YSaC, Vol. 1515: If I only could
2013 May 17
Hey kids! Who wants some deals? Or… a job? A date? I’m not actually sure. This was posted in “small biz ads,” so the category is no help, either.
Deals!
Not happy where your life is going? Want a little extra money? Want that ideal love in your life? We can help! It may seem like a lot to take in at first, but first time customers pay only $20 to test us just in case. If you are interested contact me at ###-###-####, or email me at ##########
That’s right, not only does this person sell gourmet cupcakes, but they can also sharpen your lawn mower blades WHILE doing your taxes. In Hungarian!
Thanks for the post, Cahmbriel!
The amazing Sparky will use psychic talents to solve all of the problems in your life. But first, maybe Sparky should channel some writing ability through the crystals.
“The Amazing Sparky really turned my life around. At first I was skeptical, but then I paid only $20 to test him just in case. And it worked!”*
* Actual Amazing Sparky customer, not an actor.
*Results not typical, your actual amount of amazingness may vary. Offer void in Utah, North Dakota, Narnia, and America’s Hat. If your amazingness last more than four hours, please consult your local amphibian as to why there are so many songs about rainbows.
Seek your local reptile if your amazingness wears off too quickly.
I see Miss Cleo is advertising again. And all she wants is twenty of your dollars to test her skills.
The Amazing Sparky amazed all of my friends and family. We are not brain-washed. We love Sparky.
In answer to your questions… 1) YES!….2) Yes….3) YES!!!!!…4) O.K., please….5) I am interested!!!! and $20 sounds like a bargain! I tried the phone number provided (###-###-####) Darned pay-as-you-go phone, it won’t work. Guess I’m back to the old grind. Uh, I mean wonderful life. Have a nice weekend, Meg….P.S. brainwashing gets such a bad rap!
Wait, how is giving $20 to Sparky going to get me a little extra money? Is this some kind of cat math?
He just wants to make change for a $3 bill
Sounds to me like these are the Mephistophelian sort of deals.
Wait, is this an attempt to get around the adult services ban?
Well, there is that ancient old joke about “Twenty bucks–same as in town!” . . .
I fail to see how my giving you $20 will make me money, Sparky.
However, if you can answer one of life’s great mysteries I’ll take a chance.
Hmm?
Which mystery you ask? Okay, I’ll tell you.
What is the speed of dark?
You answer that for me Sparky, and there will be a crisp $20 bill in your inbox quicker than you can say “it’s-rainin’-twenty-dollar-bills-up-in-here-bitches”.
Monkeys!
$20, please.
:sticks twenty dollars in computer cupholder:
There! Now, where’s my monkey?
Perhaps the monkey was inside us all along, flinging poo at our souls.
42!
I am willing to take payment in dumpster Cheetos.
Dang it Ghostie, you beat me to it!
I can share my dumpster Cheetos with you, if you like.
[semi-topical corey]
Thousands of years’ ago, as part of my security CEU, I got to attend a fascinating presentation by Southland Corp, the operators of 7-11 in southwestern states. It was a collection of bills accepted by employees, cashed into the tills, and not geeked-upon until bank deposit.
The foreign currency section was interesting enough, for imagining just what sort of stories–in that per-closed-circuit-video age–to accept such scrip. Now, the paper pesos make a certain sense, down to the border; the Canadian currency clearly reflected Spring Break tourists–all middling logical. The £5 notes, not so much (particularly the “white fives”) for needing to be folded to fit the till.
The investigator in me wanted to see the “z” tapes turned in with those tills.
That is, until the second section of the presentation.
Where they showed the “scam” currency accepted. Where a $5 or $10 bill was torn in less than half, and the smaller half taped to a $1 bill (sometimes without bothering to trim the $1 to match. (In those days, most banks would exchange a “damaged” bill for a good one, as long as 5/8 of the damaged note was intact.)
There were variants, with just the corners with the numerical designations torn off and glued/taped on.
Where it got sad was with those notes created by gluing bits of real currency to monochrone xerox copies of currency. And, because criminals will always push limits, currency bits on just plain paper.
The third section was on dealing with ‘proper’ counterfeit currency. But, those notes are meant to deceive. So, that second presentation has stuck with me. Barring those employees “in” on the deal, just how sparkii does one have to be to not notice some of these notes. Or to close the till afterward.
Not that I had that much faith in humanity anyway . . .
[/corey]
So, perhaps, applying that knowledge, and a jot of sparkii math–you send in the twenty, you get back 25% of the bill taped to a one. 20 + 1 = 25, right? Which is, what, 25 times more than 20, right?
I have no problem imagining it since I’ve seen a depressingly large number of similar items that people have tried to pass through my bank, but mostly checks rather than currency these days. And no matter how many rules and cautions we put in place or how we try to educate the consumer, there in always some idiot who demands to know why we won’t cash the check that nice Nigerian prince sent them.
Since dark can just barely keep ahead of light, dark must be able to travel pretty close to the same speed.
From a scientific perspective, the speed of dark is either 186,000 miles per second, or infinite.
Dark is absence of light, and light is limited to 186,000 miles per second, which is often considered the maximum speed limit for anything in the universe, which nothing can exceed. One might, however, claim that darkness IS nothing, and therefore it can travel at any speed.
Quantum entanglement shows, however, that INFORMATION cannot move faster than the speed of light. If the darkness means something (TK421 failed to respond!) then it can’t travel faster than light.
Entanglement is where you force two particles to be exactly the same. However, like Schrodinger’s cat, they will be neither alive nor dead until you look at one of them. This would seem to be nuts- send one to Mars, open both simultaneously, and they’ll both be the same even though Mars is at least four light-minutes away. We can’t use that for faster-than-light communication, though, because we can’t control what the particles turn out to be.
Sparky, what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Where are you going? You left the $20….
Run away! Run away!
Look at the bones!
Title of the class – How to Form Your Own Cult. Yesterday’s failer is so far the only student of this class that wasn’t motivated enough to succeed – he kept asking classmates if he could just join whatever cult they were forming, including the cult “Worshippers of Nude Bea Arthur Painting.”
OT — I clicked on the ad down here on the right, and the address changed to st.blogad before going to etsy. So I guess the ad is being paid for by a cult of some sort. 8)
And I love the 5-book charm bracelet where you can choose the book titles and covers you want on the bracelet!
I saw that! If I wore jewelry, Id be tempted to get one.
I got the wire name ring…and I ordered it this morning and she shipped it this afternoon. That’s fast.
Is she someone we know, btw?
I looked at her etsy profile, but it doesn’t ring any bells. Possible lurker? If so, she should de-lurk so we can tell her how awesome she is.
CJ, maybe ghostie can help you write the rules for the box! Don’t forget Rule 6! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Faster Than Dark Cadets!