YSaC, Vol. 437: It’s only a northern thong.
I’m seeking a mature lady to fulfill my “sugamomma” fantasy.
Qualifications:
– Must be physically able to have intercourse.
– Must have a house/car, because I have neither.
– Must have good hygiene/lubricant if unable to self-lubricateSexiness not required, but is a plus!
I will:
1) Enter your house in a manner you see fit.
2) I strip in a manner you see fit (as a courtesy I request no thongs)
3) I will remove your clothes in a matter you see fit (light may be required to be turned off)
4) I will take an anti-depressant to increase my stamina and to disconnect with reality (may or may not be required)
5) We will have sex for no less than 3 hours and no more than 6 (positions/speed/kissing will vary)
6) You cook me a hot plate of your choice (I will decide on the atire you’ll be wearing while cooking)
7) I leave.IF this sounds like you don’t be timid on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Kerry sent this one in a while ago, and I think we’ve just been avoiding it. I can’t imagine why. She also points out, “Geez, I hate to have to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity, but the “no thong” demand is a deal-breaker.”
Let me see if I can translate this into conventional personal ad form:
Me: Starving person who is desperate for a hot meal and convinced of his innate sexual desirability.
You: Emotionally neglected woman with no self-esteem whatsoever.
Looking to meet for demeaning, impersonal sex and a meal.
No freaks.
It’s obvious that this guy’s low blood sugar has caused him to be delusional. Someone give this man a Snickers bar and he’ll be embarrassed for at least half an hour.
He could have had a V8! Could someone reach through the internet and hit him?
I suspect someone has already hit him, but not nearly enough.
I am in awe, a little. First off, props to dude for honesty. But secondly…why? This is a fantasy! The ladies out there don’t need to know your details anymore than you need to know theirs. I mean, if you’re going to put this kind of thing out there…homeless, starving sex toy is not so appealing.
Some people need to not be allowed near the interwebs, they might break them with too much detail.
You kind of have to admire, in a twisted way, the fact that he’s thought of everything.
I just lost my appetite…
Although, this guy might’ve been trying to make it onto YSaC (Or so I hope, for my sanity) or he just could be brain-dead.
I dunno… a while back there was a PostSecret from a woman that was requesting this kind of thing… minus the hot meal.
And that, kids, is how I met your father. Those fertility drugs really worked. Now, you be good while I go cash my social security check. Where did I leave my walker this time? Darn short term memory!
Hey if there’s any women out there in desperate need of a baby this might be your guy.
Or, if any lady out there is desperately wanting to experience an STD first-hand, this may indeed be the chance of a lifetime.
I dunno. I think it was the willingness “to disconnect with reality (may or may not be required)” that got me. Lots of ladies out there want to have three to six hours of sex with a guy who disconnects with reality to do so? If required? (By whom? For what reason? How far away from reality are we talking?)
But maybe it was the cooking him a “hot plate of your choice” while wearing the costume of his choice. I cannot even begin to imagine what that is about.
Nor do I want to.
“Light may be required to be turned off”…Is that for his benefit or hers?
Will fuck for food.
WTF? I don’t think this guy understands how antidepressants work. At all. Perhaps he meant to say “a heady combination of Viagra and LSD” but made a typo?
Also, I misread that bit in the middle as “speed-kissing” and this made me picture the whole pitiful encounter in super-fast motion with that Benny Hill saxophone riff as a soundtrack. Just sayin’.
Yeah, taking antidepressants for sexual stamina? More like lack of hydraulics…
Unless he’s taking his schizophrenia meds… but the rest of the ad reads like he isn’t…
Yikes!
Yeah, everything I’ve heard about anti-depressants is that they kill your libido. Hell, some people even take “drug holidays” over weekends so they can have some decent sex.
P.S. That song is called Yakety Sax. 😀
Sometimes antidepressants kill your libido, sometimes your libido stays intact but your junk loses some sensation and it’s almost impossible to orgasm. If it’s the latter, I spose this would translate into “stamina” for a guy.
My main issue is that he acts as though he can pop one pre-coitus and it’ll effect him like Popeye’s spinach. Antidepressants generally take about 4-6 weeks to kick in.
And “disconnected from reality”? I’ve heard that in some people, antidepressants “flatten” their mood to a point where they can’t feel much of anything, good or bad. I fail to see how this would a) enhance the experience of intercourse or b) cause you to forget that you’re sexing someone you find disgusting.
Edited to add: the saxomaphone riff has a NAME? I did not know that. Thanks, dogface!
I think he’s just going to try to induce mania, seeing as some SSRI’s have that instant kick. I mean, delusions, hyperdrive, no need for sleep and increased appetite… Plus, him being hypo already would do well by means of explaining the post.
Methinks we’re missing the point. He seeks a “mature” lady, which, in internet [porn] terms, means “old.” He wants to “disconnect with reality” because he will have absolutely no sexual interest anyway.
The lengths that some people will go to to be reminded of their grandmothers…
More questions come to mind:
-Why does he need her to have a car if he plans on showing up at her house?
-Isn’t it a little crazy that he’s willing to screw a possibly unattractive woman for six hours and doesn’t even specify the “hot plate” she’ll reward him with? What if she serves him a package of Twinkies that’s been lying on her sunny windowsill?
-If he finds the woman hideous, what sort of outfit will he ask her to wear as she lovingly peels the cellophane from the snack cakes (not a euphemism)? A burqa? A wooden barrel with shoulder straps?
No sir, I don’t like the sound of this at all…
It’s obvious why she needs a car. The title says he wants a “mature lady” and only mature people have cars.
No, see- it’s a house/car. Either or will work for him, I guess. Although I’m not sure where one would cook a hot plate in a Subaru…
I thought all Subaru owners were required to have a gas stove and other assorted campware for their expiditoning. And you could wire a hotplate to a car battery in a pinch.
I think the real issue is the size of the car. So far my imagination fails at any possible way to be sexy whilst stripping in the back of a sub-compact. Or a SmartCar. Or a two seater. Or a minivan with all the kids football gear in the back.
Plus foggy windows…
I’m not sure where one would cook a hot plate in a Subaru…
On the engine block, of course!
As a technical writer, I have to give him points for thoroughness in specifying that he’ll leave. He’s clearly thought this whole process through and hasn’t left out any crucial steps.
BTW, drmk, Only a Northern Thong. Ow! LOL Ow!
No blaming the Web Boss for that one. I’m responsible for today’s entry.
Oh, dan, I’m so sorry! (about the head injury, I mean.) Hope you are on the road to a complete recovery. LOL
Well, I’m glad he specified that the positions, speed and kissing would vary. I was very concerned that it would be stationary intercourse.
How did this person get to a computer?
1) He entered the room in a manner you saw fit.
2) He stripped down to his tighty-whiteys.
3) He cleared off the desk (with the lights off.)
4) He took an antidepressant (already disconnected with reality.)
5) He posted this ad (took between 3 and 6 hours, typing/fonts/puncuation varied)
6) He cooked on a hotplate while he stared at his Aunt Jemima syrup wrapped in a dishtowel, provocatively dipped at the shoulder.
7) He left.
Then I told him we were on “To Catch a Predator.”
OMG! I have tears streaming down my face! Tears!! Kudos, Friggle. That is sheer beauty, that.
Thank you for the greatest moment of my week…
I like his 7th proposition best.
Enter your house in manner I see fit? I suggest through the pipes or dressed as a clown.
Uh oh. Sounds like Monica is thinking about it…
Thinking about it? I’m already serving him toaster leavings.
Oh. Oh yeah, I forgot how you are. Hey! There’s some funriture in today’s posting, sounds like it is just your style!
I am… perplexed. And oddly fascinated.
Loser Needs Laid
You: don’t care about anything except getting some
Me: pretty much open to anything as long as I get it
Pick me up under the overpass at the intersection of Hwy 290 and 183. Don’t bother answering my e-mail address because I don’t get to the library very often to check it. Just pull up and do a “honk honk” -pause- “honk” and I’ll come running, except Saturdays at 8 AM when I am at the free clinic getting my Methodone.
You forgot the bit about how the person with the car might want to bring blindfolds or turn off the overhead light, and bring some bottles of Lancer/Night Train/MD 2020 (may or may not be required). The methadone will only last so long and with specific effects.
I once heard a library computer user tell another library patron that her new boyfriend wasn’t like the other guys she met at the methadone clinic.
The practicality of having concerns about lubrication is what really scares me. For a total wackjob, he really thought this through.
I second “Windrose,” as your clever, subtle and yet so touching reference to perhaps Eleanor Rigby was …… brilliant.
Women who need sex, but don’t have the money to hire a Gigalo, here’s your solution!
On the same note- you get what you pay for. If all you need to pay is a $3.50 Hungry Man don’t expect Johnny Depp showing up at your door.
Yeah, expect something more like Johnny Rotten!
Not old school Johnny Rotten either. Expect Johnny from his appearance on Judge Judy.
Once in a lifetime opportunity? Pfft! I get guys out in the bars trying to hook me into just such an arrangement every weekend!
…*sigh* My town needs a better, less sketchy nightlife…
OMG! Usually I am too speechless to comment, but I must know where this man is! I have a friend who needs to add him to her endless chain of bad choices…
As do I… if he lives anywhere near my town, maybe he can give her a shot at this “once in a lifetime opportunity.”
define ‘mature’…. oh, sorry. you probably cant. oh dear. great list friggle.
Suspect in this case that “mature” translates to: anyone sensible enough to know this is a bad idea.
Ok, I feel left out of the joke. What on earth is a “Northern Thong?” (I may be sorry I asked.)
It’s a takeoff of “Only a Northern Song” by the Beatles.
Oh, well that’s not nearly as racey as I was anticipating. 🙂
I was thinking it had something to do with Northern toilet paper. I’m glad I was wrong.