YSaC, Vol. 440: Yes, Lord Helmet.

2009 September 30

Mssg for Dot – m4w (If it’s you, you’ll know)


When we finally parted ways this morning (Friday), I told you to keep in touch. You’d asked earlier how long I’ve been married, I said a couple of years. I think you may have been hoping for another answer. To be honest, though, if it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother me. We can talk more about this later. I think you’re VERY attractive, find your attitude and personality very alluring and would overall like to have something other than a buyer/seller relationship with you. I nearly asked you if you wanted to get a drink with me sometime, and still might (if you don’t see this first).

You have my number. Call me if you see this and are interested. If you’re not sure that you are the target of this ad, email me and I’ll give you more info.
440

Lorrie sends this one, trying decide which is creepier: the fact that this married guy is trying to actually start a relationship with his hooker, or the fact that he refers to it as a “buyer/seller” relationship, like an Amway rep or something.

I’ve been reading these things too long. It didn’t even OCCUR to me that he was talking about a hooker. I assumed he had just sold this person a perfectly legitimate item on Craigslist, like a table or a nacho cheese fountain, had engaged in minor chitchat with the woman, during which his marital status had slipped out, and was now engaging in utterly inappropriate fantasies about his hapless transactee. It’s not hard to imagine that there are schmucks out there who, after engaging in a perfectly innocent online purchase, would then proceed to hassle the seller for a date.

Still, what’s wrong with me that I immediately assumed an even creepier option than the obvious one that he was dealing with a hooker?

Also, what the hell is up with the motorcycle helmet?

81 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 September 30
    JAMen permalink

    It always sucks when your marriage gets your prospective dates a little down. Maybe he sold her the helmet and is hoping it will jog her memory…”Oh! There’s my new helmet! I love my helmet! And I really liked that guy, too. I wish he wasn’t married. But hey! It says he doesn’t care about marriage! THAT’s my guy!!”

    Adores: 16
    • 2009 September 30

      That’s how I read the helmet, too: a clue for the “target” of the ad, to confirm for her that she really is the “target.”

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 September 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        Heaven forbid the WRONG woman calls him and wants to have a cheap, emotionless affair. That would just be wrong.

        Adores: 16
        • 2009 October 4
          pixie721 permalink

          I don’t think there is such a thing as a wrong woman to him. I think he’d be happy to fuck a person, a pumpkin, or a Realdoll – as long as it was free.

          Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 1
      jackie31337 permalink

      I was sure this was one of those random spambot pictures, like the infamous rubber duck. I still don’t understand how the helmet factors into this. The only thing I can think of is that “Dot” stands for Department of Transportation.

      Adores: 7
  2. 2009 September 30
    Ecbnt permalink

    When involved in “buyer/seller” relationships, you should always wear a helmet . . . if you know what I mean.

    Adores: 51
    • 2009 September 30
      Meredith permalink

      OH, I KNOW what you MEAN…wink wink.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 September 30
        Procrastinator permalink

        I know where you can get some Trogan Magnum helmets, if you need them. I would get them myself but they are too big for my head.

        Adores: 17
        • 2009 September 30
          Ecbnt permalink

          I kinda figured that if buyer = john and seller = hooker, than white helmet = plain condom. Someone of this caliber certainly wouldn’t want to spend the extra 50 cents to put some pleasure in it for her.

          Adores: 1
  3. 2009 September 30
    Meredith permalink

    “I think you’re VERY attractive, find your attitude and personality very alluring …”

    I think by “attitude” he means “boobies and vagina” and “personality” he means “Willingness to participate in any debauchery I desire without question or expectation of mutual satisfaction”.

    We can all agree that it is those “qualities” that are truly alluring.

    Adores: 42
    • 2009 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      Yes, there’s nothing like a man who’s idea of foreplay is, “I’m married but I don’t let it get in my way.”

      Who else thinks his wife is going to end up with an unpleasant and possibly itchy “surprise” one day?

      Adores: 12
      • 2009 September 30
        Linnee permalink

        Maybe not if he wore a “helmet.”

        Adores: 12
  4. 2009 September 30

    I never occurred to me that the “buyer/seller” reference was a euphmism for “john/hooker.” I just thought he bought the motorcycle helmet from her. I guess I am too naive

    Adores: 15
    • 2009 September 30
      Traveler permalink

      I must be too naive aswell (or too sleepy right now), because I was assuming exactly the same thing.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 September 30
        Kate permalink

        I made the same assumption about the helmet and didn’t think about the hooker thing. Why else would there be a helmet there? Still creepy!

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 September 30
        Procrastinator permalink

        I think the “when we finally parted ways this morning” is a confirmation of the john/hooker hypothesis.

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 September 30
          My Evil Twin permalink

          I still don’t see how people are getting the hooker/john thing (apart from making assumptions, of course), and I’m usually fairly cynical when it comes to the intentions of random people (and this guy already proves he is a top-of-the-line asssombrero); people do sometimes meet in the morning (without having spent the night together).

          Adores: 7
  5. 2009 September 30
    Colleen in MA permalink

    I am Dot. I know it.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 September 30

      So what were you selling him?

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 September 30
        Colleen in MA permalink

        Invoking seller-buyer confidentiality…

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 July 28
          Dete permalink

          She was selling potatoes in a pot. Obviously.

          Adores: 1
  6. 2009 September 30
    Tacomagic permalink

    The picture of the helmet is probably an innuendo. But to be fair, it is fairly subtle. Now if he’d painted it purple before taking the picture that would have been too vulgar.

    Either that, or it was the prop they used during their… transaction. He’s including it just so that the “seller” can identify him as the creepy one who insisted she wear a motorcycle helmet.

    Adores: 8
  7. 2009 September 30
    Sherri permalink

    Yeah, I thought “hooker” with the morning reference, but went on to “creepy guy who sold a helmet” further on.

    This is creepy enough for me without needing any speculation at all. I may use it in a short story, though.

    Adores: 4
  8. 2009 September 30

    Dot’s john is out of touch with reality. She does this for a living, dude. I’m so sure she was hoping for a different answer when she asked if you were married. It’s not bad enough you’re cheating on your wife, and paying for the privilege… now you’re hoping to make some kind of relationship out of it. Skankazoid creep.

    Adores: 6
  9. 2009 September 30
    SoundsLikeVla permalink

    Wow! Normally my mind goes where it shouldn’t on these ads, but as I was reading it, I was honestly thinking the buyer/seller relationship was legit and not even craigslist, but more like office supplies-like one of them was a rep, the other a client. I get to the end and of course am thinking he’s a dirtball, but the realization that buyer/seller could be so much seedier overwhelms me with with the sheer number of tacky remarks that need to be made!

    Adores: 4
  10. 2009 September 30
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    And, of course, Lord Helmet has perfect Craigslist grammar. He’s definitely a skeeze, but a well-written one. Not a misplaced “Your” or “LOL” to be seen.

    And that helmet? Is anyone else reading the ad in a Star Wars stormtrooperish voice?

    Adores: 8
    • 2009 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      Yep, Darth Vader’s looking for a hook-up.

      Adores: 6
      • 2009 September 30
        Traveler permalink

        Or Dark Helmet.

        Now I’m picturing him playing with dolls…

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 September 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Something like:
          [Dot doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! You’re married!
          [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! It doesn’t bother me!
          [Dot doll] No, no, yes
          [Helmet doll] No.
          [Dot doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh… ohhhh, your helmet is sooo big!

          Adores: 18
        • 2009 September 30

          I bet she gives great helmet.

          Adores: 19
    • 2009 September 30
      Laura permalink

      This isn’t the Dot you’re looking for.

      Adores: 15
  11. 2009 September 30

    Count me in on thinking it was a legit buyer/seller transaction this guy was talking about at first. I might not have even clued in otherwise, if not for y’all being jaded cynics and clearing it up 😉

    Sherri, forget short story; you could script this into a movie and sell it to Hollywood! It has the makings of the prefect mix of manufactured offbeatness and social awareness to be a formulaic romantic comedy! Could potentially be made into a good rom-com, but THAT ain’t gonna earn you millions! (/cynic off)

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 1
      Alex permalink

      My first thought was that Dot and Lord Helmet are a drug dealer and drug buyer (not sure which is which). The “Finally parted this morning” thing could just be a reference to how they had a long, fascinating conversation (or, you know, he talked her ear off in increasingly creepy ways while she sat nervously on his couch, and wondered if he’d ever actually hand over the pot or if she should just run for it and screw the twenty bucks (or whatever it costs these days…probably a lot more)). But the helmet-sale and hooker theories are also persuasive.

      Adores: 2
  12. 2009 September 30

    Someone please email this guy for “more info”. (“What position did we do it in?” “Are you the dude who smelt like patchouli?”)

    Adores: 33
    • 2009 September 30
      Shark Blank permalink

      I nearly spit my chai all over my computer when I read that last line.

      Adores: 0
  13. 2009 September 30
    queensbee permalink

    i didnt get the hooker aspect either. and this skank can spell. creepy dude.

    Adores: 2
  14. 2009 September 30

    My guess is even more convoluted: I think he got really whacked out on shrooms while watching the Animaniacs and fantasized a “transaction” with Dot. Upon awakening with a mouth full of fungus and a raging boner wrapped around a DVD box, he turned to the natural place to vent one’s crazy.

    Or maybe it wasn’t a hallucation after all; perhaps Dot fell on hard times since the cancellation and is now a teenaged hooker.

    Can’t explain the helmet, though.

    Adores: 24
    • 2009 September 30
      dissimilitude permalink

      Well, she IS the cute one.

      Adores: 6
      • 2009 September 30
        Procrastinator permalink

        Now there’s a Hollywood script–Dot as hooker. How would you pitch that? Woody Woodpecker meets Pretty Lady?

        Adores: 6
    • 2009 October 1
      SteampunkGoogler permalink

      Well, as the Animaniacs theme song says:
      “There’s baloney in our slacks…”

      Adores: 4
  15. 2009 September 30

    “It’s not hard to imagine that there are schmucks out there who, after engaging in a perfectly innocent online purchase, would then proceed to hassle the seller for a date.”

    While the married factor is clearly scummy, let me point you to:
    http://www.xkcd.com/642/
    And people wonder why no one seems to be friendly anymore…

    Adores: 2
  16. 2009 September 30
    Just Me permalink

    So, basically, this guy is hoping Dot won’t make him pay for it anymore.

    Good luck, dude.

    Adores: 12
    • 2009 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      Oh, I have a feeling sooner or later he’ll be paying for it…

      Adores: 8
  17. 2009 September 30

    I just feel bad for the ladies who read this and think wait, was that me?

    He does state in the title that if its you, you’ll know it. But then goes on to say that if we desire more clues he will give them. How does that work? Obviously he’s expecting his new “friend” to remember this unforgettable experience one minute and then as an after thought thinking, “Hmm, maybe she forgot what I looked like underneath this helmet. Perhaps she requires more information…”

    Adores: 5
  18. 2009 September 30
    Sheila permalink

    Run, Dot. RUN.

    Adores: 9
  19. 2009 September 30
    Raoul permalink

    Hmm, When I saw ‘buyer/seller,’ I did not read ‘john/hooker.’ I thought this was some sort of business relationship that had turned into an affair, not that the business *was* the ‘affair.’ The reference escaped me, and it shouldn’t have; I’ve a relative who refers to his (non-prostitute) amours as ‘fungible.’ This seems more of the same.

    Adores: 5
  20. 2009 September 30
    sarajean80 permalink

    Why do I get the feeling that “When we finally parted ways this morning…” really means “After you realized I forgot to lock the basement door…”

    What’s with the part where he thinks he has to remind her what day it is? Does he believe she lacks the most basic of timekeeping skills, including what day of the freaking week it is?

    Adores: 14
    • 2009 September 30
      Procrastinator permalink

      Maybe she’s just very busy? If your to-do list was “screw 10 guys for money before lunch”, maybe you forget which day it was that you did the guy with the helmet fetish?

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 September 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        I think you would tend to remember the guy in the helmet. Unless it’s like a requirement she has for ugly men. If that’s the case, how god-awful ugly would you have to be for a hooker to make you wear a helmet? Like shaved-monkey-ass ugly?

        Adores: 17
        • 2009 September 30
          Lola permalink

          “Shaved-monkey-ass ugly” gets my vote for today’s band name.

          Adores: 7
  21. 2009 September 30
    Cindy in CA permalink

    “Keep in touch”

    Really?

    Um. No.

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 September 30

    Maybe I’m getting a little too Dan Brown here, but printed on every motorcycle helmet is the acronym DOT. As in Department of Transportation approved.
    Maybe said John picked up said Hooker on a bike, and made her wear his white helmet.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 September 30
      Cindy B. permalink

      That’s exactly what I thought when I read it, too! I was thinking he brought his crotch-rocket to Dan’s Motorcycle Repair Shop and she was the bored receptionist who made polite small talk to the creepy guy in the white helmet.

      Well, the ball is now in her court, since she has his number. And she’ll probably make someone else call him when the part he ordered is in.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2009 September 30
    Lola permalink

    Having read all prior comments, I still can’t figure out which is the creepier possibility: 1. dude who turned a legit CL transaction into a one night stand/an affair despite being married and can’t figure out how to re-contact the woman otherwise, or 2. a john with whom a prostitute has regularly-scheduled appointments who has now decided that sex for money on a regular basis should be stepped up to either sex for money on an even-more regular basis or sex for no money because it would instead be a relationship.
    My brain WANTS it to be a CL listing where she came over and bought a (not a euphemism) motorcycle helmet from him and they hit it off and spent the night or nights … but my human nature suspects the worst, and that he’s a john who thinks he can have a nontransactional relationship either because he thinks he’s fallen in love or … more likely, since he evinces asshattery via casual adultery, he’s just cheap.

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 September 30

      I don’t even think there was any affair or one-night stand. This reads more like a “missed connections” thing to me—like there was some friendly banter over the sale of the helmet, and the poster now would really like to turn that friendly connection into some adultery. Which is definitely creepy.

      Incidentally, are we sure that’s a motorcycle helmet? It looks funny to me, but I’m not sure why.

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 September 30
        My Evil Twin permalink

        That’s it! He’s actually a Power Ranger, and he’d just saved Dot from whatever it is Power Rangers save people named Dot from…

        …but then he sold her a can of anti-whatever-it-was spray…

        …and is married to the rarely seen Argyle Power Ranger…

        …no, I got nothing.

        Adores: 8
    • 2009 October 1
      Katy permalink

      I don’t know if he’s cheap or not. What kind of high-end hooker talks to you about your wife and how long have you been married? Though I guess if you paid for an hour you can do whatever you want, including complain about a marriage that’s obviously lacking in the sex department.

      Adores: 0
  24. 2009 September 30
    SoundsLikeVla permalink

    (Possible email response:)
    Yes, I saw your CL ad and I was wondering if I might be the Dot you’re looking for? I did have sex with a man I bought a helmet from last night.
    Tell me, did your “manhood” feel itchy today? If so, I’m your girl! (However, you might need to see the dr. b/f your wife gets itchy too).

    Adores: 9
  25. 2009 September 30
    JcT permalink

    Ah, love!
    A fleeting glance, a short morning transaction, and a memory the smitten one just can’t get out of his head:
    http://www.toonopedia.com/littldot.jpg

    Oh Dot! You have lighted up up my life!
    You are so much more special than my lowly wife!
    It was more than just clothing, I am keen to guess,
    Yes it was so much more than that polka-dot dress!
    So contact me in some way, tell me you know!
    Or if you aren’t sure, I’ll e-mail you more info!

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 September 30
      Lola permalink

      Go on, I’m dying to know what Dr. Seuss would rhyme with “helmet,” “married,” and “STD”.

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 September 30
        JcT permalink

        I always knew we were well-met,
        ‘Specially when you put on my helmet.
        I had to hide my love, keep it well-buried,
        (Not sure whyI needed to tell you I’m married.)
        By now you might know, like when you go pee,
        I gave you a good dose of STD.

        Still love me?

        Adores: 16
        • 2009 October 1
          sarajean80 permalink

          *sniff*
          That was beautiful, man. You should write greeting cards. I don’t think Hallmark covers the “I love you, random woman who was nice to me” or “sorry I slept with a skank and gave you crotch-rot” niches. Not yet, anyway.

          Adores: 7
        • 2009 October 1
          JcT permalink

          Heh heh, yeah, the “random woman” CLs are my favorites.

          “I saw you at the Jack-In-The-Box. You smiled at me. I was the one in the filthy red shirt shoving handfuls of fries in my gaping maw. E-mail me if you want to hook up.”

          Adores: 4
        • 2009 October 1
          Lola permalink

          Your avatar cat’s expression effectively communicates my feelings about the random woman “missed connections” posts most of the time. They’re not all creepy, but … usually it’s not an accident the women weren’t attracted at the time.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 2
          JcT permalink

          Back when I was in tech support, I was friends with a young lady from another country who had a lot to learn about guys in tech support. She was attractive, single and young, and she smiled at everyone. She was very friendly and liked to talk a lot.

          That is a recipe for disaster in a call center full of lonely geeks.

          I ran into her in the hallway a couple years later and we went to lunch together. She went into great detail explaining how quickly she learned not to smile at geek guys. She was hit on almost non-stop from the time she arrived at work until the time she went home. At first she was flattered, but soon it became tedious, and eventually it became scary. She didn’t realize that agreeing to go to lunch with a guy made you his “girlfirend”, at least in the lonely geek world.

          Adores: 1
  26. 2009 September 30

    I might be clueless here, but how do we know FOR SURE that he is talking about a hooker? I was reading it like maybe they had some sort of middleman/wholesaler business relationship.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 September 30
      sarajean80 permalink

      Yeah, it could be, that’s how I first read it, but it’s more fun to think the worse of this idiot and not quite so pathetic and creepy.

      Come over to the dark side. We have cake.

      Adores: 10
  27. 2009 September 30
    Mrphysic permalink

    hmmmmmmmmm – ‘you f*ck at craigslist’?. Or depending on the position – it is the most literal ‘you suck at craigslist’ we’ve had so far.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 September 30
      Mrphysic permalink

      Oh and did I leave my suckworth on the comments page yesterday?

      what’s a suckworth?

      an extra marital affair on Craigslist apparently.

      Adores: 2
  28. 2009 September 30
    Eva pronounced AY-vah permalink

    I totally thought the creepier option too, if it makes anyone else feel any better… I thought maybe he sold her a helmet and that was the cue… *shrug*

    Adores: 0
  29. 2009 September 30
    ??? permalink

    I don’t know, do men usually offer to buy their hookers a drink? It seems a little impersonal after paying for her body. My guess is business relationship.

    Adores: 1
  30. 2009 September 30
    Windrose permalink

    And that, kids, is why I murdered your father. Now, be sure to come back for visiting hours next week, and ask the warden if I can have a sweet potato in a pot. Bribe him with that new Shaved Monkey Ass Ugly CD.

    Adores: 11
  31. 2009 October 1
    Trinket permalink

    Note to self: before becoming seriously involved with a guy, search craigslist for any ads he might have posted

    Adores: 8
  32. 2009 October 1
    got_pony permalink

    Granted, I don’t know how the whole hooker thing works, but it seems rather bizarre that the guy would say “keep in touch”
    I mean, she’s a hooker. I’m pretty sure that the ball is in your court, if you want it, you call her. Does he expect some sort of courtesy call?
    “Hey, I just noticed that it’s been 3 months since I’ve sucked your balls, can I put you down for tomorrow at 11?”

    ps

    I don’t think it’s creepy to assume that the ad refers to a regular transaction. When I read it, I figured he’d bought some table or something from the woman, and had chatted her up. Most guys I talk to, if I speak more than 3 sentences to them they think I’m interested in them. Figured it was a universal guy thing that they do.

    Adores: 5
  33. 2009 October 1
    Rhiannon permalink

    It’s 6am right now, so any witty comment I may have is buried under the early-morning fuzzies. I do have to give drmk kudos for the Spaceballs reference, however! No matter how many sleep fuzzies cloud my brain, I still recognize a reference to one of my favorite movies.

    Adores: 2
  34. 2009 October 1
    Kenya permalink

    To be honest, I thought EXACTLY the same thing. “She is a hooker” was not even in the top 5 reasons for this post that I could come up with. It certainly does sound like she bought something from him on Craigslist and now he is hoping to get together with her, etc…
    That a hooker would be surprised/dismayed to find one of her clients is married seems somewhat unlikely, but I’m no expert.

    Adores: 2
  35. 2009 October 1
    smartcookie permalink

    i recently left my soon-to-be-ex husband on the basis of finding his personal ad’s and responses on craigslist (including his hookers, which meant that unfortunately i *did* read this post that way…lol)

    so if you see an ad containing the phrase “8 inch length, 6 inch girth”

    feel free to say “hi!” and “you wish, lol!!!”

    🙂

    Adores: 6
  36. 2009 October 3
    Hakura permalink

    I don’t know what all of you are talking about. It’s obvious what the helmet means-

    This man is The Stig.

    Adores: 4
    • 2015 March 22
      Tankerbell permalink

      Dude. How dare you malign The Stig in this way? He doesn’t need to pay his women, and would never cheat on Mrs. Stig.
      In other news, I cannot give this comment enough doors.

      Adores: 0

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