YSaC, Vol. 512: Ambiguity is for LOSERS!
ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOOFER ROOFER
Best roofer in ######!Best prices!
Residential or Commercial – Repair or Replacement!
Sterling References…
###-###-####
Check out my web site… www.#######.com
* Location: ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER!
What worries me is not so much this gentleman himself. (Although his website is also hilarious, and we wish we didn’t have to redact it out.)
No, what worries me is the various people who forced him INTO this style of advertising.
Let’s imagine his first ad went something like this:
Roofer
Best roofer in ######!
Best prices!
Residential or Commercial – Repair or Replacement!
Sterling References…
###-###-####
Check out my web site… www.#######.com
* Location: (Actual Location)
And then, one day, he gets a call:
Sparky: “I saw your ad on craigslist. Can you come reseal my driveway?”
Roofer: “No, I am a roofer.”
Followed by:
Sparky II: “I got your number from craigslist. I need my yard cut.”
Roofer: “You don’t understand… I am a roofer. I repair roofs.”
“Hmm,” our roofer thinks, “I had better make this more obvious.”
I AM A ROOFER! I REPAIR ROOFS
Location: (Actual Location) but only on roofs!
Sparky III: “I saw your craigslist ad. When can you come and fix my toilet?”
Roofer: “What’s WRONG with you people? I am a ROOFER!”
Sparky IV: “Mine hores rid sevice kids love it Bday and kids events!”
Roofer: “ARRGH! ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER!”
… and then he posted the ad up top.
Thanks for the listing, Sarajean80! We love our regulars, we do!
Mushroom, mushroom… ooooh, it’s a snake.
WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I love you forever.
Good ol’ Weebl’s Stuff, always with the viral videos.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Narwhals/
That one tis most excellent.
thanks arallyn,
I’d not been to the sire for a while and they have some cute stuff in their shop, so hubbys stocking may be fuller than expected now.
The advent calender they did a few years ago was my favorite thing ever posted. If you don’t see it, go search it.
That little happy tree, rocking back and forth while singing is the first thing I pull up at Christmas time.
“You only got one present, you only got one present. Must be from your grandma, nobody really likes you….” ha hahahahahaha
I’d not seen that one before, but of course I had to go look. I’m now stuck with various little tunes competing for my poor brain, both the tree ones in particular.
♪ have you seen my baubles? they are quite lovely. Come and touch my baubles…. ♪
I’d forgotten all about the “Kenya” song, maybe it should be made compulsory viewing for all wishing to advertise lions of CL?
Yeah, badger badger badger badger was my first thought, too.
Apparently we share similar sorts of mental impairment, Ed.
“mental impairment”
I prefer to think of it as evil genius.
After all, you didn’t go to Evil Medical School for 8 years to be called “Mr. Mental Impairment”…
This is so weird, I just had my coffee in a badger, badger, badger mug!
Are you from Wisconsin? 😛
nope, I’m in the UK actually.
Which makes it even more awesome.
it does? you mean the whole world doesn’t know the badger song?
Actually that’s just me preferring the UK to Wisconsin (which, admittedly, I haven’t visited).
Wisconsinites are commonly known as “Badgers”…at least those in the southern part of the state. UW-Madison is a Big Ten football team and people who follow collegiate football know them.
The badger is also our state animal and we have several dead ones gracing the halls of our capitol building. I’ve only ever seen two non-taxidermied badgers in Wisconsin; one was in the zoo, and the other was dead on the side of the road.
Lola, if you don’t like cows, bratwurst, butter, beer, and football, there’s not a lot for you here. Unless you’re way into cranberries. We have a lot of those, too.
arallyn,
Thanks for the badger reference explanation. I was only getting the weebl reference. I went to a Pac-10 school so the college mascot wouldn’t be on my radar – I’m more familiar with UW, UCLA, etc. I like all of the things you mention, but mostly in moderation (beer excepted, if it’s good), so I’ll likely not make a point to visit. One never knows, though! The closest I’ve been is Minnesota, mainly as an airport stop.
HATE YOU! Or rather hate that we were so busy around the office today (for once!) that I wasn’t able to check sooner!
I came here to say that, but you beat me to it by a couple of days.
That ad just strikes me as hilarious…I don’t know if I’d hire the dude just because he comes across as the type that would jump up and down and/or dance on your roof and possibly get into heated arguments with squirrels while up there. But hell, he gets his point across.
“WHAT? YOU DON’T LIKE THE JOB I DID? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
OOps, I killed the comments.
Meredith! Reel it in, quick!
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…
Aarrrgghhhh!! Ear worm!
All I can picture is a dog (like Sam from the old wolf and sheepdog cartoons), bouncing up and down, barking. Somehow, that doesn’t inspire confidence in his abilities as a repairer of roofs (ROOF! ROOF!) when all I want to do is throw a ball for him.
That was EXACTLY the image I had, as well.
“Who’s a good roofer? Who’s a good boy?”
I think this dog needs to go to the vet and get tutored!
Nice FarSide reference.
Yes.
Of all the Gary Larson cartoons, this is the only one that has always stuck in my head. That big goofy dog leaning his head out the car window and yelling this to the other dogs he was leaving behind.
My government sometimes makes me feel like that dog.
I always remember the one with the two sides to it:
One side is the Annual Teacup Poodle Picnick, and the other is the Yearly Falconer’s Club outing. The caption: Trouble Brewing.
Actually there was a whole series of “Trouble Brewing”. It would actually make a really good YSaC tag come to think of it.
I personally liked the outdoor daycare next door to the alligator farm in the Trouble Brewing “series”. But the Teacup Poodle Picnic one is so funny because it’s true…big birds LOVE little dogs! We have bald eagles snatch up people’s little dogs around here enough that it’s rare to even see someone that owns one anymore (they were quite common before the eagles made a comeback)
arallyn: perhaps you’ve seen Jessica Simpson’s dog then?
My bald eagle friend says it was fucking delicious.
Up here in the Northwest, the eagles drop fish on the highway all the time. Very strange roadkill.
I would love to see fish on the highway! As it stands, though, our eagles are mostly carrion birds when there aren’t snackytime poodles available. You can see them fairly often at the side of the road eating deer carcasses. None of those self-respecting eagles that hunt like in other parts of the country.
Steve-O: I think if the squirrels around here could fly, they’d do the same with their er, um nuts.
Asphalt Nutcrackers!
*new band name?*
Asphalt Nutcrackers playing tonight at Club YSAC. Opening for them is Very Strange Roadkill.
Because we had one, one of my top 5 Far Sides showed a dachshund (we had a schipperke, but the effect is about the same) making itself some expresso. Caption: “While their owners sleep, small nervous dogs prepare for their day.”
@arallyn – kudos for PAN reference!
Someone needs to start a band name list so we can keep track of all these.
I haven’t been by lately 🙁 to check but *points to upper right* I believe that’s a forum thread.
don’t we have one in the forum?
SNAP!
if I hadn’t been so busy trying not to picture things after reading a post over at emailsfromcrazypeople, I might even have gone to check the list and see how up to date it is.
Ohh, good call.
Mudslicker, I’ve read that crows actually do that with nuts: they toss them into traffic at busy intersections, then collect the nutmeat when the light turns red.
Crows are some smart birds.
Isaac with a Capital “I”:
Our squirrels would be fucking with the crosswalk button then.
Squirrels have crow envy and have mastered traffic patterns (it’s a known fact that their ancestors became experts at Frogger). Every day is just a new opportunity for crowocide for Rocky J.
*actually, I believe I have heard that seagulls will do that with mollusks but didn’t know about the crows. I do appreciate you for sharing.
-A. Hitchcock
THE ROOFER, THE ROOFER, THE ROOFER’S ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!
BURN … oh wait, can’t say that.
You know, I’ve heard of Bora Bora, and Walla Walla, and Pago Pago, but I’ve never heard of Roofer Roofer Roofer Roofer Roofer. Is that somewhere in the South Pacific?
Seems unlikely….if it were in the South Pacific, surely he’d have headlined this THATCHER THATCHER THATCHER.
I suddenly want to start quoting the movie A Knight’s Tale. 🙂
“It’s called a LANCE, helLO!”
Now, thinking about Thatcher, I’ve got Elvis Costello’s “Tramp the Dirt Down” stuck in my head… which is actually much nicer than the Badger Song; thanks.
That’s a beautiful song, actually. Muscially, at least. The words are acid-dipped, though; each is lovingly hand-done.
Suddenly, Jeff Probst singing Some Enchanted Evening keeps running through my head.
My day is ruined now.
Dammit, now I’M seeing it TOO.
Sparky IV: I’ve got these Roosters outside that wake me up at 5 a.m. Can you deal with them?
A man walks into a bar with a dog and tells the bartender, “This dog can talk!” The bartender has heard it before, but agrees to give the man a free beer if the dog does actually talk. The man asks the dog, “What’s covering this place?” The dog says, “Roof!” Then the man asks the dog, “Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” The dog says, “Ruth!” The bartender shakes his head, and tells them to get out. On the sidewalk outside the bar, the dog looks at the man and says, “Maybe I should have said Mantle.”
Wow. Never thought I’d have a use for one of the first jokes I ever learned!
I really, really thought the punchline of that joke was going to be,
“Because he’s a LIIAAARRRR!”
But does he do roofs? I am unclear on that.
I’m amazed that a guy who shouts “ROOFER” before and after his advertisement could actually use the word “sterling” correctly. But then, maybe he was using the more literary meaning of sterling. In which case… why did he plate his reference with silver alloy? Is this going to be our fate if we utilize his services?
I mean, I need to get my roof done and all. I’m just not sure it’s worth fixing if it means I have to be dipped in molten silver.
unless of course he plans to “plate” your roof?
Isn’t being dipped in molten silver the latest thing in spa treatments?
If it isn’t, you may have just invented it. Dunno what it’s supposed to accomplish, but it’s a hell of a thing to be able to brag about. Beats the stuff you can get at the spa at the Hotel Hershey – and that’s saying something, as their stuff incorporates chocolate.
As someone who is running out of patience,,,, waiting for their ROOFER to come back after an unexplained absence and finish the porch roof already,,,,,,,, I applaud this man’s enthusiasm,,,, I envy his customers,,,,,,,,,,, and if my ROOFER doesn’t get back in touch with us by this weekend,,,,,,,, I am looking up this guy and hoping he is from the Boston area,,,,,,,, because to have my ROOF done by the holidays would be the only present I need.
True story. But it’s funny, I never used to write like that before,,,,,,,,,,,,, weird,,,
My best friend lives in Newton. With the weather you’ve been having, I would say, working on a roof is that last place I’d want to be right now.
May a warm-up and a wind-down be in your immediate sterling future!
,,,,,,,
, , , , , Chameleon
You come and go; you come and go…
OOOW…!!!
Thank you for giving us the proper number of commas. The beat would have been all thrown off if you hadn’t.
,,,, comcom I’m your handyman.
This roofer was MIA even before the cold weather. Now that it’s so cold I’m afraid we won’t see him ’til spring. Thanks for your good wishes!
HOLY SMOKES! The roofer called my husband today to say that he’ll be coming on Saturday to finish up the roof. ALL HAIL THE POWER OF YSaC! ALL BOW TO YSaC!!!!!
Also, I would like a million dollars.
And as long as we’re dreaming, I’d like a pony!
Colleen, I think Hitler Cat keeps stepping on your comma key. (Wait, yours isn’t Hitler Cat since it’s little Charlie Chaplin mustache is under it’s mouth and not over it. Close though.)
Beatnik cat?
I’d say she’s more of a Beatnik than a world dominator. She likes to cry to us a lot and spends most of her day holed up in the attic, smoking and writing in her diary.
is roofer madness anything like loofah madness?
more like March Madness, minus the office pools. lol.
I think it’s closer to Reefer Madness.
PEDANT PEDANT PEDANT PEDANT PEDANT PEDANT PEDDANT PEDANT
The most ostentatious pedant in ######! The most attractive rate scheme!
Academic or corporate milieus – minor syntactical pretension or complete lexicological dogmatism!
References of a superlative nature… recently granted the pedantry crown in perpetuity!
Peruse my online presence… http://www.######.edu
Be still, my beating heart. One frillion points!
(Also, good eye, spotting the one extra O up there. I’d missed that one.)
Dagnabbit, Isaac – I really hoped you would correct my post in some way.
Now, what to do with this “q.e.d.; l.o.l.” poised on my clipboard…
The extra O is for LOOSER.
I started singing that to the theme from the Pink Panther.
Pedant…pedant…pedant.pedant.pedant.pedant.pedaaannnnnt…..
I’ll take a coupla them there pedants. I’m lookin’ for Crismas presents for my wifeses…
The “(Location) but only on roofs” has me imagining someone who really is ONLY ON ROOFS in that area. Like if you call him, he’s on top of his house. He will come to you, but only by moving roof to roof. This isn’t quite as challenging where I live, because the apartment buildings can (almost) be stepped or jumped from roof to roof in some cases (particularly if you’re on a row of brownstones). However, I’ve also lived in the suburbs and rural areas, and moving roof to roof there requires either aircraft, a large slingshot, or the ability to levitate. Watching someone levitate to your roof to fix it might be worth whatever he charges.
“Watch for me. I will arrive by parkour.”
Or he’s just Spiderman. (The real one, not the dude in the horrid suit)
Isn’t that (isaac, this is your cue), more accurately, “Spider-Man”? The critical differentiation might mean we’d actually get the real one, not ‘Sploderman.
I’m not even a fan really, but the idea of Peter Parker falling on hard times and having to post insistent job ads on CL makes me sad.
Yes. Spider-Man (note the hyphen) travels by Peter Parkour.
Actually, I’ve wondered for a long time how he web-slings in from his aunt’s neighborhood in Queens. No skyscrapers out there, and you can’t string much of a line from a bungalow or a raised ranch. But maybe he takes the bus.
Depending on where he lives in Queens, there may be an elevated train line. They aren’t that high, but maybe he gets creative.
He just thwips out a giant slingshot. Duh.
Ode on a Roof
Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the rooves hast never known
The shingles, the gutters and the sweat
Here, where men sit and smell their own cologne
Beauty is roof, roof beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
You know, you’ve ruined Keats for me now.
*heavy sigh*
awesome.
I almost went with this:
…… and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again roof and then he asked me would I roof to say roof my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him roof and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume roof and his heart was going like mad and roof I said roof I will Roof.
A frillion kilopoints for you, dc!
And 1.21 Jiggapoints from me.
This is so perfect that can I hear Garrison Keillor reading it now.
Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.
Feckin’ hell, Molly Broof! You just made my day.
Thanks, dc… I always wondered what inspired Tennessee Williams to call it “Keats on a Hot Tin Roof”.
can yall pleez stop bean so intullekshul all the g.d. time? Mak sum poop jokes or sumthin!!!
A roofer walks up with a big pile of poop in his hands and says “Hey, look what I almost stepped in!”
Anybody else getting the ads for “party clowns” and clowns in Salt Lake City? Is Depresso available?
I think you may be getting Depressy mixed up with his jitterier cousin Espresso.
All die who mock Espresso!
Really, it’s a great beverage…
I checked with party clowns dot com – Espresso was booked, they couldn’t locate Depressy, and Depresso was dead, but Flataffecto is coming to my house next Saturday!
I’m getting “Real Clown of NYC.” Apparently there’s only one.
His name is Rudolph Giuliani.
If so, I think he shares the title with his wife, Crazy-Eyes Judy.
My ads are location neutral.
I’m getting “Professional Live Elves”… I guess nothing spoils a Christmas party like amateur elf corpses.
In Soviet Russia, sterling refrences you! Oh wait a minute, umm, Roof replaces you! Crap that isn’t it. Roof roofs you! Roof locations you! In Soviet Russia, plumber roofs you! Son of a …
In Soviet Russia, roof roofs roofer. (and Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.)
Ed, did you know that the scientific name for the American bison is Bison bison?
just for you, and of course for Ed…..
In Soviet Russia….
Did I really misspell “references” while making fun of the roofer? Pass the hot sauce for this humble pie, please.
SUNDAY!! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!! THIS SUNDAY ONLY!! Watch as THE ROOFER takes on THE ROOF!! See who can roof who first! This Sunday only!!! …..DON’T MISS IT!!
Ahhh… There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned roofer furor offer.
Email me if you wanna get together and fuck sometime in Austin…Im 19 extremely horny and have a huge thick dick…I am a real person! email me at ashanebe@gmail.com…looking for girls
If you’d posted this on CL, it could have been a candidate for YSaC. Instead, it’s just odd.
a case of YSaYSaC perhaps?
I would totally get together and fuck you. Unfortunately I’m a large and hairy male, also with a huge thick dick 🙁 I feel so hurt that you don’t want me. But then again, I’m older than 12 and have more sexual experience than a newborn, so I probably wouldn’t be a good match for you.
“Shane,”
You, sir, suck at You Suck at Craigslist.
I’m just sayin’.
Why would you post your email address? Brace for mass quantities of spam.
*wonders how many websites we could sign him up for between us*
At the Roofer concert:
“Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Goodnight!”
“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Let’s hear it for Roofer!”
“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Do you want to hear them do one more?”
“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“Let’em hear you!”
“Roofer Roofer Roofer Roofer Roofer Roofer Rooofer Roofer”
“You’re going to have to do better than that!”
“ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOOFER ROOFER”
he should have gotten a sound truck! roofer. here to do your roof………. of cawse if he’s in new yawk city, it would be roofa, roofa, roofa, yo, getcher roofa heah… etc.
Now I have the “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly” adverbs song stuck in my head. It’s a big day for earworms, apparently.
I never comment here, but Holy Crap! I was having such a sad day, and something I read on another site helped make the sad go away.
This, however:
Sparky IV: “Mine hores rid sevice kids love it Bday and kids events!”
Roofer: “ARRGH! ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER!”
will probably make the sad stay away for weeks. Oh my gods, I haven’t laughed so hard in so long. My chest hurts.
Ohhh . . . I adore this site. 😀
Welcome, Terran! The Sad can never prevail over YSaC. That’s why we all live here now.
Greetings, Earthling. Pull up a roof tile and make yourself at home! *passes around the special tiny cakes*
oooh, did you bring the special brownies?
*takes the cake* Do I want to know what’s in these? Or is this one of those times where it’s better to remain ignorant?
I’ve seen a lot of gullible newbs, Terran, but you really take the cake.
Nah, I’m just joshing you. You’re all right. Welcome to the party!
Your remarks about how he came to this advert made me think of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_T1ST3wkWI
Except replace “Patrick” with “Roofer”
It feels like a monster truck commercial.
“MONSTER TRUCK JAM!!!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!
CARZILLA!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!!!”
COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE! Did I say COFFEE? Because I meant COFFEE!!
(I’m here very late.. have a full night ahead..)
And this actually reminds me of the movie “Requiem for a Dream”
Lucky! coffee only makes me jittery most days. Yet I drink it by the bucketload when I’m desperately tired, and then I’m both tired AND ornery!
“Juice by Tappy! Juice by Tappy! Tappy’s got juice! Tappy’s got juice! GOOOOOooooOOOO Tappy!!”
I once fell asleep while watching Requiem….and slept the entire night listening to the DVD menu, which is basically a loop of the whole Tappy’s Got Juice thing.
MAN did I ever have some screwed-up dreams that night. Uuuuggghhh….
I wonder if he’s a roofer who supplies roofies and reefer? That would be kinda interesting….
Too bad he’s not open to branching out. A little plumbing training & he could be the Roofies & Reefer Roto-Rooter Roofer.
Try saying *that* five times fast.
Everytime I take a look at this posting, I get (along with a case of the gigglefits) an image in my head of some hobo running around downtown, a board and hammer in his head, yelling at passersby.
I think I know that guy. He lives in Tampa.