YSaC, Vol. 524: Do I need to leverage their synergies, too?

2009 December 23

This is a really good example of corporate-speak gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Member Relations Representative


Company seeks a Member Relations Representative to represent Company in person at corporate member locations, and on the phone as needed. The goal of this position is to be continuously touching the Company’s Members at our corporate member locations to educate, drive awareness, facilitate trust, and promote general goodwill.

A note to the HR person who wrote this:

  • Did you use active verbs? Check.
  • Did you capitalize “Members” to show respect for our customers? Check.
  • Did you describe the position? Check.
  • Did you describe the position in a way that makes it sound like a job at a seedy back-alley massage joint providing happy endings? Check.

Well done. You’re ready for management.

Thanks for the submission, CJ! (CJ struck gold with her very first submission!)

95 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 23
    Ed Snyder permalink

    Last time I had member relations the company had to implement a new sexual harrassment policy.

    Adores: 15
    • 2009 December 23
      Ed Snyder permalink

      In Soviet Russia, company’s member touches you.

      Adores: 31
      • 2009 December 23
        Rathy permalink

        That’s it – I’m moving to Russia.

        Adores: 9
      • 2009 December 23
        develish1 permalink

        I really should know by now never to read this site while drinking anything.

        *carefully wipes monitor*

        Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 23
          Windrose permalink

          *hands Dev the screen cleaner and a keyboard condom*

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 23
          develish1 permalink

          why thank you my dear, I’ve always wanted one of those

          Adores: 0
  2. 2009 December 23
    Windrose permalink

    Dang, I think I qualify for that position! Did they mention how much it pays?

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      But would you be happy in the same position all day long, one that is probably entry level?

      How many members would you have to touch before you got promoted to something with more substance and less back-breaking monotony?

      Adores: 8
      • 2009 December 23
        Windrose permalink

        Sarajean, thank you for clearing that up. Guess I’ll stick it out at my current place of employment. I can just bend over and take it like a man.

        Adores: 2
  3. 2009 December 23
    tacomagic permalink

    Having to continually touch the company’s Members has lead to a reduction in efficiency of the position. In fact it’s becoming more and more difficult to drive the awareness home due to the amount of goodwill generated by the Members being held firm by the relations representative. Of course some Members have needed education, but with the strict schedule and difficulties satisfying demand, these Members have had to grope around for answers and in the end have not been satisfied. In short, we need a new relations representative to fill the needs of our Members. In so doing they’ll be taking the load from our other relations representatives and spreading it around more fairly.

    Thank You,
    Cheif Innuendo Officer

    Adores: 59
    • 2009 December 23
      mudslicker permalink

      Dear CIO (Chief Innuendo Officer):

      I’d give you a +1 but alas I cannot as my computer already acts as if I have. If someone who has the option could be so kind as to click on a “+1” for me, I would be forever grateful.

      As a special request, please don’t forget to reach out to Santa’s north pole and give it a nice firm relation-y pat down for me. He certainly has a large load to off-load this time of year and I do want to appear accomodating and satisfying.

      Oh yeah, that throbbing and glowing knob in the vicinity of Rudolph’s head could use a bit of TLC as well.

      *wink wink and a ho ho ho*

      Adores: 13
      • 2009 December 23
        tacomagic permalink

        I could apparently +1 myself, but I realized that I’m not a member.

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 23
        Windrose permalink

        Santa’s sacks are bulging every year at this time, eh, Mudslicker?

        Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Of course. And then there’s something about him putting his finger to the side of his….

          Adores: 1
      • 2009 December 23
        lost_compass permalink

        mudslicker… you being a fellow Vixen, seems like you’d know that she handles Rudolph’s knob.

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 23
          mudslicker permalink

          And here I thought that job would have been left to Cupid…*silly me*

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 23
          tacomagic permalink

          He sees you when you’re sleeping…

          Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 23

        yes! same here. it thinks i have already +1ed you, tacomagic. so here:
        +1
        ok then. let’s just hope drmk/dan recognize that this comment is a WINNER.

        Adores: 3
    • 2009 December 23

      Apparently you can’t spell liaise without sleaze.

      Or at least this post can’t.

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 December 23
        tacomagic permalink

        I like to live dangerously sometimes and post without spellchecking.

        Adores: 7
    • 2009 December 23
      Windrose permalink

      Add one to your score, Tacomagic. The site won’t let me do it. 8)

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      Ed Snyder permalink

      Monkeys

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 23
        tacomagic permalink

        Winged Monkeys.

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 23
        sarajean80 permalink

        Bonobo Monkeys

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 23
          Windrose permalink

          chimp.

          Adores: 1
  4. 2009 December 23
    GrahamT permalink

    So… sort of a sexy concierge?

    Adores: 4
  5. 2009 December 23
    screamer permalink

    tacomagic; I would have given you a plus 1 for that but I can’t. The missing +1 gremlin has come my way 🙁

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      GrahamT permalink

      Ditto… some I can and some I can’t.

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 December 23
        develish1 permalink

        definitely a gremlin in the works. I wanted to +1 tacomagic too, but can’t. I’m seeing +1 on some but not others, and I got the “posting too fast” message again on my first post of the day.

        Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23

      I’ve got no +1 today either. Harumph.

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 December 23
        Ed Snyder permalink

        In a rare astrological alignment of Mars, Seti-Alpha 5, and YourAnus, I had +1’s for everyone so I went ahead and clicked them all while I still could.

        Adores: 24
        • 2009 December 23
          tacomagic permalink

          I +1’d you, since yours is the only post it gives me the option to.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 27
          Lola permalink

          Me? I just gave you +1 for the junior-high-esque “YourAnus” joke.

          Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      Same here. Just add up all of our responses to know what your true score would have been!

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      Andrea permalink

      I tried to +1 and got a pop up that says “Cheatin’ uh?”.

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23
      Depressy permalink

      Continuously touching the Company’s Members may cause you to lose the ability to “+1”, as the kids say.

      Adores: 26
  6. 2009 December 23
    Cled permalink

    Sorry to be boring, but now I’ve got the mystery votes showing up, too.

    Like Lola, I’ll survive. I suppose.

    Adores: 3
  7. 2009 December 23
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    I’ll never look at one of those 80s “Members Only” jackets the same again. Instead of pointing and laughing, as usual, now I’ll snicker like a 12 year old.

    Adores: 13
  8. 2009 December 23
    D / DM permalink

    Member seeks meaningful personal contact with Company Representative. I really hope the Company Representative read this. If this was you email me tell me what was I constantly touching when they had kick me out of the store.

    Adores: 13
  9. 2009 December 23
    Andrea permalink

    How many members do you think this representative can touch before they stop promoting general goodwill and start promoting general antibiotics?

    Adores: 40
    • 2009 December 23
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      Andrea, that deserves a +1. Actually, a +many. I cannot plus you though, so I have to verbally touch your member, instead of actually physically touching it.

      Adores: 5
    • 2009 December 23
      Ed Snyder permalink

      According to Wikipedia, only General Washington and General Pershing have been promoted to General of the Army. General Goodwill and General Antiobiotics should be charged under that stolen valor law.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 23
        mudslicker permalink

        I think this is more like promoting to General of the Smarmy.

        Adores: 12
    • 2009 December 23

      Andrea, I also cannot +1 you, so please accept my verbal vote. Yours is one of several posts I cannot do this for today. I had hoped I was somehow immune to the +1 problem, but alas I am not.

      Adores: 1
  10. 2009 December 23
    FireManSteve-O permalink

    Would you say that this post has ample innuendo?

    Adores: 5
  11. 2009 December 23
    Meduseld permalink

    Please tell me they put that through babel fish or something. I can’t imagine anyone who actually SPEAKS English fluently managing to garble the syntax like that.

    And I haven’t read anything that repetitive since I tried to wade through the Lemony Snicket series.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 December 23
      mudslicker permalink

      Oh, this company is just trying to cover all the debase(s) for their Members’ goodwill.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 23
        tacomagic permalink

        It’s important to reach out and grip your audience in a situation where they will be having to deal with the members and their staff.

        Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Taint that the truth!

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 23
          tacomagic permalink

          Luckily they have a huge talent-base to draw from.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 23
          Windrose permalink

          All your debase are belong to us.

          Adores: 9
    • 2009 December 23
      chronologically gifted permalink

      You’ve obviously never worked for the U.S. government. Umm, this, out of sequence, makes no sense. It was a reply to the comment about people putting the post through babble-speak. No, they just ran it through a government hr office.

      Adores: 1
  12. 2009 December 23
    InsideJoke permalink

    I feel like it has to be poorly translated – or a prank. “Members” euphemisms aside, why did they choose the word “touch?” I can’t help but picture some professional running around at a corporate event poking people.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23
      develish1 permalink

      well a “company speak” term I’ve heard used far too often is “touch base with” so maybe they just missed off a couple of words?

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23

      I have enough friends who work in the corporate world to know that this is actually something they say. “Touching” the customer means “making contact with in some fashion”. It was in combination with the word “member” that it took on this awful, awful connotation.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 23
        tacomagic permalink

        I used to work in Members relations for a golf course. Our motto: We aim to please.

        Adores: 6
        • 2009 December 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Tiger Woods must have seen that and taken it entirely too much to heart.

          *pretty please, no “wood”, “putter”, “hole in one”, “shaft”, “Jack Santiklaus” or “ball/ball cleaner” references..*

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 23
          tacomagic permalink

          Today he drove it a little too hard on the back 9.

          There, I think I avoided all of those.

          Addendum: Even though it was a tough lay, he drilled it in.

          Adores: 6
        • 2009 December 23

          And the Member relations motto for the men’s room should be “We aim to please…you aim too, please.”

          Adores: 7
        • 2009 December 23
          Ed Snyder permalink

          According to Craigslist, his name is Lion Woods.

          Adores: 20
        • 2009 December 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Ed: that would be “Not A Lion Woods”

          Adores: 11
        • 2009 December 23
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          For some reason, the people I talk to at radio stations and record labels all use the phrase “reach out to” instead of “contact.” As in, “Joe Smith is the tour manager, reach out to him when you get a chance to go over the details…”

          I always want to say, “Can I just give him a call instead?”

          Adores: 4
        • 2009 December 23
          Windrose permalink

          Bianchi, the manager of my office is always telling me to reach out to my peers when I do something she doesn’t like and wants me to be like all the other supervisors in the office. Sigh.

          Adores: 1
  13. 2009 December 23
    Sarajayde permalink

    I’m not just a “Member” but I’m also a client.

    Adores: 8
  14. 2009 December 23
    Addicted Reader permalink

    This could be a small-time pimp trying to expand his “operations.”

    Adores: 1
  15. 2009 December 23
    Windrose permalink

    Lost_Compass, you are today’s lucky card punch winner!

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23
      lost_compass permalink

      Gosh, it must be the season of miracles – I can’t remember the last time I got my “card” “punched”.

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 24

      we have to get our cards punched??

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 December 24
      develish1 permalink

      you don’t have to, but windrose likes to do it anyway

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 December 24
      Tacomagic permalink

      Can I get retroactive punches for my small set of contributions? I’ve lost track… 4 maybe?

      I’m gonna get that free coffee, even if I have to use puns!

      Adores: 1
  16. 2009 December 23
    tacomagic permalink

    My alternate post:

    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Adores: 21
    • 2009 December 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      I got that!

      Princess Bride reference FTW 🙂

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 23
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Plus a trillion for referencing “Princess Bride”!!!!!!!

      Adores: 0
  17. 2009 December 23

    And the one post that actually NEEDS quotation marks is forced to go without…sad, really.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 December 23
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      I found some extras.

      Company seeks a “Member” Relations Representative to represent “Company” in person at corporate “member” locations, and on the “phone” as needed. The “goal” of this “position” is to be “continuously touching” the “Company’s Members” at our “corporate member” locations to “educate,” “drive awareness,” “facilitate trust,” and promote general “goodwill.”

      You’re right, that is “better.”

      Adores: 3
  18. 2009 December 23
    Tmh permalink

    ***off topic, sappy msg. alert***
    Thanks to llama nun and the ostrich, along with all the regulars whose comments make
    make my day. Many blessings to you all in the New Year.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      Windrose permalink

      Tmh, you’re welcome! Post more often, we need the blessings. 8)

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 December 23
      Christina permalink

      I second this sentiment! Thank you all for making my workdays amusing. +100 to all!
      Coincidentally, I was asked by my superiors how many “high touch” clients I am currently working with. Had I read this post before then I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 December 23
      develish1 permalink

      *wonders if anyone saw her pre-drunk forum post and goes to check*

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 December 23
        develish1 permalink

        *sees that someone did and has added to it and smiles*

        and now comences my version of drunk psorting, assuming I have anything to say and can still type

        Adores: 0
      • 2009 December 23
        develish1 permalink

        why do I have the incredible urge to yell HAMBURGERS!!!!

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 23

          HAMBURGERS!!!!

          Adores: 7
        • 2009 December 23
          develish1 permalink

          +100 for our great Llamanun. I think you deserve at least one “don’t suck” after all your hard work over the last year that’s kept us all sorta sane and giggling at the same time.

          Adores: 1
  19. 2009 December 23
    sarajean80 permalink

    At the credit union where I work we call our depositors “Members”, a term I have not been able to use once since reading this without suppressing a giggle.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      Ed Snyder permalink

      At least they aren’t Credit Union Male-Type Organs.

      Adores: 1
  20. 2009 December 23
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Is drmk messing with us with the note regarding errors on the main page?

    “anomalies on the backend ”

    Ouch!

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 23
      Mimi permalink

      I think they make an ointment for that…

      Adores: 3
  21. 2009 December 23
    Windrose permalink

    I’m thankful today’s post didn’t have a photo to go with it.

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 December 24
    develish1 permalink

    hang on a minute, am I the oln,y one here to witmess my les than sober stat of mind?

    Adores: 1
  23. 2009 December 24

    I am too tired to actually formulate something witty to say. And I am so late to the show…. so here. Imagine a funny joke regarding todays post. Oh haha, I am so clever and snarky. +1 for me!

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 December 24
      develish1 permalink

      anyone that turns up this late (6.30am for me) and is still sober and able to type desrves a +1 in my view, but then I gave up on trying to type soke time ago, lol

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 December 24
        Windrose permalink

        I came in looking for the next post, but can’t wait any longer. Somebody post whatever I would have said for me, please.

        Adores: 0

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