YSaC, Vol. 524: Do I need to leverage their synergies, too?
This is a really good example of corporate-speak gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Member Relations Representative
Company seeks a Member Relations Representative to represent Company in person at corporate member locations, and on the phone as needed. The goal of this position is to be continuously touching the Company’s Members at our corporate member locations to educate, drive awareness, facilitate trust, and promote general goodwill.
A note to the HR person who wrote this:
- Did you use active verbs? Check.
- Did you capitalize “Members” to show respect for our customers? Check.
- Did you describe the position? Check.
- Did you describe the position in a way that makes it sound like a job at a seedy back-alley massage joint providing happy endings? Check.
Well done. You’re ready for management.
Thanks for the submission, CJ! (CJ struck gold with her very first submission!)
Last time I had member relations the company had to implement a new sexual harrassment policy.
In Soviet Russia, company’s member touches you.
That’s it – I’m moving to Russia.
I really should know by now never to read this site while drinking anything.
*carefully wipes monitor*
*hands Dev the screen cleaner and a keyboard condom*
why thank you my dear, I’ve always wanted one of those
Dang, I think I qualify for that position! Did they mention how much it pays?
But would you be happy in the same position all day long, one that is probably entry level?
How many members would you have to touch before you got promoted to something with more substance and less back-breaking monotony?
Sarajean, thank you for clearing that up. Guess I’ll stick it out at my current place of employment. I can just bend over and take it like a man.
Having to continually touch the company’s Members has lead to a reduction in efficiency of the position. In fact it’s becoming more and more difficult to drive the awareness home due to the amount of goodwill generated by the Members being held firm by the relations representative. Of course some Members have needed education, but with the strict schedule and difficulties satisfying demand, these Members have had to grope around for answers and in the end have not been satisfied. In short, we need a new relations representative to fill the needs of our Members. In so doing they’ll be taking the load from our other relations representatives and spreading it around more fairly.
Thank You,
Cheif Innuendo Officer
Dear CIO (Chief Innuendo Officer):
I’d give you a +1 but alas I cannot as my computer already acts as if I have. If someone who has the option could be so kind as to click on a “+1” for me, I would be forever grateful.
As a special request, please don’t forget to reach out to Santa’s north pole and give it a nice firm relation-y pat down for me. He certainly has a large load to off-load this time of year and I do want to appear accomodating and satisfying.
Oh yeah, that throbbing and glowing knob in the vicinity of Rudolph’s head could use a bit of TLC as well.
*wink wink and a ho ho ho*
I could apparently +1 myself, but I realized that I’m not a member.
Santa’s sacks are bulging every year at this time, eh, Mudslicker?
Of course. And then there’s something about him putting his finger to the side of his….
mudslicker… you being a fellow Vixen, seems like you’d know that she handles Rudolph’s knob.
And here I thought that job would have been left to Cupid…*silly me*
He sees you when you’re sleeping…
yes! same here. it thinks i have already +1ed you, tacomagic. so here:
+1
ok then. let’s just hope drmk/dan recognize that this comment is a WINNER.
Apparently you can’t spell liaise without sleaze.
Or at least this post can’t.
I like to live dangerously sometimes and post without spellchecking.
Add one to your score, Tacomagic. The site won’t let me do it. 8)
Monkeys
Winged Monkeys.
Bonobo Monkeys
chimp.
So… sort of a sexy concierge?
tacomagic; I would have given you a plus 1 for that but I can’t. The missing +1 gremlin has come my way 🙁
Ditto… some I can and some I can’t.
definitely a gremlin in the works. I wanted to +1 tacomagic too, but can’t. I’m seeing +1 on some but not others, and I got the “posting too fast” message again on my first post of the day.
I’ve got no +1 today either. Harumph.
In a rare astrological alignment of Mars, Seti-Alpha 5, and YourAnus, I had +1’s for everyone so I went ahead and clicked them all while I still could.
I +1’d you, since yours is the only post it gives me the option to.
Me? I just gave you +1 for the junior-high-esque “YourAnus” joke.
Same here. Just add up all of our responses to know what your true score would have been!
I tried to +1 and got a pop up that says “Cheatin’ uh?”.
Continuously touching the Company’s Members may cause you to lose the ability to “+1”, as the kids say.
+10
Sorry to be boring, but now I’ve got the mystery votes showing up, too.
Like Lola, I’ll survive. I suppose.
I’ll never look at one of those 80s “Members Only” jackets the same again. Instead of pointing and laughing, as usual, now I’ll snicker like a 12 year old.
Member seeks meaningful personal contact with Company Representative. I really hope the Company Representative read this. If this was you email me tell me what was I constantly touching when they had kick me out of the store.
How many members do you think this representative can touch before they stop promoting general goodwill and start promoting general antibiotics?
Andrea, that deserves a +1. Actually, a +many. I cannot plus you though, so I have to verbally touch your member, instead of actually physically touching it.
According to Wikipedia, only General Washington and General Pershing have been promoted to General of the Army. General Goodwill and General Antiobiotics should be charged under that stolen valor law.
I think this is more like promoting to General of the Smarmy.
Andrea, I also cannot +1 you, so please accept my verbal vote. Yours is one of several posts I cannot do this for today. I had hoped I was somehow immune to the +1 problem, but alas I am not.
Would you say that this post has ample innuendo?
Please tell me they put that through babel fish or something. I can’t imagine anyone who actually SPEAKS English fluently managing to garble the syntax like that.
And I haven’t read anything that repetitive since I tried to wade through the Lemony Snicket series.
Oh, this company is just trying to cover all the debase(s) for their Members’ goodwill.
It’s important to reach out and grip your audience in a situation where they will be having to deal with the members and their staff.
Taint that the truth!
Luckily they have a huge talent-base to draw from.
All your debase are belong to us.
You’ve obviously never worked for the U.S. government. Umm, this, out of sequence, makes no sense. It was a reply to the comment about people putting the post through babble-speak. No, they just ran it through a government hr office.
I feel like it has to be poorly translated – or a prank. “Members” euphemisms aside, why did they choose the word “touch?” I can’t help but picture some professional running around at a corporate event poking people.
well a “company speak” term I’ve heard used far too often is “touch base with” so maybe they just missed off a couple of words?
I have enough friends who work in the corporate world to know that this is actually something they say. “Touching” the customer means “making contact with in some fashion”. It was in combination with the word “member” that it took on this awful, awful connotation.
I used to work in Members relations for a golf course. Our motto: We aim to please.
Tiger Woods must have seen that and taken it entirely too much to heart.
*pretty please, no “wood”, “putter”, “hole in one”, “shaft”, “Jack Santiklaus” or “ball/ball cleaner” references..*
Today he drove it a little too hard on the back 9.
There, I think I avoided all of those.
Addendum: Even though it was a tough lay, he drilled it in.
And the Member relations motto for the men’s room should be “We aim to please…you aim too, please.”
According to Craigslist, his name is Lion Woods.
Ed: that would be “Not A Lion Woods”
For some reason, the people I talk to at radio stations and record labels all use the phrase “reach out to” instead of “contact.” As in, “Joe Smith is the tour manager, reach out to him when you get a chance to go over the details…”
I always want to say, “Can I just give him a call instead?”
Bianchi, the manager of my office is always telling me to reach out to my peers when I do something she doesn’t like and wants me to be like all the other supervisors in the office. Sigh.
I’m not just a “Member” but I’m also a client.
This could be a small-time pimp trying to expand his “operations.”
Lost_Compass, you are today’s lucky card punch winner!
Gosh, it must be the season of miracles – I can’t remember the last time I got my “card” “punched”.
we have to get our cards punched??
you don’t have to, but windrose likes to do it anyway
Can I get retroactive punches for my small set of contributions? I’ve lost track… 4 maybe?
I’m gonna get that free coffee, even if I have to use puns!
My alternate post:
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I got that!
Princess Bride reference FTW 🙂
Plus a trillion for referencing “Princess Bride”!!!!!!!
And the one post that actually NEEDS quotation marks is forced to go without…sad, really.
I found some extras.
Company seeks a “Member” Relations Representative to represent “Company” in person at corporate “member” locations, and on the “phone” as needed. The “goal” of this “position” is to be “continuously touching” the “Company’s Members” at our “corporate member” locations to “educate,” “drive awareness,” “facilitate trust,” and promote general “goodwill.”
You’re right, that is “better.”
***off topic, sappy msg. alert***
Thanks to llama nun and the ostrich, along with all the regulars whose comments make
make my day. Many blessings to you all in the New Year.
Tmh, you’re welcome! Post more often, we need the blessings. 8)
I second this sentiment! Thank you all for making my workdays amusing. +100 to all!
Coincidentally, I was asked by my superiors how many “high touch” clients I am currently working with. Had I read this post before then I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face.
*wonders if anyone saw her pre-drunk forum post and goes to check*
*sees that someone did and has added to it and smiles*
and now comences my version of drunk psorting, assuming I have anything to say and can still type
why do I have the incredible urge to yell HAMBURGERS!!!!
HAMBURGERS!!!!
+100 for our great Llamanun. I think you deserve at least one “don’t suck” after all your hard work over the last year that’s kept us all sorta sane and giggling at the same time.
At the credit union where I work we call our depositors “Members”, a term I have not been able to use once since reading this without suppressing a giggle.
At least they aren’t Credit Union Male-Type Organs.
Is drmk messing with us with the note regarding errors on the main page?
“anomalies on the backend ”
Ouch!
I think they make an ointment for that…
I’m thankful today’s post didn’t have a photo to go with it.
hang on a minute, am I the oln,y one here to witmess my les than sober stat of mind?
no. i’m here, way late to the show. 🙂
I am too tired to actually formulate something witty to say. And I am so late to the show…. so here. Imagine a funny joke regarding todays post. Oh haha, I am so clever and snarky. +1 for me!
anyone that turns up this late (6.30am for me) and is still sober and able to type desrves a +1 in my view, but then I gave up on trying to type soke time ago, lol
I came in looking for the next post, but can’t wait any longer. Somebody post whatever I would have said for me, please.