YSaC, Vol. 522: Will you still feed me, when I’m 24?
2009 December 21
Alternative Hunny/ I AM!!!! – 24 (Downtown/Ish)
Yes Elmwood, Richmond Ave woman is what I profer!!! I am a 23 y/o male whose B/D is next week!!! I seek fun and excitment witch is discreate!!! I wish to seek that somone who is in need of lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs. Outside housing needs shoreline!!!
He’s offering two streets. He’s looking for a witch who can cause things to remove themselves from existence. He’s looking for someone who is need of a lack of sexual or intimate needs. And he lives in a rickety tent that needs to be held up with a clothesline.
Sorry, that’s the best I can do. Any other ideas?
Thanks for the submission, Erica!
He also apparently lives in downtown Ish. That’s a rough neighborhood if I recall correctly.
Or just rough-ish.
I used to live in downtown Ish. It was pretty sketchy. As soon as I got a decent job I moved to Kinda Sorta, in the suburbs. These days, though, I’m thinking of moving back into the city: Morror Less seems like a cool neighborhood, now that it’s getting gentrified.
It’s nice, but the best schools are in Aye Dunno.
He doesn’t give us many details about this woman he proffers. Is he trading her for lack of sexual needs? I may have to call in sick this morning so I can stay here and figure this out.
Well he does mention he prefers that they’re from Richmond Ave. Either this street is known for one type of woman, or he’s stalking some poor girl who happens to live on Richmond Ave.
Who the heck is this Elmwood person to whom he writes?
He does not prefer Richmond Ave woman, he profers her. So he is offering a woman in exchange for a “discreate” fun and excitement witch who needs a lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs and who has a tent on the shoreline. A really simple request.
I’d totally swap a boring, regular woman for fun-and-excitement witch – that sounds awesome!!
Imagine – F&E Witch waves her wand and all of a sudden, the office meeting becomes a beach party with conga line, the post-office queue is transformed into a tequila layback line and doing the washing up happens in a swimming-pool sized whirlpool full of frothy bubbles and animated corckery, a la Disney’s version of Beauty and the Beast.
Now work seems even less fun. 🙁
I wish to seek that somone who is in need of lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs.
Hey! That sounds like my personal ad from back when I was dating! Talk about missed connections…
good luk to yoo! mabe yoo will find a girl? who thinks and rites like yoo. oh, and happy b/d two yoo!
Does B/D mean “bondage and discipline”?
I think it means “Break Down”. He’s getting a head start on the craziness.
From the title, I thought that maybe Yoda posted a personal ad. “Alternative Hunny I am. 800 year old male I am. Fun and excitement from a witch I seek.”
I wish it was his, I always thought Yoda was a little cutie.(I know he’s a puppet. I have issues.)
On a vaguely related note, the way Yoda speaks with the verb on the end is the same way Latin in written. My high school Latin teacher would always tell us, “Just pretend Yoda wrote it” when we were doing those endless translations. I did learn how to say “Your mother is a prostitute” in Latin, though. (“Vestri matris meretricis est”, if you are wondering.)
“Vestri matris meretricis est”
*notes for future reference when insulting*
Try “ Vestri abbas monachus per semino“. It means “ Your father breeds with monkeys.”
This is what happens when you try to teach Latin to high school kids.
(+1 for anything with monkeys. That’s my policy.)
well I might have +1 if I could, seems they’re messed up again as I’m not seeing the option on half the comments on this one.
In life, I’ve found that no matter what the question is, “Your father breeds with monkeys” always seems to be an appropriate response.
I’m having the +1 issue too. It appears to have followed me to work.
Hurrah! I used to know “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear”, but now I usually just use Bartus Simpsonicus’ classis “vescere bracis meis” (lit. eat my breeches, as shorts were yet to be invented).
si hic legere potes, nimium intellegere habes.
*giggle*
I know what that means!
I must say this is the first time anything I learned in high school Latin has been even remotely useful.
@ Jen – it’s “Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
My favorite Latin tag, for reasons that may be obvious, has to be cucullus non facit monachum.
It does not mean that an Irish mythological hero won’t fight with monkeys.
I must have grown up more innocently. The only latin joke I knew was how to conjugate the verb “to spit”: spitto, spittere, ach tui, splattus. Damn jesuits, no effing fun.
Lola, uhm, why the blank look today?
Wow, all of your Latin classes must have had much more sophisticated students. Most of the students in my class couldn’t stop sniggering over “Longus et durus bonus est”.
*giggle*
…est.
Sempre ubi sububi? Not sure on the speeling.
I’m totally stumped by “outside housing needs shoreline.”
Me too. The poor spelling and homophonic word misuse is pretty par for CL, as is the complete lack of discernment regarding sexual partners (only real criteria: live female/ish human/ish). But the sheerly random quality of closing with “outside housing needs shoreline” is what confirms (for me) its “wtf” tag.
So the most honest personal ad on CL would be:
Desperate M4W:
I am a 44 yo ex-janitor who has a level 70 palidin who’s looking for love ;). I like sitting at home watching TV and drinking beer mixed with Mtn Dew. I usually wear clean clothing when I remember to change them.
I’m looking for any woman at all. Pulse completely optional, still warm is perferred if no pulse. Part of the Homo Sapiens species is also perferred, but any woman part of the greater animal kingdom will be considered as well. No skunks or pocupines please.
Drill the right size hole in them and he’ll even pork-your-pines.
oh dear, now you’ve just put back an awful image I’be been trying to get out of my head for days Ed.
The Table May Or May Not Have Been Asking For It
… I mean, did you see the placemats it was wearing? Come on.
I know! That design is just so last year.
I thinky the linky is broke. It takes me to Probably Bad News but says “Page Not Found”.
sorry sarajean, that happens sometimes when I try to link that way for some odd reason. Try this one instead
http://probablybadnews.com/2009/12/14/funny-news-headlines-the-table-may-or-may-not-have-been-asking-for-it/
Thanks, Dev dear!
I have a new site to bookmark now. Any site that includes the phrase “…sexual congress on the garden furniture…” gets an automatic gold star.
I thought I’d already added that to the “other places” list in the forum. I’ll have to check now
didn’t need to it was already in the list windrose posted
stumped by “outside housing needs shoreline.”
I’m pretty sure llama-nun leader nailed the meaning of this in the intro:
And he lives in a rickety tent (outside housing) that needs to be held up with a clothesline (shore line).
Dev, I often post some of those gems to my Facebook page. I just love it!
That’s the only real substance to the whole ad, if you are the person (?) he is seeking. See, all the rest is fluff, to throw off whoever may be on his trail (law enforcement? IRS? aliens?). Then, if you truly are The One he is trying to communicate with, the phrase “outside housing needs shoreline” will mean something to you and trigger you into action. It would translate to something like, “Still living in the basement, but Mom’s got Bingo tonight”, or “I need more aluminum foil”. Something like that. Just sayin’.
Law enforcement and the IRS are aliens, aren’t they?
*adds tinfoil to grocery list for more hat construction*
You’ll find this link helpful:
http://zapatopi.net/afdb/
“level 70 palidin”
Gaming reference?
World of Warcraft reference, to be precise. I haven’t ever played WoW (I derivate my nerdish cred from another gaming sources), but I know that reaching level 70 generally indicates a level of commitment to the game not fully compatible with personal hygiene.
Good to know, particularly if I am tempted to ever again answer an online personal (and can’t see the poster).
Pfft, level 70 was SOOOOO last year. I, myself, am a World of Warcraft player and refuse to be ashamed about it. I happen to have a level 80 paladin, amongst others. I won’t tell you how many, for fear I may be tarred and feathered and run out of YSaC on a virtual rail. 🙂
Oh Mimi, before I forget, congrats on not sucking. Did you get your card punched?
Thanks dev! Sadly somewhere along the line I missed the “card punching” incident and don’t get the reference. 🙁
So, if it’s a good thing, I’m all for it. If not, I’ll try to avoid it. 🙂
it’s a good thing, honest. I can’t for the life of me remember who started it now though. Think I need more coffee and less snow.
I think it was Windrose – she virtually punches your “You Don’t Suck” card if you make it into the “You don’t suck at commenting” column at right. Just a nice little acknowlegement of a job well done. 🙂
that will be why there’s been no card punching today then, she’s not here yet.
Also, after ten punches, your next cup is free.
(If you know what I mean.)
(And I think you do.)
I totally have a level 80 hunter. Even more shamage* there. And she is a NE**. But, I quit playing. Hubby still does, tho. In fact, he is in Azeroth*** as I speak****.
*Legend has it that there is a large population of Stay at Home Moms (which I am) that flocked to WoW and created NE hunters.
**NE=Night Elf. They all created NE hunters. I did too, by sheer accident. But hunters are allegedly the easiest to play.
***Azeroth=World in Warcraft.
****Figuratively speaking, of course, cuz I am not really speaking, but typing. “As I type” has such a different feel to it though, don’t you think?
My hubby and I play together. On the horde side though. Hunter is one of the few classes I haven’t leveled above 50. Just couldn’t get into it for some reason.
thanks Isaac,
but after the hangover I had the other day I think I’ll be staying away from the cups of punch for a few days
Mimi, here’s your card! I punched it for ya! 8) Sorry I was late, had to fill up the tank on the way home from work. If you know what I mean. And I think you do!
In Soviet Russia, Discreate Witch seeks excitement from you.
Discreate Witch divided by zero equals OH SH-
Oh dear, he’s done it again.
* Gets out unbreakable diamond tether to fish Graham T out of self-created black hole*
*puts “diamond tether” on Amazon wish list*
What? One can hope.
Whew, thanks sarajean! My compulsion to divide dangerous objects by zero has been overriding my common sense lately. I’ve gotta quit doing that.
GrahamT / 0 = Oh cra-
GrahamT: dividing by zero is futile although I love it because always know what the answer is!!!
I have met the Excitement Witch. She is NOT discreet.
Not only that, I think a lot of guys get involved with Excitement Witch because they like the Excitement part, and they think the Witch part is kinda sexy. Then the Excitement goes away, and all they have is the Witch. Not so fun OR sexy at that point.
Yeah, but given the 90:1 ratio of Witch to Princess in America, Excitement Witch is the obvious choice when faced with Evil Witch, Whiney Witch, Needy Witch, Vapid Witch, Boring Witch, Drunk Witch, Old Witch, or even the classic Succubus.
Coming soon to a theater near you!
Ass Hat and the Nine Witches – Excitement,Evil,Whiney,Needy, Vapid,Boring,Drunk, Old, and Succubus. Can these nine women save Ass from dying alone in his mother’s basement, forgotten and unloved, his cold, dead fingers still clutching his one lifeline – the keyboard? Can they at least get him to bathe more than once a year and eat something besides CheezDoodles and Mountain Dew?
Find out in summer 2011!
Rathy,
So what you’re saying is that most guys will still go for a witch of any description, in most cases?
Man, dating sucks.
Signed,
Not a witch, not really a princess either
PS: The site is nannying me again – “you’re posting too quickly” – when I have no comments showing up in the “talk amongst yourselves” previous 5 posts. Er?
SaraJean: “Have another cherry.”
sarajean80: I usually describe the coming of my monthly, er, cycle as the arrival of the seven other dwarves: Bitchy, Moany, Pissy, Whiny, Crampy, Bloaty, and Bleedy. (They usually come in that order, too.)
Lola: try clearing your cache. I have no idea why that might help, but it might.
If those are my choices, I’ll settle for a sandwich.
*hands Lola the cache cleaning device*
drmk: will do. Also, are these your dwarves? They appear to be at my house for some reason …
Story of the men who date me.
I would love having a relationship with a witch who can cause things to remove themselves from existence. Specially if she can cause people to do the same. I can think of a lot of situations where that ability could be extremely useful (and entertaining).
Of course, such a relationship would require a lot of effort to avoid making her mad, but I think it could be worth the effort and the occasional relative spinelessness.
The witch he wants to meet can get rid of unwanted things (and people) two ways: either by exitment (they just leave the vicinity) or by dis-creating them (history is rewritten; like George Bailey, they never existed in the first place).
Discreation is obviously a pretty high-level spell. But I think witches get it before they hit Level 70.
I think that you are all going down the wrong path- “alternative hunny” is clearly a Winnie the Pooh reference. WInnie the Pooh is simply looking for a low calorie hunny source that he can eat by the ocean.
Maybe his “outside housing needs shoreline” refers to him being adrift in a sea of loneliness, and all he needs is a witch to throw him a line…from shore…and..pull..never mind……..
I’m still trying to figure out what an “out ordinary need” is. Is he looking for someone whose ordinary needs are in the closet? What if his witch likes keeping her ordinary needs in the closet next to her brooms?
I fiugred “outside housing needs shorline” meant he was looking to pitch a tent on the beach.
It seems to me like he had to post a personal ad and a housing ad, and rather than post two entirely separate postings, he put all his phrases in a blender and got this.
Or maybe B/D is some sort of reference to losing a home/aparment, and he’s hoping to move in with a woman – which would explain why he’s look for a lack of sexual needs. Please most women are sexual predators, and a 23 or 24 year old Hunny needs to look out for himself.
Don’t think too hard regarding any hidden meanings here with Mr. Ish.
Alas, sad to say, B/D is-what-it-is and merely his unique way of anticipating his stupid birthday.
(“Ooh, I hope there are clowns [Depressy?] and mimes to go with my cake!”).
Depressy will only attend party/pagan ritual/camping trip of Richmond Ave Alternative Hunny to bring upon his untimely demise.
Only if you can somehow deliver a Burning Man themed gala!
Oh, and BTW, I believe I recognize that onslaught of forward slashes. Depressy’s alter-ego wouldn’t perhaps be Igor perchance?
not sure mudslicker, but I agree it is his style.
Kudos to our fearless llama-nun leader on the Beatles reference, BTW.
On one hand, I hate getting here to the party so late in the day. But on the other hand, the meandering thought patterns and—dare I say— even a nifty Latin proverb that will so come in handy for my Christmas cards next year (thanks sarajean!) that await me when I do, leave me borderline giddy.
From my drifting dingy, I can just barely see the shoreline. I’ve only got one more thing to add to this gem (that would stump even the Delphic Oracle):
Whiskey
Tango
Foxtrot
????
I love Intiment’s. They make good danish.
But their doughnuts are sort of dry and cakey.
No idea what he’s talking about or which language it’s being expressed in but HELL YEAH SIGN ME UP.
Also, I came.
According to urbandictionary.com, “shoreline” is a slang term for marijuana. Which pretty much explains the rest of the post.
I kind of figured “Outside housing needs shoreline!!!” means he lives on a barge on a canal or maybe a 10 foot rubber dinghy. Beyond that, I have no idea what he’s looking for.
Do people really answer these ads?
I believe I can at least answer the “shoreline” mystery (although I can’t do anything with the outside housing needs.) Shoreline’s a city in my neck of the woods, and Richmond Ave does indeed run through it.
Wait. So he’s a homeless pothead who wants to spend his birthday with an exciting discreation witch?
That’s one of the many theories, yes! No one knows for sure …
WELL, can you think of something BETTER to ask for on your birthday? I THINK NOT!
He is seeking someone (preferably a Wiccan who can reverse the entropy of the universe) who wishes to work on curbing their sexual addiction and maybe eating and breathing if that’s what qualifies as “ordinary needs.” Also, he would like beachfront property.