YSaC, Vol. 522: Will you still feed me, when I’m 24?

2009 December 21

Alternative Hunny/ I AM!!!! – 24 (Downtown/Ish)


Yes Elmwood, Richmond Ave woman is what I profer!!! I am a 23 y/o male whose B/D is next week!!! I seek fun and excitment witch is discreate!!! I wish to seek that somone who is in need of lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs. Outside housing needs shoreline!!!

He’s offering two streets. He’s looking for a witch who can cause things to remove themselves from existence. He’s looking for someone who is need of a lack of sexual or intimate needs. And he lives in a rickety tent that needs to be held up with a clothesline.

Sorry, that’s the best I can do. Any other ideas?

Thanks for the submission, Erica!

102 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 December 21
    tacomagic permalink

    He also apparently lives in downtown Ish. That’s a rough neighborhood if I recall correctly.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 December 21
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      Or just rough-ish.

      Adores: 5
    • 2009 December 21

      I used to live in downtown Ish. It was pretty sketchy. As soon as I got a decent job I moved to Kinda Sorta, in the suburbs. These days, though, I’m thinking of moving back into the city: Morror Less seems like a cool neighborhood, now that it’s getting gentrified.

      Adores: 28
      • 2009 December 21
        sarajean80 permalink

        It’s nice, but the best schools are in Aye Dunno.

        Adores: 7
  2. 2009 December 21
    Windrose permalink

    He doesn’t give us many details about this woman he proffers. Is he trading her for lack of sexual needs? I may have to call in sick this morning so I can stay here and figure this out.

    Adores: 6
    • 2009 December 21

      Well he does mention he prefers that they’re from Richmond Ave. Either this street is known for one type of woman, or he’s stalking some poor girl who happens to live on Richmond Ave.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 21
        Ed Snyder permalink

        Who the heck is this Elmwood person to whom he writes?

        Adores: 6
      • 2009 December 21

        He does not prefer Richmond Ave woman, he profers her. So he is offering a woman in exchange for a “discreate” fun and excitement witch who needs a lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs and who has a tent on the shoreline. A really simple request.

        Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 21
          Jen permalink

          I’d totally swap a boring, regular woman for fun-and-excitement witch – that sounds awesome!!

          Imagine – F&E Witch waves her wand and all of a sudden, the office meeting becomes a beach party with conga line, the post-office queue is transformed into a tequila layback line and doing the washing up happens in a swimming-pool sized whirlpool full of frothy bubbles and animated corckery, a la Disney’s version of Beauty and the Beast.

          Now work seems even less fun. ๐Ÿ™

          Adores: 14
  3. 2009 December 21
    Colleen in MA permalink

    I wish to seek that somone who is in need of lack of sexual or intiment or any out ordinary needs.

    Hey! That sounds like my personal ad from back when I was dating! Talk about missed connections…

    Adores: 10
  4. 2009 December 21
    queensbee permalink

    good luk to yoo! mabe yoo will find a girl? who thinks and rites like yoo. oh, and happy b/d two yoo!

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 December 21
      Ed Snyder permalink

      Does B/D mean “bondage and discipline”?

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 21
        sarajean80 permalink

        I think it means “Break Down”. He’s getting a head start on the craziness.

        Adores: 4
  5. 2009 December 21
    Ed Snyder permalink

    From the title, I thought that maybe Yoda posted a personal ad. “Alternative Hunny I am. 800 year old male I am. Fun and excitement from a witch I seek.”

    Adores: 20
    • 2009 December 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      I wish it was his, I always thought Yoda was a little cutie.(I know he’s a puppet. I have issues.)

      On a vaguely related note, the way Yoda speaks with the verb on the end is the same way Latin in written. My high school Latin teacher would always tell us, “Just pretend Yoda wrote it” when we were doing those endless translations. I did learn how to say “Your mother is a prostitute” in Latin, though. (“Vestri matris meretricis est”, if you are wondering.)

      Adores: 11
      • 2009 December 21
        Lola permalink

        “Vestri matris meretricis estโ€

        *notes for future reference when insulting*

        Adores: 4
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          Try “ Vestri abbas monachus per semino“. It means “ Your father breeds with monkeys.

          This is what happens when you try to teach Latin to high school kids.

          Adores: 11
        • 2009 December 21

          (+1 for anything with monkeys. That’s my policy.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          well I might have +1 if I could, seems they’re messed up again as I’m not seeing the option on half the comments on this one.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21

          In life, I’ve found that no matter what the question is, “Your father breeds with monkeys” always seems to be an appropriate response.

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 21
          Lola permalink

          I’m having the +1 issue too. It appears to have followed me to work.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21
          Jen permalink

          Hurrah! I used to know “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear”, but now I usually just use Bartus Simpsonicus’ classis “vescere bracis meis” (lit. eat my breeches, as shorts were yet to be invented).

          si hic legere potes, nimium intellegere habes.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          *giggle*
          I know what that means!

          I must say this is the first time anything I learned in high school Latin has been even remotely useful.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          @ Jen – it’s “Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21

          My favorite Latin tag, for reasons that may be obvious, has to be cucullus non facit monachum.

          It does not mean that an Irish mythological hero won’t fight with monkeys.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21

          I must have grown up more innocently. The only latin joke I knew was how to conjugate the verb “to spit”: spitto, spittere, ach tui, splattus. Damn jesuits, no effing fun.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21
          Windrose permalink

          Lola, uhm, why the blank look today?

          Adores: 0
      • 2009 December 21
        Elle permalink

        Wow, all of your Latin classes must have had much more sophisticated students. Most of the students in my class couldn’t stop sniggering over “Longus et durus bonus est”.

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          GrahamT permalink

          *giggle*

          …est.

          Adores: 3
        • 2009 December 21
          Windrose permalink

          Sempre ubi sububi? Not sure on the speeling.

          Adores: 2
  6. 2009 December 21
    Ed Snyder permalink

    I’m totally stumped by “outside housing needs shoreline.”

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 December 21
      Lola permalink

      Me too. The poor spelling and homophonic word misuse is pretty par for CL, as is the complete lack of discernment regarding sexual partners (only real criteria: live female/ish human/ish). But the sheerly random quality of closing with “outside housing needs shoreline” is what confirms (for me) its “wtf” tag.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 21
        tacomagic permalink

        So the most honest personal ad on CL would be:

        Desperate M4W:

        I am a 44 yo ex-janitor who has a level 70 palidin who’s looking for love ;). I like sitting at home watching TV and drinking beer mixed with Mtn Dew. I usually wear clean clothing when I remember to change them.

        I’m looking for any woman at all. Pulse completely optional, still warm is perferred if no pulse. Part of the Homo Sapiens species is also perferred, but any woman part of the greater animal kingdom will be considered as well. No skunks or pocupines please.

        Adores: 15
        • 2009 December 21
          Ed Snyder permalink

          Drill the right size hole in them and he’ll even pork-your-pines.

          Adores: 12
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          oh dear, now you’ve just put back an awful image I’be been trying to get out of my head for days Ed.

          The Table May Or May Not Have Been Asking For It

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21

          … I mean, did you see the placemats it was wearing? Come on.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          I know! That design is just so last year.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          I thinky the linky is broke. It takes me to Probably Bad News but says “Page Not Found”.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          sorry sarajean, that happens sometimes when I try to link that way for some odd reason. Try this one instead

          http://probablybadnews.com/2009/12/14/funny-news-headlines-the-table-may-or-may-not-have-been-asking-for-it/

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          Thanks, Dev dear!
          I have a new site to bookmark now. Any site that includes the phrase “…sexual congress on the garden furniture…” gets an automatic gold star.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          I thought I’d already added that to the “other places” list in the forum. I’ll have to check now

          didn’t need to it was already in the list windrose posted

          Adores: 0
      • 2009 December 21

        stumped by โ€œoutside housing needs shoreline.โ€

        I’m pretty sure llama-nun leader nailed the meaning of this in the intro:

        And he lives in a rickety tent (outside housing) that needs to be held up with a clothesline (shore line).

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 December 21
          Windrose permalink

          Dev, I often post some of those gems to my Facebook page. I just love it!

          Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 21
      Cindy B. permalink

      That’s the only real substance to the whole ad, if you are the person (?) he is seeking. See, all the rest is fluff, to throw off whoever may be on his trail (law enforcement? IRS? aliens?). Then, if you truly are The One he is trying to communicate with, the phrase “outside housing needs shoreline” will mean something to you and trigger you into action. It would translate to something like, “Still living in the basement, but Mom’s got Bingo tonight”, or “I need more aluminum foil”. Something like that. Just sayin’.

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 December 21
        Lola permalink

        Law enforcement and the IRS are aliens, aren’t they?

        *adds tinfoil to grocery list for more hat construction*

        Adores: 1
  7. 2009 December 21
    Lola permalink

    “level 70 palidin”
    Gaming reference?

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 December 21
      Traveler permalink

      World of Warcraft reference, to be precise. I haven’t ever played WoW (I derivate my nerdish cred from another gaming sources), but I know that reaching level 70 generally indicates a level of commitment to the game not fully compatible with personal hygiene.

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 December 21
        Lola permalink

        Good to know, particularly if I am tempted to ever again answer an online personal (and can’t see the poster).

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 21
        Mimi permalink

        Pfft, level 70 was SOOOOO last year. I, myself, am a World of Warcraft player and refuse to be ashamed about it. I happen to have a level 80 paladin, amongst others. I won’t tell you how many, for fear I may be tarred and feathered and run out of YSaC on a virtual rail. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          Oh Mimi, before I forget, congrats on not sucking. Did you get your card punched?

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          Mimi permalink

          Thanks dev! Sadly somewhere along the line I missed the “card punching” incident and don’t get the reference. ๐Ÿ™

          So, if it’s a good thing, I’m all for it. If not, I’ll try to avoid it. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          it’s a good thing, honest. I can’t for the life of me remember who started it now though. Think I need more coffee and less snow.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          Lola permalink

          I think it was Windrose – she virtually punches your “You Don’t Suck” card if you make it into the “You don’t suck at commenting” column at right. Just a nice little acknowlegement of a job well done. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          that will be why there’s been no card punching today then, she’s not here yet.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21

          Also, after ten punches, your next cup is free.

          (If you know what I mean.)

          (And I think you do.)

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 21
          2Sly4U permalink

          I totally have a level 80 hunter. Even more shamage* there. And she is a NE**. But, I quit playing. Hubby still does, tho. In fact, he is in Azeroth*** as I speak****.

          *Legend has it that there is a large population of Stay at Home Moms (which I am) that flocked to WoW and created NE hunters.
          **NE=Night Elf. They all created NE hunters. I did too, by sheer accident. But hunters are allegedly the easiest to play.
          ***Azeroth=World in Warcraft.
          ****Figuratively speaking, of course, cuz I am not really speaking, but typing. “As I type” has such a different feel to it though, don’t you think?

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          Mimi permalink

          My hubby and I play together. On the horde side though. Hunter is one of the few classes I haven’t leveled above 50. Just couldn’t get into it for some reason.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          develish1 permalink

          thanks Isaac,

          but after the hangover I had the other day I think I’ll be staying away from the cups of punch for a few days

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          Windrose permalink

          Mimi, here’s your card! I punched it for ya! 8) Sorry I was late, had to fill up the tank on the way home from work. If you know what I mean. And I think you do!

          Adores: 5
  8. 2009 December 21
    Ed Snyder permalink

    In Soviet Russia, Discreate Witch seeks excitement from you.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 December 21
      GrahamT permalink

      Discreate Witch divided by zero equals OH SH-

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 December 21
        sarajean80 permalink

        Oh dear, he’s done it again.

        * Gets out unbreakable diamond tether to fish Graham T out of self-created black hole*

        Adores: 5
        • 2009 December 21
          Lola permalink

          *puts “diamond tether” on Amazon wish list*
          What? One can hope.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          GrahamT permalink

          Whew, thanks sarajean! My compulsion to divide dangerous objects by zero has been overriding my common sense lately. I’ve gotta quit doing that.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 22
          tacomagic permalink

          GrahamT / 0 = Oh cra-

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 22
          mudslicker permalink

          GrahamT: dividing by zero is futile although I love it because always know what the answer is!!!

          Adores: 1
  9. 2009 December 21

    I have met the Excitement Witch. She is NOT discreet.

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 December 21
      Lola permalink

      Not only that, I think a lot of guys get involved with Excitement Witch because they like the Excitement part, and they think the Witch part is kinda sexy. Then the Excitement goes away, and all they have is the Witch. Not so fun OR sexy at that point.

      Adores: 7
      • 2009 December 21
        Rathy permalink

        Yeah, but given the 90:1 ratio of Witch to Princess in America, Excitement Witch is the obvious choice when faced with Evil Witch, Whiney Witch, Needy Witch, Vapid Witch, Boring Witch, Drunk Witch, Old Witch, or even the classic Succubus.

        Adores: 4
        • 2009 December 21
          sarajean80 permalink

          Coming soon to a theater near you!

          Ass Hat and the Nine Witches – Excitement,Evil,Whiney,Needy, Vapid,Boring,Drunk, Old, and Succubus. Can these nine women save Ass from dying alone in his mother’s basement, forgotten and unloved, his cold, dead fingers still clutching his one lifeline – the keyboard? Can they at least get him to bathe more than once a year and eat something besides CheezDoodles and Mountain Dew?
          Find out in summer 2011!

          Adores: 11
        • 2009 December 21
          Lola permalink

          Rathy,
          So what you’re saying is that most guys will still go for a witch of any description, in most cases?
          Man, dating sucks.
          Signed,
          Not a witch, not really a princess either

          PS: The site is nannying me again – “you’re posting too quickly” – when I have no comments showing up in the “talk amongst yourselves” previous 5 posts. Er?

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21

          SaraJean: “Have another cherry.”

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 21

          sarajean80: I usually describe the coming of my monthly, er, cycle as the arrival of the seven other dwarves: Bitchy, Moany, Pissy, Whiny, Crampy, Bloaty, and Bleedy. (They usually come in that order, too.)

          Lola: try clearing your cache. I have no idea why that might help, but it might.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 21
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          If those are my choices, I’ll settle for a sandwich.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 December 21
          Windrose permalink

          *hands Lola the cache cleaning device*

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 22
          Lola permalink

          drmk: will do. Also, are these your dwarves? They appear to be at my house for some reason …

          Adores: 2
      • 2009 December 22
        Meredith permalink

        Story of the men who date me.

        Adores: 1
  10. 2009 December 21
    Traveler permalink

    I would love having a relationship with a witch who can cause things to remove themselves from existence. Specially if she can cause people to do the same. I can think of a lot of situations where that ability could be extremely useful (and entertaining).

    Of course, such a relationship would require a lot of effort to avoid making her mad, but I think it could be worth the effort and the occasional relative spinelessness.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 December 21

      The witch he wants to meet can get rid of unwanted things (and people) two ways: either by exitment (they just leave the vicinity) or by dis-creating them (history is rewritten; like George Bailey, they never existed in the first place).

      Discreation is obviously a pretty high-level spell. But I think witches get it before they hit Level 70.

      Adores: 15
  11. 2009 December 21

    I think that you are all going down the wrong path- “alternative hunny” is clearly a Winnie the Pooh reference. WInnie the Pooh is simply looking for a low calorie hunny source that he can eat by the ocean.

    Adores: 14
  12. 2009 December 21

    Maybe his “outside housing needs shoreline” refers to him being adrift in a sea of loneliness, and all he needs is a witch to throw him a line…from shore…and..pull..never mind……..

    Adores: 4
  13. 2009 December 21
    Mimi permalink

    I’m still trying to figure out what an “out ordinary need” is. Is he looking for someone whose ordinary needs are in the closet? What if his witch likes keeping her ordinary needs in the closet next to her brooms?

    Adores: 2
  14. 2009 December 21

    I fiugred “outside housing needs shorline” meant he was looking to pitch a tent on the beach.

    Adores: 1
  15. 2009 December 21
    InsideJoke permalink

    It seems to me like he had to post a personal ad and a housing ad, and rather than post two entirely separate postings, he put all his phrases in a blender and got this.

    Or maybe B/D is some sort of reference to losing a home/aparment, and he’s hoping to move in with a woman – which would explain why he’s look for a lack of sexual needs. Please most women are sexual predators, and a 23 or 24 year old Hunny needs to look out for himself.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 December 21
      mudslicker permalink

      Don’t think too hard regarding any hidden meanings here with Mr. Ish.

      Alas, sad to say, B/D is-what-it-is and merely his unique way of anticipating his stupid birthday.

      (“Ooh, I hope there are clowns [Depressy?] and mimes to go with my cake!”).

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 December 21
        Depressy permalink

        Depressy will only attend party/pagan ritual/camping trip of Richmond Ave Alternative Hunny to bring upon his untimely demise.

        Adores: 8
        • 2009 December 22
          mudslicker permalink

          Only if you can somehow deliver a Burning Man themed gala!

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 December 22
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh, and BTW, I believe I recognize that onslaught of forward slashes. Depressy’s alter-ego wouldn’t perhaps be Igor perchance?

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 December 22
          develish1 permalink

          not sure mudslicker, but I agree it is his style.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2009 December 21
    sarajean80 permalink

    Kudos to our fearless llama-nun leader on the Beatles reference, BTW.

    Adores: 3
  17. 2009 December 21
    mudslicker permalink

    On one hand, I hate getting here to the party so late in the day. But on the other hand, the meandering thought patterns and—dare I say— even a nifty Latin proverb that will so come in handy for my Christmas cards next year (thanks sarajean!) that await me when I do, leave me borderline giddy.

    From my drifting dingy, I can just barely see the shoreline. I’ve only got one more thing to add to this gem (that would stump even the Delphic Oracle):

    Whiskey

    Tango

    Foxtrot

    ????

    Adores: 5
  18. 2009 December 21
    Heather permalink

    I love Intiment’s. They make good danish.

    Adores: 6
    • 2009 December 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      But their doughnuts are sort of dry and cakey.

      Adores: 1
  19. 2009 December 21

    No idea what he’s talking about or which language it’s being expressed in but HELL YEAH SIGN ME UP.

    Also, I came.

    Adores: 2
  20. 2009 December 22
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    According to urbandictionary.com, “shoreline” is a slang term for marijuana. Which pretty much explains the rest of the post.

    Adores: 5
  21. 2009 December 22
    screamer permalink

    I kind of figured “Outside housing needs shoreline!!!” means he lives on a barge on a canal or maybe a 10 foot rubber dinghy. Beyond that, I have no idea what he’s looking for.

    Do people really answer these ads?

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 December 22
    Dani permalink

    I believe I can at least answer the “shoreline” mystery (although I can’t do anything with the outside housing needs.) Shoreline’s a city in my neck of the woods, and Richmond Ave does indeed run through it.

    Adores: 1
  23. 2009 December 22
    Cled permalink

    Wait. So he’s a homeless pothead who wants to spend his birthday with an exciting discreation witch?

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 22
      Lola permalink

      That’s one of the many theories, yes! No one knows for sure …

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 December 22
      Meredith permalink

      WELL, can you think of something BETTER to ask for on your birthday? I THINK NOT!

      Adores: 2
  24. 2009 December 23
    Vanessa permalink

    He is seeking someone (preferably a Wiccan who can reverse the entropy of the universe) who wishes to work on curbing their sexual addiction and maybe eating and breathing if that’s what qualifies as “ordinary needs.” Also, he would like beachfront property.

    Adores: 1

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