YSaC, Vol. 631: You better listen to the radio.
I NEED A FREE WEB DESIGNER (ANYWHERE)
I NEED SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO DO WEBDESIGN AND ALSO I NEED A FREE ONE, I CAN PAY YOU SOME MONEY LATER, CAN ANYONE HELP ME?
THANKS
PS. ITS FOR AN INTERNET RADIO STATION WEBSITE! ALSO WILL DO UPDATES AND WHAT NOT 24/7
LET ME KNOW
Hmm. I wonder if we can’t punctuate this in a way that makes more sense*:
“I need someone.”
Well, everybody needs somebody sometime, right?
“Who likes to do webdesign?”
I picture this in sort of a baby talk voice. “Who wikes to do web design? Do you wike to do web design? I bet you do! I bet you do! bbbpbpbpbpbpbpb!”
“And also I need a free one.”
Free one what? Free Bird? Free Willy? Olly Olly Oxen Free? Actually, free is a pretty good price for an Olly Olly Oxen.
“I can pay you some money. Later, can anyone help me?”
No. No one can help you or your comma splice.
Also, why do I picture this internet radio station having djs that only scream at the top of their lungs? I don’t think I’d want this guy calling me at three in the morning to say “HEY! CAN YOU HELP ME UPDATE THE WEBSITE I CAN PAY YOU IN THE MORNING.”
*Note: This may not actually make more sense.
Thanks for the link, Matt!
WimpyFinances:
I’ll gladly pay you tuesday for a webdesign today .
So… They are looking for two people, possibly three?
*One who likes web design.
*One who will give them a “free one”, whom they will pay later.
*And possibly one who will do updates 24/7 for an internet radio website.
So they need a geek who like websites, a hooker, and an insomniac. Or they can kill three birds with one stone and get an insomniac hooker cyborg.
I think they have those at Wal-Mart.
Although the hooker would have to be pimp-free. Otherwise the ‘act now, pay later’ part of this plan would go south quickly. Not to mention interfering with the 24/7 website needs.
True, not many pimps offer layaway.
But if they’re at Walmart, they’re probably imported, and have the directions written in several languages. None of which is punctuation-free all caps.
Probably in really bad engrish with a handful of simple diagrams showing usage. I would dearly love to see that.
Congradulasions on you’re purchese of you’re new “Cyborg Hooker 3000, Insomniac Special”.
Better to help you to enjoy you’re “Cyborg Hooker 3000, Insomniac Special” please to be reading manual.
“Cyborg Hooker 3000 Insomniac Special” is bilt only with the finest ingrediense possibly.
“CH3kIS” design is to be lasting years of enjoyments.
Before “CH3kIS” using please to be lubricating with lube supplied.
Never to use “CH3kIS” near childres, babby, or objects of metal
Caution also:
re-member lube supplied in-flammable
“Insomniac Hooker Cyborgs” for band name of the day!
Insomniac Cyborg Hooker scans better.
But, at the 40WatT, it would have to be
Cyborg Hooker Insomnia
The 40 Watt Club, as it is an actual place, just might book both bands … possibly both on the same bill – anything’s possible!
But, even on lay-away, you have to wait to “take” . . . oops
Dang, post late and dollar-snark short; again.
Normal Person: “Hi, I’d like to help you with your web design job.”
DJ Sparky McSparkersons: “THAT’S GREAT! SEND YOUR PORTFOLIO TO DJSPARKS@HOTMAILDOTCOM!”
Norm: “Oh, you have other people applying for this?”
DJ Sparky: “NO, ONLY YOU! BUT I HAVE TO BE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT THIS.”
Norm: “I see. Now, your ad says that I have to be available 24/7 and work for free until you can afford to pay me?”
DJ Sparky: “ISN’T THAT A TERRIFIC OFFER?!”
Norm: “Well, no, but there isn’t much available in my field. So I guess I’ll send in my stuff. Hey, what’s the name of the station?”
DJ Sparky: “RADIO K-WAD, ALL BOY BANDS, ALL THE TIME!”
Norm: *click*
This kind of crap is common to those of us looking for work in computer graphics or web design. Individuals or companies want us to work for free.
This is why I’m going to have to change careers and go into trucking. Even with a degree in graphic art I can’t make enough to afford a cheeseburger!
Oh, and all of the stuff on this site happens all the time. It’s very annoying. http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/
I have a friend who used to do web design before giving it up for engineering. One of the ones I remember from him:
Client: And we want all the important stuff in their own frames! That way it will all stay on the screen if the viewer tries to navigate away.
Friend: o.O
*sobs* It’s true….
And the customers are never froopy; but malchik droogies of the worst sort.
(Music haters, most of them, too)
Dammit D! I just spent 2 hours on Clients From Hell. Very addictive , and very funny. Thanks – I think…….
I’m guilty of that too. That site is as good as http://notalwaysright.com.
Arrrgh! Yvette’s!!11!! negative elebenty cubed
I opened Yvette’s with my trusty Kompozer HTML editing program and Kompozer committed seppuku.
Free web designer? Say hello to my little friend….Charlotte!
Boy bands + Gilbert Gottfried delivery?
*runs*
Oh, and +1 (not that we can give one to the entry, but, if we could) for the titular E. Costello reference. 🙂
Hey buddy, can you design a website for me?
Sure I do that a lot, it’s kinda like my job, you know?
One thing though, I don’t want to pay you. That’s cool right?
Well, normally I insist on being paid, but since we’re such good friends I suppose I could whip a quick simple one together and call it a sample…
Great! Oh, by the way, it’s going to be an internet radio station with live streaming audio. You can incorperate that into the sample right, I’m pretty sure it’s easy.
Well, no, streaming audio isn’t all that easy to build into a website-
Great! Thanks a bunch, buddy! If I really like it I might even pay you a little bit for it. I mean I’ll be making all kinds of money from the site after all, I could probably share a few dollars of it.
Wow, that’s… generous?
Oh, one other tiny thing: You’ll need to be available 24/7 to work on it at a moments notice, in case I need to change fonts or something. Hey, what do you think of Comic Sans? Great font right?
MA! Get my Gun!
Just set him up on Skype. I’m sure he’ll be broadcasting from his bedroom in mommy’s basement. Make sure you get the poster of Hitler behind him in the screen shot.
Or the poster of the boy bands.
I think he had to sell it because his pretend girlfriend told him to. Something about him being a “fanatic” because he framed it under glass.
How about one like this?
Worst. Site. Ever.
*screen clean*
Glad to know that Yvette’s is still open til 6pm!!!
Thanks for sharing that LSD trip without the bother of actually ingesting anything.
I was thinking “So that’s kind of the print version of schizophrenia, huh?” but acid (bad acid) may not be a bad comparison either.
I did warn everyone; c’mon, the link says “Worst. Site. Ever.”
It’s like a game!
“Pixel Hunting : find every single clickable area!”
Better than DVD Easter eggs.
*do they still embed those?*
They do, but people post directions online so it’s not as much fun to find them.
Thank god it wasn’t flashing. If it did that it would induce even non-epileptics to have a siezure. (I was close even without anything flashing at me.)
It made my eyes bleed just a little.
It made my eyes bleed a lot.
I used to work for a small business that sold gift items. The owner wanted a website, but barely knew how to check his email. Rather than ask his one non-related employee (me) who had some basic knowlege of html, he got his 14 year old nephew to design the site.
From the looks of it, the kid designed Yvette’s as well.
SJ: I think I once made the mistake of visiting that site while looking for wedding wear. Big mistake!
I think I might actually start to cry. I knew I shouldn’t have kept scrolling….
The best thing to do is to go sit* in a dark room and think pleasant thoughts for a while. (I like kittens.)
*The fetal position is optional.
That’s a joke site, right? No way that can be for a real business.
I clickity-clicked on a few links and it seems legit, if somewhat sophmoric and unintentionally humorous.
Well, I’m disease-free, whoops, TMI and the wrong section of Craigslist.
Always amazed but shouldn’t be at people who want something for nothing. I’m also a trained voice actor, but all I find is either people who will pay you nothing or $25.
Speaking of which, I’ve got this movie I’m making and I need some voice talent. I can’t afford to pay anything, but you can just pretend that it’s practice.
It’s about a girl who’s terrified all the time because she made this really evil guy mad…
I can’t pay you, but it will look great in your portfolio!
We get that all the time here in my Fine Arts department. *sigh*
Everybody wants wedding photographers for next to nothing about this time of year.
Oh boy, I’ve heard that one before…. too many times.
As if you doing something for them for free would be a favor to you.
And it’s always total strangers, people who have never have so much said “hi” to me before.
“May we use your entire art gallery in our videogame? We can’t pay you anything, but it will give you great exposure”
NO.
“I see you like to draw comics. I have this crossover fan-fiction of [series I’ve never heard of] and [another series I’ve never heard of]. Will you illustrate it as a 40 page comic? It will be a great honor for you [no intentions to pay]”
NO.
(both were actual requests)
I can’t pay you any cash, but I have some rare cereals.
Don’t forget the Shroud of Tribune!
The shroud will fit neatly into the tubs of uneaten clothing – I’ll throw them in, too!
Throw in a swingset with a large land mammal carcass hanging from one end, and you got yourself a deal!
Hartster: I get that too, from the company I work for. They apparently like my American accent, so they had me narrate some marketing videos. It has now become a regular part of my job (officially I’m a technical writer). At least I’m getting paid my regular salary to do it.
Well, with companies wanting jack-of-all-trades, I can understand. It’s still flattering to me (somewhat) that the newspaper I work for likes my photos enough that they’ll let me photograph my own stuff, and I’m a reporter (although, truth be known, we are short of photogs.)
Do you do them in English or Finnish, Jackie? I’m just curious.
In English. My American accent is not so delightful in Finnish (and yes, I’ve been told I have one. Darn if I can hear it).
Story time!
I was helping a friend’s father work on his home network. It was pretty easy, his router had become corrupted so I just reset it to factory and re-did all his settings. Only took about 30 minutes to get his network back up and working.
Friend’s Dad: Wow, you really know your computer stuff don’t you?
Me: Well, I’m hardly the best out there, but I am going to school for Engineering, a certain technical know-how goes with the territory. And plus, machines like me.
FD: Hey, do you think you could come and help me with a similar problem I’ve been having at work?
After about a half hour of discussion, I managed to piece together that he owned a small business (about 40 employees) and they were entirely reliant on paper records. They didn’t have a single “real” computer in their building. He wanted me to “just hook up like 30 PCs and network them together.”
Me: That’s really a huge job and it’ll need an ongoing IT service guy or company to manage. Are you offering to hire me in this capacity?
FD: Well of course not, I just want you to hook up a few PCs together, it’s not like it’s going to be hard or anything. You can even put it on your resumé when you’re looking to get a real job. I mean really, it’s not like you’d be doing something that people actually get paid for.
Feeling just a little insulted, I just glared at him and left. Apparently he told his son what a lousy and inconsiderate person I was for not helping him with his company. His son (my good friend, and fellow engineer) apparently proceeded to “inform” his dad on just how insulting he was being to those in the technical field.
2 weeks later I found a package waiting for me on my doorstep. No postage so it must have been hand delivered. I opened it and found a 24 pack of beer, a bottle of top shelf vodka, a best buy gift card for $20 (I was 19, so this was all a huge score), and a card:
“Sorry for being such an entitled, inconsiderate ass. I realize now that those in the technical field, like those in my field, appreciate being paid for their services especially when taking on a project that would potentially require hundreds of man hours. Hopefully these items will in some way make up for the insulting way I treated your field and professional skills.”
They totally did.
Best. mea culpa. ever.
Moral of the story:
–Here is a case of beer, because you look like an alcoholic/want to become one
–Here is a bottle of vodka, because you look like an alcoholic/want to become one
–Here is a Best Buy gift card for $20 — knock yourself out and buy yourself a power cord
–Here is a card that expresses what an inconsiderate tool I am: priceless!
Yeah, his son and I used the first part of his gift to get hammered and play drunken smash brothers (Drunken geeks are still geeks).
The second part of his gift I used to a video game. Legend of Dragoon if I remember correctly.
I should have kept the card and framed it… but I guess I’m not a sore winner.
“Oh Pat, I’ll buy an “R” for a $100″:
Drunken geeks [think of themselves as] —> Drunken Greeks.
“Odysseus, I thought you brought the horse!”
Even if he was originally inconsiderate, the fact that he not only listened to and believed his son as well as made a pretty decent attempt at amends is pretty cool. Not a lot of parents will do that.
Yeah, I was most appreciative of the appology more than the swag.
Althogh the swag really helped.
From what I heard later the argument his son made was along the lines of, “So, you’d be fine with it if I told all my friends you’d do their dry cleaning for free right? Oh, and some of them have clothing buisnesses that need all their stuff done, that’s cool right?” His father got the message.
The mother in me is screaming thusly: You were 19, and your friend’s father gifted you with huge quantities of alcohol?!
You are sooooooooooo grounded, mister…..
The 19 year old in me is saying: “Dude! Your friend’s father gifted you with huge quantities of alcohol! That rocks!” *high fives all around*
And in my country, the 19-year-old in me is saying, “Irkitan! We have been gifted with massive amounts of Molotov cocktails! Bring Stefan, the girls and your gas masks!”
“Hartster, we use Best Buy gift card to buy the gas masks!”
Wow, your beer must have a higher alcohol content. Ours doesn’t burn worth beans.
In my country, the alcohol could be used for jet fuel. Sometimes, jet fuel _was_ the alcohol.
Party at Hartster’s tonight!!
My inner (and outer) 17 year old used to drink with his father after a hard day of yard work. My dad had a theory, and it worked out rather well:
“Make drinking something that’s not really anything special by allowing it in a controlled setting. He’ll think he’s getting away with something and realize that it’s not a huge deal to drink. Then when my kid is 2000 miles away at college and under his own supervision he may make better choices about drinking.”
It worked amazingly well. In my college years I was drunk a total of 3 times. By far that is the lowest tally of anyone I went to school with (those I’m personally acquianted with of course). Why? Because “It was just drinking, I’m not sure what the big deal is.”
Truth be told, the drunkest I’ve ever been was with my father the night we discovered the Singapore Sling. Holy crap we were wasted. Those damn things are SMOOTH! You’re roaring drunk before you even realize there was alcohol in them.
I should also mention that 1 of those 3 times was the first time I had met my (now) wife’s family.
We had gone to the Milwaukee Brewery tour as a group outing. At the end of the tour you get 3, 6 ounce beers. Which is fine, at most you get a tiny buzz but nothing serious; however, my wife (girlfriend) was going to work after dinner and couln’t drink, we had a friend along who only liked one of the beers, and her mother doesn’t drink beer. Now let’s consider a boyfriend who enjoys beer and thinks it tragic that there are 8 beers on the table that are going to go to waste after already consuming 3 of his own… and today they’re giving everyone an extra beer to celebrate the aniversary of the company.
Yes folks, I consumed 15, 6 ounce beers (90 ounces) in a period of about 20 minutes. I was toasted. I vaguely remember the trip to the BBQ restaurant afterwards, and falling asleep when her parents dropped me at my appartment after the meal.
Best first impression ever.
(Actually her parents apparently didn’t realize I had about 4 sheets in the wind during dinner. I’m normally very quiet and reserved in conversation, but when drunk I get really talkative almost annoyingly so. According to my wife, her parents commented on how fun and interesting a conversationalist I was at dinner. When she told them I was drunk at the time they only replied, “My, he handles it very well for somebody raised on the West coast.” Gotta love Wisconsin.)
CJ: “Party at Hartster’s”!? Yeah, we have a tendency to bring the roof down… and the secret police (and the not-so-secret police) come running….
Four little words I loathe; Long. Island. Iced. Tea.
I have an almost laughably low tolerance to alcohol so I rarely drink more than a little bit, because I know the difference between Relaxed-and-Happy SaraJean and Unconsious SaraJean is about one and a half to two drinks. One evening when I was much younger, I was over at my sister’s and my brother-in-law (the bastard) offered to make me a couple of Long Island iced teas. I had never heard of this particular beverage, but reasoned it would be similar to an Irish coffee and consist mostly of a nonalcoholic drink with a splash of booze added for flavor. Boy, was I wrong.
I woke up under the kitchen table feeling like I had gone ten rounds with mighty Thor.
Judging by the photographs and video though, I had a pretty good time.
And the Canadian in me is going “oh you silly Americans and your drinking age of 21” 🙂
TM:
A friend described the Singapore Sling to me thusly:
You have one, and it tastes so good, and non alcoholic, that you think you’ll have another. You have the second one, and it tastes so happy that you decide you’ll have a third. You have the third one, and then you get up to go to the bathroom, and wake up on Wednesday wearing nothing but a sombrero and a lobster bib, with a duck in the room.
Much to my detriment, I didn’t believe her until I’d worn the sombrero (so to speak) for myself.
Taco, this story brought tears to my eyes. I had to go snuggle in a worm blanket to feel better.
Sorry about that, I’ll try to dig up more uplifting stories in the future. But in the meantime, here’s a worm cup of hot chocolate.
Also, I’m sorry for appologizing.
Dang, all my jerk bosses/clients got “worse” not “better”.
Have a boss, who, to this day, blames me for the problems on his computer network–the one I never once ever worked upon. Mind you he thinks all lawyers are crooked and out to get him (the libel and malpractice suits are starting to pile up).
One of my former bosses once asked me, “How did you learn so much about computers when you’re just a girl?”
So how many stitches did he wind up needing? (c:
Spider web design FTW. They’ll work for flies, ants, roaches and other creepy crawlies. Would half a dozen spiders be enough?
The OP needs some Cougar Life ads and he’ll be able to pay his web designer.
I sure do love to do some whatnot 24/7. Shenanigans are only fun in the afternoon, and tomfoolery is strictly a morning activity; but whatnot is great anytime.
Steve-O, just be sure not to engage in this and that after Labor Day. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that horse play is strictly forbidden near the pool.
But tuna fish is ok after 60 minutes
Please see: http://engrishfunny.com/2010/04/10/engrish-funnyi-promise-i-will-never-take-fragile-thinks-in-to-the-pool/
I hereby nominate DJ Sparky McSparkerson and the All Boy Band as band name of the day!
I want to nominate Horse Play is Strictly Forbidden!
Or..
Edds and Onds at the 40Watt
Ji ust clease pome seet hem!!*
*Hehe…Facebook YSaC
Afternoon Shenanigans!
I just like saying “shenanigans.”
Shenanigans.
You does them?
I will neither confirm nor deny that statment.
I call Shenanigans on taking the fifth.
Its like afternoon delight, but a lot better.
How does that compare to pecan delight?
More nuts? Less?
Is caramel involved?
Well, in my mind, nuts are a requisite part of afternoon delight. It can have carmel too if you want, but then you have to go back to work all sticky.
*ahem*
I’ll be getting my coat.
As good as pecan divinity?
What of Turkish Delight? And where do Walri* fit into this?
*Don’t click the above link if you don’t believe in shameless self-promotion for no good reason
Also, if phone numbers got published, I’d call this guy, and make his website have only a single link for its content, and that link shall be a rickroll.
WEBSITE DESIGNER SEEKS JOB
Can work now for pay later because i know my awesome site will earn you $$$$$!!!
Have done sites such as
ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!
!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER
!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!ROOFER!!!!
Highly caffeinated individual can be available 24/7 except
on Sundays when mom makes me clean my basement room
Hmmm. Nothing new in the Don’t Suck box. Should I offer a punch to any lurkers who delurk between now and my last post tonight?
Oooh, ooh, how about me?
Um, yeah, I sort of forgot to update the Don’t Suck box. Of course, Dan didn’t do it either, and he’s on vacation this week, so I blame him.
Excellent plan! And no delurkers. So, I’m off until tomorrow. 8)
Ahaha… got an ad for: Create FREE flash website. Just priceless. Or rather the cost of a free craigslist ad.
Oh, Elvis Costello FTW. I didn’t even notice the headline yesterday.
“Also, why do I picture this internet radio station having djs that only scream at the top of their lungs? I don’t think I’d want this guy calling me at three in the morning to say “HEY! CAN YOU HELP ME UPDATE THE WEBSITE I CAN PAY YOU IN THE MORNING.””
The four people I’m working with tonight have now stared at me like I’m a freak because I got a case of the giggles after reading that. I still have them. I wonder if anyone would buy a case of giggles from me…maybe I should advertise on craigslist.
GENTLY-USED GIGGLES IN THERE, OWN CASE DURABLE, CASE CAN BE USED AS A COWBOY HAT AFTER THE GIGGLES HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT.