YSaC, Vol. 699: “You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me.”
Sometimes, you want what you want, and you make very specific requests:
looking
i am looking for a nice female who will have my baby no stings attached if interested please get back to me…. her name will be rebeeca lynn with your last name
Dayna sent this one in from Kijiji, with the following commentary: “No strings, eh? (Does an umbilical cord count as a string?) Well, that sounds like a fabulous plan! I’ll get pregnant with your baby, which you have already named rebeeca lynn (no need to capitalize those names, just gives the kid a false sense of importance). But, no fear, it will have my last name, so that you can make a clean break after the pregnancy is over and your weird big-belly fetish is satisfied. Then, I will be left a single mother with a child who will be constantly harassed at school when the other kids insist on referring to her as ‘Beaky’. And, sucks to be the kid if it turns out to be a boy! PHEW! Don’t even want to think about that one!”
And sometimes, you THINK you’re making very specific requests, but …
Hot sexual female wanted now $150
18-24 dress size 0-6 toes polished and trimmed, shaved and sexual for massage right now
Oh, what a difference punctuation can make. Let’s see what we can do with this, shall we? Here’s what I’m guessing the person was looking for:
18-24; dress size 0-6; toes polished and trimmed; shaved and sexual for massage right now
But here’s another way of interpreting it:
18-24 dress size; 0-6 toes, polished and trimmed …
Or:
18-24 dress size; 0-6 toes; polished and trimmed; shaved and sexual …
Or, even better, with just a few liberties:
18-24 dress size; 0-6 toes, polished, trimmed, and shaved; …
I wonder if the fellow who wrote this ad was confused why he got so many responses that didn’t match what he thought were his very specific instructions? I totally would have emailed him extolling the virtues of my four shaved toes.
Thanks, Christy!
“no stings attached”
So much for that truck full of bees I wanted to give them for the babby shower.
“no stings attached”
Isn’t the the slogan for Tampax new Bee Style Tampons?
Yes yes that is the the slogan. *grin*
The buzz around those wasn’t very good though. They never took off.
I really miss Chrome’s auto checking function when I’m on this computer. My fingers do their best to make me look look dumb.
Oh, I’m sure they don’t work that hard…
It is a pretty easy job, I’ll give you that.
If the child is “reBEEca”, there may be stings attached.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Covered in BEES!
YES
You should meet a friend of mine, Anna.
Anna Phylaxis.
Hey! I think I met her before. She’s the one who makes those awesome hypoallergenic brownies right? You know, the ones with the powdered peanuts in them?
She’s also great with shellfish.
She fears only one man: Eppy Penn.
If he’s not near by, she can take your breath away.
Watch out though, she lavishes you with so much false praise that it will make your head swell up.
It’s been swell, but the swelling went down.
She served me some Selfish Shellfish one time…
it was a magical experience that gave me goosebumps… except that they were hives…
Selfish Shellfish by the Seashore?
p.s. Eppy Penn = Sean Penn’s younger brother
My friend Shelly should sell Selfish Shellfish, she’d be swell at it!
Shelly? Why didn’t you tell me that She Sells Selfish Shellfish by the Seashore!
It’s a small world, isn’t it?
Yes… but are they minty?
They’re so minty that they default to minty when re-booted.
Like a polar bear stuck in an igloo during a snow storm. Wait? Were we talking about Klondike Bars or York Peppermint Patties?
Yahtzee!
Wait, what?
On the up side, I’ve got the perfect truck for her when she turns 16.
Wasn’t the logical reply to the second add like two days ago…
Or did they want somebody who wasn’t so Expetacular?
You know, I have a feeling the first poster saw “Splice”, resulting in a fear of stings.
The second poster probably ought to see “Splice”: a nice shaved, sexual female with 0-6 toes.
I actually interpreted the second ad as meaning “18-24 dress size; 0-6 toes” before I even looked at drmk’s interpretation. I assumed it was some guy who liked queen-sized women and had some sort of toe-amputee fetish. I apparently have been hanging around this place way too long…
I assumed it was some guy who liked queen-sized women…
Man, those guys are real drones sometimes.
BADA-bumpski!! Yes, he’ll be here all week, folks! Don’t forget to tip your waitress! Try the veal!
HELP!! My exclamation point key is running amuck this morning!!!
Camille, my brain went to exactly that same place. I began wondering whether they preferred the toes to have been lost/damaged/amputated due to accident or illness, or if they prefered a congenital reduced number of toes …
That rules out Ms. Polly Dactilly.
I also had the same though process, and wondered if he meant 0-6 total or per foot.
Gail, you have my mind spinning now! 8)
What if I’m a size 18 with three toes on one foot and six on the other. Hubba hubba.
Then I would venture a guess that you probably have trouble walking uphill in a straight line.
Me too! I never even thought 18-24 referred to age. I just thought, “Wow, he likes ’em big…0-6 toes, WTF?
Bzzzzzzzz….I am looking for women to have my babbys – no stings attached – bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..sorry, what did you say? Oh, the bees? Yes…well, they are part of the truck you see and technically, when a bee stings well the stinger is no longer attached… *crickets chirp*
Wait, don’t go! You want to have babby? Okay, but we have to name it Rebeeca Lynn Withyourlastname Sparky, Jr. and I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. Heh..heh…remember the “Boy Named Sue” song? See, if our babby is a boy and he’s named Rebeeca, then getting the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis will turn him into a
mean sonofabitchreal man…so wadda ya say, sweetie-pie? Wanna come see my bedazzled hoof gun rack?Hey, put down that taser! I was only kidding! GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps our friend here wants the conception of sweet Rebeeca Lynn to take place in the bed of that truck of bees, and he wants this mystery woman to complete the task without being stung, therefore, she will have no stings attached.
From RONCO!! For a limited time, you can get this:
18-24 females with 0-6 toes each
Polish
Trimmer
Shaver
Massage
All for the low, low, low, low price of $150.00!!
But! If you act now we’ll include this lovely red table, some meat gerberts (selection may vary), assorted bags of chips, a green prom dress (sizes may vary), and a backyard swingset for the kids – deer carcass included.
Call the number you see on the bottom of your screen. Operators are standing by!!
0-6 toes polished and trimmed
In Wisconsin, where we grow some of the most fetishistic serial killers in the US, this has an entirely different meaning.
I thought of your remarks about Wisconsin and serial killers when we were on our annual family vacation to [location], Way Northern WI last week. As we drove into town we passed a daycare center and all I could think was, “Well hello future murderers!” Poor kids…they were out in the rain dressing deer carcasses on the playground equipment.*
*This is not true. They were practicing putting lotion into baskets.
That might even be creepier. Not as creepy as [MellophonePlayerX] in Band, though. On band trips, he brings a whole bunch of Rice Crispy Treats, and every hour on the hour, takes one out to eat and says, “Ah, time for my little blue pill.”
Then he applies lotion to his hands and face.
You should get his autograph. One day when they find all those severed heads in his freezer, it could be worth some money.
I know some good golfers, but I doubt any of them could successfully putt lotion into anything.
Didn’t they do something with toes on Dexter? Or was that fingers?
Fingers – I just watched it …
Ah! Thanks. I knew it involved painted nails, at least.
Was it your first time watching Season 1? Or were you rewatching?
First time I watched – finally – totally addicted now!
Oooh! Then you’ll be happy to know it just keeps getting better. =)
Much better!
0-6 toes polished and trimmed
Well, I guess I’m out. Seeing as I don’t have glass toes and all.
(musical interlude)
Have my little babby bumblebee!
Bring my stingless little love to me.
Count your toes, from one to six.
Polish trim and shave them quick!
Adore… since I have to teach this version to my 5 yr old.
I think toes look sexy with a “soul patch”. However, I draw the line on glitter (looks too much like “town” Clarice).
So mudsy, that means you don’t want this toe bedazzler I bought for your birthday?
Come on Camille, don’t be ridiculous. I save my rhinestones solely for dead animal feet.
Sung by Sting, of course. Back up by the Bee-52s.
Disco version by the BeeGees.
A Capella version by The Bee Sharps.
Instrumental version by The Ish Symphony Orchestra.
Jazz version by the Bee Bop Quartet.
And opening for the Bee Bop Quartet, the Yellowjackets.*
*Actual band.
Well, you know, I’m ashamed I didn’t think of this song earlier:
I’m bringing home a baby bumblebee.
Won’t my mommy be so proud of me?
I’m thinking the oddly specific “0-6 toes, polished and trimmed” could be because that’s all the room he has left in the toe jar on his mantelpiece and he doesn’t want to start on a new one just yet.
What are you, a fucking park ranger now?
Why yes, I am. Why do you ask?
Oooo…I totally want a Ranger Rick t-shirt if that li’l raccoon is your logo!
HOly crap! Ranger Rick!!!!
Dear gods! It’s been years since I last saw ranger rick!
Dear Ranger Rick:
We’re just in town looking for some pic-a-nic baskets.
Bear hugs,
Yogi and Boo Boo
I thought that was Ranger Smith.
Yogi Bear takes on a whole new light when you draw a parallel between Ranger Smither and Mr. Smith.
And Ranger Smith and Mr. Smithers.
I just scared myself a little bit.
When they’re on the road, Yogi and Boo Boo are equal opportunity ranger annoyers.
Just like how Taco’s an equal-opportunity stalker?
Yes… he’s an EOS with a massive link!
Uhm, to whom, precisely, is “Gridlock” addressing this question?
And why is the immediate celibacy of the park employee a factor?
Is this like Sparky 2’s determination that only Poles need apply to “his” ad?
Poles? As in the semi-mythical nation of Poland?
I think he’s got something against roots.
Probably a frustrated Silesian denied admission to Prussian serfdom.
I, too, was wondering who Gridlock was addressing. And why he was doing so in that manner. On the other hand, I like a good nonsequitur, so wasn’t really complaining.
Well, unless it was the guy behind Meredith’s guest-bot.
Lines in the hospitality business seem to invite churlish behavior of the most extreme sort.
I thought it might have something to do with the “The Big Lebowski” quote from the title of today’s post, but I don’t remember that being in the movie.
Who knows? Maybe Corey here is trying to even some long-forgotten score with us…or maybe it’s the CL poster being skewered today…given his/her total disconnect with anything remotely connected to what the ad says, I’m betting on that being the case.
Sure has a bee in his bonnet though, don’t he? 😉
You got it SJ:
Walter: Also, let’s not forget – let’s “not” forget, Dude – that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city – that ain’t legal either.
The Dude: What are you, a f***ing park ranger now?
Walter: No, I’m…
The Dude: Who gives a shit about the f***ing marmot!
It’s all a goddamn fake. Like Lenin said, look for the person who will benefit. And you will, uh, you know, you’ll, uh, you know what I’m trying to say–
I thought only Weebles had zero toes.
Just call me Weeble Lynn [your last name].
I think technically they have zero legs, which always struck me as an odd thing to give a child to play with.
“Here kids, have some humorously decorated double amputees! No matter how hard you hit them, they pop back upright!”
Zero legs only if you’re not using Cat Math! If you’re using cat math, you have to figure in the radius of spinach toothpaste divided by the square root of a turnip. Silly.
[Corey] Pretty sure turnip roots are not square. [/corey]
[Corey] It are CatMath [/corey]
Which reminds me of the ONLY joke I can remember…
“Where do you find a no-legged dog?”
“Right where you left him!”
Some people suck at CL, I suck at joke remembering..so I’m mighty proud to be able to use the ONE joke I can remember on y’all.
What do you call a dog with only his two front legs and metal testicles?
Sparky
I’d call him Uncomfortable.
I couldn’t call him, I’d be laughing too hard.
I knew he’d come for me one day! But I never thought I’d find him on Craigslist!
Here I am, Darling! Your size 18 beauty with 5 1/2 polished, trimmed, and shaved tootsies! :::wiggles toes::: You may begin the massaging of them anytime now!
Thought of you guys while I was gone. And you were all with me in my heart…err, in my head with constant snarky dialogue, actually. You each have a little voice in my head, too.
That’s the first sign of schizophrenia.
It’s okay as long as you don’t start arguing with yourself in public. (Yes I actually saw that while standing in line at Lowes.) Pretty scary — when I hear that little voice it usually isn’t out loud.
It’s when you start losing the arguments that you really have to worry.
The Four Stages of Insanity
1. Talks to Self
2. Argues with Self
3. Loses Arguments with Self
4. Is No Longer Speaking to Self
Good info Astro — I thought the first sign was the decision to have kids.
Or to have multiple pets. While not in the same league as children, they do offer a trip through their own special little slice of hell.
Sadly, they never grow out of the “It’s 3AM and I’m hungry! Let’s wake up Mama!” stage like kids eventually do.
That’s when it happened — I have multiple kids and multiple pets.
Yep, you’re doomed.
Artsy…I’ve multiple kids, pets, and now grandkids…my sanity took a powder in, oh, ’bout 1978, and I haven’t seen it since. Makes visiting Dad and the other dementia patients feel downright like home. I keep looking around the room and wondering why those people are locked up?? I mean, doesn’t everyone wander about talking to themselves, laughing inappropriately, muttering to inanimate objects and staring off into space?
Don’t they?
*crickets*
Alllrightythen……
As far as I know they do. That seems like very normal behavior. My son tells me that “the most interesting people he knows are crazy”. ……. That’s good, right …… hmmmmm
I’m not going back into your head, Meredith! It took me 15 years to escape and I’m not going back!
You’ll never find me either. I’ve changed my name and am now living as a CPA in New Mexico.
Pshaw… exactly how many CPAs actually live in New Mexico? Everyone knows that CPAs move to California.
“Closest Point of Approach”?
CPA is a major concern and cause of stress for ship handlers at sea.
Which only redoubles if one’s automated devices reckon the intersections to be in NM, which would be upsetting with the coast of Jutland on one’s right.
Taco, don’t fight it. You know how cozy it is in here with us. And you know how I feel about CPA’s. mmmmm…..nerds……only thing better is the guy who comes to fix our computers…swoon….
[Insert Witty Comment involving previous and relevant computer repairman-centric ad of choice]
[Insert cat-programming code that builds on the previous comment in an attempt to increase the overall level of geekyness of the thread.]
class YSaCG33kGenerator
{
public:
DllExport static YSaCG33kGenerator& GetInstance();
DllExport static void FreeInstance() { SAFE_DELETE(m_pInst); }
DllExport YSaCG33kGenerator();
DllExport virtual ~YSaCG33kGenerator();
bool canPlaceCoreyAt(CoreyTypes eCorey, int iX, int iY, bool bIgnoreStalkers); // Exposed to Python
bool canPlaceCoreyAt(CatMathTypes eCatMath, int iX, int iY); // Exposed to Python
// does all of the below “add…” functions:
DllExport void addSuckElements(); // Exposed to Python
void addCereals(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void addFemaletraits3(); // Exposed to Python
void doMeme(MemePlot* pStartMeme, BeesDirectionTypes eLastBeesDirection=NO_BEEMEMEDIRECTION, BeeDirectionTypes eOriginalBeeDirection=NO_BEEMEMEDIRECTION, int iThisNot.A.Lion.ID=-1); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void addMemes(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void addNot.A.Lionel.(); // Exposed to Python
void addUniqueMineHorsType(MimeTypes eHorseType); // Exposed to Python
void addNonUniqueRoosterType(RoosterTypes eTypewriterType); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void addCapnTransltr(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void eraseMatt(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void eraseNormalcy(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void eraseBrainsplodiebits(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void eraseZomb(); // Exposed to Python
DllExport void generateRandomMap(); // Exposed to Python
void generatePlotTypes(); // Exposed to Python
void generateLulz(); // Exposed to Python
void afterGeneration(); // Exposed to Python
void setPlotTypes(const int* paiPlotTypes); // Exposed to Python
protected:
// Utility functions for roughenHeights()
int getMemeValueAtPlot(CvPlot* pPlot);
int calculateNumBonusesToAdd(BonusTypes eBonusType);
private:
static YSaCG33kGenerator* m_pInst;
};
#endif
How’s that?
Oh, and a Gold
StarCookie if you can guess what video game Istoleoutsourced that from with only the most minor of changes.**My new Gravatar as of several minutes ago is a hint!
Given all the Python references in the code, I’d have to guess Civilization 4.
No, really you guys, stop it. I’m at work, and anyway, we all know nothing can ever come of it. You are just playing with my heart.
I used the phrase “Nerd Fetish” once, and have never lived it down.
Darn, I’ll have to be more subtle next time. You get a Gold Cookie.
Edit: And you never shall, Meredith.
I guessed it even before you added your hint… which was a fair give away in itself that I was right.
Ahh, now I really want to go back to coding Python mods for Civ 4. I had almost perfected my alien* invasion mod when I lost interest.
*I suck at making new meshes, so it was more like a barbarian invasion.**
**To make an alien take 1 barbarian skin, open in Gimp, Recolor>Green, save, add skin to barbarian mesh. Viola! [sic]
Some women like French, I like programming talk or l33t-speak. Can’t understand it any more than I can French, so you could give me the code to make a giant penis show up in Times Square, and I’d never know it wasn’t you proposing. Til that giant penis showed up in Times Square, that is.
Wait, that’d kinda be hilarious…
Hey, some of us have to live (near) there, Meredith! 8)
Are you saying Times Square wouldn’t be improved by the addition of a giant penis?
It’s New York, the only people who would notice would be the tourists.
import hugelink
import world
import penis
#import skynet
while penis.size < giant
penis = penis+elebenty
world.location = "Times Square"
world.location.newobject = hugelink(penis)
print world.location.newobject
Considering that many NYers (self included) try to avoid going there, as maneuvering thru hordes of tourists is usually necessary, you may well be right – I’m not going to notice because I am trying to get around the people who stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk to look up at it, and am too busy dodging and cursing under my breath.
Now, London practically has a giant penis building … forget electronic code, they made it permanent. And call it after a type of pickle.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/30_St_Mary_Axe
@Taco: Perhaps this will interest you:
Civ5 is using Lua instead of Python.
Crap, now I’ve got the Civilization 4 themesong stuck in my head.
Baba yetu yetu uliye
Mbinguni yetu yetu
Amina
Baba yetu yetu uliye
Jina lako milele litukuzwe!
It unfortunately gave my Catholic Mother-in-Law false hope when I told here what the lyrics were in English.
EDIT: Yeah, I heard about Civ 5 using Lau. Can’t they just pick a flippin’ language and stick with it?
Bees be upon you.
Edit:
Yes. I was upset by it. I’ve just begun to grasp python. Now I have to go learn something else if I ever want to make expetacular mods for Civ5.
Yup.
At least I never finished my “OG: Caveman rule Rock!” mod. I can start remaking it in Lau and then claim that I stopped because of the change, not because I got lazy.
I can only hope that the AI programming in Lau will be more straight forward.
Busy, busy bumblebee
Flying ‘neath my apple tree
Sexing flowers is no sin
I will call you.. Rebeeca Lynn
Ahhhh, the voice in MY head is singing that stanza in a sweet lilting soprano, till the last two words….when we get bass fortissimo!
Uhm, [shudder], ah, [shudder, shake] Given that there is a middling famous actress by the name of Rebbecca Lynn out there, could Sparky have already [third dose brain bleach] sired a Leenda Lovelace [your last name]?
Hard to say, Capn.
Maybe he’s looking for a free lifetime subscription to Playboy or Maxim? Or planning on using his progeny as a front door entrance to Hugh Hefner’s playground? Bad form I say, bad form.
Is anyone else hoping that a plus-size woman with six toes answered the ad, and then screamed at him about his sh*tty punctuation when he told her he wanted a thinner, requisite-number-of-toes woman?
*crickets*
Must be just me …
“You just can’t handle a REAL woman, Sparky!!! You can’t handle how REAL I am!”
“M’am, I was trying to get a woman through demands and sheer laziness. I do NOT understand how you misunderstood my requirments.”
“I read your ‘requirements’ baby, and you specifically ASKED for me. I am a size 22, have 4 toes, and have them all polished and trimmed. Don’t ACT like you don’t want it, Sparky”.
“Uhhhhhhhhh……..”
That…… words fail me.
Looks like someone’s going to need therapy.
Physical and mental.
Yeah, especially since Sparky 2 failed to mention whether the massage was to be given or received.
Have this bad, part-evil, thought of the trainer for the former East German Women’s Shotput team answering this ad
“Holt ztill! U vill be mazzagedt!”
Eep!
Uh-oh! This is bad! drmk’s birthday was June 11th! I am scum! I forgot to check the list, and it will be a year before I can make it up to her! Unless we remember the July 24th date, that is also a special day for our Llama-nun. Help me remember!
You should put an ad on someplace….lemme think….hmmmm…say…Craigslist and look for a personal assistant who will help you remember these things Windy.
If a Gail answers the ad for a PA to remember things windy, do you have to consider any other applicants?
Tomorrow’s also special. It will mark the 700th volume of You Suck at Craigslist.
Yup, and it falls on a day where I’ll be so busy I’m not going to be able to snark. This week has not been kind to me.
Is that the day she gave birth…to this bleeting, inbred child we call YSaC? Or is it the day something important happens in her :::snort::: “real” life?
I feel I need to make something soon. Cupcakes? A cake?
::::Gasp::: I’ve GOT IT! Ohhh, I want to tell you all soooo bad, but if I do it’ll spoil the surprise!
I’m relieved to know that no matter where the punctuation falls, I am not Sparky’s type.
Archie! We get to be co-punchees! Let’s celebrate with some coffee and tequila. 8)
Here it comes, my friends! Archie! Punchity punch punch! Lola! Punchity punch punch!
G’Night, Ish!
As for the dude who wants a babymama, no strings, except for name:
Get a dog, or other pet, and name it that. It’s less detrimental to society, and you have messed up an animal’s life, rather than a human’s. Also, it’s probably easier to place a cocker spaniel/parakeet/boa constrictor with friends after you tire of it, compared to the bother of some chick with a baby who now wants money from you (and even if she says she doesn’t, in some states the government will ensure you pay her anyway).
I’ll be over here, weeping for humanity.
Given that this guy is obviously shopping for a live-at-home sex slave, the suggestion that he get a pet instead is somehow… wrong.
And…now I have to go find a bigger brick to remove that image. Thank you for that. I shall name my next subdural hematoma after you.
I hear poodles like nail polish.
However, I have to say, I wouldn’t wish this guy on a guppy. Keep the dolphins safe [screw the tuna!] and save the whales and get this orca a blowup doll.
I may regret asking, but do they make pregnant blowup dolls?
Probably, but I don’t think that would be a very popular item.
Not that most men don’t have the hot air for it, but that seems like more blowing than a straight man would be comfortable with.
Well, that particular blow up doll comes with this pump…
Entirely off-topic… but here’s a video interview with the llama-nun and the ostrimu!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JdteMGmtSw&feature=email
Who would have guessed our fearless leader had a voice only a spawn from hell would appreciate.
IF—a big hug for posting that. It made my morning.
Just a thought, maybe rebeeca lynn is the name of the woman who will be having the baby, as in:
I need a woman to bear my child, this woman shall be called rebeeca lynn, Beaky for short [your last name here, since I haven’t met you yet and couldn’t possibly know what it is].
I think this makes an equal amount of sense as deciding you want a child on the strength of coming up with an awesome name (50/50 chance of it being a girl be damned!).