YSaC, Vol. 756: Paging Bacontini!
Cocktails (Breeders)
We have two pairs of breeder cocktails that need a good home. We also have a female cocktail that needs a good home. They are atleast about 2-3 years old.
If you have any questions please call Edith at (redacted phone number). For a small fee they will come with a cage, toys and a little bit of food. We hope to hear from you soon.
Hmm.. What’s a “breeder cocktail?”
Clearly it’s a cocktail which produces more alcohol than is used in its production. There are several types, including Gas-Cooled Fast Cocktails, Liquid Fluoride Cocktails, and Travelling Wave Cocktails. However, due to safety concerns, they’ve been more or less abandoned for the time being, although this may change as the price of uranium and/or pickled pearl onions rises.
Thanks for the link, Anna!
After a long night of breeding cocktails, Archie and Edith come up with a brilliant plan to get rid of the neighbor’s obnoxious kids…….
A cage, toys, and a little food? I always suspected Bacontini was a little bit kinky like that.
Kinky I can deal with, Bacontini breeding…well that’s another story.
Bacontini breeding = bacon bits?
I think bacon bits is what Bacontini uses to breed with.
*Waves goodbye to the line*
Oh, I’d heard that was the tini part…
@MandaB: “Bacontini breeding = bacon bits?”
More like bacon blitz, amirite?
So if I don’t pay the small fee for the cage, will I get free range cocktails?
Why am I suddenly hearing “Born Free” in my head?
Hello, this is Tacomagic here to talk to you about a cause that needs your help.
This is a Singapore Sling made with Philip’s Gin, a bottom shelf liquor. Nobody wanted him so he ended up in a Humane Society Kennel with the most likely outcome of being poured down the drain.
Every day cocktails are bred in captivity on alcohol farms in horrible conditions using bottom shelf liquor. These cocktails are sold cheap to bars who don’t care about the quality of life of these drinks which are then sold to unqualified owners who often end up releasing the cocktail into the city.
*Images of Cocktails in cages, some spilled or partially consumed are shown. Some cocktails have fruit skewers that are starting to go soft with age.*
Now our Humane Societies are filled with these wayward cocktails who need your help. If you are a caring owner and have the room, run don’t walk to your nearest humane society and request to give a bottom shelf cocktail a good home. If you don’t have the room, then please give to the Cocktail Placement Society. For only 13 cents a day we’ll help place needing cocktails with drunken transients who can make sure these loving drinks get the home they deserve.
*Drinks the Singapore Sling*
BLECH! Gods damn; who makes a Singapore Sling with Philip’s Gin?! Seriously, somebody bring me some antifreeze to gargle!
*Storms off the set*
Will that count towards your community service, Taco?
These commercials always make me cry, but I suspect this one may be due to the noxious bottom shelf fumes, or Taco’s “heartfelt” rendition of “Arms of the Angles(sic).”
I don’t mean to seem obtuse, but what’s wrong with that song? I think it’s the perfect choice when showing acute cocktails; it’s complimentary to the primary message. And, I don’t think it’s right to make fun of somebody who sines for a good cause.
Since you’ve already crossed the line I thought it was a cod Japanese reference. I’m in for the Singapore Sling with any gin and my nemisis Long Island Iced Tea …as for Orgasms and Slow Screw Between The Sheets …. *one week today I go on vacation*
Don’t forget the Slow Comfortable Screw up the Wall.
I’m not much of a drinker – can I get an Uncomfortable Silence in an Elevator?
How about Uncomfortable Weekend After Your Roommate Walks in on Private Time?
Bacontini had to move out after dat one. He saw Bacontini’s uncooked bacon.
Umm… hi.
Squeeee! Birdies! Birdie birdie birdie birdies!
That is all.
Birds? What? I thought we were drinking. I’m so confused. 😉
I was going to suggest Taco send any “Unwanted Cocktails” to your house to help watch the kids, now I’m confused.
PS – Did you mean squee.eeeeee birdies.ssssss?
And here I was expecting a massive corey/matt about asshats who shouldn’t breed birds.
Sorry, that was my “animals are not here for our profit” side speaking.
1. You put two cocktail breeders in a cage.
2. You play a Barry White CD.
3. ???
4. Profit.
Step three is underpants!
I thought it would be lack of underpants.
Don’t count your cocktails before they’re drunk, Christina. We may get a corey or matt yet. The day is still young.
Christina,
I am probably the oddest bird breeder around. I give away most of my babies. In fact, I have a nice handfed love bird I am looking to place in a good home. He’s a sweetie, but annoys the African grays too much. 8)
I like to find children or people who don’t understand the bond with a bird can be as strong as that with a dog or a cat. I like to get them thinking about conservation and responsible pet ownership. My recent run-in with a horder has made me hypersensitive to keeping my birds clean, well fed, and to a decent number that my honey and I can handle.
The only profit I expect is the warm glow when a new bird owner says to me, now I understand why you have so many birds!
Oh, here’s the Corey tags, place them where appropriate. (No, that’s not what I meant!)
I’ve never had any luck with birds. I’ve owned 2 budgies, which didn’t like me and hid in their nest whenever I was around. We had a yellow cockatoo who was an evil bird who hated me and wanted me to die (Seriously, if I walked in the room while he was out, he’d fly at my face and try to scratch out my eyes and bite my nose). And, we had a red amazon parrot who hated me and wanted me to die (See notes on the cockatoo).
The only bird who’s ever liked me was a giant Macaw named Barney. But to be fair, he liked EVERYONE. He was like a house cat who pooped on your shoulder.
Sorry Windrose, I hope that didn’t sound like I was being snarky towards you. I probably shouldn’t comment before coffee. From everything you’ve mentioned, you are the patron saint of birds, which is amazing and admirable. Edith, however, can’t be arsed to Google “cockatiel” which makes me weary of the kind of care they received.
If you need me I’ll be down at the court house, changing my name to Matt. :p
Taco — it could be you (not the nice birds).
I just have this Aura of Bird Hate that drives them crazy.
*Checks his player’s handbook*
Apparently I’m a level 14 Palidin if I have that aura.
I would never dispute that birds make great pets. I just…well, I’m not entirely kidding when I say cats are my familiars. I don’t feel complete without a cat. And I’m not about to bring a bird into a house with its natural predator, I’m not cruel.
Bridgete – I had two birds and two cats at one time…unfortunately, the birds had to be kept locked in a room away from the kitties when we weren’t around. Not much fun for the birds. They were budgies and adorable and I loved them…alas, they died…got something, can’t remember what it was….and died within a week of one another. The cats were astounded that I would bury something so tasty. Since then, just cats and I too consider them familiars. Right now, I’ve got one inside, and two strays outside at home. Here, at work, I’ve got six strays. My gravvie is one of them, his name is Drum.
Oh yeah, OT/corey/whatever..
[corey] for Taco: cockatoos are usually very loving birds, but sometimes they pick one person, and protect that person from everyone else. Did the bird like Mrs. Taco? Amazons, notorious for being one person birds, and will still bite that person. Budgies are flock birds of the highest order. If they are pulled from the nest at a week old, hand fed, and socialized well, they can be loving, happy clowns. But otherwise they feel very insecure unless there is a flock of ten or more around them. In the wilds of Australia, they are hunted by snakes, lizards, and people. They are too small to really fight anything off, so they stay in huge groups and hope they get away when disaster strikes. So if you looked like a predetor, and there weren’t a dozen more birds around, they did the next best thing and hid! 8) This ends today’s nature lecture. Please turn in your notes. [/corey]
The Cockatoo was just a spaz and he was going through “that part” of his life where he really wanted to give his end away. He hated most males other than my father, who I think he viewed as come kind of dominating alpha or something. He liked my mother and sister, so really that just left me for him to view as a rival I guess. We sold him to an aviary where they put him in a breeding program. Apparently after he started getting some love he mellowed out quite a bit.
I think the parrot had the same deal with me.
CJ – Yeah, I mean, I could have birds if they were locked in a separate room, but like you said, not much fun for the birds. And Severus is used to having the run of the place, he’d get annoyed if I suddenly closed off an entire room, especially if he could hear what he’ll certainly think are tasty treats just on the other side of the door.
We got our cockatiel first, and then our cat about six months later… Pineapple (bird) mostly chills in/on his cage, but sometimes he likes to fly around the house and buzz(particularly appropriate for today’s conversation)/dive bomb Patrick (cat). Patrick watches him, but has given up on eating or playing with him… Especially with Roy (kitten) joining our family, Patrick thinks he’s a kitten again 🙂 Roy still needs to learn that Pineapple != food or toy…
Brigete, I’m with you – I’d adore having a bird or two, but not while my cat haz mad hunting skillz. He’s very good, very fast, and very interested in hunting. Even if I felt I could secure the bird from him, I think the bird could still sense its prey status and would probably expire of fear.
What I was trying to say, but forgot (one of those mornings… at least my work presentation went pretty well) is that my older cat is enough of a doofus that he’s not that much of a threat to the bird… Hence the bird buzzing and dive bombing the cat :-p
Lola, I meant to add that my Severus has the potential to be the best hunter out of all the cats I’ve had. He’s fast and interested in the idea of hunting, just like yours, although he’s never had the chance to do it. He’s also extremely patient, so he knows how to wait for the perfect moment to pounce…something I’ve noticed when playing the toes under blanket game.
Firefly would be a serial killer of all things small, feathered, and furred if she ever got outside. When I first got the kittens I had a very old dwarf hamster that Simon ignored and Fearless would only pay attention to if it was moving through the little plastic tubes, but Firefly went absolutely crazy over it. She would watch the hamster like it was a tiny furry television set, even sitting on top of the cage and watching the poor thing sleep like some sort of stalker. I think she was trying to melt a hole through the plastic with her gaze.
SJ, that’s what Severus does with the new aquarium. He watches it all day. He hasn’t gotten on top of it yet, but he sits right next to it and whenever a fish swims close enough, he tries to pounce on it.
Windrose, I’m imagining you breeding both cocktails and birds at your house now. The fun would never end!
Well you know, giving the birds all your freshly bred cocktails would certainly help them breed.
I mean, it works for people, right?
Is THAT how all of these short people got into my house?!?! And why do they keep calling me “mommy”?
Manda, just a hint: They keep calling you mommy even after they are taller than you. And what they want is usually bigger and more expensive.
breeders4breeders
Help! There’s only a little bit of food left here and the toys in this cage don’t have even a smidge of latex in them!
hope to hear from you today,
The Cocktails
I tink dey talking about Bacontini!
Though Bacontini must admit, he not do dat much breeding recently. Topper been making him sleep on da couch. Retrospectively, hitting on Topper’s sister (OctapentaTable, rawr!) while she was standing dere was not such hot idea from de Bacontini.
As always, Bacontini here for de ladies… even when he in de doghouse.
Bacontini just realize he in de title for dis post. Bacontini haven’t been so happy since he made de box. He promise himself he no cry. *Sniffle*
Aw, Bacontini. Da ladies are here for you, as always. 8)
Even Poncho Robot Moose ladies are here for Bacontini in his time of need.
Run Bacontini! It’s a trap!
I thought you always “made de box” Bacontini…
Not recently, Mudsy, remember? Topper’s been making him sleep on the couch!
Topper seems to be a bit difficult and tends to live for the drama. I’m guessing there’s some hormonal changes going on there.
Gosh, Mudsy, you’ve always got to see multiple sides of the situation! :-p
Tempermental…hormonal…Mudsy, are you saying Topper is *gasp* knocked up???
I dunno but there could be a new addition of poker chips coming soon.
Anybody know the gestation period of a bacontoppertini?
“Bacotini”?? Now I know it’s Taco.
Curse’s!
*Fleas the seen with his stollen bootey*
You think? I thought that for a bit today when Bacontini didn’t show up at all yesterday and our favorite little cumin cutie wasn’t here either.
Your engineer-typing isn’t helping your case, Tacotini! 😉
That. Is. Awesome!
I think it’s frightening, myself… It looks like it has grease or fat or something in it. Also, the restaurant/bar/whatever that has that is in Salt Lake City, so I’m not sure what that says…
One of the steps to making a bacontini is to: “Rub bacon grease on the rim of the martini glass.”
Also to, “Skim the excess bacon grease off the surface of the drink.”
I can’t see the Tacotini being nearly as revolting as that.
*Eyes tear up*
Taco tink Bacontini revolting? What Bacontini ever do to you?!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Been reading Sybil again, Tacotini?
Cocktails. Isn’t that some kind of pron? Not that I would know, but I hear Penthouse used to publish some of these as letters.
It’s a TRAP!
Trap?
Consider the implications of either confirming or denying the information provided by Windy.
Don’t go there!!! There is no way out.
Curses! Foiled again! *twirls invisible Snidley Whiplash-like mustache*
It would be awesome to see a bird with a Snidely Whiplash mustache 🙂
From the Penthouse letters? Taco, I think you’re mistaken…
It’s a fap!
(Hey look, there was another line way out here…)
De cocktails are made up anyway. PlayGin just buys de steamy mixed drink recipes from freelance bartenders and publishes dem as if dey real stories. Bacontini can tell dat stuff like dat doesn’t normally go into de cocktail because… er…
Bacontini tink he be sleeping on de couch again tonight.
Not only that, it looks like Topper took your avvie away, too.
I keep picturing the Ratpack on Sesame street having a drink with Big Bird at Bert and Ernie’s strip club.
*Sammy puts a 10 spot in Maria’s G-string*
Now I can only picture Snuffleupagus doing a pole dance in a G-string. Things considered cannot be unconsidered… but they can be erased!
*Goes to fetch the brain bleach and a funnel*
I just checked squickipedia. That is the most disturbing Sesame Street image ever, Taco!
No, that would be the Cookie Monster sitting on Oscar’s can yelling…
(Nevermind, I can’t go there)
*Installs brain bleach stent
Here’s one that’s worse – Bert and Ernie in bondage gear.
With the rubber duckie.
Enjoy!
I’ll be over here, performing a frontal lobotomy on myself with this rusty icepick.
Elmo is the one in the crotchless dominatrix outfit whipping B&E.
I’m after you with the icepick there SJ.
If you people don’t stop it I’m going to go blind!
:retrieves tin foil hat, adjusts for conditions, sits in corner and awaits apocalypse:
Manda, Squickipedia is my vote for portmanteau du jour.
[Corey]Squickipedia is the wiki section of squickism.com[/Corey]
On a completely unrelated note, I think “squick” is an excellent candidate for portmantification…. I need to figure out a situation in which I can say “squickdorable.”
Would a baby octopus be considered squickdorable?
http://babyanimalz.com/community/sites/default/files/images/baby-octopus.jpg
Yes, SaraJean… a baby octopus is squickdorable 🙂
Squickipedia is real? Awww man… I have a feeling I do not want to go to the site.
I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s all been done before. 🙂
Did that babby octopus only have six testicles?
*Blink* Testicles?
I count seven
testiclestentacles, but there could be one hidden by it’s oversized head.Strip club? I thought the two of them retired to open an upscale gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen.
They named it “Tickle Me Elmo’s” didn’t they?
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Then I shall consider this day a success!
OMG you guys. It’s a good thing I don’t have any children, I think I’d have to tell them they can’t watch Sesame Street anymore.
I had a sudden urge to watch Meet the Feebles, but after the lobotomy it went away.
EXTREME CAUTIONARY WARNING If you are blessed enough to have never seen Meet the Feebles, don’t. You will never again be able to look at puppets/Muppets in the same way. Peter Jackson has alot to be ashamed of.
sarajean80 — I like that movie — in that oh-my-god-this-is-so-over-the-top-awful-it’s-actually-kind-of-fantastic way! Dan and I completely disagree on it though; he says if he knew what part of his brain contained the memory of watching that movie, he would do the lobotomy himself.
I’d have to agree with Dan on that, I’d get the rusty icepick out if I only knew where those images were hiding themselves in my grey matter.
Is that bar called The Gordon Ramses Lounge?
I’m here for the birds. No, I don’t want to pay for the cage. Just stick’em in this pillowcase.
What?
Everyone knows you use a plastic bag filled with water to transport birds.
Jeeze, Bianchi.
Ignore the man behind the curtain.
You and Bacontini seem to be having similar avatar troubles, TM.
I wonder why.
Computer Gremlins.
Computer Gremlins is the name of my Devo cover band.
Taco is Bacontini? NOooo! My fragile world view is falling apart.
Lots of the alter egos have been spoiled here. Recovery takes a while and a lot of cocktails.
*tests alter ego avatar*
Edit: K, mine are still working.
*Cough*
You left your link in CW.
TacoTini is the name of my Herb Alpert/Rat Pack Tribute band.
BridCatwoman, you are one of the easiest to guess. (cough) Facebook (cough) Leaving your link in just verified my guess.Blast!
Kelli’s right though, it wouldn’t have been THAT hard to guess.
[hypnotic cat powers]
Bridgete is not Catwoman.
Taco is not Bacontini.
All other spoiled alter egos are no longer spoiled.
[/hypnotic cat powers]
*Immediately forgets who Topper, Depressy, and Kanye really are.*
Who wants ice cream sandwiches?!
Mmmm, do you have the mint kind?
Klondike Bar, with a side of drumstick.
Alas! If Mr. Magic is Bacontini…
**squints at computer screen**
Then who’s Topper?
Harhar.
I am, of course.
That was a pretty impressive physics reference there. Kudos.
I have no use for the cocktails, but I’d love to take the birds in the cage. I want to train an army of birds to poop on any one who annoys me. This is step 1 in my plan for world domination. It’s also the only step I’ve figured out. I’m not very good with maniacal plans.
:makes mental note of step one for world domination, reconsiders her own plan which involved midgets, cream pies, and fixie bikes:
CJ is kind of right on this. I have a friend who insists that step 3, uh, 3-and-a-bit of any good world domination plot must be pi, uh, pie. And that steps 6-17, inclusive, should be beer. Maybe we can adjust it so that steps 6 and 7 are breeder cocktails and they will provide us with the materials for steps 8-17?
I like your plan. Mine involves the superpower that makes the people I curse paralysed whenever they are near moving machinery and in particular vehicles and i-pods on trains. Then of course everyone has to wear shocking pink everyday and eat pancakes on Fridays and I’d ban people going on vacation to places they couldn’t identify on a map and ….and …… *I need a cocktail NOW!*
How do you know if a cocktail is female? Check under the doily?
:throws elebenty hunnert doors at Katy:
You might wanna…..oooooohhh…that’s gonna leave a mark…
The female leaves a ring on your coffee table…(after she dumps you for Rusty Nail)
I thought that was after Sex on the Beach….
With a Black Russian
And a Screaming Orgasm.
What are Highballs and why might I want one?
Robert Wadlow had those.
Looks like he had high everything. 8’11”? WOAH!!!!
I usually dump my man ON a rusty nail.
Can I then conclude that male cocktails are the ones with swizzle sticks?
*nudges line, decides to stay on this side for now*
And two olives
OT – and may I add that I just luurrrrvvv you peeps? Thanks for taking my mind off the horrors that Alzheimer’s brings when he comes to visit….no, not me….my Dad…
Okay, go back to snarking…now…
Sorry to hear about your dad, CJ. I’m sure Bacontini is here for you.
CJ – I’ll echo LRC and I’m also happy to be here for you.
Sorry about your dad CJ, we lurvvvv you too.
TacBacontini will always be here for you, I’m sure.{{hug}}
We’re all here for you, CJ. I know what you are going through and I know how painful it is.
Y’all are the best! Thank you…really…
So what this post is really saying is that Bacontini is for the birds?
Well, Bacontini is here for everyone, including de birds!
Especially de Ladybirds.
I hear she left Lyndon for him back in the day.
UK corey / In UK ‘bird’ used to be old-fashioned slang for ‘woman’ as in “she’s my bird” popular with rock star combo members in the 60s and 70s like the Stoning Rolls and Sod Rewart / corey
…so therefore Bacontini is ALWAYS there for birds.
Well, he does make a good marinade for turkey.
Bacontini just realized dat YSaC paged him. What YSaC need? Bacontini here for da YSaC, but not know why he been paged.
Perhaps Bacontini need to perform surgery! Bacontini never tink he get to use his “DIY Elementary Surgery Made Simple” book!
Bacontini here for you YSaC, especially if you are a lady.
In some secluded rendezvous,
Two pairs of birds are pitching woo
And all YSACers go online and chat
Of the asshat
With breeder cocktails for you.
Our feathered friends are quite the thing.
They bill and coo and flap their wings.
They’ll ring a bell and fill a nest or two,
They’re sure to screw,
Breeder cocktails for you.
Just call on Edith:
She’ll assure you that they’ll breedeth.
To rehome them she’ll take a fee,
The baby birds will make you squee.
Cage, toys and food are all you needeth.
We scan each day the Craigslist ads,
And finding bad ones makes us glad.
Though Matt will scorn us, as the better man,
We love to pan
Breeder cocktails for you!
Spike Jones, yes?
Oddly, I have that on my physical CDs but not on the same album on my iTunes. I shall have to investigate that lack.
Well, Spike Jones did a parody of the song, originally done by (I think?) Duke Ellington. I like both, though.
My father still has the original Spike Jones 45. That’s how I became familiar with it.
Oh Windrose, I’m sorry. I read that first line as I’m probably the oldest bird breeder around. At first I was hoping it meant you were breeding old birds. (where IS that other pair of glasses?)
this was supposed to go under Windrose’s comment above. Obviously I didn’t find that pair of glasses. (yes, a pair. One isn’t enough to breed cocktails.)
Ruff, don’t worry about it. We are all having nesting issues. 8)
I was interested in your questions about HamCan showing his puppy. My daughter has done very well in the show ring with Borzois. Do you show that beautiful creature in your avatar?
Why Yes I do show him, his name is Bronco. He is beautiful and is a horrible bad boy in the ring. Won’t focus on anything and just KNOWS all the applause anywhere is the building is for him and he needs to bark and jump. I’m showing his little half sister now who is somewhat of a puppy devil but she had made showing fun again!!! Thank you! Does your daughter show in California? I’m in the Chicago area.
With a pair of breeder cocktails, you’ll never have a nesting problem.
Sorry, I missed the fun yesterday.
Ruff, yes, she works in San Diego county mostly. She has gone to the National Borzoi events with the owner/breeder she works with, but pretty much stays here. She loved showing, and she was fortunate that the first dog she took in the ring was a natural. Liisa would self-stack, and is so beautiful. Best of luck with your puppy, hope there’s a championship in her future!
LimeLolly, that’s no excuse! 8)
Verana, yesterday you were the Font of All Snarkiness! Congratulations. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Singapore!
I used to have cocktails, but every time they started squawking, the chiwawa and the docksund would start barking.
*hic* those birds were 80 proof!
Wonder if these poor creatures ever found a good home. Here’s to them!
*chug*
Whoa! I think I swallowed the skewer!
I think I saw them at an AA meeting…
Windrose…last night evening I was beveraging in the kitchen with Dinah, and I think I swallowed the thwarter…I know, I know… must pay attention.
Hello…test..test…is this thing on????
I’m sorry, you have reached a Snark Lounge that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Must be the weekend.
ghostie, not the first time you spent Saturday in the box. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, bartender – breeders!