YSaC, Vol. 771: Blame Canada.
Boy, this one just never gets old, does it?
Research papers
I can write essays for all most subjects and just all levels.- Email me your essay content, and you will be able to contact and review and edit, as your work progresses
My qualifications include a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications along with a degree in English writing. I’ve worked for a variety of publications across a field of mass mediums writing and editing in a professional environment.
2) I have 5 years experience proofreading and am familiar with both Canadian Press and AP styles.
3) I currently work professionally in the news editing business locally in the city, but would like some side projects to call my own.
4) If you have exam papers, books, novels, websites, short stories or any other written works you need edited, please don’t hesitate to inquire. -I work at reasonable rates. Email me and we can go from there
I have a theory. No, not the one about dinosaurs. I have a theory about THIS ad. It’s actually perfectly grammatical in Canadian, but just wasn’t translated properly. Eh?
Oh, and the dinosaur theory is pretty awesome too.
Thanks for the link, Naomi!
Yeah, but can he juggle?
Am I first? Woot!!
CJ, *tsk tsk tsk* the Ostrimu was first today.
*sigh*
It appears that when Sparky got “a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications along with a degree in English writing”, he/she forgot to squeeze a class in ethics in there as well.
Basic vocabulary and grammar would have been helpful too.
To be the devil’s advocate, the Sparkster doesn’t specify (probably for good reason) what that “degree” is, nor where it came from.
I’m thinking it’s an associate degree from an online diploma mill. They informed him that the associate degree was easier to use in the buisness world because of all the associations they have.
Then using Sparky’s logic, I have two hundred and twelve degrees.
:holds up thermometer:
See? I is smart now.
I can spin around in my office chair, and then I’ll have 360 of them there degrees!
Oooh, if I hold the thermometer and spin in my chair, I’ll have…:does Cat Math: Forty-two pumpkin elebenty degrees!
:spins in chair
Whee! Learning are fun!
I ain’t got no degree. I use Secret, powder fresh.
I’ll throw Kevin Bacontini in there and have 7 degrees!
Hi guys! Sorry, I’ve had to get meself an edjoocayshun the past couple of days, so I’ve been pretty snarkless.
I just wanted to point out that the degree might not even be all that useful in Canada, which is primarily metric.
I have the best kind of degree – a FIRST degree! It got me twenty-five years!
I usually just get the 3rd degree…
And Kenny Rogers has done pretty well, after having left the 5th Degree [g]
I’m making my own degrees. I’m using peeces of acrylic yarn, tyed together with other peeces of acrylic yarn. It’s the latest thing. I learned it at the Myley Syrus School of Dyplomaology. And now I get to be a reel doctor, just like Laura, Phil, and Ruth. Woot for me!
I’m impreesed that you speeled acrylic rite.
It was on the pakaj.
I’m forced to ask myself: “With such distinct qualifications, why has one lowered oneself to writing for lazy high school/college students via craigslist?”
Also: “Why does one Master Editor start the number checklist at 2!? What, #1 isn’t inclusive in your freelance services?”
Furthermore: “Why does he/she/shim first say he can write said essays/novels etc, then contradict himself/herself/shimself by saying he/she/shim will edit written works?”
Conclusion: Cocaine is a hell of a drug?
How do you get a degree in English if you have no basic writing or grammar skills?
Will Sparky do the field research for my paper as well? Because I’ve been thinking about doing a paper on the benefits of removing bees from church dumpsters.
I have some Hummingbird code for him to edit.
Ack!!! Terminal puppy cuteness! I know it’s a trap, but I can’t look away. Must. Resist. The. Awwwww who’s a cute widdle puppy wuppy?
Damn it, HamCan! I was trying to maintain my severe crankiness and you went and ruined it. Now I’m all smiles and complimenting cute doggies and such.
Bwahahaha!
Luckily I’m not much of a dog person so I can more easily… resist… pictures of….
DAWW! Look at the puppy!
With the one droopy little ear and the sleepy eyes and the fuzzy… AND THE FUZZY!!
Did you change your avvie, Hamcan? The puppy looks more blue than I remember from a few minutes ago…
He’s holding his breath for one more “Spongebob” cartoon before bedtime.
The puppy is very, very sad and needs extra snuggles.
This bit would look particularly funny, when/if HamCan changes his avatar.
I too am powerless to resist the cute little puppyface baby.
I apologize for this, Hamcan, but I still think my dog is cuter, what with her floppy ear and one blue eye…..
For the record, Canada and its residents are not to be held responsible in any way, shape, or form for this ad. Thank you.
I didn’t see an apolgy for Brian Adams in this comment.
Or Celine Dion.
Well that goes without saying. And don’t forget Nickelback. Geez, I can’t even type their name without almost puking.
America’s Asshat.
Pfft. Loreena McKennitt totally makes up for Nickelback.
Moira, Loreena is from Canada? But, but…I thought she spent all her days on the moors, or running barefoot through the lush green grass of the Irish countryside…or…staring out the window of a haunted English castle…sigh….
:swalks away lumped shouldered as her illusions about the Celtic goddess have taken a major hit:
Why does everyone hate Nickelback? I don’t understand. I like Nickelback (don’t hurt me please).
CJ, her folks may have emigrated not all that long ago. My husband’s family took a ship to Canada but ended up turning around and going home to Scotland after his very superstitious grandfather fell off the gangplank while disembarking.
NMN, as I understand it, it isn’t so much that everyone hates Nickelback as that they are totally unremarkable and uninspiring to many people and so folks love to make fun of them. That said, I don’t recall ever hearing their music, personally.
Or that ham/bacon confusion.
I’m not confused at all…maybe a little addled.
And Justin Bieber.
*shudder*
Canadia owes the world big time for that one.
OK, I’ll do my best to keep Beiber in Canada if you promise to keep GaGa far away from the maple leaf state.
I do apologize unreservedly on behalf of the rest of my country for Bieber. It was a total breach of security that we let that get across the border. It was never supposed to have left the lab.
But before we get too judgmental, let me just say John Candy (RIP), Dave Thomas, Catherine O’Hara, Andrea Martin, Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Harold Ramis, Michael J. Fox, Lorne Michaels, Howie Mandell, Dan Aykroyd, Paul Anka, Will Arnett, Conrad Bain, Genvieve Boujold, Brent Butt, Jim Carrey, Neve Campbell, Tommy Chong, Michael Cera, Elisha Cuthbert, The Kids in the Hall, Robert Goulet, Tom Green (though maybe we should be apologizing for him, too), Corey Haim (RIP), Monty Hall, Phil Hartman (RIP), Michael Ironside, Margot Kidder, Norm MacDonald, Mike Myers, Leslie Nielsen, Sandra Oh, Christopher Plummer, Keanu Reeves, William …. SHATner, and Donald and Kiefer Sutherland.
I think that makes us even.
It’s Conrad Bain who puts that list over the top for me. 8)
Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Lola?
An echo of the “thanks” for Keanu, Michael J. Fox, and the Sutherlands (mercy, Canada makes some fine-looking men)…and I have to add Colm Feore, even if he was born in Boston.
Mmmmm, I do love me some Sutherland men!
I do believe that Canada’s apology for Brian Adams was intended to extend to the future, so humble was the groveling.
However, there has yet to be an apology for The Biebs or Celine Dion, but as Dion is Quebecois, Canada’s government is likely too afraid to say anything. Because those people are apparently terrifying.
Also: Shatner and Tom Green are reasons for anti-pride. Sorry. 🙁
I disagree, Shatner should get his own country(filled with avacaco-skinned slave girls, of course)!
And their main export shall be industrial strength girdles.
Shatner is Canadian, Mindfield.
And he makes as much fun of himself these days as anyone does, so I’ll forgive his egotism.
Wait. On third reading, I have no idea what that list is supposed to represent. It confuses me.
I need to read it more.
Fairly certain those are all good things that came out of Canadia. Hence Shatner the Canananadian. 🙂
Though, Minefield, you need to apologize for Keanu Reeves.
[Woah]I thought Keanu was raised in the same surf-hippie commune that produced Pauly Shore. [/Woah]
Thanks, EB.
For some reason, I got it stuck in my head that those were entertainers that America needed to apologize for. On the second reading, my eyes glazed over but on the third, I started noticing other names in there that I knew to be Canadian. However, the disputed status of shame/pride on some of them still threw me.
I think I am almost awake now, 5 hours after I got out of bed…
You bite your tongue! Shatner is a god among men! Not necessarily Earth men, but men just the same.
Keanu … meh, I can take him or leave him. There are much worse entertainers (and the shows some of them are on) that both our countries should be apologizing for.
But yes, that list of mine was intended to be some of our better exports. Some are debatable, but I think we can agree that none of them are the worst offenders. by a long shot, and a few of them are, in and of themselves, a reminder that no matter who else we foist on the rest of the world, they will always remain a standing apology for all past and future transgressions.
And if that’s still not enough, Michael Ironside will obliterate you with a menacing glare.
GREAT BIG SEA. More than makes up for anything else. But I’ll add the Tragically Hip if you insist. And k.d. lang, but that would be showing off.
Besides, when it comes to Celine Dion, the US is guilty of aiding and abetting. She was tolerable before she encountered Hollywood.
Personally, I’d like to receive an apology for Stephen Harper from anyone who voted for him.
GBS! YES!!!
Ahem, as you were. It’s just that I get to see them in a few weeks, so I’m a little more excitable on that front than normal.
Moxy Fruvous. Joni Mitchell.
Rush.
Nuff said.
You forgot Shania Twain.
If we’re allowed to branch out into writers, I adore Tanya Huff, who is Canadian.
Psst. Moira! This is yesterday’s post! Come join us in the future.
But sometimes I quit commenting earlier than ya’ll and then I still have things to say.
Well of course makes sense in Canadian. Specifically, in fact, you’re meant to read this in a Quebecois accent. As such, the edited content you get back after Sparky here gets done with it is also meant to be read in a Quebecois accent. You’ll have to find some way of explaining that to your prof though, so it might help if your essay happens to be on the colonization of Canada by the French, Quebec separatism, or why they still haven’t apologized for Celine Dion.
BUGGER! you already made my point!
*learns to scroll down before posting*
Well, let’s talk aboot it Mindfield.
I once worked with a Canadian, we were rebuilding some servers and I asked him for an Aboot disk, he was not amused.*
* I was
Oh those Canadians. No sense of humor. Lucky for them they can see Sarah Palin’s backyard.
It’s the cold. It freezes their brains.
I always find it kind of amusing when people ascribe the whole “aboot” thing to Canada as a whole. It’s more commonly a Newfie thing. We just nod and smile and politely refuse when asked if we’d like some Screech* with our Newfie steaks**.
* Moonshine, or near enough.
** Fried bologna.
I love fried bolonga! We just call it fried bologna, though. Or “heart attack on a biscuit”.
Mudsy, why would we be lucky to be able to see Sarah Palin’s anything?
I’m still nerving myself up to find a clip on Youtube and see if she really talks the way Doonesbury writes her dialogue.
you betcha
I want to see Sparky’s degrees, diplomas, two forms of photo identification, birth certificate, passport, and DNA scan before I believe a word of this. If he’ll write an essay for someone, he might just lie about his qualifications.
He and/or she might not even be human! Sparky could be an amorphorous blob from beyond the stars, bent on world domination thriough an evil plan to reduce all of our brains to pudding by posting poorly written ads on CraigsList!
Or possibly turning us all into ducks.
Maybe I can quanswer that. OH NO!!
***Wanders off in search of breadcrumbs***
***And little kids to chase***
C’mere boy and or girl, c’mere Smedley!
:whistles:
Mama needs some new down pillows.
Androgynous? Meh, I’ll take it.
I can’t remember if you have specified a gender in the past. I’ve got the brain air biscuits.
I believe you, sarajean, especially since Taco introduced us to duckface. It’s already hap…AFLAK!!!
AFLAC.
Ben? Violet? Casey?
What, the “Hypno-Sparky”?
The mind shudders and craves distilled spirits in quantity.
What?? I thought everything on The Internetz was true!!
This is important, somebody on the internet is WRONG!
Who can we blame for the internet being wrong?
LL, I’m voting Al Gore–if he can claim to have invented the internet, that must mean that everything frightening and wrong is his responsibility.
Al Gore. He brought it on himself for creating something that ended up being wrong.
Dammit EB, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! ARRRGGGDDBBBLLLEEE!
*Stabs brain with a Q-Tip* TAKE THAT! Yarrrggggdddbbbleee!
Ooof! Watch it!
Hey, check it out, there’s some cheese over here… Mmmm, cheddar, the best kind to put in tacos.
:-p
Edit: This could get really awkward, really fast.
Lookie, Al Gore finally got a vote!
If Al Gore invented the internets, he is the father of modern porn.
I’m pretty sure he’s a robot too.
Hey… Al’s in enough trouble right now. Probably should cut him some slack or something.
Some new slacks might, yes, be in order.
Can we get him some personality to go along with those slacks?
I think too much change at one time might come as a huge shock to his system. Let’s let him ease in…slacks first, maybe then some argyle socks, maybe then a taste for off-track-betting, then we can work up to the larger changes.
Quite. That would be like going from Chartered Accounatcy straight to Lion! Taming! in one go (even if one had a Schedule C/2-1 Depreciation). Much, much better to go in smaller increments, like Insurance, or Banking, Yeah! That’s It! it’s Man’s life in Banking!”
Thank you Capn, for interjecting a little Monty Python into the discussion. MP makes everything better…
I saw Al do his presentation. They’ve certainly upgraded his parts recently, a la “The Positronic Man”/Bicentennial Man. He was rather a pleasure to hear and watch, quite humorous and not at all stiff.
I particularly like that Sparky wants some projects that he can call his own.
Here’s a hint Sparky: if you’re doing the work for someone else, your name isn’t going on it and you can’t call it your own.
SJ, we might need the clue by four.
:hands over clue by four:
Here you go. I upgraded it to a clue by eight.
I think I know this guy. I think he was the one who came to my class last fall and proudly bragged about how he was trying to get multiple doctors to give him Vicodin for his broken foot. The same one, I admit, that I cried when I realized I would have to miss his final class presentation because I was snowed in and couldn’t make the one hour commute for class that day…I so wanted to hear how he would cap a semester of pointless ramblings and sexist sidelines where he would explain how EVERY woman wanted to be treated as a sex object and just wasn’t allowed by society to admit it, and then would go wandering off into wondering if we all wanted to order pizza.
Yep. I know this guy.
Are you sure you haven’t been skipping class and watching House instead?
Oh, no. No. I have my House moments, but I try to keep them out of my learning experience. (Usually fail.) Though I did come to the determination that the whole class HAD to be some kind of bizarre psych experiment between this student–who despite the entertainment potential of the aforementioned traits was, unfortunately, also as dumb as a brick wall that’s been run over by a bulldozer, buried under a load of cement, and then redemolished in an earthquake, and the prof, who was a particularly interesting piece of work that I’ve never encountered the likes of in my 19 years of wandering about in higher ed of all different flavors…and who I once managed to accidentally drove into bristling, frothing silence by asking the question “why?” one too many times in one class–oopsy for not accepting “because I said so” as an answer–but at least he always had nice shoes. Did I mention that the enrollment in the class dropped from from eight to four over the semester? Strange, strange class.
Deaw Spawky,
My hands have onwy thwee huge fingews making it impossibwe to type and I have a sevewe speech impediment. I use dictation softwawe wif the encwosed wesuwts.
Couwd you pwease edit and wetuwn to me ASAP.
Sincewewy, Ewmew Fudd
WE TAKE cunning fow a sinistew ow cwooked wisdom. And cewtainwy thewe is a gweat diffewence, between a cunning man, and a wise man; not onwy in point of honesty, but in point of abiwity. Dewe be, that can pack the cawds, and yet cannot pway weww; so thewe awe some that awe good in canvasses and factions, that awe othewwise weak men, uh-hah-hah-hah. Again, it is one thing to undewstand pewsons, and anothew thing to undewstand mattews; fow many awe pewfect in men’s humows, that awe not gweatwy capabwe of the weaw pawt of business; which is the constitution of one that haf studied men, mowe than books. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Such men awe fittew fow pwactice, than fow counsew; and they awe good, but in theiw own awwey: tuwn them to new men, and they have wost theiw aim; so as the owd wuwe, to know a foow fwom a wise man, Mitte ambos nudos ad ignotos, et videbis, dof scawce howd fow them. And because these cunning men, awe wike habewdashews of smaww wawes, it is not amiss to set fowf theiw shop.
HamCan, I don’t know whether to applaud, or wince.*
The Latin near the end looks like Lorem Ipsum.
*I’ll do neither. Awwwwwww! Puppeh wuppeh wuppeh!!! Wid a widdle ear, awwwww! What? You started it, with the picture!
I think I’ll write on essay on how cute puppy pictures ruin the snark. Let me further posit that he’s a good boy! Yes he is! Yes he is! Is him ticklish? Choochy choochy coo!
I have devised the perfect non-violent bank robbery plan, you would only need two things; a sports car and a puppy*.
Step 1 – Pull into parking lot. All male employees will leave to drool over sports car.
Step 2 – Enter bank with puppy. All female employees will be drawn to it’s adorableness like moths to a flame.
Step 3 – ???
Step 4 – Profit!
*In the absence of a puppy, a small baby can be used instead.
As somebody who (apparently) has an Adorable Baby!™, I can vouch for the devastating effectiveness of Adorable Baby!™ against women between the ages of 24 and 137. It also works pretty well against preteen girls for some reason, though they do get upset when Adorable Baby!™ doesn’t know how to wave back at them.
It’s kinda nice because I’ll get to use the line, “You were such an adorable baby… what happened?” on Tron some day.
Madam, I am intrigued by your philosophy and wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
I would have never thought of this!*
*Sent from iPhone at the beach, while holding a puppy and surrounded by bikini clad women*
Taco, I have observed the same effect with MiniEB, though I would venture to expand the age range to 12-137. Or maybe the teenagers in Utah are more used to having babies around, because of younger siblings, and are therefore more suscpetible to the D’AAWWWWW! factor of baby grins. Also, baby giggles have a devastating effect on pretty much anyone in the vicinity. You get Tron in a good mood, and the entire bank can be yours. :-p
But, SJ, how would you get a super-fancy sports car? The only way I can afford something like that is to rob a bank, and the only way to rob a bank is to… dangit! Recursive plan is recursive!
EB you forget how easy it is to ibtain a spurious credit card to take to the car rental place.
A refinement of Step one would be to stop at the topless joint and rent some strippers to sit in the car.
I wish I had the patience to respond in my best Porky Pig.
But I do like it when Elmer sings Fire
I’m dwivin’ in my cah
I tuwn on the wadio
I puww you a wittew cwowsuh
You say no
You say you don’t wiiiike it
I saw you’re a wy-uh
’cause when we kiiiiiiss
It’s wike fy-wuh
Your mediocre Porky would be just fine…
That hurt to read. And yet I persevered through to the end. ::cries::
I salute you.
My brain started to bleed and I had to stop.
Once I started bleeding from the brain, it actually became less painful. Maybe because the blood was getting in my eyes, so I couldn’t actually see it any more.
“Just all levels” but not one more!
Wonder if he can work with short ‘Twitter’ blurbs.
*I want to discuss the intracacies of*
*Comparing the life cycles of fruit flies to*
*Man’s inhumanity to man while*
*Contrasting the irreparable harm of greenhouse gases*
*That is produced by cows*
Can I get a 30 page dissertation on this topic?
It’s even better when you start without context.
“She was completely naked; he couldn’t help touching”
Some things shouldn’t cross borders.
Don’t cross the streams!
I thought guys generally avoided being in situations where streams could cross.
(Apparently, because of the delayed line-crossing yesterday, I put my line-crossing hat on pretty early this morning.)
I think it’s crossing swords that men like to avoid. Straight guys seem to have an irrational fear of fencing.
If you don’t cross the stream it’s really hard to write your name in the snow.
What?
I thought she said here was to be no touching, just mental stimulation brought on by reading work created by someone else, unethically, and when she’d had enough, she’d scream out “EH!, that’s aboot enough, now!”
Dumpster Therapy.
It works.
I think it’s a testament to how much I need caffeine in the morning that I didn’t actually notice anything wrong with this ad at first. Well, other than the ethical issues, but I’m not so much into them these days. Ethics dry up my smooth slimy coating and make life all “worth living” and shit!
You’re right, Arallyn, this guy needs to learn some punctuation. 😀
And, you know, sentence structure. And making sense. At tee beginning, I thought that you would send your outline and research and whatnot and he will write it. But by the end, I thought that he was offering editing/proofreading services (which is slightly less slimy, in my opinion).
I think it’s a little from Column A and a little from Column B, which makes Sparky a double asshat. You could either send him/her a vague idea and receive an essay that you can fraudently claim as your own in return, or you can give Sparky your own work for “editing purposes” with no assurance that it will not be ripped off by some asshat who placed an ad on CraigsList.
Scene: High school history classroom.
Teacher: “Ok, you will need to write a three page paper on the effect of Lincoln’s assassination on the civil rights movement in the 1960s. It will be due in 2 weeks.”
10 days later
Student A has a second draft of his paper, but wants someone else to look over it, and pays Sparky McSlimy for his “superior” editing skills.
3 days later
Student B has been faffing about on the internet all week, and in his faffing about finds Sparky McSlimy’s ad. He sends Sparky the topic and due date.
Sparky McSlimy: “Dooooooode! I bet I can just copy A’s paper for B, because they’re the same topic. There’s no way they could have the same teacher or anything….”
The next day, in class
Teacher: “A and B, I will need to see you after class…”
Per SJ: I nominate Double Asshat for Band Name of the Day.
Sounds a little like a Starbucks drink.
“I’ll have a venti Double Asshat with an extra shot, skinny, no foam.
Now that you put it that way, some of the obnoxious hipster baristas at one of the Philadelphia S’bux branches (I’m lookin’ at YOU, Walnut Street!*) could easily be classified as Double Asshats.
*Note, I moved away from there nine years ago, this may not still apply.**
**They were definitely asshats. Maybe even assfezzes, they were trying so hard to be cooler than everyone else.
But of course the fez would be worn ironically.
And would have to be organically-grown vintage wool.
Oh, ow, yes. I had to reread that to notice the odd words stuck here and there. The ethics lapse was what I noticed first, too.
So do I get to blame Sparky here for the state of news reporting today? Please?
Okay, I know he can’t be responsible for ALL of it, but I think he’d make a decent effigy to represent all those TV reporters who can’t be bothered to tell fact from opinion and all those online journalists who can’t write a cohesive sentence.
Isn’t that what the main character did in 1984?
Or did Winston edit history?
Well, news archives. I guess current news was a different department.
But then there’s the question of whether we should burn him/her in effigy like Guy Fawkes or just hit Sparky with heavy sticks until candy* falls out.
*I have it on good authority** that Canadians are filled with candy.
**I made it up.***
***Maybe.
You just have to hit them on the sweet spot.
Absolutely not. *Surreptitiously slides bag of gummy berries out of sight* Can’t think where you got that idea. *Tries not to think of fudge in refrigerator*
Next time I go to Canada, I’m tempted to find a particularly shakeable-looking Canuck and see if I can rattle ’em until Coffee Crisps and Smarties (the weird chocolate kind that Stewie* likes) fall out.
*not his real name
I thought Terry Southern was filled with “Candy”.
It’s the spanish-speaking ones the are filled with candy. The others just have black french cigarettes and untoward alloofness inside . (at least of the ones that tiggered a reflex to take a stick to)
Even better than that kind of Smarties are, if you can get them, Minstrels.
Hey, arallyn’s back! Good to see you!
Yay, emo farm-ish animal!
Looks to be a Scot’s highland steer.
I don’t do caffeine, which might be a problem. Especially when my day starts out with simultaneously making breakfast for myself and my senior ferret (who is avatar ferret). I caught myself preparing to pour my cereal into one of the tiny bowls I use for Elise’s soup, and was very grateful that a worse screw-up hadn’t occurred.
OT/ I swear I’m having deja vue on YSaC. I’ve either said the same things or dreamed the same conversations. It’s an odd, really bizarre feeling… maybe I need to go check my prescriptions… again.
That happened to me a couple days ago! Maybe I passed it on, and it will be someone else’s turn a couple days from now…
I apologize to everyone if I’m being excessively weird this morning. I woke up in a HORRIBLE mood (people who say you can’t wake up on the “wrong side of the bed” are full of crap).
This was exacerbated by me having to stop at the store and get donuts for everybody at work. I didn’t have to buy them donuts, but I needed cash for a farewell lunch today and for some reason spending $10 on donuts for my co-workers in order to get $20 in cash is less hateful than spending $1.50 in ATM fees to get the same $20. I don’t normally carry cash, but I hate being the “guy who always makes things difficult” at the restaurant when the bill comes.
So anyway, I’m at the grocery store and I happen upon “THE BOX!”. THE BOX! is an innocent looking donut box designed by Satan to push those living in grumpy town over the edge into full blown homicidal rage. It doesn’t close correctly, if you try to hold it wrong even with it closed, it opens on one end and then catches on itself, making it not close anymore. Further, whoever was partaking of the donuts before me decided to wipe all the surfaces of the bakery down with a glazed jelly donut, and since I have a mild phobia of all things sticky (adhesives mostly) the surface glazing just helped push me over the edge. But of course I’m not allowed to kill anyone, and killing the donut box would probably get security called on me.
Better yet, on the long walk through the full parking lot to my building I didn’t take the time to put the backpack over both shoulders. The end result is that every 12 seconds the backpack slips down over one of my wrists and I have to put it back up so it can fall back down again. The neurotic mess that stalked through the door was mumbling death threats at the donut box and yelling profanities at his backpack.
In order to quell my hatred of the universe I drank coffee… lots of coffee. 8 cups of coffee. Yeah. I’m feeling much better but can’t seem to control the twitching in my eyes. I’m also typing faster than I think I actually can.
Don’t know where I was going with all this, I think I was apologizing or something. Yay Coffee!
Holy wall of text, Batman!
My eyes are twitching.
Indeed… but you deserve to have a wall of text all to yourself after a morning like that. Symps and understanding coming your way from this quadrant…
Also, I totally agree on the “buy something to avoid ATM fees” thing. Also, If I go to a store for two things and can only find one, I will not purchase anything at that store but will, instead, go to another store where I believe I can get both items.
Moira, I do the same thing! Especially in thrift/secondhand stores… I will find something I want (but not need), but I will only buy it if I find something else, too. Did that yesterday, actually…. Ended up leaving with $25 worth of Halloween costume and kitchen stuffs, instead of just the $12 dress for Halloween :-p
After reading that gargantuan (yes, I said gargantuan) wall of text, I realized only a few things stuck in my mind; among them were a glazed jelly donut, 8 cups of coffee, and oddly enough, (interpret this however you want) Satan. What does this say about me?
You fit in here, NMN.
Whether that’s positive or negative is up to you. 8)
You are Homer Simpson?
Well, Not, it’s widely accepted that Satan must have at least 8 cups of coffee and half a dozen jelly donuts in order to properly run hell.
If Satan requires 8 cups of coffee and half a dozen glazed jelly donuts in order to properly run Hell, then I’m assuming God needs a few thousand shots of Five-Hour Energy and a few dozen bagels in order to run Heaven.
Without 8 cups of coffee and a glazed jelly donut, Taco is Satan?
Satan requires the sacrifice of 8 cups of coffee and a virgin glazed jelly donut?
Eight jellied Satans and a cup of glaze make for a balanced breakfast?
That makes an odd kind of sense, SJ.
I’m especially proud of the second one.
There are non-virgin glazed jelly donuts? Ughghghg….
How does one find out that there are non-virgin donuts? Because I don’t think that would be a fun experience, finding out someone has done “something” to your donut.
I think you just discovered the origin of the phrase, ” go f*** a rolling donut”
[donut tangent] Someone brought in a box of chocolate glazed Krispy Kremes that were filled with Cheerwine-flavored “creme” the other day. Quite possibly the vilest thing I have ever eaten, and I’ve had Scorpion Alfredo.
Chocolate covered donuts = good
Cheerwine = good
Chocolate covered donuts + Cheerwine = vile nastiness beyond human endurance
[/donut tangent]
EB – Of course you can have non-virgin jelly donuts, how do you think the jelly gets in there?
I’ll go sit in the corner now.
That’s a phrase? I think you just made that up…
I take it you don’t hang around many construction sites…Capn’ can confirm that it is indeed a common way to tell someone to get lost!
I wonder how that phrase originated….although now that I think about it, I don’t really want to know.
I forgot to ask, what’s Cheerwine? It sounds like alcohol.
A bright red cherry flavored soda found in parts of the southern US made with real sugar; it is very, very sweet. Just holding a can will give you the diabetes.
Here is the Wikipedia page;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheerwine
So….basically an extraordinarily sweet, diabetes-inducing Mountain Dew made in the southern U.S.?
Pretty much.
Oh wait….that’s no different from any other Mountain Dew.
Cheerwine tastes better.
Totally a real phrase. Not just for construction sites.
Goodness gracious! No fun on the sucky morning, but I’m sure it will be interesting from here on out :-p How much caffeine is in 8 cups of coffee?
Lets see, the coffee that I drink has roughly 150mg of caffiene per cup… I’m on cup number 9… that’s equivalent to taking almost 7 No-Doze.
As of yet I’m not having trouble with heart palpitations.
*translates that into energy drinks* Holy Corolla! I don’t think I’ve ever had that much caffeine in, like, a span of three days. Once I had two Monsters in three hours, that was an interesting afternoon… And someday, I will have to tell the story of my first experience with energy drinks. It was a fun time :-p
I can’t stop my legs from jiggling and my hands are shaking a bit.
*Sips Coffee*
Probably not such a good thing.
[Caffeine corey] My oldest son at the start of his senior year of school took a bet that he could drink six Monsters at lunch with no ill effect. One of the lunch chaperones noticed all the empty cans in front of him and inquired after the fact if he had consumed all of them. My first born progeny’s reply was to belch in the lady’s face, necessitating a trip to the principle(als) office. I received the phone call from the Wardens office just as the 144 ounces of highly caffeinated and carbonated beverage took effect, with the result that I got to hear my bouncing baby boy blowing chow at ludicrous speed all over the office of that worthy school administrator. I could actually hear it splattering off the walls. My son later stated that he now knew what a fire hose felt like. He was suspended three days for malicious burping. [/They had to throw away the carpet.]
“Malicious burping”? I think you could probably argue that at that point, he had an altered mental state and should be given a pass… But man, that would be uncomfortable, to have all that carbonated caffeine in you…
I nominate “Malicious Burping” for album name of the day.
You’ll know it’s time to stop when you can’t hold a mug steady enough to drink from it. Until then, coffee on.
OK, I think I will tell my My Very First Energy Drink story. It requires a bit of background, I think….
The only soda we really had in my house growing up was Pepsi, and I didn’t like it very much (don’t like Coke too much either). I was in high school when I joined the LDS church, and since most of my friends at church said that caffeine was bad, I avoided it through high school. Then I went to college, and started dating MrEB. He drank energy drinks a lot when he was trying to program, and a few times I went out and found some Bawls for him while he was working on The Stupid Chess Program of Satan. (Incidentally, I also watched my first rated R movie with him–Donnie Darko. Freaky film…) When he went into training to be a missionary, there wasn’t any caffeine available there, so I decided to buy him a couple bottles of Bawls to send to him for Valentine’s Day.
Around 10:30 pm the night before I was going to send the package, I realized that I had two papers and three exams the next morning (typical freshman moment: “Craaaaaaaap….”) I decided to do an all-nighter, but since I was tired I would probably need a little help… So I cracked open a Bawls. Keep in mind, I had not had any caffeine in about 5 or 6 years, and never had more than a glass of Pepsi. By the time I finished drinking just the soda in the neck of the bottle I was feeling a bit jittery. I called a friend of mine on the east coast and talked his ear off (at about a million miles a minute) for a couple hours while pacing my tiny dorm room as fast as I could… When he begged off to sleep (it was probably 3am his time) I pulled out a mini tape recorder and started recording a tape-letter to MrEB (missionaries are allowed to call home twice a year–Christmas and Mother’s Day, and all other communication is through letters, packages, and now email), while continuing to pace. I recorded the entire side of the tape, and then kept talking for about 20 minutes because I didn’t realize the tape had ended. I think I settled down at about 3:30am and started writing and studying…. Took a Pamprin at about 8am (had a headache, and needed an extra caffeine boost). I’m pretty sure I finished both papers (I had the typing speed of The Flash) and passed all three tests, and even made it to all my classes before I crashed at 5pm the next day. This is still my current record for longest-time-awake–about 32 hours. [/WallOf/textStorytime]
Once in high school, the Land of Stupid Dares, I drank a six pack of Jolt Cola on a dare. (Jolt was a highly caffeinated cola and a precursor of today’s energy drinks) I was awake for roughly thirty six hours, but it all kinda blended together after the rush hit. I do vividly remember sitting in my closet, lacing and unlacing all of my shoes over and over again.
Hmm, longest deliberate stretch would be the 80 hours we practiced a “snap raid” using an entire Regimental Landing Team with no more than naps totaling 6 hours or so. Always a bad sign when it’s hard to tell the coffee from the reflux; and “riding” the pain for the alertness it would bring.
Going watch-on-watch, 4 hours on 4 off, will get a person to enough sleep deprived to be able to drink coffee and fall to sleep.
Smedley, so I take it your son lost the bet? (I hate to leave details hanging in a story)
I’ve only had one too much caffeine moment. It involved a half pound bag of dark chocolate covered espresso beans while watching the movie “Giant.”
I was up all night, shaking, wandering around my apartment complex, eating cheerios out of the box and talking to anyone who would listen or was amused enough to just watch me babble.
I got caffeinated just by reading this. Thanks, Taco!
Poor overcaffeinated Taco. I hope your co-workers enjoyed the donuts.
Remember; if you find yourself unable to blink, that is probably the point you should think about switching to decaf.
I also find it amusing that you know how many mg of caffeine each cup of your coffee has.
Must…Blink….Now…..
*Crunch*
Auuuugh! My eyelids broke! The pain!
No more Mountian Dew for you.
Here’s a not-so-massive link for your Taco..you know, just in case it ever comes up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk
Not-so-massive links are better at coming up than massive ones. Massive links coming up are supposedly the occasion for blood transfusions on porn sets.
I wasn’t sure if the line had been crossed, so I decided to make sure.
It has indeed been throughly crossed. It’s beginning to look as if someone was playing tic-tac-toe on it.
UPDATE: Yay we finished the donuts! When all my co-workers were at lunch (or so I thought) I took great delight in squashing the box while screaming “Die you f***ing box of Satan, DIE!” then cackling like an evil maniac while I stomped all over it.
Apparently my boss wasn’t at lunch. During my tirade I hear my boss’s voice from behind me (which nearly made me jump out the window) inquire, “Are we doing OK today, Taco?”
I told him about my morning and all he had to say was, “I’d noticed your coffee intake this morning. I have to admit I was kind of hoping you’d consumed enough to finally launch yourself off the deep end. It would have given me a reason to skip out on my finance meeting. Please, try to keep it down next time you need to shout profanities at a Satanic Box. I might have been on a conference call.”
Talk about feeling really silly.
Your boss is awesome.
He is indeed.
Please tell me your name isn’t really Taco.
No, I changed it for the story to protect the privacy of those involved.
I just thought of something….why is your name TacoMagic? MagicTaco sounds better to me.
You should take a peek at the archives, there was a period when he was known as SexyFingers.
It’s a long, boring story.
But I’ve been TacoMagic for about 15 years now.
And no, it isn’t a sexual reference… as much as you would all like it to be.
Hmmm. And here all along I thought it was Tacoma-gic originally. Where in the heck did I come up with that?
TM – back away from the keyboard, take a deep breath, and eat a donut. Have a cup of coffee, too. Your “Epistle From the Lunatic Fringe” needs something, I think…. Something along the [MaCoreytt] [/MaCoreytt] line.
Dinosaur theory by Anne Elk, brackets “Miss” brackets:
Sparkies are thin at the moral end then get bigger and bigger in the greed/sloth bit, then smaller again at the thinking and cogitation end.
The end.
That is my theory, which is mine.
*Molsens and back-bacon for all!*
Oooooh, that’s what Ostrimu was talking about when he was talking about a dino theory… I just watched this skit a few nights ago, too, but my TV memory meant that I needed more info to recognize it :-p
I’m going to ignore the writing of the article, and instead talk about the premise (I think that’s the right word to use). You want to be paid to write other people’s papers. That’s is your job, correct? That doesn’t seem like a very good job. Maybe if you had actually done your own papers in school, instead of paying someone else to do them, you would have gotten a good education and not have this job. (Was that too long a post? If so, tell me, and I’m sorry about that.)
Too long? Cf. Taco’s “Holy Wall of Text, Batman!” post above. You’re fine. 🙂 Good snark sometimes requires buildup.
Agh! Lola, now it’s your turn to get out of my head! Maybe everybody is just in my head, and it’s all a dream, and I need to find those railroad tracks…. :-p
Nooooooooo. We like you in THIS version of reality!
*tries to use Purell pump at her desk, and it squirts about 2 feet*
Oh, ok, this -is- reality. Ish.
:-p
So if EB is in Taco’s head and Lola is in EB’s head…
Wow, we’ve got some crowded craniums around here today.
No, I think there’s plenty of space in…
*Reminder to self, do NOT type out everything your inner voice(s) say*
EB…if there’s a Purell pump within a hundred feet of me, it will find a way to squirt all over my shirt….every.time.
SJ: Yay, YSaC nesting dolls!
Oh wait….
Nesting…
With bees!
For free!
Did you see Taco’s epic up there? 🙂
Dr. Tom Jones PHD
The old essay looks the same as I write it on paper plain,
And there to help me is and asshat with his masters.
Down the page I type and send it to Sparky, give him gold and he shits stories.
It’s bad to cheat to get good grades to send home.
Yes, the cops came to get me, arms reaching, tasering me completely.
It’s bad to cheat to get good grades to send home.
The big house still holds me cuz my parole they did deny,
and there’s Bubba getting’ his freak on.
Down the page I type and send it to Sparky, give him gold and he shits stories.
It’s bad to cheat to get good grades to send home.
Yes, the cops come to get me, arms reaching, tasering me completely.
It’s bad to cheat to get good grades to send home.
Then I awake and look around me, at four gray walls surround me
and I realize that I was only dreaming.
For there’s a guard and there’s my cell-mate Bubba
Arm in arm we’ll reenact Brokeback.
Again its bad to cheat to get good grades to send home.
Yes, the cops came to get me, arms reaching, tasering me completely.
As I cheated to get good grades to send home.
Yet another shining example of academic integrity.
:squints eyes and scratches head:
Wasn’t there something on here…not long ago…about having a monkey write your ad for $5?
See, I’m thinking if the monkey wrote the ad, ran it through the
evil minionhummingbird code translator-thingy, and verified with the catulator….um…what was I talking about?:wanders off, mumbling to self about catulators and elebenties:
I read that as “mumbling to self about catulators and ebonics.” I suppose if someone typed in ebonics, they would have a better-written CL ad if monkeys typed it up instead…
Oh hell no I did not just see some Al Sharpton-istic racial profilin’ up in here! You be callin’ me a monkey? Dayum, EB, tha’s cold!*
*Ebonics is a lot easier to speak than type.
:hands CJ a cane:
I think this is yours. You might need it later if those pesky kids show up on your lawn.
:takes cane:
Heyyyyyyyyy……I think this is Grampdaddy’s….wonder if he’ll mind if I borrow it for a while….
:visions of tripping little hellions dance through her head:
*mumbles to self, “What did I do with my cane? I had it sitting right over here next to the comments, and then I went to the restroom. And then I came back and had my muffin and coffee, and a glass of prune juice, and some All-Bran, and now I REALLY need my cane, but I don’t remember what I did with it. Maybe I can borrow one from that nice CJ-person….”*
CJ have you been taking my vicodin?
This is the last post on the page. (Also, I am feeling silly today.)
No it isn’t
Curses!
It still isn’t.
Hehe, that tickles
Now THIS is the last post, though! Mwa-a-ha!
Edit: Or at least it was, until Lola’s stalker showed up…
We invented a new game, blog leapfrog!
Damn, Canadians is broke just like us!
Better send out the Canadian repair team, a little Spackle and a McKenzie Brother-ectomy and they’ll be good as new!
You’re forgetting the duct tape.
And Red Green should oversee the job personally, for best results.
Just keep the Trailer Park Boys away and Red should do fine.
He said “broke” not busted.
Sparky Spackle?
At least we aren’t fixed.
Or nuttered. (Was that the word? I can’t find the old post…)
Sprinkled.
Ah yes, sprinkled :-p Thanks, SJ 🙂
OT
OK, grammarians, I have a question for you! Many people use “a lot” and “alot” interchangeably. My understanding is that these are two separate things, and so “a lot” is used in some cases and “alot” in others, but our lead writer just sent out a thing saying to always use “a lot.” Which is correct? (Same thing with “all right” and “alright”–he’s saying always use “all right.”)
EB, if you will take the word of a non-slimy former English tutor with a good grasp of grammar – your lead writer is.
A lot means a large amount.
Allot is a verb, meaning to give/assign something to someone.
Alot is a blunder, presumably caused by confusing the two above.
All right is correct. Alright causes grammarians to tear their hair out, but may have been used enough to be an acceptable neologism.
ETA: Merriam-Webster says alright was first used in 1887, so neologism is a relative term here.
Hmmm, I wonder where I got my ideas from… Probably the internet somewhere, then. (Someone on the internet is WRONG!) Thanks, WW!
Are you saying the internet is wrong alot? 😉
Someone on the internet is wrong? Impossible!
Alot is not a word, however allot is. A lot is where you build a house, so if you have a lot of lots to allot you would be all right financially, alright?
Lot missed his ‘A’ and traversed the space to snuggle. Luckily enough, he was not hit by a semi so alot are together again.
Must’ve been after he got over missing his wife.
Only if you can find a bank allowed to lend the money to make those sales.
Can we say a bunch? A ton? Lots?
Read this funny and you will probably never forget how to type that word again.
Sparky, meet Asshat @[url=”http://www.regretsy.com/2010/08/27/wtf-alchemy-request-47/#comments”]Etsy[/url]
I just want to say that you’re all in fine form today. Have a great weekend, and I’ll “see” you Sun.
“I have worked for a variety of publications…”
Working for a person for a few days until you get fired for plagiarism (he must be plagiarizing; no one would be willing to help people write essays and actually like using his own words) does not count. A “variety of publication” means you worked for one person, say a newspaper, then were fired, then was hired by let’s say a magazine. You were then fired from there, and hired for, I don’t know, a website. There, you have worked for a variety of publications, including but not limited to: a newspaper, a magazine company, and a website.
and, oddly enough, all those employers were spread out across the same mass medium field. I guess they have other fields for the larges and smalls, and maybe the extra larges need a more massive field.
Is not “mass medium” a size cohort for ultra-large persons?
No, a “mass meduim” is a Roman Catholic psychic.
[denominational corey] Roman Catholic, or high-church Anglican/Episcopal, as the A/Es can also refer to it as “Mass.”[/denomination corey]
I grew up having to* attend Orthodox Roman Catholic Mass, there is no greater torture for a young boy then to have to sit through 2 hours of Latin chanting. (Hence the Mass medium joke)
*Being literally dragged kicking and screaming.
I think most of his published work started like this:
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought this could happen to me…
This is the last post. 😛
Not quite, my friend.
Now THIS is the last post (it’s in caps because I don’t know how to italisize it (not sure if italisize is spelled correctly; too lazy to go to dictionary.com)).
It’s much too early to be the last post…. unless all the Left Coast YSaC’ers are taking the afternoon off. Margaritas at the beach, anyone?
How about orange juice? I don’t want to get arrested.
To italicize, stick an i in between the greater than and less than brackets – the ones above the comma and period – and then at the end of what you are italicizing, put /i in between those same brackets.
/ reads as “end” in html.
This is (for now) the last post.
What you said, Kelli.
I never said what. Well, now I have. Very clever, NMN, very clever.
Thanks for telling us.
*Oops
A doggie oops? I’m not cleaning it up.
So…at what time does drmk (or dan, or whoever does it) put the new craigslist ad on? Just wondering.
Here in PST it’s about 6 AM, which I guess is 9 AM right coast.
It tends to be between 8:30-9:15 am Eastern or so. I have no idea why. If a huge number of people (i.e., eleventy) express a preference for a different time we can change it, but it’s worked for two years so far.
Litarider, excellent bee comment! Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Moosejaw!
Windrose has spoken. THAT^ was the last post. All future posts, including mine, are rendered invalid until 9am edt tomorrow.
So then if this is tomorrow, will this be included in Windrose’s daily recap? I love those things!
It’s not tomorrow yet, Right now doesn’t really exist and by leaving these comments we are messing with the space-time continuum and the Langoliers are having a tough time painting fresh lines for us to cross tomorrow.
Yeah…Taco wasn’t the only one who had too much coffee today…
*Pokes at the space-time continuum*
Hmmm, squishy
The Langoliers? Wasn’t that a Stephen King movie?
Hey! That wasn’t the space-time continuum, that was my belly!
I was wondering why it was fuzzy and made grunting noises.
Actually, HamCan, that’s the very reaction you would get from poking Luke’s belly. He’s my dino-dog lump who spends most of his day groaning, stretching and moving from one end of his couch to the other.
So you mean Balki Bartokamus is slowly tearing strips of paper? And what’s that chomping sound?
Oh, sorry, I was chewing some no-doz 🙂
hrm….that was supposed to nest. *grumble*
I mis-typed the adress to this site today, and do you know where it took me? A listing of other websites offering bee removal and information on hornets. haha!
Good night YSACers
Awesome thing out of Canada?
These guys.
Brahmoo, brahmoo!
This is unrelated to the ad, but I must say it….I have too much time on my hands. The television is on in the background, the computer is on (obviously), I’m listening to I-tunes at the moment, and playing Darksiders on my PS3 every now and then.
As an aside, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold is really good with Darksiders.
Toooooo much [clap, clap] time on my hands…