YSaC, Vol. 840: 48 and life to go.
Searching for that Special Lady – 48
“Ladies”, In search of that special lady out there for this bad boy doing life in the penitentiary. Must be financially independent and willing to visit, correspond on a mature and trustworthy level, spend quality time with one another and build a great friendship, maybe more.
If you feel you are the one for me, with no convicted felony, then baby, drop me a line with photo and I will reply A.S.A.P. If you are lonely, than I am the one for you. I have a great personality with a big heart and smile.
I am 6’2″, eyes of blue with long dark blonde wavy hair. 215 lbs. and 48 years old. I am a cool guy and a great listener. Not bad looking either but that is for you to decide. I am willing to give you 100% of me in return for your trust and affection.
I love music, “all types”, crochet and play guitar if not visiting my mom! : )
I would love to have you in my life if you feel you are the one for me. With the holidays fast approaching, I would be the special present for you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Love & Respect,
BillyP.S. Send all correspondence to;
Billy [name] #[number]
[cell #]
[State] Penitentiary
[Address]
[Location] [Zip]Write my name and number on the back of photo for speedy reply. Do not respond to email, to get a reply back you must send to Billy at the above address.
I think we found out what happened to Billy.
Parts of this are almost a song:
If you feel you are the one for me,
with no convicted felony,
then baby, drop me a line with photo
and I will reply A.S.A.P.
That’s right, single, financially independent women — throw your hands in the air! Wave them like you just don’t care [that your new boyfriend is doing life in prison]! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Put a ring on it — but be prepared for the prison guards to inspect it when you come to visit.
Thanks, Mary!
[Dan says I should be ashamed of myself for the song reference in the title. I am.]
I like music “all types”? I think banjo is probably pretty high up on the list.
He also likes “ladies”, so I’m not sure what to make of that.
I’m guessing prison has caused him to loosen his definition of “ladies” a bit.
Bacontini just letting everyone know dat he not doing life in de prison. But he is still here for de ladies.
I never thought I would say this, but given a choice between a convicted felon and a meat-flavored cocktail, I think Bacontini is the clear choice.
Camille, I’m pretty sure that if I’m ever faced with the felon/bacon dilemma, I’d be all about the pork-infused vodka goodness as well.
Dat be Bacontini’s new slogan!
“Ladies, why chose de convicted felon when you can have de Bacontini. He here for you and not in de prison.”
Bacontini have to try dat as de pickup line.
Bacontini wins hands
updown.In a recent survey of lady convicts, nine out of twelve preferred the smooth, hickory-infused taste of Bacontini to toilet wine.
“I’d shank my cellmate for a sip!” enthuses Sandra “Spanky” Collins (Inmate #254796354)
That’s Bacontini – Ask for it by name! Demand that your local purveyor of fine meat-based cocktails stock only quality Bacontini products. Maybe make a few vague threats concerning the flammability of his business and/or home until he agrees to stock Bacontini!
A Dewar’s for you SJ.
*wipes water from screen and keyboard*
“I’d shank my cellmate for a sip!” enthuses Sandra “Spanky” Collins (Inmate #254796354)”
*snort..chuckle..*
Any day I can make someone snort-spray is a good day!
We’ve secretly replaced Otis “Madonna” Templeton’s latest batch of pruno with the delightful treyf sensation of bacontini. Let’s see what happens.
“WTF?!?!! I kill de mofo used mah commode, man! Hey – wait… whazzis? Bacon? Hmmm…. hey, this is delicious!”
There you have it. If bacontini is good enough for Inmate #4588857, maybe it won’t blind you, either.
The special ingredient is love.*
*May also contain traces of antifreeze, rat urine, or Spam.
It’s best with all 3, of course.
“Treyf sensation” is making me giggle. Thanks Tanker.
Doesn’t Billy have enough friends in prison to tuck him in?
He does, but he’s tired of them siding with his mom about his crochet skills. Why can’t mom just leave him alone??? *sob*
I’m curious as to how he manages to remain incarcerated and still visit his mom. Is there some sort of prison exchange program in place so you can visit other incarcerated relatives (and presumably exchange crochet patterns) that has failed to be publicized by the media? ‘Cause you would think someone would mention that sort of thing once and a while.
This is a new program where inmates serve half their time in prison and half their time with their mothers. There is a case building in the lower courts as to whether or not this is considered cruel and unusual punishment.
They call that “The guilt release program”
Mama! Just killed a man!
Now I’ll be your special boy
Bring you lots of special joy!
Mama teaches “Enhancing Your Life Skills – Crocheting 101” at the prison. It’s part of her work release program.
I’m thinking mama is teaching him how to crochet an escape rope.
Reporter interviewing Warden: “How’d Blonde Billy McGee manage to escape the prison’s maximum security?”
Warden: “Um, it’s
embarassingcomplicated and we’d rather not say.”Am I the only one thinking of Mama Fratelli from The Goonies?
Not at all… not at all!
Maybe he wants a “lady” who doesn’t have a 5 o’clock shadow, Christina.
The penal system at it’s finest!
*waves at line*
Penal system? I thought it was the penpal system. Huh!
Pecil
Hey Hammy, how’d your job interview go??? Did you charm the socks off of those seamen?
Oh wait…that didn’t sound….
Yeah Hammy. Inquiring minds and all.
“The penis mightier than the …… crochet hook?”
Interview postponed until tomorrow, now I can get stressed out two days in a row yay!
*Bastages*
What, the HR goons broke the “tease the applicants” props, again?
If you go in, and John Cleese is there, and he rings a bell after saying “Goooodddd Even-ing-ing-ign!”–it’s a trap!
“Episode Five: Man’s crisis of identity in the latter half of the twentieth century”
@Hammy:
Those fargin’ iceholes!
I reject the shame. Ohhhh, Sebastian Bach and the days when Aqua Net held my bangs high, like a giant, indestructable wall of hair. Acid washed jeans and Jordache purses. Those were the days.
Did you have the neon spandex to wear under the ripped-to-shreds acid washed jeans? I heard people did that. I wouldn’t know anything about that. Or Aquanet. Or purple mascara. Nope, I totally never dressed like that.*
*This may be a blatant lie.
My mean, cruel parents would not allow me to wear ripped up jeans to school. Obviously it ruined my life. 🙂
My parents stole mine because clothes with holes in them were not appropriate and I wouldn’t stop wearing them. Those were the softest, most comfortable jeans ever (and the holes were minimal). I could wear them today if I were the same size because they were all white. You know what? I’m still bitter. I’m going to be over here huffing Aqua Net to take my mind off of it.
[random celebrity corey] Back in the mid/late ’90s when Kiss was touring again, one of my friends won good tickets to a show and ended up sitting near Sebastian Bach, who they got to high five. She was nearly as excited about that as seeing Kiss. [/vicarious random celebrity corey]
I wore ripped up jeans to school and it was blue mascara (probably before Christina’s time). I found myself telling my son to go change his clothes when he wore ripped up jeans. I hate it when my moms words come out of my mouth.
Artsy, my mother used to yell at me for wearing miniskirts that hit mid-thigh. This is the same woman who wore crocheted micromini dresses in the sixties, so apparently hypocracy is a mother’s right.
[80’s Corey] I was totally rockin’ the Guess overalls and the Esprit sweaters with ginormous shoulder pads. [/80’s Corey]
[Random Celebrity Corey] I went to see Aerosmith in the Twin Cities with a friend, and we were right in front, center stage, against that fence the bouncers man. Unfortunately, it was about a million degrees Kelvin there, and everyone behind us was pushing us against the fence. I passed out wearing a red mini-dress, and the bouncers lifted me over the fence. Yes, that’s right, Steven Tyler saw my underwear. Please form an orderly line for autographs. [/Random Celebrity Corey]
[other random celeb corey] This was actually the early ’90s, but one of my friends went to a Chili Peppers concert on Halloween with a friend who was dressed as Peggy Bundy. They were near the front and Anthony Kiedis was all “Peggy Bundy, everybody!” Being teenage girls, they were thrilled. [/more vicarious celeb stuff]
Wait, so, I wasn’t supposed to let my daughter wear her ripped jeans to school? Dang! Should have take the refresher course for the teen years. No wonder she ran away instead of doing the dishes.
{random celeb story continuing} I got to see the Bee Gees live toward the end of their Super popularity. I went with my two best friends, one of whom wanted to be a drummer and loved Maurice. After the fabulous show, this friend went up to the stage and asked for one of the drum sticks he had used durning the show. An understanding stage hand obliged. We had to hold her down so she didn’t get airborn in the parking lot. 8) {end RCSC}
Thank God I was successful at something!
Yes, that’s right, Steven Tyler saw my underwear.
TBell – as a father, let me just say that I am sure your father was glad that Steven saw your underwear, as opposed to him not seeing your underwear. Fathers are funny that way….
[literal celebrity run-ins] I once almost hit Joe Montana with my car because he was too famous to look both ways before crossing the street. I also knocked Patrick Stewart into a street vendor’s cart. I’ve yet to meet a celebrity who isn’t traumatized by the event.
Well, ok, I’ve some [celeb anecdotes]
Was put on a plane as a solo minor traveling between some two family obligations. Flight Attendant decided to put me in an empty seat in 1st class. Was treated very nicely. Nice man next to me asked if i liked the accommodations. His name was Frank. I said it definitely beat Space-A on “Maybe Airplane Come” like I was used to. Poor man nearly choked on his beverage. He wanted to know if I wanted the window seat. Naw, only interesting at either end, pretty much looks all the same along the way. He allowed as how he’d had a trip like that. If only the once, but it was a cool trip to shut up big shots. So, I said, that’s sounds cool, where’d you go? The Moon.
Later, I learned the fellow on that Eastern jet was Frank Borman.
Was in a bar when they decided to pay Lyle Lovett’s bar tab; so it was his first real ‘professional’ performance.
Used to walk right past the “Front Porch” in that song, too.
Buddy of mine, said, hey let’s go downtown, Kinky is playing. It’s a good show, and a tiny venue. Idea was hatched to have Mr Friedmann sign something from the car. We cyt back through the alley and run into himself. After explaining, he followed us over to the ride, signed stuff, too. He then said, you know where my hotel is, they’ve left me behind again. We gave him a lift (if after a stop at the store for cigars and liquor).
Just life its ownself (to steal the line from Nadine)
Oh, I forgot about Kinky. I met him about two weeks after he lost the election at a Borders on Preston. I didn’t knock him over, he just signed a book so I don’t think that counts.
Reading between the lines I get:
Hi, I’m an incarcerated criminal who needs a naive sugar mama who can take care of me when I’m released in 5-10. I’ve learned a few things in prison because there’s bugger all else to do here and as my cellmate’s bitch I’ve learned some manners and how to listen instead of talk. I’ve learned to like all kinds of music because they don’t let you pick what to listen to here. Send me a pic. If I think you’re hot, or at least won’t make me retch every time I look at you, I’ll wrap my John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt in a bow and call it a present for you on my next conjugal visit.
Holla.
I ain’t no hollaback girl, Mindfield.
Okay, you and drmk need to cut that out this instant. My other post already got Phil Collins stuck in my head…
And ‘being phillip’ is yesterday <teehee>
I suppose you have a specific brand of cigarettes you need?
LL are they pink?
Mine are, but I don’t know what Billy needs.
The list of what Billy needs is too long to list.
I don’t think it’s cigarettes he needs so much as blow…
And he’s crocheting mother a new shroud.
Did anyone get the impression this is a Norman Bates kind of mother?
So glad it wasn’t just me.
I just love how Sparky sets such high standards for the “Ladies”.
This, in spite of the fact that he’s 48 and doin’ life.
You don’t get that for jaywalking now do ya?
The saddest part?
Some lonelyhearts will answer this ad.
Oooohhh…please, please, please….let it be the freakishly-smiling puppy…*
*erm..this is NOT to imply the freakishly-smiling puppy is a lonelyhearts, but instead, to state that no one could mess with Sparky more effectively than our beloved Mindfield*
Dear Billy,
Why, I must admit your cry for affection has tugged at my heartstrings. Everybody deserves to have love, my Billy. I’m sure that whatever you did to put you in hoosegow was an accident and you’re truly, deeply penitent and willing to atone in the proper manner that our failed justice system is incapable of allowing you to do. But don’t worry, my dear, sweet Billy, I can help you take care of that, and I have all of the necessary salves, balms and ointments to help with the pain and the chafing, and lung flukes only live so long. I will take such good care of you.
I am independently wealthy from my former job as a lingerie model, so you needn’t worry about your welfare. I can take care of all of your wants and needs, ad I already have a titillating assortment of gear, if you know what I mean. I am absolutely certain you would look stunning in vinyl, my Billy, and I know just how to accessorize. Oh believe me, Billy, you’ve never seen such awe-inspiring clamps.
Do you have tattoos and piercings? I go absolutely wild for those. I’ve always wanted a guy with a Prince Albert and a full sleeve tat on his member. I’ve always wanted to hang
somethingfrom that piercing. You sound like the sort of strapping, strong man’s man that could handle it, and I need a man’s man more than you could ever know.I am including my picture, wearing some of the naughtier lingerie I used to model, plus a little extra that I’m sure you’ll enjoy. If you’re having trouble finding the bonus, is the thing with the spikes. Yes, it’s there. Believe me, you’ve never known pleasure until you’ve known pain.
Hope to hear back from you lover. I’m including my number, Billy. Don’t lose it. You’re not anywhere that I can’t find you.
Oh Mistress, are you trying to tell me that you’ve got a surprise package waiting for me as well?
In a manner of speaking, sweetie…
Once again Smiley Dog, I heave a hearty pile of doors at you. If I ever end up on the other side of the bars, I know who I want to be my prison pen pal…
Smiley Dog has a hearty pile for you as well, J-Dog.
*canine butt sniff*
See…told ya.
Now, if our benevolent webmasters – bees be upon them – would simply pony-up the address, the real fun could begin.
Dang people with ethics! 8)
Good thing we don’t worry about silly things like ethics here. (Of course most of the Sparkmasters can’t spell ethics let along know what it means.)
ethicks = (either) the people who live in the next trailer down. Or a new burger from Carl’s Jr.
Ethics? We don need no steenking ethics!
Ethics is a county in the east of England.
I misread “full sleeve tat on his member” as “full sleeve tat OF his member”, as in, his whole arm tatted up to look like…*shudder*. Who’s brewing the brain bleach these days?
:ding-dong:
Door delivery for LaKitta.
Poor lakitta wandered over to ugliest Tattoos by mistake, I’m thinking . . .
I vaguely recall seeing something that would fit the bill at ugliest tattoos, but I am a’sceered to Google it. There’s no telling what “ugly penis tattoo” would dredge up.
Yeah…the accidental mental image was bad enough; I know better than to go a-googling.
BWAHAHA….. could you imagine……?
Well the cheezburgers have an entire page dedicated to the task–and yes, it proves that there are sparkies on both sides of the needle
“Ugly Penis Tattoo” for band name of the day!
full sleeve tat OF his member
BWAHAHA….. could you imagine……
Unfortunately, yes. On a related topic, back in college around 1970, we had a fellow in the next room in the dorm who went out with his buddies on a Friday night. Alcohol may have been involved at some point*. Upon waking up on Sunday, he discovered that he had a tattoo of a lion’s head on the end of his “personal property”. Full color, with a flowing mane wrapped around….
All the males in the snark lounge are excused to go quietly whimper in the corner.
*This is indisputably true.
That really puts a new spin on the concept of fis…
uh… never mind. I’m trying to be nice to the line today and not kick it too far downfield.
I wans’t lion to her honey, honest!
wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t wans’t
Yup, speelzcheckers sez tats an axual wurd.
Perhaps you mistakenly installed the misspell checker instead? It’s an honest miskate.
Honest Miss Kate answered Billy’s ad. That’s okay though, Kate is neither honest nor a miss, she’ll tuck Billy in real good.
I hear the switch from italics to regular font as the lingerie models voice getting deeper, and quite possibly scarier.
The italic switch was accidental (dang lack of editing!) but, putting it that way … it does add a certain creepiness in a Rocky Horror meets Hostel sort of way.
MF, your switch slip-up was the perfect silky segue…
How is he doing life but has no convicted felony?
Is he doing time in Russia?
No no no, I think it means SHE can’t have any convicted felonies. You know, cause he doesn’t want to date the “wrong” kind of woman. Momma wouldn’t like that.
I do love that kind of pickiness. He’s FREAKING INCARCERATED, but she can’t have a serious record?!?
… Maybe that means he doesn’t care what she did as long as she was smart enough not to get caught. He’s looking for a new heist partner as well as a life partner!
I think he just wants to make sure his “ladies” can come see him. ONE of them should be on the outside, at least!!!
I figured he probably wouldn’t be allowed lengthy corrospondance with a convict serving elsewhere (or an ex-con). Meredith’s theory sounds good too, though.
As a guess, the correctional facility may not allow conjugal (or other visits) by felons.
Or, Sparky is a “thrid time loser” felon, and the last judge put a restriction on his access while incarcerated.
As a guess, Spark wants conjugal visits, and these get scheduled at the convenience for the facility, so Spark needs to find that some one who can drive across state on a Tuesday, or every third Thursday, in the middle of the day.
Which suggests that this is not the first time Spark has tried this gambit.
I’m pretty sure that most prisons are not set up as a meet-and-greet for their residents to have booty call weekends whenever they want. I would hope that conjugal visits, should a particular facility allow them, would be reserved for married inmates only; not just because you happened to bring a casserole and some condoms.
Well, the various DoJ, DoC, DCJ operations out there have a “client base” which often defines “non traditional marriage” and has to compensate accordingly.
One aspect is for common-law marriage and for WIC/ADC “unions” too. Where all sorts of paperwork others might consider requisite are sort of glossed over.
Then, if we want to add in the inmates . . .
I guess I’m just not up on these sorts of things Cappy. Thanks for being so corey regarding this subject.
Well, Huntsville, TX is about 35 minute’s drive from here. Said city being the headquarters for the Department for Criminal Justice (aka the state prison system). It’s also home to Sam Houston State U., which has one of the most lauded baccalaureate programs in Criminal Justice.
So, that’s nearby; I’ve known folk educating and educated over there. I’m related to a large number of people in the LE ‘biz’ as well. You learn things like that.
I’m not sure why I know this(random info corey?)but someone on parole/probation is not allowed, by law to associate with convicted felons.
In Soviet Russia, life imprison you!
In Soviet Russia, needles crochet you!
And why can’t he play guitar while visiting his mom? Is guitar code word for something else?
Not that I could speculate as to what that code could possibly be in prison…
Guitar strings make very handy weapons. Perhaps he has the urge to use a G or B string to slice and dice his “mom”.
He wouldn’t use the G String. Too many bad Bubba memories there…
I don’t think that one needs to even think of slicing and dicing … garrotte, anyone? Thousands of organized crime hitmen can’t be wrong!
And today on HamCan’s poetry corner.
I think that I shall never see
A prisoner as lonely as Sparky.
A prisoner whose ugly mouth is prest
Against the visiting booths sticky glass;
A prisoner that looks at walls all day,
And lifts his tattooed arms to pray;
A prisoner that may on Sunday wear
A wig and ribbons in his hair;
Upon whose bottom Bubba has lain;
Who intimately lives with the pain.
Prisons are made for fools like Sparky,
But only [FEMALETRAITS3] can make him free.
Doors. That’s made me cry.
I think Joyce Kilmer even shed a tear on that one.
*so heartfelt*
Good thing I missed breakfast this morning … the Bubba reference would have made me lose it … but you get a door anyway.
So wish Sparky had sent a photo with the ad. Not that I need reminding of how lucky I am to not be looking for the special present any more. But I know so many single women! (notice I didn’t say they were friends of mine)
Instead of Skid Row, I’d wager he’s one section over from Death Row.
( au contraire mon frere, the title was perfecto!)
If you feel you are the one for me,
with no convicted felony,
then baby, drop me a line with photo
and I will reply A.S.A.P….
…from the penitentiary!!!!
Hammy and Mindfield watch out you have competition.
Note: I just added the last stanza/line. The first 4 lines were pure oleo from our dearest llama-nun.
Billy, I’ve got your number!
I know you’re serving time!
“Lady” with no rap sheet here!
Prisoner 861329!
(prisoner 861329)!
Billy Billy, how did they nab you?
You play guitar, but why won’t Momma let you?
You shivved that skinhead in your shower stall
When he said “Get up against the wall!”
I got it! I got it! I got it!
I got your 5 minute phone call!
I got it! I got it! I got it!
You tried to get , you tried to get over the wall?
Somewhere, Tommy Tutone is sad and afraid, and doesn’t know why, Meredith. 8)
Last I heard, Mr. Toutone is teaching high school math, so sad and afraid are probably common emotions for him.
That was positively … criminal, Meredith.
On the plus side this new earworm has managed to dislodge “The Princess Who Saved Herself” from my head. Now I kinda miss it.
Prisoner# 8 – 6 -7 – 5 – 3 – oh – 9 …..
Actually, the poster loves it when people accidentally type things incorrectly. Ironically, he spelled “all typoes” wrong.
@Taco: You should give him a kall.
Oh, Bianchi, that wus a loe bloe. A rully loe bloe, ther.
Think I culd B the gurrrl 4 Billee?
Bianci is soe meen.
What was he trying to spell?
“all tippy-toes”..?
well…duh…
He’s a very picky vampire looking for his perfect “type Os”.
I was all excited, till I saw it was a convicted “felon”, not a convicted “feline”.
I was hoping he meant convicted “melon”. I got a hankering for some squash.
Cat burglar?
6’2″, Eyes of blue.
Unfortunate almost-“Firefly” juxtaposition, there.
6’2″, eyes of blue,
Billy, there’s just one gal for you,
Won’t any lady meet my mom?
FOLK SONG VERSION
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
To Craigslist to seek a wife,
‘Cause I’m in the joint for life.
I can crochet
And like to visit Mother.
OR OLD STANDARD VERSION
Six foot two, eyes of blue,
Rich girls, you can form a queue.
Will any of you be my girl?
Wavy hair, got a pair,
Looking for a hot affair,
Will any of you be my girl?
Now if you want to be specially
Adored and admired,
I’ll be your gift, you won’t be stiffed:
A pulse is all that I require,
Soooo, can you coo, can you bill,
Can you name me in your will?
Will any of you be my girl?
More doors than you can handle, oh goddess, for the old standard version especially.
Ah, thank you!! I had much fun with the Old Standard.
As the bishop said to the actress.
Throwing troobadores your way!
Oh, beloved Llamanun,* how did Billy not get a “possibly awesome” tag? All those special qualities AND unable to get away? I’m half tempted to answer this ad in person on the next visiting day. If only it wasn’t for that pesky felony conviction. Curse you, John Walsh, and your televised composite drawings!
Bees be upon you
Ladies
By: Kenny Robbers
Ladies, I’m a bad boy that’s in jail and I love you
You have made me what I am you stinking whores
My love, there’s so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me squeeze your neck in my hands forever more
You must have a job and make me trust you
I’m so lost in your love
When not visiting my mom
Won’t you unwrap my schlong?
Ladies, for so many years I’ve been locked away from you
You can’t come into my cell so I crochet
Forever let me wake to see your naked photo every morning
Let me hear you talk dirty in my cell phone
In my eyes I see no one else but you (except Bubba)
There’s no other love like hand love
And yes, oh yes, I’ll always want you buried near me
I’ve waited for you for so long
Ladies, your love’s the only love I need (except Bubba)
And beside my cardboard Bea is where I want you to be
‘Cause, my love, there’s somethin’ I want you to know
I’m in the pokey doin’ life, you’re my Ladies!
Man…kind of gets me right ….here (motions weakly to amygdala).
I gets me right here (puts his hand on his chest) in the lung.
I hope you’re not getting ActionBatch’s cough from the other day.
I’m feeling a powerful warmth here (puts hand on belly) in my colon.
Damn chili cheese fries.
Maybe I should answer Billy’s ad. I’m single and have no convictions. Oh wait, I have standards.
standards.. is that like a short ladder?
There I fixed it.
😀
Well, Billy obviously reads Yeats:
“The best lack all conviction
While the worst all full of passionate intensity.”
It’s ok kelli, standards wasn’t a deal-breaker for good ‘ol Billy, just a felony conviction. You can DO it!!
I bet I know what Billy is in for. They must call him the Gangster of Love.
Oh “ladies”, I’m in here for my life. Thank you, long arm of the law.
Lawman has put an end to my running, now the state pen is my home.
Oh mama, I can hear you crying you’re so scared and all alone
Shut up, though, ‘cuz I’m writing to Craigslist and I don’t have very long
The jig is up the news is out I’m trying to find you
The sugar babe who has it made, send letter with photo
I will never go astray
‘Cuz I can’t. I’m here to stay. “Ladies”, I’m your man.
Oh “Ladies”, I have learned to crochet and play guitar, but not for Mom
You’ll get 100% of me if you’ll trust me (what alleged “bomb”?)
Dear “Ladies”, I can hear you crying ‘cuz here come the holidays
I’ll be your present, write me only if you’re mature and trustworthy.
I’m 6 foot two with eyes of blue, I’m trying to find you
I’m 48, I listen great, I probably won’t bind you
Billy’s Mama hates guitar,
Billy’s never goin’ far… “Ladies”, I’m your man.
Oh “ladies”, I’m in here for my life. Thank you, long arm of the law.
Lawman has put an end to my running, now the state pen is my home.
The jig is up the news is out I’m trying to find you
The sugar babe who has it made, send letter with photo
I will never go astray
‘Cuz I can’t. I’m here to stay. “Ladies”, I’m your man. Billy’s your man!
I believe we need to start putting together “Love Behind Bars: The Musical”!
Sounds more like a porno. Or both.
Possible titles:
Guy and Guys?
The inside story?
The sound of Maniac?
Sing-Sing a song?
South Pathetic?
Fiddler with the proof?
Oklahomo?
Sh!tty Sh!tty Bang Bang?
Oh, Hamcan, my cosmic Soulmate, your wit fills me with love!
I am 2’6″, wavy eyes, and blue with long blonde hair hanging down my back (just my back). 215 lbs. and 48 years old (at some point in my life). You can decide if I am not bad looking. I think most people already have.
I play the gamelan and jew’s harp and am willing to give you 100% of me in return for your trust and affection. I like making crafty bazaar gifts out of old milk cartons and toilet paper tubes. My mother has been dead for 5 years; she and your Mom will probably get along fine.
I could be your special holiday present. Imagine me under your tree in 2010! Go ahead, untie the bow.
I love you,
Innanna
You were just on the edge of channeling candorman on this one Hammy.
😉
I’ve always suspeted that C-man’s inspiration stemmed from time in prison or his mom’s basement.
Or the time he was imprisoned in Mom’s basement.
*blushes*
She wubs me!!*
*And the perfect height for my Miller lite
What?
Hammy, you are becoming obsessed with Miller Lite. I think we are going to have to take that aquarium out of the Orbiting Cave of Technological Wonders.
What happened to PAM?
The talent here at YSaC Green Room is amazing today.
I like “Sing-Sing a Song” and “The Inside Story”, although “Love Behind Bars” is pretty good too, for Musical. I can help with the scenery.
I’m waiting for Fiddler On the ROOFER! ROOFER! ROOFER! ROOFER! to come out*.
*In memory of Joseph Stein
You kiddin’ Artsy? The talent at YSaC is always top notch.
The rest of us alternate between spraying keyboards/monitors and marveling…sometimes both.
Here, have a door for your scenery….it’s got bars on it. See?
Thanks CJ — I was especially impressed today (maybe it’s the rain here).
I can do lights.
Miller lite?
I’m surprised that none of the able commentators here admitted a glaring positive feature for poor Billy. His ad is literate, contains no spelling errors, and is easily understood. There’s no doubt that Billyboy has had more education that the stereotypical CL poster. He has most likely won the “Best Scholar” award more than any other inmate, and intends to keep his title. (It would have been the “Outstanding” scholar award, except in 1977, they had to release Anthony “Sharkman” Jones when he sued the Department of Corrections claiming that since the DOC said he was “out standing” they had to let him go….)
I’m not Able… my name is Julie.
That just makes it weirder. See Mindfield’s interpretation above.
A smart crook is usually more dangerous that a stupid one.
And looking at it again, the grammar isn’t great. There’s certainly what to red-pen here.
Also, the switch to 3rd person in the last line makes me think he has someone on the outside posting this for him, and probably helping with the wording and spelling as well.
Unless he traded a little “something” to someone that could be coherent in print.
I’m here a bit late today, but that was actually the first thing I noticed about the post.
Well, it’s not like he doesn’t have plenty of time to polish his luring techniques…
“Hey Bubba, how do you spell mom?”
Aw! I am (probably not-so-) honorably in the box with Sarajean, and Manda gets top honors (good, because I loved that one). Windrose, what’s an honorably-mentioned punch like?
Whoa – look at that! Cool. That makes up for an evening of sheer insanity here at Casa de B. When did that happen?
If I have to share a box with anyone, I’m thrilled it is Lola and SJ.
Wow. That sounded far less inappropriate before I typed it.
Threesome in the Golden Lotus!
…Er.
Did you hear that sonic boom? That was The Line …
Film at 11
Well done, Lola! Line obliterated!
In your wildest puppy dreams, Hammy! Now sit. Good boy! Stay…stay…hey! Sit up and stop licking yourself!
Manda, it’s a secret. But if the Golden Lotus hasn’t updated by noon MPT (my personal time) then I feel free to do it. Thursdays seem to be my day, too. 8)
Lola, you can’t really tell the honorably mentioned punches from the regular unless there is a tie at the end of the quarter. 8)
Took me a minute to understand this. I was imagining you hitting Lola and SJ with a coin tied onto the end of a string.
Ow! Ow! Tanker, I thought I was done hurting when I laughed! Funny, great visual.
Dang, I’ve been gone so long that my stuff werent [sic] filled in for me to comment. Shucks.
Missed you all, I threw many doors as I read. Am now wiping nose & tears.
I have to say, in Billy’s defense, that if he looks like Val Kilmer in Felon he is all mine. That was a man that loved his family and well, hubba hubba. I know, pity me, but I haven’t seen a version of Val that didn’t make me want to take a “personal moment.”
(Was that right to put the period inside the end-quote there? It felt wrong.)
Hope I remember to come back soon!
Any girl whose name starts with KY is welcome here!
What Hammy means to say is, welcome back, don’t rub the puppy’s belly unless you’ve had a lot of Miller Light.
KYouell! So good to see you. 8)
It’s asking for a login when I try and click the link to the previous Billy. Boohoo.
Click the first link under related posts, Vol 415.
I just tried clicking the link too and it told me I don’t have permission to edit.
Bwahahahaha! The power to edit is strong in this one! 8)
Okay, I’m off to Lullaby Land, so MandaB! Here’s a trunk full of Punchity Punch Punch!
Lola, SJ, stand really close together and you won’t feel a thing. Punchity Honorable Punch Punch!
G’Night, Big House!
I love that he specifically wants a lady who’s never been convicted of a felony.