YSaC, Vol. 903: I Just Want to Buy Your Everything.
2011 January 14
every thing must ho 200 for all
Call. ### ### ####
That’s it. That’s the entire ad.
Not only does this person own every single thing in the universe, and is willing to pimp it out, but the total cost of this ontological orgy with the entirety of physical reality is only 200!
Sounds like a great deal, except that he didn’t actually specify the units for the 200. I suspect it may be Triganic Pus.
Thanks for the link, Madeline!
Every thing must ho? And 200 for all?
*rummages through purse*
Let’s see…I think, in Dallas, the ho concentration is highest on a street named Harry Hines. No, really, that’s entirely true and the real name of the street…I know, we really lack imagination when it comes to naming places/things.
Anywho…here’s a map of Dallas to get you started so at least you’ll know the most lucrative spot to station the hos that must every thing.
The tricky part is the 200…200 what? Bottles of beer on the wall? Firm obos? Boxes of vintage cereal? Random discarded chips? Bedazzled deer hooves? And is there an exchange? Say, 200 tins of Skoal equals 200 firm obos or 250 boxes of cereal equals 200 bottles of beer?
There are just sooooooooooo many questions….
No joke, when I first moved to Dallas I saw the exit for Harry Hines and thought, what a great name for a creepy old timey prostitute. I had no idea how right I was until I got lost there one evening.
Oh my gosh, I had completely forgotten about Harry Hines. And I had to go that way a LOT during college…”way” being the street, not the occupation of “ho”.
With the upcoming Super Bowl, this Sparky may be in for a financial windfall.
I remember that “the problem” was the streetwalkers on Cedar Springs; but that the most ‘establishments’ were along HH. But, that was the 80’s; entire geologic ages ago. <sigh>
Capn – Cedar Springs may still have its share, but today they usually play for the home team and are male. Even Harry Hines is cleaner than it was, as is Hwy 360 near the new stadium…boy that stretch of highway used to be lined with by-the-hour establishments. It’s good to see them go away, even if it was done by a shaky premise of imminent domain by the state.
Trifling small change!
I’m so happy someone got that.
Anyone have change for a Ningy?
Will you take Flanian Pobble Beads?
Longtime, no see! Yeah, it’s early.
I giggled.
If every thing must ho, 200 for all, you may end up paying in another form of pus.
But I don’t want to ho. I may want a ho ho.
I wouldn’t mind a ding dong. Maybe even a cupcake, if I was feeling adventurous.
A certain writer friend of mine occasionally refers to me as cupcake. I refrain from physical violence, somehow.
You are a better woman than I.
(TMI warning)
I’ve had a … um … certain body part referred to as “Twinkie.”
*fades back into his corner*
I am so grossed out Mindfield. That statement paired with your picture is really really upsetting.
I am also grossed out, but oddly intigued. Was it becuase of the cream filling?
I think it’s because it’s spongy, unnatural, and capable of withstanding a nuclear attack
That’s one snack food I don’t want to stuff into my mouth.
I prefer the term “crumpet.” (Or, if you are Taco, “cumpets.”)
You’re both right! Well, except it’s completely natural — you might even say organic — and only spongy some of the time.
But the rest is absolutely true.
Shouldn’t the name be “Taffy” then? It starts off soft and chewy but hardens if you leave it out in the open.
What?
See, I’m the kind of girl who adores stupid, old timey, possibly sexist nicknames. Don’t f*k around with my real name (no MaryDeath*, No MereMere) but I will giggle like a teenage beauty pagent contestent if someone calls me “Doll” “Cupcake”, heck I’ll even respond to “Dame”. I expect an attitude of respect, though, and it better have a slight tongue in cheek tone to it.
And Mindfield, male anatomy was the only thing that came to mind when they ran the “Where’s the cream filling???” commercials in the 90’s….ick.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13T0VhugGdA
And it can be a little salty, and it tends to snap if you pull on it too hard.
meredith: Funny, when I was a kid, I used to think the same thing about Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” campain, and used to respond, “I gotcher beef right here!”
I was not a well child.
See, I don’t mind some nicknames – there are some nice regional ones over here, so where I grew up it used to be common to call everyone ‘chuck’, in another part of the midlands it’s ‘ducks’ (or ‘my ducks’) and in the south west it’s ‘my lover’ – honestly, that’s how shop assistants will address you. No problem. But let one builder or machine driver presume and call me ‘love’ and I’m fuming. Had a meeting not long ago where one unreconstructed 70s throwback kept referring to me and my colleague (40 years of professional experience between us) as ‘these fair ladies’. He was lucky not to get the water jug round the side of his head.
I can only see you doing a crotch chop as you say that, Mindfield.
Spongiform, yellowish, creamy–your spleen is called “twinky”?
Am I too late to bring up the corpus spongiosum?
Edit: Heh heh, “bring up”
Everything must ho? I want the mine hors,
Doesn’t say 200 what. I think I can swipe 200 points from my child’s HEB Buddy Buck winnings (it’s a Texas thang http://www.hebuddy.com/cranegame-prizes.html)
Go ho go ho, the pervers life for me
HO ALL THE THINGS!
I adore this alot.
Yes, where do we susbscibe to the newsletter?
Do what now to the newsl- oh, right. It’s Taco’s newsletter.
Not sure about our own, but it’s clear that Taco and I are both subscribed to this particular young lady’s newsletter.
I keep reading “everything must ho” to the tune of “Anything Goes.”
Ooh, good choice. Maybe I should have parodied that instead.
I need to do laundry, but 200 is a bit steep for All.
You, there! Why have you stopped hoing? Come on, I haven’t got all day. Get over to the corner and turn some tricks, or you’ll feel my pain. And you, lamp post! I haven’t seen you smile at anyone today. You’re on my list.
I don’t care that it was a good price, this is much too much work.
(With apologies for ruining Snow White for everyone…)
We trick trick trick trick trick trick trick on the street the whole day through
To trick trick trick trick trick trick trick is what we like to do
We don’t turn tricks
To get rich quick
If you trick trick trick
With a beaver or a prick
With a mime (With a mime!)
With a mime (What a crime!)
And sometimes two at a time
We trick trick trick trick trick trick trick from early morn to night
We trick trick trick trick trick trick trick with anyone in sight
We set up short “dates”
By the score
A hundred dollars
Sometimes more
In alleys, beds, or on the floor
We trick trick tricka trick trick
Buy, hos!
Buy, hos!
Now everything must go!
(whistling)
Buy hos
Buy hos, buy hos
Buy, hos!
Buy, hos!
Now everything must go!
(whistling)
Buy hos
Buy hos, buy hos
Adores! I never thought Snow White could be all that innocent, living alone with seven men.
And don’t forget the Smurfs… W/ only on gal, its a wonder they’re all blue.
Fairy Tales are really interesting when you look at them. They don’t seem like they should be children’s stories. Rapunzel has some lesbian connotations with the evil witch and then the prince climbs up her hair into her tower where he is alone with her, falls in love, and then comes back repeatedly. Are they playing Parcheesi up there? And the jealous lesbian witch pushes him out of a window. There is a version of Rapunzel where after she escapes the tower and kills the witch, she has twins when she is wondering in the wilderness searching for the now blind prince. Those twins aren’t mentioned in most of the versions told today. Sex is all over fairy tales. Wow, did I just corey or did I just ramble? I don’t know. Banana phone.
The moral of Jack and the Beanstalk:
If you behave foolishly and wastefully, commit theft, and then murder the person you stole from, everything will work out perfectly fine for you.
Yeah… fairy tales are messed up.
Then there’s Hansel and Gretel. Seriously, what kind of disturbing moral is that supposed to impart? Even if you’re staving to death, don’t munch on a strange old lady’s candy house mysteriously appearing in the middle of the woods or she’ll bake you alive and eat you? Maybe, no matter how well you mark your path to find your way home again, there’s always the chance it’ll be a pointless exercise because you might be murdered by a cannibal? I’ve heard various theories like “don’t be a glutton” (they were starving, for Og’s sake), never leave home (was this even a thing?), don’t stray from the path (Okay, I could maybe buy this one — if it didn’t involve torture and cannibalism).
The people that made these things up were secretly twisted individuals.
My wife having studied German quite extensively, she talks about the creepiness of the Grimm fairy tales. Also, Cinderella’s slipper only fit her foot because in those days small feet were considered attractive, so some women cut off their toes.
The original fairy tales were not kid friendly. The “prince” from Snow White is already married. While Snow is in the coffin, presumed dead, he gets her pregnant with twins that his wife later eats.
You have to remember that these stories were often the only real entertainment around. Criticizing them for having no “moral” is like criticizing “Buffy” or “Dexter” for the same.
EDIT I also “like” quotation marks today.
Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two fifty, they didn’t go up for water.
In Sleeping Beauty, I think the Prince rapes her in her sleep and leaves, and she only wakes up when she has the kid. Or something like that.
Sadly, that was used in many folk tales. It’s a way to make the female both experienced and innocent. It’s easy to argue that they uphold the impossible Madonna/Whore ideal.
That’s Madonna as in the mother of Jesus, not Madonna the mother of Lourdes.
Wow, the title “Sleeping Beauty” really takes on a creepy, stalkery new undertone when disseminating the original R-Rated version of the story, doesn’t it?
So in this disturbingly gritty reboot, Snow White is pimping out the dwarves?
Everyone’s into midgets.
Everyone.
Except me.
Rule 34. Although midget pr0n isn’t particularly strange, especially in light of the horrors the Internet has unleashed.
Plus, what happens when the mining jobs die out? Dwarves gotta make a living somehow.
And urban dictionary says the following, too:
Rule 39: If it exists, there is furry p0rn of it. No exceptions.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go immerse myself in brain bleach.
Wait, so … if someone’s kink is non-standard furry porn, does … does that make it a Rule 34?
Oh jeez. I think I have to douche my brain now.
(GO AHEAD INTERNET, MAKE A RULE 34 OF THAT! Wait, wait, no, don’t. Please don’t. Now I have to start all over.)
Julius finished sawing the top off of Gwen’s skull. With a thrill of excitement, tinged with lust, he lifted it clear to expose her tender, luscious brain. He caressed every wrinkle of the cortex with his eyes, imagining the structures below. The pons, the locus coeruleus, the Obex, the Frenulum Veli, the Corpus Collosum, and others. Such sensual anatomy just waiting beyond and below the undulating cortex.
“Are you just going to look all day, or are we going to get on with this?” The irritation in Gwen’s voice was clear, “I get paid by the hour, and if you’re gonna want a peep show it’s gonna cost ya an extra twenty.”
“Fear not my impassioned lady in red. I intend to get what I paid for and nothing more. Surely you would not begrudge me a quick peek at my purchase.”
Julius’ hands quivered slightly as he reached for the douche, still warm from its nearly overflowing contents…
Today I am grateful for a strong stomach. I was eating lunch (it’s only 1:37pm here) as I read Taco’s brain douche eroticyuck. I am also grateful that I did not have pasta.
=-/_|!’.-/–
Behold the shattered remnants of all the lines that post just blew right through. Can I be simultaneously horrified and impressed?
Yes.
Note to self: Taco is not avers to macabre challenges. Do not taunt the dynamite monkey.
Yes I apologize to everyone, everywhere for that post. It isn’t healthy for children and other living things.
Speaking of the YSaC Book Club, ahem, it’s been so long since the first time I read Nothing Sacred that it’s like a new book to me. I’m surprised it has stayed so topical. Also the dedication gives a few clues as to why I enjoy the author:
“For Janna Silverstein for first listening to the Dream.
For the besieged people of Tibet, at home and abroad.
And for my brother Monte, without whose invaluable technical assistance this book would have been eaten.”
I have failed valiantly to read one word of that book. I will try harder.
Let’s have a sleep-over and read it out loud to each other!
Windy, do you really want to wake up to that face???? *
*Sorry, Lara
I’d laugh my head off every time I woke up to that face, so at least I’d wake up in a good mood.
“Oh Darling, you had me at….’derp'”.
I can imagine that image the Cheezburger site “Derp” with the caption, “Hurr, I’m a lurrmurrr.”
This sounds like some zen explanation of life.
Like everything must be born and die so everything must ho. Equality is simple, 200 for all and there will be no class, economic, or intellectual divide. Just 200. Think about it.
Ow.
I think Lara Llamaderp is right. All life is sort of ho-ing. Want food, clothing, and shelter? Ho yourself out to an employer. Want love and companionship? Ho yourself out to a relationship. While I recognize this is sort of nihilistic, it’s also kinda true. Even snark costs. Want YSaC? Gotta ho yourself out to a device and an ISP…
Even Mr. Winkey can use a library, and he certainly ain’t paying taxes.
Yeah, but we’re all paying taxes to support the library, so Mr. Winkey can come
stalkcreep people outhang out here. :-pI think Astro means that Mr. Winkey is not hoing for YSaC. He gets it for free. If you were to look at all of us in a line-up, Mr. Winkey would be the last person to be selected as not a ho.
I’m like a dirty, smelly Santa Claus that nobody wants.
Ho for all and all for ho!
Yeah, it’s Friday, I haven’t had caffeine, and I’m typing like Taco over here. I think my snark has been frozen by this weather. I’ll find it when the snow melts.*
*Approximately July, judging by current rates of melting, which is to say none.
If it makes you feel any better, we’ve gotten a decent dumping early this week and persistently cold weather the last week and change, with colder weather on the way and another snow storm about to hit over the weekend, and nary a tauntaun to slice open for warmth.
MF, I’d rather not hear about your decent dumping…
EB get outta my head! (said with all possible love and respect.)
EB seems to be in everybody’s head this week…
What?
I guess news of my mediocre micturation is out of the question, huh?
Yes. Yes, it is.
I believe “Mediocre Micturation” is playing a junior high dance tonight. (Not the 40 Watt, as they aren’t nearly old nor talented or even practiced enough.) It’s a bunch of boys who think fart jokes are uproarious and are overly pleased that they can use a word that means “peeing” and get away with it in school.
There’s no snow here and hasn’t been any in years.
Everything must HO!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9e8nPkT3rg
I posted something about nicknames all the way up there where there was talk about such things… and it vanished. Now I feel dumb. But heigh ho (that sort of ho costs more than 200, of course). It’s Friday.
It was flagged as spam for some reason. I’ve approved it now. That will be 200 hos.
200 hos, firm obo?
You’d need a firm obo if you had 200 hos.
*I’ll go to my corner.
Makes me want to get out my ukulele and sing Tiny bubbles
The words “Tiny bubbles” have inexplicably caused Rubby Ducky (as in the song sung by Ernie… or Bert… or whichever one had the rubber ducky song) to become stuck in my head.
WTF, HamCan? How’d you make them two words do that!?
OH MY GOSH. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I don’t know how it did it to me, either….
Ernie’s version . It’s jailbait safe.
The usual way, with lots of grunting and sweating…
What?
Ummmmm, Astro, Rubby Ducky is NOT the song by Ernie. Rubby Ducky is NOT what you are thinking of. Rubby Ducky is…..ummmm……well…..:::blushing:::…..something my friend got as a gift at her bachelorette party. It’s….a…”personal massager” disguised as a tub toy.
Squick.
Which is how EB got it stuck in her head…
Wait… What?
If it’s stuck in her head, she’s using it wrong.
*I like my corner on the day we talk about hos. What a coincedence.
And I’m almost positive I spelled co-inky-dink wrong.
Let me help you rid yourself of that pesky “almost”…
Coincidence? It’s one of the words that drive me crazy because it looks wrong to me when it’s right.
Rubby Ducky, you’re the one
You make shirt time so much fun…
I HAVE A RUBBY DUCKIE. I am not making this up. I don’t, uh… Spend quiet T-shirt time with said object, but I, too, was gifted with one of those at my bachelorette party. One reason I don’t, um… “play” with it is I wouldn’t know what part to, uh… Apply.
Hmmm, somehow, to me anyway, Don Ho and quiet shirt time just don’t mix…
Oh. I didn’t see my mistake till I got to Mindfield’s comment.
Did I really put Rubby Ducky? I could swear I typed Rubber, not Rubby. The letter “y” isn’t even near the letters “e”, “r”, or “b” on a keyboard.
200? Are you serious? This guy really thinks I’m going to give him an entire 200? He does realize just how rare those are, especially if you want one of any sort of quality at all? And all so I can get everything he has, including three ordinary letters of no specific value? Well, no thank you, because I have the letters “T”, “C”, “N”, and “U” and numbers “1″ and “2″ already, and Sparky can’t have them!
**blows raspberry**
Neener.
[OT; in re, site behaviour]
For whatever next number of days, adores are responding oddly on Refreshing the page. This is IE8.x on XP Pro SPIII. If IE is left to its onw devices about refreshing, there is no indicated change; which makes for rather a jarring change should a person hit F5 to be sure the current content is just that.
Which suggests that there is some sort of cookie-writing hiccup still needing addressing.
[/ot]
Shhh, Cap’n. I’ve had unlimited adores at home for over a month. Don’t mess it up.
*dern*
My hosting provider has a theory about what is happening. At some point over the weekend we will be doing a server move to see if that helps.
Since the students at my university are referred to as Wildcats, it led me to wonder if a student could be a catulator. I have made exhaustive studies and my results are as follows: several looks of horror when I attempted to load the kibble, a horrible misunderstanding of the type of petting I desired to enact, one suggestion that I seek professional help (like I could afford a real scientist!), a date offer, and three tangible results of “mountain dew,” “ramen,” and “alabaster handwarmers.”
Kelli, does it make a difference if the catulator is male or female? Is there any influence as to the color of the pelt? Sounds like you are close to a real break-through!
The answers are currently inconclusive due to a small sampling size. I do believe I could obtain more concrete results if I could substitute pizza for the kibble. Since I have not found a funding source, I shall have to abandon the research for now.
Speaking for myself, “alabaster handwarmers” sounds incredibly filthy and/or like a new euphemism … though for what, I do not know.
“Check out those alabaster handwarmers!”
“I’d like to get my hands on her alabaster handwarmers!”
Yeah, that does have a euphemistic ring to it.
Have we really not had any comments since around 4pm mountain? It’s been over 6 hours! What’s wrong with you people? Do you have liiiives or something?
I had to do work … and then stay late and do work and come home and finish it. I did so at about midnight mountain time. No, we don’t get OT. I’ve had a drink and am exhausted and punchy. Time to comment!!!!2111123!@!@
8)
This week. Has been. Very. Difficult. Alice. Bluegown. Punchity. Punch. Punch.
G’Night, Harry Hines!
I hear you, Windy. Here, I have a little flask to loan you … 😉
Ok, it’s late, I have no idea what is new, old or adored, and I’m not going to wade through the meme at midnight.
Perhaps the redux with some garlic bread tomorrow.
Mmmm, midnight meme….
Always delicious.
200 is probably pretty cheap for what may be a genawuin look-alike ant teak French Profidentional Arm-wire.