YSaC, Vol. 905: Make a little birdhouse eat your soul.
Kate sends this… thing. (For the appropriate level of sarcasm on that ellipses, imagine the previous sentence read by Alan Rickman.)
Home Decorations birdhouse 🙂 – $1
What we have here is a hand made well put together DELUXE bird mansion! it has all the trimmings and great craftsmenship thruout ,perfect for your birds enjoyment Place it in your front yard! GUARANTEED to GRAB your neighbors attenion .You could be the talk of your subdivison!!!
can and will do custom jobs ,1 send me your ideas and I will make the DREAM come true ,for you and your birds….stand pole is included and its over 6ft tall!
You know what movie really creeped me RIGHT the hell out when I was a kid? No, not “Fantasia.” Absolutely not “Fantasia.” I mean, it’s just hippos, right? There’s nothing at all creepy about hippos wearing tutus in those awful pastel colors and the hideous staring EYES, EYES EVERYWHERE!!!
Ahem. No, “Fantasia” absolutely positively did not creep me out. It just DIDN’T, OK?
But you know what move DID creep me out? (No, dammit, it was NOT “The Goonies.”) “POLTERGEIST!” “Poltergeist” was the movie that creeped me out. You know why? Because it was scary as hell, that’s why! But the effect that fascinated me the most was the very end.
*Spoiler Alert*
You see, it turns out the house was actually a sled named “Rosebud” the entire time.
No, wait, that’s not right.
*ACTUAL Spoiler Alert*
At the very end, the entire house implodes in on itself and disappears. It’s a really amazing effect, made all the more impressive for the fact that it was achieved entirely using models and bluescreens, with no CGI whatsoever.
This birdhouse really reminds me of that, somehow. What if the entire house didn’t quite implode? What if a few last random bits of furniture and molding got stuck on the interdimensional gateway and fused together? It might look something like this.
Of course, there’d have to be some particular object blocking the gateway for that to happen. It would probably have to be pretty big, too.
Wait. Oh god… is that… part of a TUTU sticking out?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGGG!!
You have disturbed me with all three movie references and given me an earworm. Not bad for a morning’s work Ostrimu
I would think that would grab your neighbor’s attention. It would be an effective bird deterrent though. They would probably rather roost in your neighbor’s eaves. Birds do have standards.
Thank you, Lara. You are a good friend to birds. 8)
You are a good friend to llamaderps
Actually, I can’t help imagining it being read by Quinn Morgendorffer: “Mo-om! Daria’s artsy friend made her this … thing, and now that it’s the talk of the subdivision, I’ll lose all my popularity!”
If I could give you more adores, I would, for the Daria reference. (I was, and sometimes still am, Daria.)
You and me both, Lola.
Me three.
Daria rocked. Adores for reminding me.
Now I’m imagining Daria meeting Alan Rickman. I think the combined sarcasm and withering wit would be fatal to anyone besides the two of them.
I’ve just been reminded that Alan Rickman’s performing in the city again. I’ve got to go and get my dose of withering snark if at all possible.
Alan Rickman was here in Sonoma a few years ago filming the movie Bottle Shock. His voice is even better in person. *flutter*
Lola, on my mobile where comments don’t nest, this one came after your jealousy-inducing double-bill comment, so the image that popped into my mind was Alan Rickman doing lead vocals for “Gimme the Car”.
What play is he actually performing in?
He’s in Ibsen’s “John Gabriel Borkman.” A friend of mine saw it this weekend.
Did she like it, Camille? Just Fiona Shaw on her own would be great to see, so getting both of them is fantastic. I’m totally thinking it will be worth the cost.
ETA: La Kitta, that’s genius. “Gimme the car, Dad,” a la Rickman. “Country Death Song” would be pretty good as well, plus “Don’t Let’s Start.” I’d also like to see him do something from the Dead Milkmen. “Bitchin’ Camaro,” perhaps.
Yes, he liked it very much, particularly Fiona Shaw.
The series just came out on DVD not long ago. I watched the whole thing through Netflix and enjoyed it just as much as when I was younger.
Geez, somebody buys a miter and scroll saw and thinks that makes them Norm Abram.
That would not earn an A in shop class.
/woodwork corey/ I don’t think Sparky used a mitre or scroll saw on any of this. It looks to me as if he hacked off the upper left corner of an old bookcase or chest of drawers (the former back of the bookcase is facing the camera), and then closed off the back and sides with other pieces similarly gouged from the source (I hate to think what the back of this work looks like). The cuts to me look like they were made using a dull handsaw. The cut along the bottom is deserving of special opprobrium. The bird door doesn’t look like it was made with a scroll saw. I think he used a hammer and chisel. I suppose the things on the top are meant to be perches. I don’t understand why the top is offset to the left – I can’t imagine that it was built to slide out for easy cleaning./end corey
Thanks for your hello the other day, Lola. I’ve been unable to participate much for many months, but all you guys have kept my spirits up every day with your snarking.
You know you’re always welcome. Come by and bring the puppies whenever you can, jg.
“Here, Ma! I made a birdhouse for you!”
“Oh, that’s very … interesting, Sparky dear.”
:examines birdhouse:
“How do the birds get in?”
“Uhhh… Just a sec.”
:sounds of frantic hammering:
“There ya go, Ma – all fixed!”
Totally a screw driver pounded in with a large but firm cat.
Look, puppies!
Good to see you
r avataragain, jg.That is actually what most of my wood shop projects looked like. That might be because I spent most of my time reading.
Seriously, with the way many HOAs are around here I think I’d be the subject of entire meetings, protests, and perhaps large gatherings of villagers with torches and pitchforks.
So… your house eats people too?
You know you’ve made a bad decision somewhere along the way if a large group of angry people waving flaming sticks and farming implements factors into your day’s plans.
SJ, I may use that as my status today. 8)
Wow, I may do the same at work for my corporate IM status. I hate the boring defaults like “Available” or “Busy”. Give people something to wonder about , I always say.
I put it in my work signature line. I bet the number of emails I get replies for decreases. :crosses fingers:
BD, how about “Recharging Batteries” for status?
Archie, if they ever give me a moment to recharge, it’ll be great. The extra 10 vaca days carried over from not being able to take them last year will be nice, if I get to take them this year…
I like that as a status. One co-worker (at a nearby facility), and all-around butthead, has “My standards are high, how about yours?” as his ‘tagline’ for his e-mail signature.
His counterpart (here) is known to often impart a “I don’t know about you, but my standards are pretty low.” commentary as a jab to the butthead during meetings.
It’s made even funnier by the fact that butthead never gets the reference.
The HOAs are serious, people!!
Ridiculous, yes…but dammit they are also serious!
One co-worker belongs to an HOA that requires he have 87 plants in his front yard. Potted do not count and trees or shrubs do not count.
I kid you not.
That’s inane. It’s like in “Office Space” where Jennifer Aniston’s waitress character is chastised by her supervisor for not wearing enough “pieces of flair.”
It is, indeed, and then there’s the neighborhood HOA that refused to let a man park his brand-new pickup truck in the driveway..and furthermore, he couldn’t keep it in his garage! That one got media attention and the HOA backed down.
The 87-plant co-worker said that NO pickup trucks are allowed in his neighborhood, unless they have a weedeater in back. LOL
It’s craziness. I’m glad I don’t live in a subdivision with a HOA.
I think HOA stands for Hitlers On Acid.
I have a relative who amuses herself in her retirement by being a thorn in the side of her HOA as much as possible. Things were fine when they moved into the development, but apparently it’s been taken over by nosy-parker control freaks.
A neighbor with a clipboard telling me what I can’t have inside my house (of which the garage is an extension)? Even the Supreme Court ( which, while unelected, are chosen by elected representatives) says adults can do and have certain very personal things, and considering the public nature of a pickup truck, that’s going way too far. Excuse me for a moment while I’m glad I live in an apartment where no one gives a crap!
I now rent in a subdivision. Regular owners/tenants park in “guest parking” all the time, round the clock. My niece came to visit for Thanksgiving, driving from the state of Washington to California with a toddler. They arrived around 12:40 AM and 20 minutes later, she got a warning for parking in guest parking. The engine was still warm! She had just finished unpacking. This makes me wonder if over night guests are actually verboten and about the true meaning of guest parking. Maybe she just needed to leave this “bird house” on the hood of her car to scare off enforcement.
I’m scared and offended by Fantasia and by music majors who love it.
And, just what is the minimum amount of “flair” needed, and are you encouraged to do more than the minimum, but that cannot be defined. . .
Capn – my immediate supervisor and I spent 15 minutes yesterday trying to impart the wit and wisdom of “Office Space” to a fellow co-worker who, get this, has never seen that movie!! Can you imagine?
I use lines from it ALL the time, and so does my boss. He’s awesome.
No, thank you; I don’t know my neighbors that well, nor do I have any desire to.
It’s been awhile since anatomy class. i don’t know that I could find my attenion without a diagram…
And I couldn’t find my attention SPAN with a microscope.
Ummm…I better not say anything.
😉
You know, it isn’t the Poltergeist (or Goonies or Fantasia) references that creep me out. Much. No, in fact, it’s the triple threat of a birdhouse that looks like it was built in the middle of the uncanny valley (lopsided, asymmetrical — I mean look at where the pole is); it’s got random, mismatched bits of wood nailed or hot glued to it that were clearly scavenged from jewelry boxes and letter/magazine racks; and then there’s that hole. Look at it. It wasn’t drilled out all nice and neat. There’s no perch. But see how the wood is splintered on the outside? That means means it was poked (or pecked) out from the inside.
This isn’t a birdhouse.
This is a birdie abattoir. And if you look close enough through the hole, you can see the little stick that swings down and knocks the birds unconscious.
I am getting the letter rack/decorative shelf moulding vibe from it, myself. And… is that a drawer pull knob I see near the top?
Edited to add: “moulding” felt like it wanted a “u” in it.
That’s the way I was raised, by education and by trade, to spell it.
Mold being hyphaeic fungi which propagate by spores.
Mould meaning to create by cutting or scribing, which propagates by pattern or die making in a machining or mechanical process.
Thus the trim piece between wall and ceiling id moulded. Said moulding might then be afflicted of hyphaeic or mycellenic parisites and then be said to be moldy or moldering.
Otherwise one is faced with statements like “the crown mold is molding.” Is it? Should that mean the decorative trim is striking a scribe or supporting fungal parasites? Perhaps “the crown” is moldering, and verdigris is afoot in the trim shop.
We shall set aside the potential for confusion should forms of jello be advanced herein.
I’m your only friend
I’m not your only friend
But I’m a little glowing friend
But really I’m not actually your friend
But I am…
totally not going to be your friend if you insist upon putting this not.a.birdhouse anywhere near me.
Little glowing friend…
Anyone know what Igor’s up to these days?
The person who built this has never seen a bird in his life. He (let’s just go with he for now) garnered all his ornithological information from cartoons. The Road Runner might stick his head in the hole if there was a sign saying Free Bird Seed. But I think even Wiley would laugh at the box and go on perusing the ACME catalog.
What gets me is not that he thinks this is a birdhouse, but that he thinks it’s a “DELUXE bird mansion.” Between the raggedy hole in front, the raggedy edges, the asymetrical placement of the pole, and all that crap on top, this is a bird trailer at very best.
I think even the redneck sparrows that used to live in a cardboard box on my front porch would be embarrased to live in this thing.
Redneck sparrows. I can just imagine that. A bunch of then perched on the tailgate of a beat-up F-150, boozing on fermented cherries, when one of them pipes up and says, “Hey y’all, watch this!” and then launches into the air, does a sloppy loop-de-loop, comes in for a landing, overshoots, and smacks straight into the rear window of the truck, much to the uproarious laughter of his buddies.
Band name of the day?
Actually, I knew I had heard of them… It’s IF’s “Flock of Seagulls” cover band…
Ok, random statement brought forth by Mindfield’s redneck sparrow story. I was in a car accident last friday and because I had to go to the hospital they impounded my car. While waiting to pay the outrageous amount to release my car so I could tow the wreckage home, I got to listen to a girl who had come because she couldn’t FIND her car and it occurred to her to ask the impound people if they had it. The response was yes and when she asked why they had it the man read her the infraction. She had parked her vehicle eight feet away from the curb. Which curb you might ask since this was a residential area (that she couldn’t even figure out why she was in). She thought this was hilarious as did her boyfriend. I wish I could have pinged her in the head with my car keys.
Wow, Lara, you made my head go ‘splody for a bit.
See, from having engaged in far too much subdivision design, I know that a person can pave a street to a mere 26′ wide. Streets with side parking ought be 35-36′ wide; making it quite difficult to be more than 8’ from a curb without being obviously double-parked.
Camille, that’s what I was thinking. If this is quality work, I’m afraid to imagine what they’d come up with by just slapping sh!t together.
Is it me, or does it look like the “entry hole” (for lack of a better term) looks like the bird was imprisioned during construction and had to peck its way out?
Either that, or Bubba forgot to buy a drill. When he was finished, he realized that he forgot to make an entry hole. So what he did was turn that thang around, set it up on the pickup tailgate and used his 30-06 to make that there door.
Probably a matching hole in the back… Cause every birdhouse needs a back door too!
That “entry hole” looks more like the stall divider in the men’s restroom down at the Greyhound station.
Glory be!
And *now* I’m disturbed, thanks mudsy.
Why did my mind go dirty when you said the Roadrunner would poke its head into the box
Cause you’re on my same wavelength, my dear! Hope the ouchies that required the trip to the hospital were not major or long lasting! ((HUGS))
I built a birdhouse mansion out of some crazy garbage
Called the crap that I had left over in my yard
But they’ve overcome their shyness
Now they’re calling me Your Highness
And a world screams, “Get that goddamn birdhouse off my lawn!”
Snort
Once again, a lack of scale makes this all the weirder. If that box is a normal-sized birdhouse, that’s a pretty small hole. Especially with all the raggedy splinters. If the hole is the normal size for a birdhouse, that’s a very big ugly box.
Either way, FAIL.
I don’t even think it’s worth the $1 off the Birdhouse Value Menu at the Craptastic Houses for Wildlife drive-thru.
But the birdseed is so yummy. Nobody else toasts it the way they do.
I think I see the scale! (Not that it’s super important, but I thought I’d mention…) If you look around the edges, you can see that the “esuohdrib” is sitting on a step, probably porch stairs. It looks like the main boxy-thing is about the height of one stair on one side, and then an inch or two higher on the other side. *sits back, feeling all proud of herself*
It’s just possible that you’ve thought about this too much.
Yes, I’ve considered the possibility. Working in QA, though, is it really possible to overdo it?
How often have you just had to look at something to know it needs to be taken back, shot, burned, and rebuilt from scratch because there isn’t anything about it that isn’t broken?
I mean besides Jersey Shore.
EB, I think you are nearly correct. However, if you look at the bottom of the bird . . .thing, you will see that it’s on a “pole” that is included in the offer. So the stairs behind it are about 4 to 6 feet away. Still, it’s a pretty good idea to go with. 8)
:squints at picture:
Without access to the Orbital Cave of Technological Wonders, it looks to me like Sparky took the picture in the stairway leading from his bomb shelter/palatial basement suite to the outside world.
This leads me to the conclusion that Sparky is a mole-man and only has a vague idea what a bird is.
Windrose, dang, you’re right… Now it looks like a magic eye picture (Stare at it long enough and it’ll start to make sense! Or you’ll get an aneurysm.) or a really bad photoshop job.
Mindfield, yes I have. Yes yes yessity yes.
Burds are dem liddle things that ‘ave tails, go squeak, and love cheez right?
Well, to my eye* this has all the look of a kit to build something else. What other thing beggars imagination just now.
But, it was a gift from your second cousin Betty’s sister Evelyn’s niece Ruthanne’s grand-aunt Mabelyne and you know she’s poorly and this could be her last Christmas, so could you at least try to behave like you like the present she got you.
Then there was a great deal of ice wine after supper and probably some extra fortified eggnog and Uncle Bill, Uncle Frank, and “Uncle” Ivor are all in the basement, and look at that ingrate’s present–sheesh, yah, it’s from Mabelyne but, still, the kid’s parents arta shudta smackt some manners innim, or sumpin. Sheesh, this is easy, lookit–gimme some glue–see, this goes here, an at goes–yeah, put that screw in there–see . . .
“What have you, you, you, MEN DONE to Mabelyne’s PRESENT!?”
Ah, well, er, uh, hmm, <hic!> . . .
Issa Bir’house!
__________________________________
*My eye is faded today; three day’s rain and mold and mildew and the ilk have raised much respiritory ichor and allergic reaction. That and a gloomy day are not making for delicate lightness of being <sigh>
I lost my lucky Poltergeist
Now it’s 30 years gone
The pole’s six feet tall and included
And I bet there’s some rattling going on
Sparky man, sparky man
Doing the things only sparky can
What’s he like? He’s built a mansion
Sparky man
Is he a Sparky, or is a Sparkette?
When he’s underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody cares, Sparky man
You’re very lyrical this morning, LRC.
The title set off all my They Might Be Giants earworms 🙂
This is where the party ends
I can’t stand here looking at you
And your Sparky friend
I know birdhouses bore you
But I’m seeing hippos, looking at you
And your Sparky friend
Custom-built birdhouse
Guaranteed to generate
Restraining orders
Haiku by Emu! Niiiiiice…
🙂
A Haiku for the Sparky who built a birdhouse (in which the title contains more syllables than the poem itself, but only because I took the time to inform you of it.)
You suck at Craigslist,
and building birdhouses too.
What a piece of crap.
This is the sound of one bird clapping. (Yes, I’m mixing my Asian metaphors here)
I can’t door the day’s post, so I’ll thank you for the TMBG earworm here. One of my favorite shows ever was when I was in grad school and they played a double bill with the Violent Femmes.
*is insanely jealous*
I don’t think it’s a bird house at all. It’s a warning sign, like “Enter at your own risk. I got me some new power tools that I don’t no how to use and me and my buds need sumthin to practice on”. You stick that sign out in the front yard, next to the rusted F150 up on the blocks with the crazy, redneck, dive bombing birds. That will keep those pesky doorbell ringers away.
I know you need some hound dogs in there some place. If you did you (not me) could write a country music song.
Only if’n he got the power tools after his (sister)wife left him.
And she stole his pick-up truck the day he got out of prison
She needed the truck to go to Mama’s funeral up at th’ prison.
In the rain.
But before she could get to the station in her pickup truck
she got runned over by a damned old
birdhousetrain…And his best huntin’ dawg followed her to the tracks, and now he sits there a howling. And so does the dawg.
Sparks was home alone and started thinking. The thinking hurt, so he stopped and built a birdhouse instead.
This is the birdhouse equivalent of a Katrina trailer. Seriously, what horrendous event would drive a poor, miserable family of birds to take refuge in that thing?
“And as we held on for dear life, the wind battering around us, we prayed for the moment to end and the peaceful calm to return to our lives. And then the gardener turned off the leaf blower, but it was too late. Our home was in shambles, our life in ruins”.
—Mr. S. Parrow.
Now I’m so sad Meredith. I suddenly want to contribute to a charity for homeless birds. And one for Beatrix Potter characters. That farmer is vicious.
Welcome to Hungerford’s Home for Happy Hookbills and Softbill Songbirds! In the last week alone, we have taken in a cockatiel that flew into a window at my office building (while I was on vacation, but someone who knows me brought it to me) and a blue parakeet that flew into a neighbors’ house. They brought it to see if it was one of ours that had escaped, and when we said no, they asked if we wanted it. 8) No such thing as a homeless bird around here. Contributions can be sent at any time, just put the bird seed in the cup holder on your computer.
Didn’t Jeff Goldblum do this movie already? The Birdhouse? Birdhouse goes through the matter teleporter pod and comes back as a Birdhouse-Brundle hybrid.
I think this is a Birdhous-Bungle !
I just saw that (in a theater, no less) two days ago!
Not to put too fine a point on it…
But that’s one lousy birdhouse.
It’s ghetto fabulous! Perfect for Pimp My Nest or Extreme Makeover with Ty Henny Pennyton.
But it is a perfect representation of
man’sSparky’s inhumanity towards birds.Maybe it’s a lousehouse. Certainly lice would fit through the door more easily than birds.
LRC, can we get a professional opinion on this?
My lice are mostly offended. Except Ralph. He loves it and wants to know when he can move in. He’s never really been the same since….well….you know.
Hasn’t he been partially blind since … the accident?
Yes, the poor dear, but we try not to mention it. Especially when clothes shopping with him.
Oh, I get it! It represents birds inumanity…er..inhu-birdity(?) to bird!
Sort of an ava rahwra?
This is clearly the classic Da Finchi piece, Birdhaus with Garbáge.
It’s from his late cubist period.
Maybe this is Sparky’s kid’s first attempt to make something out of wood. So Sparky praised it to the skies and now Sparquito thinks he’s a birdhouse genius. You gotta admit, it’s not that bad for a little kid’s first project. Don’t you? Guys? Hey, that’s not funny. Put down the pitchforks. C’mon, you’re gonna put somebody’s eye out. And those torches are really on fire. Guys? Guys! NooooOOooooooOooOoo
Yeah, but it was supposed to be a Pinewood Derby racer…
I’m pretty sure that happens naturally around puberty.
Hey, Tankerbell! We have been missing your sparkle and wit around here. Good to see you!
@Tankerbell – I’m loving Sparquito! I wonder if that could be the name of my next chil …..pet ….husb ….friend?
So, the DREAM that Sparky is going to make come true – that’ll be the one where I wake up screaming, presumably.
I think it’s the one where you wake up with random pieces of wood glued to your appendages. I think screaming is involved.
It’s where you wake up in an irregularly-shaped wood box with only a tiny, ragged hole to let in air. Good thing you’ve got that, or the screaming would kill you pretty quickly.
As is, it’ll only kill you real slow-like, inducing more screaming, inducing more killing of you real slow-like.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My sister had a vicious cycle, but she kept getting flat tires from the spikes.
I had a viscous cycle but all I could ever get it to do was ooze so I sold it on Craigslist.
Having come home and looked at this again, I posit Birdhouse Construction Theory #2 (#1 basically consists of “Sparky has no skill or taste.”):
Drunk and/or high teenagers/college students, who looked at what they had done when they sobered up and dared each other to put it on CL.
“Dude … what is it?”
“Hell if I know. I remember a hammer … and some wood … and … someone screaming.”
“Yeah, I remember the wood. And … a butter knife?”
“Could be. What the hell were we trying to do?”
“Dude, I don’t even know. And what’s that hole there?”
“I don’t… um…”
*worried looks*
“Uh … yeah, totally don’t remember anything about last night.”
“Me either. Total blackout.”
“So … what should we do with it?”
“I dunno. You could, like, try to sell it on Craiglist.”
“What the hell do I say is it?”
“I dunno, dude! Say it’s a birdhouse.”
“Whoa, awesome!”
This reminds me of my son and his friends who somehow got an ice sculputure home from a corporate ‘do’ and decided that, after using up all the alcohol in the house themselves*, it would be fun to slide their resident goldfish down it since he, poor old Fishy, had never been snowboarding.
*alcohol corey/ beer does not taste good after creme de menthe especially if you have to catch it in your open mouth with tongue attached to ice/end alcohol corey*
Poor fishy!
Well, the ad does include a smiley face, and the insistnace that this is a “deluxe” version.
One wonders what the “standard” or “tourist” grade version might look like.
If we follow the air fare model, and “deluxe”/1st class is a dollar, then “business” will be 93¢ and “tourist” will be 91¢ . . .
Birdhouse
by Anna Woodford
You fiddle with the catch
between my legs until my mouth
springs open and I am
crowing like an everyday bird that has
entered the heights of an aviary. I am
scaling the bars, wide-
spreading my common or garden
fan while your beady eye hangs
over my body. My voice goes
flying in our feathered bed from
your forefinger and thumb, my next cry
rests on the tip of your tongue.
review By Ben Wilkinson
Gosh, Coffy, that is a little, you know, adult for our regular discourse. Very cool poem, but not sure it’s appropriate for all ages. 8)
I’ll be in my bunk.
Looking at it again, all I can see are the splinters. I wouldn’t want to get within 10 feet of the … thing, for fear of getting small slivers of wood under all my fingernails. ::shudder::
Alice Bluegown, I wonder if we should have translated your comment into American. I don’t know if everyone knows that a lounge is to British families what a family room, living room, or great room is to those of us across the pond. Anyway, here’s your well deserved Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, New Yankee Workshop!
I think a car on blocks would get you neighbors attention quicker and no self respecting bird would live in that. *laugh*
Oh, yay! Glad to see it made it on here. And I couldn’t have asked for a better post heading…that’s my favorite song ever 🙂