YSaC, Vol. 1076: It’s like space without the stars
2011 September 12
Black Acoustic Guitar – $40
Picture says it all. Needs to be re-strung
(note: this is the entire ad, including the distinct lack of picture)
This is a black acoustic guitar. I mean, really, really black. So black that it has black strings on a black fretboard with black frets. The black strings are wound onto black tuning pegs, over a black bridge and a black nut. It also has a black pick guard. It’s, like, so black that it has actually absorbed all the light from the picture into itself, man. That’s what this picture says to me. It’s, like, a metaphor, for man’s inhumanity to man, man.
Pass the Cheetos.
Thanks for the weirdness, Keith!
It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.
“Picture says it all”
Translation = I’m an idiot. That is all.
I see it! – There, just beyond the event horizon…..
Silly Sparky forgot to take the lens cap off.
Play it, Angus!
The guitar’s black
That’s a fact
I’m telling you
It’s totally black
Need to
Restring
Before you sing
Forty bucks will get you this thing
‘Cause I
Need the dough
Gotta go
Get my G-E-D and then blow
I’m on a
Sparky high!
Wonder why?
When I get the cash
I’m gonna fly!
It’s black!
Guitar’s black!
Well it’s
Bla -a -a -ack!!!!
Bla – a -a -a -ack!!
Guitar’s black!
My
Guitar’s
Black!!!
I see a guitar, and I want it painted black.
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black.
I see the girls walk by; I hear the songs they’ve sung.
I’d love to join them, but my black guitar’s unstrung.
And why do I get the feeling that the lack of a picture really does say it all?
I think we’ve finally found a Sparky that is so dense he spontaneously collapsed into a black hole and the gravity well sucked the picture off the Internet.
So we’re all doomed to die horrible compression deaths, but at least the guitar’s unstrung so we don’t have to suffer through a halting rendition of Stairway to Heaven while we die.
Either that, or performance art has hit the internet in a weird way.
I thought performance art would have had more exposed genitalia.
Of course it could be … you know, ninja genitalia.
And that, my dear, is exactly why we can’t see it!
(Thankfully.)
That’s it, it’s a hipster’s guitar. It’s a guitar that’s too cool to be seen. Yeah.
There are 47 products in this ad, none of which can be seen.
I got 99 pictures, but this guitar ain’t one of them.
Are they individual portaits of ninety-nine different red balloons?
Mostly.
But Ghostie, I read a story that had lots of black holes and they never compressed the universe, they just sucked in the person standing directly above them. No one else was hurt!
The picture says it all… and since said picture is the Tao of the Universe, I’m keeping it for myself! Suck my enlightenment,
binchesbitches!“Suck my enlightenment bitches!”
Thank you for my phrase for the day.
What I like about it is how the meaning changes if you put in a comma.
“Suck my enlightenment bitches!”
“Suck my enlightenment, bitches!”
Or a hyphen.
“Suck my enlightenment-bitches!”
Who says punctuation isn’t fun?
Suck My Enlightenment Bitches is IF’s Heart cover band.
With their hit single: “Zen: Nothing at all”
Engligtenment Bitches: Female dogs of spiritual actualization.
What is this, a guitar for some kind of galactic hyper-hearse?
Well, there would have been a picture but this guitar was previously owned by a member of the rock band “Ninja”.
So, there couldn’t possibly be a picture, because, you know….ninjas.
I
rememberforgot all about them.Their first album, “Two hours of Silence” was an instant hit, and the music video “Black on Black” is a must
can’tsee.BaBa Looey: “Hey queeksdraw, This looks like a job for El Kabong!
Quick Draw McGraw: There’s no kabong in this here kabonger, Baba Looey…
First, there were no monkeys. Now there are no guitars. I’m getting a little spooked about what might disappear next.
I hope it’s not pants.
Unless it’s David Tennant’s or Ralph Fiennes’ pants. You can go ahead and make those disappear.
What pants?
*Jingly Jingly Jingly*
Maybe they are going to some kind of not-quite-parallel musical universe, where someone has speculated: “If a hundred monkeys played guitar for a hundred years, would they come up with a classic tune (whatever you think the musical equivalent of Shakespeare would be)?”
“If you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of banjos and had them all play, all of them would be making better music than Miley Cyrus.”
Why are there quotes around that? Did your wife say it? 8)
Monkey, please!
Y’all can’t see it but I am turning my nose up at you in disgust over all this monkey slammin’.
Monkey slammin’ ain’t kool;
It’s mean and rude, it’s Kruel.
Let Shel Silverstein make it better:
The Monkey
1 little monkey
Was goin’ 2 the store
When he saw a banana 3
He’d never climbed be4.
By 5 o’clock that evenin’
He was 6 with a stomach ache
‘Cause 7 green bananas
Was what that monkey 8.
By 9 o’clock that evenin’
That monkey was quite ill,
So 10 we called the doctor
Who was 11 on the hill.
The doctor said, “You’re almost dead.
Don’t eat green bananas no more.”
The sick little monkey groaned and said,
“But that’s what I 1-2 the 3-4.”
You see, it’s ads like this that give us a bad name. No wonder [he who must not be named] thought we were all about the racist jokes.
I mean seriously, it’s easy enough to tell from the picture that the guy is obviously selling a banjo, not a guitar. It’s important that we get this stuff right and not look all racially insensitive.
C-man (Cross myself three times and fork the evil eye to the west) was about the distasteful gay jokes as I can remember. Unless you are talking about somebody else. Then I’ll go back to sleep.
Actually, I think he accused us of being white or something, when not making his stupid little homophobic jokes.
All I remember is that Snuggies were involved.
He who shall not be named? Where was I when Lord Volde—oops, almost named he-who-shall-not-be-named—showed up?
I’m missing something too. I think it was before my time.
We had a much worse HWSNBN than ol’ Voldey.
Imagine Voldemort if he were 14, homophobic, and a troll.
We applied a tried-and-true method of troll removal – we ignored him and talked about something else. He pouted a bit and then took what was left of his ball and went home.
We use his tags all the time (or am I confusing my Cs?), but the Llama-nun (MBBUH) suggested we not talk about him himself because it might draw him back to the blog.
Also, Windrose edited his posts so as to utterly change the meaning. 😀 He may have been blocked as well, but I think being edited/censored helped.
Windy – I think you’re confusing the [corey] tag corey with HWSNBN. corey was more of a stick-in-the-mud than a troll.
Indeed:
Corey was a stick in the mud, but probably meant well.
Matt was righteously indignant and didn’t really get the point of the website. But, he did as a righteously indignant person should do: he promptly left never to return.
HWSNBN was a juvenile jackass who couldn’t take a hint and didn’t realize he wasn’t funny or amusing. His trolling wasn’t even all that good.
Those are my impressions too.
Corey was trying to be helpful by explaining the ad of the day, and he got a little irritated when we suggested that maybe there was more to YSaC than figuring out what Sparky was selling.
I seem to remember that Matt started his comment with “This one’s in poor taste”. As if we aren’t all about poor taste.
HWSNBN? In all candor, I can’t remember him.
Most annoying posters go away eventually.
He he he he he he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he hehe he he!!!!
I think I have a logical* explanation for why there isn’t a photo – Sparky found a piece of a highly classified alien spacecraft and decided it would make a bitchin’ guitar. He could post a picture of it, but then he would have to kill everyone on the Internet and who has that kind of time?
* May contain less that seven percent of the recommended daily allowance of logic.
I’ll be right over to pick it up, as soon as I can figure out where I parked this ship that I borrowed from Disaster Area.
IF gets the crush du jour award for actually remembering the Douglas Adams reference that I could not.
And you with a brain the size of a planet…
Which one? Pluto? It’s not even a planet any more.
Venus, Duh.
Hey! You know what? I once knew a man from Venus.
Nice guy.
ditto (lola)
Never met any Venusians to my knowledge, despite having been in a road-side diner or two
(not once while spending a year dead for tax purposes, either).
Heh. “Venusians”. Heh heh.
Hotblack Desiatos’ guitar. Now for a stroll on the beach. Maybe I can find a pebble who will be my friend.
He’s spending the year dead, for tax reasons.
“How many escape pods are there?”
“None”
“Did you COUNT them?”
“Yes, twice.”
The guitar also needs to be re-wooded as you can tell by the picture. Basically Sparky has a guitar pick and some glue.
Re-wooded.
*snerk*
The corner is really spacious now, after the improvements over the weekend.
I’m just saying Sparky needs some wood.
That can go a couple of different ways.
Are you saying Sparky needs some wood and goes both ways?
Is this the AC/DC Sparky?
Hai corner! My, my…it is spacious in here, and there are caramel coffee slices. Yummm.
“Is this the AC/DC Sparky?”
Duh! Reference my above “Back in Black” parody! (read this in the voice of the comic book guy from The Simpsons)
Aaaannnnd – With all the Pluto and Venus talk, not even ONE Uranus come back?!
I know it’s Monday people but COME ON NOW!!!
Edit: Translation, Monkey, PLEASE!
They make products to alleviate Uranian “come back.” Your mileage may vary.
Isn’t that normally called the “interstellar money shot”?
I like the corner, I do.
Either that or a backwards shart.
Doors and doors to Kelli!
“interstellar money shot”
Read that (twice) as “interstellar monkey shot” and flashed on “funky ‘spunky’ monkey”.
I look at you all see the love there that’s sleeping
My black guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
My black guitar gently weeps
I don’t know why nobody told you how to restring your box
I don’t know how someone photographed you
They bought and sold you.
I still miss George. 8/
Now I have the guitar solo from Something stuck in my head. George always managed to find the musical center that allowed some of the avant-garde John songs and the bubblegum poppy Paul songs into a coherent whole.
Camille, congrats, you have the box to yourself today! The subject matter has nothing to do with it, it’s your creativity and wit that earned you this recognition. 8)
Well, you are in the box too in spirit, Windy. At least I assume that’s what accounts for all those sunflower seeds on the floor… 🙂
I’m having a hard time making The Association between seeds on the floor and Windy. Hmmmm….
I Cherish that comment, Mudsy. 8)
Well, I still think we need Monica to sing-afy up that version of Windy.
Which is tough sledding as we probably ought use Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters rather than Vogon posy.
Heh. “Vogan posy”. Heh he he heh.
Here’s what I find myself pondering: If you play a song on the unstrung invisible guitar, do you hear the sound of one hand clapping when you finish?
You hear a tree fall in the woods.
Hopefully the tree doesn’t fall where the bear…well…you know what bears do in the woods. (No, not ninjas.)
Sleep. I’ve always heard it as bears sleep in the woods.
They can’t sleep if that one hand is always clapping and the tree is falling, though, I suspect.
Ah, but if you seek applause you cannot find it–such is the Substance of Void.
Somehow f(x) where Sparki = Sensei does not compute, therefore I am comfortable in asserting that Spark’ above has not transcended the need for stings, or instrumentality at all, and has perfected “the strum” instead.
Wait a minute! That’s MY air guitar! It was stolen a few months ago! That bastard!!!
The good news – it certainly IS a black acoustic guitar.
The bad news – it belongs to Jimi Hendrix and you have to go get it.
Just follow this simple plan;
Step 1 – Wait for Zombie Apocalypse to begin.
Step 2 – Behead Zombie Hendrix.
Step 3 –
Profit!Free guitar!One small hitch: He’s not buried under the gravestone that has his name on it.
Yes, there is one, and yes, he’s buried with the guitar – and that’s why he has the anonycrypt. His family did not want a pre-zomb situation and acted accordingly.
Wait a minute. We had to deal with the Chicken Apawkolypse last week, now this? Dang. This is enough to wear a monkey out.
Heh. “Wear a monkey out”. Heh heh.
It’s so nice out, you should leave it out.
Ew!
Mike is now employed.
I SAW!!!! That’s fantastic news!!! I would fling many, many doors for that comment. 😀
How’s THAT for a birthday present for you?
Spike it in the inzone!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! Elebenty doors to you and Mike!!!!!
Woo hoo! Party at Windy’s!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, folks. 8) I can’t believe it, but on the other hand, it seems like it was meant to be. Best. Birthday. Present. Ever. 8)
Great news!
Half a zillion comments ago, Lola referred to the Infinite Monkey Hypothesis.
Here’s an update.
That programmer has way too much time on his hands.
It is postings like this one that restores my faith in my…. Faith. When faced with an ad like this one, you can only ask yourself, “WWJHD?”*
*What Would Jimi Hendrix Do? The answer is abundantly clear in “Purple Haze”.
Hey, Grampdaddy! How is school going? Do we need to deliver that pallet of coffee slices, or the other pallet, of cases of vodka. Both?
Hey, Lola (and all the rest of you)! Have been mostly lurking the past few weeks since school started back up (no brain cells left to snark with at the end of the day). I am the interventionist for grades K-5 which means I get to try to assist any and all children who may need help with learning. I’m the step before the kiddos get referred for Special-Ed. I also get to assist the teachers with developing lessons for new material.
Part-time (no bennies) meaning I put in six hours a day at school, plus multiple hours before and after developing educational plans for the kids I work with. I LOVE what I’m doing!!!!! 🙂
Lola, just keep the flask available – I’ll stop by as needed.
*gets out secret back-up “in case of emergency break glass” flask*
Any time, Grampdaddy!
Otherwise known as the “Jerry Can”.
Grampdaddy, if your ears are ringing, it’s because we were discussing your lack of presence on FB.
Either that or Astro and Laurel have been practicing in the Snark Lounge again.
Hi AR! Huh, I thought my ears were ringing because of my hearing loss. Ya know, I’ve been on and off of FB a number of times over the years, and I guess I’m just not a social networking person. Manda will tell you that I’m probably one of the most anti-social folks she knows….. But I’m good at it, anybody who doesn’t know me will verify that, as will most of those who do know me.
Tinnitus – such a blessing……NOT!
The bells are ringing in my ears,
As they’ve rung for all these years.
And as I listen to their peel,
I wonder if they’re really real.
The bells are ringing in my ears,
Unreally real for all these years!
Camille, here’s your well-deserved Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Michelle Bitting!