YSaC, Vol. 1118: No dice son, you gotta work late.
You know what’s the problem with the economy today? Too many lazy, shiftless young people not getting off their duffs and getting jobs.
I’m not talking about college students. I’m not talking about teenagers. It’s already too late for those feckless layabouts to change their ways.
No, if we’re going to instill any kind of work ethic into our future generations, we’re going to have to get them started MUCH earlier.
3 Year- Old Teacher Needed for Catholic School
Creative, Fun, Happy, Peaceful, Dedicated ‘3 Year- Old Teacher’ Needed to work at new Catholic School in ########## (September to June program) on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 8am to 3pm. $20-$22. per hour depending upon education and experience. Minimum of AA in ECE or related field. EEC Lead Teacher Certification a plus but not necessary. Possibility for full-time position with health benefits in January, 2011.
Now, I admit that’s a lot of qualifications for a three year old, but really, if they haven’t already started planning for their future, there’s probably just no hope for them.
And there’s no point in saying that a three year old can’t possibly have enough relevant experience to land a job like this. If they were go getters (not like YOU), they would already have several years of positions like this one under their belt:
**** Private preschool seeking one yr. Old teacher ****
Private preschool in ###### seeking One year old teacher to join our wonderful teaching staff. Must have experience and CPR and first aid certification. Must be very dependable, loving and energetic! Must be in good health and able to stand for long periods of time, bend, stoop, etc. Must be able to lift toddlers. Good parental communication skills is a must! Hours are 8-5:30 (Subject to change). Please email resume to ########.
One year olds are like ants – they can lift many times their own body weight in toddlers. And if they can’t, they need to get their butts to the gym until they CAN.
That’ll set an example for all those newborns who don’t have their résumés in order yet.
Thanks for the posts, Lynne and LD!
It may sound amazing to have 3-year olds teaching at a Catholic school, and you may think the one-year-old teaching at her fancy private school is incredibly advanced. But my homeschooled kids are by far heads and shoulders above all of them. They were teaching yoga and quantum physics while still in the womb. (My son even got a research grant to study indigenous tribes of Peru but had to give up the funding when he discovered I didn’t have a passport.)
No passport? Some mother you are. (Guilt superpower, activate!)
No kidding. I came out with mine already stamped from my mom’s uterus. Getting through customs was a bit of a pain though – some very personal questions, but I was fully prepared for the strip search.
When they teach while still in the womb, are the checks made out to you, or them? Do you have to wait until they are born to cash them? What about taxes? Are they figured into yours or do they file separately? I need to know this before I decide to have children.
Bridgete was getting her first Bachelor’s degree in utero. She was in class – 15 hours a term, and due to the fact that she was born shortly after spring break, her first tests were at one month old. She did very well. Finished up her degree work at 3 months. Then I let her slack off for a few years until she was ready to tackle preschool. Finger painting was never her best subject.
Only a Bachelor’s? Mila had a Master’s by the time she was yanked from the womb.
Well, all I can say is my grandchildren are so far above this that even $22/hr with full benefits is an insult.
Just recently one was
caughtfound studying to be a doctor. He even enlisted the aid of a neighbor’s daughter. He is brilliant, and that’s just one of my grandchildren.*drags out huge photo album and massive journal*
Shall I tell you about the rest?
Wait. Someone who is all of three is expected to work three days per week at $20-22/hr and no health benefits to start? Way to attract underachievers.
hyuj j gtgffgt98tgpfgv89t6g6tgb
(Submitted as a resumé by my 2 year old cat standing on the keyboard. She figured her age averaged out the two job postings.)
But in human years she’s almost a teenager, so clearly she’s too old for the job. Of course, she could apply anyway just for the experience and the ensuing EEOC complaint.
Right. When I was a teenager, I was already a cardinal.
My hypothetical children are so brilliant, I haven’t even concieved them yet and they have already won three Nobel Prizes and a Pulitzer.
Clearly my imaginary offspring are too overqualified for these jobs.
In this economy, you take what you can get.
Why, my sperm are so smart…What? corner already?
🙁
Hammy, if they’re really, really smart, they know when to and when not to make a baby!
I have a one year old professor at school. He’s quite brilliant but a harsh grader if he hasn’t had a nap or the teaching assistant hasn’t changed his diaper.
How awful is it during those ‘teething’ moments?
Terry Pratchett created a wonderful character in the Abbot who has been reincarnated over 500 years or so, and currently in present in the form of an infant. He gives forth very learned statements punctuated with “Wanna wanna wanna biscuit!” and throwing his stuffed hippo at the monks who care for him.
My two-year old will be so disappointed that there aren’t any teaching positions open for him.
These days you have to matriculate at Mater Hyster if you want to remain competitive. I had my first PhD prior to conception–beat that.
I hope the goats are impressed!
Three year olds are often creative, fun, and happy – but peaceful? Good luck with that one.
I went to Catholic school. The three-year-old teachers had to walk on stilts so the habits would fit correctly. They could swat you in the back of the head with one of those things faster than you could say God Donkey!
Adores aplenty for the “God Donkey” ref, darling Windy! Now…to figure out a way to work “boobsicles” into the conversation….
How about laser boobs? I got that one from a kid at the library.
I don’t think I’ve ever received genitalia from a library – I usually have to go to that weird store at the outlet mall to pick up spare breasts.
Do you have to bring the laser boobs back to the library every two weeks to renew them?
Boobsicles – how the one year old teacher carries his lunch.
You’re welcome, CJ.
I heart ALL of you!!!
CJ, emotions are strictly disallowed in the public area of the lounge. Go to the feckin’ corner with that.
Meanwhile, in the box, Hammy tries desperately to not chase ferrets, because Dave brought the supersoaker.
This reminds of the old chestnut about my brother being a baby doctor, but he had to give it up as he couldn’t reach the operating table.
…’Cause there ain’t no cure for the pre-born blues.
Better to have the pre-born blues than the reborn terrors.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reborn_doll
Welp, that’s it. Might as well do NaNo now, since I’m not gonna be sleeping for the next three weeks. Thanks a lot, Ghostie.
I like to share 🙂
Yes, thanks Ghostie. So creepy – gotta have a talk with José Cuervo now….
Not even clicking, as I’ve seen them before.
*empties flask at memory*
My mom bought a life size ceramic doll at a craft fair one time, and being a mom, she naturally carried it the way one would carry a real baby. It was about the size of a one year old, and looked very lifelike. Absolute beautiful craftsmanship, and dressed in real clothing. She was standing in line at the pizza shop, faux baby on her hip, bouncing it slightly it like it was real and might start fussing, from force of habit. The lady at the counter kept looking at the baby, and finally freaked out because “he” wasn’t blinking. It took a few minutes of explaining to calm the woman down.
On a semi-related note, the artist who made the dolls had her car broken into a few times and had a few run-ins with police for leaving her “children” unattended in her van.
“Possibility for full-time position with health benefits in January, 2011.”
Daaaaaang. Either the backlog of submissions is huge, or they also want a time-traveling toddler.
[corey] There’s usually a time-lapse between when an ad is submitted to YSaC and when our Esteemed Overlords (BBUT) get it posted. The ad was probably posted on CraigsList pre-1/11.[/corey]
This fits in nicely with yesterday’s
speical eduations essay questions
#1. How is babby formed?
My 3-year-old is not available after 1 PM because of naptime, if we really feel that the teacher should remain peaceful.
He has, in fact, had over two years of early childhood education experience, though most of it has been in management/supervision of the teacher rather than of other children. He is not that into health benefits… $20 an hour, though? Does he get to choose his own snacks and potty breaks? I think you could work something out if there is cake. He could be persuaded to give up the nap.
You’re his agent? Wow. I didn’t realize I needed one to negotiate terms for educational employment these days.
Maybe that’s why nap time isn’t standard anymore. No agents = no nap time.
Hammy and Dave plus Ferrets, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Morning, Academia!