YSaC, Vol. 1131: Watch it wiggle!
I need a human jello mold chef
I have a large container in my backyard which is big enough for me to stand in, and comes to my shoulders. What I’m hoping to do is get myself into this tub, whereupon you will then add the necessary ingredients to make a large batch of jello with me in the center of it. Ideally I would be naked inside the tub, but if that makes you uncomfortable, I can definitely wear a banana hammock or one of those old school one piece bathing suits that men used to wear in the 1920s. You will be compensated for your trouble to the tune of $350, and I will supply all of the jello.
Well, let’s see … what are the “necessary ingredients” to make Jell-O?
1. Lots and lots of Jello-O™ powder.
2. Lots and lots of boiling water.
I don’t see any potential problems with this plan at all.
Jello with…. Fruit!
And a nutty center.
Too bad the filling makes the Jello taste like ass.
Those had better be marshmallows . . .
Eww.
Chocolate marshmallows?
Double ewww.
*starts mixing concrete*
Concrete? Noooo, it’s the new pecan sandy flavor Jello.
[o/t]
Hey, no “dis” on pecan sandies! Just because the recipe only works by using real lard and real flour and real sugar, and any replacements cause a product all too similar to non-expanding grout . . .
[/ot]
After the boiling water comes the ice cubes, and this can only be done on a day when the temps will be 40 degrees or below or the Jell-O won’t set up properly. This is going to be fun!
Meh….that’s why Sparky’s next ad was for a pallet, a forklift, and a cold storage unit. Also, I’m seeing the Jello in layers. Lots and lots of layers.
[corey] You can rapid-set jello by mixing ice cubes with the boiling water. If the jello was mixed this way before pouring into Sparky’s enclosure he would avoid the burns and it might just soft-set around him, if it was a cold day.
Of course, he’s then going to probably die from skin suffocation and hypothermia, but that’ss not OUR problem. 😀 [/corey]
*SNAP!*
*Jingly Jingly Jingly*
Bring on the Jello!
Does Jell-o come in brain bleach flavor?
They make a brain mould for jello–which Sparky may have already used . . . just before being left out in the rain in MacArthur Park . . .
I actually have one of those molds – if we ever have a YSaC Convention, I’ll bring brain-shaped coffee slices.
“brain-shaped coffee slices”
Brilliance!
Saw–and of course cannot find it now–a chocolate-nib espresso bark recipe.
But, I was recently distracted by using an alginate to make coffee “caviar” which would probably awful if served on “toasts” made from sweet-roll dough . . .
The box has gone to the dogs today. Again. Yet another, further, different time.
I resemble that.
For what possible reason could Sparky want to be naked during this ordeal? If this is some sort of elaborate plot to serve taint-Jello to his enemies, I can think of easier ways to go about doing it.
“Taint-Jello” sounds like a Pussy Galore cover band that plays while hermaphrodites wrestle in Jell-o.
No, I don’t know where that came from, and am pretty sure I don’t want to, so I will happily go to the corner. *wibble*
Well, NYC is a very cosmopolitan place, with almost any kind of population cohort imaginable.
Perhaps you are just having a flashback to some half-seen ad flyer for the 38WaTt . . .
No, not NYC-specific. Just a passing awareness of performance art, really.
Outstanding use of the slimy tag.
Body heat + Jello = Slimy Tag
Let’s hope Sparky doesn’t have gas…
Get outta my brain!
Well, now we know what Taco brains are made of…makes some kind of sense actually.
Uh, did I miss something?
Did Sparky say anything about breathing either during or after this exercise?
The day Jack Benny’s routine went horribly, horribly wrong.
And thus ends Dwight Schrute’s final attempt at a revenge prank on Jim.
The phrase “Shake that money maker!” means something very different to a Jello Chef.
But officer, I didn’t know Jello shots didn’t involve a real gun…honest!
Let’s see…
1) Strip nekkid
2) Immerse self in Jello
3) ??
4) Profit!
Foolproof.
This plan is foolproof.
It is not, however, Sparkyproof.
So, if you’re neck deep in solidified jello… and then you fart…
Never mind, I don’t want to know.
Jellosplode?
Then you have tapioca.
Heh. “Frog eye pudding”. Heh heh.
I see no way this could possibly go wrong. Well, no way for the chef. Sparky is doomed.
[matt]
You know, I am surprised no one has commented on the fact that this person is speciesist: human jello mold chef. Why does the chef have to be human? Why not a mandrill, or a manatee? If they can make molded gelatin treats, why the discrimination?
[/matt]
And human or not, I’m pretty sure one does not need to be an actual chef to make Jell-O.
I was thinking that, as well.
I think you need a horse to make jello.
Well, since Sparky didn’t, we can collect the words to our whim.
“Human Jello” is going to require cooking down human “hooves” . . .
Ergo, Spark wants Soylent Green jello?
“Mold Chef” does rather suggest a very specific gastronomy . . .
Were it “mould chef” that would be different. “Mould” refers to scribing, carving, or otherwise machining shapes. Which would leave us with “chef” in its Indo-European sense as the precursor to “Chief.” (Our modern use of “chef” to mean “cook” comes from the French title “chef d’Cusine” or head of the kitchen.
Hmm . . . so, sparky wants Hannibal Lecter’s master mould-maker? Nah, that can’t go wrong . . .
I had a dream like this once, ‘cept instead of Sparky it was David Tennant and instead of Jell-o it was chocolate sauce.
Other than that, exactly the same.
Mmm mmm good!
Is it bad that all I can think is, “Dude, I really want to try this at home!”?
I’m torn between wanting pictures and not wanting to know how it turns out.
Yes, it’s bad…
Somebody spank the Monkey!
Is that better or worse than shocking the monkey? Peter Gabriel is on line 1 and wants to know.
Probably depends on whether one uses a Sledge-Hammer, or our more-familiar “Mr. Crowbar.”
I’ll be over in the corner Shaking the Tree.
Ah yes. Nudity, jello, and spankings. That will turn my blue Monday around! 🙂
Go down to Madame Marge’s and ask for a Number Fourteen – if you tell her Ghostie sent you, you’ll get a coupon for five dollars off your next visit.
Ok, after following (even knowing better) the twisted logic of we here, as we speculate on the infinite Gordian knot which is Sparkylogic, well, I have a worry.
That worry is that Sparky has got it in mind to make a “quiet” twin of himself. having priced bulk latex and similar skin-like products, he’s settled upon jello to cast hi doppleganger.
Now, the fact that Sparky wrote the ad as if he is to be cast into jello may reflect a misunderstanding of how one makes mould patterns.
Or Sparky really does want some one to come and Dexter him by drowning in boiling jello.
I really need to think of something other than lost-wax casting Sparkies . . . og, look, Actuarial Statistics! [saved]
Sparky is so wasteful.
Everyone knows you need to keep some jello on hand to smear on the floor, in case the Chicken Heart finds it’s way to your house.
boom-BOOM, boom-BOOM, boom-BOOM!
I heart you, L-squared.
🙂 CJ.
Wait!
It’s not the squooshy, gelatinous kind, is it?
Is he going to be face up or down? Or is he going to be suspended in solution like so many tiny marshmallows?
Those aren’t marshmallows.
Yes.
So… I was thinking. If he would like to be naked, but would also do it in a 20s style bathing suit (ie pretty much clothed) and the chef gets the same money either way, would anyone choose the naked option?!
Unless they have a fantasy about putting a naked person in jello to match his fantasy about being put in jello, I guess. There’s a lid for every pot, they say…
And Rule 34 has been invoked.
Hmmm, I wonder if piranhas can swim in Jello?
*Rubs hands together* Bwahahaha!
Fun with punctuation time!
I, need a human jello. Mold chef?
I need a human, jello mold chef.
I need a human jello, mold chef.
I need.
A human jello;
Mold chef.
I need a, human jello mold. Chef!
I need a human jello mold. Chef!
Much more, to many too list.
Bork bork bork
Wer de jerle moold wit de hooman ceenter und we peoure de jerle inteu der moold und igneer deere screemeen.
Trust the Mexican entree from Wisconsin to turn the Swedish Chef from lovable muppet into a serial killer whose adorableness will haunt my dreams…
I’m a helper!
I need a human
Jello mold chef. I need a
Human jello mold.
I read the ad and never even thought of the boiling water problem. I only thought about the compensation being very generous for the amount of time I figured would be required for this job. Unfortunately, I suppose, there are probably some legal penalties for boiling a person to death.
*flips through massive “Texass Laws & Shit Book “*
Nope, can’t find one here in the Lone Star state.
“Boiling a person” is what we call swimming in the lake in summertime.
Bit more like “stewing” in San Augstine’s lake
See, I saw “composted for your trouble”. Which is very environmentally conscious of Sparky.
Or just mental.
We secretly switched Sparky’s regular jello powder with one that creates high-density ballistics gel. Let’s watch.
“But officer… He needed killin’! He wanted me to pour jello around his nekkid personal parts!!”
Edit: Aaaaand dammit! This was supposed to go under CJ’s “Texass Laws & Shit” remark…
Pretty sure he wants to do some myth busting.
But which myth? I can’t think of one* that would involve this.
*This is probably not a bad thing
I have questions:
Does a pool full of jello smell like cherry or rainbow?
Does a pool full of jello hold a naked man AND a honey badger?
How fast can a naked man move in a pool of jello with a honey badger chasing him?
How many steps does it take before a naked man can walk ON TOP of jello if a honey badger is chasing him?
Mythbusters is welcome to pursue these questions as long as the naked man is Ewan McGregor. Or Nathan Fillion, etc.
Who can catch a sunrise? And pour it around a man?
The jello-man can.
Forty-Two.
They call it mello jello….
/end Corey.
Here, Smedley! Here, Hammy! Come on, boys! Good dogs! Whose a good dog, then! Sit! Stay! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, LeRoy, New York!