YSaC, Vol. 1142: The Final Countdown.
Wanted Hired Goon
Little old lady from semi-rural area near Charlottesville, Virginia seeks younger fellow for assistance in dealing with Verison Wireless internet service.
Candidate should be capable of preforming beatings if needed.
Liberal anti-corporate sentiment strongly preferred.
Physical resemblance to Keith Olbermann major plus.
Need ASAP, before internet access goes out again.
I’ll admit to having felt this way before. Not about Verizon, mind you … about Keith Olbermann.
Sometimes you need a heavy hitter to do your internet service provider dirty work for you. I remember when I found out my mother was still paying for AOL even though she had broadband. It took me a half an hour on the phone with AOL to convince them that no, my mother really didn’t want the “convenience” of AOL dial-up service any more. Keith Olbermann would have been able to do that in 47 seconds, and would have made an analogy to the Huguenots just for good measure.
Thanks, Ted!
First thought: There’s nothing wrong with this ad. It looks like a win.
Second thought: Verison – must be a cheap imitator company. No wonder they’re having problems.
Third thought: This really should be in w4m section. Though why a little old lady wants a Keith Olberman look-alike when her internet access is down is none of my business.
I’m out of thoughts, now.
Thought for LimeLolly: Keith’s naked, flexing, bulging brain cells.
Sorry, all my thoughts have been innoculated against naked, bulging stuff – unless it comes with chocolate and dairy-whipped topping.
P.S. Is it a testament to all these bad CL ads that no one noticed the glaring error of my thoughts? I probably shouldn’t say anything, but the birdseed is as good as sent if you would fix it. 😉
Ummmm. Naked bulging chocolate. Oh yeah.
Verison Wireless is a subsidiary of Derision Wireless. Try calling them up. All they give you is a whole lot of backtalk and criticism.
“Look, I came here for an argument!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, this is abuse.”
” Did you pay for the 5 minute argument or the 30 minute argument? ”
One of my favorites!
No it isn’t!
If she thinks that beatings are still preformed, she must be old. Nowadays, beatings are completely done on site.
By the way, Verizon LTE works great here in the corner.
If whomever she finds is also willing to do the same for AT&T and Time Warner Cable customers, he’ll never lack for work again.
And here I’ve been hiring goons the old-fashioned way – from the ads in the back of Soldier of Fortune. This Internets thing is a marvelous timesaver.
Oh yeah, that’s a typo. It’s actually Venison Wireless. The catering is ok, but the customer service… she may just be beating a dead horse.
You have to do that, to tenderize it.
Running it over with your car works, too.
I kind of like the idea of hoisting it up on a tetherball pole and beating it like a piñata until all the good candy spills out.
I think that only works with Canadians.
I had a biology teacher in High School who got a deer carcass from the physics teacher who had hit it with his car. She hoisted the carcass on to the top of the building thinking she would just let it rot and get picked clean. Not only that, she hoisted it up onto the cafeteria roof. This was after the physics teacher dissected it for his class. As you can guess, the deer did not take up residence on the cafeteria roof for long. I laughed my head off after I felt sick for awhile.
Ghostcat, this might apply here, since Canadians use “s” instead of “z” in most spelling cases… Canadian Verizon = Verison?
And Llama, I had a high school biology teacher who liked to start off the lesson with what wild forest animal he’d hunted down and eaten the previous day. Which in suburban Ontario added up to quite a lot of squirrels, a few raccoons, skunks, grackles, rabbits, and possum. He never saved us the carcasses though.
I’m rather surprised mudsy didn’t say she liked the idea of hoisting it up over a swingset and beating it.
Going through the archives to see what I’ve missed in a year. Hope no one minds.
EDIT: Sorry, Cap’n. Didn’t scroll down far enough.
If it’s wireless venison, how to you attach it to the swingset before bedazzling the hooves?
DuckDeer tape.Or eating a dead horse.
I actually had Venison Wireless for a while. I had to buck up on them to get out of the contract. I hope deer Grannie has better luck.
Maybe having a hart to hart or fawning over them would have cervid you better.
I like to give them a does of their own medicine, myself. Make them stag-ger a bit. Better than Bambeating around the bush.
We already know how this ended…
Grandma got run over by Venison Wireless
Comin’ home from Charlottesville, VA
You may say there’s no customer service
But as for me and Keith Olbermann, we agree
Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
My name is penguin and I approve this ad.
See, I think Olbermann is a poor choice. What with all those electrical malfunctions in his legs and such. I’m afraid those twitches would shoot right up to his trigger finger and old Ms. Wossname here would be handling a whole ‘nother bag of issues far and away more serious than simple Internet wonkiness….like perhaps the loss of her entire head. That sooooooo puts a crimp in ‘Net surfing.
Not from what I’ve seen of the cheeseburger cats’ comment section.
Ghostie – I believe the same results are achieved by having a brainectomy, but I’ll have to check with my
neronarrowbrain surgeon friends.I luvz cheeseburger cats. I now haz a hurtz feelingz.
One time when my Grandmother was having one of those monologues at the table that revolve around people you don’t know whose names she can’t remember but they had some horrible procedure or sickness, my Mother and I concluded it was possible to have a head-ectomy.
The Jon Stewart model doesn’t actually beat anyone up, but the business goes under a few weeks later.
Hmm, get Mr. Stewart to have Mr Corzine made CEO of Verison . . . ?
WHICH… of THESE stories… willyoubetalkingabout… TOMORROW?
SCANDAL! outside of Charlottesville, where the community turns on an older lady’s new handsome, smart younger man?
Town leaders seek to quell the uprising through internet censorship. We’ll talk to David Shuster on the ground in the town.
Can you hear me now? No? Good! Verizon corporate leaders implicated in first-amendment trampling. We’ll get John Dean’s reaction.
Repression? Did local leaders pay Verizon to shut their office, and administer beatings to those who do manage to find their unmarked new building. Michael Moore weighs in.
In Worsts, Verizon, Verizon, and… some old lady you’ve never heard of?
All that and Richard Lewis, TONIGHT, on…. OH GOD NO PLEASE NOT THE SLEDGEHAMMER AGAIN
They just gossip because they’re jealous. Old biddies.
Dave Shuster. I think you’ll find him over at CNN…or was that the BBC….or Al Jazeera?
His name should have been spelled SHUSHter!!!
Or Shoester.
Spot on Keith, Irregular Fractal! Spot on!
By the way I consider this post a craigslist win 🙂
Isn’t there a preference on your computer to adjust the verizontal resolution?
I think you’re thinking of the horidiagonal knob there, Ralph.
No, no, no. The Verizontal is a bridge in NY.
The Verizoontal Narrows are a tricky navigational area.
The neat tide makes a rip toed Eddie that is almost a vor-Tex.
I was told they only have vor-Texes [vor-Texii?] in Texas.
And I guess they’re really, really big!
Eddie’s in the timestream!
So what happens when Grandma gets a vorText? I’m cornfused.
Well, if it’s near the bend below the Verizontal Narrows, the area known as the “gut”–you need three or four of the most powerful (and expensive) tug boats on the river for the couple hours it will take to haul your ship out of there.
Unless you are really, really luck and run aground or sink, in which case the insurance, Coast Guard, and NTSB goons take over.
You went to school to learn good
things you never knew before
like I before U except after lunch
and why 2 plus 2 makes kibble
now, now, now
Im gonna teach them, teach them, teach them
all about my goon, all about pain
sit yourself down, take a seat
all you gotta do is repeat after me
ISP easy as 1 2 3
It’s simple you break their knee
ISP 1 2 3
beat them for me
ISP easy as 1 2 3
It’s simple you break their knee
ISP 1 2 3
beat them for me
Keith Olbermann has Huguenots? Who knew?
Keith Olbermann….Isn’t he that British actor who played Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy? He’d be terrifying!!!!
I keep wanting to pronounce that huge nuts. I’m going to get even more strange looks whenever Keith Olberman’s name is mentioned.
Thanks, Bianchi Sound. Mission accomplished.
You’re welcome. As missions go, that was a hard on.
[o/t on getting ‘free’ of aol’s tentacles]
This is actually possible–after three lawsuits and subpena beyond enumeration.
But, you have to ‘sneak up’ on them.
First, change the payment method to some limited form of remuneration–like a pre-paid card with a limited remaining balance, like $40-50.
Second, change the “purchase level’ down only one step.
A week later, decrease the level one more step.
Repeat a week later.
Spend 80% of the balance on the card.
Then, change to the “free” level of membership.
Now, you get rebated the differences in billing for each level change. Also, they cannot bill you for the “free” membership (their billing software as much as laws of the several States applying).
If mom still liked the email service (and there is much to be said for their proprietary POP3), it’s still available. It’s just free. And, can be “gotten to” by way of a web browser, or by the traditional aol interface–so, nothing new need be learnt.
Hope that helps any.
[/off-topic]
Eh, the whole thing happened five years ago or more, and while it took a half an hour on the phone, it finally did get taken care of.
I want to meet this woman, she has the right strategy. If she finds a good goon, I could hire him next. The Keith Olbermann thing doesn’t matter to me though. I prefer my goons to be like Lou Ferrigno in the hulk but with less slo mo and bad haircuts.
Lou Ferrigno in chocolate with whipped dairy topping?
Dave, tell the truth. Did the ferret write that song for you? Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, bzzzzt hiss crackle, Can you hear me now?