YSaC, Vol. 1230: Spring cleaning in the Garden of Eden.

2012 April 13

snake


I am giving away my snake and my wife and I resent fears and married, the gift you

I … what? Is this whole thing a euphemism for something? I’ve heard teenage girls talk about giving their “gift” to someone very special, but those were usually the girls who would give their gift to the second-string tight end when he opened a particularly recalcitrant bag of Doritos for them.

And then there’s the snake. Metaphorical Snake is my Iron Butterfly cover band. Past that, I’m not entirely sure what the snake is representing. I mean, it could be man’s inhumanity to man, but … that’s actually plausible.

The meaning of this changes dramatically depending on where you mentally place a comma. Is it:

I am giving away my snake, and my wife and I ...

or

I am giving away my snake and my wife, and I ...

This whole thing just sounds like the computer at the fortune cookie factory had a massive fortune-printing malfunction, and that there are thousands of dry crumbly cookies with nonsensical ramblings. In other words, things are perfectly normal.

Thanks, Jesse!

P.S.: In case you were wondering, this anagrams to I am a dismaying, envy-making few way guy, it of refined and terminated harasser.

60 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 April 13

    Sparky Spambot was never able to recreate the success of his first Modernist novel, Beauty Filled with Spice Christ.

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 April 13

      For those of us without perfect memories, which Dave and his ferrets apparently have, here’s where Spice Christ came from.

      Adores: 4
  2. 2012 April 13
    CapnMac permalink

    And thus opens the latest epic from hollyweird: Friday the 13th; the Return of Larry the Cable Guy . . .

    Adores: 1
  3. 2012 April 13
    kelli permalink

    Words to put hard together are Sparky for.

    Adores: 2
  4. 2012 April 13

    It’s probably in your pants.

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 April 13
      Lola permalink

      Pecil.

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 April 13
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      (o/t storytime!)

      We’ve had a small cold snap here in middle TN, and the weather reporters have warned everyone to cover gardens and flowers the past few nights. Mini Monkey and I were on the way to work/school yesterday morning and the announcer on the radio said he hoped everyone remembered to cover up their “tomato pants”. We laughed all the way into town about little red tomatoes wearing teeny little britches. And we decided if tomatoes wore pants they would be green and blue plaid. The pants. Not the tomatoes.

      (done!)

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 April 13

        I left all my plants uncovered to the cold. Let only the strong survive to spread their progeny upon my yard!

        Plus it’s less work to let my spring bulbs fend for themselves.

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 13
          wanda permalink

          Good for you. Don’t let them be damn pansies!

          (no…not a homophobic slur; just flower joke)

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 April 13

          I don’t know, pansies around here are pretty hard-core. They come back even after spraying them with herbicide.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 13
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Better a pansy than a pussy-willow.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 13
          P-rex permalink

          Well, they’re not glutens for punishment.

          (no… not a misspelling; just a flour pun)

          Adores: 3
  5. 2012 April 13
    camille permalink

    The post ends in mid-sentence, suggesting he was eaten by zomb

    Or, perhaps, by the snake.

    Adores: 0
  6. 2012 April 13
    grumpy grammy permalink

    Let me help by adding punctuation and completing the final sentence:

    I am giving away my snake and my wife. And I resent fears. And I married the gift you gave me after my last listing on craigslist.

    The only thing is, I’m not sure to whom he resent his fears; that sentence is also incomplete.

    Adores: 6
  7. 2012 April 13

    Snake, by Sparky McSparkleson

    I am giving

    away my snake!

    and

    my wife!

    and I!

    resent fears

    and married the gift!

    you!

    I think we may be overlooking poetic genius* here.

    *I’m about 99% certain this is not true.

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 April 13

      I was hearing Shatner in my head as I read this one.

      Adores: 8
      • 2012 April 13

        I was hearing Rodney Dangerfield…

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 13
          Sheeple permalink

          I said to my wife, “Let’s have sex like animals”. She said, “Ok, I’ll be a possum.”

          I said to her, “What’s your favorite position?”. She said, “Back-to-back.”

          I said to my wife, “Would you like to have sex in the back of the car?” She said, “Sure. You drive.”

          Adores: 3
      • 2012 April 13
        funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

        Once again, I hear Pee Wee Herman.

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 13
          wanda permalink

          Nyuk nyuk…you said “pee wee”

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 13
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          I love me some Pee Wee (Herman, that is). I’ve been threatening to get him as a ring tone. I have the Geico piggy squealing wee wee wee as my ring tone now. It offends everyone. Heh. That was my plan.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 April 13

          My ringtone is the original Adam-12 opening dispatcher call. It can have humorous consequences. As CJ says:

          Storytime!

          My frequent attire is jeans, black shirt, black jacket and black cowboy boots. I wear my phone clipped to my belt. I am not a lover of the meandering shopping trip, so when I shop, I tend to be serious in pursuit of my written list of items. I want to get in, get my items and get out.

          One day, as I was trying to make my way through a crowded aisle at my local W*lm*rt, my phone rang. Since I had it on loud, the following pierced the air: “1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12, 415 in progress, man with a gun…” I answered quickly, saying: “Yep, yep, got it” and closed my phone. I looked up. The aisle cleared. Best. Shopping. Trip. Ever.

          Adores: 6
  8. 2012 April 13

    Did you get that feeling of being alone and afraid? No? Let me resend it.

    Adores: 4
  9. 2012 April 13
    wanda permalink

    (true story)I have a true fear of plumbing snakes. My ex-husband used to love to tell me when he was “snaking the drains” (or is that a eupemism?)

    That said, I don’t mind real snakes at all. However I did hear him scream like a girl in the back yard whence a garter snake he did encounter.

    My name has been changed for safety purposes. Also, I love A Fish Called Wanda.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 13
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      This spring whilst working in the flower beds a lizard I did encounter, betwixt two stones when I moved them to make room for my tender, budding flowers.

      I gave such a shout that our dear elderly neighbor, a matron of at least eighty winters, answered my shout with one of her own, while clutching her bosom. She was also tending to her garden, an extravagant and eclectic mix of sweet william, bachelor’s buttons, and something she identified as Neely’s Knickers.

      After assuring that the gentlewoman’s health was not adversely affected (and that her lawyer she would not be thrusting upon us) I returned to my drawing room in my home, where I sampled my husband’s brandy, trying to conquer my own vapors.* **

      *I’m writing all fancy like cause Wanda started it when she threw out “whence”.

      **This is a true story.***

      ***Well, except for the brandy (we’re beer and Jack people) and Neely’s Knickers.

      Adores: 8
      • 2012 April 13
        wanda permalink

        Wow! I wish I threw in a “whilst” and a few other purdy words. You spin a nice garden tale!

        Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 13
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Between the lizard scaring the snot out of me and my heart leaping out of my chest when neighbor lady screamed because MY scream scared her, I gave it up for the day. I just went inside and opened a beer and had a good cry.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 13
          Tankerbell permalink

          I liked the part where the lawyer was thrusting upon us. But then, I’m pervy like that. And a lawyer.

          Adores: 5
  10. 2012 April 13

    snake

    ——————————————————————————–

    I am giving away my 1000 Nagas and my wife, Kadru and I resent fears and married, the gift you

    Please contact, Kashyapa

    Adores: 1
  11. 2012 April 13

    Off-topic question: How did I fit 4 comments in the box?

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 April 13
      Digitalaxis permalink

      Elbow grease and elastic supports?

      Adores: 0
    • 2012 April 13

      PAM!

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 April 13
        Tankerbell permalink

        I wish I had 2 doors; one for the comment and one for “spider pants”

        Adores: 1
      • 2012 April 13
        P-wears no spidey pants-rex permalink

        Hammy, You look mahvelous in those.

        Adores: 0
    • 2012 April 13

      My apologies to everyone in the box; I just Poed in it.

      Adores: 9
    • 2012 April 13
      wanda permalink

      Maybe cut down on the showtunes and epic poetry. Not that I don’t find it coffee snort-worthy, and utterly creative…OK…I’m damned jealous of everyone who can rattle off a rhyme, limeric, take-off on a Broadway tune, or whatever before I even have milk in my coffee. There. I said it.

      I has a envy moment

      Adores: 3
  12. 2012 April 13
    Digitalaxis permalink

    I to understand am the giving, dharma and

    Adores: 0
  13. 2012 April 13
    Lola permalink

    Maybe Snake is a person (I think I’ve met a guy or two named Snake, actually … they are the type who have no visible means of income) and Sparkles here is trying to get rid of a guest who overstayed his welcome. Mrs. Sparkles is resentful of this state of affairs, particularly as Snake was given to them as a wedding present, and Mrs. Sparkles wants to return or exchange him, particlularly after he took his Harley apart in the dinning room (you know the Sparkles have a dinning room, decorated in French Pervertional, especially when Snake is staying there and brings home “new friends”) without putting down a tarp first.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 13
      tigprincess permalink

      Lola, you need to get out more! I know it’s Friday 13th but just be brave … I’ll metaphorically hold your hand.

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 April 13
        Lola permalink

        Thank you, tig! I’d be here every day if I weren’t required to toil. I am glad to be able to toil but sad when it takes me away from my favorite snarkers.

        Adores: 0
    • 2012 April 13
      CapnMac permalink

      Gypsies in the Palace perhaps . . . ?
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdWBZKRHkjY

      Adores: 0
  14. 2012 April 13
    Ralph permalink

    Sparky needs to be more specific; is this a corn snake or an anaconda? I need to know if I have a chester draws big enough to hold it.

    I assume the free wife will fit in an armwhore, but snakes are easier to care for (and quieter), unless the wife also eats frozen rats.

    Adores: 0
    • 2012 April 13

      What do you mean? African or European snake?

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 April 13
        wanda permalink

        Swallow.

        They brought my coconuts.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 April 13
          One Moving Violation permalink

          Aaaaah!
          She grabbed my coconuts and then she ran away!

          Adores: 1
  15. 2012 April 13
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Is that mongoose still living under the snarkalounger? He’ll fix that snake.

    *covers eyes*

    Adores: 1
  16. 2012 April 13
    Not-a-[resentful] Lion permalink

    Like at first I thought he resented his fears or his wife or his snake. I mean like fear his wife and his wife fears his snake. you know? But then grammy said like I wonder to whom he resent his fears and then I thought, oh, and then like that might make more sense, but then like maybe Sparky misspelled recent because he was afraid of losing his snake so soon. And then like [matt] you guys[/matt] like you know were all…like pi or something and Sparky probably worked real hard on this and we’re talking about his [corey] snake [/corey] here.
    You understand don’t you? You know, like really understand?

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 April 13

      It’s like we’re soul mates and stuff! You said exactly like what I was like thinking! You know?

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 April 13
        Not-a-[resentful] Lion permalink

        Well, like since CJ did an Ozzy impersonation, I thought I would do his daughter, Heather.

        Heh, I said “do his daughter”.

        Adores: 2
  17. 2012 April 13
    CapnMac permalink

    [matte]You, you, meanies! This is obviously a simple auto-cowreck speeling error; lookit:
    I am giving away my SNOPES and my VILLA and I present SPEARS and MARBLED, the gift EWE.

    Obvious!
    [/matte]

    Adores: 1
  18. 2012 April 13
    Tankerbell permalink

    *taps knife on glass*

    I would just like to say that, much as I always enjoy the titles of the posts (when I’m cool enough to get the references), I thought todays title particularly inspired.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 13
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Yes, well, My spring is emaculately clean in the Garden of Discoteque. Along with my flashy disco balls.

      Yeah, I’ll be in the Corner this ev’nin’, cleaning.

      Adores: 1
  19. 2012 April 13
    christina permalink

    This is the worst thinly veiled request for a threesome I have seen in a while.

    Adores: 3
  20. 2012 April 14

    Dave, Ferret Tribe, MandaB, Thong Boy, CJ, turn your heads and Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Tennessee!

    Adores: 0
  21. 2013 April 13

    Awesome redux inside of a redux! Too bad I will be out most of the day. I must be off.

    Adores: 0
    • 2013 April 13
      camille permalink

      Well, we’re all a little off around here.

      Adores: 2
  22. 2013 April 13
    DigitalAxis permalink

    If you resent marriage, I doubt I want your wife.

    Adores: 1

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