YSaC, Vol. 1260: Spent my money, took my car.

2012 May 25

Everybody dreams of writing the Great American Screenplay(tm), right? Well, what better way to get some great feedback than to post your magnum opus on Craigslist? I’m sure we can all help this person(?) out, can’t we?

fdsfyt# 1996 Chevrolet #jhgjg## – $1400


She offers a sad smile and leaves without the cash. 49 INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM — NIGHT 49 Luke lies in the crook of his father’s arm, his own arms full of penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum. John reads him a letter, the yellow

Great IMPALA SS.More info and pics available by request.

nd Opossumy. Lots and lots of love, Mommy. (beat) You gonna giv

I liked the part with the Opossumy. What was YOUR favorite part?

Thanks, Michael!

75 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 May 25
    CapnMac permalink

    I have nothing cogent to say; please find attached something witty with a mix of pop-culture references in equal parts ‘cool’ and witty.

    Adores: 7
  2. 2012 May 25
    kelli permalink

    I was shocked by the twist ending.

    Adores: 18
    • 2012 May 25

      I thought the penguins delivered a powerful performance, but the turtles were just phoning it in.

      Adores: 16
      • 2012 May 25

        I thought that the pig was hamming it up.

        Adores: 8
      • 2012 May 25
        funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

        I enjoyed the musical number in the middle. I just can’t get enough Lady Gaga!

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25

          Monkey, that wasn’t really her, but a very talented transexual black dog. But I agree, his performance was Fabulous!

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          I know, that black dog?
          The way he moved?
          He made me sweat
          He made me groove.

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 25

          SQUEE! Zeppelin! SQUEE!

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25

          Zeppelin, as sung by Gordon Lightfoot.

          You’re welcome.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Aaaaaah! No! You evil, evil but tasty ethnic treat!

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 May 25
        kelli permalink

        The part with the Spanish Inquistion? No one was expecting it!

        Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 27
          Chaos "On the corner of Gallifrey and My Mind", NC permalink

          [corey] Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition! [/corey]

          Edit: Yahoo! Pink quilt, and four ninjeestars. ‘Cause, ya’know… Ninjas….

          Adores: 0
    • 2012 May 25
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Meh, The Sopranos did the cutoff mid-sentence and fade to black first.

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 May 25

        Everyone is always saying that the Sopranos did it first. But what about the zom-

        Adores: 5
      • 2012 May 25
        One Moving Violation permalink

        and the Altoids did it minty.

        Adores: 0
  3. 2012 May 25

    If your car has become opossumy, there’s a spray you can get at Pep Boys to take care of that.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 May 25
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      I don’t know. “Opossumy” sounds like it needs one of those sprays that’s advertised to make you feel fresh, like a summer’s eve.

      Adores: 4
      • 2012 May 25

        Why on earth would anyone want a spray that makes you feel hot, sticky, and covered in biting insects?

        Adores: 17
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          All right now, Ghostie, you’re making me all itchy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25

          Somebody get the louse comb! Monkey needs to be groomed.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25
          CapnMac permalink

          Same people who buy fox urine to “cover up” their human scent while hunting, probably.
          (Riding in a vehicle which has had a spill of this product is under-fun at best, and beyond description–beyond even Dante–at its worst)

          Adores: 7
        • 2012 May 25
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Did someone say lice?

          Adores: 1
  4. 2012 May 25
    The Other Dave permalink

    Personally, I would have counselled her to leave with the cash, there’s no reason for the penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum to get more than they deserve.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25
      Lou Stool permalink

      No, dude, you’ve got it all wrong. She left without the cash because Luke’s dad’s arm is a crook. Keep your eye on those penguins, kid.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 May 25
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        And Careful with That Axe, Eugene.

        Adores: 3
      • 2012 May 25
        CapnMac permalink

        Wait, Luke’s dad, Darth, or Luke’s dad, Anarkin?

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Wait- I thought Anarkin was the dad in Edward Scissorhands?

          Adores: 1
  5. 2012 May 25

    The best part of that play was when Horatio Bophante realized that the ghost he was talking to turned out to be the doll all along.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 May 25
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I didn’t even realize the doll was played by Kevin Bacon until the second act.

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 May 25
        CapnMac permalink

        Mr Bacon has matured into quite the talented and multi-dimensional actor . . .

        Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 25

          I think he’s up to three whole emotions now.

          Adores: 6
  6. 2012 May 25

    Jethro!
    Go help Granny she’s just come back from the general store and her arms are full of penguins, turtles, a black dog and an opossum.
    Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell doggy, Opossumy stew for dinner Mmmmmmmm Mmmmmmm!

    Adores: 5
  7. 2012 May 25
    Gary permalink

    I believe the correct term is “the interior is Opossumy fresh”.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25

      What opossumy fresh hell is this?

      Adores: 7
      • 2012 May 25

        Who wants stale hell, ewwww.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 May 25

          Expired Hell is IF’s Spoiled Rotten death metal cover band.

          Adores: 3
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          *sniffs, sticks nose in air*

          We only purchase the freshest Hell. I buy my family’s Hell at a place on the upper West Side*, you’ve probably never heard of it. And I won’t tell you, cause then it would no longer be cool.

          *Upper West Side of Opossum Holler, that is.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25

          I was at a dinner party the other day and they used CANNED Hell! I couldn’t believe it, I told their chef off and then stormed out of there.

          I don’t care that Hell is out of season in May. If you can’t get it fresh, then don’t serve it I say!

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 25
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Sounds like the party I was at, where they served the revenge dish LUKEWARM! Some people’s kids, tsk tsk tsk.

          Adores: 2
  8. 2012 May 25

    It’s nice to hear that Luke has a new father who lets him sleep in his arms and have lots of pets. Way nicer than that Vader guy.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 May 25
      Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham permalink

      Do you know who I am?

      Adores: 8
      • 2012 May 25

        It’s Jeff Vader! He runs the Death Star!

        Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 25
          Bombdude permalink

          I thought he ran the 7-11?

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25
          CapnMac permalink

          Wait, I thought he operated the Chronically-ill-Star–
          Or is that Ignacio Vader?

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 25
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Death by Tray it is then.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 May 25

          Set phasers to “Sudden Interest in Botany!”

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25
          One Moving Violation permalink

          If its the ultimate power in the universe, it’s the Tax Star.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 25
          Brer Fox permalink

          Didn’t the rebellion convert the Death Star to the Death Nova?

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 25
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          I think they called it Deep Space Five, right? Or Babylon 9? I get those all confused.

          Adores: 0
      • 2012 May 25
        Brer Fox permalink

        “Do you know who I am?”

        Yeah, you’re Garth Nader, you drive a windstar.

        Adores: 2
  9. 2012 May 25
    DigitalAxis permalink

    It’s not often you see someone audacious enough to abbreviate Shakespeare’s immortal catchphrase, “For Denmark’s Sire, For Ye Throat!”

    Adores: 2
  10. 2012 May 25
    Moment permalink

    One of my professors this past year joked that he would give us extra credit if we managed to use “opossum” in the title of our research paper (which, by the way, was about social psychology). As far as I know, no one actually tried it. Now I’m wondering if it would have been possible after all!

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 May 25

      Playing opossum to avoid participation in the classroom: a look at elementary school academic shame and introversion.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25
      CapnMac permalink

      Opossum: A Marsupial Strategy for Supportive Care in a Public-School Environment.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Overcoming Peer Opposition: Socialization Strategies of Urban Marsupials.

      Adores: 9
      • 2012 May 25
        funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

        I see what you did there.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25

          That’s one sneaky Duck.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 25
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          At the office, I’m known as the person to come to for cleverly-acronymable project names. (Space themes often result.) Well played, Duck. Well played.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 25

          At my office, I’m known as the person to come to for safety pins.

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 25
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          No safety pins here, but I am the person they come to for the Safety Dance.

          Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      Opossums Trapped In Squirrels’ Bodies: The Agony of Ostracization.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 25

      Ahh, that reminds me of the last line of the paper I did on filtering for my electronic signals course:

      “The Butterworth filter, though it has a slower roll-off than the Chebychev, is an important filter for applications that require signal ripple to be minimized. Indeed, the Butterworth filter is truly worth it’s weight in butter.”

      I got two extra credit points and a comment from the professor along the lines of: “You’ve obviously been paying attention to the puns I’ve used in class.”

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 May 25

      There’s a competition in which people have to sneak certain phrases into peer-reviewed publications. In 2010 the phrase was “I smoke crack rocks.” In 2011 it was getting “Dirty Old Man” into the author entry.

      http://phdchallenge.org/awards

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 May 25
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        I know more than a few professors who really should just change their name to that anyhow…

        Adores: 0
  11. 2012 May 25
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Growing up, my mom had a 1964 Impala. My dad had a 1963 Impala.

    Chevrolet should have retired the name in the ’60s.

    Adores: 1
  12. 2012 May 25
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    Mommy (beat) will be back for the cash when she needs a new black turtleneck and matching beret. Bongos ain’t cheap, y’know.

    Adores: 1
  13. 2012 May 25
    Ralph permalink

    [corey] In case you want to know the real ending, here’s the rest of the script. [/corey]

    The opossumy was OK, but I REALLY liked the part with the fdsfyt##jhgjg##!!! You can never have enough hashtags.

    Adores: 1
  14. 2012 May 25
    wanda permalink

    Lots and lots of love, Mommy. (beat)

    I loved Mommy Dearest…”No wire hangers!”

    Adores: 3
  15. 2012 May 25

    And the shell lived mintily ever after.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2012 May 25
    One Moving Violation permalink

    This is just plain wrong.
    Arming an impala with penguins is just weird. Sure, penguins are slow and easier for the impala’s predators to catch, but penguins are not native to the savannah. Even though it might be fun watching an impala flinging penguins at a cheetah, it’s just wrong. The black dog? Well that would depend on the size and breed of the dog wouldn’t it? If we’re talking pomeranian, well, that’s just an appetizer. Now maybe a chow might be able to take on a cheetah, I’m not sure, but an impala would have a hard time tossing one very far. An opossum is easily flingable, but an opossums tendency toward feinting would scarcely draw a cheetah’s attention, and get its opossumy self eaten by a hyena. The best armament on the list for an impala would be a turtle. Small enough to fling and an accurate enough fling could stop a cheetah in its tracks. Also, the turtle has effective self defence, so could be used several times, or several turtles could be installed on the hide of the impala like armor plating. And if they were ninja turtles, well, can you imagine the possibilities there?

    Adores: 3
  17. 2012 May 26

    CJ, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Punchity Punch Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Hootin’ Holler!

    Adores: 0
  18. 2012 June 6
    fpelayo permalink

    So spambots are now used car salesmen too? 😛

    Adores: 0
  19. 2012 June 18
    Emma permalink

    I don’t even…. I honestly don’t even understand any of it except the asking price and year,

    Adores: 0

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