YSaC, Vol. 1675: Crosstown Traffic

2014 March 10
tags:
by dan

Hey there! Do you want a job? Do you like numbers? Do you not care if the numbers are in any particular order? Then we’ve got something for you!

Field Traffic Data Technician


Field Traffic Data Technician (Part Time)

Compensation: approximately $15.00 per hour (plus gas, motel and other expenses)

Are you looking for supplemental income? Do you enjoy traveling and
working outdoors?

We are seeking responsible, experienced and motivated individuals to
join our field staff in [location]. Field Technicians are
responsible for collecting and reporting vehicular, pedestrian and
bicycle traffic information using different equipment and techniques
such as electronic hand-held devices and tube-based, road installed
automatic counters as well as other technologies. Basic training will
be provided but you must be able to grasp concepts quickly and be good
with technology.

Minimum Requirements:
- Ability to perform labor intensive field work.
- Must have your own car and clean driving record.
- Must have your own computer (PC not Mac) with high speed internet connection.
- Must have your own cell phone.
- Strong knowledge of computers, including Microsoft Word and Excel.
- Ability to read, translate maps and travel within 50 – 100 miles on
daily basis.
- Must be able to accept single-day and multi-day projects on very
short notice (e.g. 24hrs). Multi-day projects may require overnight
stay in various cities for up to 1-2 weeks.
- Good communication skills and detail oriented.

Preferred Requirements:
- Preference will be shown to candidates with experience in the same
or similar field. – Technically minded, with problem solving skills
and a willingness to learn.
- Ability to adapt to varying job conditions.
- Highly reliable, hard working and motivated.

To Apply: Send your resume in Word or PDF format to
########@yahoo.com. Subject line of your email must be [location].

You must also copy, paste and answer the following questions in the
body of your email. Submissions without a completed questioner will be
rejected.

FIRST NAME:
LAST NAME:
PHONE (CELL:
PHONE (HOME):
EMAIL:
ZIP CODE WHERE YOU RESIDE:

7. Do you have a car?

8. Do you have a cell phone?

11. Do you have a PC (Not MAC)? If yes, what operating system?

9. Do you have a clean driving record? If not, please explain. E.G.
Accident, Speeding Ticket, DUI, ETC:

13. Do you have any experience with construction type work? Please explain.

10. Have you ever been convicted of any criminal activity?

1. Are you currently employed? If yes, part time or full time? If no,
how long have you been unemployed?

3. What is the highest education level you’ve completed?

4. What was your annual salary in 2009?

5. What is your expected income for 2010? [Note: this ad was submitted to us in 2010 - we're just a little behind]

6. If hired, are you available to start ASAP?

2. How many hours per week can you dedicate to this job?

3. Are you comfortable traveling long distances (100-200 miles) and
staying in various motels to complete various projects?

How much advance notice do you require to be able to take on short
distance projects (no overnight stay required)?

How much advance notice do you require to be able to work on long
distance projects (overnight stay required)?

12. How would you rate your computer skills (1-10, 10 being an expert)?

14. How long have you resided in [location]?

15. How familiar are you with [location] streets and highways (1-10)?

16. Do you use a GPS or map to find your way around when driving?

17. Do you prefer to work indoors (office environment) or outdoors?

Clearly the correct answers to these questions are yes, yes, yes, no, maybe, 27, a badger, “Electric Ladyland,” Dick Cavett, a raft of penguins, and April 3rd, 1972.

In that order.

Thanks for the submission, Onna, hope you’re still reading!

25 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 March 10

    e. What is your name?

    i. What is your quest?

    π. What is your expected income for 2010?

    If I do or don’t get this job?

    I don’t know. Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!

    Adores: 11
    • 2014 March 10
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Chartreuse is my answer.

      Adores: 0
  2. 2014 March 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    But if the questions provided by the questioner are incomplete, how will I ever not be rejected by completing the incomplete questionnaire?

    Adores: 3
  3. 2014 March 10
    Brer Fox permalink

    Could you ask me 3 more questions? I like nice round numbers like 10, 20, and pi.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 March 10
      Brer Fox permalink

      18. Where did you get those shoes?

      19. If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how much does a pound of Swiss cheese weigh?

      20. Is it shorter to [location] than it is by train?

      There, that’s better.

      Adores: 5
      • 2014 March 10
        nojazzhere permalink

        “…how much does a pound of Swiss cheese weigh?”…..

        African Swiss cheese or European Swiss cheese?……..

        Adores: 6
  4. 2014 March 10

    I actually used to work with a guy who had briefly been a “Field Traffic Data Technician”.

    Know what he did all day?

    Counted cars, trucks, vans, bikes, etc. as they passed through an intersection.

    Counted. Cars.

    All. Damned. Day. Every. Damned. Day.

    He had a nervous tic.

    I don’t wonder.

    Adores: 10
    • 2014 March 10
      One Moving Violation permalink

      It’s better if they pass through a portal out of…
      … The Construction Zone!

      Adores: 4
    • 2014 March 10
      One Moving Violation permalink

      I found out counting cars is illegal. This one time, in Vegas, the dealer put a pair of Corollas in front of me and the guy next to me had a Cadillac and a Moped. The dealer was showing a Corvette and a Hummer. I split the Corollas then the dealer put a PT Cruiser with one Corolla and I said “hit me”…
      … so after I put a raw steak over my left eye, the dealer offered me another car. Well, I knew there were a lot of Porsches in the lot so I took the car and it was a 911. “Hah! I knew it!”…I should have kept my mouth shut. They tossed me out of the dealership and took away my steak.

      Adores: 6
      • 2014 March 10
        zero.nada.none. permalink

        A-HA!…..OMV is Rainman!!!!

        Adores: 3
        • 2014 March 10
          One Moving Violation permalink

          I’m an excellent driver.

          Adores: 2
    • 2014 March 10
      One Moving Violation permalink

      He had a nervous tic.

      I was bit by a tic once, and I got Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. I was in the hospital for a week and I missed the Car Show.

      If you were to give him a mellow tac, he would have been minty.

      Adores: 4
      • 2014 March 10
        Hugo permalink

        I once had a tic make me nervous as she was crawling on my tac.
        Sped her off as quickly as possible and didn’t wait to find out if she was minty or not.

        Adores: 1
    • 2014 March 10
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      I actually used to work with a guy who had briefly been a “Field Traffic Data Technician”. Know what he did all day? Counted cars, trucks, vans, bikes, etc. as they passed through an intersection.

      Yep, several friends of mine also briefly held this job back when we were all in our twenties and single (which was elebenty brazillion years ago). In fact I believe “briefly” is the only way anyone ever holds it.

      Of course there were no PCs or cell phones back then, and I don’t recall any short notice travel to romantic motel destinations either. There may or may not have been tubes involved, but I seem to recall it was mostly standing on overpasses with a hand-held clicker. Which explains the need for questions 3 through 3.

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 March 10

        Triple D – Pretty sure the ad here is…ahem…”embellished”…because, who the hell is going to take a job counting cars? I mean, unless they’re blue, and part of Dishwalla.

        Adores: 3
        • 2014 March 10

          Well this ad does ask many questions, like children often do.

          [questions not pictured]:

          8a. Tell me all your thoughts on God? Because I’d really like to meet her.

          34. Ask her why we’re who we are?

          11. So tell me am I very far, am I very far now?

          Adores: 3
  5. 2014 March 10

    This sounds like the dream job for anyone who loved playing the license plate game on car trips as a kid.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 March 10
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      This sounds like the perfect job for an unskilled psychopathic serial killer who likes a wide home territory.

      Adores: 1
  6. 2014 March 10
    Windrose permalink

    6. If hired, are you available to start ASAP?

    2. How many hours per week can you dedicate to this job?

    3. Are you comfortable traveling long distances (100-200 miles) and
    staying in various motels to complete various projects?

    How much advance notice do you require to be able to take on short
    distance projects (no overnight stay required)?

    How much advance notice do you require to be able to work on long
    distance projects (overnight stay required)?

    12. How would you rate your computer skills (1-10, 10 being an expert)?

    14. How long have you resided in [location]?

    Well, the numbering explains EVERYTHING! You will be working for cats.

    Adores: 7
    • 2014 March 10
      camille permalink

      Will Work for Cats is IF’s Pussycat Dolls cover band.

      Adores: 4
  7. 2014 March 10
    Ralph permalink

    How can you work 9 to 5 if 13 is stuck in the middle instead of 2?

    Adores: 4
  8. 2014 March 10
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    A Raft of Penguins is my A Flock of Seagulls cover band.
    Not to be confused with Rockhopper Flotilla, my Styx cover band.

    Adores: 3
  9. 2014 March 10
    windrose permalink

    Ducky, mudsy, Dave, and camille. You’re all in this together. Punchity Punch Punch.

    Good lord, what happened to the morning?

    Adores: 1
    • 2014 March 10
      One Moving Violation permalink

      It just past us by.

      Adores: 2

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