YSaC, Vol. 505: Loofah madness!
2009 December 4
Please Help My Girlfriends Dad
I need someone to help my girlfriends dad. I would like a woman to give him a bath with a loofa. It could have a funny print on it. He is 59 years old and looks like richard gere. Sometimes he paints pictures of animals and puts them on hills. People will steal these animals and he has to start over.
I need someone to help me write this post. I would like someone to bring me a cup of hot Chai. Sometimes I like to go to the beach. There are boats in the water. Sometimes, people will steal the boats. I like cheese. Cheese is made from cow’s milk. Or sometimes sheep’s milk. Unless the sheep have been stolen. Is it time for my nap yet?
I can’t remember who sent me this one — sorry!
This looks like something I would post on here if I were drunk….like when I said a post needed more hamburger over Thanksgiving (though I still maintain that I DIDN’T type that, since I don’t remember).
Also, how does a loofa have a funny print on it? They’re all…holey and stuff!
I have to commend this poster’s grammar (well, aside from the no apostrophes thing) and spelling, though.
Drunk, yes – I actually bought a book called Stop Stealing Sheep & Find Out How Type Works, although I don’t know why…….
I think it is the bath that has the funny print, not the loofah. This poster is looking for someone to provide a loofah and a free, custom-painted bathtub for his girlfriend’s dad. This dad is apparently paint-smeared and dirty from crawling around in the hills with his animal pictures. However, once the dad takes a bath with a loofah, he will look like richard gere, and the poster will leave his girlfriend for her dad.*
*Thus supporting Windrose’s theory, below.
Too bad the guy the other day used up this month,s quota of apostrophes. This guy could use a couple.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR WITH THE COMMA.
Are apostrophes recyclable? I sure hope so.
Back in the old days, we’d just toss our used apostrophes into the hellbox and melt them down to be recast later.
Nowadays, everything’s more ephemeral, like a mayfly’s daydream, and the world’s words’ letters aren’t recyclable. Those photons that make the apostrophes? Your retinas absorbed them. We’re never getting them back. Entropy conquers all.
In Soviet Russia, apostrophes toss you in hellbox.
Proctor & Gamble says:
In Soviet Russia, All conquers entropy.
Cheer was not happy.
I don’t know about apostrophes, but apparently some punctuation marks can be reused, because I keep getting these emails about a colon cleanser.
What about semicolons? Don’t they get dirty?
Only half as dirty.
You won’t need a colon cleansing if you eat enough carets, though you may miss a period.
Can’t run the risk of missing a period! YIKES!!
carets = Bwaaah. Brilliant!
Great advice, Bianchi. Glad you’re a friend and not an enema.
Can I quote you on that?
I propose that the poster is secretly in love with his girlfriends dad. Discuss.
I counter-propose that the poster is his “girlfriends dad,” and this is a ploy to get a sponge (gourd) bath from a stranger.
My thoughts exactly.
“Sponge Bath From a Stranger” would be a good song name.
Ooh, I like that. Nice tune and you can dance to it.
Until, that is, someone steals the animals and you have to start over.
Now I have Christina in my head:
If you wanna be with me,
Baby, there’s a price to pay
Need a sponge bath from a stranger
You gotta loofah my stretch marks
If you wanna be with me
You must make my wish come true
You gotta make a lot of soap suds
I gotta like what you do
It would also make for a good weekend . . . mmmm ya know if you were into that sort of thing.
@emesis: I was thinking more of a Spice Girls kinda song.
Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna hot bubble bath.
If you wanna be my lover
You gotta give great sponge baths
Make it hot and soapy
Bubbles always last
I could go on, but I will spare you all the torture that was the Spice Girls.
I now have alternating Aerosmith and Spice Girls songs going round my head. This can only end badly, so if anyone has any spare meds I’ll take them now please.
And there’s your response right there:
Dear Sir,
You’re out of your gourd.
P.S. Reference the animals your “girlfriend’s father” (yeah, right!) paints on hillsides; is he placing pictures he has done on other media (canvas, say) on the putative hillsides or is he physically painting animals that inhabit hillsides? Could it be that they’re not being stolen, but that you….I mean, “he” is using water-based paint? Have you ever thought of using your roller-brush instead of a loofa? The long handle makes getting to your back and “other places” much more convenient. And tickley, but in a good way. HTH
T.P.F.F. (The Punctuation Freedom Front)
*Joins T.P.F.F.*
*Flounces off and starts splinter group: The Freedom Front of Punctuation*
@emesis SPLITTERS!
Grammar Nazi ite domum.
*joins T.P.F.F.* When do I get my T-shirt?
Whoa! That’s going to be awkward if they get married. “Sweetheart, I’m your father.” Wonder if her name is Luca?
Has he considered not leaving his paintings on hills, I wonder?
I never knew Bill O’Reilly liked to paint pictures of animals.
Too bad Blazing Saddles has already been done. He could have painted a whole fake town! Rock Ridge rocks!
Blazing Saddles is liberal propaganda! Don’t let your kids near it, it’s a terrorist threat!
Richard Gere, bath with a loofa – Julia Roberts, call your office……..
I wasn’t considering helping out this guy until I read the part about his animal pictures being stolen. Like the iconic image of the Native American crying one lonely tear for our earth, so was my deep sadness for this man and his lack of a loofah woman (and his animal pictures, but that goes without saying). SOMEONE LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN REACH THIS SAD SOT ASAP
It’s Loofah Woman! Able to scrub Richard Gere-ish old men in a single swipe!
Another possibility, hinted at in Dan’s clever-as-ever title, is that this rambling inspired by an herbal infumation: more reefah than loofah.
Ergo this fellow, or perhaps his “girlfriends dad,” may have quite the case of the munchies now, and need a visit from Cheetos Woman, or perhaps Pizza Delivery Man,* more than any other costumed hero.
(*or the Taco Magician?)
There aren’t enough tacos in the universe to convince me that showing up to this guy’s house with a loufa would be a good plan.
I don’t think there’s enough tequilla either.
But in case I did, here is the expected exchange:
Father: “Oh wow, you’re a magician!? Can you pull a rabbit out of me?”
Me: *Shudders*
Time for another pass at the boiling bleach.
That was so, so wrong.
I thought that was a gerbil, not a rabbit. Or are rabbits standard for look-alikes?
Or even Pizza Girl!
Lines that were deleted just before posting:
•He likes to wear mittens.
•You will be required to tell him about the rabbits at least twice a day.
•The funny print on the loufa cannot have sharp corners because it will irritate dad’s eczema.
•His dead skin collage needs to be kept moist so it doesn’t flake.
•He poops in his pants sometimes. People will steal it and he’ll have to start over.
Now, where’s that boiling bleach today?
You forgot to mention the “toenails”..!
Your post made my day tm. Nacho mittens!
I had considered mentioning the toenail collection, but I thought it would be redundant given the dead skin collage.
No, no, totally different media. Not the same at all.
Three words that make it way worse:
“Contagious Toenail Fungus.”
Have a nice weekend!
p.s. NOT a good band name.
The way I read it:
Dad paints some horses on a hill. “Good job, dad! Here’s your thorazine!” The daughter (she looks like Taylor Swift) tells her new boyfriend (he looks like Shia Laboeuf) that Dad paints over the horses when no one’s around, then claims that “people” stole them from the painting.
Then one day Taylor leaves Shia alone with Dad. Dad nods off and Shia sees a group of tiny Native Americans creep over the hill in the painting. They give him a wink, lasso the horses and ride away, whooping distantly.
Add a dead mother, a ramshackle Victorian house, and about 70 minutes of filler and you’ve got M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie.
I just love a good Thorazine reference.
Ha. I love a good SHIA reference.
*makes a mental note to change her screen name to something with “cougar” in it*
I think we all know the end.
They were dead the whole time!
Seriously- does that man have any NEW plot twists?
…I just know there is a CL ad somewhere that says:
I love to give baths with a loofa. We can start slowly and see where it goes from there,,, I,m discrete and DD free.
Can’t we hook up these two lost souls?
where’s the ad from the dude who was offering to take care of old people, but he was a nudist?! I think he’d be a perfect match!
well the paint would wash off easily I suppose
I think “the girlfriend’s dad” would prefer a woman, unless the nude looks like a lady. Other than that – it’s perfect! What could go wrong?
I can never listen to the song “Dude looks a lady” again without convulsing with laughter. I can hear it now;
Nude
Nude
Nude looks like a lady!
Nude
Nude
Nude looks like a lady!
So…Much…Nudity…
*shudders*
sarajean,
I tried but couldn’t resist, and now I have to share – “Dude Looks Like a Lady” crossed with the other Aerosmith hit of that time, “Love in an Elevator.”
Dude Looks Like a Lady + Love in an Elevator = scenario for a CL ad.
Sounds tailor-made for “Missed Connections”.
“You – 30ish woman in navey suit with starbux stan on skert Pretty gud lookin for an ol ladie Me – over fortie guy in teh kaki utili-kilt Where – coundy couthous elevater third from teh secend 1 after you com out a booking When teh cabel seezed up an teh power gon out you thout we was goin to die Teh world dint end but you rocked mine Srry bout the beerd bern Write back with teh names in teh tattoo,s on my chest so I,s knowed it you No spamers pleas”
My head hurts now and I think my spell-check just committed suicide.
“I think my spell-check just committed suicide.”
Thanks for that sarajean. Now I have to clean coffee off the desk, again.
Oh my god sarajean that is hilarious and amazingly sad. I was correcting some of my boyfriends’ student’s papers last night and I could have DEFINITELY used the phrase “My spell-check just committed suicide”
Sarajean,
My brain “seezed up” reading that! Ow! But … all too believable.
I guess Schizophrenic dad is really killing his alone time with his sweet thing.
This guy is only 59. I’m a few years older than that and I AM NOT OLD!! So watch it, eh.
It’s okay, screamer, we’ll get off your lawn!
Can we have our ball back, mister?
-Flies around lawn in dragon form-
-Burns nearby trolls-
-Sets alight the THATCHED ROOF COTAGGEEEEESSS and the peasants-
I missed the part about it being a woman. But if he’s looking for someone to loofa a 59-year-old who paints on hills, you can’t be too picky, ya know?
I think my dad’s a few years away from 59. Or maybe that was my mom. One of them is coming up on it. They’re not THAT old that they’re crazy yet…though my mom is developing the crazies. I don’t think she’d want to be loofa’d by a stranger, though.
I think that loofa is my favorite verb, now.
Craigslist is fun. I like the internet. Sometimes I call it the interwebs. Al Gore is rumored to invent the internet. Somebody probably stole it from him.
XD
I like mocking people who post bad ads on CraigsList. It is fun to mock them. They have poor grammar and can not spell. Elephants are grey.
My boyfriend’s cousin’s unlce’s mother likes the internets. Sometimes she posts something on CraigsList but then someone steals it and she has to start again. She needs someone to use a babywipe on her face. Grapes are not elephants.
I met my husband on the intertubes. We like to trade insults with trolls. Elephants can’t hold public office. Sometimes I paint my toenails. The sea monkey took my pearl collection.
Hey – 59 isn’t old (normally) … but someone wanting a loofah scrub to ease away the pain of his paintings being stolen? or were they mistaken for pews and given away free .. with pain?
A mayfly’s daydream sounds so precious and romantic – thanks isaac.
and ..how come when I try to post this my machine says ‘Internet access problems’ then after a while when I log on again my post has arrived? (this doesn’t happen with my Blackberry)
*bring back smoke signals and quill pens- I hate the interweb*
I have a little hand puppet/loofah with a funny design on it. It looks like a duck.. it might get stolen. 🙁
Dad looks like “richard gere”, not “Richard Gere.” “richard gere” is dad’s imaginary hobo friend* who lives on the hill and cooks cans of beans over fires made from stolen animal paintings.
*Trademarked band name.
oh no, the shades are off, hide people before it…
ALL HAIL HYPNO CAT. ALL HAIL HYPNO…………
I’m sure -send money- you’re mistaken.
No -send money- hypnocat here.
Must…Give…Hypno-Cat…Credit…Card…Number…
Really -buy me more catnip- you’ve got me -buy me more catnip- all wrong.
*drools and stares vacantly at screen*
whoa. trippy kitty…
Who you callin’ -obey me- “trippy?”
Shall I smite the infidel, oh Wise and Mighty Hypno-Cat? I happen to have some botfly larvae here…
“Dad’s Imaginary Hobo Friend” sounds like a folk song title.
How many sheep must my girlfriend’s dad
Paint on a hill far away?
And who keeps on taking them all away
So he has to paint them again?
The answer my friend is
Dad’s Imaginary Friend
Dad’s Imaginary Hobo Friend
“…looks like richard gere…”
Meh.
Post again if you get a girlfriend who’s dad looks (and sounds) like Sean Connery. Then we can talk.
GAAH!!
That should be “whose” not “who’s”
Stupid edit feature not working, exposing my spelling errors to the world.
*curses all things modern while trimming quill pen*
Looksh like I need a loofah! I paintsh picturesh of animalsh and putsh them on hillsh. An I doan think there ish anything particularly wrong in hittin’ a woman, though I donna recommend you do it the shame way that you hit a man. Shigning out, Sean.
*Roawrrr*
I’ll be right over with the bath salts and bruise balm! Do I need special shampoo for your toupee?
Here’s the scoop. Girlfriend is spending too much time hauling Dad around to the art store and then having to sneak to the hills in the middle of the night to retrieve the very disturbing pictures of animals he paints that would have authorities of some sort knocking on the door if ever discovered. Boyfriend decides that Dad needs a distraction if Boyfriend is ever going to have some alone time with Girlfriend. Dad does look like Richard Gere except that it is the Richard Gere that lives three blocks over, is overweight and has a really bad comb-over and eczema.
Am I the only one who thought this “richard gere” look-alike was painting pictures on actual live animals and they were just running away when he put them on the hill?
No, I thought that too. I also considered he paints pictures of hills with animals on them, then witches magic the animals away.
I was o.k. with this thread. I was handling the demented grampa in the bathtub images, the strange “richard gere” association, etc. pretty well. Then somebody had to bring up ECZEMA! Now all I can think about is skin flakes in dirty, soapy water. ARGGGGHHHHHH!
And the itching, don’t forget the maddening itching that feels like a million microscopic insects burrowing into your vunerable flesh, each and every tiny prickle driving you a milimeter closer to madness until you just want to peel your skin off with a rusty butter knife and bathe in battery acid.
*insert sound of crickets chirping into the deafening silence*
…ummm, I might have some skin issues.
SKIN INSECTS. YOU HAD TO BRING UP SKIN INSECTS! Now all I can think about is those bugs that lay eggs in your skin and then their larvae burrow around in you! FUCK TROPICAL INSECTS. GAH.
**GAG**
tacomagic! Can I have the bleach after you please?
I saw a rather harrowing video online a few weeks ago of a young woman removing a botfly larva from her scalp.
Now, where did I put that bookmark?
No, wait, that’s a different maggot…
Ah, yes. There we go.
Enjoy your weekend!
You are a disturbed individual, isaac.
Now my head won’t stop itching. I have family who is thinking about moving to Central America. I should send them those links.
At least I warned you about the contents of the videos. Imagine if I had just rickrolled them to you.
I’m not squeamish as a general rule, but a little piece of my soul just screamed, shriveled up, and died in agony after watching that video, Issac.
*curls up in fetal position and rocks self*
Not watchin’ ’em and you can’t make me. Nooo. It was bad enough that I read arallyn’s post while I was eating. The chicken caesar salad I’d just taken a bite of shot out of my mouth fast enough to cause a mini sonic boom. I don’t want to see my lunch again.
I classify insects while they’re alive! I cuddle with snakes! I find hagfish hilarious! BUT I CANT HANDLE THE DAMN SCALP BUGS.
Yes, I saw that movie “Bug” with Ashley Judd. I’m still in therapy.
What exactly would a funny print on a loofah be?
Duck footprints are pretty funny, they look like little bat wings.
It puts the loofah on its skin or it gets the hose again.
It just occurred to me that the person may be referring to his own penis as “his girlfriends dad.” Reread the ad with that in mind!
But where would he put the paintbr…
Oh.
Eww.
Who’s your daddy?
Yes yes yes that ‘splains it all – Using only his short little richard gere, aka “dick,” he can paint animals on the hillsides if there’s SNOW on them. So sad, so sorry to see them melt and trickle away.
But the funny print on “it” – that sounds like a painful tat – maybe he’s bragging:
http://revolutionthis.blogspot.com/2006/04/welcome-to-jamaica-have-nice-day.html
Well done all of you. This is now my second-favourite post ever, after Not. A. Lion. of course.