YSaC, Vol. 585: Putting the "fun" back in "funeral"!

2010 February 22

Preamble to post, by drmk: If you haven't seen it yet, wander over to YouTube and check out the silly video that we've put up. Lyrics were written by forum regulars, jackie31337 donated her vocal talents, and Dan the ostrimu fiddled with video software. It's chock full of YSaC in-jokes and memes. Enjoy! (And that's an order, damn it, or I'll cause you double pain.) ]

Now on with our regular scheduled hilarity and weirdness:

Sexy Vixen's Funeral Parlor "Keeping the fun Alive!"


We are looking for a few motivated ladies who would like to get into the Funeral arrangement business! It is very lucrative and highly profitable!

Sexy Vixen's Funeral Parlor puts a fun spin on passing to the other side. Why have a sad, boring funeral when you can spice it up with a few hot ladies and a party like no other!

As a Sexy Vixen employee, you will be incharge of keeping the fun alive. That includes providing drinks to Funeral guests, reminiscing about the guest of honor, reading poems, bartending, and other various tasks as needed.

You must be comfortable:
-Wearing a bikini
-Being around the recently deceased
-Applying make-up to our guest of honor and/or dressing
-Washing Cars
-Driving the party Hearse

Qualifications desired (but not a must!)
-Look good in a bikini
-Lift large boxes (about the weight of a coffin with or without body)
-Prior experience with embalming
-Background in balloon animals
-Bachelor's in related field.

This doesn't really sound that different than any normal night at the Elks Lodge ... that is, until you get to the Qualifications Desired section. Let's deconstruct these, shall we?

1. Look good in a bikini.

That's a "desired" but not a "must" qualification? Huh.

2. Lift large boxes (about the weight of a coffin with or without body)

About the weight of a coffin ... that might or might not contain a body. Sigh. Why does it not surprise me that when you do a search for "pallbearer bikini" that there actually is a result?

3. Prior experience with embalming.

Um.

4. Background in balloon animals.

Do they teach that at the same time they teach embalming?

5. Bachelor's in related field.

What degree program offers instruction in embalming and making balloon animals while reciting poetry and washing cars while wearing a bikini at a funeral? I totally missed that one when I was an undergrad. That must be one of these newfangled interdisciplinary majors.

Thanks to Pat for sending this one in!

143 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 22
    Windrose permalink

    *checking catalog at local community college* Balloon animals? Check. Embalming? Check. Related field. . . related field. . . Oh, here's a great one! Nuclear physics! Add a course in weight lifting, and I'm all set.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      Windrose permalink

      Dang! "Look good in a bikini"? Crap. *tears up student loan app*

      Adores: 4
  2. 2010 February 22
    Dotour permalink

    Say I have experience with party hearses and often show up to funerals (also weddings and bar mitzvahs) in swimwear, yet struggle with balloon animals. Do they offer on-the-job training?

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 February 22
      TacoMmagic permalink

      I wonder if these girls will pile out of the party hearse like clowns from a little car.

      Cause you know, classy.

      Adores: 13
  3. 2010 February 22
    Cindy B. permalink

    "Lift large boxes (about the weight of a coffin with or without body)"

    So, anywhere between 100 and 400 pounds? That's quite a big range. And we have to lift it by ourselves? Usually there are 6-8 pallbearers in a "normal" funeral (i.e., a funeral without the festive strip-bar atmosphere).

    This can't be for real.

    Adores: 3
  4. 2010 February 22
    mudslicker permalink

    One more deconstruction needed:

    6. Applying make-up to our guest of honor and/or dressing

    Would that makeup be Revlon, Mary Kay, or Clown?

    And regarding the "and/or dressing" part, are we talking sage, oyster or Stove Top?

    Because when it comes to putting the "fun" back into my funerals, that's the way I roll.

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 February 22
      Lola permalink

      Mudsy, your comment about clown makeup reminded me of something my college roommate said. She and a friend from high school went to a classmate's funeral, and after the fiftieth iteration of "Wind Beneath my Wings" as they waited to pay their respects, her friend leaned into her and said,"Don't ever play that for me. Don't do this. When I die, put me in a freakin' clown suit with makeup and a wig, and play Pearl Jam*."

      *"Alive," presumably.

      Adores: 12
      • 2010 February 22
        jackie31337 permalink

        My ex once told me he wanted REM's Shiny Happy People played at his funeral because he didn't want people to be sad for him, he wanted them to be happy that he was in a better place. I guess your friend kind of has the same philosophy.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 22
          TacoMmagic permalink

          My Mother-in-Law refuses to have an open casket funeral when she dies.

          In her words: If anyone says "Oh, she looks so natural!" at my funeral, I'm coming back as a zombie to eat their brains.

          Adores: 17
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          Your mother-in-law sounds like my kind of lady, TMm.

          My father's exact words on the subject; "What the hell do I care? I'll be dead." He has quite a way with words.

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 22
        mudslicker permalink

        Oh Lola..I think Ozzy would fit more with the clown get up. But I like the way your friend-of-a-friend thinks.

        Perhaps the pall bearers should wear bikini clown suits while fake-walking balloon wiener dogs.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 23

      Mudsy, you not only put the "fun" in "funeral" but also the "can" in "cannibal."

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 23
        mudslicker permalink

        ..and here I really thought I put the "bull" in cannibal. Provided I have a nice steamy large Donner Party pizza knocking at the door!

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 March 3
      cbc72 permalink

      Wait. So applicant may have to apply make-up to dressing? That is just weird.

      Adores: 0
  5. 2010 February 22
    penguin permalink

    My dad is extremely ill and may not pull through. I have spent the past couple of weekends with my family making preparations just in case. So, on that level, this is just so wrong.

    On the other hand, I always joke that when I do die, I want people to throw me on a bonfire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows. Sort of a cremation and wake all in one.

    Which leads me to a dilemma:

    To snark or not to snark, that is the question.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22
      Camille permalink

      So sorry about your dad, penguin. I'm undecided whether this thread is going to help you cope in any way, but hey, sometimes a good snark is the appropriate reaction to stress!

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      TacoMmagic permalink

      I always told people that if I died of old age I want a massive party instead of a funeral.

      I plan to add an addendum to my will stating that my beneficiaries will be required to throw a party that gets the police called on it, or they will recieve none of my fortune*.

      *Read as collection of Taco Bell sauce packets.

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 February 22

        Me too! I once told a friend that I wanted a disco dance party when I died, and he told me that he hoped I died soon.

        Adores: 9
      • 2010 February 22
        mudslicker permalink

        Ooh..TMm...would you want to play Pin the Tale on the Tombstone at your massive (hehe) Funerarty?

        Or are you leaning more towards togas, beer bongs, free red tables, Not. A. Lion circus animals, pac man sculptures stuffed with extremely long sock dolls, a telephone pole, 911 fire work with fire trucks on fire on it, ice cream sign, giant brown turd face blue nose sculpture, hunk of wood with eyes stuck in it, a pylon, a square wasp nest, a motor cycle helmet that looks like a giant lego helmet, hand made no zombies picket sign, ikea hanging organizer with socks in it, picture of woman touching giant bulbous stalagmite in horn frame on horn pedestal, a garbage can with a face you shove garbage into, a solid aluminum miniature sofa chair that I had a vision of on my 19th birthday, a plastic airbrush, and some coconuts, plus more (too many to list)?

        That kind of party? :)

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 22
          TacoMmagic permalink

          I don't know MS. That all seems to lack the quiet dignity of a Nacho Cheese Fountain, Cream Cheese fro, and an open bar serving Bacontinis.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          There once was a man (I think),
          famed for his great massive link,
          he was quick with the quips and the quotes,
          and loved writing long snarky notes,
          now he's gone so let's all have a drink!

          Adores: 20
        • 2010 February 22
          mudslicker permalink

          for some reason...you and quiet dignity...just isn't registering for me.

          But I'm loving the nacho cheese Trevi fountain idea provided you pencil in a subdued cheese fight with cans of Kraft Easy Cheese and logs of string cheese flung from hand-held trébuchets.

          Make my drink of choice an X-Rated Flirtini...and yes, imagine that...it does exist!

          http://www.drinkoftheweek.com/vodka/x-rated_flirtini.htm

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22

      Oh, penguin!! Soooo sorry, here, accept my cyber-hug.

      {{{{penguin}}}}

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      I am so sorry, penguin. {♥}

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      Lola permalink

      Oh Penguin. You probably come here for a little levity, but not today. Snark if you feel like it, and don't if you don't.
      *joins CJ in (((((HUG))))*

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22
      arallyn permalink

      Awww, hugs and love, penguin :(

      My mom is determined to be buried in a green cemetary (where there's no embalming or treated wood in the caskets, and no vault, so that the bodies return to the earth), which is all well and good, but I'm fairly certain that the nearest one is 500 miles away. Hope she's planning on moving near one when she's old, otherwise she's getting this: http://www.reallymagazine.com/month_archive_73.htm#16DEC09

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        It comes in clear? That is just...weird.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          2Sly4U permalink

          My thoughts too!
          "Mom! Grandpa's staring at me!" Turns the "casket"
          "No he isn't" *twist*
          "Yes, he is!" *twist*
          "NO he isn't!" *twist*

          ALL kinds of mental traumatizing fun!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          I would want to have myself dressed in heavy winter clothes so it looked like I froze in a giant icicle. That would confuse and confound the hell out of the poor archeologist that dug me up in some distant future.

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22

      So sorry Penguin. I know hard it is to prepare to lose a parent. Snark if it makes you feel better but we'll understand if you don't. (joining the group hug)

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22
      christina permalink

      Another hug, penguin, snark or none.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22

      "To snark or not to snark"?

      Penguin, if you are Danish and you have an uncle, or if your dad has barked into a tetter or anything, I have some advice for you:

      1. Look behind the curtain before you stab anyone.
      2. Go ahead and take your revenge while your uncle is praying; he's not as penitent as he looks.
      3. By no means enter a swordfighting contest, even if the invitation comes from Robin Williams.

      Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 22

      So, so sorry, penguin. Thinking of you.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22

      I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I know exactly how you feel. Mine just finished radiation therapy for cancer that was a late discovery, and now we are waiting for the results. At 90, he surprises them with how tough he is. However, he is in good enough spirits that I showed him this ad. It gave him a good chuckle at the absurdity of it, and it was good for me to hear him laugh again. Add my hug.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22
      Windrose permalink

      Even when the song bird is gone, we remember the song. May happy memories help you through this difficult time. ((HUGS)) here too.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 23
      penguin permalink

      Thanks everyone. Didn't mean to be a downer. My mom and I selected the burial plot this past weekend, so this CL ad really threw me for a loop. I think I will save it and show it to him if he does pull through. Or maybe not. He has a sense of humor but is quite conservative and easily embarrassed over things like that. Maybe I will hide his will before showing it to him just to be on the safe side.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 23

        penguin -- my thoughts are with you. My apologies if this struck an unfortunate chord with you.

        Adores: 1
  6. 2010 February 22
    TacoMmagic permalink

    What degree program offers instruction in embalming and making balloon animals while reciting poetry and washing cars while wearing a bikini at a funeral? I totally missed that one when I was an undergrad. That must be one of these newfangled interdisciplinary majors.

    DRMK obviously wasn't in a sorority when she was an undergrad.

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 February 22
      Hartster permalink

      You didn't hear it from me, but that sounds like one of them initiation rites for a secret society... or a really interesting Buffy the Vampire Slayer plot.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        That might be fanfic worth reading.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          TacoMmagic permalink

          Rule 32: if it exists, there is a fanfic about it.
          Rule 33: if there is a fanfic about it, there is a romantic fanfic about it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 22
          Lola permalink

          Rule 35: More romantic fanfic than you think is written by guys. Straight ones.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          Rule 35b - More pornographic fanfic is written by women than you think. Straight and not-so-straight ones.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          christina permalink

          Rule 36: If it exists, bacon makes it better.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          That one should be up in the top ten, christina.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 22
          Lola permalink

          Top five. At least for me.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 23
          Steph permalink

          Rule 35b? Ah, darn. Guilty as charged.

          What?! I did it for a fan-club!

          Adores: 0
  7. 2010 February 22
    sarajean80 permalink

    Is it possible to make a balloon tombstone, you know, for that "party" atmosphere?

    And am I the only one picturing the "party Hearse" with spinner rims and a smokin' flame job? And glasspack mufflers for the ride to the graveyard, of course.

    This sounds like a bunch of guys got together over WAY too much alcohol and though up this little gem. They failed to realize that at such a party, they will be beyond caring if the pallbearers look good in a thong and what kind of beer is on tap.

    Personally I think I'd rather have some big, strong folks who could actually lift me when I eventually get chucked in the ground, not some little tiny bit of eye candy.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      Dotour permalink

      The party hearse features twin T-shirt cannons and is driven by the Duffman.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        The Duffman in a bikini

        *shudder*

        My brain is sad now.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 22
          TacoMmagic permalink

          I just threw up in my mouth a little.

          Adores: 1
  8. 2010 February 22
    tigprincess permalink

    No, no no. Once again with feeling NO.
    My brain itches *inserts crochet hook through left nostril and stratches*
    By what stretch of the universe are the banner ads running access to micro-finance?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      I'm getting lawn care, craigslist robot, and some sort of auto-dialer thing.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22

      I'm getting Solar Charity, which sounds like an intergalatic hooker, but isn't.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 22
        mudslicker permalink

        I think it's a Christian rock band name.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 22
          TacoMmagic permalink

          Appearing at the 40 Watt: Solar Charity with their hit single "God's Buildin' a Galaxy of Funk".

          With opening performances by Bikini Clowns and Embalmed Balloon Animals.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 22
          Lola permalink

          I totally want Embalmed Balloon Animals for my godchildren. The thing is, if it were a band, their parents would probably be even more interested.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        I'm getting something called Solar-Aid now, which sounds like a drink.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          Lola permalink

          It's an electrolyte-enhanced beverage so to inhibit the effects from sunstroke, or something like that.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          I was thinking more of a mojito-style cocktail. Something heavy on the pineapple perhaps, it always tastes like sunshine to me.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 22
          queensbee permalink

          embalmed balloon aminals, yes, a great name for a rock band. unbelievable.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22
      Dan permalink

      The microfinance is because we let Google Ads run charitable ads on our site. We don't get revenue from those, but we get to feel like we're doing good. So go finance a cheese shop in Malasia, dammit!

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 22
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Good for you. I'm going to feel like I'm doing good, also, by reading your site.

        Adores: 2
  9. 2010 February 22

    Slack.jawed...I'm sitting here slack.jawed. This is so wrong, on so many levels, that my Weird-S**t-O-Meter is pegged in the red zone.

    I can't even think of a single snarky thing to say.

    'Scuse me while I go hide under a rock and await the apocalypse.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22
      arallyn permalink

      Definitely in the same boat as you. This just comes off as insane, and my only thought is that if there is someone I know that would hire them, I'm not sure I'd go to the funeral. That shit seems terrifying. I feel like the bikini girls would take the dead person out of the casket and do a lap dance on it.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        Well, they wouldn't need a pole.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 22
          Canio6 permalink

          It would give a whole new meaning to 'stiff'

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 22
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      The real scary part is that this person is probably driving, voting, and reproducing (Hopefully not at the same time.)

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        It would be possible to do two out of three at the same time. For all three you'd need an absentee ballot or a polling place with a drive-thru.

        Adores: 2
  10. 2010 February 22
    sarajean80 permalink

    Why do I get the feeling that the "poetry" in question will be less of the "Ode to a Grecian Urn" type and more along the lines of "There once was a man from Nantucket..."

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22
      TacoMmagic permalink

      There once was a man from Nantucket,
      He was old and then kicked the bucket,
      We all gather'd round,
      And put him in the ground,
      But he's in Heaven now so you bitches can suck it.

      Today I'm pure class.

      Adores: 41
      • 2010 February 22
        mudslicker permalink

        There once was a man from Olympy,
        He was so full of class he was pimpy,
        We sang him a tune,
        Tied him in a balloon,
        Now he's flying the circus as Blimpy.

        Adores: 18
      • 2010 February 22
        lost_compass permalink

        There once was a dead guy named Blair
        Whose family chose one hip affair
        Where the mourners did shooters
        And morticians from Hooters
        Read some Auden and soaped my Corvair.

        Adores: 37
        • 2010 February 22
          Lola permalink

          Is "soaped my Corvair" a euphemism? Is there some part of you, l_c, that is "unsafe at any speed"?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 22

          Lost compass for the win, as usual.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22
          lost_compass permalink

          No euphemism intended... just the best of the lame rhymes I thought of (party/Bacardi, Lola/Corolla).

          Looks like my poetry has reached its Ralph Nadir.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 22

          ... Ralph Nadir.

          May I touch the hem of your garment, lc? I... I just want to be close to such awesomeness.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 23
        Steve-O permalink

        There once was a regular guy,
        who went to the pearly gates in the sky,
        Saint Peter said wait,
        due to the crazy ass wake,
        The strippers gave him a helluva goodbye.

        Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 23

      There once was a man from Racine
      Who wanted a funeral so keen
      with balloons and bikinis
      and yes bacontinis
      and your car was made to be clean

      Adores: 3
  11. 2010 February 22
    arallyn permalink

    Ok, ok, I'm ALL for ignoring the status quo for funerals; one of the best ones I went to was for a friend who was killed in a boating accident; it was in a church in a sunny room and there were balloons and "Don't Worry, Be Happy" playing through the entire thing. WAY better than those downtrodden funeral dirges and funeral homes with terrifying wallpaper and carpeting, that always smell like dead people . Been to enough of those.

    But back to the ad...I can see Larry Flint, Hefner, and trashy trailer park guys as the potential customer base, and Hefner already has his own entourage. I fail to see the money-making aspect of this.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      arallyn permalink

      Also: There are five schools in the US that teach what you need to know to embalm and prepare a decedent (isn't that a nice, technical term? I prefer "corpse" myself) for an open-casket funeral.

      Most students at those schools are male, and in their mid-30s.

      We are going to have a LOT of mangled and disfigured corpses if these ladies get in business and actually manage to have a viable selling point.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        I actually have a female cousin who's a funeral director, she went to the San Francisco School of Mortuary Science. She sent me a T-shirt and a coffee cup from the gift shop. She has the oddest work-related stories.
        (I've seen pictures from a Halloween party her classmates threw, they used an actually coffin as a buffet table. She also met her husband there, he works for a coroner's office now.)

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 22
          arallyn permalink

          We rented a coffin for my dad's friend's 40th birthday party to use as a buffet table! Great minds think alike!

          The San Fran school of mortuary science was the most renowned and respected mortuary school out there. It was also the most expensive, and had the fewest students. After 72 years, they closed in 2002.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      If it wasn't for the "prior experience with embalming" bit, it almost looks like someone is shopping for a trophy wife for a really old guy.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 22
        TacoMmagic permalink

        Well you know, the Egyptians believed you could take anything with you as long as you were burried with it...

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 22
          Quickcomeback permalink

          Except for mustard. That was always tricky.

          Adores: 1
  12. 2010 February 22

    Hey Timmy, I have good news and bad news. First the bad news, your pet turtle died. Mom just plumb forgot to feed him for a month. Don't worry there's good news. Those bikini funeral girls do pet funerals too! Sure your beloved pet is gone forever but you get to spend an afternoon watching girls in bikinis pour you drinks and make baloon animals. I hear they're really good at making snakes.

    Adores: 6
  13. 2010 February 22
    Colleen in MA permalink

    I'm back from my vacation in Las Vegas, and come back to a YSaC post on fun funerals?

    It all seems to make sense.
    Carry on.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      JuneJenny permalink

      Hey, I was just on vacation in Las Vegas too! I probably walked right past you.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 23
        Colleen in MA permalink

        Hey! It's funny - I know of a lot of people that went to Vegas this month. Something's in the air.

        Adores: 1
  14. 2010 February 22
    Lola permalink

    My vote for Band Name of the Day is "Party Hearse."

    Tonight at the 40 Watt: Party Hearse, on their "Reminiscing about the guest of honor tour," with special guest Sexy Vixen. Party Hearse* will be performing songs from their new album, Being Around the Recently Deceased.

    *For some reason, when I type "Party Hearse" my fingers want to spell "Patty Hearst," which is a weird connotation.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      (I was doing the same thing, Patty Hearst-wise.)

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22

      I actually read it as "Patty Hearst" and thought I'd missed part of the joke.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22

      I did the Patty Hearst thing too, and in the state of utter WTF this ad has put me in, I had to laugh as I thought Being Around the Recently Deceased was Being Around the Recently Diseased which of course took me to "Beetlejuice", and his vixens at that..ahem..house he built into the model.

      I am utterly creeped out, and need to stop typing now.

      Adores: 4
  15. 2010 February 22
    zim2411 permalink

    That bikini pallbearer image is from Top Gear episode S13E07, where Clarkson and May make their own Volkswagen Scirocco ads. So it's not actually from a real funeral

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22
      Lola permalink

      *feels marginally less worried for humanity, but only marginally, and probably only temporarily*

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22

      This is true. I was amused when it popped up in an image search, since we love Top Gear.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 22
      Gail permalink

      Indeed, at 1:32 in the video
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwSSBcOEQck

      Top Gear is excellent.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 28

        I confess I broke out of the fuzz of bewildered despair for the fate of humanity inspired by this ad to think "Yay! A Top Gear reference!" It made my day.

        Adores: 0
  16. 2010 February 22

    It's the perfect job for Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid!

    Adores: 4
  17. 2010 February 22
    jackie31337 permalink

    I guess for some people "funeral" really is an anagram for "real fun".

    Adores: 6
  18. 2010 February 22

    I knew I should have majored in clown and mortuary sciences.... what was I thinking, majoring in ART?!

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22
      TacoMmagic permalink

      You know, a painting of a mortician working on a dead clown is probably considered Art somewhere.

      Not here, of course.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 22
        jackie31337 permalink

        That would be one for Regretsy. Actually, I'm surprised they haven't featured anything along those lines yet.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 22

          No! Don't dilute our YSaC fame!

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 22

      Actually, ASU has a program for mortuary sciences. /corey

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 23
        Steph permalink

        Don't tell my best friend. She's going to U of A, and I hear those two schools are mortal enemies. She'll probably make a snarky comment about ASU needing a program of mortuary science to take care of their dead after football games.

        ...actually, that sounds more like something I would say to keep myself from being Wildcatted to death. Never mind. Carry on.

        Adores: 0
  19. 2010 February 22
    Gridlock permalink

    Yet another business whose life will be tragically cut short by your classic Supply/Demand imbalance.

    Adores: 3
  20. 2010 February 22
    MrWhite permalink

    It's Saturday morning. Mom wants to go to a poetry reading; Dad wants to go to the Victoria's Secret fashion show. The kids like the zoo, or Chuck-E-Cheese; Junior needs his car detailed; Uncle Earl wants a good stiff drink or two.

    Used to be, everyone would split up, and someone would end up mad. Now, the whole family can have fun together, just by checking the obituaries.

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 February 22
      jackie31337 permalink

      If there's one place you can reliably find a good stiff drink, it's a party funeral home.

      Adores: 8
  21. 2010 February 22
    Meredith permalink

    A woman who looks good in a bikini and can lift 400 pounds on her own? Ooookay, let's run down some of the top possibilities for this job:

    http://www.eatliver.com/img/2007/2637.jpg

    Here we have Helga. As you can see, she looks FAB in a bikini. She loves to wash cars, especially the sleek chassis of a Fiero.

    http://www.strangesports.com/images/content/14322.JPG

    This is Janice. She's a whiz at balloon animals, and has a compassionate spirit that lends itself well to a funeral setting. She also makes one hell of a Pina Colada

    http://media.ugoto.com/pictures/another-woman-body-builder-84c.jpg

    Margaret has a "motherly" spirit which can soothe the grieving at this sad time. But once she whips out the limbo pole, the party's begun!

    http://www.listze.com/uploads/item-2451.jpg

    This is pretty much the only woman capable of possibly lifting that much weight, and not terrifying the funeral group at the same time. She's a pro wrestler.

    Adores: 5
  22. 2010 February 22
    Ladycrim permalink

    I have a friend who is a trained mortician and would probably jump at this. Sure, he's a guy, but he'd probably wear the bikini.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      Kudos!
      That has made a disturbing image even more disturbing.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22
      Karmyn permalink

      Does he look anything like Mankini Guy from The Soup? Because I would so go to a funeral to see that.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 22

      How is he at balloon animals, though?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 23
        jackie31337 permalink

        You know, if you combined balloon sculptures and a bikini on a guy, you could get some interesting results.

        Adores: 0
  23. 2010 February 22
    Karmyn permalink

    And to think, people thought it was weird when we had pizza delivered to the funeral home when my grandmother died.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 22
      Lola permalink

      Hey, the living still have to eat.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 22
        sarajean80 permalink

        And drink. I can't remember a family funeral that didn't involve the youngest relative of legal age (usually me) going to the package store for "reinforcements".

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 22
        mudslicker permalink

        We have a pizza joint here in town that features, under their "Signature Pies", a special gem they euphemistically like to call Lambda Gyro Pi...long strips of beef and lamb gyro. I prefer to identify it as the Donner Party Pizza.

        This topic has definitely hit the slippery slope without a bungee cord...

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 23
      Steve-O permalink

      My grandfather Ishmael O'Dell, an irishman(no shit), told a joke 15 minutes before he died. He asked, "What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One less drunk." He died 15 minutes later and everyone the next day respected his wishes and got lit up, except for me. I was the designated driver. I was 10.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 February 23
        mudslicker permalink

        So..did they really call him Ishmael? Hehe...couldn't resist a good Moby Dick joke.

        Adores: 0
  24. 2010 February 22

    *disclaimer*
    This rendition is Not. As. awesome as most posted here, but I couldn't get Who Wants To Live Forever out of my head once I read this*

    There's no time for fuss
    There's a place we trust
    When they post things that hurt my brain
    YSaC's for us

    Who wants to live forever?
    When chicks and death together
    play

    There's no chance for sense
    it's all deposed from this
    The web has only one sweet haven
    set aside for us

    Who wants to live forever
    they'll wash your hearse in leather
    thongs

    Who cares to live forever
    Oh when snark must die?

    Then cause my tears with your quips
    change my whole day with your fingertips

    And we can link to others
    And we can laugh together
    For craigslist makes our day

    Who wants this, anyway?

    Adores: 6
  25. 2010 February 22
    Mimi permalink

    Stellar YouTube video guys! Loved it, favorited* it.

    About today's post, "washing a car"...? Are they having a High School cheerleader fund raiser during the funeral?

    *I vote that this be made an official word in Webster's.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22
      Dan permalink

      You know what they say: Verbing weirds language.

      Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 22
      sarajean80 permalink

      Hey, it could happen. They put "ain't" in.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 22
      Lola permalink

      I always figured if I went for my PhD (not likely at this point, but that's OK) I'd do my thesis on "verbing the noun." Because I discovered I do it pretty much constantly.

      Adores: 0
  26. 2010 February 22

    I think they could have done much better with the business name. I'm thinking "Succubus R Us-- A Wild Ride to the Other Side!"... or would it be Succubi??

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 22

      Suck You Bye?

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 22
        Lola permalink

        HHNF: +elebenfinity. Kinsey: Succubus R Us sounds like a service that dispatches people through sexual exhaustion, after which they get a sendoff from Sexy Vixens (now dba "Suck you bye")

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          Except it would be in cutesy text-speak - "Suk U Bai".

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 23
          CapnMac permalink

          in cutesy text-speak – “Suk U Bai”

          Wait, I think that's a noodle shop in Singapore . . .

          Or, maybe I read that on a Laou menu . . .

          O the twisted ways of incubi (or should that be a priny cartidge shop?)

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 22

        Indeed, sarajean, except in my neck of the woods it might then be confused with an asian restaurant.

        *dialing*

        Hello, Al? It's me, Archie.

        Adores: 2
  27. 2010 February 22
    Supreme Ruler permalink

    Love the vid.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 23
      tigprincess permalink

      Me too - to the video. Words and pictures and singing - are we sure the interweb is up to it ?

      There is a 'service' here in UK called 'Butlers in the Buff' http://butlersinthebuff.co.uk/ I wonder is there an opening for 'Pallbearers Without Pants' to balance the bikini-clad women that this poster wants? Also forget balloon animals let us women go for this instead http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com/

      * now back to working on my accounts - without cat math*

      Adores: 0
  28. 2010 February 22

    Hey, what a great idea! Booze right at the funeral home. I'll have a bier!

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 22
      Mimi permalink

      Bwahahahahaha! You win a milliontye11even internets for that one jg.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 23
      jackie31337 permalink

      Of all the brilliant Sondheim lyrics, one of my all-time favorites is still from the "Agony" reprise in Into the Woods:

      Agony, misery, woe not to know what you miss
      While they lie there for years
      And you cry on their biers
      What unbearable bliss

      Adores: 1
  29. 2010 February 22
    Windrose permalink

    bonni, yet another day in the Don't Suck box for you! Oh, sorry, maybe I should not use the term box with today's post. Anyway, punchity-punch!

    Adores: 0
  30. 2010 February 23
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I had a funeral for my 30th birthday party. The invitations used the line "Putting the “fun” back in funeral."

    Great minds, eh, drmk?

    On a side note, "Sexy Vixen" is redundant.

    Adores: 0
  31. 2010 February 23
    CapnMac permalink

    This being a topic of some due and previous consideration.
    Let me aver the following.
    That, my joints, as i will have leave of them, will ransom no more than a pauper's entire estate. The presumption made, with legitimate consideration, that i will have expired by either external trauma or internal exhaustion; to leave naught but that my creditiors might suffice except in revelation and felicity.

    To that end, bikinis, and balloon animals will be there own acdord, and well beyond my care or mien.

    Save that my Scot's soul might in shee or banshee object ere too somber a note bemark my passing.

    Those who know me well eno will well mark my passage on to the choir invisible, lest I lurk amongst them in passing as in life.

    So, mark ye, ye mortals weel, ere i cling to you in the beyound as in life be still

    Adores: 1

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