YSaC, Vol. 892: Losers weepers.

2010 December 30

LIKE NEW FURNITURE FOR XMAL – $600


FINDERS KEEPERS YOU SAW IT FIRST LIKE NEW LIVING OR FAMILY ROOM FURNITURE GREEN TONE ON TONE CHINELE SOFA CHAIR AND A HALF AND OTTOMON SO COMPHY AND COZY LIGHT A FIRE AND AND HAVE A CUP OF COCO ON YOUR LIKE NEW FURNITURE THAT LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS A MATCHING AREA RUG AVA A WALL UNIT TOO COFFEE TABLE AND DRAPES WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED. OH YEA A DOG FROM THE SHELTER GIVE HIM A HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS TOO

Daunserly sends this in, saying, “I have to wonder if they posted this because they are trapped in the bedroom by the large piece of furniture and need help?”

This is the all-caps version of yesterday’s post. Oh yeah, want a dog?

165 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 December 30
    Greg permalink

    Just what I always wanted! One and a half a sofa chair and ottomon and then set fire to it all while I sip hot coco. But I’m confused. Do I need to set fire to the dog, too? And please tell me the dog’s name isn’t Coco.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 December 30
      CapnMac permalink

      (Second try, just had the last missive eaten by a 502 Bad Gateway; 1310 CST 30 Dec 10; IE8 on XP Pro SPIII)

      I’m pretty sure that Mdme Chanel is a “gritty” sort of “sip” and not “comfort and light” by the fire, by now.

      And, I’m still wondering if Spark’ has put all the listed items in the appended display cabinet, or if that is the “stopper” that holds all the listed items at bay, that they do not, willy-nilly, flee Spark’ and out in the street, causing chaos.

      Adores: 2
  2. 2010 December 30

    LET THE DOG OUT OF THE CABINET, YOU MONSTER!!!!

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 December 30
      Lara permalink

      IT PUTS THE LOTION ON IT’S SKIN. IT DOES AS IT IS TOLD OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 December 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        IS THIS THE GOOD KIND OF HOSE THAT COMES WITH A FRILLY GARTER BELT, OR THE BAD KIND WITH THE HORRIFIC TORRENTS OF ICY WATER?

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 30
          Lola permalink

          Mmmm, silk stockings …

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          You forgot an option, that it would be the Elizabethean hose, with codpiece.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          I can honestly say I wasn’t thinking about codpieces* when I wrote that, Cap’n.

          *I am now.

          Adores: 9
    • 2010 December 30
      LimeLolly permalink

      WHO LET THE DOG(S) OUT??

      who who?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 30

        Oh, sorry about that. HamCan threatened me with margarine, so I had to let he, Smedley, and Mindfield go.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30

          Yes, because we are going to stage a daring Coco rescue.

          (I almost said mount a Coco rescue. Whew! Close one.)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          And not a moment too soon. You have no idea how badly I had to use the hydrant.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Wait.
          Coco the expired gorilla?
          Coco the expired perfume magnate?
          or
          Coco ot the cookoo for cocoa puffs bird?

          Adores: 2
  3. 2010 December 30

    I’m guessing you would light a fire on the china cabinet that is advancing menacingly towards you in your bedroom. It looks like it already ate the green furniture. And has a dog paw sticking out of the top of it.

    Adores: 8
  4. 2010 December 30
    penguin permalink

    Can we pretend that I didn’t see it first and just move on unless you want to give me a crow bar so that I can free the poor dog who by now has by now chewed a hole into the sofa after celebrating the holidays by lapping up the coco and leaving you a present on the area rug.

    Adores: 7
  5. 2010 December 30
    CoffDrop permalink

    GIVE HIM A HOME

    Reeks of Misogyny………

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 30
      MandaB permalink

      *tunes up the guitar*

      Oh give him a home,
      Where there’s green tone on tone,
      Where the chair and the ottomon play.
      Where seldom is heard a non-capitalized word,
      And the sofa is comphy all day!

      Adores: 25
      • 2010 December 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        Home, home of the strange!
        Where the bedazzled deer and the Sparkies play
        Where seldom is heard a correctly spelled word
        And the sofas are real comphy all day!

        Adores: 17
        • 2010 December 30
          Lara permalink

          Ah yes, the bedazzler. Tool of the genius.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Everything’s better when it’s bedazzled. Plastic rhinestones are the medium of the future.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30

          Because they are neither rare, nor well done.

          Adores: 10
  6. 2010 December 30

    XMAL – its like XMAS’ bad cousin. Although you’d be hard pressed to find a letter further away from S than L is. Maybe P. XMAP? Sounds too techy…

    As for the dog – do they want him back after New Year’s? Is this whole ad just a ploy for free pet-sitting, or is it the latest thing in canine rental services?

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 December 30
      LimeLolly permalink

      XMAL – that tone on tone holiday.

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 30
      christina permalink

      I’m getting my certifications in XMAL and Comphy. Thiz iz teh nu meedeeya of teh fyutures.
      I hate me for writing that.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      CapnMac permalink

      You Luddites! XMAL is the discount, reverse-engineered (meaning IP-stolen) version of XTML. Ok, it was reverse-engineered by a bunch of substance-abusing ungulates, so it generally only causes 400 and 500 series error messages, but, with a 1000-seat network license going for only $1 and a used teabag and a crushed bowl of petunias, what pointy-haired-boss could resist?

      Adores: 7
  7. 2010 December 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    Fascinating that the entire living room is included: sofa, chair, ottomon(what?), wall unit, rug, drapes and dog. Ava sure is taking spring cleaning to a new level.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 30

      The German guy from Jamaica. “It’s Otto, mon!”

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 30
        CapnMac permalink

        Hey, remember, ‘e’s only ava-Greman (an’ ‘alf ottom, too)

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 30
      Lara permalink

      My first thought was that Ava is a very under used name these days. I think I need a coffee slice.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 30
        Windrose permalink

        Huh. My mistake, I made a double batch of kookoo. But feel free to help yourself. Mind the dog under the COFFEE TABLE.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          What kind of kookoo does Coco the Cocoa Pup like?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, they do say that kids can make you krazy–so better you only made a av’a batch of koko <G>

          Adores: 1
  8. 2010 December 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    I’m so excited to see old/new faces posting over the last several days. I hope ya’ll continue to hang out.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 30
      Lola permalink

      I was noticing that as well – welcome, and please continue to post! That goes for lurkers, too. We all lurked once and we all posted for the first time once … and now, it’s your turn!

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 30
        Lara permalink

        I could hardly bare to lurk when I first came on here. There were too many clever people to interact with! I join LimeLolly and Lola in encouraging more lurkers out of the shadows. I swear we wont pick on you. Unless your name is Corey.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Or Matt.

          :waves to new people:

          Come on in, I made special brownies!

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          Yes, welcome back (or welcome anew)! Pull up half a chair and sit a spell. (They’re quite comphy) I was a lurker once, but now I’m a decidedly odd fixture, like a faucet sticking out of the middle of a wall that only dispenses hot and cold running snark.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 30
          Windrose permalink

          I didn’t lurk, really. I jumped right in. But that’s me. I love to get up in front of a crowd and attempt to entertain. Guess that’s why I stayed, cause everyone seems to like my silliness. 8)

          Come on in, Lurkers! The snark is fine!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          @Mindfield:

          Decidely odd fixture, with definatively creepy avatar.

          No offense, but….it creeps me out.

          @SJ and @Lara: Or Matte.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          LimeLolly permalink

          I lurked for a short while… and while I can’t even maintain that nearly indefinite stream of snark consciousness that others have (Hammy, Taco, Mindfield, SJ, Mudsy, Lola and others), I like that sometimes I might say something that lets others loose. I care less about getting in the Don’t Suck box and prefer to have a post that creates a wall-o-text.

          Yesterday’s post was such fun to read.. it was all over the place and absolutely hil(hurl)arious. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d like to see 2011 achieve more post days like yesterday, and it can start with even you.

          Rah Rah. *shakes pom poms*

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          @NMN: It’s supposed to be creepy, and funny, and weird. But it was directly inspired by a YSaC 722, which is far creepier because someone actually wanted to do it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          :giggles:

          LL is shaking her pompoms at everyone.

          That’ll certainly bring in the lurkers!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          Her pom-poms bring all the boys to the snark.

          (I am not making a full parody of that. My brain is still tender from yesterday’s YSaC.)

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 30

          I lurked for a while because I was waiting.
          I was watching.
          Slowly, but surely, through this careful observation of the natives, I began to learn their ways.
          Though strange to the eyes of an outsider, I began to feel confident in my knowledge of their customs.
          Then I entered the Snark Lounge, but in secret, I began gathering more data, locating possible sites, building mater-

          Oh, you’re good. You’ve got me monologuing, you sly dog. Well, you’ll have to be better than that to catch me!

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, in considering it, I was directed to the Not.A.Lion meme. I made it about half-way down the pane of Favorite things, just filling up, and up, and up with touchè and riposte for the excellence there. I’m pretty sure I was distracted by a “Talk Amongst Yourselves” listing and dove right in.

          Which was an interesting day, if memory serves, I had one tab of the favorites open; one tab of the redirection pages, and a tab of the current page running at the time. But, I used to sit on beaches with six radios running ‘at me’ back in my Amphibious Operations days, too.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30

          I’m pretty sure my first day chatting here (I had been a lurker for a few months, I think) was when I was hopped up on caffeine, cold medicine, and narcotic painkillers. At work. :-D

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 30

          I believe I just saw that Lara was lurking in the nude. I could be wrong.
          But I don’t think so.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          Lara Croft?

          Thank you, video game rumors. If anyone knows what I’m talking about, congratulations! You think like me!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          Windrose permalink

          Smedley, Lara was hardly bare. She had a Cloak of Shadows.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          christina permalink

          I lurked for almost a year with the exception of a smattering of comments here and there. I’m not lurking this week, in fact, there’s a few days I haven’t read at all. It’s not my fault though, I’m being held hostage by the Kindle and beyond copyright books.
          I can’t believe I’d never read any of the Oz books as a kid. I’m having a hard time stomaching the sexism though.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          You should try the original Tarzan books some time. Definitely not what you would call “politically correct”. I’m fond of the Princess of Mars series, I think those are out of copyright as well.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30

          The original Winnie the Pooh books were a little creepy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 31
          Moira permalink

          christina and SJ, yes, all awesome and inexpensive-to-free reads. Actually, I like the Tarzan stuff better than the Barsoom series but probably because the fake science is distracting to me. I think I picked up ALL of Burroughs’ works in a single e-volume for 99 cents.

          Go pick up The Log of the Flying Fish for a bit of Victorian scifi/exploration.

          Also, a lot of H Beam Piper is available for free on mnybks.net (but, unfortunately, not the Fuzzies books).

          I loved the Oz books mostly to contrast them with all of the derivative works and adaptations.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 31
          Lara permalink

          I came here because an awesome friend directed me here. She’s had a few listings up and we sort of started a competition on who can get the most up. We’re even at the moment although hers have been better. She submitted the one about the dead missing snake that may or may not be in the sofa being listed. So there is my origin story.

          As for being naked, that was not me Smedley. Unlike that Lara, I can actually stand upright without falling over due to my boobage. I was named after the Lara from Dr. Zchivago before Lara Croft even existed. I played that Tomb Raider where you can make her naked though. It’s somehow empowering to come running around a corner with guns blazing, mowing down a bunch of MALE minions, all in her impossible anatomy without clothes. Mostly when you are pissed at a man though.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 31
          NotMyName permalink

          Yay, someone actually understood what I was getting at!

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 December 30
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Silly people! Don’t you see it is code?
    Using my Lil Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin, I have solved the post and offer you this:

    help. my furniture is holding me and my dog captive. we are trying not to anger the french providential especially. please come save us. and bring a blow torch.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 30
      Mindfield permalink

      Huh. All I got from my decoder ring was “Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine.”

      Adores: 8
    • 2010 December 30
      Moira permalink

      Mine is claiming “The bitch is redoing the living room AGAIN” and then it says “Tuna, tuna, SQUIRREL, cheesecake.” I think it’s been talking to the catulator.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Are you sure you don’t mean the “Up” dogulator?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          Moira permalink

          It couldn’t since I don’t have one of those and it’s strictly an indoor model. There is a walnut tree in the backyard, though, and the catulator is fascinated by the squirrels and will race from one window to another in order to watch them.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 30
      CapnMac permalink

      I tried a decoder, but all I got looked like this:

      0100.00 Start
      0100.01 Gibberish = Set.kthxbai//|\Scene::Tuna=stinky;
      0100.02 Declarations = Many!!TooManyToList[subr;gFzxr]
      0100.03 mailerDaemon /= Matt Damon~~eaten by KevinSmith
      0200.01 Valeues are deterministic aphorisma of daisy
      0200.02 SET Integer = Real
      0200.06 SET Real = Integer
      0200.03 SET String = Silly
      0300.00 Get GoingYouLazyGoofDorNothingandFindaJob!
      0300.01 Get INPUT
      0300.02 Get Furnityre
      0400.00 If numeric Then multiply i raied to e
      0500.00 If Green Then GetRidOfDogToo:;ULazyBum!!
      0600.00 If Ottom>0.5 THEN PlugDoorWay ELSE SofaEscape=onFire
      0700.00 Comphy
      0800.00 WhazzAt Behind Furniture
      0900.00 If /= Winter Bagel
      0900.10 IzAt a Zomb

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 December 30
        NotMyName permalink

        Matt Damon is a Daemon?*

        Yeah, that’s what stuck out for me.

        *Daemon. Deamon. Demon. Daedra. However you want to spell it.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 30
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Cap’n! This.is.awesome! I’m not quite geeky enough to actually get it, but I’m geeky enough to really appreciate it.

        Adores: 6
  10. 2010 December 30
    sarajean80 permalink

    Does the china cabinet contain a secret doorway into another world where self-immolating furniture is sold in fractions and everyone shouts constantly?

    I’m going to have to add that to my list of places to never visit.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 December 30
      NotMyName permalink

      Well, it sure as heck doesn’t go to Narnia, because if it did, no one in their right mind would sell it.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      Lola permalink

      Gonna go see Self-Immolating Furniture tonight at the 40 Watt.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 30
        CapnMac permalink

        I’m sore afraid to think how the 40waTt would spell out
        “Self-Immolating Furniture”
        with the always-incomplete batch of numerals and letters for the marquee sign . . .

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          L1V3 at tH3 40 waTt
          s3lF-1MM0laT1nG FurN1tuR3!

          Excuse me for a second …

          :repeatedly slams head in desk drawer:

          Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 30
        MandaB permalink

        They’re IF’s Flaming Lips cover band, aren’t they?

        Adores: 3
  11. 2010 December 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    For Incendiaria!

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 30
      CapnMac permalink

      And Beyond!!!

      (take the dog, too–but only for the holidays)

      Adores: 5
  12. 2010 December 30
    MandaB permalink

    Not the comphy chair!!!

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 December 30
      Lara permalink

      That makes perfect sense Manda! The Spanish Inquisition is holding Sparky and Coco hostage and this is a plea for help. I’m still working on how the china cabinet figures in.

      Two days of Monty Python references. I love you guys <3

      "Poke her with…the soft cushions!!" (shocking incidental music)

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 30
        MandaB permalink

        The china cabinet is the French Preventional contribution to the.New International Spanish Inquisition – now with more countries and less paella. Someone please pass the sangria. Manda needs a drink!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30

          No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 30
      NotMyName permalink

      Speaking of “comphy”, is comfy an actual word, or not? I know it’s short for comfortable, but is comfy in of itself an actual literary term?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30
        Windrose permalink

        I believe this is a word that through persistent usage has become a real word. The Blue Fairy appeared and waved her wand, and now he’s a real word. I just wish Isaac was here to verify that.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          Moira permalink

          It’s in the online dictionary, at least… with correct spellings for its comparatives, even!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30

          OED says that the use of “comfy” dates back to 1829: Hist. Little Louisa 82, I am saving up my money to buy them two blankets, and then they will be much more comfy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          Windrose permalink

          Merci, Bridgete (please place accent where appropriate)! The OED is the best! I always wish I had one when I am writing my Regency Romance novels. Don’t want to use some word like okay that hadn’t been in use at that time.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          christina permalink

          I lost all respect for the OED when they added refudiate.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          Lola permalink

          I’m not sure they added it, they marked it as a word of the year or something. (We have it on CD-ROM at work, so I consult from time to time.) That’s not quite the same as actually putting it in.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 31
          Lara permalink

          Regency Romances are only to be read for the sex, not the story or vocabulary. In fact, just skip straight to the sex. I usually end up saying “I could write something better than this” and putting it down.

          Adores: 1
  13. 2010 December 30
    Lola permalink

    Some thoughts:

    “Ava a wall unit”? How did they know to give it a female name?

    Xmal – it’s a size. These are actually miniature, as is the dog. (Miniature dashound, of course.)

    “LIGHT A FIRE AND AND HAVE A CUP OF COCO ON YOUR LIKE NEW FURNITURE” – after paying $600 for something, who wants to set fire to it? As well, isn’t Coco married to Ice-T? Depending on your gender he might object to a person having “a cup of Coco.”

    I need coffee. Today’s my Friday. I’m pleased. 8)

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      Lara permalink

      Perhaps they assume you have a death wish if you buy this. You could either light the fire while you are on the comphy chair or you could just inhale the fumes. It’s not right to involve Coco though, we aren’t in ancient Egypt here.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 30
      mudslicker permalink

      Ava a wall unit

      I think it’s from Virginia. Postal workers talking in code.

      Xmal

      It’s the holiday right after Xmas. I think it’s Spanish for ” xtra bad” in that we have no money and must sell all our furniture and the dog to pay the credit card bill.

      Adores: 3
  14. 2010 December 30
    Lara permalink

    I think that china cabinet maybe blocking of the torture chamber section of the house. Just ignore the blood spatter on the back of it.

    Adores: 3
  15. 2010 December 30
    Mindfield permalink

    Weet stepped up to the porch and rang the doorbell. In all his life, he could honestly say he’d never heard a doorbell play Rock the Casbah. It really wasn’t a song for bells. The sharif would indeed be most displeased.
    Weet opened the outer screen door, while at the same time the inner door opened.
    “Weeeeeeet!” called the man within cheerily. Neither of them had seen each other for years, not since they’d moved in separate directions, so this was going to be an exciting mini-reunion, The-Clash-on-Bells notwithstanding — which was still playing.
    “Buttle!” Weet smiled back, extending his hand, which was in turn shaken with firm vigor.
    “Come in! Come in!” Buttle said, sweeping his arm inside dramatically. Weet entered the house and started to take off his shoes. “Oh, don’t worry about your shoes, leave ‘em on. You’ll kind of need them.
    Weet was a little perplexed, as he had been raised never to wear shoes in the house, but it was Buttle’s house, so Buttle made the rules; Weet walked into the living room to his left and onto the carpet. Or what at first glance appeared to be the carpet. As a general rule however, carpets didn’t usually crunch, and he stopped after taking his first step, thinking he’d just stepped on something he shouldn’t have stepped on. He looked down to see what it might be and saw that this wasn’t the sort of carpet he expected to find in a home.
    “Like it?” Buttle asked. “That there is an industrial-strength nanotech polymer carpet. Anti-slip, self-cleaning, never needs vacuuming — the nanobots inside just consume everything for you and emit waste as heat. Isn’t technology amazing?”
    Weet had absolutely no idea what that meant exactly. All he knew was that the carpet crunched, and he was pretty sure he didn’t want to fall on it — both because of its rather painfully rigid structure, but also because he had a horrifying vision of being swarmed by billions of microscopic robots and skeletonized in mere seconds. “Wow, um. Yeah. Yeah, sure is, isn’t it?”
    “Hey, have a seat!” Buttle said, indicating a suggested place to park his butt.
    Weet looked at it. For a brief moment he thought this was an illusion of some sort, as there was only half a chair where he was directed, and it was still somehow standing on its remaining two legs. It wasn’t that the chair was merely split in half, either, but rather it was the opposing corners that were missing, leaving only the rear left and front right quarters incredibly standing on their own with apparently the corners meeting at the center being the only support this chair had.
    Weet tried to puzzle the chair out for another moment before looking back at Buttle.
    Buttle looked back at him, slightly confused for a moment before realizing what the problem was. “Oh! Yes, that does look a bit odd, doesn’t it? It’s perfectly fine though. Go on, have a seat, you’ll see.”
    Weet raised an eyebrow and then slowly, dubiously, lowered his rump down on the impossible chair, gingerly making contact with the remaining bits of cushion and gradually applying more pressure until he was satisfied that it wasn’t going to cave in on itself. It did, in fact, appear to be sturdy enough to hold his weight, but just to be sure, Weet decided not to make any sudden movements. Perhaps the more disturbing part was that whatever the filler material was underneath the upholstery, it crunched, too.
    “So,” Weet opened. “Interesting, uh, place you’ve got here.”
    “Oh, thank you!” Buttle said, sitting down on the sofa that sat at an angle to him. It, too, crunched. “Furnished it myself, got some great deals offa Craigslist, and half this stuff I got off of one guy. Like this lovely cherry oak coffee table, the matching drapes–” Buttle pointed at his drapes, which did indeed look quite wooden. “–the dining table and chairs, and that gorgeous china cabinet over there.”
    Weet followed Buttle’s finger over to the corner of the living room. It was the same reddish, highly glossed wood as the rest, and really quite beautiful. Behind the ornate doors were several glass shelves backed by a full-back mirror. On the left, fine china sat almost upright in display racks along the top two shelves, while a random assortment of curios and tchotchkes sat on a pair of shelves below. On the right was beagle. It stared straight at him and let out an tentative “wuff.”
    “Um…” Weet started, but wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it, so he just came out and said it. “There’s … there’s a dog. In your china cabinet. A dog.”
    “Hmm?” Buttle responded absently. “Oh! Right, the dog. He came with the cabinet. I think it’s a ‘he,’ anyway.”
    Weet was a little dumbfounded. “Does he … uh … it … have a name?”
    Buttle looked slightly surprised. “Well, I can’t say that he does — never even thought about it, really. He’s just always been sort of there, part of the display. I toss in a bit of kibble and some water now and then, and he pretty much just sits there, hardly makes a sound.”
    Weet felt like he should be appalled at the indifference, but everything thus far just felt too surreal to treat with indigence, and a part of him wondered when the mad hatter was going to turn up for tea. Instead, an unshaven man with red hair appeared in the archway to the kitchen, startling him. Weet looked back and forth between Buttle and the man.
    “Um … who’s that?”
    Buttle again looked slightly vacant before realizing they were not alone. He looked over at the man, then back to Weet. “Oh, him? That’s Conan O’Brien.”
    “Ah,” Weet said noncommittally.
    “Would you like a cup?” asked Buttle.
    “A cup of what?”
    “Of CoCo.”
    “Cocoa?”
    “No, CoCo. Conan. Would you like a cup of Conan?”
    Conan rapidly tilted his head from side to side slightly, making his swept-back bangs jiggle.
    The dog wuffed briefly at Conan.
    Weet was stoned. He couldn’t quite put his finger on exactly what it was that felt off about pretty much everything, and he didn’t remember partaking of any psychotropics, but he was quite convinced of it now. He was absolutely clean out of his head and was wandering through a drug-induced hallucination which was just far enough this side of real to be sitting at the very bottom of the uncanny valley.
    “Weet?” Buttle asked.
    Weet stood up with a jolt. His chair collapsed against itself. He crunched across the carpet, went straight to the front door — which was still playing Rock the Casbah — and went outside in the hopes that the cool air would help clear his head.
    Weet!” Buttle called, still inside his house. Or he would be calling Weet’s name from inside his house if either he or his house existed, which they most certainly did not. He walked to his car in the non-existent driveway, got in, started it up, and backed out on to the street, which he hoped was really there, and went to what he hoped was, in fact, his home.

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 December 30

      That was genius. Especially the part with Conan.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 30
        Limelolly permalink

        I… I’m afraid I didn’t understand it. I was going to wait and run it through my alkyfilter tonight.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          The embedded Alice in Wonderland reference, and the oblique nod to Brazil (the movie, not the country) pretty much assure you that this one is just a little bit on the offbeat side and may not entirely “work” without a little help. :)

          Mind you, I rarely know where I’m going with it when I start one of these things in the first place. I just pick one or two standout elements and kind of scribble around them until it starts to make sense. Sometimes I don’t make it the entire way there. Sometimes I end up in Albuquerque.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 31
          Lara permalink

          Everyone ends up in Albuquerque eventually.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 December 30
      LurkRealClose permalink

      I couldn’t make it through, I got distracted trying to figure out how to make my doorbell play Rock the Casbah. I’ll go back at it, though, for the Alice in Wonderland references.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 30

        Just remember, it’s always a left turn at Alba-koi-key.

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30

      I loved it. Then again, I always did like surreal short stories and “The Twilight Zone”.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 30
        Mindfield permalink

        Yeah, I was feeling a little David Lynchy when I wrote that. Just not Lynchy enough to write in a backward-talking midget.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Ick.

          Now that we can use software applications to typeset characters in reverse, I know have a horrific vision of modern-day “beat” posy actually reversed as a “statement.”

          Said statement probably saying more about the intoxicated and debased state of the author than of any higher meaning in Art.

          Was hard enough to read that, well, “excrement” when it was randomly formatted across pages or into single-word “paragraphs”–being able to set it upside down or in revers or in mirroe image?

          Like to get the kindle/nook/iPad sent off discus-style to do mayhem upon unseen passers-by <sigh>

          Adores: 1
  16. 2010 December 30
    Moira permalink

    WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED

    We’ve apparently got the living room pretty well covered (with bonus pet!) but haven’t even TOUCHED the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen or office. I wonder if Sparky has any interesting “like new” furniture for those rooms, too.

    Dimensions would be nice, though.
    The hubby once made the mistake of buying a bedroom set without measuring first and ended up with roughly a 2 foot clearance to walk around the bed once all the furniture got wedged into the room. Frankly, I’m amazed they were able to get it all in.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      MandaB permalink

      “I’m amazed they were able to get it all in.”

      That’s what she said.

      Sorry folks – today the role of Manda is being played by a cranky, overtired, but easily amused 14 year old boy.

      Adores: 12
      • 2010 December 30
        mudslicker permalink

        All they usually need are a gaming system, a 2 litre bottle of Mountain Dew and about 10 packages of Pizza Rolls.

        Are you good now?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          I just got on, and saw this comment on the 5-most-recent-comments thing, and I thought, that sounds like me.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          mudslicker permalink

          I believe you need TWO 2 litre bottles of Mountain Dew.

          ;)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          This may actually be true.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          One full and one empty for “emergencies”?

          Just be sure to label which is which.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          It would take longer to use the “emergency” bottle than it would to get to the bathroom, which is less than 30 feet away.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          MandaB permalink

          Apparently if I was a 14 year old boy, 14 year old boys would also require chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Based on my experience with thirteen year old boys, you would require several dozen chocolate chip cookies and a gallon of milk. This is called a “light snack” and should be eaten twenty minutes before dinner.

          Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 30
        Windrose permalink

        Manda, we haven’t seen Grampdaddy in a l0ng time! Is he okay?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30

          I was just thinking the same thing. Everything all right in grade school land?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          MandaB permalink

          He’s fine, just been travelling and busy I believe. Possibly also suffering from snark damage, but I’m not sure. :)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          mudslicker permalink

          Tell him mudsy says, “Hey there!!!”

          I was hoping those children he teaches didn’t take him hostage during a Christmas Pageant sugar binge.

          Adores: 3
  17. 2010 December 30
    Indigo permalink

    XMAL : Not the traditional mall, yet not ready to be rated XXX Adult Mall.
    Specializing in oversized moldy-looking furniture and free shelter dogs.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Shelter dogs…pffft. I tried getting under a shelter dog in a rainstorm once and still ended up getting totally wet.

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 December 30
        Mindfield permalink

        Maybe yours is defective. Did you pull the tail to open up the canopy?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 30

          Or was it near the tail?

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 30
        mudslicker permalink

        That’s because you got under a Holey Rover. Those bible banging hounds. They leak like a sieve.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30

          Just put some Spice Christ pamphlets on it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 31
          Lara permalink

          Shouldn’t that be Spice Chris?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 31
          Moira permalink

          Only if you are going for the cheap-o knock-off. The real thing is a better value, though. Stands up better in rain.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 30
      NotMyName permalink

      Now, XMAL is probably supposed to be XMAS…But what’s bothering me* is, the X and the L are on opposite sides of the keyboard….

      *Well, one of the many things bothering me about this ad.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 30

        As are S and L.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          oh, whoops. Didn’t even notice my mistake.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30

          Oh. I thought you were pointing out that Sparky’s fingers had no business being anywhere near “L”.

          Adores: 1
  18. 2010 December 30
    Gail permalink

    The living room furniture must be French Preventional, because that China cabinet is advancing towards it in a bitzkrieg fashion.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 30
      Lola permalink

      Speaking of new-ish people, hi, Gail! I see you time to time; please comment more. Thanks!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30

        Bitzkrieg. v, Eng., Exactly how you don’t want that new computer virus to approach your computer.
        “Man, that Stuxnet really did a bitzkrieg on my hard drive.”

        Adores: 1
  19. 2010 December 30
    Mindfield permalink

    There are two of me in the box with Hammy.

    Two dogs, one pork.

    Kinky!

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 30
      mudslicker permalink

      You said a mouthfull!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30
        Limelolly permalink

        *herk*

        That was the sound of hurlariousness in action.

        Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 30

      Oops, I dropped my bacon flavored pecil.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        Don’t drop the soap pecil!

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 30
        Mindfield permalink

        “Dear Snarkhouse Forums,

        I never thought this would happen to me, but…”

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Please, for the love of Clothespin Jeebus, do not post the rest of that letter.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 30
          christina permalink

          No way, finish it. It’ll make for nice reading while I drink my evening coco.

          Adores: 2
  20. 2010 December 30
    Litarider permalink

    Does “CHINELE” mean Chinese or dog-like in French?

    *PS: Is aware that the answer to this question is no.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30
      Mindfield permalink

      Actually, I think it’s either a brand of paper plate, or toilet paper. Or toilet paper plates.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        toilet paper plates

        There is such a thing as too much recycling.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          Toilet paper plates toilet paper.

          There, it’s worse now.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30

          I see your worse now, and raise you one much, much worse:
          Toilet paper plates toilet paper toilet.

          I’m liking this potty humor.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 30
        NotMyName permalink

        Port-a-potty paper plates.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          Paper port-a-potties. No need to empty, it soaks up waste. You can see when it’s getting full, it starts kind of sagging. When done, just crumple it up and chuck it down the sewer.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          port-a-potty plastic cutlery.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Eek, have to [corey] that there is ongoing research on pressed woodpulp shells for portapotties, the better to improve the recyclability of them.

          The present ‘trouble’ in reaching that goal would be in the need for hinges, door latches, the incredibly-necessary storage tank, and the lid-seat combo.

          Recall that these conveniences must be able to withstand long-term storage in yards awaiting use (the tanks are emptied). They also get posted for the length of projects like road-building which can span years (a service truck visits either once or twice a week). They are also lifted into upper floors of buildings under construction.

          Some complex engineering for such a simple (and needed) item, that often goes entire into a landfill when beyond use. Which is a waste, in all senses of the word.
          [/corey]

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 30
      Windrose permalink

      Wasn’t there a singing duo called The Captain and Chinele?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 31
        Lara permalink

        I love you Windy

        Adores: 0
  21. 2010 December 30

    Inner monologue: *wtch! wtch!* Get back to work! I don’t care if nobody in your department decided to show up for work today, or if your boss decided he was “snowed in”, you need to focus! Your caffeine/blood ratio is only APPROACHING critical levels, you better do something about that! What do you MEAN they only gave you 1 day to do a 2-day project? That’s what the caffeine is for, wussy-pants!

    Outer monologue: *meep* ……….but I have to pee……….

    ————————————-

    Yes, today my inner monologue is played by this guy. Also, just because google images safe search is set to “moderate” does not mean that an innocent-sounding search will not result in two dudes going at it on some sex toy packaging thing. This has been another life lesson brought to you by: trauma.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 30
      NotMyName permalink

      What were you searching for?!

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 30

        “screaming drill sergeant”

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          NotMyName permalink

          That makes me want to block out the thought of what image came up even more.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Brain Bleach Margaritas for everyone!

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 30
      Limelolly permalink

      Feel your pain… I had to pee too. But at 4PM CST… I should be the last one in the office… huzzah. Then I’m cranking up the tunes.

      Adores: 2
  22. 2010 December 30
    kelli permalink

    NO.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 30

      MAYBE.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30
        christina permalink

        MEH.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30

        PRETTY PLEASE?

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 30
        Mindfield permalink

        I AM YELLING.

        EDIT: AGAIN.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30

          BUT WHERE HAS THE RUM FLASK GONE?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 30
          Camille permalink

          ASK LOLA. SHE’S THE KEEPER OF THE FLASK.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 30
          Mindfield permalink

          CHEESEBURGER, ONION RINGS, AND A LARGE ORANGE DRINK.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30
          Windrose permalink

          WHATEVERS.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30

          So to confirm your order, you asked for the cheesy fries, **static**, and a large catamaran?

          Adores: 7
  23. 2010 December 30
    David:) permalink

    You get:
    Thing
    Thing
    Thing
    Dog
    Thing

    Now, let’s figure out what doesn’t belong, k?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 30

      I’ll take…

      …the ellipsis for 2,000, Alex David.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 31
        LimeLolly permalink

        Thing 1 and Thing 2 – they really belong with the Cat-in-the-Hat.

        Adores: 2
  24. 2010 December 31
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, Mindfield, Mindfield, and HamCan, line up over there. Now Share This! Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Thomasville!

    Adores: 1

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