YSaC, Vol. 1090: Thank you, thank you very much.

2011 September 30

WEDDING DRESS – $180


ONE OF KING WEDDING DRESS
EXQUISITE DETAIL SIZE 8
CASK ONLY
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NUMBER

It’s choose your own adventure time!

If you want Dan to make a joke about playing cards, skip to number (1).

If you want Dan to make a joke about “Cask Only” skip to number (2).

If you want Dan to make a joke about Elvis, skip to number (9).

(1)

If you want Dan to make a poker reference, skip to number (3).

If you want Dan to make a bridge reference, skip to number (4).

(2)

If you want Dan to make a joke about the contents of the cask, skip to number (6).

If you want Dan to make a joke about cask dresses vs. draft or bottled dresses, skip to number (8).

If you need instructions in Spanish, toque el numero dos ahora.

(3)

One of king – that’s not a very good hand. They better hope for something good on the flop. Now go to number (7).

(4)

One of King? I can beat that – I bid two of “To order additional playing cards, contact us at this address.” Now go to number (7).

(5)

How did you even get here? Oh well, shh… don’t tell anyone else – it will be our little private space. Do you like gladiator movies?

(6)

Cask only, eh? What would you like the cask full of? I can probably find some used paint thinner, or possibly some bacon grease. Now go to number (7).

(8)

Cask only, eh? That’s OK if you’re serving the dress at room temperature, but for colder temperatures, you’re probably going to prefer draft or bottled. Now go to number (7).

(9)

One of King, eh? This must be somewhere between the “68 Comeback Special” period and the “Fat Sequined Jumpsuit” period. We’ll call it the “Taffeta Cross Dressing” period. (Note – this may not actually be taffeta – I’m a guy, I have no idea.)

Now go to number (7).

Thanks for the post, MR!

Now go to number (7).

76 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 September 30

    Please choose your own witty comment;

    1. Nope.

    2. Only on Tuesdays.

    3. But I just had that sofa Scotchguarded!

    4. Kumquats.

    5. Zombie Jesus told me to do it.

    6. You know … ninjas.

    8. I saw what you did there 😉

    9. I’m not putting on the Big Bird costume again – it chafes.

    10. Does this look infected?

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 September 30
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      I’ll take #3, Alex.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 30
      Spaceman.Spiff permalink

      “My hovercraft is full of eels.”

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 September 30

        Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait ’til lunchtime!

        Adores: 0
  2. 2011 September 30
    MandaB permalink

    You know it’s going to be a very special wedding if you can pay for your dress with booze.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 30

      Usually booze is what leads to someone needing a wedding dress.

      Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 30
      Lola permalink

      While the dress doesn’t look *that* bad (and would not fit me), a cask might be required were I to wear it.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 30

      But will there be a nacho fountain at the reception?

      Adores: 5
  3. 2011 September 30
    Innana permalink

    …… you might be a redneck!

    Adores: 3
  4. 2011 September 30
    mud "" slicker permalink

    There is no number 7. Now I’m depressed and caught in a vortex.

    🙁

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 30
      Windrose permalink

      Rule number 6: There is NO . . . rule 6.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 30
        mud "" slicker permalink

        42.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          “Crack Two!”

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Crack Two, East of Java.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 30
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      Remember, Rule 34!

      Adores: 3
  5. 2011 September 30

    7) I like cheese.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 September 30

      7) I like pie!

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 September 30
        Lola permalink

        (7) I love lamp.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          7) Pecil!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          7) My dress is peach. I’m not a virgin.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30

          7) My other dress is a squirrel costume.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          7) I’d rather be driving my squirrel costume.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          Lola permalink

          My other squirrel costume is an honor student.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          My other squirrel costume can beat up your other squirrel costume.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 30
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          7) My squirrel can beat up your honor student while wearing a wedding dress and saving the whales.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 30

          … in bed.

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 September 30

        7A) I like apple pie, with a thin slice of cheddar cheese on top, but only if it’s warm..not the cheese, the pie and ice cream on the side, but if you don’t have ice cream then only the pie with cheese if it’s warm but if you can’t warm the pie then just bring me a Twinkie unless you don’t have Twinkies and then just forget it.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 September 30

          7A2) That reminds me of the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m’shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where was I… oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn’t get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I like the purple red onions. So sorry they weren’t invented yet.

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 30

        7.1. I really do like pie.

        7.2. I know a couple of guys.

        7.3. They (pause) really do like pie.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 30

          7½. Aren’t kings who wear wedding dresses usually known as drag queens?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 30
          LimeLolly permalink

          Don’t tell Louis that.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 30

          7.4 And loving lovers love as loving lovers love.

          Adores: 1
  6. 2011 September 30
    mud "" slicker permalink

    11) What I want to know is: Is Sparky Fortunato or Montresor; and should we bring our own bricks to the wedding?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 30
      Lola permalink

      Bricks will be supplied; it’s your own trowel for the mortar that you might want to supply.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 30
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      “For the love of God, Montresor, are those beets on that dress?”

      Adores: 7
  7. 2011 September 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    :headdesk:

    I thought someone dug up Elvis and stole his wedding dress.

    What is wrong with me?!!??!!

    Adores: 8
  8. 2011 September 30

    CASK ONLY

    Actually, it looks more like a cask with a train tacked on.

    (still frantically pushing 7)

    Adores: 2
  9. 2011 September 30

    I don’t think Elvis was a size 8 at any time in his adult life, maybe this is from his confused childhood.

    Adores: 7
  10. 2011 September 30
    Lola permalink

    Anyone else wonder why the top right picture looks like a strapless design and the other two don’t? Is this magic? Is it something that occurs after you drink the cask (I would have thought the whole dress would come off at that point, not just the straps)?

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 30
      mud "" slicker permalink

      Perhaps it’s that removal peach-colored kevlar vest that goes over it.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 30
      Windrose permalink

      Lola, it does look like a strapless underdress with the ornate vest worn over it. Or a peach-colored kevlar vest. I’d go with that.

      Adores: 1
  11. 2011 September 30
    Windrose permalink

    Look at that fine craftsmanship, that attention to detail, and obvious hours of toil to pull it all together. No, not the dress, the post! Way to go, Dan! This one will live in the YSaC museum forever.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 30

      Yeah, I was kinda overwhelmed (I guess “kinda” might change it from “overwhelmed” to just “whelmed”, but nobody’s ever “whelmed”) by the amount of work that went into the choose your own adventure feature. Kudos.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 September 30
        Dan permalink

        Actually, I wrote it in about ten minutes at the last minute, but thanks!

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 30
          drmk permalink

          And set it to go public at 10:30 at night tonight. IF had to rescue it this morning.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Go Public At 10:30 At Night is IF’s The Time cover band.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          Windrose permalink

          Sorry I slept in this morning, I could have done that. Oh well, at least it’s all better now.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 September 30

          No worries, Windy … it was rescued at about 5 am your time by the intrepid IF, so it was only delayed by about an hour.

          This is why we have friends who have admin access to the site … so they can clean up our messes!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30

          The best things in life are…FRIENDS!

          Adores: 2
  12. 2011 September 30
    Windrose permalink

    “PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NUMBER”

    Uhm, 7?

    Adores: 4
  13. 2011 September 30

    867-5309

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 30
      Lola permalink

      Guess Tommy Tutone never actually called her and she’s selling the dress. Sad!

      Adores: 6
  14. 2011 September 30
    Windrose permalink

    Funky is in the box today! She will be leading the hymns just as soon as she is released from the burn center.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 30
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      I hate to be a tattletale, but someone’s been writing on the walls in here.

      Wait a minute. That ain’t magic marker.

      Ew.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 30
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Is it sparkly sanding sugar sprinkled on ribbons of melted chocolate?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 30
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          That’s right, Ghostie was in here yesterday.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 30

          It was like that when I got here!

          Umm … ninjas did it!

          :runs away:

          Adores: 5
  15. 2011 September 30

    7) Here, hold my beer!

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 30

      7b) Now watch this!

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 30
        Windrose permalink

        7c) We’re going to need another Timmy.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 30
          Lola permalink

          7(d) We’re going to need a bigger handbasket casket witness protection program.

          ETA: I just edited twice and got stack overflow line 16 notices both times. Could still edit, in both cases.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          7e) Now hold my pie.

          Is the corner free? I’m taking my Twizzlers and the tv guide for some “me” time.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 30
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Is it a cheese pie?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Cheese and pie have no business intermingling. It’s like crossing the streams. Like other-species copulation. Like a McCain and Palin running ticket.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 30
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Ah mes amie, a “cheesecake” is actually a pie. And, sweet or savory, both are good.

          And, all quiche are pies, and are quite divine with the right sorts of cheese.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 September 30
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Cheesecakes aren’t pies. They’re cakes. And quiches are quiches or else they wouldn’t call them that. Silly cappy.

          🙂

          Adores: 0
  16. 2011 September 30
    camille permalink

    7f) Because, you know, ninjas.

    (oops, that was supposed to be nested above)

    Adores: 4
  17. 2011 September 30

    Cool! Nobody went for “Short for Casket”.

    1. “Bride O’ Frankenstein”
    2. “The Corpse Bride”
    3. “Cold Ethel”
    4. ???
    5. Profit!

    Adores: 2
  18. 2011 October 1
    Windrose permalink

    *opens door to box very carefully* Funky? You in here? uh, Punchity Punch Punch? Yeah, that’s okay. You just keep sleeping, dear. 8) Bless her heart.

    G’Night, Niagara Falls!

    Adores: 1
  19. 2011 October 11
    danno permalink

    The best part about this post is that Dan knows the difference between cask and draught!

    Adores: 0

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