YSaC, Vol. 1486: Come on baby, haul my fire

2013 April 8

free bonfire

Free will have to have big trailer or dump truck thanks

Dear Mr. Explainer Person,

What would happen if I tried to haul a bonfire in a big trailer or dump truck?

-Kim, age 6

Dear Kim,

That is a fascinating question. Here at Mr. Explainer Person we often tell our readers to “try things out!” In this case, I think you should probably just use the power of imagination. Or else you may have to have a chat with nice Mr. Policeman.

Thanks for the nice letter, Kim!

41 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 April 8

    This is a new approach! I usually just put the bonfire in the yard or living room of the person I want to surprise. And you would be amazed at how few people remember to thank me for doing that.

    Adores: 18
  2. 2013 April 8
    kelli permalink

    Is this a limited time offer?

    Adores: 5
  3. 2013 April 8

    Read my ad; pull up your truck, darlin’
    Do you hear this fire roaring?
    It’s yours, and it’s free,
    But you have to haul.
    Am I only dreaming,
    Or is this burning an eternal flame?

    Adores: 7
  4. 2013 April 8

    Is it time for Burning Man already? Well, guess I better dig out the old latex bikini and head West.

    Adores: 6
  5. 2013 April 8
    DigitalAxis permalink

    I remember that one!

    Adam Savage: Ha ha ha. And they said it couldn’t be done. Transporting a pure bonfire across state lines. It took us what, seven tries?
    Jamie Hyneman: Well, yeah, but the truck’s on fire now.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 April 8

      Adam: Precisely, I would consider this a one-hundred percent success. This has to be my favorite myth so far!

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 April 8

        Jamie: Not quite.


        Now it’s one hundred percent.

        Adores: 10
        • 2013 April 8
          DigitalAxis permalink

          Adam: Ho-le-(bleep). Am I missing an eardrum?
          Jamie: Looks like one of the tires blew in the heat.
          Adam: Do you even HAVE a facial expression for surprised?
          Jamie: …no.

          Adores: 15
      • 2013 April 8
        mudslicker permalink

        Now I want Mentos and Coke.


        Adores: 4
        • 2013 April 8
          ArtsyComputerGeek permalink

          I want to be them if I ever decide to grow up!!!!!

          Adores: 2
    • 2013 April 8

      It’s the only way to keep away the bees.

      Adores: 5
      • 2013 April 8
        CapnMac permalink

        Wait, just what sort of heretic wants to be free of bees?
        If it were those filthy wasps, that would be different.
        Bees be upon you and carry your apostasy to the Bonfires!

        Adores: 2
  6. 2013 April 8
    camille permalink

    I always wanted a fire truck.

    Adores: 8
  7. 2013 April 8
    arallyn permalink

    Maybe if those guys got together with these guys, they could make a hot tub.

    Adores: 4
  8. 2013 April 8

    The rental car folks will be happy as pigs in shit to see this guy!

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 April 8
      ArtsyComputerGeek permalink

      I am imagining a great U Haul ad in the making.

      Adores: 4
  9. 2013 April 8
    Ralph permalink

    Scale down the concept a bit and it works fine.

    Adores: 2
  10. 2013 April 8
    ArtsyComputerGeek permalink

    I think it would be a nice gift for our annoying (read controlling) HOA.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2013 April 8
    Crows permalink

    I’d seen a firefly.
    I’d seen a firetruck.
    I’d seen a fly in Truckee.
    I’d be done see’n about everything when I see a firetruckfly!

    Adores: 2
  12. 2013 April 8
    CapnMac permalink

    You call that piddly thing a bonfire?
    Some of us know Bonfire:

    Adores: 2
  13. 2013 April 8
    CraigsLister permalink

    The rollin bonfire
    Ah the memories of my long-haul days that brings
    I still have my union card
    Brimstone / Explosives And Satanic Truckers
    local 666

    Adores: 3
  14. 2013 April 8
    limelolly permalink

    If anyone starts singing “This Girl Is On Fire”, I will shun you!


    Adores: 5
  15. 2013 April 8
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    Could it be that this Sparky has finally given up the fight?

    Adores: 2
  16. 2013 April 8
    Windrose permalink

    Dang, what a day for Bombdude to not show up. Unless he is the Spark behind the bonfire!

    Adores: 1
  17. 2013 April 8

    *puts hair up in bun, settles reading glasses on end of nose, sticks an extra pencil behind ear and starts to type*

    Title: Bonfire of the Inhumanities

    Cast: Colin Hanks, Rumer Willis, Dakota (Griffith) Johnson and a special appearance by Morgan Freeman as Mr. Explainer Person

    Opening Scene: Wide shot along Route 66 in the middle of the desert. Older model dump truck traveling toward camera. Switch shot to cab, where Hanks, Willis and Johnson are sitting, laughing and chatting to each other. As the shot widens and we notice flames leaping ever higher from the dump box, we hear Morgan Freeman in voiceover: ” A lovely day is dawning over the Mohave. We see our three traveling companions returning from an early morning pick-up off a Craigslist ad. They know that only the best items can be obtained by being the first to respond and had agreed to share in whatever profits were…”


    “The End”

    Adores: 8
  18. 2013 April 8
    CapnMac permalink

    Bier? No, I said I wanted a truckload of b-e-e-r!

    Adores: 2
  19. 2013 April 8
    PhantomBanker permalink

    Nicolas Cage’s newest movie…Ghost Ryder Truck.

    Adores: 1
  20. 2013 April 9
    Ralph permalink

    “Hey Bubba, there’s a f*ckin big bonfire on that there trailer!”

    “No sh*it, Ernie — ya got any damn marshmallows?”

    — Bonfire of the Profanities.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 April 9
      Ralph permalink

      “Cletus, there’s a bonfire coming down the road.”

      “Is it left-handed or right-handed?”

      — Bonfire of the Inanities.

      Adores: 2
  21. 2013 April 9

    limelolly, a snark a day keeps the sparkies at bay! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Nero!

    Adores: 0

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