YSaC, Vol. 1578: You’re from 1997, but I’m a 2013 b*tch.

2013 August 14

1997 Keebler Holiday Cookies – $99

Just in time! Better to invest in 16 year old cookies than to have a flock of dirty magpies on Wall Street feathering their nest with your life savings.
These 1997 Keebler Holiday Cookies are unopened, factory fresh and aged to perfection for the discriminating palate! Seize the moment and have nice day!

All I can say is that I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea to eat cookies that are old enough to drive. I think even Cookie Monster might agree! Cookie Monster, what do you think?

Thanks, Camille!

28 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 August 14

    That’s a fun video, Camille! I think I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Food Poisoning before, though.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 August 14
      camille permalink

      Sadly, I cannot take credit for finding the video, just the ad.

      Adores: 3
  2. 2013 August 14

    If you truly had a discriminating palate, you’d eat only holiday cookies that had spent 25 years in an oak cask in a French monastery, preferably one that had received the royal warrant to produce white-fudge-covered graham crackers for the royal court. [/faux Corey]

    Adores: 4
  3. 2013 August 14
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Me think someone slipped Cookie the ” special” cookies for adults only. Why else is there a rave on Sesame Street? And why wasn’t me invited? Hmph.

    Adores: 1
  4. 2013 August 14

    How much for just the Cheerio? And how old is it? Do you have a picture?

    Adores: 7
  5. 2013 August 14
    Coyttl permalink

    … Is it sad I want to try these?

    Adores: 2
  6. 2013 August 14

    Yes, but are they artisanal?

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 August 14
      zero.nada.none. permalink

      I invest in cookies all the time. (I acquired some high-grade ginger snaps just yesterday) Unfortunately, I don’t have the patience or self-control to hold them to maturity. I guess I’m like that furry green puppet, Cookie Monster. I’ll never get rich in the Cookie Commodities Futures market.

      Adores: 5
  7. 2013 August 14

    Too bad that “1997” is part of the tin, that’s a dead giveaway. I was imagining these wrapped up in beautiful Christmas paper with an elegant bow and a gift tag that reads: To: The Ex. Anyone have a black Magic Marker?

    Adores: 2
  8. 2013 August 14

    Pssh…Sparky, I got 99 problems, but a cookie ain’t one of them.

    Adores: 9
  9. 2013 August 14
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Yeah right. Like I want more internet cookies.

    Adores: 17
  10. 2013 August 14
    Brer Fox permalink

    discriminating palate

    I think that means my palate will be jusscreaminatme.

    Although, I am a Canid. Dogs are Canids. Dogs will eat almost anything. But I’m not a dog. I’m a fox. I prefer chicken.
    Oh hey! Cookies have eggs in them, right? Maybe they’ve hatched by now.

    Adores: 1
  11. 2013 August 14
    Ralph permalink

    Which holiday? Elves’ Birthday?

    Adores: 2
  12. 2013 August 14
    P-Rex permalink

    1997 Keebler Holiday Cookies

    Exactly what it says on the tin.

    Adores: 19
    • 2013 August 14
      nojazzhere permalink

      “…..but I’m a 2013 b*tch”…..bio-tech?…

      Adores: 5
  13. 2013 August 14

    Aged Cookies was a very short-lived religious sacrament. It really only involved a small handful of participants, all cloistered monks who lived in a small, mountainside monastery. These monks initially subsisted on nothing but chocolate cookies, warm milk, and fish heads that fell from the sky. The monks believed the fish heads, similar to the manna from heaven the wandering Jewish tribe received after fleeing from Egypt, were sent by God. These monks believed when the fish heads represented some sin one of their member had committed. When the fish heads were less palatable, the monks would endure self-flagellation until the fish heads improved. They believed that the food from heaven would eventually change to bread resembling manna if the order managed to lead a sinless, exemplary life. The truth about the fish heads is they fell from nests of a small flock of birds living in the cliffs above their monastery, the refuse of the nestlings after they ate their fill.

    The Aged Cookies sacrament began a few years after a cookie of one of the monks fell off his tray. In the darkness, he did not notice it fall and merely felt the kitchen had made an error in his daily provision. This occurred in his third year of membership in the monastery.

    During his eighth year, he borrowed the moastery’s one candle to perform a thorough cleaning of his cloister. He found the cookie and, judging by the ring of dust around it, realized it was quite old. Reasoning it was intended by God, he ate it. Shortly thereafter, he began hallucinating a blue form that seeme to talk to him. Several months later, during his annual hour of conversation, he described this to the elders of the order. They felt this was the spirit’s efforts to communicate with them, so they began keeping a few cookies aside to try to receive the message. Cookies aged up to six years yielded no result. Beginning with the seventh year, some began to see a blue shape that seemed to be a floating, mumbling figure.

    As the monks ate older and older cookies, the shape began to take form and the sounds from the shape began to resemble words. This increasing clarity changed very gradually as the cookies consumed were older and older.

    Finally, a monk consumed a cookie that was 24 years old. The image and its message came into sharp relief. It was a fuzzy, blue monster with white, googly eyes that kept repeating, “damn, it really sucks having somebody’s hand up my ass and I’m so sick and tired of cookies!”

    Despite the fact this monk’s annual hour of conversation had just passed a week previous, he stood among his brethren and screamed about what he just saw. The entire order felt completely let down. They tossed all of their aged cookies into the trash, burned the monastery, and joined the nearby nudist colony, which welcomed their newest members with a baccanal that included a spit-roasted pig and several casks of 20-year-old scotch.

    I feel compelled (though I suspect nobody in this group will feel this way) to apologize to those of us who come from religious backgrounds for any perceived sacrilege.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 August 14
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      Aged Cookies is the name of my elderly Ace of Base cover band

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 August 14
        Bratty Innocence permalink

        CAUTION….after 16 years those cookies may be corked…

        Adores: 1
      • 2013 August 14
        Kaziganthi permalink

        Perceived Sacrilege is my Black Sabbath cover band.

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 August 14
          MissMommyNiceNice permalink

          I smell a reunion tour! Squee!

          Adores: 0
  14. 2013 August 14
    HamCan permalink

    Don’t worry, they won’t hurt you
    They only have some fungus
    I was dreamin when I wrote this
    Forgive me if its gross today
    But when I woke up this mornin
    Coulda sworn it was vintage cereal day
    The sky went all purple,
    I had the runs everywhere
    Tryin to run for the porcelain destination,
    You know I didn’t even care

    Cuz they say two thousand dirty magpies party over,
    Oops out of time
    So tonight Im gonna eat Keeblers from 1997

    Adores: 8
  15. 2013 August 14
    CapnMac permalink

    Sorry, all I have is [jibberish] vintage cookies or monsters will have to wait.

    Adores: 1
  16. 2013 August 14
    CapnMac permalink

    [Adm Ackbar voice] Look out, it’s actually Aunt Edna’s fruitcake from 1962!

    Adores: 6
  17. 2013 August 15

    Ralph, thanks for cleaning up the box yesterday. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Elves Occupying Wall Street!

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.