YSaC, Vol. 1623: That’s it – I’m going back to Maggie’s Farm.
Well, the economy is still limping along, so it’s once again time for us to help out* by providing you with some exciting** job opportunities.
*Note: not actually helping.
**Note: not actually exciting.
Protection Officer
DUTIES:
– Acting to loud noise problems, strikes
– Overlooking and reporting on any transport infractions
– Show excellent English communicating abilities, both written and spoken
– Responding to client and employee issue effectively
– Continuously patrolling all constructed property areas
– Be an energetic part of the companyQUALIFICATIONS:
– Should have superb English communicating skills, both written and oral
– Must be able to work third shifts
– Must be responsible, flexible and dependable
How are you at acting to loud noises? Myself, I have trouble performing for an audience of loud noises. I prefer to convey the deep truth behind my character’s tortured inner life to an audience full of the color green.
If this sounds like a bit too much work for an aspiring security guard such as yourself, how about this?
IN NEED OF BODY GUARD ASAP
NEED A BODY GUARD TO WORK AT MY HOME IN THE LATE EVENINGS SO THAT I CAN GET SOME SLEEP! SERIOUS INQUIRES ONLY PLEASE!!
Compensation: $5 AN HOUR FOR NOTHING REALLY JUST TO HANG OUT SO I FEEL SAFE
It doesn’t pay very well, but you have to do nothing. Really.
I wonder if you can at least raid the fridge? You can, I suppose, at least spend time studying for the bar exam, which will qualify you for this amazing opportunity:
Lawyer needed
In need of a lawyer for conciliation court for today Aug 13 at from 1230 til 230! Will compensate $25 an hour! Please give us a call ###-####
Compensation: $25 an hour for 4 hours
You know, I once had to pay a laywer $25 for talking to me on the phone for less than five minutes. This might be a TAD under the market rate.
Thanks, Jason, Elizabeth, and sd!
And here I though wage deflation was only rampant in architecture . . .
I knew that the Gunderson effect was history, but $25/hr?
“Continuously patrolling all constructed property areas”
Or, I guess you could play Spiderman across the girder beams of the new mall they’re building…
They say that because of all of the company’s deconstruction areas. Don’t want you wandering into the wrong place.
Oh, come on. Patrolling demo sites isn’t that bad!
You just have to have extremely sensitive dodge reflexes and no real concern for your well-being, that’s all!
Shouldn’t they state that in the job requirements above?
One wonders if they had too many deconstructionist applicants. Those who were applying a Zen like approach to patrolling–“If you seek it, you will not find it.” And, having established a patrolling-by-not-patrolling baseline were not bothering to even don uniforms or, even to leave the house at all.
On the upside*, they were getting paid in the process!
*May not actually be an upside. Well, not to the employers, I wouldn’t think.
#1. Responsible? I can be responsible for the good things and irresponsible for the bad things. Flexible? Bwahahahaha! At my age? Bwahahahaha! Dependable? That depends.
#2. If I start hanging out at your house, you definitely won’t be feeling safe. You’ll be feeling something else.
#3. Well, I’m not a lawyer, but I watched one on TV. Good enough?
Finally! All that Law & Order I’ve watched is going to pay off! I object!
Motion for mistrial, as opposing counsel is a fluffy-wuppy cutesie-puppy doggie-woggie, nicenice.
And here I thought growing a mustache would make people take me seriously. ** mutters under breath shaking my sad tail **
…
And Sparky #3 apparently wants his lawyer to represent him without a second’s preparation, and to do it mere hours after he posted the ad. I hope someone responded. It would serve him right.
Sparky might do better to take the court-appointed attorney. Or throw themselves upon the mercy of the court. Or throw themselves upon the baliff. If it’s a cute baliff, of course.
Wait, did I say baliff? I was thinking basset hound.
Do I need to know the sleeper hold to be your BODYGUARD? That’s the only way I know to help you get some sleep. Unless you want me to slip you some NyQuil…
I’m sending in my resume! Hope I get all three jobs, cause I can do them simultaneously and at the same time. Together.
All at once?
Multitasking!
Or, in the case of the second job posting, multi-non-tasking.
I can do nothing better than anybody. And I’m completely non professional about it too.
And who’s still saying the job market isn’t on the rebound?
The second ad is kind of creepy. It translates into: I want someone to come to my house and watch me sleep.
Even worse, they feel AT EASE when somebody is Edward Cullening at them.
Or, to just lurk on the porch. Or out in the hall in front of the apartment door. “Oh no, you can’t come in, you could be one of them; just keep the others away. Here, I put your money in an envelope inside another envelope, in a box, in a flowerpot under the begonias, for when you are finished.”
(Which is almost as bad as if that ad is actually some sort of sexual solicitation–squick.)
I think I can dig out the cutout of Bea Arthur and let you have that for $25 an hour. Cash. Paid up front.
Always good to pay up front. You don’t want to be working behind Bea Arthur’s back.
Superb English Communicating Skills is the name of my Pussy Riot cover band.
I see what you did there. The question is, did you mean to? SECS=Pussy Riot
Hired today, goon tomorrow.
Dude, I said 1913, not 2013!
*shoves Sparky back inside TARDIS*
Nothing to see here, move along folks.
Don’t those two contradict eachother? “Are you going to report me?” “No, we can overlook this one”
Silva, I think we were typing effectively the same response simultaneously.
Unless the ‘protection officer’ is on stilts, in which case they could overlook quite a bit; and might need some sort of communication device to contact those at ground level (flashbacks to a “Malcolm in the Middle” episode [g])
Ahoy there! I think someone is sawing at my stilts!
I don’t think the protection officer post is for me. I’d spend too much time trying to figure out how to both overlook and report on events.
10 PM – 11 PM: Kramer continuing to irritate Elaine and Jerry. DVD player still stuttering occasionally. Nothing important happening in the south corridor.
Another case of “Do as I say, not as I do”.
or…..”do as i am, not as I are”……
Do as I wanna be, not as I evolved. Maybe.
This all has a very familiar ring to it. Standing guard – acting to loud noises – patrolling – losing sleep – Wait!!! I’ve got it!!
ACT I
SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO
BERNARDO
Who’s there?
FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
BERNARDO
Long live the king!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
He.
FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your hour.
BERNARDO
‘Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks: ’tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
BERNARDO
Well, good night.
Even better than Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. 😉
But kc, you left out the exchange….”Do you like my hat?……I do not like your hat!……goodbye!…..goodbye!……”
Cant help but notice Sparky #1 is not qualified for the job he’s posting. If he had “excellent English communicating abilities, both written and spoken”, I’d understand his ad.
TC, put down that game controller, and smile for the “camera!” Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, My Bodyguard!