YSaC, Vol. 202: I’d like you to meet my brother.

2009 February 5

Someone to do my Job

I have 2 jobs, a day job and a night job, and I need someone to do my night job. My night job sucks cause it cuts into my drinking and jacking around time. I am looking for someone to do my night job whilst I be goin out partying and whatever else…I will pay you half of what I make to do the job. If this works out, I might look around for another job for you too.

The pursuit of life, liberty, and jacking around time is what made this country great. That, and the spirit of outsourcing.

Too bad I couldn’t hook him up with this person:

let’s trade…I need a

full time permanent job for my brother…he is draining my resourses. I have his resume and will forward it to a person that can help. we can negotiate what we will barter. thanks in advance.

If you outsource your brother to an outsourcer, does that make you an outsorcerer? (Or a pimp?)

Thanks to Christine and bmillis for the submissions!

20 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 February 5

    I’m quite amused by the first one. It seems perfectly logical to me.

    Adores: 1
  2. 2009 February 5
    Ri L. permalink

    I’m amazed at the grammatical dissonance of using “whilst” and “I be goin'” in succession. My mind, it is blown.

    Adores: 17
  3. 2009 February 5
    Ashley permalink

    Do you have an Outrageously dumb tag? I think you might need one.
    …Or do all of these fall under that tag?

    Adores: 0
  4. 2009 February 5
    Katy permalink

    I am more than willing to let someone else do my job while I keep half the salary, too. Maybe I should post on Craigslist!

    Adores: 0
  5. 2009 February 6

    How about this: Someone calls this asshat – arranges to do his job for him. Then person doesn’t show up, asshat gets fired, and person then can take job – and get paid 100% of wage.

    Adores: 20
  6. 2009 February 6

    Too funny….and thanks Monica. Now I have to figure out how to use the phrase “asshat” at some point in my conversations today. 🙂

    Adores: 1
  7. 2009 February 6
    drmk permalink

    I suppose I *could* have included the asshat tag on this one, huh?

    Adores: 1
  8. 2009 February 6

    It certainly fits. But then, again, most of these qualify.

    Adores: 1
  9. 2011 August 13
    nonsensicalcat permalink

    So, in theory, I could make more money by getting a bunch of jobs, “outsourcing,” and keeping half the salary of each while I do nothing… this isn’t dumb, it’s brilliant! I’m going to start this life path immediately. I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes.

    Adores: 5
  10. 2011 August 13

    Something tells me that Sparky #1 will soon no longer have to worry about the effect of his job on his drinking and jacking around time.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2011 August 13
    Windrose permalink

    Wow, so if I have staff that only do half a job, can I outsource the rest of their job and only pay each person half the wages? I like this theory. In practice, the person coming in would have to pass a background check, a medical screening and drug testing. And go to training for 6 weeks. So they would probably insist on full wages and benefits for their trouble.

    Adores: 2
  12. 2011 August 13

    I am looking for somebody to snark on websites for me. Despite my very loose schedule that allows for ample snarking, I feel entitled and think that I could save some effort by having somebody else handle my snarking.

    I am not offering any compensation for this position, but it would look good in your portfolio. I will allow you to put the work in your portfolio for a reasonable fee of $200 per month claimed.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 August 13
      Windrose permalink

      Gee, this would be the perfect second job for me, if only I had free time. Any ideas how I can outsource my job and pick up this fun activity?

      Adores: 2
  13. 2011 August 13

    This is brilliant – I can train my three cats to do my job and then trade with them! They can go to work, earn triple my regular salary, and I’d get to sleep on the couch all day.

    Adores: 3
  14. 2011 August 13
    Windrose permalink

    Hello! Hello hello hello hello. . .

    The snark lounge has such a lovely echo on the weekends.

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 August 14
      Lou Stool permalink

      Sorry, Windy….barely heard you over the crickets.

      Adores: 1
  15. 2011 August 14
    Windrose permalink

    Another Punchity Punch Punch for Grampdaddy.

    And Good Morning Snarkers! 8)

    Adores: 0
  16. 2011 August 14
    Jen permalink

    I think my favourite part is the sophistication of the tender process for the second one – Sparky isn’t just keen to discuss terms, he’s offering to “negotiate what we will barter”. That’s two steps in which someone can realise what a massive liability and douchecanoe your brother is! Well done SparkyII!

    Also, does the barter imply that he believes no-one will employ his brother for money, and is therefore seeking some sort of agricultural recompense?

    Adores: 0

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