YSaC, Vol. 563: They {do|do not} suck at Craigslist.
Long-time readers and submitters know that I like to verify ads actually exist(ed) before I post them. It’s something about not wanting to fall victim to someone who’s just making something up. Oh, and the fact that I’m just generally honest. That, and the fact that there is more than enough actual suckitude on Craigslist, so I don’t have to resort to posting anything that’s not real.
I’m taking a leap of faith today, because Rick sent me this ad but I wasn’t able to verify that it was really posted on Craigslist. I hope you’re not messing with me, Rick!
smart girl in bed – w4m
{Regular|Normal|Standard|Ordinary|Typical|Usual|Average}{girl|gal|lady|woman} who works {9 to 5|9-5}..{sometimes|occasionally|often|at times|typically|generally} more, so you {can|may|could|might|should|are able to|would|should be able to} {guess|think|understand|reckon} that I am {bored|tired|fed up} of my {job|work|career} and {co workers|associates|staff}. {Need|Want|Desire|Have to have|Must have|Need to have|Have need of} some {more|additional|extra|added|greater} {excitement|pleasure} around. {Went out|Partied|Went Partying} with {some|a few} {friends|pals|buddies|close friends|good friends|co-workers} and had {a few|some|a couple of|one or two|just a few} drinks, {had to|needed to|was required to|was forced to|and was forced to} {come home|leave|end the night} {because|since|simply because|mainly because|thanks to} my ride {wanted to|had to|needed to} {go|leave}, {but|yet} i still {wanted|needed|preferred} to {go out|stay|continue} and have some fun. {I am|I’m} {petite|small|tiny} {girl|gal|lady|woman} {looking for|searching for|seeking|in search of|trying to find|in need of|seeking out|needing|struggling to find} a {man|guy|gentleman} to {dazzle|impress|charm} me with his {sense of humour|humour|funny bone} and sexy {personality|character|qualities|attitude|style}. I {don’t|do not} even {think that|believe that} made any sense, but who cares So {let’s|let us|why don’t we|we should} {get to know|become familiar with} {each other|one another}
It’s {sort of|almost|kind of|exactly like} {Mad Libs|high school|a Wurlitzer organ|tap dancing|the freemasons}. I mean, the {Craigslist ad|idiot poster|Nobel Committee|P.S. 233 2nd grade class} {should|might|does|will never in a million years} have the {common sense|temerity|nerve|clue-deficiency} to {ERROR: VERB NOT FOUND} their {ad template|pyramid scheme|Nigerian money-laundering scam|pictures of kittens}.
Ow.
Basically I {can/can not} figure out the {point/object/bacontini} of this ad, but being {tired/hung over/femaletraits7} I feel it’s best if I {orbit Saturn/rewrite Shakespeare in Klingon/find a cure for suckitude}.
Geez, I would hope any horny guy would just read the headline and figure out her number, and go for it. She’s a horny girl looking for action after a hard day’s work at a place she doesn’t like.
Need to hook her up with John Deere man, there are enough brackets in that sentence to display all of his collection!
Yeah, but can you imagine what she would be like in bed??
“You can put your maletrait1 {in/on/behind} my femailtrait3. Then I’ll use my femaletrait4 to {caress/rub/fondle} your maletrait7.”
It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure porn.
Is this some kind of {in\you\end} oh?
🙂
I think it’s more of a {femaletrait12/in/femaletrait6}
Hee hee.
well at least she has proven that she’s kind of smart, with all the synonyms, correct spelling and punctuation. not smart enough though, to realize her rather special writing style kinda makes your brain hurt.
what just puzzles me a bit is that she’s looking for a man and then starts talking about how she doesn’t like her job/co-workers and that she’s got sort of a drinking problem. on the other hand she’s aware of the fact that her ad makes no sense, but is still posting it anyway, so we’ve got proof that she isn’t so smart as she thinks.
perhaps she just added all the synonyms because thought they work like tags, and so more guys will find her ad…
p.s. what’s the animal under the NOT.A.LION supposed to be? a praying black kangaroo?
that’s waaaaay too {literate/correctly spelled/grammatical} to be a {bot/scam/example of automatically generated spam}. But it’s also not terribly {amusing/clever/un-tedious}. And what’s up with the alternative british spelling and the contraction/not contraction choices? If bots were getting this sophisticated, you’d think they could manage to get them to parse correctly. If it’s a person, can you imagine how frustrating it would be to find out what kind of foreplay she likes?
Can you imagine the ‘Dear John’ letter?
You {your friend/coworker/neighbor/wife/someone totally unrelated to you} might {want/not want/care/not care} to know that I am {definitely/not/not sure} if I am {pregnant/pressing charges/not pregnant/moving to Mexico/a man}
and that you {should/should not/might die} get {tested/questioned by the Feds/hunted} for {STDs/ransom/information/blackmail}.
Your {friend/baby mama/confidant/mistake},
{Felicia/Big Duke/agent 52/Tony Montana}
A non-English speaker, she ran her ad through several English translators. Not wanting to risk being misconstrued, she decided to use all of the translations in hopes that one of them was correct.
My brain hurts.
{I dunno|Well|Actually}, I kind of {like it|admire the effort|have a headache now}.
{If nothing else|At least|I mean} she can {spell|punctuate|irritate the hell out of people}.
Alrighty, then! More awake, and it occurs to me that if Craigslist charged by the word, this kind of confused and confusing ad would be avoided. Or at least too expensive to be posted by the likes of {Regular|Normal|Standard|Ordinary|Typical|Usual|Average}{girl|gal|lady|woman}
Windrose! This bird looks like it got into a paint canister!
She kinda smells that way, too …
I love all of your birds. If I didn’t live halfway across the world, I would be begging to come by and photograph them.
Stupid geography always ruining my fun….
Lareina, just tell us when you get back to Canada, if you do, and we will invite you down to Sunny California to visit. 8)
Lareina, we have 78 of them at the latest count, with the addition of the three just-fledged zebra finches. 🙂
I wonder if she {likes/loves/wants/needs} some {bacon/chops/pork products/ham}?
Mmmmmm… a wonderful, magical animal!
{ERROR:WITTY COMMENT NOT FOUND}
Brain go boom now.
*sigh*
I’ll get the mop and the brainbleach.
Awww poor sarajean. Your kitty looks like it’s looking on in horror as your brain goes boom.
*scoops up brain pieces*
OMG how did I not notice the kitty! That’s the cutest thing ever.
I have such serious cat envy every time I come here…
May I join the cat envy group? Damn allergies…
Pah! my parents are very allergic to cats, but they still keep mine around…even though she’s the most dander-y cat in existence. They just take antihistamines like a daily pill.
arallyn, next time I get to play The Minister’s Cat, I will have to remember dandery. 8)
Maybe a form of cat math will help?
{girl|gal|lady|woman} + {friends|pals|buddies|close friends|good friends|co-workers} / {bored|tired|fed up} of my {job|work|career} x {a few|some|a couple of|one or two|just a few} drinks +({dazzle|impress|charm}+ {sense of humour|humour|funny bone})2 = {smart girl in bed}
Ouch
This is more like cat calculus .
I know, it’s catculus!
There is not enough {coffee/tea/no-doz/crack} in my {system/cupboard/pants} to properly {comment/ponder/monkey dance} on this {listing/performance art/red table/Richard Nixon} just yet.
I think there’s enough crack in your pants. But what do I know?
{touché/zing/well played/I deserved that/monkey dance}
{Okay|Very well|All right}, {Monkey Dance|Monkey Dance|Monkey Dance} {it is|then|indeed}!
Smart in bed, perhaps; a complete f***wit behind the keyboard.
It’s not yet noon here, never mind 5 pm, but reading that makes me want to drink heavily to either understand it or forget it, I don’t know|Zaphod Beeblebrox|St. Swithun|Táin Bó Cúailnge|bagel mit schmear.
+10 for Táin Bó Cúailnge reference. May Lugh be with you.
Early Irish literature FTW!
Man, I can always count on this site to make me feel gauche and insufficiently well-read. I’ll be back in a few…
*slinks off to hug BA Honours Literature diploma for comfort and reassurance*
If it makes you feel any better, I only learned about that in grad school. 🙂
And I will admit that, though I recognized the title as Gaelic, I had to go look up what it said. 🙂
I just love Gaelic with my coffee. Keeps the vampires away.
My brain turned Táin Bó Cúailnge into Tae Bo Challenge.
Okay, I’m gonna ask first, does everyone want the corey explanation, or should I keep my mouth shut?
G’wan. Hurt us.
Corey explanation. Yes, please.
Since you’ve warned us, go on.
*holds saucepan over head and [FEMALE TRAITS23] and hides behind door*
Er, don’t you need two saucepans for your [FEMALETRAITS23]? Or am I getting confused with [FEMALETRAITS17]?
Actually, I just covered my [FEMALETRAITS23] with my arm, and used the other to hold the saucepan.
Go ahead, Corey this bad boy up. You couldn’t make it worse.
In hindsight, that sounds a little too much like a challenge.
*winces and hides under desk*
Either someone really sucks at bot scripting, or they’re intentionally trying to make a joke… I’m trying to figure out under what circumstances the curly braces and | symbols would show in the output, even if someone royally screwed up the code.
The stuff in the braces are enumerated values, so if this were a bot it could generate shit tons of ads (can’t remember the mathematical term) by systematically combining the values, for example,
Regular girl 9 to 5 sometimes etc.
Regular gal 9 to 5 sometimes etc.
Eventually you would get to
Average woman 9-5 generally
So either they don’t understand where to put the values or they’re making fun of bots.
/corey
Oh, it all makes perfect sense now. Thanks, graham! *nods head slowly*
I know just enough about code that that made a little sense, and also little enough that I’m going to assume you’re right and know what you’re talking about. 😉
I can only imagine what {she} turns into from 5:01-8:59 {5:01 PM through/thru 8:59 AM}
An {orge /A gremlin /A tranny/big hairy Italian guy/A minty shell}? There are way too many options for my liking, here.
Big hairy Italian tranny with minty shell.
That’s {very/kind of/not really/totally} {nauseating/appealing/amusing/photo-worthy/meme-alicious/worth paying the extra $50/hr for}
Um, yeah. It’s a spam personal ad generator. That’s why I posted it.
And actually you’d get to “Average woman who works 9-5.. generally more, so you can” and so on. The stuff outside of the brackets is what stays the same for each iteration of the ad; the stuff inside varies randomly depending on which value is chosen. That way each ad is slightly different.
A ha. Sure enough. I did a Google search for
—notice all the quotation marks, for the unvarying parts of the spamcode—and got 1,320 hits, of which only two were YS@C.
Right, drmk, sorry — I was just trying to explain how it was supposed to process the enumerated values… I thought the non-variable text was self-explanatory. Epic fail either way.
Isaac:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/cas/1576955526.html
Wow, even the bot is tired of unsolicited penis pictures… must be pretty bad.
Maybe people were misinterpreting the bot’s request to be impressed with the guy’s “funny bone.”
Ah, yes, you seductress… “Let us become familiar with one another,” indeed.
*click*
Sent.
*looks at monitor with face screwed-up. Shows to girly friends*
Well Graham, it’s definitely…funny.
Oh, you’re the one who posted the ad?
You may want to think about sanitizing your output… your arrays are leaking all over the place.
After seeing that pic you sent to my ad, you might not want to make fun of others about ‘sanitary’ and ‘leaking’.
I thought the ad said you would be discrete [sic]. Thanks a lot. 🙁
True to my word, I’ve never been to Crete.
Curses. Publicly embarrassed on the Internet due to venereal disease again…
You wanted me to be dis-Crete, and yet here you are telling me you’ve got a disease from Venus?
Ooh, Greek joke FTW.
Also, that’s racist.
You’re the one grouping all Cretans in with disease just because of that one broad. They don’t call her the ‘evening star’ for nothing, bub.
You should really check out the number of views on our stupid forum.
D00d 666 LOL!!!!11!!elebenty
I know that was stupid, but I had to before someone broke it.
What’s funny is that we stopped posting and there were less than 500 views. Maybe all the other views were the search engine bots.
Oh, dear. I wonder what the neighbors think.
8) Glad you two don’t feel you can’t banter here. I would miss that alot (two words). And a double negative, so what I really mean is I’m glad you do feel you can banter here.
You’re good people, Windrose (and I don’t say that just because you tolerate my antics :P).
Thanks, Windrose. There is that line, and Graham and I always jump back and forth across it like kids trying to infuriate their mother. And I don’t mind if people have to give me a good whack and tell me to behave, so I’m trusting you with that.
Aw, group hug! 8)
Graham, she said hug. cut that out or we’ll both smack you. 🙂
It was worth a shot.
Who or what is corey? I’ve only seen that term here.
Check the second page of the YSaC Meme thread in the forum.
And now I know. I figured it was something like that, thanks!
Perhaps she was just demonstrating her proficiency with a thesaurus?
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Thesaurus seeks same for {making little thesauri}.
…and that’s why they went extinct: no Craiglist for hookups in the Cretaceous.
…When {thesaurus | thesauri | thesauren | thesaurusseses} ruled the {earth | continent | galaxy | world}!
/{dramatic narration | quoth the raven | that’s what she said}
Are you sure {she|it} is trying to {demonstrate|test|try} thesaurus use? More likely {the|a|an}suarus.
Wow, 28 responses! We might break 50 today! Or would that just be crazy?
It was a tiring week, birdie! Speaking of which, what sort is your avatar now? Parrot of some type?
That is Bella, a very entertaining lorikeet, no one knows exactly what cross, but probably a red lorikeet and a green nape lorikeet, but she could be a very oddly colored rainbow lorikeet. She talks very well, eats mostly a powdered nectar and fruit, is one of the heaviest birds I know, and has a feathery tongue. We are being good Samaritans, and temporarily caring for her, due to medical emergencies with her family. She is adjusting well, but wow, when her real mom comes to visit, she changes into such a lively loving bird. We’ll miss her when she goes, but at the same time when she goes, it will mean her daddy is all better.
Feathery tongue? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Cool.
More of a brush:
http://savelories.org/images/LoryTongueLyd4.png
She gives kisses (“Gimmekiss! Gimmekiss!”), and that tongue feels VERY strange on one’s lip.
That’s wild! I expect it would feel strange, but in a nice way.
I am not sure what kind of bird it is but I think we can safely say it is not. a. lion.
it{is|Not.A. Lion.
i need a nap now.
everything comes back to not.a.lion. {or.is.it|a.tiger}
Talk to your kids about Thesaurus, before YSaC talks to your kids about Thesaurus.
oww… This makes my brain cringe.
The Trail of the Cringing Brain! Makes me think of the slugs in Flushed Away. EEEEEEEE! So cute. I need to see that movie again.
The slugs were the bestest part!
“I {don’t|do not} even {think that|believe that} made any sense.”
No, really?
Yeah that line in the ad pretty much sums up the rest of it.
and when you do decipher it… it’s just a “woman” who wants to find a guy to go out for drinks with. Very unnecessarily complicated.
Unrelated to the ad, but I love love love the llamanun coffee cup and YSaC prayer! I wrote one line of it and that’s the closest I’ve come outside of science lit to being published 😛
I would buy one if I had any money…maybe my S.O. will get me one for valentine’s day! 😀
Maybe you should {drop hints/make suggestions/ staple a note on the forehead} {to/of} {him/her/it}.
I think I should staple a note to his head while he sleeps. Not like he’d notice, anyhow.
arallyn, while he is sleeping, open his wallet, get the credit card, order it for yourself, and thank him profusely when it arrives. He won’t remember if he ordered it or not, likely. 8)
In {Soviet Russia|Communist China|Imperialist America},{bed|easy chair|armoore} is {in|on|next to|adjacent to|across the galaxy from} {smart|sexy|Picasso-esquely proportioned} {gal|girl|guy|gorilla|gourd}.
I think that she has been posessed by the spirit of {The Joker/Ferdinand de Saussure}: {“If I’m going to have a date, I prefer it to be multiple choice”/She is exemplifying the concept of Paradigmatic Relations on Lynguistics}.
Come to think of it, I don’t know which one of the two possibilities is scarier…
Wait, I know: Ferdindand de Saussure is scarier. By far.
You’re right about that, Traveler. I hated those classes. If I have to have therapy for thinking about that again, I’ll send you the bill. 😉
You can join me in the therapy. My Linguistics professor on my first year of college was around 80 years old and partially mummified. His teaching method consisted on placing his textbook on his table and reading it word by word on a deep monotone. And he made the whole subject even more nightmarishly complicated than it already is.
On the other hand, I learned two things thanks to him: that college was much harder than high school and that it wasn’t really worth it going to every class. In fact, in december of that year, little more than two months into the course, I started skipping 90% of the linguistic classes and never looked back.
I had a history teacher like that (entire class spent reading the book word-for-word in monotone)… the class was more of a nap-time than a learning experience. I’d read the chapters on my own over lunch, did fine on all the tests.
I tried (note “tried“) taking psycholinguistics and the psycho- prefix was important here, as the instructor was INSANE. She did things like write on the overhead projector (do people even use those any more?) and not notice it wasn’t turned on, and even when it was she had this frightening cackle throughout the lectures. I dropped the class, the only time I did (called my mom and told her I was taking summer school to make it up and would pay for that on my own, as my sanity was totally worth it – and it was) and also never looked back.
I couldn’t avoid the critical theory classes in grad school, but all you have to do is name one of the people we cited – Deleuze, de Saussure, etc., and nearly 15 years later I will still hyperventilate. I had a good instructor, but … as I type this I find my nostrils flaring in disgust/rage. It was interesting to a point, and I wrote good papers, but ultimately found it to be fairly useless crap (and I’m being kind here) as I disliked the hot discussion about stuff that was ultimately utterly theoretical.
/rant
No joke, Lola. I went to a mental health seminar at UW for counselors, teachers of special needs kids and the like. If Woodstock and Comic-Con had an illegitimate love child, that wasit.
“Woodstock and Comic-Con had an illegitimate love child”
*hides*
Perhaps this {bot|spammer|ad generator} was trying to use {quantum uncertainty|freaky science} to gain an edge in the competitive world of Craigslist spam.
See, we know the ad’s exact location, {Craigslist|YSaC}, but are unable to determine what it says. Like Schrödinger’s {cat|parrot|llama} all possible states of existence become superimposed. The {cat|parrot|llama} is {dead|alive} and this ad {works|is broken|makes me need a drink}.
I like the fact that one line actually acknowledges that part/all of the rest made no sense.
Also, can anybody see my nice new gravatar? I liked my quilt square, but my little girl Elise is way cuter.
I see some kind of white fuzzy critter. kitten? ferret? rat?
Ferret. This is my one-pound wonder Elise, fast asleep in what she evidently finds to be a comfortable sleeping position. That’s her back feet crossed and draped casually over her own head, there. Her front feet are below her face. Only a mustelid can {sleep in|enjoy|actually obtain} that position.
Twisted Ferret and the Spambots are here with us tonight to {present|promote|shamelessly flog} their new single, Fatal Coding Errors, from their debut album, Regular|Normal|Standard.
You must enter this into the Band Name section of the Forums.
Sorry, no punches today, kids. Better luck tomorrow.
On a side note, it occurred to me that some people do not celebrate their personal birthdays for religious or other reasons. I hope I haven’t badgered anyone of that belief, and made you feel insulted or harassed. I wholeheartedly apologize if I have done so, and hope you will forgive me.
Everyone else, what are you waiting for? 8)
That’s RACIST!!!
Okay, no it’s not. If people feel insulted or harassed, they don’t have to come play. I can’t find any time that you have outright said something bigoted or hurtful. Alot of people like the strange comaraderie that these little side-notes on themselves brings.
Are you talking about announcing their birthdays or being called a racist?
Both, from what I’ve seen. Personally, I’d love for the YSaC clan to stand outside my door on Aug 20 and scream ‘Racist!’
Although it may not turn out well with the variety of neighbors I have now.
It would make for an interesting obituary.
Lousy obituaries these days never list the cause of death. Laaaaaaame.
**cough cough** A lot is two words **cough cough**
**cough cough** Also, camaraderie is with an a. **cough cough**
And shouldn’t brings be in the plural, as bring?
</pedant>
I hear that alot, you all.
Mother-in-law? Is that…you?
It’s a tough crowd tonight.
I’d rather be badgered by a parrot than the other way around, I think.
A parroting badger would be very scary, indeed! And still Not. A. Lion.
Badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers …. awwk!
It may be a while before I have the time to fire up the old laptop and try to register again but I took a lok at the list so far and my birthday has already been claimed by Graham T. I’m willing to share the day with him, but I draw the line at BVDs.
It was tough squeezing you both in to the same cell, but I did the warp text thing. Or is that wrap text?
I’m special: I was in her spreadsheet before anyone else here.
In the interests of science, I tried translating this ad into Dutch and back again via Babelfish:
Nope, still unreadable.
What the omhoog…?
omhoog = Buddhist Moog synth
/obscurity so freakish that not even I get my jokes
*signs off and goes to bed*
Moogs are awesome.
LOL Lola, I spent part of my day with a lay Buddhist group, chanting. It’s really invigorating.
I totally get it Lola. Though I probably wouldn’t have had I not married {a/an} {indie musician/art rocker/pseudo-hipster/music snob}.
When did the Galle get mixed up in all of this?? It used to be such a reputable establishment….
I’ve had trouble loading YSaC since last night. This is the first time I’ve been able to comment al day. It was horrible!
Of course, by now, most of the good jokes about the ad have been made, and I can’t think of anything else.
Just knowing that you’re with us in heart and mind is enough.
Aww, that was sweet.
(The like me. They really like me!)
: D
What’s scarier is that we’re like you. We’re really like you.
I’m going to go with 60% scary, 40% comforting.
You mean like the Snuggle fabric softener bear? awww…cute…ohmygawdget it off!!!!
The other part of this spammer’s program, I am sure, selects from a random assortment of pictures of rubber duckies.
If y’all only knew how badly I need to laugh this morning….
..as I wipe the tears, and stifle the snortle…I say, thank you kids.
Yay my submission got posted!
Seriously, this WAS a “legit” ad in the fact it was in the Baltimore Craigslist.
Found this in use!
Cum & Play – w4m – 18
Date: 2010-01-10, 9:17AM MST
Reply To This Post
Regular girl who works 9 to 5 Mondays to Saturday..sometimes more, so you can guess that I am bored of my job and co workers. Need some more excitement around.
Went out with some friends and had a few drinks, had to come home because my ride wanted to go, but i still wanted to go out and have some fun. I am petite girl looking for a man to dazzle me with his sense of humor and sexy personality. I don’t even think that made any sense, but who cares! Anyone out there?
So let’s get to know each other, I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.
i have so many funny bones in myself that is why i would love to be a comedian -:,