YSaC, Vol. 591: Title is unrelated.

2010 February 28

Earlier this week, we saw how important pictures are to a Craigslist post. Another often overlooked element of a successful Craigslist post is the creation of a good title. You want to be sure that your title reflects what you’re offering, while drawing the reader in. Here are some wonderful examples:

Sunny Rennovated elevator in building large bedroom, great kitchen

I know apartments in some cities are small, but this is a bit nuts. Also, my brain is now full of jokes that involve the phrase, “Going down.” I should be ashamed of myself.

One Armed Security Officer Needed Immediately

Is it wrong that I keep thinking of the recurring character from Arrested Development here?

Guy who jumped me across from The Bitter End on Fulton

See? This is why we need one-armed security officers. He would have protected you with his one good arm. What? Oh, you mean jump-started you. Ah. Never mind.

book of moron. 2 of them. good condition

I should probably mention that this ad was posted in Utah, right? What a difference an m makes.

Thanks, oliveees, John, obeychomsky, and William, for these exemplary titles!

102 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 28
    Astro permalink

    Aren’t elevators usually enclosed, and, therefore, not sunny at all?
    I take it whoever posted that has just finished reading Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, then.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 28
      penguin permalink

      No. The elevator is obviously located in the atrium of a large hotel hence the reference to the bedroom and kitchen. The hotel used to have a two armed security guard who carried around a book of moron in each arm as he was actually trying to recruit the hotel guests for his cult. Then a skirmish one day at the Bitter End bar in the lobby turned into armageddon. All that is left is the elevator.

      Adores: 15
      • 2010 February 28
        CapnMac permalink

        No Fair Pen! That was from today’s Spaceman (in between all the ads).

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 28

        Wait, does the cult have hawt sects?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Not yet, it needs more members so it can start fracturing into smaller, hawt sects.

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 28

      Astro, I love you for your avatar. That is all.

      Unless you are actually Mark Hamill, in which case I also love you for your voice.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 28

        Mark Hamill? WHERE?!

        Ahh, darn. You woke up the Inner Fangirl. Now I must go watch all three original Star Wars movies.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28
          Luke permalink

          People sometimes tell me I look like a young Mark Hamill.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 February 28
          Windrose permalink

          Steph, there are only THREE Star Wars movies.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Word, Windrose. The alleged 4, 5, and 6 are the only canon, as far as I’m concerned.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28
          arallyn permalink

          *gasp* You mean that JarJar Binks isn’t cannon?! The disrespect!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28

          If you’re asking whether JarJar should be shot out of a cannon, the answer is yes.

          Adores: 27
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Plus a kajillion, Graham.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28
          arallyn permalink

          Win, Graham.

          Adores: 4
  2. 2010 February 28

    I read “The guy who jumped me across” as if the poster was taken by the hand and together, they jumped across The Bitter End; you know, the one on Fulton?
    Anyway, one can see why the OP would want to get in touch with the guy. After all, who wouldn’t want to have the Death Cheater on speed dial? Handy for just about anyone.

    Adores: 1
  3. 2010 February 28
    Lola permalink

    The Book of Mormon was allegedly inspired by the angel Moroni. Ever since I learned this, I have thought that Book of Moron might be a more accurate title. Perhaps the seller does too, and also believes in truth in advertising.

    As for the first one, I misread “building” as a verb: it’s an announcement for some experimental theatre. The actor/actress Sunny Rennovated Elevator will be performing in a play about the life of a rental agent for optimum real estate undergoing construction, titled “Building Large Bedroom, Great Kitchen.”

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 February 28

      I thought the Book of Moron was what we were snarking about yesterday!

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 28

        Al Sharpton’s country cousin is on line one, Isaac.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          We’ll call him Eustice.
          That’s such a fun name.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 28
        FireManSteve-O permalink

        Or Ennis. Who names their child that?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28
          Windrose permalink

          I like Ennis!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Al Sharpton’s country cousin- Al Un-sharpton?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 1
          screamer permalink

          Even worse is Ercil. A long time ago I had a brother-in-law with that name.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 1

          Maybe Cletus?

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 28

      I’m sort of relieved that all they did was leave out an m. As a diaspora Utahn, I’m used to seeing/hearing much more offensive pluralizations of the book title. “We are going to give out these Book of Mormons.” “Did you bring any Books of Mormon?” *teeth grinding*

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 28

        Graham, what is the plural? The only iteration you didn’t mention is “Books of Mormons” but that can’t be right, can it? Saying “I’ve got two copies of the Book of Mormon” seems like a cop out to me for some reason but maybe that’s the only right answer. My grammar isn’t good enough to answer this. I’ve seen where an apostrophe is put in, but that’s always for a possessive as far as i know

        Is this issue an inside joke for LDSs?

        . ./Corey

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          jg, unfortunately it’s no laughing matter. Every year, the vast majority of Mormons slaughter the pluralization of their holy book.

          “Copies of the Book of Mormon” is really the best option. If we said “Books of Mormon” it would seem to imply that there is a series of them (as in “books of the Bible”). “Book of Mormons” is incorrect for a variety of reasons.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28

          Thanks, I wasn’t meaning to joke about it, I really did want to know.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Even though we have learned a very valuable and solicited lesson here, I must say that Graham has won the Corey Award for the day.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Heh, jg, I wasn’t offended. I was just emphasizing that it’s sad that the overwhelming majority of LDS Church members have no idea how to correctly use the name of their foundational text.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Outside of a religious context, here’s what a grammar pedant would tell you:

          You can pluralize some titles the way you’d pluralize any regular noun, except that the pluralizing s isn’t treated as part of the title for the sake of punctuation. “I must have seen six Hamlets that year” (with the s there in Roman type) is okay grammar. But it’s not pretty.

          In the case of titles that end with an irregular noun, like Invisible Man for example, or titles where the internal grammar of the title could produce what the pedants call “infelicities” (like Book of Mormon), periphrasis or other rephrasing is probably best.

          So: I’d say “copies of Little Women” (already-plural titles don’t get an extra pluralization) or “productions of Two Gentlemen of Verona” rather than trying to pluralize either title. It’d probably be more accurate in its implications that way anyhow. (They aren’t really six different Little Women, only six copies or six editions or six printings or whatever. Which means that my Hamlet example is probably a little weak, now that I think about it.)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          I see I handed out awards before all of our contestants had made their entries.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28

          That was sexy, Isaac.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          When it comes to grammar, there may need to be a separate Isaac Award. Lovingly know as the Ike.

          *Considers whether Isaac will or won’t be flattered. Hopes it’s the latter.

          *Hesitates.

          *Check spelling.

          *Hesitates.

          *Rechecks sentence structure.

          *Hesitates some more.

          *Looks at “whether” again. That’s the right “whether” isn’t it?

          *Goes to weatherchannel.com. Ooh, sunny tomorrow.

          *Hits “Submit”

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 March 1

          Flattered? Why, I would be honored. But may I suggest that rather than giving out points we just calibrate a scale?

          Thus: “That grammatical fussbudgetry is all well and good, but given that your supposed corrections include an inadvertent comma splice, I’m going to have to deduct 2.7 Ikes from your overall Pedant Score.”

          Adores: 7
  4. 2010 February 28

    Hey drmk, if you ever decide to write a companion book for the website you should consider “Book Of Moron” for the title.

    Adores: 11
  5. 2010 February 28

    I think you listed these in reverse order as they are all obviously entries in the book of Moron!

    (P.S. Sunny Elevators=rock band name!!)

    Adores: 1
  6. 2010 February 28

    *Reveals stump of an arm to shocked and screaming kids*

    …And that’s why you always proofread your title!

    Adores: 21
  7. 2010 February 28
    Windrose permalink

    Another group of ads that would have benefited from a $20 photo. 8)

    OT I think I overdid the dominos and latkes last night. Did anyone else see the alien pron posted in the Laca-what? comments?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 28

      “transferring her lips to his neck and jaw.”
      I don’t know, Windrose, are you sure that’s pr0n or a painful but useless medical proceedure?

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 28
      arallyn permalink

      Wait…what the? What was going on here? I have this burning desire to know, but at the same time I have a feeling I’ll regret asking.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 28

        Some spam slipped through the filter. It’s deleted now.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 28
          Windrose permalink

          That’s a relief! On the whole, I enjoy trolls more than spam.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 28

          I like spam. A lot. *waits for angry mob*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28
          arallyn permalink

          Awww I wanted to see alien pr0ns!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          It’s OK, HHNF.
          Do you mean real meatish Spam, or virtual spam?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Meatish SPAM! I also like to push the pram. A lot.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28

          Lola: In this case, I think the difference between meatish and virtual spam is rather minor, amirite?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          I have a secret affection for meatish Spam even if I don’t much like it; it’s a nostalgia thing w/r/t grandparents and being young. I won’t criticize.

          Graham, if you’ll forgive the unintended double entendre possibility, I think the difference is that I can put the meatish Spam in my mouth, but not the virtual spam.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28

          Heheheh, that’s what sh… nevermind.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Yeah, I know. I couldn’t come up with another way to say it that couldn’t be read in, er, a non-family-friendly matter.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Lola, you’re talking to Graham here.
          Graham, I want my royalties now, kthx.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          🙁 I was rather trying not to.

          I’ll get me coat.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Sorry. Tossed it in a mud puddle so the ladies could cross.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28

          HHNF, I’ll send you the 3 cents in royalties but I need $5 in shipping fees first.

          Lola: Don’t blame yourself.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          You always have to complicate things, Graham. I’ll just e-mail you my bank account and credit card numbers so you can take it out yourself. That’ll teach you.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Uh. So, I guess that means I blame you, then?

          OK. I can get behind that.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Lola –

          OK. I can get behind that.

          That’s what she… damn.

          I’ll have to withdraw another $5 from HHNF’s bank account.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          I feel like I should be paying her residuals, actually, even if I am not as good as the original.

          *bows out*

          HHNF: all yours.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Get a room, you three.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          HHNF forbade it after the last time.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Don’t ever discredit yourself, Lola! You’re so thuper-awethumb! if ever we needed a third party, I choose you, Lola! *holds out Poke-ball with llamanun on it*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Looooooola-chu!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          I don’t recall forbidding anything. Shame is a good feeling! It shows that you have a working conscience.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Aw, thanks! Group hug! Or … maybe not. We’re not in a room.
          *considers entendre-based comments relating to “Poke-ball,” decides to leave them to everyone’s own febrile, salacious imaginations*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 28

          Lumineon does sound freakishly close to Llamanun.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Shame? What’s that?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          Here, let us show it to you.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          “Shame! Shame! Come back, shame!”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28

          I do recall a saying, ‘The only shame is to have none’.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Aaah, just like the good old days. Please go for 1000 tonight, guys. I’ll bring the Everclear…

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 28

      Disclaimer:
      Graham and I had nothing to do with this.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 28
        arallyn permalink

        Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 28

        Erm, please don’t check the spammer’s IP…

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 1
          Windrose permalink

          Aha! It was Graham T. in the parlor with the candle stick!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 1

          Tim Curry FTW

          Adores: 0
  8. 2010 February 28

    I used to work in a very historic office building and the elevators had a habit of breaking down daily. They probably could have benefitted from a kitchen and bedroom, but a bathrom would have been way more practicle.

    Adores: 3
  9. 2010 February 28
    Hartster permalink

    The Book of Moron is my vote for best band name.

    And anyway, any space geek (like myself) can tell you that The Book of Moron is the flight data file for landing the space shuttle at Moron Air Base in Spain.

    If all four titles were to to be put in one ad, my guess is that the poster is Willy Wonka. The “sunny rennovated elevator” is because the glass elevator broke through the factory ceiling at the end; the “one armed security officer” is because Wonka faced a discrimination lawsuit for hiring only Oompa Loompas; the “Guy who jumped me across from The Bitter End on Fulton” was the person who stole Charlie’s golen ticket; and “book of moron. 2 of them. good condition” is Wonka’s biography on two of them yardapes who got to tour the factory and misbehaved. My vote for one of them is Veruca Salt.

    Or it could be a really bizarre Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode. Or maybe iCarly.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 28

      Veruca Salt was a pretty good band, too.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 28

        The Seether’s Louise!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 28
          FireManSteve-O permalink

          Don’t fight her. You just can’t do it.

          Adores: 1
  10. 2010 February 28
    penguin permalink

    Can I get my punch, please?

    (looking around nervously, hoping to get punched before they come to their senses and take it back. Silly people)

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 28
      Lola permalink

      Stands in for Windrose: punchetty punch! And an extra big 😀 as I quite liked those myself as well.
      Windrose: I’ve got the punch and holster. Just give the password and I’ll hand it back.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 28
        Windrose permalink

        Lola, it’s swordfish this week, right? 8) I’m so glad you covered for me. I seem to have pulled a muscle in my back, and can barely lift a cup of coffee.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 28
          Lola permalink

          Here, have my IV stand. It’s fitted for a Mr. Coffee up top. I use it on particularly challenging Fridays, but your condition seems appropriate as well.

          *whisper*
          Excellent, excellent, don’t tell anyone. Here’s the punch.

          Adores: 2
  11. 2010 February 28

    Is the Book of Moron from yesterday’s post?
    So it *was* the one-armed man!

    Adores: 2
  12. 2010 February 28
    queensbee permalink

    i sing with a very excellent, but ecclectic choir. we’ve called ourselves the Moron Tabernacle Choir for years.

    on another note, all i can think of when i see one-armed anything, is The Fugitive. the tv show….. they made a movie, right?

    Adores: 2
  13. 2010 February 28
    SilvaNoir permalink

    A local mall near me as well as The Children’s Museum (not as close to me) have mostly glass elevators that face the outside, so they are indeed sunny. They’re both big enough to fit in a few families with strollers, but nowhere near large enough for a kitchen or bedroom. Maybe a microwave, fold-out chair and tray, and a sleeping bag.

    I’m thinking craigslist isn’t the best place to advertise for an armed security guard. If the problem is THAT immediate, maybe you need the police, and if it can wait, there are plenty of different reputable security companies you could hire from. Instead of some random guy with a gun showing up to your place of business.

    The third one… I’m thinking the guy wants revenge for getting beat up. Guy who jumped me across from the “Bitter End”, yeah, you’re getting what’s coming to you buddy, just you see.

    The last one…. self-explanatory.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 28

      The space needle has brass and glass elevators running up the outside. They make my feets tingly.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 28
        SilvaNoir permalink

        I don’t mind glass elevators that only go up a few floors… but anything over a certain height starts to freak me out. I’d rather be in a windlowless box than to see out at the tiny landscape below.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 28
          Windrose permalink

          My fear of heights precludes riding in glass elevators if they are going up more than a foot or two. Unless I have a honey who will let me hide my face in his chest, and will keep an arm around me in case we plummet elebenty billion stories and I have to hold on.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          An elevator that goes up a foot or two? That’s one short ride!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 1

          I do believe it’s called a ‘staircase’.

          Adores: 2
  14. 2010 March 1

    “And that’s why you make clear, concise titles for your craigslist ads”

    Heh… Arrested Development…

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 March 1

      Way to read through the other comments before you chime in, there, Owen…

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 March 1

        Now, now, Isaac.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 1

          Ah, I’m just cranky… Haven’t finished my coffee. Give me a minute to caffeinate my demeanor.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          It’s even better that the line he “quoted” made the Don’t Suck Box.

          Do I get any Ikes for quoting “quoted?” Twice.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 1

          When close-quotation marks and question marks coincide, the question mark should go outside the quotation unless it is in the quoted source.

          Thus:

          “Is the limpet’s shell minty?” he asked again.

          But:

          Can you, with your own olfactory powers, tell whether the shell is “minty”?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Damn, I actually know that. I’ll blame it on nerves.

          Adores: 2

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