YSaC, Vol. 676: But then my homework was never quite like this …

2010 May 24

Seeking Topless Tutors – great pay, great times!


Address emails to
[Name]
Director of Development

*We’re just trying to gauge the market at this point; if you are interested please email us back.

Requirements
– B- or better in the course you apply to tutor
– confident, hardworking personality

Job description
– instruct client for a given course
– flash client when they get an answer correct

Why do I suspect that they’re going to get a lot of high school-aged boys who claim that they need tutoring in remedial math? And why does it horrify me that this company is allowing someone who got a B- in a course to tutor someone else in it?

Of course, I also suspect that the prospective applicants will have to send pictures and go through a lengthy “training” session with our entrepreneurial hero.

Just in case you’re looking for a tutor, but you’re horrified by the prospect of seeing someone’s … tracts of land, here’s another option for you:

Starting childcare


Hello I will be starting a childcare program for children ages 5-12 I will work with the kids on being polite and teaching them what you want them to know more my prices all vary severe kids will be charged a little more running between 7.50 to 12.50 hour averge kid will run 5.00 to 7.00 or may very with parents that’s per kid I love working with kids they can come to my house or I can come to yours I am 17 young Christian man I will not push you into any religoun I am homeschooled all I am doing is helping you with childcare my religon won’t get involved with childcare my name is James brown and Jesse Scott I will tell you everything because I think the parent ought to know who is watching their child my cell number is (xxx)-xxx-xxxx

That’s right, James Brown is starting a childcare program. James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in show business, Mr. Please Please Please, Mr. Soul Brother Number One is starting a childcare program. Unless he’s Jesse Scott. But at least he won’t show you his tits.

Thanks, Naomi and Ashley!

144 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 May 24

    See, I totally read the first ad to mean that they are seeking tutors to show women how to go around topless…but only if they are at least a B- cup.

    Erm…the second ad is just too creepy for words….at least this early.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 May 24
      A. Lion permalink

      Yeah, very/vary creepy. But a few words do come to mind…

      Fundamentalist…

      Pedophile…

      Staythehellaway…

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 May 24
        Bridgete permalink

        Multiple personality disorder…

        Adores: 0
  2. 2010 May 24
    mudslicker permalink

    Oh… so they’re going to use old school FLASH CARDS!

    Adores: 40
  3. 2010 May 24

    Hm. It’s an interesting experiment to set up, and it’d be fun to participate in, I’ll admit. But my guess is that for most college-aged hetero dudes (and perhaps for others as well) intermittent bewb manifestations would not improve memory retention or critical thought.

    I know it was well established during my college years that I was not at my smartest when near the nubile and nearly nude. This is why I did not write my thesis at Barton Springs.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 May 24
      A. Lion permalink

      I don’t think this is about improving mammary retention, in fa

      What’s that you say?

      Ooooh. Nevermind.

      Adores: 9
    • 2010 May 24
      mudslicker permalink

      Did our resident pedant just spell that b-e-w-b?

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 24
      lost_compass permalink

      I know I’ve heard that phrase somewhere – intermittent bewb manifestations

      now, was it that band I heard last weekend? Or that Ghost Hunters episode set in the haunted Hooters?

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 May 24
        mudslicker permalink

        I was hoping he was going to tell us that was an acronym—or the name of a band.

        Bewb Manifestations now appearing at….

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 24
        Lola permalink

        Ghost Hooters?

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          TITS!

          The
          Intercoastal
          Totally paranormal
          Society

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Ectoplasmic Boobies

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24

          “Egon, your breastmilk”?

          Adores: 7
  4. 2010 May 24
    sarajean80 permalink

    Speaking as a female-type person, I fail to see how flashing something I already own at me would serve as motivation.
    That’s like giving the winner of the Kentucky Derby a pony.

    As for Sparky Part Deaux,
    Go very far away or I will injure you severely.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 24
      Steph permalink

      On the Facebook post of this, I wondered if we females could have muscular young males tutor us by going shirtless throughout the whole lesson. I mean, if, say, Hugh Jackman or… I dunno… Ewan McGregor were helping me with, ohh, geometry (or maybe cat math?) while, say… not wearing a shirt… I would learn better!*

      *Or I might actually just drool a lot and have a dreamy look on my face.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 May 24
        sarajean80 permalink

        I saw a commercial for some sort of antacid that featured a man painting on his stomach and chest. Perhaps that is the route this … “businessman” will be taking.
        Mmm-hmm, I’d learn a lot that way. Anatomy, for one.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Either that or you’ll be there shortly when you mix Vicodin and Motrin.

          Last time I had Vicodin I built something out of GindroGak, highly unstable. I put a button on it.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          (Was that before or after you finished your nap, Gune?)

          *Checks cabinets*

          Darn, all I have is a fresh box of Milliput.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          Steph permalink

          Oh, yes, you and I would learn anatomy *very* well… Also, SJ, heard (okay, read) about your poor tooth. Hope it feels better! In the meantime, feel free to imagine some hot dude drawing on himself.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          Thanks to modern chemistry, it has faded to a dull ache. Still has that, itchy “I’m infected” feeling, though.

          No telling what I’ll imagine once I reach Vicodin-land. Which should be in… roughly 48 minutes, depending on traffic. (Not that I’m counting or anything.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          For the first hour in Vicodinland, don’t trust anything that looks like food. Just saying.

          Also, the “friend” who wants you to do shots with him may just be looking for blackmail footage. Again, just saying.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 24
          Bridgete permalink

          Vicodin always just puts me to sleep. When I had my wisdom teeth out, after the first day of “take Vicodin, nap for 5 hours, wake up just in time to be annoyed that it’s wearing off and I can’t take another one yet, and repeat”, I decided to only take it before bed and just take some extra ibuprofen during the day.

          Anyway, SJ, I’m really sorry to hear about your tooth! I’ve had some tooth troubles lately (a broken filling that ended up needing a root canal because I had no idea the filling was broken until the damage was too far along) so I really sympathize.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 25
        Windrose permalink

        I don’t know, I never like it when some guy flashes his clock at me. Very unnerving, to say the least. I mean, how am I supposed to know what time it is if the clock is flashing? It’s always noon, or midnight!

        Adores: 1
  5. 2010 May 24
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    James Brown Jesse Scott needs to invest in some periods.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 24
      sarajean80 permalink

      Hell, ANY puctuation would be an improvement. I miss the “apostrophes for commas” guy.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        TacoMagic permalink

        At least he’ll be teaching the kids what their parents want them to know about James Brown’s prices.

        Man, James Brown has some vary severe prices, he’s bad news. *Snaps fingers*

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          No way, man – Leroy Brown’s the baddest man in the whole damn town.

          I wonder if they are related.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          James doesn’t mention his brother Leroy much. He’s the brown sheep of the family.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24

          Taco, Al Sheepton is on line 1 for you.

          Adores: 20
  6. 2010 May 24
    Jessabell permalink

    Way to go on the Holy Grail reference! 🙂

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 24
      mudslicker permalink

      Way to go Van Halen reference!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 24

        “I’ve got it made, got it made, got it made: I’m hot for tutor.”

        Adores: 6
      • 2010 May 24
        MandaB permalink

        “I don’t feel tardy!”

        Adores: 4
  7. 2010 May 24
    Lola permalink

    “I am 17 young Christian man”
    “my name is James brown and Jesse Scott”

    I smell multiple personalities.

    “I will tell you everything”
    Please don’t; I feel like I know far, far too much already.

    Adores: 21
    • 2010 May 24
      mudslicker permalink

      Do not use the verb smell!

      However, I’m curious to know the names of the other 15 Christian men that he is.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 May 24

        Warren Jeffs is one of them.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          Ted Haggard?
          Jim Bakker?
          Jerry Falwell?
          L. Ron Hubbard*?
          Jim Jones?
          Marshall Applewhite?

          *see pg. 171 Dianetics

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Gristle McThornbody?
          Butch Deadlift?
          Punch Rockgroin?
          Reef Blastbody?
          Big McLargehuge*?

          *see pg. 219 The Biggest Male Names: The Effect of Biggness on World History

          Adores: 14
    • 2010 May 24
      Bridgete permalink

      Oh, maybe this is why it didn’t save my multiple personality disorder reply to a comment above…because you already did it.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 24
      bitbot permalink

      No, no! –
      he is James Brown, and Jesse Scott I (the first) will tell you everything.

      Adores: 2
  8. 2010 May 24
    Gail permalink

    I’m just baffled that the guy who came up with Topless Tutors had sense enough to use spell check.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 24
      mudslicker permalink

      I like the concept of Topless Tudors. Jonathan Rhys Meyers can chow down on some “topless pheasant” anytime. Or is that “pheasant topless”?

      Flash me Henry!

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 May 24
        A. Lion permalink

        Topless Tooters.

        Help me, Mr. Wizard!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          time for this one to come home…

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 24
        MrWhite permalink

        Somehow I don’t think Anne Boleyn or Lady Jane Grey liked the concept of Topless Tudors.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          No need to go losing their heads over it….

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 May 24
          Bridgete permalink

          Catherine Howard too…

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 24

        Whoa, big hot juicy pheasant breast is totally succulent, bro.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24

          For some reason I have been reading pheasant without the h.

          What is wrong with me today? Distracting visions, no doubt.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          “The pheasants are revolting!”

          “They’ve always been revolting! They don’t even go well with gravy!”

          “Yes, but now they’re rebellin’!”

          “Are we talking about the same thing?”

          Adores: 12
      • 2010 May 24
        penguin permalink

        JRM got me revisiting British history. So the topless tutor/tudor might not be such a bad concept.

        When I first found out the JRM wasn’t going to “grow” into the Henry character as time went on, I was a bit miffed. But last season, when they had a shot of him in bed with only a sheet barely covering his nether regions, I forgave him.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          I was PRAYING he wasn’t going to grown into Hank the VIII. If he did, he’d have to go to Celebrity Fit Club instead of just plain old rehab now that the series is over *sniffle*.

          As it is, they didn’t age him nearly as much as he should have been aged for this season (which is a good thing).

          Woo Hoo! Tudors Gone Wild!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          Bridgete permalink

          JRM got me revisiting British history too. About a year ago I actually managed to impress someone from Britain.

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 May 24

    James Brown is going to get those kids in shape! Do they have to run 5 mile or kilometers? Is that everyday? I pity the severe kid who has to run the 12k.

    Adores: 3
  10. 2010 May 24
    TacoMagic permalink

    *Rereads first add*

    “Hold on a minute, I think we read this wrong. Henry, you can put your shirt back on, it says ‘tutor’.”

    “Damn it, second time that’s happened this week. I’m never going to find any work.”

    Adores: 6
  11. 2010 May 24

    Why didn’t I know about this before I started a career that requires clothing and sufficient brains?
    You don’t understand.
    I could’a had classes.
    I could’a been a math tutor.
    I could’a been somebody, instead of a mum, which is what I am. Let’s face it, it was you, Busty.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 May 24
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Hey Sparky– I’m current unemployed and looking for a new job. I tutored a lot when I was an undergrad and in grad-school also. I think I got a B in math sometime …. maybe in high school, but that was a looooong time ago. I have 2 teenage kids (I’m sure that won’t matter). I don’t want you thinking about age discrimination here!!!

      Sparky, I’ll need your Mom’s phone number. Being a Mom myself, I know yours will want to know who you’re hanging out with and what kind of people they are. (I always do). So send your Mom’s phone number to YouveGotToBeKidding@gmail.com and we’ll get started soon.

      The seond one scares the living daylights out of me (goes to close the blinds and makes sure the doors are locked. Plan on picking kids up a school!!).

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 24
        TacoMagic permalink

        Ok, I sent you all the information you need. Hope to hear back from you…

        Oh.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 24

          **Hefts a door at Taco**

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Don’t be too hard on Taco. That was his inner 18 year old talking.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          I’ve been out of touch with him for almost a decade. It’s nice to see he’s still getting out and meeting girls.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24

          Sorry, it were a typo.

          **Retcons the door, and heft an a door.**

          Adores: 1
  12. 2010 May 24
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Clearly, the common message to take away from both of these postings is, It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World.
    edited because I’m all about keeping Isaac happy 🙂

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 May 24
      mudslicker permalink

      Yeah…and we’re all gonna die.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        knockerovels permalink

        Yeah, we’ll die, but with big grins and bigger woodies.
        Speakin’ of such, I can only imagine the conditioned response that Math Flashers would evoke. Years from now, alone in his cube, a graduate opens that spreadsheet attachment and… whoops! He’s not going to that meeting for at least five minutes or so.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          I rest my case.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          And that’s different from now how?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          brown cow?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Mudsy, I’m transferring Al Sheepton over to you. Apparently he’s representing the whole barnyard now.

          *Schedules his “Appreciating Diverse Livestock in the Workplace” class*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          Are you yelling RACIST in a crowded barnyard?

          I’m telling Old McDonald.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          I don’t think anyone wants you to “appreciate” their livestock, Taco.

          In fact, don’t you have a restraning order to that effect?
          From that old guy, what’s his name? MacDougal? MacDuggle? MacDonagle? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 24

          It’s that cattle farmer, Ron McDonald. You know, the “hamburger king.”

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          So now I visit Hannah Montana forums AND aspire to sodomizing livestock at work. Awesome =).

          You may NOT quote me on the above statement.

          Adores: 16
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          You know you’ve pretty much guaranteed that you’re going up in The Big Box tomorrow, right?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          I doubt it. There is plenty of topical snark that’s more diserving today anyway. Plus, the illustrious Llama-nun has already played that card with me, so I’m betting I’m safe. Otherwise she’d be reinforcing a rather dubious message: “If you admit that you’ve had relations with farm animals, I’ll put you on the stage!”

          *Looks at the above*

          Damnit, I was not insinuating that I’ve had relations with farm animals.

          Anyway, we don’t need to make a new meme about me violating the herd.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          Umm-hmm. Just keep telling yourself that.

          That’s a nice shovel, by the way. Digs nice, deep holes.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          My new mantra: “Right-click, check spelling” I must repeat it to myself always. I ‘diserve’ that much.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          Ron McDonald. You know, the “hamburger king.” That’s a Kroc!

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 24

      I think you left out a couple of Man’ses there, Fracty.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 24

      Wow—How’d you get in an edit so long after the usual time limit?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        Lola permalink

        Fracty’s an admin?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Or Dan in disguise.

          *Looks around with squinted eyes*

          I can no longer see very well. Suspicious.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 24

        Maybe he’s got the goods on drmk or Dan, and uses blackmail to get in late post-posting edits?

        “Remember, Dan: I know all about Eulalie.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Or he is holding Dan’s TahitiSam hostage. The fiend.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          I thought IF was a she? I need some sort of scorecard.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          I associate pictures with gender. While IF has a dr. horrible avatar, he will be a he.

          Cat pictures are harder to judge, so I don’t comment until somebody drops a gender.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24

          Fracty, isn’t that avatar a picture of you yourself in cosplay garb? Settle this bet for us.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          [zoidberg] Hooray! Now I’m the center of attention.[/zoidberg]
          Yes, the avatar is me.
          Yes, I have Mad Editing Powarz.
          No, I’m not holding Dan’s TahitiSam hostage.

          Yet.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          It’s a trap!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24

          Mudsy, I think you have the wrong invertebrate. (Wrong phylum, even!)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24

          I say wrong planet, kingdom, and galaxy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Cosmos, Universe, Megaverse…

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24

          Wait, who is that guy? I thought you all knew him!

          Adores: 3
  13. 2010 May 24
    sarajean80 permalink

    This is OT, but I just got back from the dentist with bad news; I’ve got a possible cracked tooth (thank you, Ikea Restaurant Wednesday rib special.) and a nasty infection that prevents any work being done on it right now. I’ve got to wait two weeks and see a specialist to see if they can save the thing or not.
    The lovely young thing gave me heap-strong antibiotics and these beautiful little pills that make everything all better, though.
    (Bonjour, Monsieur Vicodin! You are my new best friend.)

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 24

      You have my sympathies, SJ! I cracked a tooth just a week or so after getting my wisdom teeth extracted earlier this year. The cracked tooth is not a fun thing.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        sarajean80 permalink

        Thanks, Issac. I did the four-wisdom-teeth-at-once thing a few years back and I am so glad those things don’t grow back.

        The drugs are top-notch, though. I’ve got a fairly good buzz going right now just from these industrial sized Motrin. (They look like suppositories for elves.) Monsieur Vicodin will have to wait until I get home and no longer expected to operate heavy machinery or speak coherently.

        EDIT: That took much longer than normal to write and I spent a fair amount of time just staring at the screen and giggling softly to myself. My co-workers are looking at me funny. This might get interesting.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          DOUBLE EDIT: Dammit, that’s Isaac!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24

          Dammit, that’s Isaac!

          … coincidentally, the title of the new sitcom I will be starring in this fall.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 May 24
          mudslicker permalink

          You got Taco fever sarajean. His speeling is contagious.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          Next she’ll be stealing my misappropriate apostrophe’s. C’mon SJ, stop working my side of the street.

          Also: Taco fever is what I get on Tuesday’s when I realize TacoJuans has their “Tuesdays two for four Mega Taco” deal. Must have mega taco’s.

          (EDIT: I had to go back and add all the apostrophe’s I forgot. Your welcome I’s’sac.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          Hmm… a show about a pedantic monk/cartoonist/teacher?

          It might just be my alterered state of awareness, But I’d watch. Of course, right now I’d probably watch a test pattern.

          (Do they still have those, with the colored bars and that high-pitched noise? Not the one with the Indian Native American, I think that’s considered racist now.

          I’m just going to go sit quietly in the corner for the rest of the day.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          Camille permalink

          I saw a PowerPoint presentation today in which certain words were pluralized by adding apostrophe-S, and others (often on the same slide) were pluralized correctly. It took all my powers of politeness not to leave the room in a huff.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          [Corey]
          They do indeed still have them. They’re called SMPTE patterns, and they’re used to test televisions and media for proper color and luminance values.

          SMPTE Color Bars

          More info on SMPTE

          I use the medical image patterns found in the second link a lot for image quality assurance proceedures (IQAP) at work.

          [/corey]

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          Taco fever – I thought that was what you got when you drank the water in Mexico.

          (I do look like I have chipmunk fever, one side of my face has swollen up to an alarming degree. I look like I’ve been in a fight.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          Camille – I have a neighbor down the road who has one of those cutesy signs hanging from their mailbox with their last name done in fancy lettering, but it says “The Name’s” and not “The Names”. I want to hit it with my car.

          I might do that today. I can blame the medication!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 May 24
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Camille, where did you ever find a Huff in which to leave? They haven’t been manufactured in at least 50 years, and there were only a few of them produced. By any chance was it the convertible with fold down windows and roll up back seats? My cat’s sister’s grandmother had one – how she loved to be chauffeured around town in that thing.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          TacoMagic permalink

          I think it was the magic dragon variety. They’re expensive but well worth the money. Just remember to have the guy check your fingers before buying.

          Touch the magic dragon…

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          Camille permalink

          I never go anywhere without my Huff, just in case I need to leave in it. It’s got a bumper sticker reading “Powered by snark.”

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 24

          I imagine you can’t sell many dinette sets from your unpainted Huff.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          Bridgete permalink

          Camille – last night I was watching Hotel Rwanda via On Demand, and I needed to turn on the closed captioning so I could understand the dialogue through the accents…but I nearly turned it off when it not only kept putting apostrophe-s for plurals, but then also messed up it’s vs. its. I was still having just enough trouble with the accents to leave it on.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          WendyBear permalink

          I thought she meant a Huffy, and was imaging her riding my bicycle from the conference room.

          It was red with training wheels and shiny streamers. I had it when I was around 5, so a grown woman in business attire would look rather funny riding it.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          Dan permalink

          “If you want, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.” – Groucho Marx

          Adores: 4
  14. 2010 May 24
    CapnMac permalink

    Wow.

    “Altered State of Awareness”

    Band Name and personal status in one.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 24

      Bewb Manifestations opening for

      Altered State of Awareness (featuring special guests Sarajean80 and Dr. Gregory House)

      2NIte @ teh 40WaTt!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 24
        sarajean80 permalink

        We don’t have any instruments and we can’t sing worth a damn, but we’ve got great party favors!

        WHOOO!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 24
          Lola permalink

          Hand out enough party favors and the audience won’t care if there is no music.

          Adores: 0
  15. 2010 May 24

    Mr. MPD (I suppose I ought to use the correct terminology, not the most common one) DID down there should get an English tutor from Ad #1. It’ll keep him away from the temptations of Forrest Gump.

    Adores: 0
  16. 2010 May 24
    mudslicker permalink

    Todd Rundgren’s “We Gotta Get You a Woman” is playing on the radio right now. I find that funny.

    Adores: 2
  17. 2010 May 24
    CapnMac permalink

    17 y/o is still young enough to be in the care of a licensed care-giver in Texas.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 24

      My [teenaged] thoughts:

      So if he’s still yo… threesome?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        Tisk, tisk. I need your mothers phone number too!!!

        Adores: 0
  18. 2010 May 24
    Quabbin permalink

    Mr. Christian Childcare (AKA James brown and Jesse Scott):
    One of the things I want my child to know is how to write and punctuate a sentence. I am relieved to hear that you will not push us into any “religoun” (though I am not familiar with that particular variety of lagoon), but I am afraid that your ad disqualifies you nonetheless. Your homeschooling mama may be embarrassed if she sees this ad; I know I would be.
    Go back and write it again, young man.

    Adores: 6
  19. 2010 May 24
    WendyBear permalink

    Ok, good to know it’s not JUST the public schools who are failing at teaching speeling and grammur. Or maths.

    So, how many sides does a religon have, anyway?

    Oh, man, the college entrance writing exam this kid will take soon… he’s gonna need some major remediation.

    And what is a severe kid? One who’s 5? One who needs more remediation than Dr. Nutcase, the childcare provider? One who screams when someone punctuates incorrectly? Or one who is smarter than the teacher?

    And yes, I’m aware of my fragments. I considered revising, but I like them just the way they are.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 24

      Well, you see, back in the 500s, the religon only had 40-some sides, but then the Protestahedron Reformation happened, and that whole “whatever” with Scientology, and now, we’re not sure how many sides it has.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 May 24
        Jen permalink

        Only that they can never all be in alignment.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 May 24
        Wendy Bear permalink

        Oh, I see. No wonder I didn’t know how many sides it has! And it makes sense that they can’t be in alignment.

        I think that I need to go and alter my awareness by meditating on the religon in iridescent colors.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 24
        Grampdaddy permalink

        IT HAS SIX SIDES! And is called an octagon….. Geez, haven’t you ever played poker on one of those end-table storage things.

        *crawls back into cave, away from second graders in last week of school*

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 24

        THERE ARE NINE ALIGNMENTS!

        Well, there are eight if you don’t count True Neutral. I never count True Neutral.

        (I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude; at least it’s an ethos.)

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 24
          Jen permalink

          In Soviet Russia, National Socialism say what it want about YOU.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 25

          Wish I could give you more adores for a Big Lebowski quote. I so want to go to LebowskiFest!

          Adores: 0
  20. 2010 May 24
    Bridgete permalink

    I was a Sociology/Social Stats tutor in undergrad. Not topless though. I probably would have gotten more students that way…but then again, I’m not sure I wanted more students. I liked getting paid to do my homework during office hours.

    Adores: 1
  21. 2010 May 24
    GrahamT permalink

    Damnit, I knew I should have checked in today instead of critiquing counterinsurgency essays.

    Ooh, that gives me an idea…

    Will re-write your tactical standard operating procedures nude… will come to your base or you can come to mine… doctrinal publications I will charge a little more running between 40 to 50 hour average field manual will run 30 to 35 or very based on strategic implications… I am population-centric counterinsurgency but will not push any Petraeus on you… My name is Graham and Stewie…

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 May 24
      Jen permalink

      This could be the CIA’s new plan to identify insurgent groups, especially if you offer to go to their cave to help write it. They all read CL, right?

      However, Graham, I’m upset that you admit to being population-centric with such nonchalance. Everybody always ignores the rural areas and it makes them sad. And stabby…

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 24
        GrahamT permalink

        Due to classification issues, I can neither confirm nor deny the effectiveness of any Craigslist/scantily-clad male-based targeting efforts.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 24
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I need your Mom’s phone number also to respond to this.

          Adores: 1
  22. 2010 May 24

    **Holds out Windrose bait on a stick, and starts whistling birdcalls.**

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 25
      Windrose permalink

      *sniff, sniff* Is that cheesecake? 8) Punchity punch punch on a stick! And also well deserved. It’s been a banner week here at YSaC.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2010 May 24
    MandaB permalink

    I would totally apply for job #1, with one slight change. For every WRONG answer, I get to kick Mr. Director of Development in the head. And with that, time to start a tutoring campaign of misinformation. “Nope, sorry bud, the answer to that one is 473. Yes, I realize Mr. Director is bleeding profusely but I’m going to have to kick him again. No bewb for you!!!”

    Sorry. I clearly need an attitude adjustment today.

    So help me, Clothespin Jeebus, if Jesse James/James Brown/Stuart Scott (booyah!) tries to tell me anything I will kick him in the head too!

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 25
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      I think you need to aim a little lower.

      Adores: 0
  24. 2010 May 25
    Windrose permalink

    G’Night, Vicodinland!

    Adores: 0
  25. 2010 May 25
    queensbee permalink

    but the topless people could spell. the others, eww. nice try tho. topless flashers could be good name for a rock band…

    Adores: 0
  26. 2010 May 27
    Bunny permalink

    No-one else seems to know that topless tutors isn’t even an original idea… it was originally in the film “Van Wilder- Party Liason”.

    Adores: 0

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