YSaC, Vol. 676: But then my homework was never quite like this …
Seeking Topless Tutors – great pay, great times!
Address emails to
[Name]
Director of Development*We’re just trying to gauge the market at this point; if you are interested please email us back.
Requirements
– B- or better in the course you apply to tutor
– confident, hardworking personalityJob description
– instruct client for a given course
– flash client when they get an answer correct
Why do I suspect that they’re going to get a lot of high school-aged boys who claim that they need tutoring in remedial math? And why does it horrify me that this company is allowing someone who got a B- in a course to tutor someone else in it?
Of course, I also suspect that the prospective applicants will have to send pictures and go through a lengthy “training” session with our entrepreneurial hero.
Just in case you’re looking for a tutor, but you’re horrified by the prospect of seeing someone’s … tracts of land, here’s another option for you:
Starting childcare
Hello I will be starting a childcare program for children ages 5-12 I will work with the kids on being polite and teaching them what you want them to know more my prices all vary severe kids will be charged a little more running between 7.50 to 12.50 hour averge kid will run 5.00 to 7.00 or may very with parents that’s per kid I love working with kids they can come to my house or I can come to yours I am 17 young Christian man I will not push you into any religoun I am homeschooled all I am doing is helping you with childcare my religon won’t get involved with childcare my name is James brown and Jesse Scott I will tell you everything because I think the parent ought to know who is watching their child my cell number is (xxx)-xxx-xxxx
That’s right, James Brown is starting a childcare program. James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in show business, Mr. Please Please Please, Mr. Soul Brother Number One is starting a childcare program. Unless he’s Jesse Scott. But at least he won’t show you his tits.
Thanks, Naomi and Ashley!
See, I totally read the first ad to mean that they are seeking tutors to show women how to go around topless…but only if they are at least a B- cup.
Erm…the second ad is just too creepy for words….at least this early.
Yeah, very/vary creepy. But a few words do come to mind…
Fundamentalist…
Pedophile…
Staythehellaway…
Multiple personality disorder…
Oh… so they’re going to use old school FLASH CARDS!
Hm. It’s an interesting experiment to set up, and it’d be fun to participate in, I’ll admit. But my guess is that for most college-aged hetero dudes (and perhaps for others as well) intermittent bewb manifestations would not improve memory retention or critical thought.
I know it was well established during my college years that I was not at my smartest when near the nubile and nearly nude. This is why I did not write my thesis at Barton Springs.
I don’t think this is about improving mammary retention, in fa
What’s that you say?
Ooooh. Nevermind.
Did our resident pedant just spell that b-e-w-b?
I know I’ve heard that phrase somewhere – intermittent bewb manifestations…
now, was it that band I heard last weekend? Or that Ghost Hunters episode set in the haunted Hooters?
I was hoping he was going to tell us that was an acronym—or the name of a band.
Bewb Manifestations now appearing at….
Ghost Hooters?
TITS!
The
Intercoastal
Totally paranormal
Society
Ectoplasmic Boobies
“Egon, your breastmilk”?
Speaking as a female-type person, I fail to see how flashing something I already own at me would serve as motivation.
That’s like giving the winner of the Kentucky Derby a pony.
As for Sparky Part Deaux,
Go very far away or I will injure you severely.
On the Facebook post of this, I wondered if we females could have muscular young males tutor us by going shirtless throughout the whole lesson. I mean, if, say, Hugh Jackman or… I dunno… Ewan McGregor were helping me with, ohh, geometry (or maybe cat math?) while, say… not wearing a shirt… I would learn better!*
*Or I might actually just drool a lot and have a dreamy look on my face.
I saw a commercial for some sort of antacid that featured a man painting on his stomach and chest. Perhaps that is the route this … “businessman” will be taking.
Mmm-hmm, I’d learn a lot that way. Anatomy, for one.
Either that or you’ll be there shortly when you mix Vicodin and Motrin.
Last time I had Vicodin I built something out of GindroGak, highly unstable. I put a button on it.
(Was that before or after you finished your nap, Gune?)
*Checks cabinets*
Darn, all I have is a fresh box of Milliput.
Oh, yes, you and I would learn anatomy *very* well… Also, SJ, heard (okay, read) about your poor tooth. Hope it feels better! In the meantime, feel free to imagine some hot dude drawing on himself.
Thanks to modern chemistry, it has faded to a dull ache. Still has that, itchy “I’m infected” feeling, though.
No telling what I’ll imagine once I reach Vicodin-land. Which should be in… roughly 48 minutes, depending on traffic. (Not that I’m counting or anything.)
For the first hour in Vicodinland, don’t trust anything that looks like food. Just saying.
Also, the “friend” who wants you to do shots with him may just be looking for blackmail footage. Again, just saying.
Vicodin always just puts me to sleep. When I had my wisdom teeth out, after the first day of “take Vicodin, nap for 5 hours, wake up just in time to be annoyed that it’s wearing off and I can’t take another one yet, and repeat”, I decided to only take it before bed and just take some extra ibuprofen during the day.
Anyway, SJ, I’m really sorry to hear about your tooth! I’ve had some tooth troubles lately (a broken filling that ended up needing a root canal because I had no idea the filling was broken until the damage was too far along) so I really sympathize.
I don’t know, I never like it when some guy flashes his clock at me. Very unnerving, to say the least. I mean, how am I supposed to know what time it is if the clock is flashing? It’s always noon, or midnight!
James Brown Jesse Scott needs to invest in some periods.
Hell, ANY puctuation would be an improvement. I miss the “apostrophes for commas” guy.
At least he’ll be teaching the kids what their parents want them to know about James Brown’s prices.
Man, James Brown has some vary severe prices, he’s bad news. *Snaps fingers*
No way, man – Leroy Brown’s the baddest man in the whole damn town.
I wonder if they are related.
James doesn’t mention his brother Leroy much. He’s the brown sheep of the family.
Taco, Al Sheepton is on line 1 for you.
Way to go on the Holy Grail reference! 🙂
Way to go Van Halen reference!
“I’ve got it made, got it made, got it made: I’m hot for tutor.”
“I don’t feel tardy!”
“I am 17 young Christian man”
“my name is James brown and Jesse Scott”
I smell multiple personalities.
“I will tell you everything”
Please don’t; I feel like I know far, far too much already.
Do not use the verb smell!
However, I’m curious to know the names of the other 15 Christian men that he is.
Warren Jeffs is one of them.
Ted Haggard?
Jim Bakker?
Jerry Falwell?
L. Ron Hubbard*?
Jim Jones?
Marshall Applewhite?
*see pg. 171 Dianetics
Gristle McThornbody?
Butch Deadlift?
Punch Rockgroin?
Reef Blastbody?
Big McLargehuge*?
*see pg. 219 The Biggest Male Names: The Effect of Biggness on World History
Oh, maybe this is why it didn’t save my multiple personality disorder reply to a comment above…because you already did it.
No, no! –
he is James Brown, and Jesse Scott I (the first) will tell you everything.
I’m just baffled that the guy who came up with Topless Tutors had sense enough to use spell check.
I like the concept of Topless Tudors. Jonathan Rhys Meyers can chow down on some “topless pheasant” anytime. Or is that “pheasant topless”?
Flash me Henry!
Topless Tooters.
Help me, Mr. Wizard!
time for this one to come home…
Somehow I don’t think Anne Boleyn or Lady Jane Grey liked the concept of Topless Tudors.
No need to go losing their heads over it….
Catherine Howard too…
Whoa, big hot juicy pheasant breast is totally succulent, bro.
For some reason I have been reading pheasant without the h.
What is wrong with me today? Distracting visions, no doubt.
“The pheasants are revolting!”
“They’ve always been revolting! They don’t even go well with gravy!”
“Yes, but now they’re rebellin’!”
“Are we talking about the same thing?”
JRM got me revisiting British history. So the topless tutor/tudor might not be such a bad concept.
When I first found out the JRM wasn’t going to “grow” into the Henry character as time went on, I was a bit miffed. But last season, when they had a shot of him in bed with only a sheet barely covering his nether regions, I forgave him.
I was PRAYING he wasn’t going to grown into Hank the VIII. If he did, he’d have to go to Celebrity Fit Club instead of just plain old rehab now that the series is over *sniffle*.
As it is, they didn’t age him nearly as much as he should have been aged for this season (which is a good thing).
Woo Hoo! Tudors Gone Wild!
JRM got me revisiting British history too. About a year ago I actually managed to impress someone from Britain.
James Brown is going to get those kids in shape! Do they have to run 5 mile or kilometers? Is that everyday? I pity the severe kid who has to run the 12k.
*Rereads first add*
“Hold on a minute, I think we read this wrong. Henry, you can put your shirt back on, it says ‘tutor’.”
“Damn it, second time that’s happened this week. I’m never going to find any work.”
Why didn’t I know about this before I started a career that requires clothing and sufficient brains?
You don’t understand.
I could’a had classes.
I could’a been a math tutor.
I could’a been somebody, instead of a mum, which is what I am. Let’s face it, it was you, Busty.
Hey Sparky– I’m current unemployed and looking for a new job. I tutored a lot when I was an undergrad and in grad-school also. I think I got a B in math sometime …. maybe in high school, but that was a looooong time ago. I have 2 teenage kids (I’m sure that won’t matter). I don’t want you thinking about age discrimination here!!!
Sparky, I’ll need your Mom’s phone number. Being a Mom myself, I know yours will want to know who you’re hanging out with and what kind of people they are. (I always do). So send your Mom’s phone number to YouveGotToBeKidding@gmail.com and we’ll get started soon.
The seond one scares the living daylights out of me (goes to close the blinds and makes sure the doors are locked. Plan on picking kids up a school!!).
Ok, I sent you all the information you need. Hope to hear back from you…
Oh.
**Hefts a door at Taco**
Don’t be too hard on Taco. That was his inner 18 year old talking.
I’ve been out of touch with him for almost a decade. It’s nice to see he’s still getting out and meeting girls.
Sorry, it were a typo.
**Retcons the door, and heft an a door.**
Clearly, the common message to take away from both of these postings is, It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World.
edited because I’m all about keeping Isaac happy 🙂
Yeah…and we’re all gonna die.
Yeah, we’ll die, but with big grins and bigger woodies.
Speakin’ of such, I can only imagine the conditioned response that Math Flashers would evoke. Years from now, alone in his cube, a graduate opens that spreadsheet attachment and… whoops! He’s not going to that meeting for at least five minutes or so.
I rest my case.
And that’s different from now how?
brown cow?
Mudsy, I’m transferring Al Sheepton over to you. Apparently he’s representing the whole barnyard now.
*Schedules his “Appreciating Diverse Livestock in the Workplace” class*
Are you yelling RACIST in a crowded barnyard?
I’m telling Old McDonald.
I don’t think anyone wants you to “appreciate” their livestock, Taco.
In fact, don’t you have a restraning order to that effect?
From that old guy, what’s his name? MacDougal? MacDuggle? MacDonagle? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
It’s that cattle farmer, Ron McDonald. You know, the “hamburger king.”
So now I visit Hannah Montana forums AND aspire to sodomizing livestock at work. Awesome =).
You may NOT quote me on the above statement.
You know you’ve pretty much guaranteed that you’re going up in The Big Box tomorrow, right?
I doubt it. There is plenty of topical snark that’s more diserving today anyway. Plus, the illustrious Llama-nun has already played that card with me, so I’m betting I’m safe. Otherwise she’d be reinforcing a rather dubious message: “If you admit that you’ve had relations with farm animals, I’ll put you on the stage!”
*Looks at the above*
Damnit, I was not insinuating that I’ve had relations with farm animals.
Anyway, we don’t need to make a new meme about me violating the herd.
Umm-hmm. Just keep telling yourself that.
That’s a nice shovel, by the way. Digs nice, deep holes.
My new mantra: “Right-click, check spelling” I must repeat it to myself always. I ‘diserve’ that much.
Ron McDonald. You know, the “hamburger king.” That’s a Kroc!
I think you left out a couple of Man’ses there, Fracty.
Wow—How’d you get in an edit so long after the usual time limit?
Fracty’s an admin?
Or Dan in disguise.
*Looks around with squinted eyes*
I can no longer see very well. Suspicious.
Maybe he’s got the goods on drmk or Dan, and uses blackmail to get in late post-posting edits?
“Remember, Dan: I know all about Eulalie.”
Or he is holding Dan’s TahitiSam hostage. The fiend.
I thought IF was a she? I need some sort of scorecard.
I associate pictures with gender. While IF has a dr. horrible avatar, he will be a he.
Cat pictures are harder to judge, so I don’t comment until somebody drops a gender.
Fracty, isn’t that avatar a picture of you yourself in cosplay garb? Settle this bet for us.
[zoidberg] Hooray! Now I’m the center of attention.[/zoidberg]
Yes, the avatar is me.
Yes, I have Mad Editing Powarz.
No, I’m not holding Dan’s TahitiSam hostage.
Yet.
It’s a trap!
Mudsy, I think you have the wrong invertebrate. (Wrong phylum, even!)
I say wrong planet, kingdom, and galaxy.
Cosmos, Universe, Megaverse…
Wait, who is that guy? I thought you all knew him!
This is OT, but I just got back from the dentist with bad news; I’ve got a possible cracked tooth (thank you, Ikea Restaurant Wednesday rib special.) and a nasty infection that prevents any work being done on it right now. I’ve got to wait two weeks and see a specialist to see if they can save the thing or not.
The lovely young thing gave me heap-strong antibiotics and these beautiful little pills that make everything all better, though.
(Bonjour, Monsieur Vicodin! You are my new best friend.)
You have my sympathies, SJ! I cracked a tooth just a week or so after getting my wisdom teeth extracted earlier this year. The cracked tooth is not a fun thing.
Thanks, Issac. I did the four-wisdom-teeth-at-once thing a few years back and I am so glad those things don’t grow back.
The drugs are top-notch, though. I’ve got a fairly good buzz going right now just from these industrial sized Motrin. (They look like suppositories for elves.) Monsieur Vicodin will have to wait until I get home and no longer expected to operate heavy machinery or speak coherently.
EDIT: That took much longer than normal to write and I spent a fair amount of time just staring at the screen and giggling softly to myself. My co-workers are looking at me funny. This might get interesting.
DOUBLE EDIT: Dammit, that’s Isaac!
… coincidentally, the title of the new sitcom I will be starring in this fall.
You got Taco fever sarajean. His speeling is contagious.
Next she’ll be stealing my misappropriate apostrophe’s. C’mon SJ, stop working my side of the street.
Also: Taco fever is what I get on Tuesday’s when I realize TacoJuans has their “Tuesdays two for four Mega Taco” deal. Must have mega taco’s.
(EDIT: I had to go back and add all the apostrophe’s I forgot. Your welcome I’s’sac.)
Hmm… a show about a pedantic monk/cartoonist/teacher?
It might just be my alterered state of awareness, But I’d watch. Of course, right now I’d probably watch a test pattern.
(Do they still have those, with the colored bars and that high-pitched noise? Not the one with the
IndianNative American, I think that’s considered racist now.…
I’m just going to go sit quietly in the corner for the rest of the day.)
I saw a PowerPoint presentation today in which certain words were pluralized by adding apostrophe-S, and others (often on the same slide) were pluralized correctly. It took all my powers of politeness not to leave the room in a huff.
[Corey]
They do indeed still have them. They’re called SMPTE patterns, and they’re used to test televisions and media for proper color and luminance values.
SMPTE Color Bars
More info on SMPTE
I use the medical image patterns found in the second link a lot for image quality assurance proceedures (IQAP) at work.
[/corey]
Taco fever – I thought that was what you got when you drank the water in Mexico.
(I do look like I have chipmunk fever, one side of my face has swollen up to an alarming degree. I look like I’ve been in a fight.)
Camille – I have a neighbor down the road who has one of those cutesy signs hanging from their mailbox with their last name done in fancy lettering, but it says “The Name’s” and not “The Names”. I want to hit it with my car.
I might do that today. I can blame the medication!
Camille, where did you ever find a Huff in which to leave? They haven’t been manufactured in at least 50 years, and there were only a few of them produced. By any chance was it the convertible with fold down windows and roll up back seats? My cat’s sister’s grandmother had one – how she loved to be chauffeured around town in that thing.
I think it was the magic dragon variety. They’re expensive but well worth the money. Just remember to have the guy check your fingers before buying.
Touch the magic dragon…
I never go anywhere without my Huff, just in case I need to leave in it. It’s got a bumper sticker reading “Powered by snark.”
I imagine you can’t sell many dinette sets from your unpainted Huff.
Camille – last night I was watching Hotel Rwanda via On Demand, and I needed to turn on the closed captioning so I could understand the dialogue through the accents…but I nearly turned it off when it not only kept putting apostrophe-s for plurals, but then also messed up it’s vs. its. I was still having just enough trouble with the accents to leave it on.
I thought she meant a Huffy, and was imaging her riding my bicycle from the conference room.
It was red with training wheels and shiny streamers. I had it when I was around 5, so a grown woman in business attire would look rather funny riding it.
“If you want, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.” – Groucho Marx
Wow.
“Altered State of Awareness”
Band Name and personal status in one.
Bewb Manifestations opening for
Altered State of Awareness (featuring special guests Sarajean80 and Dr. Gregory House)
2NIte @ teh 40WaTt!
We don’t have any instruments and we can’t sing worth a damn, but we’ve got great party favors!
WHOOO!
Hand out enough party favors and the audience won’t care if there is no music.
Mr.
MPD(I suppose I ought to use the correct terminology, not the most common one) DID down there should get an English tutor from Ad #1. It’ll keep him away from the temptations of Forrest Gump.Todd Rundgren’s “We Gotta Get You a Woman” is playing on the radio right now. I find that funny.
How apropos!
17 y/o is still young enough to be in the care of a licensed care-giver in Texas.
My [teenaged] thoughts:
So if he’s still yo… threesome?
Tisk, tisk. I need your mothers phone number too!!!
Mr. Christian Childcare (AKA James brown and Jesse Scott):
One of the things I want my child to know is how to write and punctuate a sentence. I am relieved to hear that you will not push us into any “religoun” (though I am not familiar with that particular variety of lagoon), but I am afraid that your ad disqualifies you nonetheless. Your homeschooling mama may be embarrassed if she sees this ad; I know I would be.
Go back and write it again, young man.
Ok, good to know it’s not JUST the public schools who are failing at teaching speeling and grammur. Or maths.
So, how many sides does a religon have, anyway?
Oh, man, the college entrance writing exam this kid will take soon… he’s gonna need some major remediation.
And what is a severe kid? One who’s 5? One who needs more remediation than Dr. Nutcase, the childcare provider? One who screams when someone punctuates incorrectly? Or one who is smarter than the teacher?
And yes, I’m aware of my fragments. I considered revising, but I like them just the way they are.
Well, you see, back in the 500s, the religon only had 40-some sides, but then the Protestahedron Reformation happened, and that whole “whatever” with Scientology, and now, we’re not sure how many sides it has.
Only that they can never all be in alignment.
Oh, I see. No wonder I didn’t know how many sides it has! And it makes sense that they can’t be in alignment.
I think that I need to go and alter my awareness by meditating on the religon in iridescent colors.
IT HAS SIX SIDES! And is called an octagon….. Geez, haven’t you ever played poker on one of those end-table storage things.
*crawls back into cave, away from second graders in last week of school*
THERE ARE NINE ALIGNMENTS!
Well, there are eight if you don’t count True Neutral. I never count True Neutral.
(I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude; at least it’s an ethos.)
In Soviet Russia, National Socialism say what it want about YOU.
Wish I could give you more adores for a Big Lebowski quote. I so want to go to LebowskiFest!
I was a Sociology/Social Stats tutor in undergrad. Not topless though. I probably would have gotten more students that way…but then again, I’m not sure I wanted more students. I liked getting paid to do my homework during office hours.
Damnit, I knew I should have checked in today instead of critiquing counterinsurgency essays.
Ooh, that gives me an idea…
This could be the CIA’s new plan to identify insurgent groups, especially if you offer to go to their cave to help write it. They all read CL, right?
However, Graham, I’m upset that you admit to being population-centric with such nonchalance. Everybody always ignores the rural areas and it makes them sad. And stabby…
Due to classification issues, I can neither confirm nor deny the effectiveness of any Craigslist/scantily-clad male-based targeting efforts.
I need your Mom’s phone number also to respond to this.
**Holds out Windrose bait on a stick, and starts whistling birdcalls.**
*sniff, sniff* Is that cheesecake? 8) Punchity punch punch on a stick! And also well deserved. It’s been a banner week here at YSaC.
I would totally apply for job #1, with one slight change. For every WRONG answer, I get to kick Mr. Director of Development in the head. And with that, time to start a tutoring campaign of misinformation. “Nope, sorry bud, the answer to that one is 473. Yes, I realize Mr. Director is bleeding profusely but I’m going to have to kick him again. No bewb for you!!!”
Sorry. I clearly need an attitude adjustment today.
So help me, Clothespin Jeebus, if Jesse James/James Brown/Stuart Scott (booyah!) tries to tell me anything I will kick him in the head too!
I think you need to aim a little lower.
G’Night, Vicodinland!
but the topless people could spell. the others, eww. nice try tho. topless flashers could be good name for a rock band…
No-one else seems to know that topless tutors isn’t even an original idea… it was originally in the film “Van Wilder- Party Liason”.