YSaC, Vol. 978: You’re very clever, young man, but it’s Sparkies all the way down.
Are you sick and tired?
Are you sick and tired of making mundane decisions in your daily life? Stress no more. I am a savvy know it all that will steer you in the clear and help you live life more productively. Not sure which number to get at your favorite food dispensary? Fear not, I am but a short dial away and I will tell you what your body craves. I posses an animal intuition and can smell your inner most desires. Now , I know that society wants you to be one way, but you know what I say to that? Fuck those bastards! I will take the lead in making decisions you are afraid of. Do you dread when the cute waitress inquires whether you would like sugar or splenda? Give me a call, then do as I say! Not sure that showing her your nipple was a good move?! Oh contraire, I will open doors that have remained ironclad shut because of your horrible choices. Just living does not make you alive. Get out of your comfort zone and sign up for my life coach assistance. Email for more information and include your offer for my fantastic services.
I’m trying to figure out how to write the snark for this one, but I just can’t decide. I mean, there’s all sorts of funny things you could write here, but I’m just afraid of making the wrong decision. I should call someone to help me with this.
Actually, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to. The question that keeps coming up for me is this; who does Sparky here call when HE (I assume it’s a he, but I don’t know why) needs advice? Does he have a meta-Sparky that tells him what to do? If you present him with a particularly difficult life choice, do you have to wait until he calls meta-Sparky to check? Does meta-Sparky have a meta-meta-Sparky? As long as calling each one takes half the time of the prior one, you could conceivably have an infinite chain of meta-Sparkies, and still get an answer in a finite time.
Just sayin’.
Thanks for the insanity, Angel!
What should I wear today?
What should I make for dinner tonight?
Do these pants make me look fat?
Thanks so much, I didn’t want to make another horrible choice.
Nothing, you’re a gecko.
Flied rice.
You’re not wearing pants.
Oh Contraire
Isn’t that the national anthem of our neighbor to the north?
I thought of writing a parody lyric for that… but nothing in Oh Canada really rhymes with Canada, does it? That doesn’t seem high-quality enough.
*Sniffsniff*
*GAG*
I think I just smelled Taco’s innermost desire.
I marinade it in the crushed dreams of sad clowns.
:sniff, sniff:
I detect a hint of what I will assume is oregano.
The smell is Depressy eating his way out of Taco.
Taco must give you gas.
I detect a hint of saffron from the mountains outside Marrakesh, Morocco.
I detected a hint of sanity, just a hint though…well maybe more like a rumor.
Those rumors are completely unfounded.
The rumors of my sanity are greatly exaggerated.
But how do I decide whether to take you up on your offer? Is there an Übersparky who can help me?
I will make that decision for you. Just send me elebenty gabillion firm obos, and I will send you a
vanillamanila envelope with your next five decisions.I just can’t decide what to comment. Help me sparky!
I can’t decide how to reply to this comment!
Uhm. Let me make one quick call. *ring ring* Quick, Sparky, we’re getting backed up here! What’s the answer?
“Hello and tank you for calling de Bacontini’s life choice help line. Due to de huge popularity of de help line all our Bacontini be helping other customers. Your call will be answered in de order it was received, unless you are de lady. If you are de lady press 1 now, otherwise stay on de line and listen to de fine music.”
Derp Derp Squee
Derp De-Derp De-Derp Squee Squee
Der-
Hello, dis is de Bacontini; how can he make de life choice for you today? Oh, de comment backup due to indecisiveness? Yes, Bacontini be able to help. Sound like you need to give de forum more fiber, I recommend celery or bran.
Tank you for calling de Bacontini. Remember Bacontini is always here for you; especially if you are de lady in need of life coaching.
*Click*
I think I dialed the wrong number.
Hello, and welcome to Choices! by Crabtini.
I am Crabtini and I will be delighted to assist you in making any and all choices you face on the pothole-filled road that is life.
At the moment all of our operators are with clients, but your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
You are the TENTH person in line.
At Choices! by Crabtini, we treasure each and every one of our clients for the special and unique individual that you are.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
At the moment all of our operators are with clients, but your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
You are the EIGHTH person in line.
At Choices! by Crabtini, we treasure each and every one of our clients for the special and unique individual that you are.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
At the moment all of our operators are with clients, but your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
You are the THIRD person in line.
At Choices! by Crabtini, we treasure each and every one of our clients for the special and unique individual that you are.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
–static–
“This is Crabtini of Choices! by Crabtini. The answer to your question is crabs. Good bye.”
-click-
OT but awesome:
One time, at my job, I got to put the IRS on hold.
Best.Day.Ever.
Any time a salesperson calls me at work I put them on hold and see how long it takes before they hang up. My record is twenty-eight minutes.
I thought of Bacontini immediately when I read this ad.
Oh! This must be one of those god men from the other day! Wow, heaven must be getting pretty desperate if they’re starting to hock their services on Criagslist.
:slaps forehead:
I’m a
insufferablesavvy know it all who loves to tell people what to do! Why didn’t I think of this first?Is there a forehead slapping line here? How many tickets does it cost?
I’m not sure but I could give you the number of a guy who would know.
Mom? Is that you?
Yes, dear, it’s me. Remember how I tell you that you’re going to miss me when I’m gone? Now put on your jacket and go play in the street. And, for heaven’s sake, close the door! You weren’t raised in a barn.
CJ’s Mom has very familiar eyebrows…
*gasp!*
I wondered where I put those.
A billion million doors to you, CJ.
Also I think we have the same mother…
Sparkception.
Oh, gads, it’s my ex. He ALWAYS knew exactly what I was thinking and what I should do. And no, he didn’t ever have to inquire to a higher source. He was it.
I wondered what he was up to these days.
Your ex and my ex must be the co-0wners of this new business.
I think it’s exes all the way down.
One or the other of them may well be one of my former bosses. (Still counts as an ex, right?)
Finally! Somebody to answer all of those hard questions in my life!
Paper or Plastic? DEAR. GOD. WHY?!
Would I like fries with that? I DON’T KNOW! STOP TORMENTING ME!
Do you have the time, sir? STOP LOOKING AT ME!
Can you hold the door open for me? *Shows his nipple*
Why do you kill? IT WAS THE MONKEY!
GUMMY BEARS!!!!
Well, now I know where all the coffee slices went this morning.
He been hitting de Bacontini pretty hard dis morning.
I’d hit i-
Wait, did I say that aloud?
*finds corner with yesterday’s pillow*
That’s Bacontini abuse!!! Stop hitting that pork. wait, what?
There’s nothing wrong with spanking your meat from time to time.
What?
My flank roast has been a naughty, naughty lump of meat.
OT: Kate’s wedding dress was so refined, so beautiful, so elegant. Three cheers for the Newest Royal Couple!
*Opens Mouth and raises finger*
*Closes Mouth*
*Goes to the corner*
Three boxes of Cheerios* it is!
*is it okay if they’re vintage?
I’m sure the Windsors are OK with vintage. Most of their stuff is really, really old.
Like that big house-thing they live in, most of their furniture, the Queen …
Maybe know-it-all Sparky can tell us why the Prime Minister’s wife didn’t wear a hat. A frisson of scandal goes excellently with coffee slices at 5:00 in the morning.
[rant] Or maybe why the representatives of certain Middle Eastern states who think it’s ok to murder their own citizens got invitations when the last two Prime Ministers of our own country didn’t. And neither did the President of the US. Just a tad political for something that isn’t meant to be partisan. Actually I thought it was downright rude. Tony Blair may not be my favourite person but he got consistently more of a mandate to run the country than Cameron has. I’m just glad I got through the day without having to watch any of the ridiculous sycophantic drivel. Bunch of over-privileged inbred unelected spongers. [/rant]
One of the commenters compared the dress to something that Grace Kelly might have chosen. I agree; it was understated and lovely.
I would agree with that too actually
A dress fit for a princess ♥
:sprinkles birdseed over keyboard:
Miz Windy ma’am, you can delete one of those comments. I thought my computer ate the first one but it looks like I was wrong.
There you go. Hope it was the right one to delete. I also may have found how to move the comments. I will have to await the next Bird Signal in the sky, and see if it’s true.
Perfect! Thanks.
Today’s WTH moment on this page brought to you by the upper right ad, currently featuring “Learn BIBLICAL HEBREW online with the Holy Land’s best teachers!” My guess is this is down to the previously-posted ads for god men and Satan. And maybe this guy today – if you tell people the right choice in Biblical Hebrew, it sounds much more impressive. Of course, most people will have no idea what you are saying, thereby rendering the worth of your help negligible (coreys welcome on whether spoken biblical and modern Hebrew are close enough for modern speakers to understand, or even whether biblical is spoken at all and only read).
*Sarcastic comment in Yiddish*
*that I’m too lazy to think up right now*
Are you specifying “sarcastic” because … there are Yiddish statements that are not sarcastic?
Oi vey.
I have an ad for groupon that says “Foods!” I think it’s bacontini and crabtini
I’ve got an ad for Lumosity Brain Training Games. Presumably you can take it out and make it run round a small arena, jump over fences, that sort of thing.
I’ve been meaning to exercise my brain more, it’s getting a bit saggy in the cerebellum.
Cool. Can we race ours against your rats?
This is Tiger Mom gone horribly wrong.
Not.A.Lion Mom.
[rant]
Am I sick and tired? Oh, yes. I am very sick and tired. I am sick and tired of people being rude to me because of their lack of foresight. I’m sorry that I’m delaying your trip to drop your kids off at school because you’re incapable of getting everyone out of the house 10 minutes early, but legally I have to have you sign the damn waiver releasing us to anesthetize your dog to preform the procedure. It is not my fault that you only have one phone number. I am required to ask what number we can reach you at today. When I tell you you must sign a release before you leave, do not turn to me and say ‘well then hurry up and print it off.’ I am not that patient of a person to deal with your condescending tone.
Also, put your dogs (and your children since you seem incapable of controlling them otherwise) on a leash when you enter our building. Our clinic cat does not approve of being chased by an uncontrolled Pomeranian and/or uncontrolled kindergartner.
Do not roll your eyes at me for trying to tell you about the procedure since I am required to do it. Again, it is not my fault you are running late because of your own lack of ability to plan anything out. It is not my fault that YOU waited until your dog could not even eat to get it’s mouth looked at.
Makes me wonder if he would have been so snippy and rude if he realized that the person he was condescending towards (cough ME cough) is the one who will actually be doing the dental cleaning….
[/rant]
*Puts another log of coffee in the oven*
I think we’re gonna need more Mocha flavored frosting over here!
Also: CLICK ME!
*throws more doors to the Ozy and Millie comic*
Lola — I think Sister needs the special extra large flask.
*wheels in flask with IV attachment for SisterLyle*
*arranges tranquilizers in pretty pattern on silver salver*
*gives attractive masseur towels, lavender lotion, and big tip before pointing him in SL’s direction*
Actually, Sis likely has better access to all that is needed (touch of atropine in the topical xylocaine, with a filip of MDHA) other than a gloved Sven to thoroughly rub the liniment in.
:starts collection to buy SisterLyle a Sven:
I move that the Sven belong collectively to the Snark Lounge – SL gets first dibs – and available to snarkers of all persuasions.
{hugs}
This is why I think everyone who has to deal with the public should be issued a taser and a tranquilizer gun.
An early nomination for Slob of the Year in my lobby today goes to whoever left the empty bag of Cheezits crackers on the public-side of the counter. No wonder we have glass windows and dividers keeping us safe. Litter lout!
*hugs Sister*
My vet has an awesome staff, and since Bugsy the Insane was diagnosed with diabetes we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well. He’s been there four times for a glucose curve and subsequent dosage adjustment. His last trip his numbers were in the low 300’s, so the vet thinks this recent adjustment will do the trick and one more day of testing will be all he needs.
I know he’s glad, but I’ll kinda miss chatting with the ladies up front.
*Whistles Innocently*
SQUEEEEE! Teh cute is nearly fatal!
Thank you everyone. Just shove Sven in my locker when he arrives. Feel free to borrow him whenever needed. Sorry about my utter lack of snark today but, as above, it’s not happening.
As it is, that dog ended up losing 8 teeth. Disgusting mouth. I felt so sorry for him. Apparently the mouth was so bad that the owner (alias Asshat) took him to the animal emergency clinic. The ER Doctors sent home pain medication (along with antibiotics) until the dog could come here for the procedure. Mr Asshat used ONE pain pill. ONE. And the dog had gone to the ER LAST WEEK. This poor dog had abscessed teeth, and teeth barely held on by more than gum, and the Asshat only gave him ONE pain pill.
On top of that, he was apparently told by one of our doctors LAST MONTH that the dog was in serious need of dental work and Mr. Asshat ignored it to the point where the dog actually had to go to the ER, thus costing him hundreds of more than it would have to have brought the dog in for a dental a month ago.
….Sven? Sveeeeeennnn?
That poor puppy! You should call the humane society on that asshat. Or you could borrow Mr. Crowbar.
I have a cactus reserved for smacking people.
“Sugar or Splenda?”
“Uh, hold that thought. I just gotta call this guy. He’s got these great animal instincts… He just always knows what I desire. Yeah, it’ll only take a second.”
*Dials*
Oh. My. God. This guy is so awesome. I can’t believe he only had to make one phone call to pass the ‘Sugar or Splenda Test.’ I know it’s too much to hope for, but now if he just flashes me a nipple…
Considering what I read the other day that said Splenda was chemically closer to DDT than actual sugar, I think I’ll skip both of them, and I don’t need Sparky to help me figure that out.
I knew there was something sinister about Splenda. Whenever certain members of my extended family decide to use some artificial sweetner exclusively, I know I will soon hear it is similar to DDT.
[corey]Luckily sucralose has nearly 2x the hydrogen saturation as DDT, and it has an oxygen chain that renders it fairly inert. But yes, the chemical equation of sucralose is pretty similar to DDT otherwise (The structures are WAY different however).
Interstingly enough: composition wise Glucose is basically only 2 Oxygen bindings away from being Acetone Peroxide, which’ll kill you pretty quick… mostly because it explodes if enough friction is encountered by it; like oh say, chewing.
Rule of thumb: Chemical equations are nearly meaningless: structure is everything.
[/corey]
Humans are genetically 49% the same as Broccoli.
That explains certain facial features.
And certain personality features.
And certain gassy expulsions.
OK, but where does cauliflower ear come from?
Corn.
Huh, wonder why Sparky chose not to title his ad, “Ruled by the Uncertainty Principle?”
Please pick me. I’ll give you a nice toy if you do. Please?
Will it be a potential chocking hazard?
They are chock full of fun.
So he advertises that he can make all these great decisions for you and lead you in new and exciting directions in your life…and yet he seems to be limited to questions about food and showing people your nipples.
All my major life choices involve food and nipples.
Occasionally at the same time.
Especially for newborns. (The other options are cry, sleep, and refill the diaper.)
I call “Not it” for changing Ghostcat’s diaper.
I’ll have you know I haven’t needed the diaper for almost a week!
That doesn’t actually make me feel any better.
Will we be famous? They’re watching us anyway.
Egads, my Adores are broken again.
If I vanish, it will not be from indecision, it will be from being under the hood of the internets looking for the CL-bought refurbished rectifier valves . . .
I like that the tone of this listing is “you are an idiot who makes horrible choices” rather than actually being about indecisiveness. If someone really did need this guy/girl to tell them what to do after showing a waitress their nipple I hope his advice would be “seek mental help”.
Dave, I don’t mind sharing the bawks with you but you need to tell the ferret to stop stealing my ball of string!
I managed to put two litter boxes in there, so there’s no excuse for having accidents!
I’ve had coffee, yerba mate, ice cream (for “staff ‘appreciation’ day”), salad, and fizzy water, and still have not ingested whatever it is that will make the phrases
and
NOT sound like preludes to the sort of sexual misadventure that can end with one mostly naked, half covered in marshmallow fluff, in a bathtub with a little person, and being arrested.
Or is that just me?
It was only once and I apologized to Peter Dinklage, twice.
Or in a bathtub, covered in ice, missing a kidney.
[OT]
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY.
PRAISE ME NOW.
🙂
[/OT]
(it’s not my fault that was demanding. someone else made that decision for me.)
We love you, happy birthday, and may you comment long and prosper!
:brings out the festively personalized pastry and a piñata filled with margaritas:
Many happy returns, noni!
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday nonnie!
Hope you had a happy day! Did your students give you Alotta Apples?
*wheels over giant cake, waits next to it expectantly.*
*Waits*
*Waits*
*Glances at cake*
*Prods it with toe*
*Opens secret door on top and glances inside*
Uhh…
*Quickly wheels away cake*
*quickly updates birthday list* Happy Birthday, Noni! Thank you for sharing it with us.
Sure hope I don’t forget Silva Noir’s birthday tomorrow!
For my birthday, tomorrow, I’ll be at Boston Comic Con. So I won’t be online until late, if at all.
I’ll be turning “19”. If people keep telling me that’s how old I look, I’ll roll with it. (just add 10 on top of that if you feel like being accurate to actual years).
(also, happy birthday, nonsensicalcat)
So you’re turning 10/19, then?
Sure. Given that I’ll be spending the day amongst comic books and people dressed like superheroes. Haha.
Cat and Silva – Happy Birfdaze!!!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!!!
Happy birthday, and thanks for the birthday wishes yesterday! I did stop by here briefly, but then I had to go eat cake.
I turned mid-20s. That’s an age.
Dave, Ferret, CJ, I’ve called you all here to help me decide on who gets the first Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Mom!