YSaC, Vol. 1018: They shoot end tables, don’t they?

2011 June 22

shoot an offer end tables


shoot and offer , two different endtables.

This person is very imperious, don’t you think? They demand that you make an offering! But not just any offering. Don’t think you can simply present a pair of undamaged end tables and please the Lord High Sparkzalcoatl. Certainly not! That would be like trying to appease the gods with flashlight batteries! You must first properly anoint your end tables. By shooting them. Then and ONLY then is it a worthy offering to appease Sparkeneshwari.

Thanks for the submission, Wendy!

174 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 June 22

    The great racetable, Coffeendo, had to be shot after Uncle Milty sat on her and broke her leg.

    Quite the family tragedy, that was. Uncle Milty was picking splinters out of his arse for nearly a month.

    Adores: 14
  2. 2011 June 22
    Evil Spud Boy permalink

    There is a church near where I live called The Church of the End Times. This person could be from The Church of the End Tables.

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 June 22
      Evil Spud Boy permalink

      Also, for reference purposes, here is the Church of the End Times’ You Tube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ChurchOfTheEndTimes

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 22
      funky monkey permalink

      Oh good grief. You must live in the south, too. I’m so tired of driving around seeing signs on the side of the road that scream “REPENT OR PERISH!!!”

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 22

        Ooh, I’ve seen those signs. If those are my only two choices, I think I’m going to need a perishing rug.

        Adores: 14
      • 2011 June 22
        Evil Spud Boy permalink

        No, actually, I’m in Massachusetts but I guess it is the southern central part of Massachusetts…

        Driving through Providence, RI, I would always see this billboard that says, “When you die, you WILL meet God, ” as if to imply, “And he’ll kick your ass.”

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 22
          Bacontini permalink

          When de Bacontini die, he tink he join de great Coctail hour in de sky. Dere will always be free flowing Bacontini, and De ladies are always in need of de Bacontini.

          Better he not end up in de bargain basement. Cheap vodka, fatty bacon, and de old man complaining dat dere is not enough lard on de rim. No ladies anywhere.

          Bacontini shudder to tink… even though he here for you now. Especially if you are de lady.

          Adores: 11
        • 2011 June 22
          Lola permalink

          de old man complaining dat dere is not enough lard on de rim

          I’m not even going to bother sharing the mental image that I got with that; I will just go directly to the boiling brain-bleach jacuzzi.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22
          Bacontini permalink

          De Bacontini not know what is so bad about dat. It always better to have a well greased rim when enjoying de Bacontini. Putting plenty of de bacon grease or de rendered lard on de rim help Bacontini slide down nice and smooth! And den, you get a little extra flavor when you lick de rim clean at de end.

          What? Why everyone running away from Bacontini?

          Adores: 11
        • 2011 June 22
          Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

          I am a Christian, and I have strong beliefs, but there have been times when I just wanted to whip my head around to someone else and go, “Say whaaaaaaat?”

          Church people making jokes about church stuff is actually some of the funniest part. When we had one of those billboards near my house, I told my mom that it made me think of Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.

          Luke: “I’m not afraid.”

          Yoda: “You will be….you will be.”

          Now we read overly pious/judgemental billboards in Yoda-speak. “Meet Jesus you will. Prepared you are not!”

          Adores: 15
        • 2011 June 22
          Lara permalink

          I was driving through the city the other day and I saw two billboard stacked on each other. The top one was advertising a ballet company who are doing a program called 7 Deadly Sins. The bottom one was advertising a program on the Pope. It was awesome.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Was the Pope on the bottom with the catcher’s mitt?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "what do you mean the condom broke" monkey permalink

          Blasphemy!!! Hell yawns before you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          Hell should get to bed earlier.

          Adores: 13
        • 2011 June 22

          I went to bed late last night, so I know how hell feels.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Hell feels with sexy magic fingers….

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          Ewww…

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Heh heh. “Pooper”.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 22
        Ridiculously Insular SpaceBug permalink

        Pent, pent, pent, pent, pent, PERISH!

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 5
        peegee permalink

        There is a sign on southbound I-65 in Indiana that says HELL IS REAL. I have wanted for years to name one of my show dogs (KennelName) Repent or Perish. Co-owners won’t let me.

        Adores: 0
  3. 2011 June 22

    Shoot first, make an offer later.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 June 22

      Don’t shoot ’til you see the varnish on their sides!

      Adores: 11
      • 2011 June 22
        Lou Stool permalink

        Lacquer? I barely know her!

        Adores: 17
    • 2011 June 22
      Lola permalink

      “Shoot first, make an offer later” sounds like a particularly dangerous open-air drug market (not that any are exactly safe).

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 22

        Sounds more like a “test drive” and the mustang ranch…

        *Oooo, look a clean corner the snark lounge rooomba must have been left on again*

        Adores: 11
  4. 2011 June 22
    LimeLolly permalink

    Finally! Something I’ve always wanted to do.

    :rolls out the cannon:

    Death or annihilation?

    Adores: 6
  5. 2011 June 22

    I shot the sofa, but I didn’t shoot the end table.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 June 22
      camille permalink

      Oh, is THAT what happened to auntie?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22
        Lola permalink

        The accordion is just a distraction.

        Adores: 1
  6. 2011 June 22

    All you people who want an end table of teak
    But your luck just hasn’t had a good run
    Just drop on by my abode and come take a peek
    Oh, and make sure not to forget your gun
    We’ll bring those prices down, down, down, down
    And I’m not foolin’ ’round
    You’re gonna put in a bullet, pull the trigger
    Shoot to deal, price is a steal
    So many tables, and so many deals
    Shoot to deal, price is a steal
    Get your gun at the ready and fire at will
    Yeah!

    I’m like Pat Sajak, give the wheel a spin
    Won’t land on bankrupt, you’ll steal the show
    ‘Cos I’m a nutcase, I shoot everything
    That’s all you Craigslisters need to know
    We’ll bring those prices down, yeah, down, down down
    And I’m not foolin’ ’round
    You’re gonna put in a bullet, pull the trigger
    Shoot to deal, price is a steal
    So many tables, and so many deals
    Shoot to deal, price is a steal
    Get your gun at the ready and fire at will
    Go on, shoot to deal, ‘cos I bargain with zeal
    No, the price ain’t low enough, keep shootin’ at it now
    Shoot to deal, price is a steal
    Yeah, pull the trigger
    Pull it! Pull it! Pull the trigger!

    Adores: 5
  7. 2011 June 22

    Hallo!

    My name is Inigo Montoya…
    I’ll shoot your coffee table, and prepare to buy!

    Adores: 18
    • 2011 June 22

      You finally found the six-sided rectangular table that shot your father!

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 June 22

        I have been stuck on revenge so long, I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. Although someone did post an ad on Craigslist for a dread pirate. I’m thinking about answering that.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22

          You’d make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts, you just need to provide your own mask.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22

          Job Opening: Dread Pirate Robberts $100/hr plus pillage

          Must have previous experience with pirating, fighting, swash buckling, captaining, and word fencing. Applicants must have their own black costume with mask to be elligable. Crew provided at start date. Elligible applicants will not take prisoners; valet excluded.

          Non-compensation position, but the pillaging will look good in your portfolio.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 June 22

          word fencing

          Ooh, I can do that!

          :steals dictionaries:

          Hey, anyone wanna buy a book?

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 June 22
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Taco Dingly-Dangly Magic —

          I think you must be looking for a mom or a teacher. It sounds like a job description for both.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          How many ways can “Eligible” be spelled? Let’s sit back and watch.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 23

          I’ve got more variations I haven’t even tried yet!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 23

          I can only imagine what playing Boggle with Taco must be like.

          Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22
      funky "cool hand" monkey permalink

      Inconceivable!

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 22

        You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          Meredith permalink

          And right there sums up both Craigslist and Sparky.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 June 22
          Addicted "It'sAlmostMyBirthday!!!" Reader permalink

          Anybody want a peanut?

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 22
      CapnMac permalink

      Bwahahaha!

      The second image I had, right after the “invisible swordsman” scene in The Three Amigos.

      Adores: 1
  8. 2011 June 22
    Grampdaddy permalink

    El Capitan approached the cell slowly and looked in at the two of them sitting at opposite ends of the cell. The space between them was just large enough for the couch that was currently undergoing “interrogation” down the corridor. They could just hear the faint squeals of springs being stretched beyond their capacity – a sound El Capitan loved.

    “Heh, you – yes, you- the French Providential. You will be next.” El Capitan giggled evilly. “We will take you into the ‘workshop’ and when we are through you will have filled your drawers. You will tell us what you have done with the funky monkey’s battery supply.”

    El Capitan turned his eyes to the other, plain table. “And you, simple fool – we know you are one of those Reds. You will never be free, no matter what you have advertised.”

    “Let me tell you what awaits you in the ‘workshop’. There are tall glasses filled with ice and water, with condensation running down their sides and pooling at the base, waiting to penetrate your finish. There are coarse ceramic ashtrays with scratchy feet to slide over your surfaces, and toddlers with blocks and toys to pound you with.” El Capitan paused to observe the effect of his words on the two end tables. They cowered in their corners, visibly wobbly. “After we are through with you in the ‘work shop”, you will be taken out and shot. Then you will be burned so there is no trace of you.”

    El Capitan paused for a moment. “I will make you an offer, however. If you tell me what I want to know, I will spare you the terrors of the ‘work shop’ and just have you shot, quickly and painlessly, But you must tell me now! Who is this ‘IKEA’ who has sent you?”

    The two table, now sobbing, still refused to answer. El Capitan called out,”Guards! Light the cigarettes and balance them on the edge of the ash trays and then come get this one first. We will see if he will talk. Put the French one up in my room, I will see if her knobs respond to my persuasion, or if it will be necessary for me to force her drawers.” El Capitan strutted away to get his knob polish…

    Adores: 21
    • 2011 June 22

      To think such a demented mind hides behind that gentle, grandfatherly nature.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 June 22
        Lola permalink

        And that he gets paid to teach children!

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22
        Grampdaddy permalink

        To think such a jingly mind hides behind the glittery, spandex thong.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I DON’T want to think about that Grampdaddy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          To think such a jingly spandex thong hides behind the glittery mind.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 22
      Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

      Guys are ALWAYS looking for the knob polish, aren’t they?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 22

        We can make do without if need be, but we tend to get cranky when our knobs get dull and tarnished.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22
          Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

          That doesn’t really happen, you guys just made that up so we’ll polish them for you!

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          Grampdaddy permalink

          I do dishes and laundry, but I refuse to do windows or polish my knob.

          I’ll go join the crowd over in the corner…

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          Okay, Sweater and Burgundy, what’s with the ” ” names? Did I miss an assignment, again?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          It’s nickname day! Everyone gerts a nickname. Even you, C “Forrest Whittaker Ate My Chowder” J.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          Keep reading, it’ll make sense towards the bottom of the comments.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          Bacon "De Ladies" Tini permalink

          Dis is how de Bacontini understand it. De Taco person often puts his random nicked names between de two portions of his intertubes handle. Den, it become so popular dat de denizens (even de ladies) of de YSaC start to do it as de meme of de day.

          Bacontini not sure he get it, but as always Bacontini is happy to be here for everyone, especially de ladies wit de nicked names.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "chunky clunky" monkey permalink

          OMG Bacon, I am SO TURNED ON BY YOU RIGHT NOW!!

          In my head you look like the stay thirsty my friends Dos Equis guy.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          You’re actually not the first to suggest the similarity.

          *cough*Astro “Big Instrument” gnash *cough*

          Who’s this Chris Hansen guy on my caller ID?

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22

          Is that the same as “the most interesting man in the world” guy? Because, yeah, I see the resemblance :-p

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 22
        CapnMac permalink

        looking for the knob polish

        Well, frankly, yes; ever tried speeling knob pomber,pumper, punjabi,pommeranian?

        (an’ e’erybody says “gesundheit!” after you say “knob silesisan”)

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 June 22
      Grampdaddy permalink

      El Capitan turned back to the cell, looked at his two prisoners, scowled and said, “This is the end, tables.”

      Adores: 4
  9. 2011 June 22
    camille permalink

    Sorry, I only eat shoots and leaves.

    Adores: 7
  10. 2011 June 22
    Windrose permalink

    The bullet sank deep into the end table. She was kindling, for sure. And as the light faded from her varnish, she remembered all the sins she would have to answer for. Squandering her fortune on Endust and Pledge. Rolling over when the children climbed on her. And worst of all, making a glass of water fall on the cat in retaliation for using her legs as scratching posts.

    She felt as if she were traveling through a tunnel, toward a light at the end. Quickly, she got to the end, and perceived a human shape in a carpentry shop. “Steady, girl,” said the man. “You’ve arrived at Ethan Allen’s Furniture Restoration. You’ll be all right.”

    Adores: 17
    • 2011 June 22
      Grampdaddy permalink

      I love a story with a happy ending (sniffles).

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22
      mudslicker permalink

      For some bizarre reason, that story reminded me of the movie, The Red Violin.

      I think my synapses are off this morning.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 22
      CapnMac permalink

      Uhm, perhaps I have far, far too much experience in furniture restoration for my own good, but that scanned like the beginning of a Night Gallery.

      Y’know, where the twist seems pleasant and nice until the reality sets in.

      See, in furniture restoration, your skin is covered in corrosive chemicals until your pigmentation is changed. Then, abrasives are used to cut through the external dermis until only the living dermis is exposed.

      Any deeply damaged areas are excised with power tools, then replaced with grafts from what ever handy source is nearby (or, in the case of “dutchmen” deliberately from contrasting material and set contrary to the natural grain).

      Most of the parts and limbs are disassembled as well; glue joints broken where they do not simply unbolt. So, at that point, more surgery can occur to replace or change joints and fastenings. Further, many of the decorative parts are removed and discarded; some are replaces with different ones with different <traits> altogether.

      Once reassembled, you are then abraded smooth again. Then you are submerged in various chemicals and re-abraded, until you emerge in whatever new coloration and protective finish was chosen for you.

      Honestly, it’s Norm Abrams meets Mary Shelley . . .

      (Not sure whether that phase of being given to “tweens” and being coated in pink paint and stickers and tattooed with crayons and the like is a worse event, or a precursor event . . . there’s probably a sutra on not coveting certain brasses or knobs preventing that incarnation . . . )

      Adores: 3
  11. 2011 June 22
    Windrose permalink

    I feel compelled and ashamed at the same time to point out that Sexy Fingers is in the box.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 22
      Grampdaddy permalink

      Where else would you expect to find them??

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 22

        GAH! *runs for the nearest Brain Bleach Emporium* That’s my brother!

        Adores: 12
        • 2011 June 22

          You’ll never be able to look at him again without hearing the jingly bells.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          Lola permalink

          Sister Lyle, Grampdaddy’s daughter MandaB used to come around … imagine how she felt at the idea of him pedaling his ass all over town in a red nightie.

          There, there. *passes flask*

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22

          Stretchy spandex, sequined spandex
          Covered in sour cream
          They all run
          When I put on
          TacoThong
          People screaming
          Children crying
          Running away at top speed
          And with every bum wiggle you’ll hear

          Jingly Bells, Jingly Bells!
          Sewn onto the pleather lettuce.
          Jingly Bells, scary meme.
          I’ll be in the TacoThong!

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "junky trunk" monkey permalink

          “pedaling his ass all over town in a red nightie”

          No! Now in my head Grampdaddy is riding a bike wearing a red strappy slip and black high heels and every time he pumps the pedals you can see that he’s not wearing any underwears.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 22

        Gramma!
        *lifts slip*
        Grampa!
        *lowers slip*
        Gramma!
        *lifts slip*
        Grampa!
        *lowers slip*
        Gramma!
        *rubs himself*
        *lifts slip*
        GRAAAAAAND papa.

        (This sounds much better if you say it like Steven “Johnny” Stucker.)

        Also: Gram(p)daddy. Make of that what you will. (A hat, a brooch, a pterodactyl…)

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          Grampdaddy permalink

          MF – you DO have a reserved spot in the corner for the foreseeable future.

          Brain-bleach cocktails for everyone – gratis!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          What’s the password to open the Brain Bleach Vault? Is it still “password”?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          I’m afraid some joker thought it would be funny to change it. The new password is “Lyle Wagner’s cummerbund.” I don’t know how to change it back.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          I know how to change it, but I don’t have a gallon of tartar sauce and three cases of Altoids to spare right now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          I have a packet of hot sauce and a few loose Tic-Tacs in my pocket.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          No thanks, I don’t need to send an email right now.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "what do you mean the condom broke" monkey permalink

          Nick! Heath! Jared! There’s a fire in the barn!

          Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22

      Yay!

      Been a while since I’ve gotten some box action. I hope I still remember how it all works…

      I’ll be in the corner.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 June 22
        Meredith permalink

        As long as you don’t pull out the box cutters, it should all be okay.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "junky trunks" monkey permalink

          Heh. “Pull out”. Heh.

          Okay, maybe NOW I deserve to be in the corner.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22

          I just assume I’m going to end up there sooner or later.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 June 22
      Lola permalink

      Uh, Windy? Corner. 8)

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22
        Windrose permalink

        Yes, I have my own corner in the Command Center ™ where I keep my knob polish and custome torque wrench.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          Addicted "It'sAlmostMyBirthday!!!" Reader permalink

          In my mind, “custome torque wrench” = “costume wench” = “wench costume” = “Drum Major” = of course it all makes sense. Where’s the brain bleach?

          Adores: 2
  12. 2011 June 22
    funky "cool hand" monkey permalink

    Did the end table buck up and shout “You should have shot both of the IKEA brothers” and blow you away?

    Taco: Since you are my hero and I want to be you when I grow up I’ve started nesting a nickname within my user name just like you.

    EDIT: This was supposed to be a reply to Taco’s “I shot the sofa” comment. Hum.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22

      I’m sensing a new Meme of the Day here!

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22

        I start more meme’s before 9am than most people do…

        PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 June 22

          It must be your super-power. Coffee slice? *holds out fork*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22

          I start memes when no one is around to hear them, and then no one knows what I’m talking about when I use them.

          I still think “that’s where she put it” could catch on.

          Adores: 9
      • 2011 June 22

        Wheee! It’s nickname day!

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          If a Meme falls in the woods, does it make it to the internet?

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 22
          ca "Tiny Bear Dog" mille permalink

          I’m not sure I approve of this nickname trend.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 June 22
        funky "cool hand" monkey permalink

        Heh heh. “Hooty-hoo”. Heh.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          Who let you out of the corner, FM?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Don’t you mean Whooooo?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "cool hand" monkey permalink

          I do NOT remember being put in the corner. What the fur.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          Don’t worry, the corner is where all the cool kids hang. You’ll love it here.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 22
        Gramp "Muffin-Meister" Daddy permalink

        Oh well, what the heck – I’m in. I’ll tie it to the gravatar later.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          Inn "ananananananana" ana permalink

          Can I play, too?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22

          Instant earworm.

          Inna-na-na
          Doo-doooooo-doodoodoo.
          Inna-na-na
          Doo-doo-doo-doo.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          I keep hearing The Name Game;

          Inn “ananananananana” ana!
          Inn “ananananananana” ana, Inn “ananananananana” ana bo Binn “ananananananana” ana Bonana fanna fo Finn “ananananananana” ana
          Fee fy mo Minn “ananananananana” ana, Inn “ananananananana” ana!

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 June 22

          BAMF!

          Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22

      And just because, I’m going to continue that trend.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22
        Lo("Enough Glitter to Choke a Showgirl")la permalink

        I see no reason why not.

        (Thanks to Meredith for my addendum.)

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

          Anytime, Lol’s! I preferred to go with something subtle and distinguished. Always classy, this one.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          I thought that said “Sweaty Hams” for a second.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 22
        mudslicker permalink

        Mashed potatoes.

        @Lola. I thought you were Lo “pass the flask” la

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          Don’t you mean Mud “Mashed Potatoes” Slicker?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          MF is the one running around with the lumpy drawers. 🙂

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          I suppose that’s expected when a dog puts on pants.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Not to mention that Snap-on-Smile….

          🙂

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          Can we not use the phrases “lumpy drawers” and “strap-on” in the same conversation?

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          @ Jingly: Just go directly to the corner. Don’t pass go. Do not collect your $200.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22

          That’s “Snap-On”, Mr. Dirty Mind Jingly.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22

          Ooooh. Do they actually make ones that snap-on these days?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22

          It’s done with magnets. One of the miracles of modern science.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          I will have you know that nothing of mine snaps on. I use only high tension S2 deep-thread steel connectors, because I don’t want anything coming off when I’m in the middle of something.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 22
          Lo("Enough Glitter to Choke a Showgirl")la permalink

          Mud “i see dead people” sy, the flask is glitter-encrusted. Also, I thought we were going for stuff that was slightly less than obvious.
          Flask?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Oh..so what you’re saying is that your accoutrements are attached with grommets. Good to know.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          @ Glitter flakes: I’m new to this. Of course there’s no need to be obvious when it comes to Sparky.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          AHHHHHHHHHHHH … runs to crawl back under the bed …..

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 22
        funky "cool hand" monkey permalink

        Awesome. The “lumpy trousers” nickname cause a coffee spew that almost shot over my cubicle and hit Bob on the other side.

        ..
        …….

        .

        Okay, I can’t stand it, I gotta ask: Is the lump on the front or the back of your trousers?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          Both. Back on account o’ the tail, and front on account o’ keeping a spare pair of socks handy in case I step in an unexpectedly deep rain puddle.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

          That’s Bob”I Believe You Have My Stapler” Smith to you! He deserves a nickname, too!

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 22
        Gramp "Muffin-Meister" Daddy permalink

        “Lumpy-Trousers” – just be sure the lumps are not in the back.

        *EDIT: The brilliant monkey beat me to it. Well done, little primate.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "what do you mean the condom broke" monkey permalink

          That’s frightening, that our minds go the same direction. Do you also have dreams that you and Spongebob go to Disneyworld together and ride the Matterhorn while eating ice cream? Wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse ears?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          I’ve had that one, but it was Splash Mountain.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

          Mine was on The Dread Pirate Roberts of the Caribbean ride. I was wearing nothing but a pirate patch and arguing with a parrot with a wooden leg.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22
          Gramp "Jungle-Monkey Love" Daddy permalink

          Not the Matterhorn – it was Space Mountain. There’s just something special about the anticipation and build-up until you – Oh, Ooh, Ooohh – blast off. First thing SpongeBob said was, “Is that a monkey in your pocket or have you got a banana?”

          Adores: 3
  13. 2011 June 22
    Meredith"Sweater Hams"Malfoy permalink

    “Call me French Prevential again, Mother F*^%er!”

    Adores: 9
  14. 2011 June 22
    Lurk "Lousy" Real "Poncho" Close "Moose" permalink

    I have no snark, I just wanted to play nick-name meme day. 😀

    Adores: 4
  15. 2011 June 22
    CapnMac permalink

    Ah, Sparkzalcoat deity of misdirected gunfire,
    how sadly crumbled your terra cotta visage is, eroded by un-aimed and unremembered rounds . . .
    Gaze upon your Mightiness in awe–from one’s bullet-resistant vehicle . . .

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 22
      mud "i see dead people" slicker permalink

      My name is O-Z-Z-Y Osbourne, Prince of Darkness:
      Look on my works, ye war pigs, and rock on!”
      Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
      Of that Black Sabbath, boundless and bare
      The lone and level sands stretch far away.
      Time after time.

      Adores: 4
  16. 2011 June 22
    C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

    ..nothin…just assigning meself an apropos nick..

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 June 22
      CoffDrop permalink

      Will the sun shine any less on me just because it shines on you?

      When the moon is in the Seventh House
      And Jupiter aligns with Mars
      Then peace will guide the planets
      And love will steer the stars
      This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius …

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 22
        Dan permalink

        But you can steal my sunshine.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22
          Coff 'Not.A.Hairball" Drop permalink

          There’s a song for that……….

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          And an app.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          They have an ointment for that now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          I tried the ointment. I had to walk with my upper half at a 45° angle for two days.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22
          Coff "Not.A.Hairball" Drop permalink

          Uh, no Mindy – you put the lime in the coconut. IN THE COCONUT….

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 22

          But the Tabasco was okay, right?

          Adores: 1
  17. 2011 June 22
    Wind Not.A.Sparky rose permalink

    Settle down, folks. Mom could be checking in at any minute, and we don’t want the site cluttered with more than the usual litter.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 June 22

      For a brief moment, I read that as “the usual butter” and my mind reflexively recoiled at the notion of any further thoughts in that direction. Which is weird, right? For me, I mean.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 June 22
        funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

        I’m trying to put butter and your mom together for a joke, but I don’t know who to aim it at.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22
          CapnMac permalink

          Ok, no instance of “butter mom” leads anywhere but the corner for me . . . (and into what appears for be Schrödinger’s Cat’s box, which is filled with roca . . . )

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 22
          Bomb "Shaky Fingers" Dude permalink

          trying to put butter and your mom together for a joke

          Was there a doorway in there anywhere? Or was it a naughty type joke?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 22

          I’m guessing naughty.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 22
          Gramp "I can't believe it's not butter" Daddy permalink

          Aim it at Marlon Brando – “Last Tango in Paris”.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 22

          **Knock knock**

          Who’s there?

          Your mom.

          Your mom who?

          Butter.

          I don’t get it.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 22

          Knock knock.

          Who’s there?

          Butter mom.

          Butter mom who?

          Everyone in her family butter mom is ugly.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 June 22
        Addicted "It'sAlmostMyBirthday!!!" Reader permalink

        PAM!!!

        Adores: 1
  18. 2011 June 22

    An alternate interpretation:

    Two end tables walked into a bar. One said, “Hey, my name’s Shoot. What’s yours?” “Offer.” “Can I ‘offer’ you a drink, then?” “I could go for a shot of something.”

    **rimshot**

    Adores: 1
  19. 2011 June 22
    Lara permalink

    Sparky has been watching too many Tarantino movies. Sparky will shoot you before you make your offer so that you will offer anything to get to a hospital. Try not to get blood on the end tables though, you just bought them after all.

    Adores: 2
  20. 2011 June 22
    Gramp "Pinned in the Corner" daddy permalink

    Upon review of today’s comments and posts, I would like to suggest that bleacher seating be built in the corner of the snark lounge in order to accommodate the frequent overflow crowds. Doing so may prevent a citation from the fire-marshal for overcrowding.

    Adores: 3
  21. 2011 June 22
    Supreme Ruler permalink

    You people blow me away. Love you all.

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 23
      Windrose permalink

      Oh Supreme one, please join us on Facebook! We’ll entertain you in different ways there. 8) Look for YSaC Friends.

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 23
      Je "It'shardtosquishanicknameinhere" n permalink

      For some reason I read that as “You blow people me away” and thought it was a reference to Grampdaddy’s uproariously disturbing novella above.

      Adores: 2
  22. 2011 June 23
    Windrose permalink

    Punchity Punch Punch Taco “Expletive Deleted” Magic!

    G’Night, Litchfield, Connecticut!

    Adores: 1
  23. 2011 June 23

    Late to the party, but my dancing shoes are on!

    Adores: 1

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