YSaC, Vol. 1082: I ain’t got no body. No, really …
need to move a coffin
I need to move a coffin-it is very heavy and cannot do it myself-looking for a person with a big truck-the coffin is nailed shut -the coffin was stored in my garage and I just need room-would like to take it to a wooded area to dump-will pay 50 dollars-please just keep this between us thanks
Boy, thanks for coming over with your truck to help out. I didn’t know how I was going to dispose of the … uh, coffin … without someone’s help. Yeah, it’s just been sitting in the garage for a while now. What? Why is it nailed shut? Well, my ex-husband here … uh, I mean, Here-y, Harry, kept saying he was going to make something out of it. Lazy good-for-nothing never got around to it; just kept sitting on his fat ass watching Mexican wrestling. He loved the guys who did the choke holds, you know? I kept telling him it was all fake, but he didn’t believe me. What? Yeah, it’s heavy. He was a big lug … er, lumber fan. He liked the heavy woods. Yeah, my ex. He’s … gone now. Hang on, let me put on my gloves and I’ll help you lift him … er, it.
… us, and everybody else on CL.
Good luck with that, Sparky! I’ll just be over here … notifying the authorities.
You’re supposed to cut off the head, turn it around, and line the edges of the coffin with roses before you do that, Sparky. Nails ain’t gonna keep him in there, and I’m pretty sure he can find his way back from the woods.
Don’t forget the stone in his mouth.
Indeed. Can’t be too careful.
Are you sure that’s going to be enough? We don’t want Edward comming back, so we might as well disarticulate him and bury his limbs at the 4 primary compass directions on hallowed ground while burning his head at the intersection of lines of salt drawn between said limbs.
Then I think we have to have a priest dump holy water all over the ashes or something. Been a while since I had to kill a vampire.
For your particular individual vampire, Taco, I believe we can just refer to a t-shirt I’ve seen for directions:
“And then Buffy staked Edward.
THE END.”
*Heads over to the Buffy/Twilight crossover fics*
I bet I can find some “nice” Buffy Edward slash-fics that I can turn into a project… if my brain doesn’t implode first.
Dear God, somehow I had forgotten about those, though I don’t know why; BtVS was the first time I encountered online slashfic/fanfic online. Ahem.
*huddles in corner with flask*
That would be a BtVS t shit* for Taco.
Oooh… that kind of a t shit
For reference: it took less than 20 seconds to find something mind-bendingly terrible in that category.
Addendum: Actually it took less than 30 seconds to find 3 stories fitting that criteria.
You’re a stronger person than I – I think I lasted about twelve seconds before I was reduced to a whimpering shell* of my former self.
*Yes, it was minty.
Lola, you came to the movement late. I was exposed at what I believe is the beginning, with the Kirk/Spock/McCoy fanfic. It may explain why I became the person I am.
Say no more, Windrose; say no more.
No, I mean it. Please stop right there! 8)
Wimps. Supernatural fandom. You don’t want to know what I’ve seen there. it’s the fandom where incest is tame.
Hello corner. I missed you.
Let me put on these work gloves. I don’t want to leave fingerpr– uh, I mean finger smudges. I’d so hate that on that lovely finish. And act natural if the police come by; I don’t want them asking me any questions about the, um, uh, expired inspection sticker on my car.
Boy, you got a dead body in that thing?
Naw, just my pappy. He’s been coffin a bit, but otherwise he’s okay.
I’m getting bettah!
Don’t listen to him, he’ll be stone dead in a few minutes.
I think I’ll go for a walk.
I don’t see what the problem is. The coffin is obviously filled with cabbages.
I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable and totally legal explanation for why Sparky wants to dump a coffin that has been nailed shut in a secluded wooded area and is looking to hire a total stranger (who probably can’t be linked to Sparky if he suddenly vanishes) to help him.
Ummm…
Maybe Sparky had a worm farm in the coffin and they all turned into zombie earthworms that now crave living human flesh?
If I said you had a beautiful coffin, would you hold it against me?
We don’t have to take it all the way to the secluded woods! No, we can put it in the Snark Lounge and use it as a coffin table. 8) If it starts to smell, I still have some spray paint left over. Say, your ex didn’t collect dead birds, did he?
I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks of repurposing stuff. You could make a nifty conversation-piece bookcase out of a coffin, I think.
But only if it’s empty! Clearly this one … ain’t.
Here in NZ, we build them to be dual-purpose from the get go.*
*Full disclosure – I think this is AWESOME.
Jen – this is GREAT! I want the one with the wine rack insert. I wonder if it is possible to have a small freezer installed for chilling vodka…
“I’m not goin’ till hell freezes over! What do you mean it’s got a head start?”
Ooooh that smell
Can’t you smell that smell?
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you ……
(I tried, but I couldn’t resist).
Hammy’s in the box today. We’ll need some serious volunteers to clean up afterwards.
That counts me out. I’ve only ever been a silly volunteer.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure only Corey and Matt have ever been serious around here.
Bad day to be in the box Hammy. Just make sure they don’t try to nail it shut.
Ever since that unfortunate incident where we left Taco in for a week, the Blogthorities have required us to install those emergency releases in the box. I wouldn’t worry.*
*This might not actually be good advice.
*Wakes up, bumps head*
Hey, where am I!
It’s dark in here and smells like my Gramma, HEY, let me out!!!
*Not wagging*
From outside the box:
“MRFMLM MRMFRMLM! FRMRMMMRLFM!!!”
Hammy sure sounds like he’s having fun in there! Is the hole deep enough yet?
That’s not your grandma you smell, it’s monkey’s great-aunt. Enjoy the awesome collection of dead birds!
In fact Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, ‘dead’?
Mr Aldridge I put it to you that you are dead.
Mr Aldridge are you considering the question or are you just dead?
I think I’d better take a look.
No further questions.
” ‘Parking Offense?’ M’lord? Schmarking offense!”
Hopefully he was listening when Pai Mei explained the Five Point Palm Exploding Coffin Technique.
Just now found this ref to me. Thanks for the shout out. We were knee deep in paint and primer all day yesterday, barely had time for dinner and showers. My bedroom is now a gentle spring apple green. Maybe even minty.
PS: If Great Aunty had had access to a coffin, she would have absolutely turned it into some creepy but useful home furnishing. Gawd bless her. She’s hoarding in heaven now.
PPS: She lived in a college town and after she passed her house was turned into apartments for the university kids. I can only imagine what they found way deep in the corners. Would have been like a scavenger hunt.
I always figured that if I needed to dispose of a large heavy something or other…it was best to cut it down to more manageable (and less easily reassembled) pieces. Not that I ever considered actually doing this to any one….er….thing….er….I’ll just be moving along now…nothing to see here. Please let’s just keep this between us.
May I please borrow some bleach? There’s a peculiar smell coming out of my wood chipper. Please just keep this between us. Thanks.
I’m starting to worry about some of you people.
You just started now?
The Llamanun suffers from an extreme case of Delayed-Reaction Syndrome.
Your use of the future perfect tense is amusing
< not resembling Ernst Stavro Blofeld at all>
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball
What is de Zombie’s favorite alcoholic beverage?
De zombie!
Bacontini not really understand though. He tink dat de zombie be much happier wit a fresh, cool glass of Bacontini. Yes: smooth, refreshing, and with a thin layer of rendered bacon fat on de rim.
As always Bacontini is here for you, even if you are de zombie, but especially if you are de lady.
What is a vampire’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A Tisket, a Casket.
A-turnin’ a-tossin’
Craig and Sparkette boffin’
They hid away to make their love
And did it in a coffin
A-whoopin’ a-coughin’
Sparkette began a frothin’
She turned a pale minty green
And then began a ralfin’
A-pukin’ a-ploppin’
Then Craig began to soften
A quick exit was in store
For the smell began a-waftin’
A-dyin’, forgotten
Sparkett began a-rottin’
Craig knew just a-what to do
He’d nail shut that coffin
A-thinkin’ a-plottin’
Craig started in a-laffin’
I’ll just post a Craigslist ad
Need to move a coffin
You guys slay me.
That’s no half Vlad!
Meh, I’ve seen it live. This impales in comparison.
And then, just when you think you’ve seen it all – it takes flight and bites you where the sun don’t shine.
I’ll take it; I could use a new one. (Before anyone asks “casket or body?”, the answer’s yes. This painting is getting cramped.
Yes de scourge, I’ve heard all dis.
)
You’re welcome.
This is a great way to make money. Although, it is not as easy as the money I made helping that guy move out of his apartments at 3 am. I guess he had some really bad luck with landlords and roommates since I helped him move six times in a month.
In the dark ages, B.C.(Before Craigslist), you used to just drive people out to the desert and give them a shovel. The internets have made our society lazy. “Hey Joey, we don’t have to do all ‘dat drivin, we just places an ad and someone else does the dirty work, youz guys. Gas ain’t gettin’ any cheaper, and this ’64 Lincoln is thirsty, see.” *Read in your best 30’s mobster voice*
Aww… I was reading it in Elmo’s voice.
Spoilsport.
Hi Steve! No fires today?
PUDDING NOT ON FIRE, at least.
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed,
“I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast.
“I’m ashamed of both of you!” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”
Oh if only they actually cost that little.
The worst part of this ad? The use of dashes in place of periods, and without any spaces!
Okay Hammy, you can come out now. Hey, who nailed this door shut? Dag nabit, now we have to wait until Mr. Crowbar gets here in the morning. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Wallachia!
No f’ing way…