YSaC, Vol. 1149: Last Christmas, I gave you my hawk …
2011 December 22
used duct tape
about two hundred feet of used duct tape. Some of it crumpled up into large wads. some still got some stick to it. Hate to see it go to waste. will deliver for a fee.
Oh thank heavens, I finally figured out what to get Dan for Christmas. This will be great! Not like three years ago, when I got him the nacho cheese fountain. Or two years ago, when I fell for that guy pretending to be an art dealer. Or last year, when I got him all that haunted furniture. He still can’t get the weasel off his head.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
I can use it with my Simpson’s individual stringettes.
This needs so many doors.
I remember gathering around the Christmas stick and participating in the traditional Unwadding of The Christmas Duct Tape – it was right after the traditional Straightening of The Christmas Paper Clips but before the annual Igniting of The Christmas Sterno. We would sing Christmas carols and roast mini-marshmallows all night long!
Ahh, memories.
Duct the halls.
With dumpster Cheetos,
Tra La-La-La-La, La La La La!
Tis the season, to bees Nerky!
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Don we now our lousy ponchos,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-laaaa
Look! A head of cheese for my nachos
Fa-la-la-la, la la la la!
Poke the blazing fool before us,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laa.
Count the bees that buzz in chorus,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laa.
Go to Craigslist for junkyard treasures,
Fa la la, la la la, la la laaaaa!
Sparky’s stupid is our pleasure,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaaa.
Actually, famous bird-lovers will send you–on Beesmus–vintage cereals NIB, “New In Box” as the auction vendors scribe it.
Now, that “straight from the dumpster, ah, cache, no doubt is much enamored of hard-core collectors. I’ve never been quite that OCD about collecting. Not quite.
Christmas suddenly has a light side and a dark side.
Like the Force. And it binds the galaxy together.
A sticky and a non-sticky side;
A used and a not-used side;
For sale, free–
But delivery wanted,
That is extra.
Duct tape wadded up in sticky balls,
Red Green fixing up on your hose,
You’ll have fun taping Aunt Carol to a chair,
The folks all trussed up like dirty Ho’s.
Everybody knows a cork screw and some missile fuel,
Help to make the season bright.
Tequila shots will make bad things all go,
Won’t be hard to sleep tonight.
They know the cops are on their way;
They’ve loaded lots of not-so goodies into jail.
And every mutha F-er is going to try,
To see if Mickey’s really shows you how to fly.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase,
To Sparky’s from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
You’re an asshat, yes you!
This kind of gift really holds us all together during the holidays!
The best thing to do with used duct tape is to burn it. Such pretty colors! Don’t breathe the smoke, though…
Gives new meaning to the phrase, contact high.
AHHH! GET IT OFF ME!!
Ahhh…finally a great gift idea for my ex inlaws. For all the happy years. (Oh, sorry. Did I just get bitter there for a second?)
How about a great gift for my CURRENT in-laws?! I believe duct tape would represent my true feelings for them. Heh. 🙂
Sticky and smooshed? Corner time for the Monkey!
Ewwwwwwwwww! Heh!
can I have it for my ex ?
You can trade in you ex for used duct tape? Sounds like a bargain to me.
Well, I know what I’m getting my [redacted] next year at the Beesmas gift exchange.
No way, didn’t notice when I first read the ad. Sparky actually wants a fee for delivery. Monkey please!
Yet going back to the ex inlaws, just think of the look on their faces when Sparky delivers the Christmas joy, lint, adhesive, stray dog hairs to their home. I’d pay Spark to take a Polaroid! (oops…bitter again. Damn, therapy just doesn’t pay off)
You kiddin’, val? YSaC is the best therapy around.
Of course, you do get what you pay for.
Maybe our Benign Overlords (BBUT) should change the site’s motto to “YSaC – better therapy than bubble wrap!”
Does make a person wonder if there is a “litmus” test for sweet-to-bitter
(one not requiring a wet lab and a microscopy technician).
They’d hate to see USED duct tape go to waste? What would anyone re-use it for?
This about covers it…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BSDZJSKiVI
A Yosemite Sam made out of duct tape… that’s possibly the most redneck-iest thing ever.
I was thinking I MUST have a duct tape Elvis!
Yes, yes, you must (and mine, too) <G>
And when I get implicated by the cops and sent to the pokey because of the DNA on the duct tape, I wonder if Sparky will at least split my lawyer’s fees with me.
That’s actually quite brilliant of Sparky. He gets rid of the evidence, gets paid to deliver it and avoids all that nasty jail time over the holiday’s.
Roland: Love your name and avatar. That was an awesome series.
Some still got some WHAT stuck to it?
Pecil!
Takes a lickin’ and keeps on stickin’!
I know, I should have just stayed in the corner from yesterday.
Duct tape is the real reason I couldn’t open the pod bay doors.
The rest of that nastiness was just a huge misunderstanding.
Wads of duct tape, you say? I’ve got some belly button lint, a paper clip, and a stick of chewing gum… I can McGuyver a ham radio set out of that!
MandaB, we don’t see you here as often as before, but when you do show up, you make it count! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Jim Berg, Tim Nyberg, and Tony Dierckins!