YSaC, Vol. 1165: Oh my Dog.
2012 January 12
Possible Jesus dog found
This dog has camped out on our porch. Since its ‘the season’ and all that crap it might be Jesus in dog form or it might just be a lost dog. The dog appears to be about 1000 years old, it’s small, black, and has a crazy charles manson like gray beard. We’ve given it a sweater (pink with sparkles) and some dog food (organic). If this is a real dog that belongs to you and not Jesus please email me.
Robert
I’m sure when Jesus does come back, he would love to be dressed in a pink sparkly sweater. Wait a minute … does this mean …
Okay, he doesn’t have the beard, but he does have the crazy Charles Manson eyes, doesn’t he?
Thanks for the ad, Maria!
Dog rest ye merry Gentlesparks
Ask nothing for the pay
Remember, Christ our Terrier
Showed up on Christmas Day
To save us all from sparky’s derp
(It’s probably a stray)
Organic food and a spark-i-ly sweater
Piiiink sweeeaaaateeeeer
Organic food and a spark-i-ly sweater.
And, lo, did the Lord saith on the day that was most Holy…
“Jesus! Jesus Christ! Where is that boy when I need him most?”
:Gabriel enters the room:
“Gabe, have you seen my son?”
“Uh…yeah, about that…”
“What’s he done this time?”,God says rubbing his brow.
“Well, you see God…he’s, well…”
:thunder rolls and Gabriel looks alarmed:
“God, he’s gone to Earth…as a dog.”
“A dog? Why a dog?”
“Because ‘dog’ spelled backwards is…”
“God. Cute, Jesus, real cute. Just for that you shall stay on Earth as a dog and will wear pink, sparkly sweaters, have your toes polished and some neurotic female will carry you around in her purse all day until you are ready to hurl from motion sickness and have to pee so bad you think your bladder might burst. “
:Gabriel giggles:
“And, I shall give you a pretentious sounding name, like…I don’t know.”
:Gabriel stares at the mint-chocolate candy bar in his hand:
“God, why not call him a ‘Yorkie’.”
:God smiles, and Seattle sees sunshine for the first time in months – there is much rejoicing:
“So let it be written, so let it be done. Henceforth, and remember Jesus you brought this on yourself, you shall forever be a dog called a ‘Yorkie’.”
And it came to pass that all across the land neurotic women chose to have Yorkies as pets, and St. Francis wept.
Every time I look at you, I think it’s so weird,
Jesus as an ancient dog with such a strange beard.
You’d have managed better as a cheeseburger cat,
So why’d you have to be a dog and a small black one at that?
If you save me now, I’ll give you this sparkly sweater
And organic dog food; does it get any better?
Jesus dog, Jesus dog,
On my front porch sleeping like a log,
Jesus dog, Jesus dog,
On my front porch sleeping like a log.
Jesus dog, superstar,
Are you what Sparky here says you are?
Jesus dog, superstar,
Are you what Sparky here says you are?
I had a vole show up on my doorstep in spring that looked like a little buddha. *sigh* My cat thought it looked like lunch. I didn’t even have time to bring it a miniature tutu, or organic kibble, poor thing.
I will pay someone elebenty oboes to call Sparky and say;
“ROBERT, THIS IS GOD. I BELIEVE YOU FOUND MY DOG.”
I’ll even throw in a tub of vintage cereal if you can do it in a close approximation of James Earl Jones’ voice.
Would you settle for Kathleen Turner after she’s smoked 50 packs of cigarettes in a row? Because that’s what my voice sounds like.
Llamanun, I think I just fell in love with you.
Oooh… me 2…
I love her voice.
I’m not sure I’m ready for my Llamanun–BBUH–to be like Kathleen Turner’s character on Californication . . .
*Fires up the VoiceofGodinator in the orbiting cave of wonders*
*Rubs hands together* “Hehe, this is gunna be good.”
*HUGE BOOMING VOICE* HAMMY STEP AWAY FROM THE CONSOLE.”
“Oops sorry boss, I forgot I was banned from the VoiceofGodinator after the Charlie Sheen incident.”
“IGNORE THE DOG-POSING-AS-AN-OMNIPOTENT-BEING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!”
I’d be happy with a Morgan Freeman voice*.
*well, not me personally….
So, is it really 7000 in dog years?
Shouldn’t that be 14,000?
You can’t calculate dog years using cat math.
No no no, silly cute little puppy. If you use cat math the value would be “cheese”.
Sparky, this is not complicated.
Dog walks on water=Jesus.
Dog walks on your liver=Manson.
Dog walks on the wild side=Lou Reed.
Dog walks like an Egyptian…
And just in case it’s necessary… I can walking your Jesus!
Hmm, I wonder how often Jesus needs to be walked.
*looks on Amazon for the holy pooper scooper of Antioch*
Then it’s a floppy eared Bangle…
Reckon we’ll be seeing Bob Barker reminding us on TV to spay and neuter our Jesuses?
*crack boom thunder AAAHHH! smell of burning monkey fur*
Ah, I just love Blasphemy Day on YSaC. Probably because Daddy Monkey was a preacher.
Monkey, I think you mean “Jesii.”
I think we need to get out the duck scale.
Um, I’m pretty sure if Jesus were alive today he’d be TWO thousand years old. So I’ll venture Sparky’s 1000-year-old dog is actually William the Conqueror.
Hmm, very possible, but William is portrayed as either clean shaven or with a very neat beard. Nothing is said about a crazy look. If the dog tries to annex the garage, that would be a clue.
How much conquering would he have to do before you could be sure? Is peeing on one corner sufficient? I doubt it… Hammy does more than that when claiming the box.
Hmm, perhaps it is Harold Godwinson, reborn as a bearded Yorkie, in search of the reincarnated Guillaume le Conquérant as payback for Hastings.
Egads, has anyone told Dan Brown yet?
The Mayan calender could be a ruse, the short, beardless, pot-bellied Norman being a Chee-hua-hua now named Guillermo, and the Highlander-There-Can-Only-Be-One climax to Life, the Universe, and Everything being in 2066, and not 2012!!..!!
[hides, stockpiling tuna cat treats]
Oh Gawd. That’s just crazy enough to make sense and really worry me.
Wait a minute, I won’t be alive in 2066. Whew.
[boring box update justification] Everyone who got high adores yesterday has already been in the box, some of them the day before. I like to spread the wealth, as it were. And D/DM’s comment is germane to the day’s post and also came late in the day when fewer adores are awarded. So there. [/boring box update justification]
*crosses fingers*
I hope they don’t find out about my use of snark-enhancing substances…
This simple test won’t take very long.
I knew it! I knew that ‘dorable little face was just a little too sweet!
Dee, you’ve brought shame to the National Snark Games. Turn over your medals. And I’m sure Purina will be contacting you soon re those nice fat enorsements.
*waggles*
*sad puppy-dog eyes*
D’aw, I can’t stand it.
*rubs puppy’s tummy*
*Stands in line*
Oh good grief, look what I’ve started.
If it’s all the same to you, monkey, I’d really rather not look at that. Hammy, corner.
Windy, darling, relax. We’re all about the sharing here. 🙂
This smack of socialism…OCCUPY BAUX!!
I thought that’s what you were already doing.
This sounds like it’s going to end like the urban legend of rat-mistaken-for-dog.
http://www.localtraveltip.com/giant-sewer-rat-mistaken-for-chihuahua-by-tourists/ch-2/
Hey Robert,
A picture would be nice!
Jesus should show up in it since I don’t believe he is, in any part, vampire (well, maybe a little holy ghostie). The organic dog food is a nice touch since it says in the Book of Luke that Jesus shopped at Whole Foods (mainly for gefilte fish and crusty bread). However, I don’t think the Messiah would be caught dead* in a pink and rhinestone loin cloth, so what are you thinking?
*yeah, I said it.
Holy ghostie? I thought we were talking about almighty dog. Now we’re on feline spirits, and I’m really confused.
I was wondering why I was feeling all sanctified all of a sudden.
I think Almighty Dog® is a kind of blessed dog food.
Yeah, but only kind of.
Yeah. Only kind of. But it’s made by Pure-ina. The holy virgin of fido snack food.
Holy Crap!
Only in the yard, Lizard. It’s so holy it gives off steamy halos.
And smells like lielacks.
I thought it smelled like Victory.
Nope, it Smells Like the Holy Spirit.
Nirvana is reached through a different religion.
No, I think that’s Napalm Sunday.
Is that anything like a Napalm Sundae? I’ve had one of those and it wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.
I hear the nuts and the cherry on top are NOT what you would be expecting.
And now we know how there came to be a Ghostcat.
Must be all that unleavened organic dog food
Do dyslexic agnostics question the existence of a dog?
oN
Insomniac dyslexic agnostics stay up all night pondering the existence of Dog.
I can in no way top any of this. I will point out that Richard Simmons probably shaved the beard to disguise himself so no one would recognize him as Manson and/or Jesus. When the time is right, it’ll sprout to full length instantaneously, much like Scott’s did in The Santa Clause.
Sort of OT – book recommendation – Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Jesus’ Childhood Friend by Christopher Moore. 😀
Chris Moore FTW.
“Brown? My eyesight is restored, and everything is Brown?”
I have heard about that book, but never actually looked for it! Hey, this would be a good book (no pun — okay, maybe a little one — intended) to restart the YSaC Book Club! All in favor?
I vote for it. I’m always up for good book selections.
P.S. I gave the magic formula a test run, Windy. Did it pass?
Archie, it did indeed! Glad you told me though, or I might have missed it. 8)
Eye!
OMG, Yes, Christopher Moore FTW. I have never found any other author whose books I have been forbidden to read in bed because I wake Mr. Tank up laughing. Island of the Sequined Love Nun has some of the funniest dialog ever written.
I would put good money on this ad being posted in Portland. It just has that feel.
Atlanta, actually.
That’s where I am! And I thought the guy on the street the other day who asked me if I’ve found Jesus was trying to convert me.
Did anyone check to find out if the Jesus/Dog was male or female? I mean, the Pope is gonna be really pissed if Jesus turns out to be a bitch…
On the 12th day, Grampdaddy arose and ventured again into the Land of Snark.
Congratulations, D/DM for holding down the box all day by yourself! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Muttropolis!