YSaC, Vol.1296: Gee Eddie, I’m sorry your queen blew up.
2012 July 16
Wanted – free nice bedroom set
I have a guest room that needs a bedroom set (full/queen bed), preferably a nice set. I have a large family and my beautiful children have already popped the new Eddie Bauer blow up queen bed; so my guests do not have any where to sleep. 🙂 If you are like me and just need the space and want the set to go to a great home-we are it! I don’t have a truck so if there is anyway you could drop it off, that would be a bonus as well. Thank you!
That’s right. We want you to give us furniture. But not crappy furniture. We only like to ruin the good stuff. Also, we’d like you to bring it to us, since we’re simply to good to fetch our own soon-to-be-kindling.
Thanks for the post, LHM!
Wanted – a witty comment
I have no witty things to say in this section because my kids tore apart my last comment using reason, logic, and common sense. If you have a comment you’re not using and want it to go to a good home, I’d love it like it was my own. Also it would be great if you could come to my house and type it out for me as I have already used my energy up typing this request.
Dear Sparky,
I do have a spare queen bedroom set I can drop off. It includes the queen. I am sure she will be a fine addition to your family with a little encouragement from your children; she’s too lazy and demanding to do anything on her own, which is why I am dumping her. I just need space.
Thank you for your generous offer.
Just as long as she’s not a killer queen…
…erm, on second thought, I retract my caveat.
Is that the one with or without the laser beams?
Guaranteed to blow your mind. Anytime.
Insatiable in appetite?
Off with his head!
While you’re up, do you think you could get a second job to pay for house renovations? We can’t get a home-improvement loan because we’ve trashed the place so much. Oh, yeah, and could you water the plants?
Egads, largesse oblige?
Although, calling a/the Queen “full” is underlikely to encourage coughing up the best spare bedroom ensemble, and deliver same, too.
And, “the grandkids popped the Eddie Bauer bed”? Really? If these are minor children, have you omitted an”o”–if so, I’m not delivering one to you. If adult grandchildren, just what were they up to when the rebranded Aero puncture-resistant inflatable burst? A reenactment of the Battle of Hastings, perhaps?
Oh, wait, you have no truck and expect me to deliver all the answers, too?
Well, there is this ting called employment. It’s a painful, exhausting, ongoing misery, but 72% of the adult population manages to suffer through same. Then, there are these things called “furniture stores.” They vend such items, quite often from a wide selection of options. Almost all of said stores either offering or providing delivery (they may shy away from carting off the popped pooed Edie Bauer bed, though).
If, in fact, your family is a mix of Kardashians and Jersey Shore on PCP, then, you will have to make your own hotel arrangements, the Super 8 Suites is going to be cranky if I deliver up #1308 on your doorstep–that you have explosive/excreting grandchildren notwithstanding.
I got the sudden mental image of a giant vending machine for furniture, strangely enough it looked a lot like an IKEA store.
Every town deserves the new IKEA Fulvëhønngänebjørgen vending machine! Pop in 30 Kröner, get the “missing” leg of your table that your kid used as a battering ram.
And it gives you your change back in allen wrenches.
Same here — it just looked like Rooms To Go. Just swipe your credit card, press your selection B124 and poof it slides into the waiting truck and then magically arrives at your house. (and no I haven’t taken my meds yet this morning)
I envision mine to look like one giant Pez dispenser.
Which works fine until the head pops off… then you’ve got chairs, pillows and window treatments flying everywhere.
Wait, Sparky had grandchildren while we weren’t looking? Quick, time’s awasting!
I have a bedroom set I’ve tried to sell on Craigslist, but I had no takers. Maybe because it had the word “whore” scratched in the headboard.
“Popped the new Eddie Bauer blow up bed” is my new favorite double entendre for sex.
I’ve got a better idea, Sparky – you clearly can’t afford to take care of your guest room in the proper style, and I could use a guest room and would provide it with a great home, so why don’t you just give it to me?
I….
WANT…
MY…
FREE BEDROOM SET!
no problem … right after I get my free $1,000,000 or obo’s
You’ll get it right after my M’mmmTV…..
HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!HERE’S A RED TABLE, TAKE IT FOR FREE!
RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE. RED TABLE FOR SALE. TAKE IT FOR FREE.
*FIFY
Damn it, that makes me cringe. Does Sparky REALIZE how much an inflatable Eddie Mercury costs these days?
Does this work for anything? Can I post CL ads looking for a nicer car (“my kids spilled chocolate milk all over the back seat! I’m sure you must want that space in your garage where your own vehicle is currently sitting”)?
Because if that’s all it takes to upgrade my stuff, I’m going to be posting a fuckton of CL ads in the very near future.
Snort. “Fuckton.” I’m so using that today, at least once.
Is that a Standard or Metric Fuckton?
How many cubic knives are in a metric fuckton, again?
I’m Canadian, so it’s a metric fuckton, definitely.
I thought perhaps fuckton was the staple diet of the sperm whale, but Wikipedia tells me I’m wrong. “Its diet includes giant squid and colossal squid”, they say. No jumbo squid, mammoth squid or humongous squid, apparently.
I’ll bet they eat a fuckton of them.
Unless the kids popped the frame too, I’m not sure why you need a whole new set. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t have a frame to begin with. The mattress was on the floor and now you want an upgrade. Totally understandable.
…but if the mattress is on the floor….where will they hide the bodies?
Let the bodies hit the floor.
I thought I might have found a nice free mattress for Sparky, but even this one they want $500 for.
You can’t make me click on that.
“Slightly noticeable afterbirth stains?” You mean that huge pink puddle there? Sanitized my aunt Fanny! Still smells like placenta to me.
I’m betting the guests would prefer to sleep at a hotel, anyway.
Lilo, I’m catching up with my duties (or is that doodies?) from Monday and today. So here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Day, Howard Johnson!