YSaC, Vol. 1358: Please don’t feed the piano
2012 October 10
FREE PIANO (may be haunted!!!) :O
hey im looking to get rid of this hella creepy piano in my basement it sounds great and is in good condition but im pretty sure its huanted (mayb like a chupacabra or s/t) plz let me know if ur interested take at ur own risk!!!!!!!!!!!
A chupacabra.
In your piano.
Really.
A mythical, spiny, fearsome animal the size of a large dog that sucks the blood out of goats.
In the piano.
…
…
I’ll TAKE it!!
Thanks, Kate!
To be Ur-interesting, do i not have to be pre-possessed?
That “or s/t” is nagging at my curiosity,
Oh, how droll, that’s netspeak for “something”
Well, at least bonus points for using the slash, apparently, the 80% usage is just “st”–so much for reading comprehension.
It boggles the mind that he spelled “chupacabra” correctly.
It’s all about what’s important to you. Peeanou? Sure, why not. Chupacabra? THAT’S vitally important.
Maybe he was going for “Chewbacca”?
A piano possessed by a seven-foot-tall hairy alien that only speaks in growls? I wants it!
What?
No possibly awesome tag?
I’ll add it to my collection. I have a French horn haunted by the Hook Man and a bass viol with an infestation of basilisks.
I have only a closet where the Mothman seems to dwell. He does foresee what outfit would be best for the day.
I have a bathtub frequently inhabited by Cthulhu…
I know for certain there are gremlins in my work’s printers. Darn things never work right.
I don’t think Windrose would approve of that.
Digi, I think you must be mistaken. He usually just showers.
I have a kazoo that’s possessed by a duck.
He stole it from me while I was at the park; I keep hoping he’ll give it back, but so far no luck.
Hey, we have kazoo leash laws, y’know. Let it run loose in the park and it gets absconded. Them’s the rules.
Qwzaaaaack?
If there are kazoo leash laws, are there pick-up-the-kazoo-poo laws too?
Ah, the legendary Hook Man french horn. The story goes, if you are not pure of heart and of tone, when you put that right hand in the bell, you will pull it back out at the end of the concert and find it’s been replaced by a hook!
Um, excuse me, I have a terrible idea for a children’s book to go write.
A chupacabra ghost is hiding in the piano in order to ambush goat spirits? You must be kidding.
Although spirits are probably involved here.
I’m waiting for a pipe organ possessed by a Yeti.
Note to self: Do not play “Festival du Chevre” by Debussy on that thing.
“GEORGE! Stop playing that damned pie-anny!”
“But, Moooooooooooom I’m gonna be the next Jerry Lee Lewis!”
“No, no you’re not George, not the way you play.”
Thoroughly crestfallen, George’s hands slide away from the keys…and as the tears begin to slowly trickle down his cheeks, the 12-yr. old has a revelation.
Thus, George’s Chupacabra S/T in E Minor was born.
Somewhere Bach and Beethoven weep.
A free piano may seem like a great deal but take into consideration the money you’ll be paying for goat meat to keep the chupacabra fed
But seeing Sparky’s face when you ask “So where do I insert the goat?” would be priceless.
Hey, Beelzebub?
Yeah, I’m kinda new to this possessing thing.
Are they supposed to be giving me goats?
Piano in a basement is not free.
It’s a prisoner of back-breaking, knee-ruining, elbow-straining stairs.
It’s not haunted by chupacabra, it’s posessed by exclamation points!!!!!!!
*sigh* It’s not haunted, Sparky. It’s probably just one of those old bar types with the cylinders that have a song recorded on them. This causes the keys to move up and down as well, so it only LOOKS like there’s an invisible chupacabra playing it. Tell your buddies to stop putting quarters in it.
*eyes the haunted doll, haunted stuffed bird, and haunted auntie juice-stained couch* Okay, we could put it in that corner.
A piano is born
With a sound so forlorn.
You swear that the thing must be haunted.
A creature with horns.
And Ivory thorns.
You believe that it shouldn’t be taunted.
But what if it’s true.
Chupacabra and you.
I’d say the idea is hinky.
Maybe it’s voo-doo.
It plays Scooby-doo
Makes you want to scream Chinkies!
It’s huanted, so it must be a fuax chupacabra (aka a chapacubra). As long as you don’t have any gaots, everything should be fine.
I thought a fuax chupacabra was a “nauga-cabra”. Maybe just down here in the South.
But the real question is: does the chupacabra like water sports?
The thing that bothered Sparky the most was not the strange scratchings or the appearances of mutilated corpses of neighborhood pets turning up dead next to the piano on nights following full moons… no, the issue was the perplexing emptiness inside. Sparky had opened the lid to see what was scratching less than a week after getting the piano, and found himself suddenly overcome with a sense of vertigo and emptiness.
To all outward appearances, the supports, boards, and springs were all exactly as they should be in a normal piano, and yet… he could not shake the sense of space, of depth, of vast emptiness within. It was as if the springs inside were at once both six inches beneath the lid, and sixty feet below. The tuning pins were simultaneously smaller than his hands could manipulate, and giant metallic monstrosities the size of traffic barriers, grotesque facsimiles rendered in exacting detail for the sole and exclusive purpose of confounding mortal man’s sense of scale and proportion.
This was absurd, of course; with only the help of his brother and the crazy old lady who sold him the piano, he had wheeled the piano out of the truck and up into his house via a system of two-by-fours. It wasn’t – couldn’t be as massive as he imagined. And yet… gripping the lid tightly with the fingers of his left hand, Sparky swiped at the taut wires inside. His right hand passed though air. Had he misjudged the length of his own arm?
It was there, paused over the open abyss, that Sparky felt it: a warm breeze emanating from within the piano, smelling not so much of years of ash from the old lady’s chain-smoking habits, but of rended meat, fresh and dripping, an exultation of strength and hunger. Primal, deep, it beckoned him to come, feast. A flash of motion from below – how far? – stopped him cold. The strength and power was not his. The feast was not his. The hunger was not his. Something, some ruthless force of nature beyond malevolence, had already claimed mastery over the piano.
In a single swift move bought of the instinctive preservational swiftness of the gazelle, Sparky brought the lid crashing down upon the piano, sealing the opening and setting off cacophonous vibrations deep within the unfathomable mechanism.
Sparky decided to take up the guitar instead.
But how else will I collect my $200?
*ring ring*
Hello? Oh, yeah, er, hang on a minute.
Diggie: Stephen King is on line one for you, says you just stole the plot from his next bestseller.
*line two rings*
Hello? C. S. Lewis? No, no, you have the wrong number.
Digital: Do you have a lawyer?
Drat, I’m still paying out to Edgar Allan Poe…
(The guitar is also cursed)
Puppy? Is that you?
[corey]
The original version of Piano Man featured a 2 minute musical duet with a chupacabra about 3/4 of the way through the song. There was also a lyrical difference where
“We’re all in the mood for a melody”
was actually
“We’re all in the mood for a goat spleen”
during the chorus leading up to the solo.
Both parts were cut out when the chupacabra started wanting a larger cut of the tour profits. He broke with Billy Joel after an explosive argument about the line in his contract that equated the his cut to 1/2 goat per performance and was not being adjusted for inflation.
After their break, the chupacabra had a very short pairing with Jewel that quickly dissolved due to a goat massacre that was never conclusively traced back to Jewel.
The chupacabra ended up touring on his own but was much less successful. Eventually he took to haunting player-pianos to pay the bills.
[/corey]
Perhaps the piano has just been drinking.
Who wants a piano that is only “possibly haunted”? Guaranteed is what we want!
The thing no one ever thinks about when giving or receiving pianos is the hidden costs involved with a free piano. They have to be tuned when moved, even across the floor in the same room, sometimes if the floor isn’t level. This is why school pianos universally sound hideous. So that free piano will cost probably a couple of hundred bucks to have someone come and tune it, plus the cost of goats, chickens, and other miscellaneous sacrifices the undetermined inhabitant demands. Chupacabra seems like an odd choice though. I would have expected a wraith or ghoul, possibly even a gremlin or a yumwi depending on the region. Sparky doesn’t seem to have majored in cryptozoology, though, so it is a wonder he isn’t claiming it to be the home of Nessie or Sasquatch. I’m sure it isn’t a banshee, they tend to dislike any noise besides their own voices.
TacoMagic had a thong, EIEIO!
And on this thong he had some bells, EIEIO!
With a Jingle here and a Jingle There!
Here a twang, there twang, everywhere a twang-snap!
TacoMagic had a thong, EIEIEIEIEIEEIIIIII!!!!
Good Morning, Mr. Piano Man!