YSaC, Vol. 1481: Hielten sich für Spinneschwein
Weekend experienced balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown
Are you able to twist a Spiderman or Space Alien balloon sculpture, in under 8 minutes? Do you have “life energy” that you can “project” to kids, at a birthday party?
This job’s mission is to create happy childhood memories. Every else is just “details”.
This is a permanent, part-time position. We are looking for birthday party professionals who will go to several parties every weekend, and make kids feel special, by dialog.
Please email your complete work experience and number, for a phone interview. Do not send your resume as an attachment, because we don’t open email attachments. (You can copy and paste your Word doc into the text of your email. instead.)
About us: A group of dedicated, reliable entertainers who want to create a better future. As such, we charge the public VERY low fees.
There is an old Dutch saying: “Happy people can never be evil.”
The job of balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown has a long and storied history. Starting from medieval times, when they were known in northern Germany as Ballontwisterbildhauerkünstlerbiegevorrichtungclowns, the profession has evolved to modern times. To receive recognition as a balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown you must spend at least 2,000 hours apprenticed to a master balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown, after which you can be certified as a journeyman balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown.
And even then, most balloon twister sculptor artist bender clowns are only beginners capable of twisting a Spiderman in the underwhelming time of seven minutes and thirty seconds or so. Given that this is approximately seven minutes and thirty five seconds longer than the attention span of the average child today, the journeyman balloon twister sculptor artist bender clown still has a long way to go before they have enough “life energy” to project at a “birthday party” without getting “arrested” and having their “just details” put in a “special database.”
Thanks for the post, Cheryl!
One wonders why they needed to clarify that the b.t.s.a.b.clowns make kids feel special “by dialog.” And if that is somehow related to the reason they don’t open email attachments anymore.
Are you a space-opera villain in search of a new career?
Twisting a better future, one balloon animal at a time.
Well hi there, creepy clown guy! Why no, I see absolutely nothing wrong with you “twisting your balloon” in front of a bunch of kids. Come on over!
Funniest ever TC! Ever.
I always thought the first sign of evilness was the ubiquitous maniacal, Vincent Price-esque laughter. Seems pretty happy to me.
PB, get outta my head! 😛
Apparently Rutger Hauer isn’t as giddy as I’d always pictured him to be.
Plopper! I just got it.
Mein Deutsch ist ganz schlecht.
(Autocorrect says: Mein Dutch it’s Hans schlocky.)
VERY low fees.
VERY.
This sounds like a warning from the Inexpensive Happy Not-Evil Clown mafia.
Don’t make us give them….a DISCOUNT.
Squeeee! Hi, Laurel!
Bonjour!
Should you fail in your mission, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your involvement. Please eat this email. Your computer will self-destruct in five seconds. Should you choose to speak, any and all comments may be used against you. *whisper* Miranda!
Two by two, hands of blue.
:hands out blue latex gloves:
You have eight minutes to turn these into a spaceship. :clicks stopwatch: Go!
Can’t I just kill everyone, instead? Quicker, and more entertaining for today’s kiddies.
I’m pretty sure if you try to “project” your “life energy” at kids, the authorities will become involved.
I have “plastic toys” I can “throw at them”. Does that count?
Spiderpig
Spiderpig
Does whatever a…
….. oh, hang on, it’s deflated.
Me! me! Me! I can do it … but, hang on, I’m not experienced at weekends. I’ve only just passed my Public Holiday Certificate and had to repeat Wednesdays twice.
I keep trying to think of something funny to say, but am too skeeved out to think of anything clever. Grossity gross.
Also, in Soviet Russia balloon twists you!
A better future through chem– balloon sculpture! Through interpretative balloon sculpture, we can counter child abuse, fear of clowns, droughts, pink eye and neuroses. We’re also working on edible balloons so we can fight starvation, too (but we haven’t figured out all the kinks yet). And remember: les gens heureux sont tous des imbéciles.
Dear Sparky:
I am a twisted clown bender sculptor; no balloons are necessary. I can usually twist a clown into an artistic abstract sculpture in less than 10 seconds. Soviet Realism takes longer.
This may not be exactly what you asked for, but I assure you I have no trouble removing the “life energy” of the clowns and releasing it in front of kids.
I am only available part-time and for a phone interview due to a government committment. My recent work experience is not very exciting, mostly doing laundry and making license plates. I am looking for a better opportunity that does not require opening attachments or other sharp objects.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Böse glücklicher Mensch
Me! PB! Digi! Punchity Punch Punch! We are the brave, the few, the weekend and holiday snarkers!
Good Morning, Equal Opportunity Employers!