YSaC, Vol. 1034: Mavis wept ...

2011 July 14

EXcelent seckatary sckills


Hi,

I hav]e excelent seckatartial skils for a small to meduim compamy. I can type] up two 80 words per minit.

please give me a chanc, u wont' bee dissappointedd. $8/hr, availabl:e anytyem..

Mary

 

This has to be a joke. I'm just going to tell myself that over and over again. That's the only way I can live with this existing in the world.

So let's see here: there's 36 words total in the ad. If she can type 80 words per minute, it should only have taken her 27 seconds to type this ad. At the rate of $8 per hour, that means she's entitled to $.06.

But wait ... of the 36 words, 19 of them are incorrect. That's a 52.7% ... which means that she should get $.031 for her efforts.

Nah, it's not even worth that.

Thanks, Cecilia!

93 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 July 14

    He's actually called 'Marty', and he's badly let down by his sharthond skilz...

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 14

      but he has excellent seckatartial skils which I think means he makes a great tart

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 July 14
        Lola permalink

        Well if they were suckatartial skills, s/he'd be a shoo-in for yesterday's post's position.

        Adores: 6
  2. 2011 July 14

    Thi means I'm elibable for a tpying job! taco too

    (I'm leaving that how it is. That's how bad I type before I correct myself)

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 July 14

      All those kittens running across keyboards are actually preparing for careers in case the "sit on couch, be petted, and get treats" market melts down.

      Adores: 15
      • 2011 July 14
        Lara permalink

        My cat will be thrilled to hear this. She is a master of running across keyboards and actually fatally crashed one of my laptops.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 14
          funky monkey permalink

          My old Lucy cat likes to chew on the edge of my laptop screen. It has teeth marks all over it.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14

          My big fluffy cat Fearless likes to lick my laptop - the keys, the screen, the back, pretty much all of it. She hasn't started biting it yet though.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 14
          Windrose permalink

          http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=3947

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 14
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Sinfest is one of my 2 read-every-day webcomics. :D

          Adores: 2
  3. 2011 July 14
    n3mrac permalink

    at least she got her name right (I hope).

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 14
      LimeLolly permalink

      Except her name is Elizabeth Marilyn Susanna Roseanna Danielle Huffing-Smith.

      Related OT: Somebody in this United States, actually named their child 'Sweetheart'. I swear...I saw the account. It makes me wonder what nickname they had.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 July 14

        "This is my daughter*, Sweetheart, but everyone calls her Steve."

        *I really hope Sweetheart is a girl, it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment to call a boy that.

        Adores: 10
        • 2011 July 14
          C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

          Of course it's a girl! Her brother's name is Sue.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 July 14

          The nastiest dog I ever knew was "Tinkerbell." It was a male Pomeranian.

          Lyle probably remembers Tinkerbell; as nasty as the dog was... you really just couldn't bring yourself to be anything but understanding of his rage... especially after having met the owner.

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 July 14

        But it's pronounced "Throat-Warbler Mangrove."

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 14

          In my early teens I babby-sat for a couple that named their daughter "Sunshine".
          Very impressive "Uriah Heep" album collection.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14

          One of my regular customers at work is named Princess.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 July 14
        Lou Stool permalink

        I knew this was gunna turn into a weird name thread. Here's mine. I've actually met these people so it's legit. Nancy Anne Cianci (pronounced see-ANN-see) The other is Wayne Douop (pronounced Dwop). Say their full names out loud and you'll get it.

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 July 14

          :snerk:

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14

          In high school there was a girl named Abcde. It was pronounced Ab-see-dee. *sigh*

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I know both a "Howard Ward" and and "Edward Ward." Not related.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14
          Lola permalink

          Knew a Ron Braun AND a Dusty Rhodes. *grimace*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14
          Jen permalink

          Mama went to school with an Eileen Dover, and my Family Law prof used to tell us, as 'light relief' when we had horrid case law to go over, awful names of kids from Court files - twins named Benson and Hedges, and Fish and Chips really stood out. And then there was the couple who wanted to call their spawn "4 real" (yes, alphanumeric). Their reason? "Aw, 'cos when we saw it on the ultrasound, we were like, oh chur, it's 4 real!"

          Also at school, our nurse was Mrs Dagger and the head of psychology was Dr Basher.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 14
        Citywolf permalink

        There are a pair of siblings out where I used to live named Blue Denim (or Denim Blue, I forget which) and Blazin Trail. Goodness only knows how the names are actually spelled.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 17
          SalmonPinko permalink

          I went to school with a guy named Brady Bunch. No joke.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 14
      mud "" slicker permalink

      I doubt she got her name right. I think it's merely a confirmation of what she's been smoking.

      Adores: 1
  4. 2011 July 14

    :reads ad:

    : curls into fetal position, sobbing:

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 July 14

      Oh I hope this person writes fan fiction!

      *Crosses fingers*

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 July 14

        The use of a bracket as a letter makes me think this might be the author of the fic I've been riffing. She's done that several times. But this wasn't written in ALL CAPS with no punctuation so it probably isn't her.

        Adores: 3
  5. 2011 July 14
    C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

    The cows, fired from their job making commercials and painting billboards for Chik-Fil-A, decided to post an ad on Craigslist.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 July 14
      Lara permalink

      Cows to the Rescue! Obviously Mary mentioned out loud she needed a job so the cows came to the rescue and wrote a Craigslist ad.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 14

        Cows with guns.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Bad cow pun.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14

          Cow dung flung.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Cow well-hung.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14
          Space"Got Milk?"Bug permalink

          Cow Tse Tongue

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 14
          funky monkey permalink

          Cow got stung

          Pig gave tongue

          They got on their knees

          To Mao Tse Tung

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 14
          Wind "?" rose permalink

          The Seven Samoorai.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 July 14
      Lou Stool permalink

      TPYE ALL TEH THIGS!

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 July 14
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        No thigs for me, I prefer white meat.

        Oh, wait. I'm a vegetarian. Nevermind.

        Adores: 2
  6. 2011 July 14
    Lara permalink

    I would like to point out that this ad throws us all the way back to the origins of the rooster on a typewriter. This is clearly that rooster.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 July 14

      The rooster has upgraded to a word processor, constantly hitting the carriage return lever was wearing out his wings.

      Adores: 4
  7. 2011 July 14

    Sparkette needs to refill the Spellcheck Juice container on her Pentium.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 July 14

      I thought you had to feed it with these big shiny cookies with the holes in the middle.

      Adores: 7
  8. 2011 July 14
    funky monkey permalink

    "I hav]e excelent seckatartial skils for a small to meduim compamy"

    That explains it. Her skills are excellent considering the company is small and doesn't expect much. Just like I have a beautiful face in the world of monkeys and chimps. Put me next to Kim Kardashian, not so much.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 July 15

      people notice Kim Kardashian's face? I thought they were more focused elsewhere

      Adores: 3
  9. 2011 July 14
    Innana permalink

    Even archy the cockroach did better than this

    Adores: 2
  10. 2011 July 14
    funky monkey permalink

    Okay, I'm convinced, no one is that bad of a speller, if they are competent enough to turn on a damned computer and log on to the intertubes, they can spell better than this.

    This is Taco f'ing with Craigslist. I'm positive.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 July 14

      I would never!

      Well... ok yes I would.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 July 14

        Another proud graduate of the TacoMagic School of Mug Typing perhaps?

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 14

          cflksadsdserds dsytsart aguinb oin sauhguidsyt21

          (Classes start again in August!)

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          "aguinb" is spelled incorrectly then.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 14

          Sometimes the mug doesn't always depress a letter when I go for it; it'll get half depressed and I'll have moved on before I realize that the mug didn't go down all the way to register a keystroke. It's mostly balancing making good presses with the mug and not wanting to damage the keyboard by being too vigorous with the mug.

          It's part of the lesson plan:

          Lesson 49: If you miss a letter with the mug and hit the shift key or caps lock instead, keep going! Partial depresses of the keys that don't register are still counted as proper form. NEVER LOOK BACK!

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          You know, there are medications out there for mug depression....

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 14

          I put coffee in my mugs. Perks them right up.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I put coffee in my jugs. Perks them right up.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 14

          Also: With as suggestive as that post was, I'm surprised you went with "Mug Depression" rather than "Mug going down on the keyboard and being too vigorous."

          Hey look, the corner!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Oh, I avoided the innuendo in honor of Bastille day.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14
          Lola permalink

          Considering that the Marquis de Sade was supposed to have been in the Bastille, I think it and its day have plenty of innuendo AND explicitness to go around, thank you very much.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Marquis de Sade? Is he a performer in Cirque du Soleil?

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 14
      penguin permalink

      Wanna bet?

      The world is doomed. Doomed I tell ya.

      hmmmm...this was supposed to be a reply to FM's remark about no one is that bad a speller.

      Adores: 1
  11. 2011 July 14
    CapnMac permalink

    Hmm, Sparkie-Marie . . .

    hav]e excelent seckatartial
    reads like some sort of over-voweled Molravian somehow.

    a small to meduim compamy.
    Differently-sized seer corporations?

    I can type] up two 80 words per minit.
    Well, we can see which two words.
    And, minutes are ever so small.
    (Do have to wonder if two-eighty is some subset of four-twenty, though.)

    please give me a chanc
    Sorry, I'm out; I've extra rabid sloth, though.

    u wont’ bee dissappointedd.
    Not so nearly as you will probably be, what with the Man puttin' ya' down, dissen y'r mad skilz an' all.
    I'm certain the apiary universe will survive somehow.

    $8/hr, availabl:e anytyem..
    Ah, see, all is now clear--Marie-Sparkie will pay us to be an escort, and the lack of the "Professional Services" section has stymied her.

    Adores: 8
  12. 2011 July 14
    Windrose permalink

    While Mary doesn't seem to have the seckatartial skills we are looking for, I think there is a babby sitting job for a nice young east coast couple we can send her to.

    Adores: 5
  13. 2011 July 14
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Funny, when I saw this all I read was:

    PAY ME MONEY TO SCREW UP YOUR OFFICE

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 July 14
      funky monkey permalink

      Yes, I hope this lady is very very very attractive. Or is very good at something besides clerical work.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 14
        Meej permalink

        Babysitting, maybe?

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 14
          funky monkey permalink

          Peep!!

          Adores: 0
  14. 2011 July 14
    mud "" slicker permalink

    Mavis wept …

    Brilliant!

    p.s.:

    Fleas.
    Saddam had 'em.

    Adores: 1
  15. 2011 July 14
    CraigsLister permalink

    You YSaC'ers think you're soooo damned smart, but us sparkies can be smart to if we try reel reel hard.
    I even recomposed a little ditty about ya.
    I hope this earworm crawls around in you're head chawing on you're brain fer days.
    We may not be the shinyest turds in the barn, but we got feelins' 2.
    Sinsearly,
    Sparky "Not.a.SpaceBug" McSlow

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE


    You, with your words like knives, vocabulary that you use against me.
    You are pissing on my ad again 'bout my grammar and my commas.
    You, with your intellectual comments, calling me Sparky when I've posted.
    You, pickin' on apostrophes.

    Well, you can put me down with just one twisted word.
    'Cause I don't know what you all know.

    Someday I'll be getting my Gee E Dee'ee.
    And all y'all always gonna be so keen.
    Someday I'll be smart enough so you can't snark me.
    And all y'all still gonna be so keen.

    How'd ya get to be so keen?

    You, with your logical mind and your lexicon and your bright observations.
    You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I graduated sixth grade.
    I'll just bedazzle shit, try to post a pic 'cause I really need OBO's.
    I just wanna post an ad again.

    I'll bet you worked real hard, somebody taught you good.
    But my sucking ads won't stop 'cause I by no means learn new things.
    And I don't know what you all know.

    Someday I'll be getting my Gee E Dee'ee.
    And all y'all always gonna be so keen.
    Someday I'll be smart enough so you can't snark me.
    And all y'all still gonna be so keen.

    How'd ya get to be so keen?

    And I can see you pass the flask all around, talking over a cool new meme.
    Criticize my punctuation and you all have sliced coffee.
    Brain bleached and raving about my poor comprehension.
    Smug and raving on about how I can't speel.

    But all y'all are keen.

    All y'all are keen.
    And so witty.
    And cerebral.
    With some awesomesauce.
    And keen,
    and apt,
    With bees,
    and bees.

    But Someday I'll be getting my Gee E Dee'ee.
    And all y'all always gonna be so keen, yeah.
    Someday I'll be smart enough so you can't snark me.
    And all y'all still gonna be so keen.

    Why you gotta be so keen?

    Someday I'll be getting my Gee E Dee'ee.
    (How'd ya get to be so keen?)
    And all y'all always gonna be so keen.
    (Watch this, canya hold my beer?)
    Someday I'll be smart enough so you can't snark me.
    (How'd ya get to be so keen?)
    And all y'all still gonna be so keen.

    How I yearn to be so keen.

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 July 14
      Lola permalink

      My initial thought upon discovering this was that it C*nd*rM*n (won't say name, just in case it summons) but upon reading it, I'm inclined to believe otherwise. Self-deprication is not one of his attributes.

      Also, might this need [matt][/matt] tags? Discuss.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 14
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Oh, you have to say C*nd*rM*n THREE times to summon him.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 July 14
        LimeLolly permalink

        At least it was written in English and not text-speak. Bravo.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14
          mud "" slicker permalink

          +1 Adores for lyrics

          -1 Adores for Taylor Swift

          So, is CraigsLister = Spacebug? Taco?

          [literal]?

          Nice post. Want more CLer! ;)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 14

          Gotta be Spacebug, because it wasn't me.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 14
          C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

          Taco, Taco....sigh....it couldn't have been SpaceBug...didn't you see, it clearly said "Not.A.SpaceBug".

          Perhaps, it was He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named...you know, that Voldy-guy, from that movie and those books about that thing....yeah, him.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 14

          If I lived in the Potterverse, after anyone mentioned He Who Must Not Be Named, I would look at them and ask, "Who, Craig?"

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 14
          Lola permalink

          Kelli, my version of that is "Jeff." It used to be "Eric."

          Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 14
      funky monkey permalink

      "with bees,
      and bees"

      Me rikey.

      Adores: 0
  16. 2011 July 14

    Mery;

    Aye knead a gud secatrary, but $8 en hour is 2 mulch. Kin I pae u $5 a helf hower insted? Other benefets inclued all teh vintage cereal end dumpster chessy pufs u ken ete.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 July 14
      Lola permalink

      This is not so much incorrect (per the original Sparky) as Chaucerian-leaning [says the English major].

      Adores: 7
    • 2011 July 14

      Mery;

      Doughn't listn two killy, yo kan wurk for[ me! I can t' pae u, butt u ]can put you're werk in you potforlio an i want car!

      Toca

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 July 14
        C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

        O.M.G. Lolspeak invades YSaC.

        Make it stop!

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 14

          Wat3vr du )u meen, SeeJay?

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 14

        :gets out Super Soaker:

        I'm not afraid to use the Handheld Feline Correction Device if this continues.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 July 14
          C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

          *fires up unlicensed nuclear device in backpack*

          Don't cross the streams!

          Adores: 4
  17. 2011 July 14

    [OT]
    I discovered Sleep Talkin' Man yesterday and have been laughing my "bollox" off. If you haven't been there it's worth a visit.

    Disclaimer: Sleep talkin' man is extremely foul mouthed; so if you take offense at such things, it's best avoided.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 July 14
      C "All Your Sunshine Are Belong To Us" J permalink

      Not offended, just don't find foul-mouthedness funny. It's like 'Regretsy'...April is one foul-mouthed chick and her minions are really, really, really angry - apologies to anyone here in love with the site. I read it a couple of times and got bored.

      'Course my Daddy once told me "Girl, you wouldn't say shit if your mouth was full of it." To which I replied, "Of course not, Daddy, I'd be too busy puking."

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 July 14

        In general I do find the off-the-wall quotes on the site better than the ones where he's abusing whatever dream person his subconscious has created to focus such abuse upon.

        Ones like oh... Farm Roller Disco Announcer.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          Pretty funny... I've wasted half the day and only got to April 2011.

          Adores: 1
  18. 2011 July 14
    Ralph permalink

    What's the big deal? Anyone with fingers can type 80 words per minute, as long as you're not particular about mixing languages. Gmrelkf opikfgm hg lkdsm ertyui!

    Adores: 3
  19. 2011 July 14
    Windrose permalink

    *knocks on side of box* Hey, IF! Did you get that swing set installed yet?

    Adores: 2
  20. 2011 July 15
    Windrose permalink

    Punchity Punch Punch IF!

    G'Night, Beacon Hill!

    Adores: 3

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