You Suck at Craigslist

Well, the economy is still limping along, so it’s once again time for us to help out* by providing you with some exciting** job opportunities.

*Note: not actually helping.
**Note: not actually exciting.

Protection Officer

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DUTIES:
– Acting to loud noise problems, strikes
– Overlooking and reporting on any transport infractions
– Show excellent English communicating abilities, both written and spoken
– Responding to client and employee issue effectively
– Continuously patrolling all constructed property areas
– Be an energetic part of the company

QUALIFICATIONS:
– Should have superb English communicating skills, both written and oral
– Must be able to work third shifts
– Must be responsible, flexible and dependable

How are you at acting to loud noises? Myself, I have trouble performing for an audience of loud noises. I prefer to convey the deep truth behind my character’s tortured inner life to an audience full of the color green.

If this sounds like a bit too much work for an aspiring security guard such as yourself, how about this?

IN NEED OF BODY GUARD ASAP

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NEED A BODY GUARD TO WORK AT MY HOME IN THE LATE EVENINGS SO THAT I CAN GET SOME SLEEP! SERIOUS INQUIRES ONLY PLEASE!!

Compensation: $5 AN HOUR FOR NOTHING REALLY JUST TO HANG OUT SO I FEEL SAFE

It doesn’t pay very well, but you have to do nothing. Really.

I wonder if you can at least raid the fridge? You can, I suppose, at least spend time studying for the bar exam, which will qualify you for this amazing opportunity:

Lawyer needed

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In need of a lawyer for conciliation court for today Aug 13 at from 1230 til 230! Will compensate $25 an hour! Please give us a call ###-####

Compensation: $25 an hour for 4 hours

You know, I once had to pay a laywer $25 for talking to me on the phone for less than five minutes. This might be a TAD under the market rate.

Thanks, Jason, Elizabeth, and sd!

Creed (band) Bedhead Dirty Pretty Things Erase Errata Lou Barlow – 23

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Manchester Orchestra The Spoons The Music Ned’s Atomic Dustbin Liz Phair Sugarcult Kaiser Chiefs The Hollow Men KT Tunstall Hypnolovewheel Secondhand Serenade Pato Fu The Trews Pupil Remy Zero The Verve Pipe Amp The Vaccines Ida Maria Simple Minds Apparatjik Jack’s Mannequin Rise Against The Innocence Mission Nada Surf McLusky

This is the most amazing supergroup ever. Forget the Travelling Wilburys. Forget Broken Social Scene. Forget Asia. I want to go see THESE guys.

I LOVE their hit album, “Simple Math Talkback Welcome to the North God Fodder Exile in Guyville Palm Trees and Power Lines Off With Their Heads The Man Who Would Be King Eye to the Telescope Space Mountain Hear Me Now Televisão de Cachorro No Time For Later Beautiful Madness Villa Elaine Pop Smear Green Sky Blue Tree Come of Age Fortress Round My Heart Sparkle in the Rain We Are Here The Glass Passenger Revolutions per Minute Belief Children Proximity Effect Do Dallas.”

Pity their second album after they sold out was terrible.

Thanks for the link, Mike. (Oh, and just in case you were wondering, this was posted in ‘w4m’)

All your worldly goods!

House Plans for you to build a Development – $699

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I have five models ready to go , from Traditional to Modern to Green!
I can modify the drawings to fit your site and needs.
Bill ### ### #### [leave message too]

This is, of course, how Donald Trump got started.  He was just another John Q. Lunchpail, but then he bought a set of house plans off of Craigslist. And by “plans” I mean “random images almost certainly stolen from the internet.”  Never mind that Craigslist didn’t exist yet… that’s just how entrepreneurial he was.  Now you too can build a real estate empire around blurry images of concept homes.  Bill will even modify the drawings for you.  In MS Paint if you’re lucky, but probably just with crayons.  Or possibly just by chewing on them.

Thanks for the post, Stephanie!

vintage projectile 50×50 tv – $75

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i have a floor model wooden back tv .its 50×50 and its a projectile tv ,if interested i can text pics

Physics GRE Question #34:

A television set is 50 x 50. It is used as a projectile in a trebuchet. If it is launched at an angle of 25 degrees relative to the horizontal at a velocity of 15 meters per second,

a. How far does it travel?
b. What is the maximum height it achieves?

Bonus questions:
a. What units would be most appropriate for the “50”s, given that this television is apparently two dimensional?
b. Assuming the television is actually cubical, calculate the moment of inertia tensor about one corner of the set.
c. Assume a spherical television set centered at the origin. What color is the white bear?

Thanks for the post, Ralph!

CANINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION REVERSAL

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IT’s NO JOKE

Breeders lose $100,000,00 EVERY YEAR to homosexual chattel.
More proof that homosexuality is JUST PLAIN WRONG.

But you (WE!) can make a difference. Come join our winning team and REVOLUTIONIZE your customers’ profits by bending Rover’s gender bak to HEROSEXUAL.
Back into God’s Graces and $$$ Back in our client’s pockets. like God intended.

Now training is mostly humane.

[name], Owner, Free Thinker, Christian

Dear Owner, Free Thinker, and Christian;

I am interested in learning more about your mostly humane treatment to turn Rover into a Herosexual. I have often looked at Rover and thought to myself: Self, I wish Rover was more of a hero. I wish he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. I wish he could shoot a web out of his wrists. I wish he could impregnate hundreds of Roverettes just by winking at them, like David Cassidy or Donald Trump.

Yes, that’s right. I’m holding out for a Herosexual. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the vet’s office.

Thanks, Lindsay.

*Note: The ad mentioned a specific veterinary hospital. Despite the “IT’s NO JOKE” in the text of the ad, I *have* to believe it is, in fact, a joke, in order for me to continue living in this world.