You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. CXCIX

Written by

drmk

in

Having a hard time in the grocery store – 36

I have alot of grocery shopping to do and the last time I went there I felt uncomfortable pushing the cart around because women are supposed to push the grocery cart. So being a bachelor I’m trying to stack everything in my arms and it isn’t working very well and I’m dropping things and grunting through the store hauling way too many groceries by hand. It was awful and I had to come back two days later and dop it all over again. (I’m a big fellow who eats alot of food.)

I’m looking for an attractive lady to push my cart in the grocery store while I shop. You must be attractive because people will think you are my wife or girlfriend if you are pushing my grocery cart. And while I do enjoy being a bachelor and dating freely, if you are really good at pushing my cart I’d be glad to keep you around for a while and possibly even sleep with you or take you out for burgers. So please no one older than 25 and no larger women.

As compensation for your time I might buy you a few loaves of bread or something from your grocery list.

Please reply with a pic so I can see if you are good looking enough to play the part of wifey while I shop. Also I’m white so unless maybe you are some kind of Asian it wouldn’t look right for you to be pushing my cart around for me. People would talk if I was with a darker girl. Also I usually date women with a bigger bust so unless you have a really pretty face and a really petite figure you should probably have a decent bust size. And no kids please, I wouldn’t want anyone thinking they were mine. Plus I just don’t date women with kids for obvious reasons.

So many offensive assumptions and stereotypes, so few brains.

I’m almost tempted to respond to this and offer to be his cart lackey just so I can “accidentally” clip his ankles with it as I dutifully follow closely behind. Besides, I might get a loaf of bread, a burger, and/or some crappy sex out of it.

That’s it. I’ve threatened to do it before, but I have to now. I’m adding an “asshat” tag.

Sent in by Catherine — thanks!

Comments

31 responses to “YSaC, Vol. CXCIX”

  1. little corporate Katie Avatar
    little corporate Katie

    seriously…..why do guys think this is ok? and I think that the asshat tag is TOTALLY appropriate!

  2. Jane Avatar
    Jane

    I’m tempted to respond with a bait picture and the requirement that he pony up a recent photo (“Preferably in the gym, so I know you can press enough that I won’t have to risk my nails by putting groceries in the car”) and a copy of his pay stub (“Because I’m hot and I’m not going to waste my time”).

  3. Ashley Avatar
    Ashley

    I bet this guy is a real winner. Any woman should love to trail behind him dutifully with the shopping cart, no doubt full of potato chips, frozen pizzas, microwavable dinners, and Miller High Life.
    I can’t imagine why he’s a bachelor.

  4. Sam Avatar
    Sam

    A part of me really wants this to be a fake post put up as a joke.

    Unfortunately I know too many asshats that think like this that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that there is someone out there this…..pigheaded.

  5. anglophile Avatar
    anglophile

    I wonder what other areas of life he’s haveing a hard time in?

  6. Sara Avatar
    Sara

    What? No. It can’t be real. Can it? I refuse to believe that this person is serious. Tra la la I can’t hear you…

  7. fancypants Avatar
    fancypants

    please submit this to Why Women Hate Men. please please please!

    http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com

  8. Jimmy Avatar
    Jimmy

    Jane, you have got to do that! And then share what you get. I want to believe and not to believe so much!

  9. Hannah Avatar
    Hannah

    No wonder this pathetic, sexist, racist, shallow(which is funny considering he probably resembles a wart hog) dumbass is single. lol.

  10. Courtney Avatar
    Courtney

    I can’t even wrap my head around this one. I think the part that bothers me the most is that he’s not even offering money. Screw the rest of it. If someone is going to demean themselves to make sure they fit his bill just to push around a grocery cart for what really amounts to nothing (though bread can get pricey) is just insane. That would mean that someone would either have to a) want to push the grocery cart around for no good reason or b) feel sorry for him enough to sacrifice their time. What bothers me even more is that there’s at least one woman out there who responded to this ad sincerely. Some poor, low-self-esteemed woman who thinks that this grocery cart gig will turn into a relationship and that she’ll get herself a husband out of it. Humanity really is doomed.

  11. Courtney Avatar
    Courtney

    Wait a minute! Don’t most metro areas have grocery stores that deliver now? Even small towns have grocery delivery – for less than the cost of a few loaves of bread. This guy is either dumber that toast or he dated someone who works at the grocery store, was dumped, and now needs someone to appear to be his girlfriend to make the other girl jealous. That has to be it.

  12. stringyhair Avatar
    stringyhair

    I would love to believe he is in it for the humor but he can’t even spell “a lot” so I doubt he’s bright enough to have a sense of humor. Sigh… he could have been perfect.

  13. zombieBlanco Avatar
    zombieBlanco

    Walk around the grocery store? Sleep with me and maybe take me for burgers? Why do I get the feeling I’m looking at ex-husband number three?

  14. TastyPrawn Avatar
    TastyPrawn

    The line “Also I’m white so unless maybe you are some kind of Asian it wouldn’t look right for you to be pushing my cart around for me” cracks me up. It’s the phrase “some kind of Asian” that does it for me.

    But this guy is a real pig.

  15. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    I can’t believe this guy is still single!

  16. PrincessLuceval Avatar
    PrincessLuceval

    I’m surprised his Mommy isn’t doing this for him anymore. What did she do, die?

  17. Yick Avatar
    Yick

    I’m thinking asshead is more appropriate. I’ve certainly heard farts that made more sense.

  18. Martha Avatar
    Martha

    Where to start. The tags are all perfect, and there could be a few more started for this assclown.

  19. Katy Avatar
    Katy

    Five bucks says he’s ‘larger’ and I don’t mean below the belt. This sounds like the same kind of guy that goes to the bar with his shirt half open thinking that women everwhere will swoon over his excess body hair and can’t understand why the hotties aren’t lining up for a turn in his bed. That’s the only reason I could think that this was serious instead of a joke- because I’ve seen guys like this before.

  20. Ed Avatar
    Ed

    I think it’s a fake post :/

  21. Elle Avatar
    Elle

    I’m with Ed– the racism and sexism feels just a little too over-the-top to be real. But then again… humanity does continue to defy my expectations with the levels of assholery it manages to muster.

  22. McBomb Avatar
    McBomb

    I’m calling fake on that. It’s just someone trying to bait people into getting pissed off.

  23. Ed Avatar
    Ed

    There’s that episode of Family Guy where Peter writes ‘Peterotica’ and a guy is listening to the audio tape (narrated by Betty White… mm) titled “The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish”

  24. Marysienka Avatar
    Marysienka

    A GEM.

  25. Rebecca_J Avatar
    Rebecca_J

    How does this person manage to put on their shirt every day without accidentally strangling themselves?

  26. Alexis Avatar
    Alexis

    Why is it always the less-than-stellar catches that are super picky? “I have no job and am a fat slob but you have to be SUPER HOT to come anywhere near me” is what it amounts too. Ugh.

  27. parsnivelous Avatar
    parsnivelous

    anyone that thinks this is real is mistaken. i suspect the OP was looking for some “best of” notoriety.

  28. bob Avatar
    bob

    This isn’t real. Nobody is that stupid. Anyone that stupid would have made more spelling/grammar/punctuation or sentence structure errors. Additionally, someone that is stupid to post this for real, probably doesn’t have the ability to navigate to craigslist and find the appropriate section.

  29. Jami(no "e") Avatar
    Jami(no “e”)

    This could be real. I dated a guy for a whiile and everytime he ever needed something from the store he had me come with just to push the cart, and of course walk behind him atleat 5 ft. I also couldn’t talk to him while shopping.

    (Some) men can be pigs.

  30. Jami(no "e") Avatar
    Jami(no “e”)

    Oops, that should be “awhile.”

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