YSaC, Vol. 408: Kurzsichtiger Epileptikerdachs, in case you were wondering.

2009 August 29

Custom Pink Coffee Table – $5

Customized coffee table with lower rack and wheels.


You know, there just isn’t a good way to describe this coffee table. “Customized” isn’t quite the right word, is it?

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure English HAS the right word to describe this coffee table, since there isn’t a word that means “appears to have been spraypainted by a nearsighted epileptic badger with an anger management problem”. I’m sure German has a word for that, though.

Thanks to “The Shanimal” for the submission!

59 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 29

    This table is perfect if you don’t have kids and want to make it look like you do.

    Adores: 18
  2. 2009 August 29

    You don’t suck at captioning! Good thing I finished my coffee before reading “appears to have been spraypainted by a nearsighted epileptic badger with an anger management problem.”

    Oh, and $5? Is that what they’re paying me to take this monstrosity off their hands?

    Adores: 14
  3. 2009 August 29
    Wendy permalink

    Bah, just stick a few sequins on it, throw a glass top over the whole thing, and call it modern art.

    Adores: 7
  4. 2009 August 29
    Cina permalink

    My favorite part is the “lower rack” that appears to just be a piece of wood (that happens to “match” – minus the custom pink paint job) and is held on by some sort of large rubber bands.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 August 29

      Rubbers bands? I was thinking it was some kind of metal strapping. I guess I’m giving them too much credit…

      Adores: 2
  5. 2009 August 29
    JAMen permalink

    The lower rack looks like it tagged along with the table to a flamboyant S&M party.

    Adores: 23
  6. 2009 August 29
    Sherri permalink

    I’m thinking that’s really just well done duct taping. DIY home decorating gone very, very, very wrong.

    I don’t think “badger”. I think “vicious three year old with a spray can” which in some cases is indistinguishable from said badger, only with slobbery Cheerios crumbs.

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 August 29

      I was one of 5 kids[*]…yeah, I was thinking “3 year old” too.

      [*]There’s a reason I don’t have any of those.

      Adores: 4
    • 2009 August 31
      Igor The Vigorous permalink

      -Mumbles out of box of Cheerios and bath full of slobber-
      Hey! Leave my kind alone! 🙂

      Adores: 4
  7. 2009 August 29
    Ecbnt permalink

    Hmmm? In most circles people would refer to the “lower rack” as a shelf. Just sayin’. However, they could probably up the price a little if they claimed they could see the Virgin Mary on the table as was the case in that marble monstrosity earlier this week.

    Adores: 7
  8. 2009 August 29
    Jane permalink

    More like “betrunken surgikalkatastrophe,” if you ask me.

    Adores: 2
  9. 2009 August 29
    Cled permalink

    “…with lower rack and wheels”.

    Now if that isn’t convenient, I don’t know what is. How many times have you said to yourself, “Self, I sure wish I had a rack on wheels so I could get some answers around here! Ease of use, portability. Use it in the livingroom, down in the converted basement/rec room, wheel it out to the garage.

    I’m thinking those black bands are some sort of sophisticated mechanism that enables you to swing the lower part out and up and fix it in place. Then you can just get that no-good kid who wants to date your Precious Princess into position and the black bands do double duty as restraining straps. Hey presto! A little quality time and enhanced interrogation of the neighborhood Romeo.

    What? I just saw Goya’s Ghosts.

    Adores: 7
  10. 2009 August 29
    Monty Python permalink

    Why did they take the pictures outdoors? It looks like more of an indoor table.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 August 29
      Jami(no "e") permalink

      They must have taken note from all the ads people post for vacuums. Outside is obviously the best place to sell indoor items as you can see the item in its full glory under natural light.

      Adores: 8
  11. 2009 August 29
    Cyrus permalink

    It’s very clear to me that someone’s kids got loose in the house and decided that the coffee table would look better pink. The parents got angry, decided to send them to their rooms but in the end thought…”You know what, I hate that coffee table anyways. Let’s put it on Craigslist and get a few bucks!”

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 August 31
      Unpossible permalink

      I was going to suggest an angry ex…

      Adores: 1
  12. 2009 August 29
    My Evil Twin permalink

    I think the pink spraypaint covers up the blood quite nicely.

    Adores: 24
  13. 2009 August 29
    Caro permalink

    Why do I suspect this piece was originally a door salvaged from the Pepto-Bismol factory explosion?

    Adores: 14
  14. 2009 August 29
    dogface permalink

    I think “janky” is a good word to describe this.

    Adores: 7
  15. 2009 August 29

    Is Schadenfreude the word here? I’m happy at the misfortune of whomever ends up buying that catastrophe.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2009 August 29
    ??? permalink

    Whatever the straps are (I was guessing electrical tape) they obviously predate the “customization,” since the pink runs right over them. It’s a style known as “I really pissed off my roomate.”

    Adores: 8
  17. 2009 August 29

    I guess I like how the title makes you think the whole thing is pink, when it really isn’t…and then I found 5 dollars.

    Adores: 2
  18. 2009 August 29

    I apologize on behalf of all crafters. We’re not all this incompetent.

    Adores: 7
  19. 2009 August 29
    anon permalink

    Didn’t the Germans contribute the word ‘vandal’, though?

    Adores: 2
  20. 2009 August 30
    Wombatish permalink

    It kind of looks like it was done in MS Paint after the fact, lol.

    Maybe they had some random pictures of their coffee table in the driveway and needed to “update” them to reflect the night Cousin Bob went a little wacky with the spray can mama use to touch up the Caddy.

    Adores: 3
  21. 2009 August 30
    brashieel permalink

    This seems more like something you just stick out in front of your house and hope someone takes. Possibly then creating a Craigslist ad to tell people where it is if they want it.

    Seriously, what is that thing? A door with a board strapped underneath it? And then attacked with spray paint? An attempt at creating furniture from whatever random items were in an old tool shed?

    Adores: 2
  22. 2009 August 30

    badger badger badger badger….spraypaint, spraypaint….badger badger badger badger….ohh seizure, seizure, spraypaint….badger badger badger badger badger….

    and for anybody who has failed to keep up to date with internet memes, as is so often the case with myself, I offer this adorable, addicting website to explain my comment and possibly add humor to it: http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 August 30
      tigprincess permalink

      What an amazing website! I’ll be singing “badger, badger, badger …” in the shower now!
      As for the door / table / wreck the plan is for us to buy it, take it to the Tate Modern and exhibit it for £1m … it must be a post-modern ironic remodelling statement … surely … not just a piece of old tat ?

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 30

      oh, that’s a tail on the dancing badgers. Thank God.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2009 August 30
    Mrphysic permalink

    ‘…hahaha this is nearly as screwed up as that time that I took our vandalised door off it’s hinges – removed the handle, added some wheels, and then sold the f***er on Craiglist for $5….’

    Adores: 2
  24. 2009 August 30

    I thought you had to pay people more than $5 to haul away your old crap?


    Adores: 0
  25. 2009 August 30

    well, i am german and i honestly have no word on hand that doesn’t exist in english, it’s just a (hideously pointless) piece of junk to me, but i’m not really an imaginary person.
    anyway, with or without the “lower rack” AND the graffiti AND the wheels, that table is just so dull looking it could kill a hyperactive child on speed and double espresso with its dullness.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 August 31
      Jen permalink

      Are you _sure_ you’re not imaginary? I thought that about Bob too, but turns out he was a ‘side effect’.

      Adores: 4
  26. 2009 August 31
    Abbey permalink

    Not pictured: “Customized” Lexus; $500.

    Adores: 2
  27. 2009 August 31
    SoundsLikeVla permalink

    This is obviously outside because if it were still in the living room we could see the tagging on the couch, carpet, and drapes. I used to watch the child who customized this table in my daycare. I have a matching television set and pack n’ play if anyone is interested. However, mine are blue, so they’d be better for a boy’s room.

    Adores: 5
  28. 2009 August 31
    queensbee permalink

    does this family mayhap have a fireplace?

    Adores: 2
  29. 2009 August 31
    Lola permalink

    You know, most people (women, usually) who have a lower rack don’t advertise for someone to take it away, they go out and get a bra.

    Adores: 12
  30. 2009 August 31
    Cathy D permalink

    I’d love to know whether or not they have the rest of the matching lounge suite. It looks like my luck might be good as I can see some other driveway furniture in the background of these photos. Woohoo!

    Adores: 0
  31. 2009 August 31
    Lon permalink

    “Customized” isn’t quite the word… I have it! Vandalized!

    Adores: 0
  32. 2009 September 3

    Pimp my table!

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 September 6
      massromantic permalink

      Yo dawg,
      I hear you like things customized, so I put junky spraypaint on your junky table so you can vomit while you vomit.

      Adores: 5
  33. 2009 September 3
    Addicted Reader permalink

    Honestly, it’s the asymmetry of the “lower rack” that bothers me most. I could probably live w/ the “customization” if forced to, but the asymmetry would drive me nuts w/in a week. 2 days if I’m spending much time in the same room as it.

    Adores: 0
  34. 2009 September 24
    Procrastinator permalink

    Tabula rosa?

    Also, I think it should be “Kurzsichtiger Epileptikerdackel” (shortsighted, epileptic Dachshund)–my mother had one of those and he could have produced the lovely pink pattern, except his paws were too short for a spray can.

    Adores: 2
  35. 2010 July 16
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Nearsighted badger
    Epileptic and angry
    Table is now pink

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 July 16
      mudslicker permalink

      You’re out of control!

      *handing the moose Lola’s flask*

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 July 16
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Haiku is the best
        Not sure how to stop my brain
        *Chugs from flask* Ohh, Ahh.

        Adores: 2
  36. 2012 May 25
    Brer Fox permalink

    All of the badgers I know Hate the color pink. Of course, they hate tables too. I don’t think the badger would have to be epileptic to do this.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 14
      Brer Fox permalink

      I commented on this Redux way too early.

      Adores: 1
  37. 2012 October 14

    You people misunderstand. This is art. It speaks to the existential angst of contemporary bourgeois society, plus man’s inhumanity to guests in the living room. That, and you can use the lower part for the magazines that you’ve bought ironically.

    Adores: 3
  38. 2012 October 14
    wanda permalink

    Who uses pink for graffiti? Bloods? Crips? Juggalos? Almighty Latin King Nation? Barbie-13? (ooh, the stilettos on those bad gals!)

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 October 14

      My money’s on those Bratz girls. They look shifty, like they’d cut you and steal both your boyfriend and your shoes.

      Adores: 2
  39. 2012 October 14
    Over Medicated Vervet permalink

    I didn’t do it. I couldn’t have done it.
    Although the last few days have been a bit fuzzy.

    I guess it could be Old Monkey Vomit.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 14
      Brer Fox permalink

      Well thank you for not suggesting it was an Ordinary Maniacal Vixen.
      That would have been painful if I laughed at that.

      Adores: 1
  40. 2012 October 14

    But it’s a steal at $5! No one can resist that bargain! Let me see how much change is under the sofa cushions.

    Adores: 0
  41. 2012 October 14
    Rabbit Roulette permalink

    I can only guess they ran out of “Barbie puke pink” nail polish before they finished the first coat. The table itself looks salvageable with a little work, so the price isn’t unreasonable. The caster wheels probably cost that much, and the goofy shelf could be re-purposed into a magazine holder to keep the top free of clutter.

    Adores: 1
  42. 2012 October 14
    Brer Fox permalink

    ” “Customized” isn’t quite the right word, is it?”

    Maybe “Hurtyoreyesed” is the right word then?

    Adores: 2
  43. 2012 October 15

    Who’s holding court inside the box on Sunday,
    Smiling at every post that she sees?
    Who’s reaching out to fling you lots of doors?
    Everyone knows it’s Archie!

    Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Interiors by Design!

    Adores: 2

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