YSaC, Vol. 409: In which drmk has writer’s block.

2009 August 30

Sigh. I can’t think of anything today. I can’t seem to put the words together in the right way. If only there was someone to help me!

want to say something to someone in a letter

hi-did you ever want to tell someone how you felt,or let someone know where your coming from??well for 22-dollars cash,you can tell me how you feel,or whats on your mind,,,and ill put it into words,and mail them a letter from you to get your point across,,anything from girlfriends-boyfriends divorce,to just letting a friend know how you feel,,trust me i have helped many by just putting words together and putting a point across,thank you,hope to hear from you,,jim

Hoorah! I’m saved! Jim can help me put my words — and my commas — together! $22 is a small price to pay for having someone understand me so completely. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go divorce my girlfriends-boyfriends. Jim will take over from here.

Thanks for the submission, Tina!

34 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 30
    Monty Python permalink

    Jim doesn’t seem to be “putting words together and putting a point across” very well either…

    Adores: 8
    • 2009 August 30
      flying fish permalink

      what I don’t understand is this: If I am able to explain what I need to say in a letter, in a letter to him. Why do I need him???

      or, if I am NOT able to make my point in a letter, how am I able to explain it to him, in a letter??

      Adores: 20
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        Isn’t this some form of NLP?
        “I don’t know what to do”
        “If you did know what to do, what would you do?”
        “But I don’t!”
        “What is making you think you don’t?”
        “My brain”
        “If you could tell your brain to stop blocking you what would you do?”
        “Strangle you?”

        Adores: 1
  2. 2009 August 30

    I always wonder how people come up with these dollar amounts. $22. Not $20 or $25. $22.
    Maybe he owes someone $22. Or he needs $22 in gas.

    Adores: 23
    • 2009 August 30
      Monty Python permalink

      I think they do it just to bother us.

      Adores: 7
  3. 2009 August 30

    Call me fussy, but if I was going to pay someone $22.00, I would want them at least to have the basic grasp of grammar.

    Perhaps, $22.00 is the basic rate? You get the words on the page for that, $33.00 if you want capitals, $44.00 if you want formatting.

    Adores: 18
    • 2009 August 30
      Windrose permalink

      Imagine how much it would cost if you wanted to use big words! Like juxtaposition and filigree and onomatopoeia. I may have to float a loan for this letter.

      Adores: 13
      • 2009 August 31
        Igor The Vigorous permalink

        Don’t be silly.
        Jim would NEVER write big words, due to his incessant use of three commas in a row. What, exactly, is a jux,,,tap,,,osition? He sounds like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle.
        Two things- A- If I can tell Jim what I want him to write to someone, why am I not growing a pair and writing the letter myself? I feel much more coherent than this guy. B- Why in the hell would you have someone with no basic grasp of grammar write ANY form of communication for you?
        And why doesn’t Jim actually give an example of how good he puts words together and makes sentences?

        Adores: 7
        • 2009 August 31
          Lola permalink

          “And why doesn’t Jim actually give an example of how good he puts words together and makes sentences?”

          Wondered that myself.

          Adores: 3
    • 2009 August 30

      $22 gets you crayon on a napkin.

      Adores: 8
      • 2009 August 30
        dogface permalink

        And of course it wouldn’t be a Crayola crayon. They’d use one of those weird brands like Prang or Roseart.

        Adores: 18
        • 2009 September 25
          Procrastinator permalink

          And the color would be “blech.”

          Adores: 5
  4. 2009 August 30

    At what point in elementary school does one have to say,”Education? Not so much,” and drop out for this guy to look like an online Cyrano De Bergerac ?

    Oh, and I think the basic letter is $20; the double comma feature bumps it up to $22.

    Adores: 36
  5. 2009 August 30
    Sherri permalink

    I’m giving a point for the Cyrano reference.

    Usually this kind of arrogance is reserved for ads in the personals. What, his grandma told him he had a way with words?

    I think the $22 dollars came about because of the same physical tic that created the double commas.

    Adores: 10
  6. 2009 August 30

    I,ll do you, aletter,,, for $21.50,

    Adores: 23
    • 2009 August 30

      Undercutting the competition already?


      Adores: 5
    • 2009 August 30
      Linnee permalink

      Well, since you used that capital I, you’re hired. I need to tell the writer of this ad that I think he’s an asshat, but I just can’t put my point across. Do you accept PayPal, or do you want 21-dollars 50-cents cash money?

      Adores: 19
  7. 2009 August 30

    I have a strange feeling he watched “The Last Word” recently.
    Or not. Maybe he’s just crazy!

    Adores: 0
  8. 2009 August 30

    Why not Cafe Press?

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 August 30
      drmk permalink

      For the t-shirts, you mean? I know people who have had bad experiences with them — poor quality, bad customer service, and so on. It’s an option, but they might have the same hesitation about using the term “Craigslist” as Zazzle did.

      Adores: 2
  9. 2009 August 30
    Mrphysic permalink

    ‘Hi,,dave recently got in contact with me and mentioned that hes got abit of a thing for you at the moment,,,i just helped him through a divorce and now hes using myhelp again because that went so successfully,,,,he says you have a great ass,,,eyes,,breasts,,,so how about it????he also seems to be very generous with hisuse of cash so you could be on to a sweet deal,,,if you want me to give him your reply then tell me what you want to say and ill copy it word for word and then charge you $22 for me to put it in an envelope for you((and to add my own brand of dubious grammar)))my relatives use my service all the time as i am the first in the family with the ability to write,,ilook forward to hearing from you,,jim’

    best $22 I ever spent

    Adores: 17
  10. 2009 August 30

    What Jim wrote for me:

    Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
    Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
    Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
    And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
    Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
    And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
    And every fair from fair sometime declines,
    By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
    But thy eternal summer shall not fade
    Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
    Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
    When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
    So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
    So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

    What I wrote for Jim so I could “say something to someone”:
    I think you’re really hot. Wanna go to coffee sometime?

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 September 1

      dimm’d – untrimm’d – owest – growest: Spellczech pall, spellczech………

      Adores: 4
  11. 2009 August 30
    Alex permalink

    I wonder if this guy actually gets any business? Is there a vast, untapped market writing personal letters for people? Cause I could totally do that.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 31
      Windrose permalink

      Can you beat $21.50? That’s the best rate so far, so you would have to make me a much better deal than that.

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 September 3

      You say that, and yet you leave no link at which this letter-writing service can be accessed. A little shy with our skillz, are we? You never know, I could have $21.50 right here for anyone who knows that the comma is a naturally lonely creature.

      Adores: 2
  12. 2009 August 30

    Just wanted to thank you for giving me something to do other than my job this week. I just discovered this site and spent the better part of the week reading all of your posts. Too funny – keep up the good work!

    Adores: 1
  13. 2009 August 31

    Deer Jim,

    I likes this grl, I sees wen I GO to work some dayz I fink i shud tel her she is purdy++her butt is nice and I wud like to sex her. she has a nice name0 mayb even give her a meal in restrant if thet is wot she likes,, i dnt no if dat is wot girlz like. she makes me feel hot she is sexy i like her hair and her name is amanda i thinks
    you sed tell friend how you feel well she is not my frend but i love her Maybe

    please you her tell and i can pay you

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 August 31
      SoundsLikeVla permalink

      hi-amanda,,theres this guy named ?he likes you,,,alot and he works with you and thinks your butt and name are nice,,if you want hed have sex with you an then take you to a restaurant if it goes well,,you make him hot with your sexy body and he loves you,,so hit me back if you want to go out with him and ill let him know or if my letter makes you hot we can have sex too,thank you,hope to hear from you,jim

      Adores: 14
  14. 2009 August 31

    Clearly jim knows what he’s doing. Look at the ad! There are words and he’s put them together. What more do you people want?

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 September 2
      KatieMB permalink

      He clearly has spent time on FB.

      Adores: 1
  15. 2009 August 31
    pixie721 permalink

    Do you think he’d give me a price break if I ordered more than ten letters? The job market is tough right now, especially for educators, and I need someone to write cover letters to go with my resume. I think hiring Jim to write my letters may give me the edge I need over the competition.

    I’m applying to doctoral programs next year. Perhaps he could write my personal statements for me. I’d be sure to get into college!

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 September 2
      KatieMB permalink

      Just hope Jim doesn’t set the bar too high for you; the college folks might think you’re a genius based on Jim’s letter, then you’d have to live up that… but mebbe Jim would write all your college homework assignments for ya.

      (Do doctoral programs have homework? Beyond that big thesis thing, I mean.)

      Adores: 1

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