YSaC, Vol. 614: Up and Ottom!

2010 March 23

ottom – $20 (location)


[phone number]

This simplicity of this one reminds me a lot of the table. However, unlike with the table, the poor spelling lends itself to all SORTS of terrible puns.

“I’ve never seen that before – I wouldn’t know it from Ottom!”
“It’s filled with dynamite! Run! It’s an Ottom bomb!”
“Welcome to Quahog. I’m the mayor, Ottom West.”
“We really enjoyed visiting the Ojibwe and seeing all their Ottom poles.”
“After the first eleven models failed, we’re very happy with our Otto-M model of inflatable aircraft pilot.”
“You Unto Do Them Have Would You As Others Unto Do – that’s my ottom!”

I’ll stop now.

Your turn!

Thanks for the link, Elizabeth Joan!

172 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 March 23
    George permalink

    That’s my favorite season.

    Adores: 15
  2. 2010 March 23

    Ottom is my favorite time of year! $20 is a bargain for a whole season!!

    (George we tied) 🙂

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 March 23

      And here I was getting ready to get all literary and quote the first lines of Keats’s “Ode to Ottom” (“Season of rests for mellow footfulness,” etc.) … but you guys beat me to the pun(ch).

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 March 23
        TacoMagic permalink

        For you Isaac:

        Ode to Ottom
        Advert of mess and gentle confusion,
        Close bottom-friend of the cougar life;
        Courting them whilst we all make allusion
        And set upon thy post with snarky knife;
        To make humorous the grim mistakes seen,
        And make light the errors and CatMath in;
        To burst with sarcasm and silly we
        In aim to needle your fatuous Zen,
        Yet in truth your Craigslist find we most keen,
        For without our merriment not would glean;
        Thou ottom who’s glory we ever see.

        Not truely an ode to just Ottom, but perhaps a larger idea of bad Caigslist posting.

        (Note: I lopped off the last two stanzas for length purposes… and because Keats’s rhyming scheme makes my head hurt).

        Adores: 27
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          You did the thingy with the who’s/whose again Taco—and on an Ode for Isaac to boot! And I only point that out because you dissed my Keats…

          Please see me after class!

          🙂

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          I was glad you caught that. I had to put it in there just for Issac :).

          And it’s not necessarily anything wrong with Keats. I just think ABABCDEDCCE is a hard rhyming scheme to wrap one’s head around.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23

          You could at least spell my name right, Tacco.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh..sure…sure…suuuuuure you did!

          Who’s nose is growing now Pinocchio?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          The worst part about spelling your name wrong, is that I had spelled it right, then corrected it to be wrong thinking to myself, “I always spell it wrong, well not this time!”

          Damn my brain.

          And whose gonna notice if my nose grows a little?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          *waits for Isaac to pounce on ‘whose’*

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          It’s just no fun when it’s done on purpose HHNF. Taco’s spades are no longer spades anymore. I believe he’s using marbles as his trump suit cards now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          Mudslicker! You’re not supposed to call a spade a spade. It’s politically uncorrect!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Too true, tried to bid “2 round-nosed shovels” to hear ‘4 no trump” (which was all the worse for the grand slam). Ottum!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          Yeah! They’re called “Shovel-Americans” now.

          Note: This goes up there ^ Under HHNF’s post.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          the whose/who’s moment in English 101 last semester:

          I’m doing “grammar review by request” for a room of 18-year-olds who should know better. One of their requests was “whose / who’s” which we clarified rather easily (it’s like its/it’s) until one student asked “wait, what’s whos with no apostrophe? just w-h-o-s. what’s that one?”
          A chorus of “yeah! what’s that one?” echoed him.

          “WHOS,” I said. (it sounds like clearing one’s throat while keeping your mouth open, rhymes with Joss.) “WHOS. It’s not even a word. It’s just WHOS.”

          Classroom erupts in laughter. “Say it again! Say it again!”

          I shook my head in despair and moved on to there/their/they’re….

          [moral of the story: College Students. They Ottom Know Better.]

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          HHNF: so are spades just a WHOS (rhymes with Joss) of a different color then (citing thecarie saga above)?

          In TacoMagicLand, the four card suits are: hearts, diamonds, marbles and club [sammiches].

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Actually we all lost the marbles here, so we only have the 3 suits. To be honest, the only suit we recognize anymore is sammich.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          Dan permalink

          In a similar vein, I had an alleged college student yesterday make the grammatical error “He shot his self”. Now, I understand, that’s just dialect, it’s the way a lot of people talk.

          The problem is, she made it in writing. On a Power Point slide.

          Sigh.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          Jen permalink

          We used to call them ‘commerce students’.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23

          @Dan:
          maybe it was an out-of-body experience? I mean, if my self escaped my body, I might have to shoot it to prevent it from running away… or something.

          Ok maybe not.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          thecarie may be on to something here.
          The id is a slippery concept, one the jung ottoms might not grasp well.
          Then, having accidentally loosed the hounds of ego, turn to firearms for prevention of the spread of rabies.

          Adores: 3
  3. 2010 March 23
    lost_compass permalink

    Very witty commentary, d. And HamC, too. I wonder what saraje will have to say.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 March 23
      saraje80 permalink

      I see nothing wrong here.

      Adores: 9
    • 2010 March 23

      I know what you me, lost_compass. Any of them could be a professional comedi.

      Adores: 2
  4. 2010 March 23
    O'CJ permalink

    Does it come with a matching op?

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 March 23

      No but it comes with an 8 foot ouch!

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 March 23

        Oooh…with the accordian, and the magic leg? If so,I’m in!!

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Only an accordi from what I’ve seen.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23

          what no snake?

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 March 23
        CapnMac permalink

        Either that, or a seven foot ArmWar!

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23

          This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arm war?

          Adores: 2
  5. 2010 March 23
    B....... permalink

    naD ottom ruoy devoL…..

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 March 23
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      Redrum! Redrum!

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 March 23
        Lola permalink

        Might that just be :

        “Drum! Drum!”?

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          More like:

          Redru! Redru!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Or
          “Drum, redrum, reredrum”?
          or would one have to be a flamingo guitarist?

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23
      jackie31337 permalink

      I suppose this isn’t the first time Dan realized that his name backwards spells “nad”, but it is the first time I noticed. *snerk* I’m extra mature tonight.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 March 23

        He has his own line of Australian depilatory products.

        Except that, because they’re backwards, they put nice thick hairs on your legs. Or silky legs on your hair. I’m not sure which. I never touch the stuff.

        Adores: 7
  6. 2010 March 23
    Windrose permalink

    Really wish they listed some history of the thing. Did it have its own empire once? Was it decapitated, but backwards, so it’s no longer Ottoman? I NEED MORE INPUT!

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 March 23
      saraje80 permalink

      It’s been emasculated.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 March 23

        So much for the phallologocentrism that we all admired so much…

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          We should form a club based on that. I’m sure we’ll get a lot of members.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          I don’t know, it might be hard to get up more than a handful.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23

          No, SJ: probably there will be so many people trying to get into the club that we’ll have to beat them off.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          That many men, all popping up at the same time? I find that hard to swallow.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          I think we need to come to grips with this plan. We don’t want to be premature in our estimations of success.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          Yeah, we wouldn’t want to get ahead of ourselves. That could make a big mess.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          The long and short of it is that we need a solid plan. I know we’re all getting excited about the large implications of this idea, but we need to get a hold of ourselves.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          If we included some kind of carnal worship could that club, perhaps, become a hawt sect?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          All I can say is God™ is watching you people and she is not amused.

          *tisk tisk*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23

          Tell me all your thoughts on God, cause I’m ottoman way to see her, and ask her why we’re who we are.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          I believe it’s all explained in the Book of Lucy & Ethel 23: elebenty!11!.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          Oh, duh! I was referencing the Book of Kyle, chapter ninteyten, verse fitty. Thanks for clearing it all up.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          I’m sure we could get tons of people to join, and come to service at least twice a week.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          ….Orgyst once a week.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Premature Estimations opening for Ottom with Special Guest, Sea Alice–at the 4oWatT 2NiTe only!

          Charity event–cover goes to rebuild the Phallologocentrine Chapel

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          jackie31337 permalink

          *hands clasped together very properly* I would like to sing Pious Orgies. (And yes, that is exactly how I introduced it when I performed it.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          Some members have a hard time getting there, so we could offer group rides. I have room for one up front and two in the rear.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          If you had a little less junk in your trunk you could fit one more, as long as they don’t mind being a bit cramped.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          I don’t know, with all of them in there it could be a tight fit.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23

          How come I’m always the one who ends up cramped?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Relax, we’ll just cram them all in the back.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23

          We have some great poker games on Saturday knights.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 March 23
      Lola permalink

      The great Ottoman Empire is not what it once was … the Sultan is gone, the court is dispersed, and Turkey is reduced to trying to join the EU and ineffectually summoning diplomats when other countries use the phrase “Armenian genocide.”
      “Ottom” pretty much sums it up.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 March 23
        B....... permalink

        And then to have a footstool named after ya!

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Better than having dog food named after you.

          Poor Caesar.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23

          I’m not up on my Roman history: I didn’t realize there had been a Eukanuba Caesar.

          …Or have you been feeding salad to your schnauzer?

          Of course, there’s also the dog food named for the God of the Old Testament: “I AM THAT IAMS,” He says…

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          Psst, Isaac!
          http://www.cesar.com/default.aspx

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          I believe he’s referring to:

          “All hail [me], for Iams Caesar!”

          –Et tu, Brute?
          –Oh none for me for I have already et.

          You edited Isaac (regarding the Iams reference). *drats!* But I would have guessed that was more a Popeye, than an Old Testament, reference. Or are they one and the same?

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 March 23

          There’s a terrific New Testament with Popeye that I think was drawn by Sean Bieri (no time to Google it; must go give an exam) … Over Popeye’s head, as he is crucified, is the label “IYAM.”

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Isn’t the iYam coming out next year?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          I bet it’ll be dirt cheap.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          I think you’re thinking of the iNRI — sometime around Easter.

          But I haven’t heard any PEEPS® about it yet.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          jackie31337 permalink

          @TacoMagic: and a salad, and a surgical procedure….. Could be worse.

          Adores: 3
  7. 2010 March 23
    Hartster permalink

    If the title is a question: ottom – $20 (location)

    then the answer is “bottom”. As in “I place my bottom on the ottom.”

    Now to search Craigslist for a dawnzer lee light. I think Ramona has one.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 March 23
      Camille permalink

      I’ll take “Ottoms” for $20, Alex.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 March 23
        Hartster permalink

        This Ottom is a type of vehicle.

        Answer: What is a ottom-mobile?

        Ah! A daily double! This Ottom could be found in Bhubaneswar.

        Who is Ottom Koenigsberger?

        Adores: 5
      • 2010 March 23

        A: This ottom was the hometown of Walter “Radar” O’Reilly.

        Q: What is Ottom Wah, Iowa?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, it does appear to be a nihi footstool, so it would be apt.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 24
          Steph permalink

          I went to Ottom Wah. It was not impressive, and so I was sad. I was born of M*A*S*H nerds, so I daresay M*A*S*H-ness is hereditary.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 March 23
      Lola permalink

      +1 for B. Cleary reference. I still remember that line.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23
        Hartster permalink

        People I’m living with have never read her books, the horror. They look at me funny when I say, “Eat it or wear it.” (At dinnertime!)

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 March 23
          Hartster permalink

          And yes, I realize that’s Judy Blume. I meant to write, people I live with haven’t read Cleary’s or any other great books of that age genre.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          jackie31337 permalink

          I’ve (jokingly) said “eat it or wear it” to my daughter. Unfortunately, she often does both in the course of the same meal. I’m pretty sure she gets it from me.

          Adores: 1
  8. 2010 March 23
    TacoMagic permalink

    I hate it when I leave letters off my words. It’s obvious what this guy meant by ottom. But just so everyone is clear on it, I’ll use it in a sentence:

    lease pank e n he ottom. o arder! arder!

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 March 23
      Hartster permalink

      You may have something there. I’ll put an ad in Craigslist for a free room, the only thing said roomie will have to do is give me a lowjob every day. Nothing wrong can come of this, right?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 March 23
        TacoMagic permalink

        Don’t forget to require everyone wear ighty-highties and forbid oxers.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          Hartster permalink

          I once shot an oxer in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          Oxers are for morons.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23

          Oxer was played by Am Aimi’s brother, if I remember right.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Terra cotta cheese fountaining bust inscribed

          “O Look ye mortals and quake with fear
          For it is I, Ozzymandius
          King of y-front pants . . . ”

          Adores: 3
  9. 2010 March 23
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    Amusing spelling aside, of all of the places in the house to take a picture, they had to put Ottom there? Next to the fouled up hardwood floor and the three dispensers of…..???? Did they look all over, and then decide, “Yup, this is how it’s going to look. Let’s stage it like this”?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 March 23
      TacoMagic permalink

      It becomes slightly more disturbing if you consider that the spot they chose might have been the best one in their entire house.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 March 23
        Lola permalink

        Someplace with no hostages, you mean?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Or freshly unearthed corpses, yes.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          Could be a zombie household. That would explain the copious stains and plentiful lotion supply. In that context, posting stuff on CraigsList almost makes sense. The buyer comes by, expecting to purchase a large cushioned stool, only to unwittingly become a brain delivery service.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          Lola permalink

          Anyone willing to fall for that isn’t going to be a very high-quality brain. Do you think they really want those?

          … Hmm. I wonder if stupid or smart brains taste different. Does IQ have a flavor? Do zombies have a preference, or are they basically like teenage boys regarding free beer and sex: as much as possible?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          Jen permalink

          According to the bastion of scientifically-verified knowledge that is “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, zombies will happily eat cauliflower for quite a while before realising it is not.a.brain, so I don’t think the average CL buyer would stand much chance of escape.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 March 23
          sarajean80 permalink

          The taste buds are probably one of the first things to go. I’d imagine it’s more of a “quantity rather than quality” situation.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23
      penguin permalink

      I think those may be bottles of lotion.

      The ottom is by itself with plenty of elbow room (and various other body parts) . Those white marks on the floor may not be all scuffs. Which means possibly…..I am so not going there.

      Before I found YSaC my mind would have never wandered down such bleach requiring paths. OK, maybe that’s not true. But that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 March 23
        TacoMagic permalink

        They should have at least put that lotion in a basket or something.

        What?

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 March 23

          you beat me to that one TM, I was just about to go with “it puts the lotion on it’s skin” etc.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          It puts the lotion on the ottom, or it gets the ose again.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          Awesome.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          Lotion on the ottom sounds like more fun than should be allowed.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23
      CapnMac permalink

      It does have that sad look of being after an estate sale.
      Which might explain why there is naught but a footstool, a wastepaper basket, and some haircare supplies left.

      Or, the Board of Licensing and Registration had just raided another unlicensed hair salon, and this is what was not taken into evidence.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 March 23
        Lola permalink

        Just post-raid on an unlicensed foot-massage parlor, perhaps?

        Adores: 2
  10. 2010 March 23
    penguin permalink

    I searched the ottom of the barrel for some semi-witty remark but came up with nada.

    Adores: 3
  11. 2010 March 23

    An ottom mother is heart to find.

    Adores: 2
  12. 2010 March 23
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I’d comment, but this one’s ottom my league.

    Adores: 3
  13. 2010 March 23
    ChapeauNoir permalink

    Criticize all you want. I think the ottom-aton listed itself and didn’t do a bad job, for a footstool.

    Adores: 6
  14. 2010 March 23
    Depressy permalink

    Hey, man. We need some money to buy some weed, man. We should sell that footstool thing, man.

    The what thing, man?

    You know, the little seat thing, man. What do they call that, man?

    An ottoman?

    Yeah, an ottom, man!

    ottom – $20

    Adores: 27
    • 2010 March 23
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Damn, you Depressy. Stay off my computer!

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 March 23
        Lola permalink

        Hey, I just had a great (if OT) idea: Depressy v. Hypno-Cat match. Who will survive?

        *caffeine rapidly wears off again*

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          *caffeine rapidly wears off again*

          Sadly it does.

          I know mine just went splody for having Kurosawa’s Drunken Angel on and then getting Futurama hypnotoad rememories wrasslin’ in some sort of ottom cage match.

          Aiiyi, mi cabezza est queso y yo no Lionel estoy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          Hypno-cat permalink

          Meow can take him… Too much trouble… Meow rather nap…

          Adores: 2
  15. 2010 March 23

    Ottom and Eave were hanging out in the Garden of Eatin’, admiring God’s creations, especially the majestic not.a.lion. From out of the sofa emerged a snake who said, “Yo Eave, I have red table for sale! Take it for free!”

    Adores: 24
  16. 2010 March 23

    I just almost choked. Or maybe gagged.

    Is any of you getting an ad with Sarah Palin’s grimace where there ought to be “Cougar Life”?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 March 23

      Nope, just the regular Cougars…dude, you gotta back off da meds….or bring enough to share with the whole class.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 March 23
      TacoMagic permalink

      You sure that isn’t the same ad, Isaac?

      Adores: 9
  17. 2010 March 23

    Woo-hoo! I got in the don’t suck box!! I know that means I get punched, but I have NO idea what that means. Someone please to essplain?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 March 23
      TacoMagic permalink

      It means you’re one punch closer to getting the free coffee!

      Adores: 2
  18. 2010 March 23
    jackie31337 permalink

    I actually know a guy named Otto M. Somehow, I think he might be a tad dismayed to find out he’s being sold for $20 on Craigslist.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 March 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      Is he invisible? ‘Cause I would totally pay $20 for my own invisible man.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23
        jackie31337 permalink

        No, he’s not invisible, he’s just a master of camouflage. In this picture, he looks exactly like a footstool.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          There are 26 people in this picture. None of whom can be seen.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 March 23

          Every real scientist knows that ottoms cannot be seem with the naked eye.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          “Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough, could you please stand up?”

          Ottom! He blew up!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          TacoMagic permalink

          It just begs the question:

          “Whose gonna blow up next?”

          *Flees*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          “May the good Lord take a shine t’ya and blow ya’ up good, real soon, y’hear?”

          Ah. late-night SCTV, long missed but not for ottom.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          mudslicker permalink

          *Fleas*

          Adores: 4
  19. 2010 March 23

    *totally off-topic, but almost worth the read*
    Our power has been out for two days, due to teenage shenanigans at several transformers. Transformers don’t like being cut into, I guess. They go all Decepticon on you. Anyways. After making my unshowered, gross way to work, I realized that several people were missing, including the foreman’s daughter, who checks us in and sets us up with firewatches and hotwork checks, so we can, you know, do our job. She has a large van and gives people in our area rides to work. We called her cell since the landlines weren’t working. She answered, all surprised that her cell phone worked. So it begins. She was asked if it would take her awhile longer to get ready since the power was out. By now, it’s daylight. She said she couldn’t brush her teeth or hair or wash her face since the power was out. The incredulous new guy on our end was explaining to her that yes, she could. The water works and she has a bathroom with windows. After much more of this kind of explaining, he finally asked if we should just tell the boss that she wanted a day off since her excuses were so stupid. She then started talking to him as if he were a stupid 5 yr old, and said very slowly, ‘And just HOW am I supposed to GET there? How many times have I told you that the POWER is OUT. I’m not walking and the buses aren’t running.’
    By now, half the shop is standing around the phone.
    Then guy asks, ‘What’s wrong with the van?’
    Now she gets indignant and starts with the insults. She wants to talk to someone with a god damned brain. She has explained several times that the power is out. How stupid can he be? If he wants to come give her a ride, fine, but he’ll have to pick up the people that she carpools with since their power is out too, and when she gets there, she’s having her father fire his dumb ass, since someone so dumb shouldn’t be working with power tools, let alone walking and talking at the same time. Right.
    Our guy said, ‘You DO know that a power outage doesn’t affect your car, right? Everyone else from your neighborhood drove.’
    *silence on both ends*
    The laughter. Lots and lots of snorting, gasping, table-banging laughter.
    She got mad and hung up.
    This woman works in a nuclear shipyard. And makes a ton of money.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 March 23
      TacoMagic permalink

      I work for a hospital. I’d tell you similar stories about the doctors I work with, but then you’d never go for medical help when you needed it.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23

        I won’t tell you about the nurse who thought it was rude when the intake nurse told her my daughter was SOB when she had pneumonia.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 March 23
          Lola permalink

          As for the stupid bitch with no electricity – I had a power outage on the same day as a job interview. Because I had daylight, even though I couldn’t wash my hair I could fix it, put on makeup, put on a skirt suit and stockings, and leave the house on time.
          I got the job. In fact, I still have it.

          I work for lawyers who can cut and paste an address into an email and then send it to us requesting that we get them the document available in the page link. Which was available to them simply by clicking on it when they were at the page, and which would have been much quicker to get had they done so, instead of copy/pasting the link, composing the message, and sending it – and then waiting for the response.
          My coworker and I just stared at each other for a bit after confirming that this really was the situation, and then we rolled our eyes and shook our heads. Job security, I guess. It took, at most, about 15 seconds to fulfill the request.

          Oh and this particular individual very likely makes at least a million a year and quite probably makes more than that. He takes home more in a month than I do in a year.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          Jen permalink

          When I was at Uni, one of my law lecturers once told me that the best way to make people think you’re super crash hot successful is to make stupid requests which take more time in the making than doing the thing yourself. He said the inanity of this is why he ended up teaching, rather than earning the $$$. It’s also why we never asked him for information on cases, etc., as he’d reply with “Dear Jen, http://www.google.com. Sincerely, Geoff.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          Lola permalink

          Jen, did I mention that I can’t stand that guy, and people like him/the ones to which you refer?
          The last firm I was at, everything but everything was delegated, to the point where I couldn’t figure out what the people at the top did. Presumably they billed $800/hr. for the luxury of thinking, unencumbered utterly by the tedia of committing any acts remotely resembling work.
          That, and handling mortgage investment carve-ups. When the economy started crashing, the financial news started to sound a little bit familiar, per terms I’d had to research.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 23
          Jen permalink

          I’m sure that’s one of those Laws of Management – that the further down the pay scale you go, the more work you find being done. When I interned in a law firm, I never bothered to ask the partners anything, as they never knew. Their secretaries, on the other hand, could not only cite chapter and verse by heart, but could also direct you to the precedent folder and alert you to recent legislative developments.

          As far as I could tell, 90% of the big-name lawyers’ time was spent being wheeled out to impress big clients or frighten stubborn/worthy opposing counsel. Oh, and drink coffee. Lots of coffee. We should’ve just stuffed them, would’ve saved on water bills.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 March 23
          penguin permalink

          I had the medical year from hell a couple of years ago. I had gone into the hospital for the third time and was being prepped for surgery. My brother was with me. The nurse came in to get me set up for an IV. I gave her the heads up that I had small veins and people had a problem with getting needles in. My brother stated that, he too, had been told that he was difficult with needles and said that our dad had mentioned issues. The nurse said she was a pro and would get it in on the first try. Of course, she didn’t and then dared ask me if I was a former drug abuser because that would make it difficult. Hello?!? The fact that you were just told that two siblings and their father all have the same problem doesn’t compute that it may be a family thing?

          I didn’t say anything. Just rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to tick her off while she was trying to stick a needle in me.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 March 23
        CapnMac permalink

        And for even more dangerous cynicism, get involved in emergent medicine.

        Makes DiY medical care look all the more appealing.

        But, perhaps, I have been around one too many hospital ottoms.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          CapnMac permalink

          Hmm, maybe there’s a nifty untapped market in getting barristers plastinated–it would make the coffee clean-up easier, if nothing else.

          Many of the staff are just recreating Weekend at Bernie’s as is, so the wheels of the legal industry ought keep turning.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      I can sort of see assuming there would be no water if she had a well(I do, when the power goes out we have NOTHING) but brushing her hair? Since when are hairbrushes electrical appliances?

      I suddenly feel the need to build a bomb shelter in my back yard.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23
        CapnMac permalink

        If you need plans for your shelter, I can help.
        Just don’t be confused when they are labeled
        “Ottom-proof Armwar, hunting attire not included-16”

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 March 23
      mudslicker permalink

      We should pawn her off to Al-Qaeda.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23

      PS
      I know I should have posted this in the Forums, but I’m all non-conformist-y today.
      *waits for drmk to kill me*

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 March 23
        TacoMagic permalink

        Look out HHNF, it’s a trap!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          Is that a box propped on a twig with…. figs underneath? Yay!

          Adores: 4
  20. 2010 March 23

    Ottom leaves of red and gold?

    Adores: 4
  21. 2010 March 23

    Guys, check this out: we got a shout-out today on the blog of Dan Piraro, the cartoonist who draws Bizarro. Piraro is a funny guy and a terrific cartoonist. How great that he loves drmk and Dan!

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 March 23
      Lola permalink

      Oh. My. God. (Said without irony, or abbreviation.)
      I have been reading/looking at Dan Piraro’s work since I was in high school – about twenty years. I recently introduced a coworker to his work when my parents sent me some of his earlier books! Thank you, Isaac!
      And thank you Mr. Piraro for liking this blog as much as we do!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23

        Seriously? I’m squeeing all over the place!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          Seriously. I put a link in the comment before. Here it is again.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23

          Sadly, my intended use of the word “Seriously?” doesn’t come across well on the internet. It was supposed to convey a sort of “You guys …” preamble to the following sentence. But it didn’t.

          Intent fail.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 23
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Hey, everyone look busy! Piraro’s watching!

          *Wipes counter furiously and whistles innocently…

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 March 23

      Haha!
      ‘I hate you, you’re ugly and stupid and mean!’

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 March 23
        Windrose permalink

        One of us! One of us! Dan Piraro is One of us! 8) *waves* I believe I have seen him at Comic Con a time or two. Love the comics.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 March 23

        I think that’s a different Bizarro you’re thinking of, there, HHNF.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 March 24

          No, that’s what he said in the blog!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 24

          Oh, right. I forgot about that. Because apparently I have the short-term memory of a labrador retriever.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 March 24

          “Even though I have just met you, you are my very best friend. Squirrel!”

          Adores: 5
  22. 2010 March 23
    Astro permalink

    Dang, you guys always take all the good snark.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 March 23
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Around here, snark is like Mae West. When it’s good, it’s very, very good, and when it’s bad, it’s better…

      Adores: 3
  23. 2010 March 23
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, so that will be one punch for CJ, one squee to go for drmk, rooms for Lola, Jen, HHNF, Taco, Isaaaac, sarajean, and Mudsie, and a few extra penis jokes all around.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 March 23

      Thanks, Windrose, but I am in a room already.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 March 24
        jackie31337 permalink

        Is it the kind with padded walls?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 March 24
          sarajean80 permalink

          How did you know?
          Are you watching me?!?

          *(Glances furtively around while folding new tin foil beanie)*

          Adores: 1
  24. 2010 March 24
    Astro permalink

    I am not a schizophrenic.
    (But I am.)

    Adores: 2
  25. 2010 March 29

    one thing’s for sure, he sure hit rock ottom…..

    Adores: 0

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