YSaC, Vol. 914: Mushroom, mushroom …
crap to me stuff to you
hi im moving to an apartment and ditching alot of crap that i dont and wont need every thing from my back shed is out be the road now and your more than welcome to it there in a sink a weel barrol lots of x mas stuff lightsmostly working there is a bulb checker inflatables penguin polar bear and santa all work and there are present pacages that light up um not sure you will have to change the bulb more than likely a home made swing set you will need to knock on the door and no the swings i have dont go with it there will be lots of stuff being added to it have at it
[address] or [zip code]
no i will not hold crap
ps do not take anything that is on the porch ill just shoot at you we have a real homeless problem and i have kids thank god for moving
No, that’s pretty much crap to me, too … unless you have a giant inflatable badger in there somewhere. I’ve been looking for one of those for ages.*
Thanks, Katherine!
*This may actually (sort of) be true. I once lived in a condo complex that mandated how long in advance of a holiday you could put up decorations, and how long you could leave them up after said holiday. However, they never specified that the decorations had to be holiday specific/relevant, so I wanted to get a giant inflatable badger and leave it out constantly, and claim it was for whatever holiday was approaching or had just passed. These plans were, sadly, thwarted by the general unavailability at the time of giant inflatable badgers.
Oh, and we’ve found another variant of wheelbarrow — and in a moment of serendipity, I mentioned my giant inflatable badger fetish in that post, too!
**Okay, I did a Google search for “inflatable badger.” Y’all have to check out this link (SFW). Most important: look at the tagline for the site.
So a home made swing set without swings would be just some metal poles, correct? Possibly welded together? And not even a deer carcass to go with it, most likely.
Only if the antlers are bedazzled.
I’m guessing Sparky couldn’t spell “abattoir” to any degree of accuracy that could even be guessed at. Not that this seems to stop him anyway.
Good morning, gentlemen. This is a twelwe-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these…
We don’t want to kill our tenants.
We don’t want to kill David Tennant.
Our tenet is not to kill.
Don’t kill in the tent.
Don’t tent the kill
Put kielbasa in the tent.
David Tennant….Why am I thinking of Doctor Who? Anyone?
Or else it gets the loaf again.
I’ve a second-hand apron . . .
And we have a new euphemism.
We make up a new euphemism every three days or so. I’m used to it.
“Kielbasa in the tent” sounds like a localization of “hide the sausage” to me.
NMN, I just read it ALL euphemistically. It’s safer that way.
NMN, David Tennant played Dr. Who.
I don’t watch the show, I just know that from hanging around here.
Could be just some two by fours nailed together in an “A” frame configuration…
“Here, have some wood”
Wait…
You’re not the first man to offer me wood in the morning.
I have found that the wood offered in the early morning is often of the highest quality. Not sure why that is…maybe it has something to do with a night of warm growing conditions?
And today I will be the first to get my coat.
So I’ve always wondered… Is “I’ll get my coat” along the same lines as Jayne’s “I’ll be in ma bunk” or is it more like “The corners in this impossibly-shaped snark lounge are unusually cold”?
It’s a Brit saying. The implication is “I’ve said/done something stupid, and will leave now, after I get my coat.” Whether this is shame or punishment is up to the speaker/writer/reader.
It’s a catchphrase from The Fast Show – the character would say something dumb, or out of place, such as asking for chicken nuggets in an obviously posh restaurant, there would be a moment of horrified silence while everyone else stared at him, and he would then say… “I’ll get my coat.” Can also be used after terrible, groan-worthy jokes.
I must have left my corey tags somewhere around here.
Hey, I wonder where this is. Considering that my neighborhood is only a few years old, there are no strong trees in my yard. So I’ll need something from which to hang animals from my successful hunts before butchering.
“I’ve just heard the most wonderful news. Sparky down the street from us is moving.”
“Yay! We never have to look at that Christmas display again. Especially the Christmas penguin.”
“Sparky? You mean the one with the anger-management issues?”
“Maybe now Sparky’s kids will have a proper swingset. That homemade thing is a disaster waiting to happen.”
Not to mention the deer hanging from it doesn’t appear to having any fun AT ALL!
I’m trying to invision what a penguin polar bear looks like. A bear wearing a tuxedo, perhaps?
And I’m glad he cleared up that he is not willing to hold crap. If I went to get my new penguin polar bear inflatable and he was holding some crap, I’d have to really reconsider my choice. I don’t want an inflatable animal hybrid from someone with dirty hands.
It’s like a polar bear with a tux, a cigar, and a purple umbrella.
And a monocle.
It’s a partially-deformed super-villian with clear tubular fur?
Or an Arctic offshoot of an Antarctic species (or vice-versa in a divide by zero err
Crap?
I am offended. Double that for pointing out that I may eat a bit too much over the holidays.
So is the inflatable polar bear yours? And if so, why does Sparky have it?
Badger badger badger badger! Mushroom! Mushroom!
Badger badger badger badger! Ahh a snake! A snake!
And, repeat.
Hence, the title.
Llama, llama, DUCK!
Thanks Taco
I like to think that this has become an actual chant at Wisconsin games. The “It’s a SNAAAAKE” being a call/answer sort of thing between the right and left side of the crowd.
And, yes, YSaC is on the first page of Google results for “inflatable badger.” (Not very near the top yet, but I expect that will happen eventually.)
I just had to check, and why, yes, it is on the first page!
Not that I doubted you, Moira, I just had to see for myself.
I must hurry to Sparky’s. All of this
crapstuff would make interesting prizes. I can already see the look ofdismayexcitement on the children’s faces.Am I the only one who read that part as meaning Sparks is moving to get away from his children?
I take it to mean the kids are kept out on the porch, along with his ” real homeless problem” (an elderly relative, perhaps?) – could be all yours if you move quick and are prepared to dodge a hail of bullets. Ditto for anyone daring to enquire about the home-made swing.
I thought that was the way you were supposed to read it.
Weal Barley Polka
by Bobby Vintage
Theres a would shed, wat a wood she’d
Only crappy stuff wuz store’d their
And they’re’s no more galldurn room there
Fur a pengouen or a sink thei’r
Oh dere’s poler bares ‘n Santas
But sorry, there’s no badgas
When you see my junk pyle
You’ll want a bally swing jazz(??)
I got a bunch o’ crispness lites
An’ a checker for ’em too, rite
I wanna threw it all away
But you kin take it too, OK
Jus’ come and nock on my frunt dore
Buffore you come an’ take yore score
Don’t touch nuthin’ on my porch, hear?
I’ll shoot yer ass, fare ‘n squeer
Bring a weel barrol, take this crap off’n my lawn
Bring a whale marrow, I jus’ want all this crap gone
Do’nt bother askin’, I w’ont hold crap ’til you come
Bring yoresef a big steel barbell and mind my shotgun
[EPIC ACCORDION SOLO]
Linky.
I’m surprised no one said anything about my link. Unless no one actually clicked it, in which case, never mind.
Well, at nine-plus minutes of (even cleverely) mixed accordion playing, it got to tl;dl middling quickly, I must admit.
I’m also at work with no sound, so can’t watch it ’til I get home.
Once again, Sparky is too lazy and cheap to haul his crap to the land fill or second hand store. He is reaching out to fellow Sparkies to help him solve this dilemma. I’d be willing to set up my chair, umbrella, and cooler across the street from the house and mingle with the homeless to watch Sparkies on Parade.
Windy — could you take pictures? It could be a new calendar idea “Sparkies on Parade”.
You mean that ground isn’t more or less covered over at peopleofwalmart.com?
Or a music video, to the tune of Dumbo’s “Pink Elephants on Parade”
MindField, make it so.
I could do the music. Should I stick to the traditional style or make something a little more modern an upbeat? Bearing in mind that whatever style it’s in, it absolutely must have a lumbering, slightly drunken tuba bassline.
If you insist on setting a video to that music, I must ask you to excuse me while I find a nice corner in which to rock myself in the fetal position.
That pink elephant music has scared the crap out of me since I was five years old. Went to an air show this past summer, and it played LOUDLY over the loudspeakers as one of the airplanes lumbered drunkenly though the air (can a plane lumber drunkenly?) as part of its act. I nearly went into a panic.
*keeps rocking*
Windy: I’ll bring the Drano.
And the Sterno.
[OT]I saw the ad with Mr. Winkey’s face on it, on Cracked. I am now convinced that Mr. Winkey is either Soren Bowie, or Robert Brockway, in real life.[/OT]
im not really shure whats supposed to be wrong with this post i think ur just picking on somebody because they collected alot of stuff and now want to give it away to anyone who wants it and calling it crap crap is an acceptable term my friends parents said so so he was able to say crap all he wanted because it was ok i wasnt tho since my parents didnt take no crap from me and i doubt they would have taken crap from this guy too as they dont need any x mas lights
thank god for flying fish
I wish they had collected some periods and capital letters.
Oh, who cares about those, you could have your very own pet alot! Made of stuff!
I put that in there just for us alot fans.
Personally I still want an alot of fire. Don’t know where I’d keep him, but talk about a hell of a conversation piece.
It sounds like something from the Book of Revelation:
And there appeared unto them an alot of fire
And it did burn a whole helluva lot
And did join it the alot of steak and alot of beer
And thus a barbecue did they have
And there was much rejoicing
Yea, much rejoicing through the land when the House of Sparky departed, yea, unto all generations, and took they their shit with them (mostly).
But lo, some of the shit they left behind, and it did scatter to the four courners of the backyard, and did gather against the chain link fence. And lo, a neighbor of the Sparky did take notice of the shit, and did say unto himself, “Self, this shit be of decent usage still, and perhaps of decent value”. And the neighbor of the Sparky did take for himself the shit, and did use some of the shit. But that shit which he did not use he listed on CL, and say that it was “Good Stuff”, and did ask for a payment for this shit. And the payment he did ask was “free, 50$ obo”.
And lo, no one did pay for the shit that the neighbor of the Sparky did list, because they looked upon the shit and said, “Hey, this isn’t Good Stuff. This is shit!”. And lo, they knew that it was not good.
And the Llama-Nun looked upon what The Neighbor of Sparky had wrought, and verily pointed and laughed.
Thus is it spoken.
Thus spake Sparkythrusta.
*Wagnerian soundtrack*
[2001: A Space Corey]*Straussian*[/corey]
[matte] Now, Astro, our dear Lola could have been suggesting the rather long, tedious, and nearly ennding parade of sparkiness that exists, and how a musical production of same would make the The Ring cycle seem a 15 second commercial “bit”
[/matte]
Astro is correct, though my reference was simply opining that Wagner seems an even better fit for Nietzsche.
::deep breath::
I almost passed out trying to read that without any punctuation!
And I suppose you’re all going to blame me for the inflatable badger being from UW.*
*Wisconsin has become almost intolerable since the Packers made the Superbowl. For some reason they can’t fathom why I don’t care.
Actually, I was going to suggest checking the UW store for an inflatable badger, but I see drmk (bees be upon her) has already figured that out. My favorite part of the Bucky ad:
Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
Gee, there’s nothing like the prospect of possibly getting shot while rummaging through someone else’s discards to add a little spice to life.
Why do I get the nagging feeling that Sparky’s cable is out and this is his idea of alternative entertainment?
Most of the old coots usually just wait for door-to-door salesmen to shoot at. This guy is actually baiting people in; talk about upping the ante!
You don’t see many door-to-door salesmen these days, so he has to do something to drum up entertainment. You wouldn’t want him reading or anything, would you?
That makes me wonder if there is some kind of point system. Like 5 points for a door-to-door salesman, 2 – points for a homeless person and 1 point for someone digging through the crap on the porch. I first typed pint instead of point. That may make more sense.
And ten points for the raccoon digging through his trash!
Edit: That sounded alot better in my mind.
I’m not a racoon! Sure I have dark circles around my eyes and yes, I am digging through the trash, but I haven’t had enough sleep despite being in bed all day yesterday, and the trash was just asking for it, standing there with the lid askew.
Sign on all the neighbors’ lawns:
Thank God You’re Moving!
It was so nice that everyone in the neighborhood helped us load the trucks! They seemed so happy to do it too!
For extra interest, Sparky has crowded the porch with items so that it is nearly impossible to get to the door without touching something and thereby incurring Sparky’s wrath and attempts to shoot at all who attempt the advance (the mailman is grateful every day that the box is out by the front gate).
drmk, you are very lucky we do not have the addres of the YSaC offices. And by “offices”, I mean the left couch cushion of the loveseat.
Should we discover this, you could be in danger of having a giant inflatable badger delivered to your door.
Or their lawn forked.
We could get her a giant inflatable badger, a giant inflatable snake, and a giant inflatable mushroom.
And two llamas and a duck.
Banana
I might know where we could get a giant inflatable banana.
..and a black spandex Spiderman suit….
Don’t forget the bees.
**whispering**Yes, many, many bees…
And the queen of them all, the Bea Arthur (Beas be upon her) cutout!
All of which would be covered in the Christmas stuff tarp.
I had a weathervane once….
…just sayin’
Why would anyone want to throw these income generating meal tickets to the curb? I wonder there they work.
T.G.I. Friday’s®?
A truly horrible competitor to Chuck E. Cheese?
If it’s worse than Chuck E. Cheese, it must be called Bob E. Coli, or maybe Salmon Ella’s.
I think it’s The Outhouse Steakhouse. Famous for their bloomin’ underpants.
Ah yes, authentic cuisine form down under.
And I take it, when you say “down under” you really mean it ….
I’m really looking for a stay at home penguin polar bear.
Slightly OT: Hey, Dave, you and you ferret are in the box of not sucking again!
When I was a kid out West,* there was some fast-food place called Arctic Circle. I can’t remember what the mascot was, but these sound potentially appropriate.
*Feels oddly old typing this
I don’t know off the top of my head what their mascot is, but their halibut sandwiches and seasonal shakes are delicious!
It can’t be the same Arctic Circle around where I live, they just sell ice cream, and their mascot is a polar bear.
I am willing to cut George Carlin some slack on the spelling and lack of punctuation, what with being dead and all.
It’s still a funny bit.
So which of these were the seven words that you can’t say?
inflatables?
penguin?
polar?
santa?
bulb?
porch?
Crap….
That looks like a list of things you can combine to make new things.
Inflatable porch.
Porch penguin.
Polar bulb.
Penguin Santa.
Let me guess. By IKEA.*
*some assembly required
Either IKEA or Walmert — sometimes hard to tell the difference.
Semprini
Wasn’t there a PSA about ditching unwanted crap? Every day thousands of tons of crap is just ditched and it becomes homeless. Won’t someone think of the neighborhood?
Speaking of which, has anyone ever looked at the side of a highway and seen a single, lonely shoe? How the heck do you lose your shoes when you’re in a moving vehicle, and more importantly, how do you lose only one shoe?
David Feldman tackled just that question in one of his Imponderables books, as did Cecil Adams later on in one of his Straight Dope columns. It’s one of the great mysteries of our time if their pieces are anything to go by.
Personally , I lost one shoe when my brother threw it out the car window and my father’s first wife decided it was not safe to stop on the highway.
kelli, my head is spinning trying to make sense of “my father’s first wife.” I think I will go with, you were raised by educated sheep and then adopted by these people.
Windy, my father married Ms. A. (his first wife), had two children and then they divorced. He met Ms. D. (my mother) and married her and they proceeded to have about* 4 children. My mother and Ms. A. became quite friendly and it was not unusual for Ms. A to be carting around my mother’s children.
*I say about because we don’t always count the sister I don’t like as our sibling. It’s a very long, boring story.
My favorite tome on the subject of stuff that gets left by the side of the road and other places is the deeply dry and totally straight-faced
http://www.amazon.com/Stray-Shopping-Carts-Eastern-America/dp/0810955202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1296508174&sr=8-1
While meant to be amusing, it’s also incredibly depressing thinking about how much crap people just leave by the side of the road, on purpose.
“no i will not hold crap”
That’s okay, the “Adult Services” section is gone from CL anyway.
That could have simply been an explanation that he’s incontinent. Which would answer the unasked question of what Sparky will shoot at you.
Does incontinent mean that he doesn’t have a continent to call his own?
Does it mean that he lives out on the water like Kevin Costner in Waterworld?
Huh? Does it Mindfield?
😉
Because of the no comma, I read that in the voice of the “Will It Blend?” guy… “Today, we have two sandwiches and a penguin polar bear. Let’s post it on the internet and see if an epic tale comes out… Say it with me… Does It Mindfield??”
I’ve never thought about it before, but now that the topic seems to have come up, I have to admit: I make an awkward verb.
Personally, I feel like you truly shine as an adjective.
I still think “Mindfield” sounds like a superhero’s(or villain’s) name.
The hubby kindly ditched
crapstuff on Friday. Most of it was gone before we got a torrential downpour Saturday night. I chose not to worry about any of it (even though one of the items left out was a rather nice lamp – we didn’t need it, I had asked him to clean the garage, I can’t very well complain when he follows directions and puts stuff that was mine before we married out with the stuff that was his before we married).I don’t think the old video player survived the rain, though.
The smaller stuff is going into a box to be delivered to a thrift shop.
I do not know what we will do with the old, nasty couch.
I have even less clue what we will do with the fairly nice bedroom set that’s too damn large to fit in the house.
I guess there will be CL postings in our future. The hubby knows how to use punctuation, though.
Don’t expect to have anyone too interested in your couch, Moira. I mean, with no dead-auntie-juice stains and no potentially dead snake, it’s not like you have much of a selling point …
It should at least come with an accordion, or what’s the point?
It has potentially been used as a no-tell motel by various felines and possibly other small animals. It is also where the hubby slept when I wasn’t letting him in the house.
How’s that?
At first, this linguistic train wreck seemed nonsensical. The more I read it, though, the more it reminds me of Picasso’s play “Four Young Girls”
Come on now, there’s a little bit of self-help jargon in there because Sparky
wants to “Be the road”. But at the same time he/she/it knows that the road is lonely, because “Your (sic) more than welcome to it.” Kinda melancholy, if you think about it.
Like the Joad family packing up and skedaddlin’ before all the good Dust Bowl hovels are taken.
Just be the road… be the road… be the road…
You’re not being the road, Danny.
Being reminded to watch The Llama Song totally makes today worthwhile. I’ve felt like crap all day, and still do, but now I feel like amused crap.
At least you don’t have to worry about being put out on the curb and not held when asked.
p.s. hope you feel better tomorrow.
Thanks. Rest, anti-biotics, and painkillers have already helped.
And even if you feel like crap, you aren’t actually crap. Plus, I think Mr. AR would probably not want to try taking you out to the curb in this weather. 8)
We’re supposed to get ice tonight, so I’m glad I can stay inside.
Mr.EB isn’t familiar with the llama song, so when I start singing it, he looks at me funny. It often amuses me, and then I will do it again.
I’d like to take this opportunity to post the latest updates to the screenplay for You Suck at Craigslist: The Motion Picture.
YOU SUCK AT CRAIGSLIST:
THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLDELECTRIC BOOGALOOTHE MOTION PICTUREby
Astrognash
CAST LIST
TACOMAGIC – PAUL GIAMATTI
DRMK – SIGOURNEY WEAVER
DAN – EWAN MCGREGOR
SPARKY – WILL FERRELL
AL SHARPTON – MORGAN FREEMAN
CAPTAIN PICARD – PATRICK STEWART
COREY – JIM PARSONS
ATTILA THE HUN – PATRICK GALLAGHER
BENJAMIN DISRAELI – HUGH LAURIE (BUT WITH A BEARD)
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN – HIMSELF
ASTROGNASH – VINCENT MARTELLA
INNANA – UMA THURMAN
IRREGULAR FRACTAL – NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
LOLA – ANGELINA JOLIE
MEREDITH – KATE WINSLET
CAPNMAC – MEL GIBSON
ISAAC – BEN STEIN
SARAJEAN80 – JANEANE GAROFALO
LAURELHACH – KIRSTEN DUNST
GRAMPDADDY – ADAM WEST
MANDAB – JANE KACZMAREK
LURKREALCLOSE – JOAN CUSACK
ARTSY COMPUTER GEEK – MALINDA GATES
GRAHAMT – NATHAN FILLION
BIANCHI SOUND – GIOVANNI RIBISI
SILVANOIR – VOICED BY LUCY LIU, BUT ANIMATED
BRIDGETE – AUDREY TATOU
MINDFIELD – CHARLES NORRIS, ESQ.
WINDROSE – DIANE KEATON
DAVE AND THE FERRET – JASON ISAACS
LIMELOLLY – PIPER PERABO (VOICED BY WHOEVER DOES THE VOICE OF THE GEICO GECKO)
MUDSLICKER – SANDRA BULLOCK
HAMCAN – RUSSELL CROWE
SPAMCAN – RUSSELL CROWE
BACONTINI – JONATHAN GOLDSMITH
DEPRESSY – ROBIN WILLIAMS
TEN – DAVID TENNANT
ECLECTICBLUE – ANNE HATHAWAY
KELLI – FELICIA DAY
JEN – NATALIE PORTMAN
ARCHED EYEBROWS – LISA EDELSTEIN
CJ – CATE BLANCHETT
CHRISTINA – COURTNEY LOVE
MR. WINKEY – TOM HANKS
CANDORMAN – DANNY DEVITO
SCENE 1-THE SAFARI
TACOMAGIC, ISAAC, DRMK, SPARKY, AL SHARPTON, and DAN are wearing pith helmets and hiding in the brush in the wild savannas of Ish. Off in the distance, a Tiger can be seen.
SPARKY
(whispering)
Dudes, it’s a lion!
DRMK
(raises an eyebrow quizzically)
Really, Sparky? You still think that that’s a lion? After all these years? I mean, it’s obviously Not. A. Lion.
Everybody laughs as Drmk does commentary on Sparky’s observation. Sparky looks at the ground sheepishly, muttering something about genetics. Suddenly, the Tiger hears them, and looks up.
TACOMAGIC
Shh! If it gives chaise, we’ll need to run faster than a Mexican across a border!
Al Sharpton dials his cell phone, and TacoMagic’s phone rings.
TACOMAGIC
Oh, goody! A text message!
Taco takes out his phone and reads the message.
TACOMAGIC
I think there’s an ointment for that, Al.
ISAAC
Psst! Taco! It’s chase, not chaise!
TACO
D’oh!
(slaps forehead)
Suddenly, the Tardis appears before our intrepid band of beings. TEN and LAURELHACH step out.
TEN
(acting like he’s a bad actor in a 60’s sitcom)
Oh, mighty Llama-Nun and minions! I need your help urgently! COREY has disrupted the time stream by sending out his minions, ATTILA THE HUN and BENJAMIN DISRAELI, to take over the unspecified prominent university at which Drmk works to try and prevent You Suck at Craigslist from ever being founded! We must hurry before he figures out your secret identity, oh Llama-Nun, and destroys all of [Location]-Ish!
Everyone gasps and Dan sticks his head in the sand.
ISAAC
That’s terrible. However will we stop him?
LAURELHACH
We need to voyage through time and space, through the history of YSaC, trying to track him down within the deep bowels of the archives. He’ll be using the new Cyberspatial Adapter he stole from HamCan to physically explore past posts, looking for any sign of Drmk’s identity, even stuff that wouldn’t show up in text. A warning: He has a head start, and may have already altered the past with his destructive ways of looking for information. This will not be the You Suck at Craigslist you all know and love. But come on, time is short!
She motions for them all to follow her into the Tardis, and they crowd inside.
SCENE 2- THE TARDIS
Ten, Laurelhach, Al Sharpton, Sparky, TacoMagic, Dan, Drmk, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, and Isaac are inside the Tardis. Everyone turns in surprise at the sudden appearance of Christopher Walken.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Hello, everybody. I am here to settle a score with Al Sharpton. He has made much fun of my accent.
AL SHARPTON
Like hell I have, mo’fo’in’ cracker.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Al, I am hurt by your unkind words. Truthfully you have a tongue like a hot iron. I am mortally offended, and my people will contact your people about a fight to the death. But anyway, I must be off. I have a man who really needs me to sell him a Dutch oven.
Christopher Walken walks through a wall and disappears. Ten shakes his head sadly.
TEN
I’m deeply sorry about that, but clearly, Corey has already begun to disrupt the Temporospatial flow of the universe. Come on, let’s go.
Ten twists some dials, pulls some levers, and does a hop and a step. A cool warp effect is seen as the Tardis special effect plays, along with the awesome sound that goes with. When normalcy is returned, TacoMagic has been replaced by BACONTINI, and the Tardis looks suspiciously like The Heart of Gold.
BACONTINI
Bacontini confused. Bacontini was wit de ladies wit all de obtuse angels, and now Bacontini here. Bacontini suspect a massive link.
(everyone laughs)
What? Why everyone laugh at Bacontini?
LAURELHACH
A door for you, Bacontini!
(she turns to everyone else)
Clearly, Corey has been messing with the posts. He must have erased all trace of TacoMagic, but forgot to get rid of the next closest thing: Bacontini. So that’s why he’s here. Come on, let’s go outside. We should have arrived at You Suck at Craigslist Volume 704. Come on, let’s get out.
Everyone crowds out of the Tardis, into a dark room.
SCENE 3 – YSAC VOL. 704: I WANT YOUR SEX … SORT OF
Everyone crowds into a dark, mysterious room that is completely black. Suddenly, a white sheet of paper appears in mid-air, and the voice of DRMK booms throughout.
DRMK’S VOICE
“YOU MAY NOT TOUCH!!! – w4m – 35
please help me find a man to fill out my fantasy!
i am a luxury women five feet five inches with dd boobs wanting a man to fill out my fantasy. hubby is gone for two weeks so i need to ASAP! the deal is that you will come too my house and get my off but YOU MAY NOT TOUCH. i dont’ believe in masterbation so i wont’ be touching me neither and you MUST NOT TOUCH ME OR YOUR” SELF.
this is not for sex this is just for good clean orgams with no touching or masterbating.
COME AND GET IT BOYS!!!!”
Huh. You know, I’m no expert on sex, but I always thought there was touching involved. Is our luxury women looking for psychic sex?
Her: “That’s right, baby, think me faster. Ooooh, I love it when you think me like that. Think me harder, baby. Harder!”
Him: “I’m already thinking about physics! I can’t think much harder!”
Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not working for me. (I mean, physics is hot and all, but … ) Is this like the Baptist who didn’t believe in oral sex?
Thanks, The Fool!
The sound of deep, booming laughter resonates throughout the room. The voice of KELLI speaks. (All voices that speak should sound extremely disconcerting and eerie.)
KELLI’S DISEMBODIED VOICE
She wants a man to come to her house and get “my off,” but not to touch her. Hmm, oh I get it now! She wants him to clean her oven, obviously.
TACO’S DISEMBODIED VOICE
No, no, no! She wants him to come over and coat her down with insect repellent spray.
KELLI’S VOICE
Why would she want her goose sprayed with insect repellant?
ISAAC
(whispering. Also, deadpan.)
This is freaking me out. You have no idea how disturbing a feeling this is.
The voices continue to read out the comments for the day, slowly warping and getting stranger.
DAN
Erm, not to question you, Doctor, but why exactly are we here?
TEN
Good question. I sensed Corey has been here, and we’re waiting to see what kind of damage he’s done. We won’t have to do this for all of the posts, but I want to get an idea for all the havoc he’s wreaking first.
Suddenly, all the voices are replaced by the voice of DEPRESSEY.
DEPRESSEY’S VOICE
I’d kinda like the memory of reading that erased.
DRMK
Holy Depressey, Batman.
DEPRESSEY’S VOICE
So. Many. Unpleasant. Images.
So, in order to have safe psychic sex, do you have to wear a diaphram on your head?
It’d be like a little hat. A gross little hat.
SPARKY
Drmk, I’m scared. Will you hold me? But don’t touch me!
DRMK
Sparky, don’t be an asshat.
ISAAC
Also, Taco wrote it wrong. There’s a g in diaphragm.
TACO’S VOICE
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!
DRMK
(snort)
TEN
C’mon, let’s go. We’re going way back, all the way to YSaC, Vol. III.
Everyone gets back in the Tardis, which promptly disappears from the scene, which was almost beginning to form into the familiar shapes of the snark lounge. Only Sparky remains.
SPARKY
H-hello? Hello? I’M SCARED
DISEMBODIED VOICE OF COREY
(Ominous laughter)
The scene zooms out and fades to black as Sparky curls into the fetal position.
SCENE 5 – SERIOUSLY, NOT. A. LION.
The familiar shapes of the snark lounge are all present as the screen fades in from black. Wait, no, they’re not. (Gotcha!) The lounge is quite austere, containing only the memorial to the Not.A.Lion., the Lion and Giraffe wall hangings, the Chester Drawers, and the classy green nahojahige couch. Also, the walls are decorated in a floral print. The Tardis appears, now looking like the USS Enterprise in phonebooth form, and Drmk, MINDFIELD, Dan, Bacontini, Ten, Laurelhach, and Isaac step out. WINDROSE is already in the lounge, sweeping up. She waves at those coming out of the Tardis, but does not speak.
DRMK
Oh, Windrose, good to see you here!
There is no response. Windrose stops sweeping and stares at Drmk, dead-eyed. Bacontini scoots closer to Mindfield.
BACONTINI
Hold Bacontini. Bacontini frightened.
MINDFIELD
Sorry, I don’t hold other guys’ meat puppets.
Windrose advances towards Drmk and flaps her wings, squawking loudly. Everyone steps back, confused, and suddenly the feathers all come off of Windrose, revealing the menacing form of CANDORMAN.
CANDORMAN
#### all of you, you ####-####ing faghoes! HAHAHA! Laugh at me, because glaring racism and homophobia are HILARIOUS!
Drmk steps forward, unafraid.
DAN
You tell him, drmk!
DRMK
Candorman, I hereby IP-Ban you from YouSuckatCraigslist.Com!
Our intrepid heroes wait expectantly as nothing happens.
DRMK
Well, crap.
There is then much gasping as Candorman morphs into a giant carnivorous avian, who squawks and cackles. He advances towards Drmk.
CANDORMAN
Now, I’ve got you right where I want you, AND I WILL CONSUME YOU (No homo)!
Candorman advances towards Drmk who stands unafraid in the face of the troll. He opens his great maw and looms towards Drmk, but at the last minute Dan produces a lightsaber from his pants, and throws it to the llama-nun.
DAN
Drmk, use the lightsaber!
Drmk catches the lightsaber and pushes a strand of hair out of her face. Make the lighting and camera angles cause her to look unequivocally badass.
DRMK
Alright, Candyman, you want vengeance? Well, you’re going to have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Candorman attacks, and the crowd watches (several with 3D glasses) as Drmk engages in an epic battle with him. She cuts him several times with her lightsaber, and Candorman gets in several hits before Drmk finally slices his head off. He flops over one his side and does not move. The crowd cheers, and Dan sweeps Drmk into a romantic kiss which looks highly out of context so as to be funny. Ten taps the two on the shoulders.
DRMK
Can’t you see I’m busy kissing Ewan McGregor here?
TEN
Sorry, but we’ve got a schedule to keep if we want to say [Location]-Ish and YSaC from Corey. Now, we’ve got to scour the room for any clues to your real identity you may have left for Corey to find. Remember, due to the nature of the beast, often these wouldn’t be things that’d show up in text, like a collegiately-themed mousepad, which would show up as the floor.
They all look down to see a mousepad that bears SilvaNoir’s sacrilicious artwork. They begin scouring the room more closely as Bacontini begins to whistle the Law & Order theme.
I don’t get to be in it?
It’s a work in progress, and I’ve left some people out of the cast list because I don’t know who would be the best person to play them. Anyone you’d prefer? After all, this’ll never be a real movie, so it could be anyone not already taken.
I’ve been told I look like Anne Hathaway, but she’s taken. I suppose there’s some joke there about me and EB being the same person, which justifies my claim to her husband from last week, or something…
Natalie Portman?
That’s already Jen.
However, I do think I could work with you both being Anne Hathaway, if I say EB is animated to look exactly like her avatar, and you’d be live action.
Oh, how about Amy Irving for AR? Diane Keaton for me is spot on. *stifles uncontrollable giggles* Ahem. Carry on. Good work, I must say.
I will, of course, be played by a small bear.
It’s OK, you can be Anne Hathaway and I’ll be played by Tina Faye… I’ve been told I look like both of them :-p (But probably more like Tina Faye when I wear my glasses :-p)
Oh, and I forgot to say, excellent work so far!
I love this! How much homework did you not do while you were writing this?
Also, might I request a different actress? *points to avvie* Christina Hendricks, or, failing that, Catherine Deneuve (not really a Jolie fan).
Maybe I missed it, but how did you give Isaac so much screen time but not cast the part?
He did cast the part, Isaac is Ben Stein. 8) It’s a bit down the list, there.
You’re right. (It was late.) That makes me giggle a bit, the casting.
ThreeFour things:One:
Bwahahahahahaha!
Two:
Perfect fit, in my opinion.
Three: I’d like to be played by Jason Statham, please.
Four: Great job so far.
Oh, look, a new euphemism. Just replace “Dan” with whoever you want.
I’ll be in my bunk.
I think I made Drmk mad…
No, not mad … the other thing. The thing where I think about Dan pulling a lightsaber out of his pants.
It’s a line from Firefly… The beautiful, classy space hooker’s new client is a beautiful, (also female) politician, and the big-guns-manly-man sees this, clears his throat, and says “I’ll be in mah bunk.”
It’s those one-line gems that make me adore Joss Whedon.
Oh, Astro, I think Sparky should be either Jack Black or Adam Sandler. That’s just my opinion, though.
Yes, I realize this is my third response to Astro up there, hopefully some of you guys will fill in the space between comments.
Astro made me Kate Winslet. Astro, I love you forever. For. Ev. ER.
Beautimous Astro.
*grumbles about all the stuff I miss when mah internetz is down*
Just read this for the first time three years in the future, and have to adore Astro for this, though he doesn’t seem to be reading any more.
And Uma Thurman, really? Wow.
What a great day! Dave and the ferret, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are!
Geez craigslist is a disaster, I wish Craig would grow some capitalistic balls and sell it to a big web media company that would cleanup all the garbage on it. Here’s a related article.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-NOT-to-Use-a-Cheapo-Web-Designer-Off-Craigslist&id=5601657
“Gifts in Good Taste” but they have inflatable badgers….I question the validity of that statement. Also, that website in general.