YSaC, Vol. 915: That’s entertainment.

2011 February 1

Just like many of you, I have often wondered what it would have been like if e.e.cummings wrote Craigslist posts. Now we know:

free entertaiment old some broke


free/ i can not answer a lot
is big
old fake wood
like the pic

Somewhat unsurprisingly, this literary masterpiece failed to resonate with the Craigslist denizens, who steadfastly refused to acknowledge the conceptualist paradigm of symbolic expressionism. The postmodern refusal to acknowledge latent sexuality creates a juxtaposition of the semiotic discourses surrounding the paradigm of objectivity. The authorial intent is therefore in question: is this a brutalist social commentary?

free this thing to put tv or …

please contact if interested.

The artist’s repetition of the conceptual expression a mere five days later continues to present the viewer with a dilemma; now we become aware of the figure/ground dichotomy and the inherent linguistic paradox. What, exactly, is the nature of free? How may we, as viewers, become free? The item has become predesituated; it does not exist, even though it is.

Thanks, Mackenzie, for sending in both ads!

160 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 February 1
    Random Passer-by permalink

    Sometimes, you just don’t get it, do you?

    Any amateur hostage negotiator could tell you that in the second post, he’s threatening Craigslist:
    “Free this thing to put TV, or [else]…”

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 February 1
      Yancy permalink

      It’s a plea for emancipation.

      The writer of the post is pleading with his or her readers to release this inanimate object from its constraints so it can place other inanimate objects wherever it wants to place them. The writer wants us to stop prohibiting this object from being an interior decorator. I must admit, the last time I allowed my entertainment center to arrange the room I was mostly pleased. I wouldn’t hire this one though, because its choice to place itself on its side in the room reduces its utility.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 1
      LimeLolly permalink

      Or else, ninjas will sneak into your home and replace your existing family with a fake family?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1

        We’ve replaced sparky’s family with this box of low-fat vintage corn flakes. Let’s watch.

        Adores: 8
  2. 2011 February 1

    Note how the photo deconstructs the hegemonic paradigm of “up” and “down,” thereby freeing this thing from gravitocentrism.

    Adores: 11
  3. 2011 February 1

    Sparky, writing under the nom de plume of “Oldsome Broke”, is here offering, as “Free Entertainment”, a starkly magnificent haiku on the very notion of being “Free”:
    [What is] “Free” / I can not answer / [it is] a lot /[it] is big /[like an] old fake wood / like the pic…
    Note the subtext, that “Free” is merely an illusion, the wood it is being compared to is deemed ‘fake’, the pic itself is a deception turned 90 degrees in deliberate distortion of so-called ‘reality’. The second ad comprises a raging counterblast to perceived critical and cultural disdain – [you are] “Free” [to ignore] this thing to put [on the] TV or… [do anything else rather than read searing contemporary poetry, you Philistines]
    Anyway, bottom line, he wants a publishing deal – get in touch if you’re “interested”…

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 1

      Free Entertainment
      I cannot answer a lot
      Is big, old fake wood.

      Adores: 8
  4. 2011 February 1

    Is big,old fake wood,like the pic

    Was this posted in the geriatric personals section by any chance?

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 February 1

      My wood is 100% natural, thank you very much!

      What?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 1
        Addicted Reader permalink

        I’m sure TacoMa’am is very proud of you.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1

          It’s free range and corn fed too! 100% organic!

          Adores: 8
      • 2011 February 1
        Meredith permalink

        “Free Range”: new favorite term for going commando.

        Adores: 12
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          The question that must be asked then is, how hard are you trying not to ask if i tastes like chicken?

          EDIT: In before Taco takes my “how hard are you” out of context.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 1
        Bombdude permalink

        At least it’s big old fake wood…

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1

          Big old fake wood is why you don’t got rummaging around grandma’s cabinets.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1

          don’t got rummaging around grandmaโ€™s cabinets.

          Grandma had a nice rummaging around her cabinet, but we had to remove it. I keep my rummaging around my medicine cabinet.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1

          Curse my fumbly fingers of fulbleness!

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 1

          Is fulbleness when you…

          …what happens upon…

          …hm.

          **waves fingers in a manner reminiscent of Obi-Wan Kenobi**

          Move along.

          Adores: 7
  5. 2011 February 1

    *crawls up to edge of abyss*

    Flu!

    *slides back down to enjoy the pretty colors a temp of 102 brings*

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 February 1
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Feel better!!!! I’ve got strep, and considered the diagnosis good news.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1

        Feel better both of you. I’ll send over some soup and ice cream

        Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 1
      Windrose permalink

      CJ, you need some Fluepowder! It will take you to a better place.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 February 1

        I think you’ve been reading my posts too much, they’re starting to rub off on you.

        But, I guess we can powder CJ’s chimney, not sure how that will help her illness though…

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Windrose permalink

          That could be true, or it could be all these Es I have floating around here. eeeeeeee

          Adores: 3
  6. 2011 February 1

    I’m having the most trouble getting over the fact that Sparky actually spelled ‘a lot’ correctly. Once I’m done reeling from that feat, then maybe I’ll get to looking at the rest of the post. Right now, I’m simply floored.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1

      Are you sure you aren’t “walled” or “ceilinged” considering the orientation of that pic?

      And I think Sparky meant to type “alot” but actually managed to sneak a random, unintended space into the middle.

      Or, on the other hand, perhaps he is unable to answer a “lot” in the way that one is generally unable to answer inanimate objects, their desire to be free notwithstanding.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 1
      CapnMac permalink

      Wait, is Sparky saying they cannot answer a survivor of Sodom & Gommorah?
      Is this some perverse recial or religious prejudice?

      Or something emannating from the last supper belt buckle?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 1
        Addicted Reader permalink

        Took me a while to get that one, Cap’n, but the light bulb finally went on. Well done.

        Adores: 1
  7. 2011 February 1
    Mindfield permalink

    As I look at it, this strikes me more as a piece about rampant consumerism as reflected in the megacorps that cater to it. Look at the low angle at which this was taken, as if to make this … er, unit of some unavailable description look massive, towering over the observer threateningly, and yet the artist wants to give it away, just wants you to have it. Begs you to take it away. This … thing which represents everything that is wrong with our decadent, capitalist society, omnipresent, menacing, reducing our existences to insects crawling at its feet, begging it for more — and here we are given the opportunity to consume as much of it as we want for free. Like a father who catches his child smoking a cigarette and punishes him by making him smoke the whole pack right then and there in the hopes that he’ll get sick and never smoke again, we are to take this … object … as a symbol of consumption to excess, thus becoming sick of our consumerism through furniture and vowing to live the rest of our lives instead giving back.

    It’s a powerful message indeed. It’s also good to put your TV in.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 February 1
      Caro permalink

      Hey, y’all, surfeit’s up!

      Adores: 7
  8. 2011 February 1
    Indigo permalink

    I recently heard about a pile of crap by the side of the road. This would be a fine additon. Don’t put it on the porch… threats of gunshots.

    Adores: 8
  9. 2011 February 1

    This allegorical masterpiece smacks of Ewan McTeagle!

    Not since “Can I have Twenty Pounds to Mend the Shed” has McTeagle come up with such a masterful commentary on the dependence of society on technological progress built on the bones of forgotten historical furniture.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 February 1

      I almost went there.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1
        CapnMac permalink

        Was Angus Podgorney not in the shop to supply y’ a kilt, then?

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 1

          He’s been busy training for Wimbledon since the blamange incident.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      Angel permalink

      The recurrence of this theme of desperate search, for something perhaps symbolic, perhaps half imagined, is central to his greatest work: “Can I have ยฃ50 to mend the shed.”

      Can I have Fifty pounds to mend the shed?
      I’m right on my Uppers.
      I can pay you back
      When I get this postal order from Australia
      Honestly.
      Hope the bladder trouble’s getting better.
      Love, Ewen?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1

        This is why I like this site. Just about any other place where I would make an Ewan McTeagle joke, people would just stare at me and wonder what the heck I was talking about. At work, for instance.

        Here, on the other hand, not only do multiple people understand, but they can quote the bit.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1
          Angel permalink

          That’s one of the many reasons I like this site, too. The people are witty, amusing and eclectic.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          I’m on medication for my eclectsy, now.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 1
          Meredith permalink

          We’re eclectic! BoogieWoogieWoogie!

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 1
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I thought it was just EB that was electric????

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Bombdude permalink

          Iโ€™m on medication for my eclectsy, now

          Wow, Mindfield, I thought you liked your eclectasy. I rather thought you were eclecstatic about it.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          I was, at one point, ecclesiastic about it, but after a few eccles cakes, I was merely eccentric.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1

          In the Eyebrow household, we use the world “neglectic” to describe items such as one finds on C/L ads that suck.

          Adores: 3
  10. 2011 February 1
    Windrose permalink

    At first look, I thought this was a really tall entertainment thingie. But now I see it’s normal size. And it looks more like a two-handle family credenza.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2011 February 1
    Todd permalink

    Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one was entertained by it. And for free.

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 February 1
      LimeLolly permalink

      I could sit and stare at it for hours.

      Maybe days, depending on what’s in my glass.

      Adores: 6
  12. 2011 February 1
    LaKitta permalink

    The title of the first ad reads like the sign outside a geriatric strip club. (I am also feverish – and now, nauseous…)

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 1
      LimeLolly permalink

      Hope you feel better. And geriatric or not… take a nap. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 1

        Warning: Nausea imminent.

        geriatric strip club.

        Is that where Grampdaddy’s been?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          Is a geriatric strip club one which specialises in geriatric clientele, or *ahem* service professionals? I’m actually not sure which is squickier, as the law side of my brain is trying to decide which is a bigger human rights breach.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1

          Depends. Which would you prefer to imagine Grampdaddy as: clientele or *ahem* gymnast?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          I tried to think about that, but my brain revolted* and is now thinking about coefficients and economies of scale, because it knows how much I hate economics and stats. You win this time, brain!!!!

          *ok, it’s always revolting. But now, more so!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Depends.

          Is that a geriatrics joke?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          Nah, he pulled it off with too much Poise for that. Unless I’m just being a prune prude.

          Adores: 2
  13. 2011 February 1

    [OT]
    My Bionic Commando perler bead project made the Sprite Stitch spotlight a bit over a week ago! I’m giddy with geekyness!
    [/OT]

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 1
      NotMyName permalink

      Thank goodness it wasn’t the remake, that one was terrible.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 1

        No kidding. Like FFX2, I pretend the remake doesn’t exist. Simiarly I pretend the arcade version doesn’t exist either.

        There was only one Bionic Commando. It was 8-bit, and it was glorious.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          NotMyName permalink

          I hate to burst your bubble, but they’re making a sequel to the remake.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1

          *Drops to his knees* Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          [Translation] DO NOT WANT [/translation]

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1
          Meredith permalink

          Wait, what about the one with the big guy, and he has that massive gun, and…oh, I see what you did there. Nevermind.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Meredith – that’s a remake too

          Adores: 1
  14. 2011 February 1
    Mindfield permalink

    “What d’ya s’pose it is, Verl?”
    Pank regarded it with the same degree of curiosity he had done for the last two days. He had yet to figure out what it was, so he called his friend Verl over to see if he had any idea.
    “Not a got-dang clue, Pank,” Verl said, stroking his goateed chin in puzzlement. “Never seen th’like. Where’d ya get it?”
    “That’s just it,” Pank replied. “I didn’t. Woke up th’other mornin’, came down t’make me some breakfast, ‘n there it was, just sittin’ there like ‘at. No explanation, just, there it was.”
    It was made of wood, he knew that. Not real wood, though, or at least, not wood in any form a tree would recognize. It was as if someone had glued a bunch of sawdust back together and made something out of it. He just had no idea what.
    “Reckon y’put things in it?” asked Verl.
    “Well, yeah,” Pank said. “I figgered that’s what them doors were for. Dunno what, though. Can’t figger out that middle part.”
    “Got a plank across the back there,” Verl observed.
    “Yep,” Pank agreed.
    “Like it’s s’posed t’stop somethin’ from fallin’ through,” Verl continued.
    “Yep,” Pank nodded.
    “Like it could be a chair,” Verl posited.
    Pank thought about it. That did make a kind of sense, he supposed, though there was a bit of a problem with that idea. “No arms, though,” he offered. “Don’t look none too sturdy, neither.”
    Verl nodded and hummed his agreement. “Wood looks funny, too.”
    “Looks t’be made o’ sawdust,” Pank explained.
    Verl raised an eyebrow. “It’s like the ground beef o’ wood.”
    “Got that right.”
    “Uh-huh.”
    The pair stroked their chins as they looked at it more.
    “So what’r y’gonna do with it?” Verl asked.
    “Dunno,” Pank responded.
    “Could sell it,” Verl suggested.
    “Gotta be able to tell people what it is though.”
    Verl hummed in agreement again, and the two lapsed into another round of staring at it.
    “Can’t hang yer clothes in it,” Verl said.
    “Nope,” Pank replied.
    They stared at it some more.
    “Could prob’ly put yer beer cases in the middle there,” Verl suggested.
    Pank nodded. “Could do.”
    More staring.
    “Well,” Verl threw up his hands. “Got me stumped.”
    “Hey, Pank!” called a voice from outside.
    “Hey, it’s Marg come for a visit,” Pank said to Verl, and then in a louder to Marg, “Come on in here, let’s get a woman’s perspective on this.”
    Marg opened the screen door and walked in. “What can I do fur ya?”
    “What do ya reckon that is,” Pank said, pointing at the wooden thing.
    Marg looked it up and down for several moments. “Looks like some kinda chair,” she suggested.
    “Nope, don’t think so,” Pank replied.
    Marg stared at it for a few more moments. “Could put your beer in the middle there,” she offered.
    Pank nodded. “Yep. Thought o’ that, but I don’t think that’s what it’s mean fur.”
    The trio continued to stare at it as though their growing power in numbers could collectively divine its purpose.
    “Oh!” Marg exclaimed and then dashed outside. Pank and Verl exchanged a curious look, shrugged at each other, then turned toward the door expectantly. After several minutes of rustling sounds and a bit of strained grunting, Marg came back in through the screen door carrying several large and apparently heavy bags.
    “Whatcha got there?” Pank asked.
    “Just you wait,” Mark replied, rummaging through each of the bags. One by one she went from bag to furniture until, after several minutes, she stood back with a proud look on her face. “Ta-da!” she sang.
    Pank marveled at it. “Well, I’ll be dipped in shellac,” he exclaimed.
    “If that don’t beat all,” Varl said in wonder.
    From every space hung meat. In the smaller cabinets to each side were were strips of beef hung from the top of each shelf. In the center, a large hock was suspended by several strands of butcher’s twine.
    “Now,” Marg beamed, “You have a jerky hut.”

    Pank never did find out where his jerky hut came from, and he was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, even if he never saw his benefactor or had any clue as to why he gave it away. All Pank knew was, from then on, he had the best jerky in the county.

    Adores: 20
    • 2011 February 1
      sarajean80 permalink

      Itโ€™s like the ground beef oโ€™ wood.

      This is why I think you are a genius.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 February 1
        Angel permalink

        That phrase struck me as hilarious, too!

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 1
        Mindfield permalink

        Aw, thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚ On a related note, I’m quite certain I’ve had chipboard burgers at a few places.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          I read that as ‘chipmunk’ burgers and simultaneously went “ooh interesting and potentially nommy! Want!” and “aww, poor widdle Theodore!”

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          “Dave? What are you eating dave? Can I have some? Where’s Theodore?”

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1

          But Simon, the wisest of the chipmunks, saw what his caretaker had done, and remarked (in between bouts of nausea), “I’m afraid I can’t let you eat that, Dave.”

          Adores: 9
    • 2011 February 1

      I’m just amazed that Marg has several large bags of meat waiting to be jerked.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 1
        Bombdude permalink

        Doesn’t everybody?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1

          I, for one, certainly have a meat sack waiting to be jerked.

          I’ll be in the corner.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1

          I think we should spring for the brain bleach sprinkler system. Sure, it’ll probably make it even worse if we ever have a fire in here, but how often does that happen?

          **looks at all the stuff in the Snark Lounge.**

          Then again, we’re probably screwed in a fire regardless.

          So, brain bleach?

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          Which brings up an interesting point. Meat can be subject to the machinations of jerk-style cooking, a process which could be referred to as jerking. (eg. “Don’t bother me, I’m jerking the chicken.”) However, meat can also be turned into jerky, a process which could be referred to as jerking, or jerky-ing, or jerkifying. (eg. “I’m jerking the beef, now, would you like to help?”)

          So what is the process called when you make jerk jerkey?

          Yeah … I’ll call the plumbers, see if we can’t get that brain bleach sprinkler system installed.

          Adores: 3
  15. 2011 February 1
    Meredith permalink

    OT: I have now changed my picture to reflect Astro’s screenplay yesterday. Thing is, now I think I look more like real-life Lola! And now I know who Lola reminds me of…teh Winslet! Vavoom.

    Adores: 3
  16. 2011 February 1

    It took me many looks to realise that the picture was sideways. This bodes well for my classes today.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 February 1
      Mindfield permalink

      Wow. You know, I didn’t even realize that either. I was trying to put the bits together and thought that maybe the thing obscuring the top left corner was a detatched saloon-style door for the TV part of the cabinet, and the floral thing was a randomly placed tablecloth or something.

      Now I’m dizzy.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1
      Meredith permalink

      It’s sideways???

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 1
        NotMyName permalink

        You know, I was going to make a comment on how the table and chair must be on the wall, but thought it was a bad idea because I felt that everyone had noticed the table and chair.

        Apparently, I was wrong.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1

          It’s Topsy Turvy post!

          TOPSY TURVY, TOPSY TURVY!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          sarajean80 permalink

          I thought it was all the whiskey I had this morning.

          (I have a bad cough and have been using a home remedy prescribed by Dr. Mom – two parts whiskey to one part honey. After the third dose you kinda stop caring about your cough.)

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 February 1

          That’s the way the best medications work. It doesn’t take away your symptoms, it just makes you not care that you have them.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 1
        Meredith permalink

        SJ, I think you have just helped me find the ultimate cure for my boyfriends real or imagined illnesses. He’s always picking up some bug, and when he isn’t, he still thinks he’s sick. One tiny sneeze and he’s sure he’s got the flu coming on.

        Anyway, I usually make him tea with honey and lemon. But he’s got a real fondness for whiskey, especially with the job he has currently (major suck).

        This combines the power of the honey with the “don’t give a shit” of the whiskey! Everybody wins!

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 1

          Better yet, combine Tillamore Dew with Celtic Crossing Honey Liqueur.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1

          Indeed. And since symptoms are frequently your body’s way to get rid of whatever is currently irking your systems, medications that suppress said symptoms sometimes just keep you sick a little longer. Thus, treating your attitude is sometimes preferable to treating your symptoms.

          My Dr. Mom’s rule was ginger ale, saltines, aspirin and (if tolerated) soup for 24 hours. Then, if no improvement was observed, we’d go consult a doctor.

          …I pretty much never ended up seeing a doctor.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 1
          sarajean80 permalink

          She was pretty much the same way, Moira – if symptoms lasted longer than a day without getting better or became worse within that time, we went to a doctor. Otherwise it was rest and plenty of fluids. Even now I very rarely have to go to a doctor unless it’s something serious. I was taking aspirin when I had a fever but it was gone this morning leaving me with just this damned cough. It’s probably a virus or something that a real doctor would charge me too much to tell me that it will clear up in a few days on it’s own. Dr. Mom did give my lungs a listen with her stethoscope and couldn’t hear anything out of the ordinary, so that’s good. I just want the coughing to stop long enough that I can get a little sleep. Dr. Mom’s prescription is good for that as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

          Meredith – FYI, don’t use the good stuff for this, I have a bottle of the cheap stuff solely for coughs. The honey masks most of the flavor so there’s no point wasting the good stuff on a cough.

          :wanders off to take another dose of Dr. Mom’s Famous Cough Suppressant:

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 1

          I keep bottles and both good and bad stuff around. After two drinks of the good stuff, likely you won’t notice the difference if you switch it up with the bad…

          And depending on how good the good stuff is, you might not even need two drinks to get you there.

          Adores: 6
  17. 2011 February 1

    Must find helmet before Windy punches me later.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 February 1
      Camille permalink

      Looks to me as though you’re already wearing a helmet of some sort.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 1

        It’s an animal type hat that Anime/manga obsessed kids wear.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          NotMyName permalink

          Only some Anime/manga obsessed kids have them. I, however, do not feel like wearing a fuzzy pikachu around on my head all day.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1

          How about a moose?

          There’s one girl in my theory class who had a moose. This one guy who’s something of a diva would always make fun of it.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1

          Sorry NMN, I thought I had written some, but I obviously did not.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Do you think I could get one of those moose hats?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Gee, LRC, a Moose wearing a moose hat is a bit much.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 February 1
      Windrose permalink

      kelli, here’s a paper hat I made for you in case you don’t find the helmet. 8)

      Adores: 2
  18. 2011 February 1

    On the cutting edge of home decoration: Lime green is the new eggshell, and sideways is the new vertical.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 February 1
      Jen permalink

      I managed to convince my parents to paint one wall of the office a brilliant lime green (partly on the grounds that ‘you’ll never be sleepy in here now!’) but then I also wanted them to paint my old bedroom deep purple and light blue, with bright yellow trim*. Oh, and this was four years ago. But even I wouldn’t be so silly as to put furniture on its side and chairs in the wall! Maybe Sparky heard about foldaway beds and came up with an amazing** solution to his cramped bedsit?

      *Mama said no. ๐Ÿ™
      **actual amazement guaranteed.

      Adores: 2
  19. 2011 February 1

    There is nothing wrong with your furniture, do not attempt to adjust the Feng Shui. We control the walls and the floor. We can deluge you with a thousand pieces of fine China, or fill the central area with a collection of NASCAR commemorative plates, and more. We can mount the ottom to any surface we desire. For the next hour we will control all your shabby sheek furnishings. You are about the experience the awe and mystery that reaches from the deepest French Prudential to…

    THE KITCHEN HUTCH!

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 February 1

      Multitudinous doors playing theremin music, Taco.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1

      In Feng Shui, wood and green represent strength and prosperity, respectively. Sparky is sh*t out of luck. “Fake wood” and “free” do not strength and prosperity make.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 1

        Fake wood represents the downfall of strength, and free represents tight fisted economy…

        So the decor speaks very much that football team captain you knew in high school who now works as assistant manager of the quick-e-lube.

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1
        CapnMac permalink

        Given that the last day of the Year of the Not.A.Lion is Wednesday, and the Year of the Wabbit takes up on Thursday, it’s a good time to get one’s feng shui swquared away.

        Given too, the present “snowmaggedon” in much of the country, feng shui probably good for cabin fever, too.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1

      We can deluge you with a thousand pieces of fine China,

      Having recently read “The Country Wife,” this part made me giggle in an inappropriate manner.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 1

        And I apparently changed my name when I wasn’t looking. I also came close to putting a bandaid on the wrong finger today.

        Adores: 2
  20. 2011 February 1
    Mackenzie permalink

    I completely missed that those ads were for the same item. Great commentary!

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1

      You gave me the e.e.cummings idea. I went insane shortly thereafter. Thanks for the submissions!

      Adores: 3
  21. 2011 February 1

    [Slightly Matt] How dare you make fun of this poster who is doing all he can to free Entertainment and This Thing. Can a man no longer work to free those unjustly held without people making fun of him simply because his grammer is less than stellar? So what if his picture is sideways, do you know how hard it is to tell which way is up which you’ve inhaled marker fumes for hours making Free Entertainment and Free This Thing signs? I agree with him, we must free Entertainment and This Thing. [/matt]

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 1

      We should probably free alot of things while we’re at it. I’m tired of seeing that poor creature locked up :(.

      Adores: 6
  22. 2011 February 1
    CapnMac permalink

    I’m still coping with the man’s inhumanity in lime green paint &ltow,my eyes!>

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      LimeLolly permalink

      It’s not easy being green.

      *sigh*

      Adores: 4
  23. 2011 February 1

    Since more of you will see it here, I’d like to respond to the responses on the latest update to the YSaC: The Motion Picture screenplay with the new cast list. Principal characters (in other words, people who I’ve already figured out what their roles are and whether or not they’re particularly important roles. If you’re not bolded, there’s a good chance I just have no idea how to work you in yet) are bolded.

    TACOMAGIC โ€“ PAUL GIAMATTI
    DRMK โ€“ SIGOURNEY WEAVER
    DAN โ€“ EWAN MCGREGOR
    SPARKY โ€“ WILL FERRELL
    AL SHARPTON โ€“ MORGAN FREEMAN
    CAPTAIN PICARD โ€“ PATRICK STEWART
    COREY โ€“ JIM PARSONS
    ATTILA THE HUN โ€“ PATRICK GALLAGHER
    BENJAMIN DISRAELI โ€“ HUGH LAURIE (BUT WITH A BEARD)

    CHRISTOPHER WALKEN โ€“ HIMSELF
    ASTROGNASH โ€“ VINCENT MARTELLA
    INNANA โ€“ UMA THURMAN
    IRREGULAR FRACTAL โ€“ NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
    LOLA โ€“ CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

    MEREDITH โ€“ KATE WINSLET
    CAPNMAC โ€“ MEL GIBSON
    ISAAC โ€“ BEN STEIN

    SARAJEAN80 โ€“ JANEANE GAROFALO
    LAURELHACH โ€“ KIRSTEN DUNST
    GRAMPDADDY โ€“ ADAM WEST
    MANDAB โ€“ JANE KACZMAREK

    LURKREALCLOSE โ€“ JOAN CUSACK
    ARTSY COMPUTER GEEK โ€“ MALINDA GATES
    GRAHAMT โ€“ NATHAN FILLION
    BIANCHI SOUND โ€“ GIOVANNI RIBISI
    SILVANOIR โ€“ VOICED BY LUCY LIU, BUT ANIMATED
    BRIDGETE โ€“ AUDREY TATOU
    MINDFIELD โ€“ CHARLES NORRIS, ESQ.
    WINDROSE โ€“ DIANE KEATON

    DAVE AND THE FERRET โ€“ JASON ISAACS
    LIMELOLLY โ€“ PIPER PERABO (VOICED BY WHOEVER DOES THE VOICE OF THE GEICO GECKO)
    MUDSLICKER โ€“ SANDRA BULLOCK
    HAMCAN โ€“ RUSSELL CROWE
    SPAMCAN โ€“ RUSSELL CROWE
    BACONTINI โ€“ JONATHAN GOLDSMITH
    DEPRESSY โ€“ ROBIN WILLIAMS
    TEN โ€“ DAVID TENNANT
    ECLECTICBLUE โ€“ TINA FAYE

    KELLI โ€“ FELICIA DAY
    JEN โ€“ NATALIE PORTMAN
    ARCHED EYEBROWS โ€“ LISA EDELSTEIN
    CJ โ€“ CATE BLANCHETT
    CHRISTINA โ€“ COURTNEY LOVE
    MR. WINKEY โ€“ TOM HANKS
    CANDORMAN โ€“ DANNY DEVITO
    ADDICTED READER – ANNE HATHAWAY

    NOTMYNAME – JASON STATHAM
    BOMBDUDE – ADAM SAVAGE

    If you have any issues with casting, then let me know. Not that it truly matters, as this thing is far too insular to actually ever be a movie.

    Also, I’d like to make a note that a good portion of you may not actually end up in the screenplay, at least not with any speaking line, because, let’s face it, that’s a lot of people whose writing styles I’d have to attempt to emulate. Expect scene 6 within a week or two, depending on whether or not I can think of something to write.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 February 1

      I think you’ve done an awesome job so far and I look forward to reading more.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 1
      Jen permalink

      You’re expecting Ol’ Russ to take on TWO characters? I dunno, playing Hamcan and then making the deep emotional shift to play the more nuanced and subtle (not to mention spiced!) Spamcan might be outside his capabilities.

      Edit: Oh and I totally echo kelli’s comment about the awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 1

      I approve of my actor… provided he wears the constable outfit from “The Illusionist.”

      Also: Why am I listed above the illustrious duo? Should not they top the list? It feels sacrilegious for me to be in that spot, sort of like sitting in the king’s throne while he’s away beating the serf.

      Perhaps it’s in order of appearance?

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1
      Camille permalink

      My only issue is that you didn’t cast me. ๐Ÿ™ Was my audition that bad?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 1

        I couldn’t think of anyone. I don’t really know the names of a lot of actresses, and you weren’t given an actress way back when the list started as Innana* listing who she heard reading our posts in her head and then snowballed into this. Anyone you’d prefer?

        *I think. It may very well have been someone else.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Camille permalink

          I would like to be played either by Holly Hunter or by a small bear. Your choice. Thank you.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          What if you were played by Holly Hunter playing a small bear playing Camille??

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          Meredith permalink

          “I would like to be played either by Holly Hunter or by a small bear.”

          Fits of giggles now. Thank you for finishing off my workday on a high note.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 1
          CapnMac permalink

          Ooh, Holly hunter in a bear suit (or her bare suit from Saving Grace <yummy>)

          Dang it, jen beat me to it!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          It’s the time difference – everything happens here hours before it happens to y’all.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          IMdB is your friend.

          Adores: 0
        • 2014 March 16
          Innana permalink

          Twas I!

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 February 1

      I meant to bold Laurelhach, by the way, considering she serves as one of the group’s guides through time.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      Meredith permalink

      You can work me in by making me the sexy, mysterious, hip, offbeat, refined, brilliant female lead with impeccable taste in music.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 February 1

        Played by Judy Garland during her “Gunslinger” years.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Meredith permalink

          AAAAAH, NO. NO JUDY GARLAND!* Blech, Patooie!

          *Possibly the only classic actress I can NOT stand. Oh MAN do I hate her! And no, I don’t like The Wizard of Oz.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1

          I had a feeling, actually.

          Sometimes it’s the subtle zings that I enjoy the most :).

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 1
      CapnMac permalink

      Actually, CPT Dale Dye would carry off my moustache better than mel (and would be less likely to be in altercations with LE).

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      I hope my part wasn’t a hard on to cast.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1

      Figured I’d post Scene 6.

      SCENE 6 โ€“ THE ORBITING TECHNOLOGICAL CAVE OF WONDERS

      The screen fades back in to a view from orbit of the Earth. A moon โ€“ no, wait, a space station โ€“ comes into view. On the side is printed in big letters โ€œU.S.S. Euphemismโ€. The Enterprise is in the space stationโ€™s docking bay. The camera zooms in on the docking bay, and pans forward in time to see Drmk, Dan, CAPTAIN PICARD, Mindfield, MR. WINKEY, CAPNMAC, and ECLECTICBLUE step out of the Enterprise, all looking extremely confused.

      MINDFIELD
      (taking Mr. Winkeyโ€™s hand off of his arm.)
      You have no idea how much Iโ€™d appreciate an explanation. I mean, I was fine when I suddenly appeared, I get that this is supposed to be random and zany, but for the love of Spice Christ, why Mr. Winkey?

      MR. WINKEY
      (winks at the camera)
      Beats me. I was in the middle of trying to stalk Taco, and then all of a sudden Iโ€™m here.
      (Mr. Winkey giggles girlishly.)

      CAPNMAC
      What I think is that the Tardis must have been exposed to some ultrared radiation a la deus ex machina, quid pro quo, lorem ipsem. So, we were apparated aboard, and have been thoroughly Picarded.

      A door slides open, and HAMCAN walks out. Heโ€™s wearing a red Star Fleet uniform, and carries a cap gun in his holster. He sees the motley crew, and his expression lights up.

      HAMCAN
      Oh, good, I see youโ€™ve all made it! Just in time, too! Youโ€™re certainly cutting things close though.

      DRMK
      Iโ€™m sorry, what?

      HAMCAN
      (looks quizzically at Captain Picard.)
      Havenโ€™t they been briefed on what Iโ€™m to help them with?

      PICARD
      Not yet. They were late leaving Volume 3, and I barely had time to get rid of Disraeli.

      ECLECTICBLUE
      What?

      HAMCAN
      Unfortunately, that Doctor was not who you thought he was. That was actually Benjamin Disraeli. We have the real doctor here. Disraeli replaced him midtravel using the same morphing device Candorman used. He tried to stall you coming here until it was too late for you to arrive in time. Come on, Iโ€™ll keep explaining as we walk, but the clock in San Dimas is still running, so we need to move.

      The group follow HamCan through the doors. Before the camera follows them, Captain Picard attempts to get back on the Enterprise, but a shadowy figure jumps from the shadows, and the camera cuts away, showing the two silhouettes tussling for a moment before a shout comes from Picard and the motion stops. The camera cuts to the next scene.
      ______________________________________________________

      Also, for those interested, here’s a link to the post where we started casting each other, so you can see what trains of though lead to many of you being cast. So for many of you, you can in fact blame Mudsy.

      http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=5034#comment-55511

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 1

        And CapnMac, if you could provide me with something more authentic than that, I’d appreciate it.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      Mindfield permalink

      I’m played by Chuck Norris. Chuck. Goddamn. Norris. Awesome.

      And so fitting, too, seeing as a bus just rode me home.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 February 1
        NotMyName permalink

        Are we talking old actiony Chuck Norris, or modern infomercial Chuck Norris?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1

          Depends on which one Mindfield would rather be, although I suspect he prefers old actiony Chuck Norris.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          A Chuck Norris who never goes anywhere without a set of backup fists is the only Chuck Norris. Ever.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 1

      Astro, thank you for casting me with such a lovely young actress as Lisa! Having no idea who she was, I googled her to learn more. Apparently, she plays a smart hottie much of the time. *gasp* How ever did you know? It’s like you have a crystal ball. And when asked during an interview what actor she is just dying to work with, she stated Clint Eastwood. Hah! Mr. Eyebrows is a dead ringer for (a mid-50s) Clint Eastwood. It’s a small world, no?

      Also, what a wonderful project you have undertaken! It will be smashing, I have no doubt, and will receive excellent reviews from the YSaC consortium. Carry on, young man.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 2
      Caro permalink

      I think my sporadic zingers would be best served by Paxton Whitehead in drag — pink geometric drag.

      Adores: 0
  24. 2011 February 1
    Addicted Reader permalink

    Between the intense green in the picture and the pain in my throat and ears, I’ve been robbed of all capacity for coherent commentary. Seriously, that color should be illegal, except for funhouses.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 1
      Mindfield permalink

      Not even in funhouses. That colour would suck the fun right out of it. I’d wager whoever lives in that house though must be really thin, because that colour is an awesome appetite suppressant/emetic.

      Adores: 4
  25. 2011 February 1
    Mindfield permalink

    [OT] Holing up for Snowmageddon 2011. Supposed to get 20-30cm or more overnight. Not massive taken by itself, but 12″ overnight is a pretty wicked storm. I’m not looking forward to the parking lot/bumper car arena the roads will be tomorrow morning, and with the crappy way I’ve been sleeping lately, and given how I’ll probably have to leave an hour earlier tomorrow morning, I’ll probably have to go to bed in about two hours ago.

    Stay safe ‘n warm everyone.
    [/OT]

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 1

      I’ll echo that last sentence.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 1

        I’ll sentence that last echo.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I’ll last that sentence echo.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 1
          Yoda permalink

          That last sentence echo I will.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 1
          Mindfield permalink

          Dead, Dave, everyone is.

          Er, sorry, wrong show.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1
          Jen permalink

          Everybody. Dead, Dave, everybody is. Gave me nightmares that did. Senile sentient processors begone!

          Sorry, smeghead Jen will go to her corner now.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 1
          Moira permalink

          SMEEEEEEEEG HEEEEEEEEEED

          If you want me, I’ll be up in my room, covered in taramasalata…

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 2
          CapnMac permalink

          I find it annoying that hulu does not have any episodes of Red Dwarf at all.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 February 1
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Re: Snowmageddon 2011 OT: a haiku

      It snowed all day here
      Tomorrow it will snow more
      I took the day off

      I’ll that last sentence echo.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 1
        Laurelhach permalink

        I went out to sled
        The hills were not slick enough
        No slide, just faceplant

        Adores: 3
  26. 2011 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, all you snow-bound snarkers, I expect to read great things from you tomorrow.

    kelli, here’s your wooden Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Highlands!

    Adores: 1

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