YSaC, Vol. 1068: I’m waiting for the man.
Sighned BIBLE
I have a sighned bible from “the man himself”! Make offer on this item. I have read it about 3 times it’s pretty lame! Anyways leave email with your offer!!
This has to have been the best book signing ever. Can’t you just picture “the man himself”, sitting at a crappy folding table in the back of your local Barnes and Noble? A small metal sign on a pole at the front of the store announces: “Today – 2 P.M. Book signing by God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and Earth, Infinite and Omnipotent, I Am That I Am, Lord of Hosts, Alpha and Omega, Everlasting Father and Ruler of the Cosmos. 3 P.M. – Storytime with Happy the Clown.”
Meanwhile in the back corner wedged between the Starbucks and the bathroom, Jehovah is sitting between stacks of books with a line of a dozen or so people waiting to get their copies autographed. His publicist stands behind him on her cell phone, periodically reminding him to contain his boredom while interacting with the fans.
“Who should I sign it to?”
“Yes, I liked that part in Habakkuk too.”
“No, I don’t know when the sequel is coming out.”
“No, I don’t sign body parts.”
“If you think it’s so lame, why are you in the line?”
Thanks for the image, Ross!
Hey Sparky:
HERE’S YOUR SIGHN!!!!
Sorry for the screaming so early in the am.
The big guy signed mine. I will treasure his inscription forever:
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god,
Whatever you perceive him to be – hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up!
“Deteriorata” – National Lampoon
The scene – the Ethereal Book Store and Candle Shop.
At a table, in front of a large stack of Bibles sits….God.
He yawns and Ethiopia disappears.
“Oops..my bad. I’ll put it back later. I am, after all, Me.”
A nervous young woman stands sweating in line.
I wonder if He knows what I did last night…and the night before…and, just what did I do last Tuesday that everyone keeps texting me about?
The line moves slowly as people keep asking not only for His autograph, but help with winning the lottery, getting the girl/boy/job/promotion.
God is beginning to look a bit irritated as he leans over to his publicist, the Archangel Michael, and whispers something. The young woman strains to hear, but she is too far away and God speaks really softly for being such a big man.
And He is not just big, He is huge. Even sitting down, He towers over the crowd, his long, silver hair and piercing blue eyes make her almost forget her aversion to older men…and that He is the Almighty.
Her turn comes to get her book signed and as she walks up to the table God locks his eyes on her and won’t let go.
Was that amusement she saw?
“So, Beth, what would you like me to write in The Book for you?”
Momentarily taken aback that He knows her name, Beth recovers in time to stammer, “Umm…I guess just ‘Best Wishes Beth.’
God nods and writes in the Bible, closes the cover and hands it to her.
“Now, Beth, don’t read that until you get to your car.”
Beth’s hands shake as she takes the Bible from God. She turns to leave the store, unable to think about anything but getting to the parking lot so she can read the inscription that God…yes, God himself…has written in her Bible.
She drops her keys, twice, as she tries to unlock the car door. Finally successful, she gets into the driver’s seat and flips open the Bible.
“To Beth, know this above all else – there were fifteen commandments, and Moses always was a klutz. Best Wishes figuring out what the other five were. Hugs, God”
-Overheard at a book sighning-
da Vinci?
Yeah, I put him together from a bunch of spare parts I had in various labs, worked out quite well actually.
Mozart?
He was supposed to be a carpenter, but I spilled a jar of comp’ on him.
Richard Simmons?
Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve got something special planned at the Rapture to make up for it.
Have a nice day. 🙂
Think of all of the theological questions that would be resolved if we only knew which version the Lord had signed. Is God a KJV-only-ist, or is He okay with the NIV? And what about the deuterocanonical books?
…and just what is up with that Thomas dude?
I think the Almighty is pissed about that apocrypha thing.
I hope he took a red pen and marked all the appropriate edits as well as signing it.
I’m going to the Sparky version of the Lake of Fire: The Fake of Liar.
edit: wow, ysac is bossy today. It just put my response wherever it wanted to.
We’ve angered the profits, er prophets by our blasphemy and they’re f’ing with our site. The locusts and pus-filled boils come next.
I’d prefer Bob Seger’s version of the Lake of Fire, Fire Lake…sounds like a good time.
My all time fav: Taco’s Pudding of Fire.
I must have it! It’d look great next to my signed copies of the Bhagavad Gītā and the Necronomicon.
Don’t forget the Lovecraft shelf too. Although my copy of Call is still a bit slimy from the signing.
My copy of Kafka’s Metamorphosis was pretty much a goner too.
Oh, it’s lame? That makes me want it more!
There’s nothing like making disparaging remarks regarding the item you’re try to get people to give you money for to make it that much more attractive. Just like those
idiotsfine young gentlemen who insult pretty girls so they will sleep with them. There’s no way that could fail!I am neither pretty nor a girl, but I’ve had that one tried on me, too.
I’m sure in the right light and with an adequate amount of alcohol, you and the ferrets look very pretty.
Well, sure – covered in woven metallic fabric? Who *wouldn’t* want it more?
Hey, Meej! Haven’t seen you in a bit!
In previous times there was a craft bookbinder of my acquaintance.
Said binder could, occasionally, be drown out to expound on the foibles of their customers. Which ranged from sublime to ridiculous–as humans are wont.
To the present point, a customer came in and wanted a collection of steamy “bodice rippers” rebound. In a ‘watered’ purple lamé.
Given Sparki spelling, one has to question whether Spark’ has a bibble, and whether it is bound in lah-MAY (and has no idea that é = ALT+0233).
Yes. Apparently it’s lame, AR.
Luckily, supposedly Jesus was very good at healing the lame.
*Slowly inhales then quickly exhales*
I guess if I have to read the Bible…
Just do what everyone else does – skip ahead to the sexy bits in the Song of Solomon.
I just watched the movie. The ending was better.
You mean the book and the film don’t both have happy endings?
*corner in room of Sunday school class*
Was it the classic version with the pitbull wrestling, or the gritty reboot with the flaming chariot chase?
Lola, happy depends on which side you were on. 8)
Ghostie, I remember lots of flame and chariots and a big boat. I may have slept through some of it. 8)
I’m waiting for the Michael Bay remake.
Have you seen the musical with Neil Patrick Harris as Moses? Watching him perform “I Could Have Prayed All Night” was so FABULOUS that I just cried. And casting Ewoks as disciples was GENIUS!
Oh, you inhale? I always thought that mushrooms would be an interesting combination with Revelation.
I thought they’d be redundant.
In Good Omens, it’s suggested that the reason for the imagery was down to John of Patmos being fond of odd mushrooms. My extrapolation from that is that for it to actually make sense, one might partake beforehand. (Although I had an extremely lucid explanation of it from a clergyperson that made a lot of sense. And we were all sober.)
Blarg. No seriously, blarg.
Also, would not an autographed copy contain the signature of Mark, Luke, Matthew, John, or one of the other actual writers of the book instead of God, the main subject and a major “character” of the book?
You mean this copy of Twilight I bought that was signed by Bella might be a fake?
Of course not ghostie; Bella is Stephanie Meyer.
Only more awesome in every way 😉
If Bella is supposed to be the idealized Mary-Sue version of Stephanie Meyer, then Meyer must have the personality of driveway gravel.
Never marry driveway gravel, it may lay nice and look great but everyone else drives on it too…
Now that is downright insulting. Some driveways have interesting gravel which can hold my attention for whole minutes.
Driving on it briefly can be fun, just don’t marry it.
Just as real as that copy of “Gone With the Wind” signed by ‘Rhett Butler’ that embarrassed eBay some years ago.
Slightly OT – On campus we have a frequent visitor who is one of those “if you do not worship exactly the way I do and condemn whom I condemn” street preachers. He oftens yells at students forced to pass by him that we should not read filth filled with sexual depravity. I could not abide the hypocrocisy anymore last week and I yelled back, “That means I should stop reading the bible. It’s filled with begating, with sexual depravity, men having sex with their sister-in-laws, slaves, cousins, and maids; men having harems of women and multiple wives. Jesus was besties with a filthy prostitute.” He ignored me and went on to condemn frisbee playing.
I guess that was in Commandments 11-15 that CJ was talking about. Who knew?
Also, that guy sounds like what Anne Lamott was talking about when she said that you know you have successfully created your God in your own image because he hates all the same things you do [sic – I don’t remember the precise verbiage but that was the general idea].
I’m pretty sure Commandment 12 was: Thou Shalt Not Take Thyself Seriously.
Oh, frisbee players are the worst begaters!
That’s why the street name for a Frisbee is Lust Disk.
We have Extreme Lust Diskers on campus.
This volume of YSaC is sinful. Everyone who snarks today is going to the lake of fire.
As a radio preacher in this area says, “Not a sermon, just a thought.”
Awesome!
:gets out bag of marshmallows:
Will a pitchfork be provided, or can I bring my own?
I’ve got dibs on the spot on the beach right next to that big brimstone!
As a child, apparently, I was told about the lake of fire, and that there would be a list consulted to determine who would be cast into the lake of fire. I should also mention that my given name is very frequently misspelled. (Who knew “drmk” was so hard to spell?)
Me: So the list has my name on it?
Them: If you’re to be cast into the lake of fire, yes.
Me: (thought for a moment) What if my name is spelled wrong?
Them: What?
Me: What if my name is misspelled on the list?
Them: …
Oddly, there was no answer to that question.
My given name is constantly mangled.
Constantly.
Always.
Irritatingly always.
What?
Oh, right…my point? None, I’m just commiserating with drmk.
Really, though, how hard is it to say Xenia Recordia?
It’s pronounced “see – jay” for those of you still struggling.
If a misspelled last name will keep me out of the lake of fire, I am so in luck.
drmk, I heart ye, and cannot adore your comment enough.
Ditto that – as one with a common (and commonly mis-spelled) maiden name and an uncommon married name which you always have to spell out because most people have never heard of it…
I thought I was the only one with plans to go to the Lake of Fire for Labor Day weekend. Glad to see I’ll have plenty of company!
(Packing sunscreen seems a bit silly if we’re going to the lake of fire, doesn’t it?)
You could bring a bottle of marinade, but then someone might try to eat you.
Hey, who left this pillow in the corner?
Ah, you mean going to “here” .
Blanco River has 6-12″ of water in it, which is much more than the Perdenales shown.
“Whatever you do, don’t throw me in that
briar patchlake of fire.”Hey, wait a damn minute! The plan is the man. Or was the bird the word? I can’t remember now; hold on a second.
*Flips through his Bible*
The ghost has the most… the son is the one… the father is a bother…
Gah, can’t find it!
Meh, it’s in the back.
I thought Grease was the word.
It’s the word that you’ve heard.
I thought it’s the word love.
Bible Class Today with special guest speaker Jehovah! Find out what really went on in Sodom and Gomorrah! Loaves and fishes served after in the Community Room.
She said Jehova, stone her. Oh no, now I’ve said Jehova.
You’re only making it worse!
No-one is to stone anyone until I say the word! Even if they do say Jehova!
*Thump*
WHO THREW THAT?!
I just watched that for the first time this weekend.
It was great. 😀
If I bring a bottle of water, will it become wine? Because then it’s definitely worth it to show up.
If I bring a quart of milk, could He turn it into a hot fudge sundae?
Of course He could!
He is, after all, Him.
If I bring my ticket will He validate my parking?
You won’t be able to find your ticket, because…
you know… ninjas…
I think we can get valet parking for the handbasket.
Spoiler alerts, people!!!! I don’t want to know what happened in the end until I see the movie.
Be sure to stay until the end of the credits – the thing with the octopus, the lace pinafore, and the squad of ninja-bots was something else.
*makes mental note*
The Hangover was a blurr of questions when I left the movie theatre early to get a jump on the traffic. “Oh, THAT’S how he lost his tooth!”
They never did explain where the chicken came from.
It came from the egg, silly.
No, it came from across the street.
MandaB, let me show you this interesting property, known as the box. It’s only one room, but there’s an Irregular Fractal already installed.
Why thank you very much! I do hope he’s brought all of his cover bands with him.
Might get crowded…
Sparky’s thought process:
If I was made in His image, that means my signature was made in His signature’s image, right? I can make money off of this!
I think I spotted a flaw in your logic – Sparky doesn’t think.
Dammit! I knew there was a problem there.
Revised:
Sparky blinked twice at the thing sitting in front of him, then logged onto craigslist and banged his head against the keyboard several times.
I must have got to the signing late. I always wondered why the autograph said “Happy the Clown.”
“Abraham sighed Isaac; and Isaac sighed Jacob; and Jacob sighed Judas and his brethren; / And Judas sighed Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares sighed Esrom; and Esrom sighed Aram; / And Aram sighed Aminadab; and Aminadab sighed Naasson; and Naasson sighed Salmon; / And Salmon sighed Booz of Rachab; and Booz sighed Obed of Ruth; and Obed sighed Jesse; / And Jesse sighed David the king; and David the king sighed Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias; / And Solomon sighed Roboam; and Roboam sighed Abia; and Abia sighed Asa; / And Asa sighed Josaphat; and Josaphat sighed Joram; and Joram sighed Ozias; / And Ozias sighed Joatham; and Joatham sighed Achaz; and Achaz sighed Ezekias; / And Ezekias sighed Manasses; and Manasses sighed Amon; and Amon sighed Josias; / And Josias sighed Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon: / And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias sighed Salathiel; and Salathiel sighed Zorobabel; / And Zorobabel sighed Abiud; and Abiud sighed Eliakim; and Eliakim sighed Azor; / And Azor sighed Sadoc; and Sadoc sighed Achim; and Achim sighed Eliud; / And Eliud sighed Eleazar; and Eleazar sighed Matthan; and Matthan sighed Jacob; / And Jacob sighed Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Clothespin Jebus, who is called Spice Christ.”
I very much want to see this entire thing in the box.
It won’t fit. It’s too big. Not enough lube in the world.
:reads Windy’s comment:
:returns to corner:
Where did those versions of the names come from? Some are very far from the Hebrew.
I think they came from a different cuntry.
Must have been the Old Cuntry.
That was from The King of the Hobbit’s version, rather than KJV.
A picture of it just showed up a couple of days ago over at
http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.net/i-missed-gods-book-signing-did-you/
Kudos and ++elebenty adores++ to dan for the Velvet Underground reference.
When I Googled “The Man Himself”, this is what it came up with:
Man Decapitates Himself After Argument With Ex-Wife
Posted by Nicole Fabian-Weber
on August 31, 2011 at 10:45 AM
When police in Yorktown, Virginia responded to a domestic dispute call at 10:00 a.m. on Thursday, they witnessed something they’d never seen before during the course of their careers. A man decapitated himself in front of them.
The man, who’s remained unidentified by police save for the fact that he was 46 years old and from Chicago, was arguing with his ex-wife over access to his two children. He had relocated to Yorktown in order to spend more time with them, but apparently his ex wasn’t cooperating.
When police got to the scene, they noticed a white Ford Explorer nearby with a trailer — which was on fire — attached to the back. And then it happened.
The man had taken a long cable — the kind used to “hoist an automobile engine” — and tied one end around a tree, and the other around his neck. When the cops asked him to exit the vehicle, he accelerated the car, and boom, beheaded himself.
ETA: Incidentally, I was looking for was male celebrities who refer to themselves as “The man himself”,
Sweet.
Clothespin.
Jeebus.
Pretty sure that guy’s swimming in the lake right about now.
Seriously, though, that’s just tragic..for everyone.
Ok, would have to be a very cool book (“Book”?) signing.
No fumbling for who or how to sign; the inscription would be, ipso facto Writ large.
Hmm, might be interesting to see what sounds and furies accompany such imprimatur . . . but, working in mysterious ways suggests that the recipients would merely find the signed tome already in their possession. Which means it would be exciting leaving the store ant setting off the alarm.
Curious side note, there is a typographic artist called mononominally “Sighn.”
Sadly, it seems that about one-third of the online world believes “sign” contains the letter “h” and spells same accordingly.
Would offering him 40 silvers for it be inappropriate?
I hesitated for the briefest of moments before giving this a door, thinking “Oh, that is wrong on so many levels. I love it! I’m soooo going to hell for liking this.” My next thought was, “HA! Like THAT would be the reason!” I take great comfort in knowing I won’t be alone. Hop into the handbasket, folks. I don’t know for sure where we’re going, but I hear it will be very warm.
Save me a spot next to you and Taco.
And chances are good Grampdaddy will be driving the basket. I’ll be serving the coffee slices.
There’s only so many reserved seats… the rest of ya’ll will have to strap yourselves to the undercarriage.
Undercarriage.
Snort.
Corner.
I have a special ticket – it’s called “biting and scratching until someone moves over.”
I’m thinking lifeboats and the Titanic here, but what the hell…..
In the beginning, there was The Pilot.
And yea, The Pilot walked through the valley of the Shadow of Executives, for it was feared by all.
Finding no joy in The Pilot, The Pilot was smote down and its organs were scattered throughout the land.
For seeing the value of those organs, did Love, American Style gather all the organs he could muster and pinch them together into Love and the Happy Days.
And it came to pass that American Graffiti and Grease, which was the word, came forth, and they saw that it was good.
Love and the Happy Days begat Happy Days.
Happy Days begat Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy, The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang, and Joanie Loves Chachi.
Laverne & Shirley begat Laverne & Shirley in the Army, and Blansky’s Beauties.
Mork & Mindy begat Out of the Blue.
Laverne & Shirley in the Army begat The Mork & Mindy / Laverne & Shirley / Fonz Hour.
AAAAAAAYE
Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin.
With love and devastation,
Himself.
I’m waiting for the sequels so I can buy the boxed set.
I know it’s against the rules, but could I get a big hug tonight instead of a puch, Windy? Pretty please. Thanks!
Mandy, Rules are made to be broken. And I’ll do it early! ((BIG HUG))
I’ll be back later to punch IF. 8)
Thanks, Mama Windrose! 🙂
I didn’t say how much later. 8) IF, here’s your musical Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, O Israel!