YSaC, Vol. 1436: Couched in riddles.

2013 January 28

Do you feel like your life is heading in the wrong direction? Do you need a piece of furniture to tell you what to do? Well, as long as you don’t want to know its name, you’re in luck!

Online couch – First 3 sessions for Free


*****Online couch*****

Feel like your life is heading in the wrong direction ?
want to set up goals and achieve them one by one? – this post is just for you.

Let’s talk about it and work out a plan for you to get better.

I’m here to help you. It will be completely anonymous, I will never know your name, and you will never know mine.
we will be focused on you, and the ways to make you a better person.

*The first 3 sessions are for free (45 minutes each).

POSSIBLE GOALS:

*Reach your goal weight
*Get a promotion at work
*Be a better parent
*Be a better husband\wife
*Love yourself
*Anything else…

SO THIS IS HOW IT WORKS:

Reply to this post using some mail that doesn’t have your name on it and answer the 4 questions below:
1.what is the goal\s you would like to achieve?
2.What is the preferred way for you to communicate? GTalk \ MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, any other chat available.
3.what is your age,gender?
4. feel free to provide any other relevant information

Don’t be suspicious, there is no “catch”, your couch is here, waiting to here from you. 🙂

Thank goodness there is no catch, anonymous furniture! If only I knew what you looked like, though!

Hey… YOU’RE not a couch! You’re just a crazy person with a dog who doesn’t know how to spell! Dammit! I wanted a creepy anthropomorphic COUCH to give me advice. And better advice than “ribbit,” which is all I got out of LAST week’s couch.

I have a letter Sofa Set – $900


I have a house full of furniture I have a letter Sofa Set matching tables and lamps I have a bedroom set dresser mirror to nightstands bedframe mattress and box spring I have a dining room table a washer and dryer pictures area rogues refrigerator please call if you’re interested all of my stuff is high-end quality Brand new than one month old no rips no marks no scratches

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! I’m sure this sofa would give MUCH better relationship advice than creepy dog man. Of course, the problem is I’d have to worry about the rogue refrigerator hitting on my wife.

Thanks for the posts, Diane and Ian!

41 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 January 28

    Couch #1: Anything else! I’ve always had a goal of achieving anything else! I’m sold!

    Couch #2: No thanks, High furniture with end quality sucks ass.

    Adores: 9
  2. 2013 January 28

    If the anonymous online couch and the rogue refrigerator teamed up to give advice, they’d be unstoppable.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2013 January 28

    I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not going anywhere near that couch with the buggy white eyes.

    I don’t care how rogue it’s friend, the refrigerator, may be – one look at that couch and I completely understand the auntie stains.

    *shudder*

    Adores: 12
    • 2013 January 28
      Bombdude permalink

      I’m not going anywhere near that couch with the buggy white eyes.

      It’s got a brown eye….

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 January 28

      The “buggy eye” pillows were what caught my attention when I first saw this ad. Sparky had them on every.single.item he was selling. In every.single.picture. I kid you not. I couldn’t tell if he had bought multiples of them, or if the pair migrated on their own throughout the house so that they magically appeared in every photo. I couldn’t decide which scenario was scarier!

      Adores: 3
  4. 2013 January 28

    Lately I’ve found myself staring at the ceiling night after night, wondering how I could make myself become a better husband-wife. Then I remember I’m not married and think about concrete instead.

    Adores: 16
    • 2013 January 28
      Lizzi permalink

      I worry about being a better wife sometimes. Then I snap out of it and tell my hubby to sack up and be thankful I don’t rescue another kitty. I’m just kidding. I do tell hubby to sack up but it’s a joke and it makes him laugh every time 🙂

      Adores: 3
  5. 2013 January 28
    Lizzi permalink

    I hope no one responded to the first ad. It could be a good idea for a person with good intentions. But this is CraigsList. This person has absolutely no accountability being nameless and faceless. They probably got flunked out of med school because their professors recognized their psychotic and twisted ways. And now I’m thinking about the sketch from G4 where Emperor Palpatine needs a new job and tries his hand at psychiatry….funny but he did not help anyone.

    Rogue refrigerator huh? Does it cool whatever the hell it wants? Will I come into the kitchen looking for my peanut butter and find it in the fridge while the fridge laughs maniacally*?

    *I am highly amused picturing this. Has made my day!

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      First Couch probably did not matriculate from public school, let alone any accredited teaching facility.

      The entire ad scans rather like many of the psychic reading ads. Being posed as advice from furniture is less divan than sofa, to my thinking, though.

      Adores: 2
  6. 2013 January 28
    penguin permalink

    I’ll stick with my couch. It doesn’t ask me anything. It just listens as I contemplate the back of my eyelids. My sessions aren’t limited to 45 minutes and they are always free. After a session with my couch, I am a much better spouse and parent. I am also much more loving. And it helps with weight control because I can’t eat during a session.

    Adores: 5
  7. 2013 January 28

    Adores: 12
    • 2013 January 28
      Lizzi permalink

      I was wondering if you saw a frog in that couch, too. I think that’s why I have an aversion to throw pillows…

      Adores: 2
    • 2013 January 28

      Thank you for the nightmare, oh Exalted One!

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 January 28

        It’s official – I’m never owning a couch ever. Even my futon is starting to look rather froggish.

        Adores: 5
    • 2013 January 28
      mud "static noise" slicker permalink

      I keep seeing Badtz Maru.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      <Dons Austrian Psychotic attire>

      Zometimz, zee kousch iz yewst ein kousch.

      Oonlezz yu vish to go ahn aboot ziz beink nah-ked mitt dee froggz . . .

      Adores: 3
  8. 2013 January 28
    Ralph permalink

    Sofa King stupid.

    Adores: 2
  9. 2013 January 28
    CindyB permalink

    The second post is intriguing. I don’t see how a sofa can match tables AND lamps, unless of course they ALL have letters on them. In which case they are probably misspelled and/or full of incorrect homonyms.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 January 28
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Iz yust letter sofa set. If you wantz BAG sofa set, you gots to see brother Sergei.

      Adores: 2
  10. 2013 January 28

    I can’t help but think Dr. Sparky meant to type “online coach”, rather than couch. On the other hand, “couch” would also make sense, like a psychiatrist’s couch. So I’s confustigated.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      Izz kwite ok; yoost lie bahk on ziz kousch, und ‘zplain jur trobles zu meh…

      Ya, bitte, loozen zu klotingks…

      Ah, guud, yu ar rubbingk jur laigs ahgainzr ju carapace . . .

      Nohw, flick yu antenae…

      Adores: 3
  11. 2013 January 28
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Excuse me while I go destroy that refrigerator. I’m the rogue for this area and I’m not going to let some cool appliance replace me.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 January 28
      Bombdude permalink

      No no no… It’s area rogues, not a rogue refrigerator. Now see? without me, you’d have gone and done violence to an innocent appliance, rather than the errant scoundrels that are infringing upon your territory.

      Once again, punctuation saves lives….

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 January 28
        Ralph permalink

        I think Sparky meant “aria rogues,” as in “I Am The Very Model of A Modern Craigslist Know-it-all.”

        Adores: 3
  12. 2013 January 28
    One Moving Violation permalink

    POSSIBLE GOALS:

    *Reach your goal weight
    Does this mean I should reach out and touch someone who is the same weight as I would like to be? Creepy.

    *Get a promotion at work
    Heh heh, I got some amateur motion going on there in the back room if you know what I mean. Also creepy.

    *Be a better parent
    Let me go pick up some better kids in my candy van first. Too creepy.

    *Be a better husband\wife
    I’ve always found that a chained Melody is much better than an unchained Melody. Okay, the creepy is way out of hand here. I’d better couch this quickly.

    *Love yourself
    Not if you’re going to watch! Creep!

    *Anything else…
    Sure, for that last one, I could have said, “Oh no, YOU love YOURself…BY yourself…on your OWN couch…and I’ll stay FAR AWAY.

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      Gah! earworm of Sofa and the Divans covering “If you can’t be with the one you love/Love the one you are with/Ribbet!”

      Adores: 3
  13. 2013 January 28
    DigitalAxis permalink

    It’s ChatRoulettePsychiatrist!

    Adores: 3
  14. 2013 January 28
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Sparky #1’s business model needs some work. If Sparky never knows who you are, and you never know who Sparky is, how can you pay Sparky for extra sessions beyond the three?

    Brown paper bag in the abandoned payphone under the expressway. No accomplices or the deal’s off.

    For that matter, how does Sparky know you’re not just making a series of throwaway usernames?

    Wow, everyone is having problems with their boss at Initech…

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 January 28
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      I was thinking that session #3 must involve tips on how to “borrow” a credit card that doesn’t have your name on it, as I imagine this an area in which Sparky has some expertise. Then it occurred to me that even inmates take Paypal.

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      Well, see the couch is actually a Nigerian chaise, and was ensorcelled by an Ant while serving in Afrogistan where they won the £21436750847$043586€92875ƒ82-43568243¥ lottery, and , if you would just send $5000lepidopteran the insectivores will remit you the owed balance in cickets.
      Sincerely, Kwn. Barque A. Lounge, ewe.

      Adores: 2
  15. 2013 January 28
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    Here come old Sparky
    He got letter sofa
    He got dryer pictures
    He got nightstands bedframe
    He got high-end stuff up to his knees
    One thing I can tell you is rogue fridges won’t freeze
    Get it together, right now, Sparky please

    Adores: 16
    • 2013 January 28
      Dan permalink

      DDD wins!

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 January 28
        mud "static noise" slicker permalink

        Come to feather, right now, over geese.

        Adores: 9
    • 2013 January 28
      CapnMac permalink

      Eeek, dueling earworms! ribbid!

      Adores: 2
  16. 2013 January 28
    mud "static noise" slicker permalink

    Couch

    Adores: 2
  17. 2013 January 28
    Aphid permalink

    I’ll just wait until the pirated version of the online couch comes out and burn a copy.

    Adores: 6
  18. 2013 January 28
    One Moving Violation permalink

    I’d rather be… your recliner.

    Adores: 2
  19. 2013 January 29

    Dave, I hope you are sharing these punches with the ferrets! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Ashley!

    Adores: 0
  20. 2013 January 29
    Tankerbell permalink

    Way late to this party, but I gotta ask: I already go online from my couch and every session is free. I don’t think Sparky is offering to give me a couch, or be my new free ISP. Anyway, I have a couch and my old free ISP (stolen WiFi from the Martins next door) is working just fine. So what do I need Sparky for?

    Adores: 0
  21. 2013 April 8

    This is the best article I have read, thank you, I have learned a lot of knowledge in this area. http://youtu.be/13i6eDO3CEQ

    Adores: 0

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