You Suck at Craigslist

Sleeping Beauty: Crow Edition – w4mm (My neighbor’s house)

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Maleficent has struck again. Princess Aurora (or prince, not yet verified) has yet once again been cursed and has been in a deathlike sleep for the past 4 days. Maleficent has kicked it up a notch this time. Aurora is trapped in the body of a crow, sleeping peacefully on a tree swing in my neighbor’s front yard. So, I am now seeking a Prince Phillip to provide a true love’s kiss. Looking for someone with a good immune system, just in case this is just a random dead crow that happened to die in a really cool way. Yet, I’m pretty sure it’s Aurora. Kinda.

To apply, just show up to my neighbors house and start kissing the dead crow, I mean Aurora, and hopefully you’ll have the magic touch!
(If an older man comes out of the house and starts shooting at you, you didn’t get the job).
Good luck!

Most of the time, we don’t use this type of post on YSaC. This type of Sparky doesn’t really *suck* at Craigslist, they’re just trying a little too hard to be funny. It raises the question of why they pick Craigslist as their medium of choice in the first place, instead of a bathroom wall or the New Yorker, but whatever.

In this case, however, I am intrigued by their choice of category. “w4mm”, as far as I can figure it, is intended to be used by women looking for two men for a threesome, and not, for example, for people seeking romance with a dead crow. I’m pretty sure I don’t WANT to know what category that goes in, and if you bring up rule 34, I will punch you in the neck.

Thanks for the post, Zippy!

Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

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compensation: no pay

GREETINGS!

Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

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I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

A very particular kind of photography

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I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

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compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

About me:
– Well-above average looking guy
– Normal Cat
– Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

Ideal Candidate:
– Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
– Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
– Great sense of humor and dog-lover

Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

Precision Artist

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DETAILED ARTIST

Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

Thanks for all the material, Mike!

Japanese rickshaw

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Small cellulite rickshaw good condition

I … ew. I had no idea this was a thing. I wonder if I can get someone to carve something out of my cellulite? You could probably end up with a replica of Michelangelo’s David just from my thighs, and have enough left over for a Lionel Richie bust (which is totally apropos, since it was probably cream cheese dip that created the cellulite in the first place). Ah, the circle of life continues …

Placenta – $40

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My wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have heard a lot about people taking the placenta and eating it. It really doesn’t sound that good to me, but we are strapped for cash and it is being properly refrigerated. Please email me if you’re interested, the doctor said it should last a few days.

Gah. No. Also, no. It’s a thing, I get it … but no. And I’m definitely not eating someone else’s. I’m also terrified that my Google history now has the phrase “eating placenta” in it — in all caps, no less, because I accidentally hit the caps lock button so now Google thinks that I REALLY WANT TO TRY eating placenta. No thank you — THAT circle of life is ending.

Thanks, Lyle and Kristen!

Reply,Reply,Me,Me,Me,Me Brilliant – m4w

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I love Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62, and in it’s irony, the poet’s partner has become part of the poet’s self and hence by praising himself he is in fact praising his beloved who is the source of beauty in the poet’s life.

The person whom sent me this response. It is a honor to run into someone ,whom is even aware with Shakespeare!I am very impressed that you are out there,hoping that you have secured a viable minds to share your views,and opinions,certainty there must be a man who appreciates cultivation in a woman. I like the Dark Knight have elected to not seek out brilliance,knowledge,or wisdom;inside of s society primarily inspired by social cues. Only a few walk amongst us worthy enough to know the meditations of Marcus A.Not many even have a interested in poetry these days,rarely is one heard in public reciting it openly with passion. Nevermore,Nevermore, my poetic mystery lady,you definitely have revealed that “I am not Alone”/ May i suggest a movie which you might find extremely interesting, produced for philosophical minds like yourself. On a cold night in a remote cabin, Professor John Oldman (David Lee Smith of CSI: MIAMI) gathers his most trusted colleagues for an extraordinary announcement: He is an immortal who has migrated through 140 centuries of evolution and must now move on. he name of the movie is the”The Man from Earth”.

I think these two lovebirds are made for each other. I mean, the poetic mystery lady who sent the response about Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62 clearly loves poetry enough to plagiarize an interpretation from a bizarre and questionable internet source, and our Dark Knight (minus brilliance, knowledge, or wisdom) has plagiarized the description of the movie he is so intent on having our heroine watch.

So let’s see: woman responds saying she’s very fond of a sonnet that is apparently a justification for narcissism, and man responds favorably with a reference to a movie about an immortal man who reveals that he himself was Jesus. (Oh, sorry, spoiler alert.)

Yup, I think these two crazy kids just might make it.

Thanks, Beth P.!

If ever there was a time for the “this can only end badly” tag, it’s here:

Vintage Sew Machine

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Please see the required phone call info posted below–NO TEXT–NO EMAIL:
For sale here is a Most Excellent Vintage sewing machine from Sears Roebuck & Co…This Kenmore machine was built when they still built GOOD sew machines ,is VERY heavy duty cast iron in a nice well built, solid wood , dove tail [Cherry I think], cabinet with knee control..looks to be very little used and comes with the original operator manual also in as-new condition ,and drawers full of attachments for this machine–A give away @ $150, and I might take some ammunition reloading equipment as trade.. Loosing my eyesight & threading needles is a real project..

Right. You’re going blind, so you’re not interested in sewing. So what hobby are you turning to instead? SHOOTING?!?

If you need me, I’ll just be hiding over here in Newfoundland.

Thanks for the post, Gina!

We haven’t done a “Bad Titles” medley for a while. Here’s some winners that don’t really gain anything by including the rest of the ad:

message chair

I think I’ll Skype the credenza instead.

Mental Filing Cabinet

Sadly, I can’t figure out if “car keys location” is filed under “c” for “car” or “k” for “keys” or “l” for “location” or “w” for “where are my keys” or…

Ass Moldings

That’s probably what happens if you sit in the message chair for too long.

Insulted Pipings

Not galvanized? Well I never!

Varity wood mirrow and jew

Even WITH the rest of the ad, I still can’t figure out what the “jew” part means. Maybe Sparky is mispronouncing “you?”

Hole grage full of assorted tools

As far as I can tell “grage” is not a word in ANY language, not just English.

SLAY BED FRAME/BEST OFFER

DIE BED FRAME DIE!

Antique dresser buff-aye

However, the merely vintage nightstand votes nay, and the barely retro coffee table abstains.

free crip infant for kids

Boy, this gang violence is just starting earlier and earlier, isn’t it?

Thanks for the posts, Mackenzie, Christine, sd, Ralph, robot@craigslist, Eleanor, and Jason!